


Tatters of Now

by lattelibrapunk, starsandstreams



Series: Then, Now, and Always [2]
Category: Scorpion (TV 2014)
Genre: Canon Divergent from end of 2.24, Emotional ups and downs, F/M, Intimacy struggles, Part II of our finale aftermath series, Smut, later chapters have mentions of past emotional and physical abuse that will be labeled
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-14
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2018-08-15 01:00:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 246,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8036143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lattelibrapunk/pseuds/lattelibrapunk, https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsandstreams/pseuds/starsandstreams
Summary: When the sun rises and the alcohol haze fades, only then do the true implications of what happened the previous night fully hit. The pain is raw and they have no idea how they'll get back to where - who, what - they were before. It's a long road but nobody ever said the path to redemption was easy. But it is always worth it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of many possibilities for what followed in the aftermath of Happy’s reveal. This fic series is our way of still processing that finale reveal.
> 
> Scorpion and all canon characters belong to CBS.

_I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. That it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts._

* * *

* * *

Waking up, Toby felt like he had been hit by a freight truck. _That's what you get when you drink the place dry_ , he lamented. _Don't forget the love of your life being married_. Like he could ever forget. _And she didn’t tell you until you proposed and she had to say no._

The last few days have been a roller coaster of emotion for them both. He missed going to Chernobyl with the rest of the team because he was required at the competency hearing for Mark Collins. Collins, their once prickly colleague turned complete sociopath with a bullseye on the members of Team Scorpion. If that weren’t enough of a roller coaster to endure - being safe in the garage while his loved ones were in the most radioactive place on earth - his world should have only gotten better when he went to pick up the engagement ring that he had painstakingly designed for Happy. Walking back to his car, Toby felt like his life was finally falling into place. Only for it to quickly fall to pieces and fracture all around him.

His rescue left him with an adrenaline rush unlike anything else. Finally being back in the safe confines on the garage and surrounded with everyone, he decided to go forward with his planned proposal. In hindsight, he wanted to kick himself for how he misread Happy telling him ‘no thank you.’ His trained and clinical mind read it as her being scared of getting hurt again rather than her absolutely terrified of consequences he never foresaw.

All he knew was that he was a man in love and he never knew his heart could be shattered so completely. After Walter sped after Paige to profess his love for her. _About damn time_ , Toby thought bitterly as he finished off the bottle of tequila and then drained every last drop of alcohol he could find in the garage.

The hangover he woke up with was raging and he sadly remembered every moment of the previous night.

_Fingers on the keys to the old piano as he ended the song, he was ecstatic for his question. With the team all but cheering, he got down on one knee._

_The ring box was in hands and open to showcase the ring. “I've loved you since I can't remember when, and I'm gonna love you till I can't forget how. Will you please marry me?"_

_Happy had tears in her eyes and in that moment he couldn’t have loved her more._ That’s my girl, I knew she was emotional _, he foolishly thought then. Instead, her response tore his heart out. “No,” was the word to leave Happy’s lips._

_The feeling of absolute dread overtook him and to make matters worse, the last shot of confetti exploded over them in that moment. “Why not?”_

_“I can't…” There was a sorrow in her eyes he’d never seen before when she clarified. “I'm married to someone else. I'm sorry.”_

_She walked past him and he stood, his back twisted as he looked at the woman he loved walk away from him after the biggest reveal of their lives. “Happy, what...?”_

_“Please don't follow me.” Happy’s voice was near shrill and her entire body language was jumpy before she slipped out the door and out of Toby’s life for how broken he was inside._

_“We should go,” Ralph’s small voice piped up behind him. Toby didn’t have it in him to look back at them all; he felt like his chest was collapsing._

_Next was Sly, his eyes wide with disbelief as he gave Toby his condolences. “Sorry, pal.”_

_“What-what did she... what did she mean?” His question was rhetorical and it didn’t feel real even though he was stone cold sober and knew he was very much awake._

_Cabe stood next to him and spoke what was meant to be words of wisdom. “Two things that won't help are self-hatred and booze. Tonight will be full of both. But don't make either a habit.”_

Booze and self-hatred _, Toby thought,_ just what I had on the menu. 

_“Toby…” Paige’s soothing voice,_ her mom voice _, cut through the tension as she approached him._

_“I, um, don't want to talk to anyone right now.” He couldn’t deal with them, not when he could barely deal with himself over what just happened._

Sun poured through the windows above the red couch he crashed on last night. Sitting up, his head throbbed and his throat was scratchy from all the crying and drinking he did the night before. He was alone, which is what he told everyone he wanted, and did exactly as Cabe predicted- drank and hated himself for reading all the signs wrong with Happy.

He spotted his hat on the table in front of him. “Hello, old friend,” he said bitterly as he placed it on his head. “You’ve never let me down.”

_I’m losing my mind_. Standing, Toby surveyed the empty garage and hoped there was something to eat in the kitchen. He made his way there and turned on the coffee maker while wishing away his hangover. His eyes squeezed shut and he pulled his mug out of the cabinet. When the coffee was made, he poured himself a cup and then got his hazelnut creamer out of the fridge.

As he sipped at the steaming, caffeinated goodness, Toby sighed. Everything from last night played on a loop in his mind and it taunted him. And the heartbroken tears in Happy’s eyes gave him hope that she wanted to make this work with him despite… Despite the marriage she kept hidden the entirety of the time she knew him.

With a frustrated groan, Toby slammed the mug onto the counter and growled, tears beginning to stream down his face as it all hit him. Needing to keep his hands busy, he grabbed for paper towels to clean up the mess of coffee he made.

“Kid, you’re awake.” Cabe’s voice cut through the silence and startled him. Answering his own question, Cabe clapped him on the back. “I never should have left you alone last night, son. How are you, in light of it all?”

“I feel like shit.” Toby wiped his face with the back of his hand. “You?” Cabe didn’t get to answer and Toby was able to get a good look at the older man. “How drunk am I? Are you really in sweats and not a suit?”

Cabe chuckled and told him that it's a track suit. “It’s Saturday morning and my only plans for today are ensuring that you’re taken care of. I went for comfort.”

Toby scoffed shrugged him off. “I need to dry out, I’ll be fine.”

“You will be, and you two will work through this.”

“Don’t,” Toby said thickly.

“She loves you whether or not she’s said it, that’s obvious for all to see.”

The only response given was Toby’s eyes narrowing before they blinked away a fresh wave of tears. “She kept this from me, Cabe. How could I have been so stupid?”

“You weren't stupid. Blinded by love, yes. But not stupid.” The quiet in the garage was deafening and Cabe realized how they weren’t interrupted by their prickly head genius, and asked where Walter was.

“Left last night to chase after Paige.” Toby saw Cabe’s eyes widen and he continued. “My love life was blown to pieces but 197’s doesn’t have to be. I told him not to give up and that if he wants Paige, he's not to play matchmaker for her with the hot Navy SEAL.”

“So he went after her? Just like that?”

“Just like that.” There was a flourish of Toby’s hand, then he poured another cup of coffee and choked it down black. “Damn, I’m getting too old for this shit. I haven’t drank like that in months.”

Cabe said that’s a good thing. “Drinking in moderation isn’t bad, but the way you drank this place dry shouldn’t be a habit.”

“I got that memo from you last night. Noted.” He rinsed out his mug and walked to his desk. “I need a ride home.”

“That was my plan, let’s go.”

Toby thought he heard something in the back and his gaze landed on Happy’s workbench. He spotted the origami crane he folded quickly for her two weeks ago that she didn't ball it up and throw at him. The memory made him sniffle. “I need to get out of here.”

With Cabe parked out front, they headed to the front of the garage and didn’t notice Happy’s truck in the alley. Or how she crumpled in the back corner after hearing what she just did.

* * *

Coming home to find the celebrations he had set up for after the proposal on full display broke Toby’s heart. Instead of carrying Happy over the threshold bridal style to celebrate their engagement, he walked in with Cabe behind him and a heavier heart than he knew was possible to still be alive with.

A trail of now withering red rose petals led a trail back to his bedroom and there was a cooler with two champagne flutes set on the small table in the corner. Candles were spread out in the living room just waiting to be lit with the Zippo that Happy got him shortly after they started dating. _It’s embarrassing you don’t have one, Doc_ , she teased him before pulling him down for the most wonderful kissing he’d ever known. Her kisses were magic, a term she rolled her eyes at.

He was deep in thought over all his memories with Happy. Memories he never thought would come to such a harsh stop. The pain in her face as he waited for her to answer his proposal, now he knew it was something much larger than her commitment and trust issues. She knew she was about to break his heart. Toby swallowed thickly and walked to the fridge. When he opened it, his breath caught in his throat. On the door was a bottle of the best champagne he couldn’t afford and the second shelf held a platter of chocolate covered strawberries. He learned early on they happened to be a favorite treat of hers. _She’s got one hell of a sweet tooth._

The tears were welling up as he realized none of what he planned and hoped for was a reality now. Happy wasn’t with him and he had no idea when she next would be. All he had were her words playing on a loop in his brain, _I’m married to somebody else_.

The emotion he suppressed the night before and pushed down with alcohol hit him full force now that she was back in his apartment. His breathing quickened and he felt his chest tighten. If he didn’t know better, he’d be certain he were having a heart attack. But, it was only a broken heart. Only a broken heart, the understatement of all time where he was concerned. And the beginnings of a panic attack.

“Hey, kid, what’s going on?” Cabe’s voice broke him from his wallowing reverie and the hand on his shoulder reminded him this was indeed real and not a nightmare he hadn’t yet woken up from.

This wasn’t the first panic attack Toby had and he took in a slow breath. _Reverse the adrenaline flowing into my bloodstream_ , he reminded himself. He was aware of Cabe there but knew if he didn’t calm himself down, he’d be in worse shape than he already was. _In for four, hold for seven, release for eight_. That’s the mantra he repeated over the next three minutes as he felt his body slow down despite his mind continuing to whir.

Cabe watched, knowing the exact feeling Toby was going through. He called his name and Toby turned around. “What?”

“You okay?” Cabe looked him over and saw that he was trying to keep it together. “Go shower, Doc,” he said gently. “I’ll make you more coffee and breakfast. You need food to kick that hangover.”

Toby growled how he wasn’t hungry. “But I should shower.”

Cabe grinned and there was a twinkle to his blue eyes. “You say that, but you haven’t had my breakfast spread before.”

There was an air of skepticism to Toby. “Since when do you cook?”

“Don’t be rude.” He shook his head at Toby being Toby and shoved him towards the back. “I’ve been on my own for decades. Cooking for myself is a necessity. Now go.”

Toby was stuck in place though. He wondered if, just maybe, he and Happy weren’t meant to be forever. The thought alone killed him but her leaving killed him more. “Why didn't she tell me she was married, Cabe?” The pain in his voice was palpable and Cabe wished he could absorb the younger man's pain.

“I don't know, son. What I do know is that she loves you. That's obvious to anyone.”

“Her being married wasn’t.” He leaned back into the wall and ran a hand over his face. “I read people for a living, I can tell you a person’s darkest secrets within seconds of meeting them. Happy and I were friends for years, best friends for two of those. And… and we hardly spent more than a night apart these last four months. How could I miss so much?”

“She hid it well, but I would bet anything on her not wanting to see you hurt.”

Now Toby laughed and straightened up. “That’s a good one. Even with her shitty EQ she’d know this would kill me. Hell, I told her the night we got together that I couldn’t do this if it were only a fling.”

“Toby, you know as well as I do that you are not a fling to Happy. Would that woman do all she did for you if that’s what she felt?”

“I don’t know, I feel like I don’t know her at all now.” It was a few moments before he said that he needed to shower. “What I do know, what my training is telling me now, is that if I wallow I’ll be worse off.”

“That’s the spirit, Doc.” Cabe smiled and hoped the mood was changing. “You got food or should I run out and get some.”

He shook his head. “I’ve got food. I planned to make a special brunch for Hap-” His eyes closed and he curled his shoulders inward knowing Cabe would go to comfort him. “I need to shower.”

Watching Toby walk down the hall, with the rose petals underfoot, Cabe knew what he had to do. First, he grabbed the ice bucket and champagne flutes from the table. He set them down in the kitchen and opened all of the cabinets until he saw where they belonged. Then he gathered up all of the candles and put them into a plastic bag he found in the closet, leaving the bag on the floor and out of view. The Zippo was left on the small table. In the closet, Cabe spotted a broom and grabbed it.

_These rose petals have to go_. He followed them and saw that they led to Toby’s bedroom and the bed was covered in them, along with more candles scattered across the room. With the water still running in the bathroom, Cabe scooped the petals off the bed and began to sweep them into the living room.

He worked as fast as he could and when he had them all disposed of, he walked back to the bedroom to make sure he didn’t miss anything. To his eye, there was nothing. _Poor kid._

Meanwhile, with the bathroom door closed behind him, Toby desperately tried to wash away everything that transpired in the last 36 hours. He kept facing the wall with the showerhead as the shower was full of _her_ toiletries. Three types of shampoos and conditioners along with two body washes littered the edge of the tub. In the cutout where he kept his bottle of shampoo and conditioner in one sat the face wash that Happy loved. A part of him wanted to knock them all out of the tub but the rational part of his brain reminded him that would only mean he would have to pick them up after.

Time passed and he could only imagine he was in there a long time when the water cooled. Shutting off the water, he reached out for his towel to dry his face and hair first. Quickly drying off his body, Toby wrapped the towel around his waist. He stood in front of the counter and wiped the steam from the mirror. His eyes were sad and the bags under his eyes were dark in contrast to his usual milky pallor.

_Get it together, this isn’t the first time your heart has been ripped out._ He leaned forward thinking he was steady. Then, in of the periphery view, he caught sight of his robe hanging behind the door. The last person to wear that robe was Happy. He blinked back tears and wrenched the door open to get dressed. Hell, he wanted to forgo breakfast and drink straight from the coffee pot.

When he walked into the kitchen, it smelled amazing. “You’re back,” Cabe said brightly as he flipped the omelette he was making. “Here, take this.” He handed Toby two Motrin and a tall glass of water. “Then you’re eating breakfast.”

It felt like Cabe was using kid gloves with him but he didn't have it in him to care. He just took the pills without question. As he got his coffee, he noticed how Cabe made hash browns and an omelette using the different vegetables in the fridge.

Staring at the shaved and crisped potatoes, Toby narrowed his eyes. “How did you do all this in the time I was in the shower?”

“Military. I’ve done this countless times and it was only three potatoes I needed to grate. Back in basic I’d grate hundreds.”

Toby waved him off and sat at the table with his coffee. _I'd have picked up on that if I were on my game. Fuck._ As his inner voice berated him, Cabe plated the food and sat across from him.

“Eat up, Doc. We're going for a run later.”

“What?!” The horror on Toby's face gave the impression Cabe asked him to murder someone. Which after his morning, was the more agreeable option.

“A run. We ran together when I trained you to box and we're going for one now. It'll do you good.”

“What the hell, Cabe? Are you trying to kill me?” Toby’s shocked look showed the older man how much a run was the last thing he wanted.

“Trust me, the fresh air will do you good and getting the blood pumping works wonders.”

“For what, a broken heart or a bruised liver?”

Cabe chuckled. “Both. It’ll clear your mind of the heartbreak and after I’m making sure you drink enough water to flush out the toxins you fed your liver last night as well as keeping you hydrated.”

“I'm not in a place to run, Cabe,” Toby grumbled. “Haven't I been tortured enough?”

“This isn't torture. It's me giving you solid advice. What I told you last night wasn't helpful. And I'm sorry for that. You need to take care of yourself and for me I've always found exercise to be a good release.”

After an hour and a half of Toby whining about how a run was the last thing he would do, he stood by the door in an old tee and basketball shorts, his old boxing sneakers on his feet.

“The practice will do you good. I promise.” When Toby remained skeptical, Cabe grinned. “Besides, if you back out now it's because you know you can't keep up with me.”

“Oh, you're on, old man.”

With their banter back, Cabe opened the door and Toby jogged to the elevator. “No way, Doc. We're taking the stairs.”

Despite groaning, Toby jogged over to the stairway and was already a flight down when Cabe sped past him.

“Old man, my ass,” the agent said smugly.

* * *

“I’ve spent years in the Hindu Kush mountain range hunting the leaders of numerous extremist groups, but I’ve never been more terrified to enter a place than this.”

Paige laughed nervously as she followed Tim toward the garage. She had to admit, even in his impressive SEALs uniform, he looked like a kid who had to start at a new school in the middle of the semester, and she was probably worse off.

_They were just over 250 miles away from Tahoe when Tim’s phone rang. It sounded official, he was answering curtly with almost every other word being ‘Sir’ or ‘General’. Suddenly his face split into a wide smile and he motioned for her to pull over. Ending the call, he turned to face her, practically bouncing with excitement. “That was my CO, the test results from Seattle came through and I’m cleared for duty again!”_

_It took Paige a moment to register, but when it clicked she squealed and hugged him over the center console. He hugged her back, before pulling away and frowning softly. “Unfortunately that means I need to check in tomorrow for final evaluations so I can be shipped off to rejoin my team Monday evening. I can’t afford to go to Tahoe, I’m so sorry Paige.”_

_She was quick to assure him that it was perfectly alright. “I know how much you wanted this, it’s no problem at all,” she smiled, turning the car around and heading back for Los Angeles. Tim tried to apologize again, but she reassured him that this was so much more important. The duo spent the drive back discussing (the unclassified parts of) Tim’s old missions and his team, so engrossed in their conversation and excitement that they completely missed the dark blue Malibu speeding past them in the opposite direction._

Paige balanced the coffee in her hands as she opened the door and warily stepped into the garage, not even daring a soft “Hello?” let alone her usual loud greetings. She had made the safe decision to send Ralph off to school first, and not bring him over to meet the guys in the morning, because who knew what they would walk in to find.

The scene was surprisingly quiet, she almost went as far as to think it was fairly normal, nothing like the emotional bloodbath she and Tim had been psyching themselves up for. Toby was sitting at his desk, buried behind mountains of books and journals, with Sylvester and Cabe keeping a watchful eye on him from a couch, their observation peppered with whispered conversation. Walter and Happy were nowhere to be seen, _but right now that’s probably for the best._

Their entrance made the three within sight look up, each of them offering a smile though they were all much smaller than she had ever seen. Cabe brightened up considerably at seeing Tim in uniform, about to ask the question when Tim preemptively answered him.

“Yup, I got the call Friday night, I’m cleared for duty again.”

Sylvester and Toby stood up to join them at the middle table where they were spreading out the breakfast they had gotten. Sylvester congratulated the reinstated SEAL heartily, as did Toby, albeit in a much quieter manner, picking at the flaky layers of a croissant.

“Must have been fun, a celebration in Tahoe and then it’s back to the grunt work?” Sylvester asked, trying to keep the mood light the best he could.

“We didn’t actually go to Tahoe,” Tim replied, recounting the events of the weekend, blissfully ignorant of Toby’s brief, concerned glance up at the loft.

_Toby had stumbled in before sunrise earlier that morning, wanting to establish himself in the garage before_ she _came in and screwed up the fragile mindset he had fought the whole weekend to build. There was the unmistakable sound of metal against metal coming from the back and he cursed himself for being too late. But, it turned out to be only Walter, working on the project he and Ralph had started on a few days earlier._

_“You gonna leave any of that for the kid to do, 197?” He asked, leaning heavily against the nearest support beam, but didn’t get a response._

_“Walt? Walter?” Toby groaned and trudged up to him, physically pulling him away from his work. “Snap out of it, Walt!”_

_Walter stared at him with blank eyes and Toby sighed. “So, I take it the road trip didn’t work out as you’d hoped?”_

_“It did,” Walter answered slowly. Toby looked at him expectantly for more details, and he laughed harshly. “How I hoped it would work out last week when I gave her the tickets, that is.”_

_“Huh?” Toby was blindsided, his mind still too dazed to keep up with Walter’s sudden twist._

_“I got there too late, they were already enjoying themselves, all over each other.”_

_“You actually saw them? Did they see you?”_

_Walter shook his head. “It was too dark, but I could make out them walking back to the car all giggly and happy.” He blinked when Toby looked away at his unfortunate word choice. “Oh. Sorry.”_

_“Half the country has that car, are you very sure it was Tim and Paige?” Toby pressed, desperate for at least one relationship in this godforsaken garage to work out._

_“Did you make any progress regarding Friday night?” Walter countered expertly._

_“Did you at least hack the hotel system to see if they’d checked in?”_

_“Did you talk to her at all this weekend?”_

_The two geniuses stared at each other, neither willing to back down, until Walter remembered that he had fixed Toby's phone for him. Handing it over, he abruptly announced he was going to go upstairs and rest, from which he still hadn’t come down._

“So you’re being shipped overseas immediately?” Cabe asked, to which Tim nodded.

“I-” He was cut off by the front door opening again, this time to reveal a very disheveled Happy trying to sneak in unnoticed. She stared at the group gathered around, deftly avoided Toby’s heartbroken gaze, and slinked off to dump her bag at her desk before disappearing into the depths of the garage.

Sylvester shuffled closer to Toby, who somehow seemed even smaller now than he had a minute ago, but his attempt at verbal comfort was cut off by Toby urging Tim to continue.

“Uhm yeah,” he picked up awkwardly. “I passed my fitness tests pretty well, so they declared me fit for overseas duty. Anyway, my team isn’t on any active missions, they’re just training in Br- somewhere I can’t tell you about.” He smiled sheepishly.

Cabe, Paige and Sylvester instinctively turned to Toby, waiting for him to name drop places and read through all of Tim’s Navy-hardened expressions to pinpoint the location, but he just offered Tim a weak smile.

Paige was about to turn to Toby and ask him how he was doing when Walter came down the stairs, muttering something under his breath until he saw Tim in his uniform.

“What is this?” He asked, his voice guarded and somewhat belligerent.

Tim smiled, oblivious to the genius’s hostility toward him. “I got accepted back into the SEALs, and I popped in to say goodbye before I need to report back to Camp… Right about now actually. I better make a move, can’t afford to be late on my second first day.”

Everyone could hear the pout in Paige’s voice when she spoke. “I thought you said you’re leaving in the evening?”

“I’m flying off in the evening, but I need to report to base ASAP to finalize the paperwork and everything,” Tim offered an apologetic smile, and Toby had to elbow Walter in the ribs to wipe the satisfied smirk off of his face.

“You’re leaving already?” Happy’s voice rang out from the back, her footsteps heading toward the rest of the team, and Toby took a sudden interest in the scuffed cement of the garage floor.

“Yeah,” Tim walked over to close the distance so she wouldn’t have to come up so close to Toby. “I’ll be back though, I just can’t tell you guys when. It’s classified.” He grinned as he pulled her into a quick hug.

There was a chorus of ‘Be safe!”s and “All the best!”s as he went around and hugged the rest of the team as well, Toby smiling despite himself at how Walter looked about as comfortable as a cat being bathed when it was his turn. Paige was saved for last, Tim whispering her good luck with handling the team as she kissed his cheek. It was a purely platonic action that was so misinterpreted by a bristling Walter who stalked upstairs as soon as the door closed behind Tim.

Toby sighed and headed into the kitchen, there would be more than enough time to explain the situation to Walter in the coming days, so wrapped up in his head that he didn’t notice the smaller figure following him until she gingerly called out his name.  

He had gotten used to the softer, confused, or hesitant depending on the situation, “Toby?” over the past four months. Either when she fell asleep curled against him on the couch and stirred slightly as he carried her to bed, or when she woke him up in the middle of the night, shaken by the winds and storms that had terrified her since childhood.

But he had never heard it like this.

He couldn’t bring himself to face her, not yet, not when the photo of them he kept on his bedside table had nearly induced a debilitating panic attack Saturday night. “Yeah?” He was careful to keep his voice level as he mindlessly searched through the cupboards. He hadn’t really come into the kitchen for a purpose other than it being the only corner of the garage where he could go to without having to walk past her.

“Toby, please.” Her voice a bit stronger this time, but had a pleading tone to it that he had never heard in the past eight years of knowing her. _Like you even actually knew anything about her despite eight whole years,_ he scorned.

He forced himself to remain distant and uncommitted. “What?”

She sighed heavily, “Can we talk?”

“Oh, _now_ you want to talk?” Toby was shocked by the tone of his own voice, louder and harsher than he had planned for. _Secondary anger is, at its core, an emotional wound. Also known as reactive anger, it is an emotional_ _response_ _to the underlying pure emotion that is hurt. A behavioral response-_

“Yes.” Her voice was still soft, but now revealed a hint of guardedness. None of the others were in sight, but the pin-drop silence in the garage was unmistakable proof that everyone had heard- and was no doubt listening in.

“About 60 hours too late with that answer,” he muttered under his breath, before raising his volume. “Since when?”

She hardened then, all signs of apology and regret evaporating. “Don’t turn this all on me, Toby.”

“Don’t- don’t turn this all on you?” He scoffed, incredulous. “You turned this on yourself, _sweetheart_ , over eight _fucking_ years ago.”

“I would have told you if you had been a bit more damn _approachable_.” She spit back, and Toby stumbled back in spite of himself.

“Wh… what?”

“Every time I try to talk to you, you spin some lame joke and, God, you have no idea how _frustrating_ it is to be with someone who-” She cut off, starting a new train of thought. “I told you. Last year, I told you it wasn’t going to work. But no, you just _kept pushing_ and forcing my hand before I wanted to and-”

“Oh, because _that_ was the problem,” Toby snapped. If she wanted this to be a fight then he was going to bring the fight to her. “Firstly, for the record, you were the one who was all ‘ _let’s try it in reverse this Christmas’,_ ” he cruelly mocked the words in a voice mimicking hers, words that up till then he had held so dear to his heart, and ignored how she winced as he spoke.

“And secondly, if your issue with the proposal was it being too soon, I would have been more than willing to wait. But that’s not the problem, Happy. The problem is that you’re already married to someone else and waited until literally the last minute to drop the bomb on me. Lying to me for eight years is bad enough, so stop lying to yourself and trying to play the victim in this.”

She opened her mouth to retort, but he wasn’t done yet. “Is that what this all was to you? Did you start this expecting nothing but a crash and burn, never expecting us to actually work out? Because, believe it or not, that’s not what I want from a relationship.”

“What are you saying?” The dangerous tone she had been aiming for weakened by the tremor of fear at his potential next words. She wasn’t ready for them to be over, she couldn’t afford for them to be over.

She needed him.

Toby ran a hand over his face. “I don’t want to walk away, but if you keep saying how I’ve been tricking and forcing you into this, if you make me walk away, then I’m gone. I’m gone and I’m not looking back.”

His words sinking in made her feel like she was drowning. Not in the good, sappy way of drowning in him that had been just five nights ago, when he was cuddling her and whispering everything but nothing at the same time, until she squirmed out of his arms and told him to go to sleep. Rather, this time it was in the desperate, clinging-onto-life way that reminded her too much of the submarine, the dam-

The panic-filled moment was thankfully broken by Walter, walking in authoritatively, though when he spoke there was a distinct touch of tiredness. “What more do you want, Toby? She's back and obviously wants you and to clean up this mess, so why aren't you pleased? You said all you wanted was her and she's right in front of you, so stop this nonsense and just...” He waved his hand between the pair. “Fix it.”

The rest of the team had cautiously followed Walter in and were watching from a safe distance behind the shelves.

Happy seemed to soften ever so slightly at Walter’s words, glancing up at Toby. “Really?” But neither of them seemed to register that she’d spoken.

Toby looked like Walter had slapped him in the face. Which, frankly, would have hurt much less. “It's more complicated than that, Walt.” He fought against himself to keep his voice level. “And I see that now I'm not in my tequila haze.”

“So you spent the whole weekend drowning yourself in tequila? Wow, shocker.” Happy sniped, the fire back in her.

Toby’s phone lay on the counter where he had left it while rifling through the cupboards. In a last ditch attempt to ignore the both of them, he activated the lock screen to check the time, as if he had something else going on that he was late for. Happy noticed how he had changed the background from a picture of them at Ralph’s victory party after the Fort Knox case, to the same playing cards one he had changed his other devices to earlier that morning.

She clearly bristled at that, glaring at the phone screen until it locked itself, before turning to Toby. “Let me guess, you also found yourself broke at an underground poker table?”

Toby’s gaze seemed to burn through her, she had never seen so much rage in his eyes. “You’re one to talk. Where were you the whole weekend? Fucking someone you picked up in a bar?”

Happy felt the breath knocked out of her, stunned into silence at his words, a shock he misread as defiance and pride.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Why would you need to pick up a random guy when you have a _hubby_ out there waiting for you, right?”

Happy felt her instincts kick in. Flight or fight. Vague memories filtered through her mind of Toby telling her about the less celebrated third option- freeze-, painful reminders of happier times cuddled against him as he read his latest psych journal out loud to her.

This time, her subconscious seemed to favor flight. Her eyes darted to the door, mind working overtime to calculate how fast she would need to run to get out before the others reacted to pull her back in, breathing accelerating and muscles tensing in anticipation of the escape.

“Typical.” Toby’s cold voice broke through her haze and she turned back to face him. “What are you waiting for? This is what you do best, right, run? So go. I mean, given the amount of time we were spending together the past few weeks, I’m sure your _beloved husband_ has been missing you _dearly_.”

“Toby!” Walter admonished.

From behind the shelves, Paige couldn’t hide her horrified gasp.

Sylvester only barely kept down the bagel he now very much regretted eating.

There was dead silence as the entire garage tried to find its bearings, prematurely broken when Toby brushed past them all for the solace of his desk. The wind as he passed was colder than anything Antarctica could have ever thrown at them.

Cabe wanted to give it ten minutes to cool down, but the air was so heavy it was a miracle he made it to three. “Son?” He approached Toby’s desk carefully, giving him ample warning of his approach to try and not prompt another screaming match.

He didn’t so much as look up from his book, but there was no real sense of hostility either, so the agent dared to place a hand on his shoulder. “Son,” he tried again, and this time got a response in the form of cautious eye contact. “Remember what I told you over the weekend? Don’t take your emotions out in any way you’re going to regret.”

“Oh, trust me, Cabe,” Toby replied in a louder voice than necessary, more of a public announcement than a private conversation with the man standing in front of him. “I’m not going to regret finally being able to tell her what’s-”

“Toby,” Cabe stopped him before he really went too far. “Doc, you have the right to be as angry as you want, nobody’s denying you that. But don’t hit that far below the belt. They lost touch years ago.”

It took a second for the implication behind Cabe’s words to sink in.

A beat of silence.

A mental _‘Oh fuck.’_

And then all hell broke loose.

* * *

* * *

_"There are no secrets in life; just hidden truths that lie beneath the surface."_

_\- Dexter Morgan_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time =D


	2. Chapter 2

_“What a loss to spend that much time with someone, only to find out that they’re a stranger.”_

_\- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind_

* * *

* * *

Toby pushed back abruptly as if Cabe’s touch physically burned him. “What did you say?”

“Son, I-”

“What. Did. You. Say?” His words were slow. A warning, a dare for Cabe to tell the truth.

He didn’t accept the dare and it was arguably one of the worst mistakes of his life.

“You _KNEW_?” Toby pounced to his feet, the fancy office chair Paige had bought the previous summer flying backward, only stopping when it slammed into a table a few feet away.

The crash of plastic against wood, together with Toby’s outburst, proved too much for Sylvester and he tried to curl in on himself but to no avail. None of them needed a cent of Toby’s training to see right through him.

“Sly?” His name came out as a whisper of disbelief, a stark contrast of people he had expected to be lied to by, never in his wildest dreams had Toby ever thought his little brother would be a part of the web. “You too?”

The mathematical prodigy could only look down, ashamed, trying his best to hide the tears threatening to spill at any time.

“In that case, obviously Walter, I presume?”

The head genius at least had the decency to look down too, nodding guiltily.

“Paige?”

The liaison's eyes were wide, bewildered, and she shook her head profusely. “I didn’t know. Toby, I swear-”

He shot her a look of _I believe you_ before turning to the others. “So except for Paige, _everyone_ in here knew? What was I, some kind of a running inside joke for your amusement? Someone you guys gathered around at night to cackle over how blind and stupid I was? Huh? Is this supposed to be funny? Because I’m sure as hell not laughing.”

His voice dropped as more pieces of the puzzle started to fit. “So, he wasn’t coming up with crack theories then… He was telling the truth for once.” Toby glanced up to see confused, mostly remorseful faces looking back at him. “I’m talking about Collins for your information. You know, the psychopath who kidnapped me three days ago?”

“To think that _Mark Collins_ would be the first to be upfront and honest with me about-” Toby stopped himself, _how she can't marry me_ would hurt far too much more to say out loud than it was worth, and exhaled a cruel laugh. “Now _that’s_ funny.”

From his peripheral vision he saw Sylvester coming up to him, but to say he wasn’t in the mood would be the biggest understatement of all time. Toby picked up his bag, roughly stuffing in his laptop and a few books before he headed for the door, looking at them one last time.

“If any of you have a _scrap_ of basic human decency left, do not attempt to contact me unless I initiate it. And trust me, that’s not going to be for a very long time.” He was halfway out the door when he turned back briefly. “Paige, tell Ralph I’m sorry.”

Even the most composed of the team jumped as the metal door slammed behind Toby. Paige was about to confront them all for Toby’s sake, but Walter mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like _I told you so_ before ascending the stairs back up to the loft.

Sylvester’s tears were flowing freely now, the first time he had cried since Megan’s death. Paige was torn between being there for him and heading upstairs and going off on Walter. A quick yet stern glance at Cabe and Happy to watch over Sylvester later, and she found herself climbing the stairs too, nipping at Walter’s heels.

Not long after, her shrill voice rang out from the loft. “Walter O’Brien, you knew?”

There was a gap of silence when Walter’s reply were too soft to be heard, but nobody left downstairs wanted to bite the bullet and turn on the intercom.

That was Toby’s job.

…

“I don’t give a damn that she told to you keep it a secret. You can hack into China’s satellites in minutes yet you couldn’t bother to track the guy down over the years?”

…

“Yes, Happy’s your friend, but I thought Toby was too. I don’t care about your lack of EQ, anyone can see how much he loved her and how much this would kill him.”

…

“You need to seriously reevaluate everything you think, Walter, because I don’t want my son growing up in such a trustless, backstabbing environment.”

Suddenly she appeared again, almost flying down the stairs in a rage, not even looking at any of them as she grabbed her purse and stormed out of there herself.

* * *

The rest of Monday was spent in a heavy silence, whoever was left of the team holed up in their respective corners. Happy was in the back, welding mask on and holding the torch limply in one hand though she never turned it on. For once, the fog resting on the tinted window came from inside the mask, from the tears she wasn’t hiding from anyone.

Tuesday’s silence was broken by Paige coming in later than usual- late enough to have dropped Ralph off at school, and she left early enough to pick him up and never came back that day. She was keeping her promise of not letting Ralph near them. Happy was motionless, sitting at her desk and staring quietly at the woodgrain. Her gaze would fall across the various trinkets and notes Toby had left around her workspace over the past four months, but she could barely register their vibrant colours, her eyes dry and tired from a night spent crying to herself.

_How did she let everything go so bad so fast?_

On Wednesday, signs of life were drifting back into the garage. Cabe had come in with a minor software case for Walter and Sylvester, leaving the women alone to talk. Paige braved Happy’s pointless hammering at a sheet of metal in the back to ask her how she was doing.

“Did you hear from Toby yet?”

Happy put down the hammer but didn’t look up, shaking her head at the dented metal. “He said not to contact him until he wants us to, it’s the least I can do.”

“Well, that’s a convenient excuse.” Paige’s voice was stern now, and Happy finally looked up at her.

“He _said_ he didn’t want-”

“Of course he said that!” Paige threw her hands up in exasperation. “Toby just learned that everyone he had trusted for years has been lying to him the whole time. You know as well as I do that he would be the first to rattle off how emotional situations cause a person do and say rash things.”

Happy’s eyes were glazed over, locked in on something over Paige’s shoulder. She knew what Paige was saying was the truth, she just couldn’t confront it.

“I’m pissed at all of you too, so I’m not going to sugar-coat this. You messed up. Spectacularly. _Helen Keller_ would have been able to see how much he loves you, and you have been lying to his face for eight whole years. You let him believe he had a future with you while you were happily married-”

“He _does_ have a future with me!” Happy finally exploded, followed by a stunned silence, both taken aback by Happy’s sudden surge of emotion. “He does have a future with me,” she repeated, much softer this time. “And I’m not happily married, just legally married. I've never cared about anyone as much as I care about Toby. So much more than I ever felt for…”

Paige watched her expectantly.

“Dylan,” she murmured, shaking her head as if that would rid that name and memory from her mind. “I love Toby.”

“I’ve never heard you say that to him, or about anyone,” Paige responded cautiously. “If you love him, what kept you from telling him the truth about this before now?”

Happy flicked her gaze to stare squarely at Paige, outburst dying on her lips as the liaison's words sunk in and settled heavily on her already burdened heart.

“The least you can do is to reach out to him. Maybe he doesn’t want to talk, now or for a very long time, but so what? At least he’ll know that you’re _trying_. It’s more than you’ve given him so far.”

* * *

Paige's _pep talk_ stuck with Happy all of Wednesday and she could barely get through Thursday. Toby was completely off the grid and they didn't dare try to find him. Walter did call him though, under the pretense of making sure he was alive but the worry in his voice was noticeable. In uncharacteristic form, Happy subtly pestered him all day to find out if Toby got back to him. It was a few hours later that Walter got a text back from Toby stating that he was alive despite the huge betrayals he recently found out about. ‘And no, I'm not at a poker game, 197.’

Realizing that was the best they’d get, Happy once more retreated behind her walls and began to bend the metal pipe on her workbench into a coil she then proceeded to unfurl. That was an action she repeated until she felt the integrity of the pipe beginning to fail. She felt Sylvester’s eyes on her and each time she looked up he averted his eyes.

Happy was the last one in the garage that night after Walter and Cabe went for a late dinner at Kovelsky’s that she declined. Staring around and taking in the deathly quiet, around her, she made the split second decision to make things right with Toby. All she could think about was how badly she wanted to see Toby, grabbing her keys and heading out to her truck.

During the drive to his apartment, she ran through the last four months in her head. After all of their skirting around, she finally plucked up the courage to tell him she wanted them to be an us. The stolen moments in the early days of their relationship were the lightest she's ever experienced.

It wasn't like anything she ever knew before, completely different from the marriage she entered as a teenager. As an adult, Happy now knew the difference between lust and love and with Toby she had both. When they finally found him where Collins had him, her blood ran cold at how terrified she was. He had been missing and seeing the acid over his head, she knew. He was her future and she would risk her own life to ensure his.

Happy took the elevator up to his floor and a flood of memories washed over her. The last time she was in this elevator was with Toby, with her Doc.

_“We're going to get caught,” she whispered in an all too giggly tone as his hands slid under her tank top and she pressed her body into his._

_“That doesn't mean we need to stop, honey bear. The way your body is reacting to my touch indicates you're getting more aroused by the second.” He had on that awful hat but his hazel eyes filled with desire as he held her closer and his smile was contagious._

_She sighed and cupped the side of his face to kiss him. “When we get to your apartment, then we don't stop. I'm not fucking you in an elevator.”_

_He pouted and her lips curved up as she gave him a quick peck. “But I'll fuck you senseless when we get inside your apartment.”_

_The growl from Toby made her giggle and he slid his hands into the back pockets of her jeans. “I'm holding you to that, Happy Quinn.” He squeezed her ass and she grinned._

_“Literally or figuratively, Doc?”_

_“Ooh, I do love when you talk semantics to me, babe.”_

_There was a quirking up of her lips and Happy nipped his ear. “I'll do a lot more than talk.”_

Remembering how he hoisted her up under her thighs to carry her back to his apartment had her close to tears now. They were so in tune just last week and while she still had him at an emotional distance, physically she let him in closer than anyone was ever allowed before.

As she wiped her eyes, Happy told herself that now was not the time to reminisce. Not when she had imploded them with a secret she wasn't ready to share with Toby. It was her secret but the ramifications would reverberate for both of them, and deep down she knew that. Yet, she kept it anyway. She wasn't sure why but the fear she always felt about letting others in close came rushing back with Toby. Which was mind boggling, considering he turned out to be the one person who got under her skin in a way nobody was ever able to.

Tamping down her fear to finally face him, face him with the truth no matter how painful it was, she inhaled deeply through her nose. Exhaling through her mouth, her knuckles rapped at his door.

Happy could tell that Toby hesitated on the other side and she would have to be completely deaf not to hear his sigh through the door. She wasn't sure if he'd open up for her, but he did. And the man staring down at her wasn't familiar at all even though his voice always would be.

“What part of don't contact me do you not understand, sweetheart?” He leaned against the doorframe and loosened his tie, his trademark scruff shaved clean off.

Her eyes widened, and not because of his sardonic tone. “You shaved your scruff off?” She also noticed he was dressed up. “And you're in a suit… Why?”

“I had something this afternoon that required it,” he said gruffly. “I do have a life outside of Scorpion, you know. Outside of you.”

She swallowed, barely able to hold back the wince as her patience wore thin at how it was so out of his character to be curt with her, her of all people. “We should talk, Toby,” she said carefully. It was a rare moment that Happy allowed herself to be self conscious around him and this was one of those. She was uncomfortably aware of how her voice wanted to waver and made sure to keep it steady. “Please?”  

He sighed once more and moved to allow her in as he finished taking off his tie. “Hap, we should have talked a long time ago. But, whatever. Come in before Mrs. Fleming learns even more about us, again.”

Hearing his elderly neighbor’s name took her back to the time last month when the old woman walked down the hall to find Toby pressed against the door to his apartment. Happy all but had his jeans undone and they were both very far gone. It was after getting home from the case at Fort Knox and almost three in the morning so neither expected to be seen by anyone.

_Her lips on his neck felt sinful and the way her hand was down his jeans absolutely was._ _  
_

_“Hap,” he stuttered. “I can’t hold out if you keep that up.”_

_She kept kissing his neck and said she didn’t want him to._

_“Oh, you’re going to be the death of me.”_

_The chuckle that fell from her lips was wanton and she cupped him. “Not what I want, I like you alive.” When she squeezed, Toby’s sharp intake of breath had her with a Cheshire cat grin on her face._

_It was a disgruntled cough heard from a few feet from them that made her freeze. She buried her face in Toby’s chest and his arm wrapped around her, knowing she was horrified at being caught._

_He straightened up, which was difficult with Happy’s hand still down his jeans, but he composed himself. “A bit early for you to be up, isn’t it, Mrs. Flemming?” His bright demeanor wasn’t shared and his neighbor told him she was up and heard hooligans traipsing through the hall._

_“Only to discover this…” She eyed Happy and he chuckled._

_“We’re just getting back from an out of state case and are hopped up on the rush still.”_

_“Hmph, keep it to your apartment, lovebirds. Most people want to be sleeping at this hour.”_

_Toby could feel how Happy was all but holding her breath and said they weren’t going to sleep but they would take this into his apartment. It was a miracle how he managed to snake his other arm behind him and get the door open in his current stupor. But he did. And Happy pushed him in before kicking the door shut. He burst out laughing and she was still stunned._

His repeated “why are you here?”s snapped her out of her reverie and she looked up at him. “I told you, we need to discuss this, Toby.” She did everything in her power to keep her emotions in check when all she felt like doing was crying. But crying wouldn’t help the hole she was in and being honest with Toby was what she had to do, no matter how terrifying that was.

The way he looked at her from where he sat at the small table unnerved her. He had never looked at her with anything but complete adoration and now his eyes were clouded with hurt and suspicion. “Let me get this straight - you run out after telling me that you're married to someone else and now you want me to drop what I'm doing and make time because _you_ want me to?” Before she had the opportunity to respond he ran his hand over his face and then blinked at her. “Why the fuck not, I can't wait to hear how you explain this.”

As she scanned his living room, she noticed how bare it looked, and how cold it felt. It had only been a week since she was last there but it felt like forever. Where the two wine glasses and cooler used to live on the small table in the corner, it was now empty. 

Happy fidgeted with the hem of her shirt, and she never fidgeted. “I needed to figure out how to handle this, surely you won't hold that against me.”

His eyes widened and he was incredulous. “Hold it- hold it against you?” His voice didn't raise but his tone was piercing. “You're the one who does that, not me.”

“Hey,” she warned him. “I needed to take care of this on my own.”

“Haven’t you been alone long enough?” His tone was gentle now and his sadness was overwhelming for her to bear. “I never would have judged you. I just don’t get what I did wrong that you couldn’t trust me enough to help you.”

“You did nothing wrong, stop making this about you.” That came out sharper than she meant and his entire demeanor changed once she said that.

“Make this about me?” he exclaimed. “Oh, honey, I’m the one who was lied to and made to feel like the constant fuck-up. All while you’re the one who sat up on your high horse hiding a huge secret.” She bristled but he wasn’t done. “Now I know why you said you didn't want to have the rug pulled out from under you again, because you knew that you were going to pull it out from under me!”

Happy’s voice was dangerously low as she bit out her words. “That's not fair and you know it. What happened to you'd love me forever? Huh, Doc?”

“I do love you, Happy, and that's what makes this even worse.”

“Then trust me to take care of this.” She was desperate and hoped it didn’t show. But if it did, oh well. All she wanted from him was for the animosity to dissipate and for him to be the man who looked at her like she hung the moon and stars just for him.

“You didn’t take care of it, Happy. You’re still married.” He shook his head, inhaling deeply to ground himself before continuing. “And I don't care that you're married or who he is. I care that you didn’t tell me. I’m upset about all the goddamn lies. There has to be a reason you didn’t think I was worthy enough to divulge this to.”

“You know I don’t do anything without a reason,” she shot back.

“Pray tell, this should be good.” The condescension wasn’t lost on her but she told him the truth because why the hell not.

“I wasn’t ready. Alright? That’s it.”

His face switched so quickly to hurt that her heart dropped. “You've had other boyfriends, Hap, I know that. And lots of people are divorced. But you purposely withheld this, that's what I’m stuck on.”

“I’m a private person and I wasn’t ready to share it with you. Besides, it was nobody’s business but mine.”

“I hate to be the one to break it to you, but it became my business when we started dating. And before you start telling me that I pushed for that, you’re the one who showed up at my apartment to ravage me. Your exact words, and I remember because I have an eidetic memory, were this- ‘We’ve already spooned all night, why not go all the way, Doc?’ I asked you if you were sure because while I could live with us being quiet about our relationship, I wanted to be your boyfriend if we slept together. I don’t know how to just be your friend anymore, Happy.”

A low growl of frustration reverberated in her throat and she narrowed her eyes. “I get it, Doc, I fucked up. You’ve made that blatantly obvious to me. But I can’t change it now. I’m married and need to know if you still want to be with me.”

“Of course I do, but it’s different now.” He stood up and she froze as she never sat down. She watched him start to pace.

“So that’s it?” Happy asked. “The only way you’ll look at me is with derision and mistrust?”

“Don’t put words in my mouth,” he warned, looking at her as he moved about in the small space. “I’m not you, I can't remain unaffected by huge emotional deceit. I'm not able to snap back to how we were but I’m not ending us. Not when we’ve been through so much.”

He was exasperating and Happy didn’t want to fight in this same circle anymore. So she tried a different tactic- deflection. “Why are you dressed up? What’s going on?”

“You jealous?”

Her face hardened. “Of what? You looking like a twelve year old.”

The laugh Toby let out was cold and he ran a hand through his hair. “You know, Hap, not all women like men with facial hair.”

“No, but I like it on you.” She was sincere and the way the emotion in the room flipped from heated to sedate gave them both such whiplash. But they pressed back to anger.

“Well, I like it when my girlfriend isn't married. We don't always get what we want.” He saw how she remained expressionless. “Does your husband have facial hair?”

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “When I knew him, no. But I have no idea what he looks like now.”

Toby made a face and muttered something under his breath that she didn’t catch. She really didn’t want to fight more but had to know the answer to the burning question in her mind. “Were you on a date earlier?”

“Considering we haven’t broken up, no.” The relief was tremendous in her features but he wasn’t done yet. “I don’t date other people when I’m still in a relationship.”

“What you mean ‘still in a relationship’?”

“I mean, you've been married the whole fucking time we knew each other. You tell me if we're still in a relationship.”

“Yes, I like to think we are. It's not like I've seen Dylan this decade, or at all since I've known you actually. You're the one I choose to be with every day.”

Toby flinched at the mention of her husband's name. Now it was real and he couldn't keep pretending this was all a bad dream. “You lied to me, Happy. I don’t care that you were married. I care that you didn't trust me enough to share such a detail with me.” His voice was eerily calm again and he tilted his head as he waited for her retort.

“I never lied,” she cried exasperatedly. “You never asked me if I was married.”

If steam could shoot out of Toby’s ears, it would have. “Are you fucking kidding me? On what planet would I think you were married and that I had to ask _my girlfriend_ if she also had _a husband_. Hell, Happy, do you have another boyfriend or fuck buddy out there that I don’t know about?”

“You son of a bitch,” she spat. “That’s low and you fucking know it.”

Now he stopped to face her and the instinct to flee was overpowered by her desire to stand her ground and not back down from her position. “Low? Low is you all but begging me not to pull the rug out from under you because that’s all you’ve known. And I never, ever, would have. I’m still not. But you? You’re the one who pulled it out from under both of us.”

“Stop it,” she screamed. “I'm apologizing and that's all I've got. What will it take for you to believe me?”

“I don't know. How am I supposed to believe a word you say to me now?”

“Because I love you, you fucking moron!”

With that admission, Toby closed the distance between them and held her side. “What did you say?” His voice was a muffled growl and this wasn't anything like how she pictured this moment would go down.

Looking up and squaring her shoulders, Happy repeated herself. “I said, I love you.”

* * *

* * *

_Honest feelings and bad timing makes the most painful combination._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time =D


	3. Chapter 3

_“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”_

__\- Brené Brown_ _  

* * *

* * *

_“I don't know. How am I supposed to believe a word you say to me now?!”_

_“Because I love you, you fucking moron!”_

_With that admission, Toby closed the distance between them and held her side. “What did you say?” His voice was low and this wasn't anything like how she pictured this moment._

_Looking up and squaring her shoulders, Happy repeated herself. “I said, I love you.”_

-

“Now is when you think is the right time to tell me that?”

“Seriously? That’s the response I get?” Before he could say something else she didn’t want to hear, Happy pulled him down for a kiss. It was meant to shut him up and it worked.

Then, in the next second he deepened it and backed her into the wall. It was messy and harsher than any other kiss between them but she didn't care, it was a connection. Their hands pulled at the other’s clothes and when their eyes met, both froze.

After the volatile fight they had literal moments before, it was agreed that this was what they both wanted with that single look. But the eye contact proved too much, too intimate, and Happy looked down. Her fingers clawed at his starched buttonfront shirt, popping at least two buttons as she worked to get at his skin. _Since when did Toby starch his shirts?_ she thought as she pushed the shirt off his shoulders. _Since when did he have a shirt that required starching?_

He wasn’t idle during this undressing and had her jacket off of her with more coordination than she expected from him and it was in a pile on the floor. Only when Happy had his belt in hand did he hold her back with his hand splayed on her stomach.

The heat between them was electric and Toby was dominant in a way she'd never seen him before. He had her tank top removed and somewhere next to her jacket. Her lips parted with each breath more ragged than the one prior and he took control. She was flat against the wall and moaning into him. Holding her face tightly, he licked his way further into her mouth.

Happy gave him the access he sought and hooked her leg around his hip to hold him to her. His hand went under her thigh and he kissed her jaw. “God, I missed you, Happy.”

“Me too,” she breathed. “Don’t stop.”

Toby shook his head and his lips went to her neck. She held the back of his head and his kissing turned into the beginning of a hickey. It unleashed a sound so guttural in her that he bit the top of her shoulder in response. Licking across her skin and stopping at the material of her bra, he chuckled at the whine from her. The offending piece of clothing stayed on, however, and Happy’s nails were sure to leave a row of half-moon shaped marks at the back of his neck as she held him in place. When he nipped at the sensitive flesh covering her clavicle, Happy breathed out that needed more.

Her hips bucked against his but he held them in place. She brought his face to hers and kissed him again, rough and no laugh at the way their noses bumped into each other. They simply turned their heads opposite and deepened the kiss.

“Tell me what you want, Happy.”

“You.” Her fingers tangled deeper into his curls and she kissed under his ear, nipping at his earlobe. “I want _you_.”

His hands met behind her back but he still didn’t remove her bra like she thought he would. Instead, he ran his hands around to her chest and pulled the bra down to bury his face between her breasts. It was a strange sensation to feel his bare face against her skin. She had gotten used to him being scruffy, sometimes it was longer than others and she adored how it felt on her skin. How it felt like Toby.

But they were together and that’s what she cared about. Happy wrapped her leg around his back and dug her boot heel into him.

His lips sought out her nipple and he sucked vigorously, causing her to cry out at how forceful he was. She wanted him to get rough for months and now he was.

Nails grazed up her spine and he finally unhooked her bra. Toby slid it off her and his hands went to her hips, rubbing his thumbs along the waistband of her jeans. She moaned when he rolled his hips and she felt how hard he was.

Everything was overwhelming and Happy's hands made their way back to his hair and she tugged, demanding more. He growled and Happy bit his earlobe. “Fuck me, Doc.”

He nodded and pushed her leg off him as he hastily unbuttoned her jeans and pushed them down. She shimmied the denim down to her ankles, her boots still on and preventing them from being removed completely.

It was obvious he strained to escape his trousers, the bulge pressing into her abdomen practically screaming that he needed release. And she did too. There might be years of secrets to discuss between them, but in this moment, the only thing either of them wanted was to connect completely.

Happy's hands slid down to undo his belt and he pressed further into her. She undid his trousers and didn’t waste any time in reaching through the fly of his boxers to pull him out. He was throbbing in her hand and she stroked him, knowing how he liked the way her thumb would roll across his tip to tease him. Only this time, Toby's hand covered hers to pull it away.

With a questioning look on her face, his wordless response entailed him reaching into his back pocket for his wallet. He fished out the condom, discarding his wallet on the floor to rip the wrapper open with his teeth and swiftly roll it down his shaft. He normally had her roll it onto him, usually after he went down on her and sometimes after she gave him the beginnings of a blow job. But not this time.

This time, there was no pretense or foreplay other than the screaming match that ended with an aggressive kiss and sex as the only goal in mind. A million thoughts ran through her head and the prevailing one was how much she wanted to be with Toby.

While Happy’s mind was in overdrive thinking of everything she wanted to say, everything she should have said, Toby was nipping at her breasts, leaving a trail of love bites as he kissed his way back up her neck to under her jaw.

Her head rested against the wall and with her breathing erratic, she was so unsure of what was going on with him but wanted to be with him nonetheless. _He’s eager as ever_ , she concluded.

His hand cupping her cheek broke her from her thoughts and they finally made eye contact again. “You ready?” he asked.

That single question was the only tenderness between them that night. For when she nodded and he saw her push her underwear to the side, Toby held himself to guide into her. He filled her completely in one move and she gasped at him pressed against her fully.

Her hands wrapped around his back and she hopped up on him, digging her knees into his sides. Toby held under her ass and began to rock into her. She couldn’t gain purchase because his thrusts were too forceful and each push made her want to pull him further in. Her back arched into him and she began her descent into the ecstasy that only Toby was able to give her.

His teeth nipped at her collarbone as the fire between them grew. He kept his face under her chin and left more hickeys from under her other ear to the dip of her clavicle. She panted at the sensation of his bare cheeks gliding down her skin and didn’t want him to stop. It was new, but still him.

It was all building so quickly that not even the sting of her fingernails grappling for stability slowed him down. His thrusts became frantic and he kept going as she urged him on with open mouthed kisses to his temple. She pulled at his hair and that made him push further into her. He knew from their time together that this was her silent way of telling him to continue, to go even deeper.

Happy was so close and he knew how she required clitoral stimulation to come. His hands shifted her down a few inches against the wall so that now with each move his length brushed against her clit. That small change had her close to screaming his name as the two syllables of it strangled through her lips.

Her inner walls spasmed around him, tightening while she rode out her orgasm as his measured thrusts brought her over the edge. The moment the dam broke and she came, Happy let loose a string of curses and her body crumbled forward.

While she got her release, his could be felt tightly coiled between them and she knew how anxious he was for it. Happy reached her hand between them to cup his balls in her right hand. With her left resting on his cheek, she whispered for him to let go. “Come for me, Doc.”

The only reply given was a grunt as her thumb rubbed between them. She continued her ministrations, increasing pressure until she felt them contract upwards and he buried himself even deeper into her. So deep that she felt her hand around him pressed into her. With one final thrust, he slumped forward and panted her name. It was all over so quick, but with him still inside her, she clenched around him and a few ripples of residual pleasure swept over her.

Their breathing was ragged when Toby set her down. He took a step back and pulled out of her with a shuddered breath, carefully rolling the condom off himself. She stared at him but he never looked up at her. When he turned to walk to the bathroom, she knew it was to dispose of the condom and clean up. Happy stayed against the wall, mostly naked and her mind whirring at what just happened along with literally coming down from how rough they just were.

Normally, Toby wanted to stay inside of her for as long as she let him. _To prolong our intimacy, kitten pie._ She always rolled her eyes but now she felt a void over how quickly he untangled from her. Standing against the wall and still reeling from what happened, Happy’s breath quickened.

Being in such a state of undress, she pulled her jeans up and heard Toby washing his hands before he walked back out wearing a clean tee shirt. He didn't look at her and sat down on the couch. “Go to the bathroom. The last thing I need is you getting a UTI and blaming me for that too.”

Those words were not what she expected to be first out of his mouth but she knew she should freshen up. And bite back the snarky retort on her lips. Happy grabbed her clothes and asked if they could talk after. He said whatever she wanted.

The short walk back to the bathroom felt like she was in a trance. She made quick work of it and washed her hands before getting her bra and tank back on. When she finally looked in the mirror, her eyes were tired and immediately drawn to the number of hickeys she had covering her neck and chest. _Is that a bite mark on my shoulder?_ Happy shook her head and slipped her jacket on. _These can be addressed another time._

What she wanted was to talk with Toby. What she wanted was to explain in a civil manner how her keeping her marriage from him wasn't a reflection on him, but herself.

“Doc,” she called to get his attention before sitting next to him. “So… This happened.”

Toby huffed a laugh and said sex was never a problem for them. “What do you want, Happy?”

Her eyes widened and she took his hand in hers. “I want to talk, I want to know that we'll get through this.”

He pulled away and sniffled. “What do you want, from me?” His question was reiterated with those two words added and the pain in his voice was unmistakable. He closed his eyes and she felt her heart drop.

“Toby.” Her tone was soft and she rarely called him by his first name- only doing so in the throes of passion or a moment she wanted his full attention. “I'm sorry.”

“For what? Lying to me about your marriage or that I had to find out at all that my girlfriend has a husband?”

The way she bit her lip killed him and he knew if she stayed they'd end up in his bed and he couldn't take that. “I need you to leave.” He swallowed thickly with his request and her shock wasn't even hidden.

“What?” Her face betrayed the usual strict control of emotion she had and it was etched into her beautiful features how gutted that request left her.

And he repeated himself. He never asked her to leave. He always wanted her to stay with him and revel in their afterglow together. “I need to process this,” he told her, stealing a glance at her only to look back at his hands. “Alone.”

“Doc.” She reached for his hand and he pulled it away. “Do you really want to be alone?”

He nodded and she exhaled a shuddered breath. “Okay, I’ll give you that.”

Toby didn’t look at her, and she had a sinking feeling he couldn’t bring himself to look at her after what they’d done. “Hap,” he said quietly, “I don’t regret this.”

“Good,” she told him as she kissed the top of his head. “Neither do I.”

When Toby refused to look up, Happy sighed and made her way to the door. She knew what a bad place they were in when he remained planted in his spot on the couch. When the door closed behind her, her heart broke even more at the sob she heard Toby release now that he was alone.

The tears welling up in her eyes couldn't be held back any longer while she thought of how much pain he was in and the sorrow that was overwhelming her. As a few fell down her cheeks, she wiped them away to walk the short distance to the elevator.

Pressing the button and taking deep breaths to keep herself calm, she had no idea how she was going to make this right with Toby. The door to the elevator opened and she sniffled, only to gasp when she came face to face with Sylvester getting off the elevator.

“Happy.” His surprise was evident and he carefully maneuvered around her. “What are you doing here?”

“I had to see that Toby was okay,” she told him flatly.

“You’re crying.” When Sly said that she pulled back and he straightened up.

“It’s nothing.” Happy’s usually cool demeanor was nowhere in sight. She was rattled and Sylvester saw how sad she looked. And disheveled.

“What happened?” He wasn’t sure he wanted to know but he asked nonetheless.

“I saw Toby, we… I tried to fix this and it didn’t go as planned.” She smiled tightly and when he moved to touch her shoulder she flinched back. “Please, Sly, let it go.” Only when Sylvester continued staring at her did she ask him why he was there at such a late hour.

“Ten o’clock isn’t that late, Happy. Even I’m still awake.” His efforts at humor went over her head and she closed her eyes. “I had to see how Toby was, he’s had radio silence with us all since Monday and hasn’t responded to any of my calls or texts.”

Happy took a deep breath and on the exhale spoke. “He’s been otherwise occupied,” she told him.

“With what?”

“I don’t know. We didn’t get that far talking.” She sighed and pressed the call button for the elevator again. “It’s good you’re here though, he needs his friends.”

“You’re his friend, too, his best friend.” Sly was trying so hard to cheer her up and nothing worked as her expression hardly changed.

“I am, but I don’t think he sees me like that at the current moment.” Before he could contradict her, the doors opened and she stepped in. “Go talk with Toby, you’re the friend he needs to see right now.”

She nodded with another small smile as the doors shut and he was left standing in the empty corridor. Sighing, he made his way to Toby’s apartment.

The soft knocking on the door was incessant, gradually getting louder. He tried to ignore it, he couldn’t bear to face her again in the same night, not after what just happened between them.

Finally the pounding in his brain became too much to bear and he stumbled to the door, using the last of his energy to throw it open, slumping against the wood. “When I gave you a key weeks ago, I-” He stopped short when he found himself looking not at Happy, but instead into a pair of terrified eyes. “Sylvester?”

The younger genius blinked, no amount of warnings from Happy could have prepared him to see Toby like this- clean shaven and a completely different person from the one he had been spending late nights with only the previous week, planning the perfect proposal that went so, _so_ wrong. Sylvester didn’t respond, playing nervously with the hem of his vest and fighting against himself to keep eye contact, shifting his weight from leg to leg. Toby sighed and stepped aside, and he bustled in.

“Thank you for letting me in. I wasn’t expecting you to, but I bumped into Happy on the way up and she told me to…” He trailed off as he saw fresh tears chase each other down Toby’s cheeks at the mention of her name. “Oh Toby, I’m so sor-”

“Don’t.” Toby kept his gaze anywhere but Sylvester. “I’ve heard enough apologies from her, I don’t need any more from you.”

“But I really am-”

“I said save it!”

Sylvester’s grip tightened around the hem of his vest, scared and uncertain of whom he - all of them - had made Toby become. “She was crying too,” he dared a different approach. “Whatever happened here, I’m sure it’s a step-”

“You don’t want to know what happened here,” Toby scoffed

Sylvester exhaled deeply. “I know I’m young, and I barely had Megan for a year, but I’m neither naïve nor stupid. I can gather what happened here, but I’m in no way going to judge any of that.”

Toby collapsed onto the couch, his voice barely above a whisper when he spoke. “She should still be here.”

“Sorry?” Sylvester gingerly sat on the other side, wanting to know what he was saying without prodding too much.

“She should still be here,” Toby repeated, more to himself. “She's never left this soon, I… I've never let her leave this soon.” He turned to face Sylvester, but the latter knew he wasn't actually looking at him, his gaze seeming to pass blankly through him instead.

“She's so pretty after. I mean, she always is, but especially after… She gets so giggly. Have you ever seen her giggly? She's practically glowing and, God,” he sighed. “She should still be here.”

“I don't think anyone else has ever seen her giggly, it's one of the furthest things the rest of us would associate with her. You're really lucky, Toby.” Sylvester tried to offer his best, most encouraging smile, but knew he had someone misspoken when Toby's face darkened.

“Except him.”

“Sorry?”

“No one else has ever seen her giggly, except for _hubby_.”

Sylvester shut his eyes tightly. _Here we go._ “Toby-”

“You knew.” This time Toby was staring straight at him, his voice accusing and tinged with hurt. “You knew, Sly. You knew this whole time, and you still went along with all the plans I had for the- You let me believe I could actually have a future with her and…” He trailed off, unable to wrap his head around the betrayal.

“Toby, I-”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Toby snapped, jumping to his feet. “What the hell is wrong with all of you? All these lies and sick games for your amusement. How much more are you hiding from me? Huh? How many other pretenses and illusions am I under? You better tell me, Sylvester, or I swear to God you're going to regret it.”

As soon as he ended his rant, Toby knew he had crossed the line. Sylvester was practically shaking, his breath quickening as his attempt to speak escaped as a gasp for air.

Toby rushed to his side. “Oh God, I'm so sorry. Sylvester? Sly? What's wrong, what's happening?”

_The indecipherable yelling continued from the depths of the garage. Sylvester had just heard footsteps stomping up the stairs to the loft, from the pace and pressure exerted on the steps he knew it was Walter. Which meant the screaming match still going on was between- oh no._

_“Why can't you just leave it alone?” He managed to make out Happy as he dared to move in closer, clinging to the shadows._

_“Don't you understand how interesting this is? How_ tantalizing _? You can't honestly expect me to just let it go, can you?”_

_“I can, and I will make you.”_

_“Ooh I_ quiver _with fear.” Collins mocked._

_“Don't push me, Collins.”_

_“I'm not going to touch you,_ teammate _.” Sylvester gasped as Collins made eye contact and winked. “Oh dear, but did hubby? Is that why you ran away?”_

_Sylvester was only fifteen years old, but well enough versed in the world to grasp what was happening._

_“He didn't. Not that it's any of your business, asshole.”_

_Collins tsked patronizingly. “Now, now, Happy, you don't want to be using such bad words in front of the baby.” He jerked his head toward Sylvester’s hiding place._

_Happy whipped around to face him with such fire in her eyes that Collins almost seemed safe in comparison. “How long have you been here, kid?”_

_Sylvester's voice failed him, the most he could do was shake his head profusely. But Collins did more than his share of talking for him._

_“Long enough. Good job keeping this a secret Happy, now the whole garage knows.”_

_Happy stalked over to Sylvester, grabbing him by his oversized vest. “Listen here, kid, and make sure you listen good. You breathe a word of this to anyone, and I'm going to make sure it's the last time you breathe at all, understood?”_

_He nodded, petrified, and she dropped him. “Good.”_

“I know she didn't mean it, she was already so stressed at Walter and Collins knowing, and seeing me was probably the last straw.” Sylvester looked up at Toby after recounting the incident. “I’ve never held it against her, but she still scares me. A lot.” He offered a weak smile.

“That's why she's so protective of you, and makes you all those special cabinets for your comics and the photo frame for Megan? She feels so guilty for what she did and she's working overtime to make up for it?”

“I think so. She really doesn't need to, I mean there's nothing to forgive. I can't even begin to imagine what she was going through, having everyone find out in less than five minutes.”

“Except me.” Toby's voice was a mixture of sourness and pain.

Sylvester's eyes burned with apology. “You joined a few months after, but as much as I didn't hold her outburst against her, I was still too terrified of the threat to tell you. And then once you guys started dating, and especially after you asked me to help with the…” He rubbed nervously at the band-aid around his own ring finger and sighed. “I assumed she had managed to end it, and had already told you.”

“Well, that was clearly a negative on both accounts.”

“I really am so sorry, Toby. If I had known she was still… If I had known that you still didn't know and that it was going to end this way, I would have never let you go through with it.”

Toby stared at Sylvester, mind working overtime as he tried to grasp everything he had just learned. He was silent for so long that Sylvester was afraid he had gone into the proverbial rabbit hole, but he finally spoke. “I know, buddy.”

“I remember you when I first joined, You were terrified of your own shadow, there’s no way you would have dared to tell me.” He smiled fondly at the memory. “And I know how you always see the best in people, of course you would have assumed she had cleared it up before Christmas, and told me soon after.”

Sly looked at him skeptically and Toby continued. “I don’t hold you responsible for anything in the least. I’m so sorry I yelled at you, Sly.”

Sylvester’s face lit up in a still cautious, but hopeful smile. “Thanks, Toby.” He hesitated for a moment before continuing. “Does this mean you’re going to forgive her too?”

Toby inhaled sharply, and shook his head. “Don’t get me wrong, I love her and I’ll never stop loving her. But learning what I just did… It’s not about she being married to someone else, it’s that she kept it from me for so long. She could have been married a hundred times for all I care, if she had just told me about it. The past four months were the best in my entire life, and now to know that it was all clouded in secrecy and lies, it’s not that easy to forgive.”

Sylvester opened his mouth as if to say something, but then closed it, instead slowly nodding his head as he understood Toby’s words and the reasoning behind them.

“I just need to ask you two things. It’s okay if you don’t know all the facts, but any clarity would be really appreciated.” Sylvester had never heard Toby speak so formally before, and simply maintained a steady eye contact until Toby gathered his thoughts enough to speak again.

“How did Cabe know? You and Walter I get, but Cabe…”

“I’m not too sure of the whole story, but I think Cabe found out when he was doing background checks on us before we officially joined Homeland. I… I overheard him asking Happy about it on the way back from Vegas.”

“You mean when he stranded Walter and I in the desert and told us to figure out our own way hom?” Toby offered a small smile that Sylvester gladly returned.

“Yeah, pretty convenient, huh?”

“So he did it on purpose? To talk to her without me being there because he knew it would affect me?”

Sylvester cast his gaze down. Even that early on, Toby’s feelings for Happy had been obvious. Thinking about it, it did seem highly probable that the agent found an opportunity to keep Toby away long enough to talk it out with Happy, and he grabbed it. Maybe.

“I don’t know about that, but he did wait until Paige and I were asleep. Or at least till he thought I was asleep.”

“What did she say?”

“Not much more than I already knew. I guess she got mar-” He stopped himself when he saw Toby’s face contort with anguish, and went with a less direct approach. “I think it was straight out of high school, but it was long over when she joined the team. At least that’s what Walter told me when I asked him about it the day after the screaming match. I really don’t know much else, I’m sorry.”

Toby leaned back on the couch, hugging the nearest throw cushion tightly to his chest. He picked absentmindedly at the worn threads before he raised his head to ask Sylvester the second question he had. His voice was low, hesitant, not knowing if he really wanted to hear the answer.

“Did she love him?”

Sylvester’s heart broke for his friend, and he felt tears come to his own eyes. “I don’t know, Toby. I don’t think she was forced or unwilling, and she left him without any blowback from his side, but as far as her feelings towards him are concerned, I really don’t know.”

Toby leaned back again, tilted his head down so that his forehead was resting on the cushion, eyes tightly shut with no sign of a response except for the tears racing each other down his cheeks and creating an ever-growing wet patch on the cushion cover. Sylvester watched for longer than even his brilliant mind could keep track of time, not wanting to wake him up if he was asleep, but also not wanting to leave without letting him know. Happy had already left him that night, the last thing he needed was for Sylvester to slink out too.

Suddenly Toby looked up, trying to wipe away the drying tear tracks with the back of his hand until Sylvester offered him tissues and a bottle of hand sanitizer. He smiled gratefully and took a moment to steady himself before asking him if he needed a ride home.

“Are you sure you’re good to drive?” Sylvester asked nervously, trying to be subtle in studying Toby’s apartment but the latter knew his point of concern.

“I’m heartbroken, not drunk.” Toby replied curtly. “Contrary to _her_ popular belief, and Cabe’s _incredibly helpful_ advice, I actually do have some self-control.”

“I, I didn’t mean to imply-”

Toby sighed, flingers clenched in his hair as if he was going to pull it out at any second. “I’m sorry, Sly. I keep taking it out on you when I know you were forced into this. I just… it’s so fucking _hard_.”

“It’s okay,” Sylvester dared to place a hand on Toby’s shoulder. “I’ll take the bus home, you need to rest.”

He was almost at the door, making mental notes to bring food over the next day if Toby still hadn’t returned to work, when he heard him speak.

“I always let people down.” Toby’s voice was barely above a whisper, but the apartment was so quiet that Sylvester heard it clearly.

He walked back to the couch and sat down again. “No you don’t, what are you talking about?”

Toby scoffed harshly. “I may not be drunk, but you still think I’m too much of a mess to drive you home. Hell, I can think much more clearly when I actually am drunk. And I… I’m so obviously not good enough for her either.”

“No, Toby, you _are_.” Sylvester frantically looked around the apartment, hoping to find one of Toby’s uncountable psych journals that would hopefully have a section on grief counselling, but for once the apartment was perfectly clean, even by Sylvester’s standards.

What the younger genius didn’t know was that Toby ran home with Ralph while the rest were on the flight back from Chernobyl, bribing the kid to help him clean up. He couldn’t see all of Happy’s favorite food in the fridge, her favorite wine in the cooler, and the celebratory set-up Cabe had hastily dumped out of sight on Saturday morning. Toby’s plan for a weekend of engagement celebrations.

“Then why didn’t she tell me? Why couldn’t she trust me enough to know that if she had just told me, I would have moved the heavens and the earth to help her?”

“You know how she is,” Sylvester knew it was lame, but he didn’t know what else to say in the moment. “She probably wanted to figure it out on her own.”

“What if she didn’t?” Toby asked, his voice haunting. “Hell, she didn’t figure it out as she’s still married and we’ve been dating since January. What if, what if she didn’t want to figure it out? What if I was just a way to pass the time until he came back?”

“Toby, don’t do this to yourself. You know that’s not something she’d ever do. Didn’t she tell you anything when she was here?”

“She finally told me she ‘loved me’, but forgive me for thinking that it’s a little too late. Forgive me for not being able to trust her right now, after she has been lying to me for eight whole years.”

Sylvester was speechless at the scorn in Toby’s voice, but he didn’t let the silence hang for long.

“Actions speak a hell of a lot louder than words. You have genuinely been in love, Sly. In your opinion, is lying to someone the best way to prove you love them?”

“Do you want me to talk to her?” Sylvester asked eventually, after a few minutes debating with himself on how to respond.

Toby shook his head. “Don’t bother. Too many people have given her too many outs as it is. I still love her and I’ll always be here, but I want to see her get out of this herself.”

Sylvester swallowed and Toby patted his knee before standing. “I’ll drive you home, buddy. I need the fresh air. You mind if the top is down?”

The younger genius said he didn’t and watched as Toby grabbed his keys and opened the door for him to follow.

* * *

* * *

_"As much as I feel sad, I think that not knowing is what really bothers me."_  

__\- Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We struggled with how this chapter should go and this is how we saw the direction of the fic. As always, we'd love to hear your comments/feedback if you have time =D


	4. Chapter 4

_Knowing can be a curse on a person’s life. I’d traded in a pack of lies for a pack of truth, and I didn’t know which one was heavier. Which one took the most strength to carry around? It was a ridiculous question, though, because once you know the truth you can’t ever go back and pick up your suitcase of lies. Heavier or not, the truth is yours now._

_\- Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees_

* * *

* * *

Everyone else was already in the garage when Toby trudged in through the back entrance the following Monday. It was no surprise that he was exuding hostility and anger instead of his usual cheery exuberance, and it was understandable that he offered Paige a tight-lipped smile. But it was not expected how he went out of his way to pass Sylvester’s desk to say hi before heading over to his own workspace. Happy was the only one who knew Sylvester had gone to see Toby that previous Thursday, but even she couldn’t believe that the two were practically back to normal. And honestly, how fast Toby had obviously forgiven the younger genius, that stung.

Walter had been watching Toby’s entrance from the top of the stairs, and came down as soon as Toby settled back behind his books, to stand right in front of him.

“Thank you for finally deciding to show your face around here again. Now hopefully you can put all of this behind you and Scorpion can go back to what it was originally meant to- what?” He noticed Toby staring straight at him.

Toby’s only response was an emotionless ‘I knew coming back was a mistake’ as he stood up, grabbed his bag, and circumvented Walter to head toward to the front door.

The head genius bristled at the blatant disrespect. “I’m not done.”

Toby didn’t so much as look back.

“You walk out that door and you’re not coming back.” Walter warned as Toby’s hand gripped the doorknob. _That_ made the latter turn around, rage and spite burning in his eyes.

“So is that how it goes? You can keep this massive secret, and who knows how many more, from me for years, but I can’t react to that without you threatening to fire me?”

“You’re being childish, Toby.” Walter set his jaw, but was clearly startled at Toby’s harsh laugh.

“What is that, some kind of code word between the two of you?” He turned to Happy who returned a confused but pleading gaze that he ignored. “Because the last time she called me that, you _literally_ killed me. What’s it going to be this time, O’Brien?”

It took a moment for Walter to click what Toby was referring to, but even then he didn’t show any apology. “It is neither productive nor constructive to bring up the past, and you know I had to do what I did for the greater good.”

“It is neither productive nor constructive to bring up the past,” Toby repeated mockingly. “Is that why you’d rather hide it away for years until it is forced into the open, and then act like it’s all the other party’s fault? And you can take your ‘greater good’ and shove it, because if you can’t even give a damn about the people closest to you, how can you pretend to care about the rest of the world?”

“I do care about this team, Toby.” Walter tried to retort, but Toby just scoffed.   
“You care about the team as an ideal, this fancy precious little Scorpion of yours, not about us as individuals.”

“You know that’s not true. I try to create constructive relationships with everyone on the team-”

“Yeah, clearly doing an A+ job on that account, boss.” Toby made the ‘A-okay’ symbol with his fingers and the derision dripped off his tongue.

“I know I’m not the… most successful with relationships-”

“Understatement of the millennium.”

“But all of you are important to me, I hope you can appreciate that.”

“Important to you, huh? That why you were ready to fire me just for wanting to get out of this den of hypocrisy and lies?” Toby crossed him arms across his chest, changing from defense to offense. “And which universe are you living in, that you think you can have ‘constructive relationships’ without an ounce of trust?”

Walter turned to exchange glances with Happy again, who only seemed to shrink even further into her chair. “There is trust, I do trust everyone here.” He spoke slowly, a little confused.

Toby gave a sarcastic chortle. “Forgive me if I can’t say the same about the lot of you.”

“But trust is the basis of any lasting relationship, even for people like us.” He quoted Happy verbatim, from the night they’d gotten back from Chernobyl. The last peaceful night they had had before everything was blown wide open.

“Where the hell did you pick that up from?” Toby eyed Walter skeptically, frowning when the latter turned back to Happy. “She gave you another juicy read from my arch nemesis?”

“Isn’t that you told me?” Walter asked her, as he stuffed his hands into his pockets.

Happy squirmed under the scrutiny of everyone’s eyes on her, trying to wordlessly communicate to Walter to change the topic, but he didn’t get the message.

“Told you what?” Toby walked back from the door and set his bag on the bench in the middle.

“That trust is the basis of any lasting relationship,” Walter frowned, looking back again at Happy, who was now clearly praying she could just disappear. “Right?”

Toby noticeably softened. “Really?” He took a step toward Happy. “You said that?”

She nodded, trying to blink away tears, and he ran a hand over his face. “Happy…”

“You see?” Walter’s smug voice broke the moment, and even Cabe rolled his eyes at the interruption. “You didn’t need to have wasted an entire week trying to get over this, you just needed have a foundation of trust. So now, I believe that we can get back to business as usual?”

Toby snapped back to him. “Did you just imply that your little one-liner is all that’s needed to get over this?”

“It clearly worked,” Walter shrugged, completely missing all the cues from everyone else telling him to shut up.

Paige buried her face in her hands and groaned as Toby snorted. “It _would have_ worked, if the two of you had come to your little epiphany a couple of weeks earlier. Though actually now I’m curious, when _was_ your little trust conversation, exactly?”

“The night we came back from Chernobyl.” Walter replied simply, stress over his own relationship problems blocking out what little social awareness he did have. But Toby had a very different reaction to that answer.

“The night you-” He turned to Happy then. “So that means, even if you had your little bright spark on the spot, you _still_ had over a full day to come clean?”

“To be fair,” Walter spoke up, missing Paige and Cabe both shaking their heads in a way of telling him to stop talking before he made things even worse. “You weren’t exactly… available for most of the next-”

“And whose fucking fault was that?” Toby exploded so loud that even Walter shrank back. “I would have never been in that parking garage if any _one_ of you had had the decency to tell me-” He cut off and chose a different move. If Walter, and Happy, could hurt him with their words and actions, he wasn’t going to hold back on reciprocating. “Y’know, O’Brien, it’s no wonder none of your relationships have worked out. You’re taking your trust lessons from _her_ , that’s like taking ship building lessons from the guys who made the Titanic.”

“I don’t see the exact relevance of your analogy,” Walter tried to shift away from the emotions to the facts he was much more secure in. “The primary reason for the sinking of the Tita-”

“Do I look like I give a damn about that stupid ship?” Toby yelled.

“You were the one who brought up the topic.” Walter narrowed his eyes some, and Toby just scoffed, grabbing his bag and walking back toward the door.

“I’m leaving, I don’t know for how long, and if you want to fire me for it, then fire me. Can’t be worse than having to spend another second in this _hellhole_.”

Paige stood up, knowing what massive consequence another word between the two sparring geniuses might bring, and desperate to stop the fight despite being enraged at Walter herself. “Toby-” She tried to reach out to the party she knew would be easier to talk to, but he just walked out and slammed the door shut behind him.

She sighed and sat back down, making a mental note to go over and talk to him in the evening. From the corner of her eye she saw Happy stand up, and shot her a questioning look, to which she replied with a simple “This is my mess to clean up. 

“He’s probably long gone by now, kid.” Cabe warned her gently, but she shook her head.

“I’ll find him.”

It turned out she didn’t have to look very far, Toby was leaning against the wall just around the corner, one foot kicked up behind him. His head was tilted up and his eyes were closed against the burning sun, and he looked so peaceful that she longed to be able to just lean against his side and let him wrap himself around her.

“Doc?” She asked softly as she walked up to him, wanting to talk but afraid that she’d set him off.

He didn’t make any acknowledgement of her, but he also didn’t lash out, and she took what she got.

“Toby, I’m so sorry.”

“For what?” He turned to her, the rage burning in his eyes replaced with sorrow. “For what, Happy? Because right now there’s so many things, I can’t even identify one mess from the next.”

“Everything.” She whispered, trying to reach out to hold his hand, but he stepped back.

“That’s hardly enough, is it Hap?”

She sighed heavily. “Look, I’m trying, okay?”

“ _Trying_ ?” His laugh was jarring. “Lying to me for eight years, getting more than half the team into your little web, _breaking my heart_ , and your best attempt to fix it all is to just say you’re _sorry_?”

“Then what do you want me to say, Doc?” They were spinning into another fight, and Happy was trying her best to keep things level though she knew it was a battle she was going to lose.

He looked down at her, his sharp eyes boring into her soul. “Right now? I have no idea. But, God, were there so many things you should have said before last week.”

“I screwed up, I get that, Doc. Please tell me what I need to do to make us good again.”

Toby leaned back against the wall, kicking at some debris scattered on the road. A small piece of metal flew far enough to hit one of the rims on Walter’s Malibu, and he tried to take that diversion of Happy’s attention to walk away.

“Toby,” She pleaded, grabbing his arm. “Talk with me, please?”

Anger flashed in his eyes again as he turned back to her and twisted his arm out of her grip. “Look who’s dying to talk all of a sudden. Where was this desperation the last eight years, huh? Hell, at least the past four months?”

“Doc, you know that isn’t fair.”

“ _That_ isn’t fair? I’m the one who was tricked into dating someone who turned out to have been married since long before I’ve known her, and _you’re_ talking about things not being fair?”

“I didn’t trick you into anything.” Happy matched him now, her voice low. “In case you don’t recall, you were _more_ than willing-”

“Not to date a _married woman_ .” He snapped, ignoring how she winced at his words. “Do you not remember how my last relationship ended? Why would I want to live in an exact repeat of that crap? And only to _be_ the homewrecker this time.”

She stepped back and blinked, remembering how affected Toby had been when the truth about Amy and Quincy had been revealed. She remembered how he had spent weeks crying into her shoulder, and even with her having been so much more closed off four years ago, she had let him because even she could tell that his heartbreak and anguish was killing him from the inside out. And forget four years ago, even just six months earlier during the case at Oceanside, seeing Quincy again had completely extinguished the spark that was coming back into him after they’d lost Megan.

“You’re not- it’s not a… a repeat of _anything_ , Toby. I-”

“How is it _not_? You’ve been married for years, and now suddenly this new guy comes along and-”

“Stop it!” She screamed, the tears building up in her eyes and her voice thickening. There was the distinctive clang of the front door behind her, and she knew that some, if not all, of the team had heard and come out to see what was going on, but for once she couldn’t care less about drawing attention to herself. “Toby, stop it. Please.”

Toby looked up, careful to make eye contact with each four standing a few feet behind Happy before continuing. “Stop what? Stop ruining your blissful wedded life with _hubby_?” He exhaled a laugh. “Gladly.”

Happy was too stunned to react, so he just rolled his eyes and stalked off toward his car, fully intending to keep his promise to Walter about leaving for who-knows-how-long, when he felt someone grab his arm again. He pulled it out of the grip, ready to fight with Happy some more, but found himself face to face with Paige instead.

“And what do you want?” He sighed tiredly, briefly noting Walter and Cabe having gone up to Happy, with Sylvester awkwardly hovering between the two groups, not quite knowing what to do.

“To make sure you get a lid on yourself before you say or do something you’re going to regret for the rest of your life.” She hissed, dragging him over to her car instead. “I have another four hours before I need to pick Ralph up, so we’re going to Kovelsky’s and we’re going to _talk_.”

* * *

Paige slammed her hands against the steering wheel in frustration as she sat outside Ralph’s school waiting to pick him up. The talk with Toby had gone about as well as she had expected, he had basically just reiterated everything that had been said in the garage, only peppered with even more expletives. And what frustrated Paige the most was that she really wasn’t in a position to tell Toby off, because in her heart she was sharing almost all of his views. She was boiling with rage inside, not just at Happy but also Walter and Cabe, for knowing but not doing anything about it, willing to risk the team falling apart just to keep the secret. She knew that Toby’s emotions must be a million times more intense than hers, after all, it wasn’t the person _she_ was in love with who had been secretly married for years, and she really couldn’t blame him for lashing out that them, but she also knew that it was her job description to keep the peace and she had to do it, no matter how much it went against her personal beliefs and morals.

She heard the bell ring from inside the school, and straightened up to gather herself as she saw the first stream of kids trickle out of the building. Ralph was among them, it wasn’t like he needed to stay back to get any help with his schoolwork, and he jogged toward the car the moment he saw it.

“Did Toby come back today?” He asked the moment he got in, strapping on his seatbelt. Paige had kept true to her word of not letting her son near the team for the past week, but he had been begging her to please let him see everyone again and she had relented, promising him she’d take him over after school that day.

Paige could only sigh at his innocent question. When she had texted Toby over the weekend to see how he was doing, he had promised her that he would come into work again on Monday. And technically he had, if only to storm out less than an hour later after the terrible confrontation that went down. Ralph had been so excited when she had told him that Toby was coming back that day, her son’s need to see his fun uncle had been one of the main reason she had agreed to let him go back to the garage.

That beat of hesitation on Paige’s part didn’t go unnoticed by Ralph, and he asked her what was wrong. “Did he not come back? I thought he promised.”

“He did, sweetie.” Paige pulled at her seatbelt for more slack as she turned around to face him. “But he and Walter got into another fight, and he left. I’m sure he’ll come around again in a couple of days, you can meet him then, okay?”

Ralph mulled it over in his head for a moment, before nodding. “He’s still really mad at them, isn’t he?”

Paige nodded solemnly. “He’s forgiven Sylvester though. None of us know why or how, but they seemed to be back to normal.”

“Do you think he’ll forgive Happy, Walter and Cabe soon as well?”

Paige felt her breath catch, Ralph was still too young to understand the full implications of what had just been revealed, and settled lamely for a shrug, telling her son that things will fall into place when the time is right. The car behind them honked, and she gratefully took that opportunity to look at the road again and focus on driving, unable to face her son and his heartbreaking innocence.

“Can we still go to the garage, though? I miss the others too.” Ralph spoke up again after a few minutes of silence, and Paige relented, unable to bear to put him through anymore hurt.

-

There was an evident lift in mood the moment Ralph walked into the garage again for the first time _since_ , even Happy managed a smile as he went up to hug her, though she couldn’t help tearing up again when he told her that everything was going to be okay. Walter was still clearly too upset by the events of earlier to greet the boy like he usually did and usher him to try a new experiment, but he did ruffle his hair as he went up the loft to say hi and bring Bueller downstairs.

Even the ferret was clearly affected by the emotions of his humans, notably less active as it nuzzled into Ralph and allowed him to pet him without trying to escape as usual. Nobody had heard from Toby since Paige had dropped him off at his apartment before going to pick Ralph, not that anyone expected otherwise. But if he were still there, he would have noticed how much Sylvester was bouncing in his seat, exuding waves of nervous energy even as he tried to focus on the equations in front of him.

Finally, seeing that Ralph had settled down to do his homework, and the others were engrossed in their own projects, he quietly crossed the garage to Paige’s desk, dragging a chair over to awkwardly sit down beside her.

“Sylvester,” Paige acknowledged him kindly, surprised that he had voluntarily come over to talk, but desperate to get some answers. “Is everything okay?”

He could only shake his head profusely, too many thoughts clogging his mind for him to form words effectively.

“You and Toby seemed to have made up,” She commented, hoping to help him start the conversation.

“Ye- yeah, I went over to his place on Thursday, and I told him everything about how we all knew and that I was too scared to tell him because… because-” Looking up anxiously to make sure Happy wasn’t trying to eavesdrop on them, he dropped his voice and proceeded to tell Paige everything he had told Toby that night.

Paige’s eyes widened as he recounted how it had been Collins who found out, and announced it to Walter as well, leading to a fight that Sylvester had just caught Walter walking away from, and how he had been caught watching from the shadows by Collins. When he got to the part where Happy had threatened him to keep it a secret, Paige could barely hold back her gasp.

“I… wow,” She managed when Sylvester finished, for as much as she had heard about the team in the years before she had joined, she could never imagine that the environment was as toxic and unhealthy as Sylvester just described it to be.

“And that’s not all,” Sylvester was practically chewing on his bottom lip. “You should have seen what happened just after you took Toby out of here this morning.”

_Sylvester hovered awkwardly between the two groups- Happy, Walter and Cabe on one side and Toby and Paige on the other- not quite knowing which group he should go up to. As much as Toby had forgiven him, Sylvester still couldn’t shake off the guilt that he had known, that he had had the power to stop all of this, that he had actively helped Toby with all things related to the proposal without even trying to check if Happy’s marriage had somehow been dissolved._

_Deep in his thoughts, his peripheral vision only just managed to catch Paige practically shoving Toby into her car and driving off, and with one of the two options taken out of play, he found himself hesitantly walking up the remain trio._

_“... then why did you give me that whole lecture on trust when you yourself hadn’t been honest to Toby?” He caught the last bits of Walter’s matter-of-fact question, the head genius completely missing social etiquette yet again._

_Fresh tears pooled in Happy’s eyes. “I knew I was in too deep with Toby for the secret to come out in any way that wouldn’t tear us apart. I just didn’t want you to make the same mistakes with Paige.”_

_“You should’ve fixed your own problems first, before getting involved with my relationships.” Walter replied straightforwardly, and Cabe hissed his name to get him to shut up._

_“Haven’t you already contributed enough to this, without making her feel worse?”_

_Walter shrugged. “I didn’t contribute to this at all, this was all Happy’s doing.”_

_“Son-” The agent tried to warn him, but was interrupted by Happy’s outburst._

_“I_ know. _I know, Walt, okay? This is my doing and I should have said something but I didn’t and now I’m paying for that mistake.”_

_“It’s not just you,” Walter responded emotionlessly. “The entire team is affected. We haven’t had a productive work day for over a week.”_

_“Shut_ up _, Walter.” Cabe shot back. “Stop caring about work for once and think about your team as people. With emotions.” Walter merely shrugged again and headed back inside the garage, muttering about having to complete an experiment so he wouldn’t be wasting today as well. Rolling his eyes at him, Cabe turned to Happy to try and comfort her, but she was already shaking as she slumped back against the wall._

_“I didn’t know he could ever be that angry, and I never thought it would be at me.” She could barely raise her voice above a whisper as she picked at her nails._

_Cabe rubbed her shoulder. “Don’t stress yourself over it, kid, when things get hard he retreats into being an ass, that’s just how Walter-”_

_Happy shook her head. “I’m not talking about Walter. I… I was always the one who could calm Toby down, and now I’m the one who’s setting him off and hurting him.” She looked up with sorrowful eyes. “What did I do, Cabe?”_

_Cabe sighed, remembering especially how Happy had calmed Toby down that time when Sylvester had detonated the bomb left behind by The Ghosts and-_

_He caught sight of the latter, standing about five feet away from them and not quite sure how to join in, nodding him to come over. “How are you holding on, son?” He asked, and Happy looked up at that._

_“Looks like Thursday worked for you at least, huh Sly?” She managed a weak smile, and he nodded._

_“I bumped into Happy on the way to talk to Toby last Thursday,” Sylvester explained to the agent who clearly didn’t get what Happy was talking about._

_“Only made things worse between me and him, but at least he forgave Sly and that’s better than nothing.” She added,_ if only they knew exactly what happened between us.

_Cabe knew there was clearly something he was missing that Happy, and even Sylvester if he knew, was not willing to talk about, but given the fragile state of their emotions at the moment, he decided against pushing the matter._

“Nothing much happened after that, but I know she’s still upset.” Sylvester ended his recount, and Paige looked across to see Happy picking at some circuitry on her workbench, clearly not okay. “How’s Toby doing?”

She shrugged at Sylvester. “When I dropped him off at his place, it was still pretty much the same as when we left here.”

“Will this ever be fixed?” Sylvester sounded so much like Ralph in that moment that Paige’s heart broke. She pulled him in for a hug, rubbing his back comfortingly as she promised him that it would, it would just take a really long time. Sylvester pulled back from the hug just then, a small spark in his eyes despite the stress and worry brought on by the day.

“I… I don’t know if this will work, but I have an idea and I don’t think there’ll be any harm in trying.”

* * *

Dinner at Toby’s apartment a few nights later consisted of takeout that Happy brought over with her. She texted him to see if he wanted to see her and he said that was fine before she said she’d get their usual orders from the Thai place that was their favorite.

All through dinner was an awkward quiet and a chill that carried over from the week. He kept his distance at work and they hadn’t been in this close proximity since last week. It felt like their intimacy days earlier never happened.

Waiting until they were done eating, Happy brought up how she wanted to talk. His sneer added to the tension in the air and he muttered how all she wanted to do now was talk when before it was like pulling teeth from her.

Happy's sigh made him speak before she could spew out some ridiculous excuse that he wasn’t in the mood to hear. “What’s there to talk about?”

She swallowed. “Us.” He rolled his eyes but she pressed on without a visible reaction even though inside she felt like dying. “How I’m married _in name only_ and how I wish I had told you sooner.”

His eyes hardened. “Too late for that now.” He pushed back from the table and stood. “You didn’t and I don’t know what kind of miracle you expect from me at the moment.”

“I expect you to talk with me, Doc.” For her that was obvious while he pretended to think it over. “Something needs to get done.”

He ignored her for several minutes and he remained uncharacteristically silent while he cleared up. She stood in the living room, leaning against the wall where they were _together_ last week as she waited.

When he walked past her to sit on the couch, Happy smiled at how his five o’clock scruff was back on his cheeks. A smile that turned into a frown at the dark circles under his eyes she noticed on Monday.

Toby didn’t look at her but he felt her eyes on him and shifted away when she sat next to him. She reached over to cup the side of his face and bring her gaze to meet hers. “You’re my best friend, that has to mean something.”

He looked down but didn’t recoil from her touch. “That’s not a fix-all. It makes this worse actually.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You keep saying that,” he sighed. “And so am I.”

“What then?” The way she snapped back to on edge caught his attention and he saw how her body was rigid. “You continue punishing me to make yourself feel better?”

Toby’s eyes widened and he looked ready to combust. “Punish you? That’s what you think I’m doing?”

Happy nodded, shifting back in her spot now and ready to disappear into the couch cushions at how he was staring at her. “You go off on me at work and then act like I don’t exist. That’s not even touching what we did last week against that wall.” He started to say something but she silenced him. “What conclusions do you think I’d draw from that behavior, Doc?”

He turned his head and licked his lips instinctively. “That I’m trying to maintain my sanity, Happy. Last week happened and I don’t regret that, at all. The only thing I want is to get back to how we were. I want to make it through to a day where this is a distant memory.”

“Then let’s get there. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

“Anything short of a time machine feels inadequate.” He exhaled forcefully and it was obvious he struggled to keep even keeled.

“Be reasonable, Doc. I’m trying here.”

His eyes narrowed at her and it felt like they were at a dangerous impasse. “What do you want from me, Happy?” He stood up and she followed suit.

“You! Just you.”

Like last week, the electricity was heavy between them. Only when he leaned down did she stop him with a hand to his chest. “Toby,” her voice was strained and she squeezed her eyes shut.

Both felt how this would easily lead to a repeat of last week. A repeat neither were ready for or could handle. Being able to read that, he gently pushed back a stray piece of her hair. He saw how exposed her emotions were and needed to show her that she meant everything to him. “Let me make love to you?”

She wanted it, wanted him, and leaned up to kiss his chin. “Yes,” she breathed.

His smile was faint, but it was there, and she mirrored it. Happy tugged him down the hall to his bedroom with her fingers laced through his.

Toby stopped her to lift her up. She was taken aback but enjoyed how they still had this. Since he was already barefoot, when he set Happy on the bed his first action was to kneel and remove her boots.

She watched him with her hands braced behind her and he made quick work of it. With her feet now bare, she pulled them up onto the bed and scooted back. But that’s not what he had in mind and he held her by the waist to keep her closer and looked at her, his thumbs resting at her waistband.

When she nodded, he smiled. Her jeans were soon unbuttoned and he peeled them down her legs. With the denim a pile on the floor, Toby crawled up next to her and finally asked her about the jackets.

“You’re really on a high collar kick these days, Hap.” He had it halfway unzipped when he saw the light purple bruising on her neck, and how she was looking at his shoulder.

“What the…?”

She shook her head yanked at his shirt. Toby pulled it over his head and threw it to the floor and asked again. Happy looked down at his sweatpants and he didn’t even bite back his smirk as he pulled them down and kicked them off the bed.

With him only in boxers, Happy removed her tank and bra, knowing full well he’d never be able to let go all the marks seen on her.

He moved to turn on the bedside lamp and she closed her eyes. The hickeys he left down her neck were now a light purple and his fingers ghosted over them. “I'm so sorry, Happy.” His lips pressed soft kisses onto the marks he left on her.

“Don't be,” she told him.

His eyebrows furrowed and he propped himself up on his forearm. “I hurt you.”  

“No, Doc, you didn't.” She ran her fingers through his curls and looked into his eyes. “You got rough, there's a difference.”

“What?”

Happy closed her eyes and shifted up. “I know you wouldn't hurt me, Toby. Even with how angry you were, are, with me.”

“How do you know that?” His words were slow and deliberate, like he knew what she was going to say and not sure he wanted it confirmed.

“Because I've had rougher…”

Toby's mouth opened to speak but no words came out. Happy went to sit up and he gently stopped her. “I don't want to be like that with you, not with how we’re in such a bad place right now. All I want is to make you feel good.”

“How? How are we supposed to do that when we can barely go an hour without sniping at each other?”

“Well,” he said leaning over to kiss the top of her breast. “How about right now we forget that you're married and how much we’re hurting, and just be together?”

“You’re avoiding the issue, Doc.”

“I am,” he agreed, kissing her jaw and holding her side. “But we haven’t had the best of luck since… since that Friday, and I want one night where it feels like we’re us again. Do you understand?”

“Of course I do.”

He pulled back to look into her eyes, to make sure there was no doubt about what they were doing. “I want you, and I mean that each time I say it.”

Toby smiled and leaned over to kiss her neck. She moaned as his face slid down her body and his scruff swept across her skin. This felt like them again- Toby worshipping her body and her revelling in each action.

As he moved further down, he paid extra attention to the marks on her. His hand rested on her hip, over the finger marks where they dug in too tightly as his base needs took over and they both urged each other on.

Her one breast was a faint tinge of purple as he licked around her nipple. He remembered how forceful he was then and now wanted to be the opposite. Toby wrapped his lips around her nipple and gently sucked how he knew she enjoyed. The way she groaned reminded him to move to her other breast. 

All they focused on was what they were feeling. No matter what was going on with them, being like this, having Happy in his bed and so content, Toby was satisfied and wanted to bring her even more.

By the time he moved between her legs and had her underwear off, his mouth was watering. In their months of being together, the longest he went without going down on her was a few days and he had already gone too long without her. He loved everything about Happy and her taste was one of them.

He inhaled deeply and breathed how delicious she smelled. With his nose brushing against her clit, she gasped and he moved to kiss the crease of her thigh.

Crying out at the sensation, both of hands were in his hair and she rolled her hips up for more friction. It was Toby's way to tease her but he wasn't doing that tonight. Tonight he was going to make her feel nothing but good and planned to take pleasure from being the one to bring her that enjoyment.

When Toby's arms wound under her thighs and she felt his hands settle across her abdomen, she was pulled back to the nights he'd go down on her for hours just because he loved hearing the sounds he elicited from her.

The feel of his tongue delving deeper into her folds brought back so many memories for her and reminded her what she had with Toby only two weeks earlier- that lightness of being so in love and in lust. Before she knew it, tears streamed down her face.

She felt a wave of pleasure wash through her and the sob she tried to hold back was let free with the beginning of an orgasm. Toby poked his head up and her hands moved from his head to cover her mouth while she drew her knees up tightly.

When he saw her crying, he shifted back up to lay next to her. “Hap, what's wrong?” He's never seen her cry before, and to have the first time be during such an intimate moment, that crushed him.

“Nothing, I'm sorry.” She sat up and held her knees to her chest.

He rested his hand on her knee and she looked at him. “Please, sweetheart. Talk with me.” They both winced at his phrase in light of what happened but she started talking.

“You're still you.” Her voice was small and he didn't understand what she meant. “You're like how you were before, before, you know.”

“Of course I am.” His hand cupped the side of her face and his thumb swept under her eye. “I'm so sorry for how I was last week, Hap. I never should have let myself be like that.”

“That's not it, none of the sex is what's bothering me.”

“What is bothering you then?”

She couldn't figure out what she was thinking but that the time for keeping this to herself was over. “What are we doing? Fighting and then fucking. I can't do this anymore.” Another sob racked through her and he pulled her across his lap to hold her.

“Happy, I'm so sorry. I don't know how to deal with any of this, babe.” He kissed her shoulder and sighed. “I'm angry and I love you and I know this isn't fair but I don't want to leave you. I can’t.”

“Neither can I, Doc.”

“I have all these emotions and the prevailing ones are sadness and this all consuming love for you. And that makes me angry because I can't believe you kept such a secret from me. But I know we can't change any of it now.”

“Where does this leave us then?”

“In the long run, I'm not sure. But I know we'll get there. Right now,” he smirked only to bite his lip, “I do believe I still owe you an orgasm.”

That made her laugh and she wiped her eyes. “You still want to? I’m a mess.”

He shrugged. “Human emotions are mysterious. And I will always want to, with you.”

“Okay.” She had a light blush on her cheeks when she leaned over to kiss him. Her taste lingered in his mouth and Happy held the side of his face. With her forehead against his moments later, she told him she had to be brought back into the mood.

Grinning, lay her flat against the mattress. “I can certainly do that, Miss Quinn.”

Even though she giggled as he nuzzled her with his scruff, she knew in the back of her mind this night wouldn't be enough to fix them. If anything, she hoped it would serve as a reminder of what they were fighting to get back to, when things got worse as she feared they would.

* * *

* * *

_You know you really love someone when you can’t hate them for breaking your heart._

_\-  Anonymous_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time =D


	5. Chapter 5

 

_If it is right, it happens — The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away._

_\- John Steinbeck_

* * *

* * *

Toby frowned when he heard knocking from his front door. He hadn’t expected anyone to come over after that night, and honestly it wasn’t like he wanted to talk with anyone either. Just a few weeks ago this might have seemed about as likely as a physical Penrose Triangle, but Toby was talked out. The fight earlier that week, and especially all the emotional whiplash it had created, what with Walter bringing up how Happy had given him an entire speech on trust less than 24 hours before she had dropped the bombshell, had mentally and emotionally exhausted him in a way he had never thought possible.

He begrudgingly opened the door, not bothering to check the peephole because he knew he wouldn’t actually let the person in, especially if it were Happy. But the decision was made for him, when Paige bustled in with a large basket of food, way too cheery for the events of the past few days. “I know you were probably expecting to be alone, but this is for your own good.”

“I should really invest in a door chain,” he grumbled to himself before raising his voice slightly to mutter a “Hello to you too, please come in,” but Paige ignored him as she seemed to study his apartment.

“Much better than I thought it would be,” she smiled warmly at him, before heading back over to his front door and calling out to the corridor that it was safe to come in.

Toby stared at her drearily. “What, did you invite the travelling circus?”

“Close enough,” she grinned, and Sylvester and Ralph appeared through the doorway, the latter carefully balancing Bueller’s travelling cage.

“What is this?” Toby couldn’t help but feel a twinge of lightness creeping back into his tone, and Ralph carefully set Bueller’s cage down on the coffee table before rattling off the different suggested ways to help a friend who was going through a difficult time.

“It’s recommended to be available as a listening ear, as well as bring them food and care because it is very common to neglect your health and basic needs when you’re this upset. Pets have also been proven to have calming effects to help reduce stress, so we brought Bueller along.” Ralph had opened the ferret’s cage while speaking, and Toby watched as he cautiously stuck his head out of the cage to sniff and take in his new environment (despite all his pleas and begging, Walter hadn’t allowed Toby to bring Bueller home before).

“You losers literally just googled all of this, didn’t you?” He couldn’t deny that he was feeling much better already just by having them there and knowing that they care, and when Sylvester and Ralph exchanged _busted_ glances, Toby found himself genuinely smiling for the first time _since_.

Sylvester walked up to him. “Monday, these past two weeks in general actually, was so bad, and we wanted to make sure you were still hanging on.”

“Thanks, Sly.” Toby looked at him gratefully. “I know I can always count on the three of you.”

The words were meant to sting, to be not so subtle digs at the other half of the team, and Paige certainly caught on. “The others care about you too, Toby, you need to know that. Of course I didn’t invite them here tonight, but that doesn’t mean you should label them as the bad people.”

“How are they not the bad people? Walter and Cabe had some authority to make sure she had come clean after we made our relationship public, and yet they just let her continue on with eight fu-” He saw Ralph and caught himself just in him. “- _full_ years.”

Paige shot him a warning glare, but he brushed her off. “You went off about Walter that day too, at Kovelsky’s, and now you’re defending the lot of them?”

“They made a massive mistake, but they are trying to make it better. Yes, I will be upset with them for a while, but that doesn’t mean I hate them.”

“I don’t hate them either,” Toby admitted. “I’m enraged beyond words, but if there’s anyone I hate, it’s myself. How in the world did I miss that for years?”

“Because you’re programmed to see the good in people, and especially the team.”

He moved to sit on the armrest of the couch. “What’s the good in all my years of training, when I can’t even read the people I thought were closest to me, over almost a decade?”

“They _are_ close to you,” Sylvester tried to pacify him, but Toby shook his head morosely.

“How can they actually be close to me if they didn’t even bother to think about how I would feel about this?” He looked up at Sly, pleading. “Why don’t they care about me?”

“Come on, Toby, you know they care about you?”

“Have a weird way of showing it.” He scoffed.

Sylvester sighed and looked to Paige, but she shrugged as if to say _I can’t deny what he’s saying_. “I know they made a huge mistake and really hurt you, but that doesn’t mean they don’t genuinely care about you and aren’t trying to make up for it.”

“Yeah, Tyler Goldberg used to call me weird, but he apologized and now we’re pretty good friends.” Ralph added, cocking his head.

Toby sighed, touched by the boy’s innocence. “I don’t know if you’re too young to get this, Ralphie, but people who overtly hurt are much easier to forgive than those who had been lying to and betraying you behind your back, while keeping up a front of friendliness and concern.”

Ralph tilted his head as he tried to understand, and Toby glanced at Paige for permission to elaborate before kneeling in front of the kid. “Let’s put it this way, you forgave Tyler for being mean to you before, when the only thing he was doing to you was being mean, right?” Ralph still couldn’t get where this was going exactly, but nodded. “Okay, but what if now after you guys are good friends, you learn that he’s still calling you weird behind your back? Do you think it will be as easy to forgive him then?”

“No, because if he’s still being mean to me it means he’s not really my friend and doesn’t care about me, because real friends would never- oh.” His brilliant, if a bit socially challenged, brain finally caught up with what Toby was trying to get at. “But Happy does really love you, right?”

Toby sighed heavily. “Are you sure you’re not saying that out of biased judgement? If you applied your logic about the hypothetical scenario with Tyler, would you come to the same conclusion?”

“I would not.” Ralph looked down sadly. “I’m sorry, Toby.”

He looked so heartbroken that the least Toby could do was pull him into a hug and tell him that it was okay. “I will forgive Happy eventually, and Walter and Cabe as well, but it’s going to take some time. None of this is your fault kiddo, so please don’t feel sad, okay? I’m feeling sad more than enough for the whole team.”

Bueller had hopped down from the coffee table by then, and scurried over to his favorite humans. Normally Toby would have carried the ferret and tried to feed it something, but at that moment just looking at the animal almost brought him to tears.

_“No, you're not taking a million-to-one shot with my friend's life, you understand? You go near him with that ferrett, I'm gonna cram that furry little dude up in a place it can never run away from.” He honestly hadn’t said or done any of that with the intention to impress Happy, he had just wanted to make sure that Walter wasn’t killed by the stupid plan of that whack-job doctor._

_He hadn’t been expecting anything when she called him to the corner of the garage a few hours later either, figuring she either wanted him to help her get something, and praying it wasn’t to yell at him. When she had pulled him down and kissed him, he wasn’t able to respond for far too long, not able to register that Happy Quinn was actually, voluntarily kissing him. And just as he came to his senses enough to wrap his arms around her and kiss her back, she pulled away, her moan he had just swallowed sure to stay in his memories for the rest of his life._

_“When you grabbed that doctor and put him in his place, it was hot.” If he was his usual witty self, he would have shot something back about how she didn’t have to come up with a half-baked excuse, and that she could just tell him upfront that she liked him back. But the kiss had short-circuited his brain, and he had scrambled to respond to that when she told him to shut up and not ruin it. And frankly it was good that she did, because he wasn’t in the position to string more than two words together, not when the thing he had been dreaming about for months, if not years, had finally happened._

“What’s wrong, Toby?” Paige noticed how his demeanor dropped even further at the sight of the ferret. “It’s only Bueller, you love him.”

“It’s nothing,” He shook his head as he petted the ferret, the poor animal had nothing to do with the conflicts raging between its humans. “The day we first got Bueller, she… nothing. It’s nothing” Even with the mess they were in, Toby didn’t want to make his and Happy's amazing first kiss up for public discussion. It was something so precious and private and intimate, and really only for the two of them to know.

The others were looking up at him, equal parts curious and concerned. “It was a good thing,” He managed a small smile at the memory of the first time she'd pulled him down and he’d tasted her soft lips. “A really good thing.”

“That’s great, Toby.” Paige patted his shoulder. “Focus on the good things, because getting back to that, that’s the reason to fight through this.”

“Mom, can we eat?” Ralph’s question pulled Toby out of his memories, that kid always had the most innocent yet direct ways of ending painful moments. “You said we’d be having dinner at Toby's, and we’re at Toby’s.”

Sylvester nodded. “It’s best to eat all your carbs before 7pm, or there’ll be significant consequences to-“

“That’s all bupkis.” Toby rolled his eyes, holding up a finger when Sylvester tried to argue. “Which one of us went to Harvard Med?”

Sylvester relented, though he continued to mutter his concerns while Paige spread out half the Kolvesky’s menu on Toby’s kitchen counter.

“You do realise it’s just three adults and a kid, right? And not half the continental US?” Toby raised an eyebrow, but immediately put his hands up in surrender when Paige shot him her signature ‘don’t argue with mom’ look.

“No harm in indulging in comfort food, I think we all more than deserve it.”

“Actually, there can potentially be a lot of harm in-“

“Sylvester!”

The mathematical genius shut up at the exasperation from everyone else, and they all settled down around the counter. Dinner was surprisingly normal, Toby teasing Sylvester with Ralph joining in, and Paige caught between laughing with or chiding them.

Sylvester slowed down and grew quieter halfway through dinner, and Paige started giving Toby and Ralph the _mom talk_ when he spoke up. “It’s not that. They’re helping me actually, to get my mind off…” He pushed his plate away and sighed. “They’re announcing the naming rights for the paediatric ward tomorrow. By my calculations I… I think I have made enough to make sure Megan gets it, but…”

“But it’s still nerve-wracking till the actual results come out, no amount of calculations or logic can help you relax. I know the feeling, you’re trying to win the game without knowing what the other people at the table have. But hoo boy, do you know the stakes.” Toby chuckled, but cut himself off at the shocked and concerned glances of the others. “It’s a _metaphor_ , I haven’t played in months. Unlike certain other members on the team, honesty and trust mean a lot to me.” He muttered the last part under his breath.

Paige sighed heavily at that before turning to Sylvester and asking him how the hospital would let him know. He replied that they had promised to call him in the afternoon, “Oh God, I don’t think I’ll be able to handle the wait tomorrow. And what if… Oh no, what if my phone dies tomorrow, or, or I miss the call and they pass the naming rights on to the next person? What if-”

“Sylvester, stop,” Paige urged. “Everything is going to be fine. Your phone is new, there’s no reason why it should stop working as long as it’s charged. And they wouldn’t just skip over you if you miss just one phone call, I’m sure they’ll give you some leeway. Look,” she rubbed his arm reassuringly as he started to look like he might throw up. “Even if we get a case tomorrow, I’ll make sure you get to stay at the garage, okay? As long as you have your ringer on and keep your phone with you all the time, nothing bad is going to happen.”

He nodded, looking down at his food. “I really want to get it. For her.” He spoke so softly it was almost a whisper.

“I’m sure you will,” Ralph piped up. “After all, Elia’s helping too.”

“He is?” The adults all turned to the boy, who cocked his head.

“Isn’t he? I heard Walter talking to him, something about him being good friends with a few of the people on the board of directors at the hospital. And I think he mentioned something about the Karman Line prize too, how that came too late so this is the least he could do.”

“Wow, that’s… when did you hear that, honey?”

“Just this morning, when I had to go and get one of my hard drives from upstairs. You didn’t let me go to the garage the past week, remember?” Ralph responded simply, and Paige sighed. She had realized soon enough that keeping Ralph away from the team could never be a permanent arrangement anyway, and at least with the kid around the adults would be forced to keep things civil.

“He really did that? Elia offered to help?” Sylvester asked in disbelief, and Ralph nodded. “Wow, that so nice of him, I can’t-”

“Well to be fair, it’s the least he could do after getting all of us almost killed a few too many times. And getting me _literally_ killed, if you can recall,” Toby interrupted, taking a sip from his soda.

“Technically it was Walter who killed you,” Ralph commented, shrugging at the stunned adults. “Mom left the report on her desk, I read it one morning before going to school.”

“It’s _always_ Walter who-” Toby started to rant but stopped under Paige’s withering glare. “But yes, nice of Elia, very nice.”

Sylvester smiled hopefully. “Having Elia talk to the board, that really boosts my chances.”

Toby grinned at him, but then furrowed his eyebrows. “Wait, where did you get the rest of the money from? Weren’t you only halfway there after your little game show run?”

Sylvester froze, opening his mouth but not knowing how exactly to explain what he’d been doing to Toby. “I, uh, I… got into… stocks for a bit.” His voice squeaked toward the end, almost coming out as a question, that Toby saw right through.

“ _Stocks_ ? Is _that_ what the kids are calling it these days? Wow, I’ve been out of the game longer that I thought.” Toby raised an eyebrow and Sylvester gulped nervously.

“I… I don’t know what you’re-” Toby just leaned back on his chair, crossing his arms across his chest, and Sylvester cracked. “I got the idea from when we had to bail Walter out in Vegas. I’m so sorry Toby, I didn’t mean to-”

Toby laughed, patting the younger genius on the back. “Relax, buddy. If all the nonsense of these couple of weeks hasn’t pushed me back into it, I seriously doubt you just mentioning it over dinner is going to be so detrimental.”

“You sure you’re okay?” Paige asked, concerned, and Toby just casually waved her off.

“Oh boy, Happy’s going to kill me if she knows I told you…” Sylvester trailed off nervously, nibbling on a french fry.

_That_ got Toby’s attention, and he sat up straight. “She knew?”

“She helped too, right?” Ralph piped up again, and Toby stared at the boy, incredulous. Sylvester was looking ready to throw up out of guilt as he continued. “Happy bets pretty often when you’re not there. I remember the morning you went to testify against Collins, she and Sylvester asked me to help them bet on the chocolates that Tim sent my mom-”

“Okay, honey,” Paige interrupted quickly. “How about you wrap up with dinner, hmm? It’s almost your bedtime.”

“So Tim _did_ send you chocolates, eh? Walter hung up on me when I asked.” Toby shot Paige a knowing smirk, though it did a poor job of masking the pain in his eyes. He knew Happy had the right to do whatever she wanted to, but he had never thought she’d be having so much fun doing the one thing she had forbade him to do.

Paige picked up on Toby’s need to brush over Ralph’s innocent revelation. “I thought we had already gotten over that,” she groaned, keeping the conversation light though the barely imperceptible nod in his direction told him she understood the implications.

“Are you kidding? It’s the only good thing that happened that godforsaken week.” Toby grinned overenthusiastically, even by his standards, to try and cover up the hurt.

Ralph yawned then, rubbing his eyes, and it was obvious that the kid was tired out. Paige took that as their cue to leave, helping Toby pack up the extra food while telling him in low whispers that she didn’t know the extent of Happy’s betting behind his back, and apologizing again for not stopping it.

Toby appreciated it, but told her not to worry, that he wasn’t blaming her, or anyone else, to be responsible for what Happy had been doing. “Our relationship is built on secrets and betrayals anyway, what’s wrong with adding one more to the pile?”

Sylvester was clearly getting more anxious and regretful with every second that passed, and when Toby told Paige that he’d drop him home instead, he almost fainted. The moment the door closed behind Paige and Ralph with Bueller, he turned to Toby, gushing out another apology. “I’m so sorry, Toby, this is all my fault. I should have come up with another way to get the money, I… I know how hard it is for you to stop, and then doing exactly that and having Happy of all people help me was just-”

“Did you ask her to help?” Toby looked up from where he was searching for his keys.

“Wha… what?”

“Did you specifically go up to her and ask her to help you?”

Sylvester shook his head profusely. “I didn’t want anyone else to know, but she came up to my desk one day, I think while you and Cabe had gone to get lunch, and she saw me looking up the stats and asked me what I was doing. When I told her she asked if she could join in and… and you know how she scares me, I couldn’t say no, not when she knew and-”

“Sly,” Toby cut him off, handing him his bag. “Look, buddy, I get where you were coming from and why you did it, I can’t blame you for that. But Happy on the other hand…” He trailed off and sighed heavily. “That’s a decision she made on her own, and we’re probably going to have a talk about it, but I promise you I’m not holding it against you, okay?”

The younger genius gulped but nodded, and Toby patted his back as he ushered him out the door. “I’ll bring Bueller over tomorrow, but can you help me clear it with Walter if he gets mad? I don’t want to talk to him any more than I strictly need to.”

* * *

Across town from where that little party was going on in Toby’s apartment, Happy sat alone on the floor of her living room, trying to focus on a bit of circuitry she had brought home from the garage, trying to get her mind off of what Paige had told her earlier that day.

_“How are you?” Paige came up to Happy’s workbench, concerned but also not trying too hard to hide how she was still disappointed and angry herself._

_Happy glanced up from her work and shrugged before looking down again, mumbling at her tools. “Nothing much has changed.”_

_“Well you can’t expect a miracle,” Paige knew her tone became a bit too hard and sighed. “Look, I’m sure he’s working on it, and I know you’re working on it too, it’s just going to take time. You can’t expect him to get over something like this so soon, and especially when it’s not just you but the entire team.”_

_“I_ know _.” Happy squeezed her eyes shut. She’s been hearing way too many version of that same advice from way too many people, and just because it was true didn’t mean it helped to ease the pain._

_Paige stepped in closer to Happy and patted her shoulder in comfort. “Sylvester has an idea to try and boost Toby’s mood. I think it’s pretty sweet, it might just help him take his mind off things for a while.”_

_“I’ll do anything.” Happy promised, turning to face Paige fully, but the latter shook her head._

_“Don’t take this the wrong way, but we think it’s best if you’re not there.”_

_Happy pressed her lips together. “Me being there will only ruin things.”_

_“Happy-”_

_“Whatever you need to do for him, do it. Please.”_

_Paige blinked at the desperation and pain she had never heard from Happy before, and squeezed her shoulder again. “Do you mind if we steal him for tonight?”_

_Happy could only offer her a sad half-smile. “There’s no need to steal him, it’s not like he’d want me there anyway.”_

As much as Happy was desperate for anyone to do anything that could possibly help Toby through that pain and heartbreak that she had single-handedly caused him, she also couldn’t hold in her curiosity about what exactly Paige and Sylvester’s plan was. A part of her was screaming to pick up the phone and call one of them, or even drive over to Toby’s to see what was going on, but the more rational, and thankfully stronger, part of her held her back.

Still, she found herself staring blankly at the circuit board in front of her, the wires and resistors she had known intimately since she was barely in elementary school suddenly looking like an indecipherable mess. Growling in frustration, she stood up and stuffed it into her bag to be worked on later. She went to turn on the television, but Friday nights had become cuddle-up-on-the-couch-and-channel-surf nights four months ago, and she could barely look at the programs without her heart being torn open just that little bit more.

Turning off the set, she stared at her vague reflection on the black screen for longer than she bothered to keep track of time, only being snapped back into reality when a car alarm started blaring from across the street. A sad smile played across her lips as she remembered how, even before they’d started dating, Toby would get a kick out of testing whether she could figure out the make and model of the car from just its alarm. It was practically child’s play for her, but Toby would always be so excited and amused that she never had it in herself to do more than roll her eyes.

The Happy Quinn of two weeks ago would have never even dreamt of being this sentimental, how even the most obscure of things could only make her miss Toby more. One of the poems Toby had sent her in the early days of their relationship came to mind, something about how you know you love someone when you can’t do anything without thinking of them. She had just scoffed then, and shot back some snarky reply that she knew now had to have hurt a lot more than Toby dramaticized it did.

“I’m so sorry, Toby.” She whispered that to the empty room, letting her words hang in the still air. Hugging a cushion to herself, she wished she had someone who would come up to check on her like Paige and Sylvester were on Toby, _but that’s what you get when you lie to and hurt the people who love you the most._ She reached for her phone again, but she knew there was no point. She didn’t want to disturb the part of the team over at Toby’s, and Walter and Cabe weren’t exactly the ones you go to for comfort. But she also didn't want to be alone, because that first weekend had her spiraling even deeper and she couldn't bear to feel so lost again.

_When she ran out of the garage immediately after Toby proposed to her and she was forced to say no, forced to reveal a truth she didn’t want him to know, Happy drove to the beach where she and Toby shared their second kiss. A kiss that was so incredible just thinking about it had her able to taste Toby’s lips on hers again. She spent the night at the beach, sinking into the sand as she sat on the beach watching the waves roll closer and closer to her. Water wasn’t her element, her track record with it had her losing and she didn’t like that. But Toby loved it and being this close to something he loved made her feel the tiniest bit better in a situation where she didn’t know how it would be resolved._

_Her heart broke more when she saw a man she thought was Toby call out to a woman who wasn’t her. Seeing her run into this guy’s arms with no care for who saw, Happy was painfully reminded about how she kept Toby at arm’s length in public, only rarely letting down her walls in front of others. Alone she was more comfortable with him being over the top sappy and found herself wishing she could go back to those days to revel in it while she had the chance._

_After that display of love, Happy went back to her truck and drove home. She couldn’t sleep at all, not used to sleeping alone after four months of falling asleep with Toby wrapped around her and she’d squirm to get free only to fall asleep with at least his arm draped over her protectively. When the sun came up, Happy couldn’t take it anymore and changed into her running clothes. Quickly eating a protein bar and grabbing a bottle of water, she was out the door and down the stairs into the early morning light._

_About six miles later and her mind spinning once back in her apartment, it took all of her willpower not to smash everything in sight. She wanted Toby back with her, she wanted not to still be married, she wanted her life back to how it was._ You know that’s not how this works _, she told herself miserably, kicking herself for ignoring this as long as she had._

_The idea of talking with Toby terrified her. How he’d react she didn’t know but she had to find out because she had everything to lose. Making a quick cup of coffee, Happy downed it before going for a shower and then getting dressed to go back to the garage and pray Toby was there and safe._

_She didn’t know what she’d find, and her heart was in her throat seeing both Toby’s car and Cabe’s SUV out front. Pulling into the alley and sneaking in, her heart broke at hearing how crushed Toby was talking with Cabe, and it hit her that this wasn’t like any of the other times she and Toby came to blows. Never before were they so intertwined and connected. She initiated them back in January and looking back on how Toby lit up when they were alone and the small ways she let him in made him happier than she ever could have imagined._

_At hearing the end of Toby’s talk with Cabe, she all but ran to her truck to drive home. She switched to her bike then and drove as far as she could go. Driving nowhere in particular, she just drove so that she didn’t have to think of how the last twelve hours saw her entire life crumble around her._

Pulling back to the present, Happy thought of her dad. He had been there for her the previous week, when she had gone to see him after Paige’s pep talk and before going to Toby’s, in what essentially became a confessional as she broke down and told him everything about that part of her past, the first person she had ever fully confided in about it. She knew he would be there for her again anytime she needed him, but in light of… _recent developments_ , her fingers subconsciously traced over her neck and collarbones, she didn’t know just how much more she wanted him to know. _Whether you like it or not, he’s the only one you have right now,_ she knew, and getting up to go to bed, she made the decision to go over and talk to him again the next day.

-

Sitting in the living room of her dad’s apartment, this was not how Happy thought she’d be spending her Saturday. Unless they were working a case, she and Toby would be together on weekends. Now they were, she didn’t know what _they_ were, just that they were still them. Which, for right now, was more that she could hope for.

She and Patrick spent the day working on the open jobs he had. Jobs that she had done by four in the afternoon and then cleaned all of his tools plus all the lifts in the shop to keep her mind off of how much her life imploded around her. Wrenching always helped her clear her head but they worked on all the available cars in his shop and now she waited for her dad to come back with refills on their whiskey. A refill she gladly took.

“How’re you really doing, Happy?” He looked over at her slumped next to him on the couch and couldn’t remember the last time he saw her this forlorn. The marks on her neck were visible in the high neck tank top she wore and when she noticed him staring, Happy pulled at the collar knowing it wouldn’t cover anything.

“Don't ask, dad.”

His blue eyes showed the worry he felt. “I don’t need to, I know what a hickey looks like.”

She glared at him. “I’m not comfortable discussing this with my father, okay?”

“Sweetheart, those love bites are like a week old. I’m no genius but I know a lot must have gone on between then and now with Toby. Are you okay?”

“No,” she stated as her hand went to her neck. “But not because of these.” Happy took another drink of whiskey before continuing. “I don't know why I thought this would end well. I really thought I'd have more time.”

“Who says you don’t? It seems to me that there must still be a lot there with Toby.” His eyebrows went up and she laughed bitterly.

Happy said that's never been an issue with Toby. “He said that to me as well, I saw him last night.” The way Patrick’s expression changed had her wishing she could disappear. “I really don't want to be talking about this aspect of my relationship with you.”

He chuckled and told her that at least there was a relationship to talk about. Her face fell. “I'm sorry,” he said as he reached for her hand. “Too soon, it seems I can't hold my liquor like I used to.”

“Don’t worry about it, it’s true. Last I saw Toby he said we were still together. But I don’t know…”

He rested a hand on her knee. “Happy, I admit I haven’t been around you guys recently, but if there’s one thing I know about Toby it’s that he keeps his word. If he says you’re still together then you’re still together, you don’t need to start worrying that he’d ever-”

“I know,” She cut him off before he could say something about there being another woman, once those words were spoken there’d be no taking them back and her thoughts ran dark as it was. “And that’s what makes it so much worse, Dad, because I know he’d never hurt me, and here I am having kept this from him since the day we met.”

“I can’t deny that it wasn’t the smartest move on your part, but it’s also not something that can never be fixed. I don’t exactly know what’s going on between the two of you, but what I do know is that he loves you so much. You don’t just walk away from that kind of a love, so have faith in him that he won’t.”

Not knowing what to say, she reached for the whiskey bottle and poured herself another glass. “Happy,” Patrick said softly, “that boy loves you so much, he told me so. Do you remember how he and I talked while you and Walter were in that sub?” She nodded and he smiled. “And I know he would never give up on you. But you need to understand he needs time to come to grips with everything. Let him know you’re not giving up and he’ll come around.”

She swallowed thickly and let him know she knew that’s what she needed and what Toby needed. “But it’s harder than anything I’ve ever had to do, dad.” Her voice was soft and in that moment Patrick was reminded how Happy was his little girl nursing a broken heart of her own making. Which made it worse, and was a feeling he knew all too well, he knew exactly how she feels despite their circumstances being different.

“I know it is, sweetheart, but you need to. And you need to do it soon before it's too late. Because as much as I know he'll never give up on you, if he thinks you're not fighting for him, I don't know how long he can wait before it destroys him completely.”

* * *

* * *

_You’re responsible for yourself. You messed up your life, and it’s up to you to fix it. No one else is going to do it for you — for any of you._

_\- Louis Sachar_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time =D


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With the S3 premiere, this fic is now officially canon divergent from the end of 2.24.

_I_ _want to feel that again. I want to remember what it feels like to love someone like that. And not just anyone. I want to know what it feels like to love you._ _  
_ _\- Colleen Hoover and Tarryn Fisher, Never Never_

* * *

* * *

“You went all out, buddy,” Toby said, clapping Sylvester on the back as they waited off to the side of the stage. They stood in the hospital’s cafeteria for the introductions and ribbon cutting ceremony for the new Megan Dodd Pediatric Wing at Whitehull Hospital. “And having a stretch limo to bring us here, I approve of your style.”

“It was the least I could do for her,” Sylvester smiled back through tears building up in his eyes. He turned to look at Walter, but the latter had retreated back to his emotionless state. Paige had tried to talk to him, but when he kept repeatedly shutting her down, she gave up.

Paige rubbed Sylvester’s back while Cabe tried getting Walter to have any reaction to the goings on without any luck. Toby and Happy were standing next to each other and the mood between them felt like a room filled with gas, just a spark away from exploding.

“Thank you, everyone,” Sylvester told them softly. “It means the world to me that you’re all able to celebrate this moment with me.” He was so nervous and Paige took his hand that was fidgeting with his tuxedo jacket with both of hers.

“Megan would be so proud of you, Sylvester. As we all are of you.” She made eye contact with everyone in the small space and had her ‘mom look’ that silently told all of them to verbally agree. There was a chorus of “we’re so proud” and “you did great, buddy” from everyone and the young genius was beaming.

Still fussing over him, they were interrupted when a hospital administrator whisked Sly away to begin the evening’s festivities.

After the introductions were made and Sylvester used the giant scissors to cut the oversized purple ribbon commemorating his late wife, he had tears in his eyes and a huge smile on his face. There was a commotion following saw Sly pulled away for photos and to talk with the hospital board. And it gave Toby the chance to slip into the crowd.

Once Happy spotted him leaning against the open bar, she made her way over to him. “Do you want to dance?” Happy prodded Toby gently, smiling. “We were pretty good at it the last time.”

Toby stared at her. “I used to think we were pretty good at a lot of things. And no, I do not want to dance.” He watched as her face fell. “Sucks when someone says no to a heartfelt question, doesn’t it.” He scoffed, turning to walk away. “Don’t follow me. _Please_.”

Happy winced as he shot back to her the words she had said after shattering his entire world, her entire world, watching him as he disappeared into the crowed. She felt Walter beside her moments later, but didn’t look at him.

“The last time I engaged in ballroom dancing was with Paige.” He murmured softly, Happy wasn’t sure whether it was even for her to hear or if he was talking to himself again. “It was, uh, nice.”

“Should have been, since you reset the cloning device just to get three more minutes with her,” Happy smiled sadly.

“Was it that obvious?”

Happy nodded. “Painfully so. The last, and one of the only times I danced, was with Toby.” She shared.

Walter finally tore his eyes off Paige dancing with Sylvester to look at her. “How did we mess up so bad?”

"We realized too late how important they are." She bit her lip as she made eye contact with Walter. “I’m sorry I dragged all of you into this.”

“It’s not your fault. Toby was right, we should have at least taken the initiative to check back with you once the two of you started dating.”

“You mean hack into my records without telling me?” Happy offered, wanting desperately to lighten the mood at least the slightest bit.

Walter appreciated it. “How else would I have broached the topic?” He grinned, though it was twinged with sadness.

They looked back in front of them to see Toby had joined Paige and Sylvester, exchanging a few words before Sylvester excused himself. He came up to them and offered them a sympathetic smile.

“I know it hurts now, but you guys are all going to be okay.”

“When?” Happy couldn’t stop herself from asking, at the same time Walter asked Sylvester if Paige had told him anything.

Sylvester looked at Happy first. “She told me that she understood how Toby must be feeling. You didn’t cheat on him the way Drew did with her, but hiding your marriage does come pretty close.” He turned to Walter then. “And she’s putting you in pretty much the same league, about keeping such massive secrets from her and the team.”

Tears were building up in the younger genius’s big eyes. “I will never be able to dance with the one person I want to, ever again. You guys need to go and get them back, you’re still lucky enough to have the chance.”

Walter let a tear run down his cheek. “You know she’s always going to be with you, Sly.”

Happy knew it was best to leave them alone to discuss the person that everyone was here for. She felt almost unworthy to be there talking about her because Sylvester was right, she could still get Toby back if she just worked hard enough for him. Sylvester and Walter would never have that luxury with Megan.

“Hey. “She came up to Toby and Paige. After running through the options in her head, she knew she had to stop avoiding the pain. The only way to fix it was to fix it. “Do you mind if I…”

Paige smiled warmly, stepping back after warning Toby to behave. He didn’t bother to hide his sigh and eye roll as Happy held out her hand for him to hold, in an almost perfect reenactment of after the case at Oceanside. Toby somewhat begrudgingly wrapped his other arm around her, and she jumped as his hand touched the bare skin of her back. For as much sex as they’d been having recently, he hadn’t touched her this gently in weeks.

“I can't believe this is only the second time we’re dancing.” Happy gave him a soft smile. “I should have asked you to do it again earlier.”

“There were a lot of things you should have done earlier, and dancing was the least of your concerns.” Toby replied gruffly.

Happy sighed and apologized again softly as she rested her head against his chest. He remained stoic, not kissing her forehead or even resting his chin on the top of her head, but given how they were at the moment, it was enough. If her wishful thinking alone could will them back to six and a half months ago, she would have, back to when she had first relaxed into Toby's arms around her and everything had seemed to finally start fitting into place.

The bubble lasted for all of a few seconds, and then she felt Toby step back from her.

“I can’t do this right now.” He dropped his arm from her back and pulled his other hand out of hers, walking away from the dance floor.

His abrupt pulling away stung, but thankfully nobody else seemed to notice. She watched as he grabbed another flute of champagne from a passing waiter. “Can’t even stay sober for Sly and Walter’s sake, huh? Why am I not surprised?” It came out harsher than she had intended. Just four weeks ago it might have even been taken as a joke, but everything had changed now, and she knew she had crossed the line.

Toby didn’t even blink as he turned to glare at her. “Well, I must say I _am_ surprised that you didn’t bring _hubby_ _dearest_ as your plus one.” If she was going to go too far, then he could go even further.

“Don’t you even-” She was cut off by a pleasant “Toby?” from behind them, and they turned around to see one of the doctors, someone she didn’t think they had seen yet, smiling widely at Toby.

Almost immediately, it was as if the old Toby was back, hugging the other man enthusiastically. “Rory? Hey, man, how are you?”

Happy watched on as they talked, Rory asked how they got into the VIP area and Toby explained how they work with Walter and Sylvester, and therefore used to know Megan fairly well. She couldn't help but notice the distinction when he stated that Walter and Sylvester were colleagues, and more specifically, “Sylvester is a really good friend too.”

“We came around a lot when Megan’s health was deteriorating, didn't see you around though.”

Rory nodded, relief obvious in his features. “She passed around November, right? I only transferred here in January, and thank god for that.” He dropped his voice so that others around wouldn't hear. “Did you know they had a terrible fungal outbreak in November? _Meliola anfracta_ , if you can believe it. It's amazing how nobody died.”

“You don't say.” Toby acted surprised and, despite the iciness between them, exchanged a quick glance with Happy that spoke more than any words could.

Rory followed Toby's gaze to Happy and brightened up again. “So sorry I didn't introduce myself earlier. I’m Rory Kurtzman, Toby and I went to college together. You must be his wife?”

It was a miracle Toby didn't crush the delicate glass in his hand. His entire demeanor instantly changed, tensing and hardening his gaze, though Rory didn't seem to notice it. Happy did though, and stepped in quickly before something happened or was said that shouldn’t happen in public.

“I'm his girlfriend,” she reached out to shake his hand. “Happy Quinn.”

“Ah, so I was early by a little bit.” Rory grinned, patting Toby's arm. “She's a good one man, you might wanna hurry up and get to it.”

“It's certainly not for lack of trying,” he muttered under his breath, just loud enough for Happy to hear, before laughing with Rory, though for someone who knew him as closely as Happy did, it was almost grating.

Rory remained blissfully ignorant of the tense atmosphere between the two, his grin was still plastered on his face as he turned to Happy. “As brilliant as this guy is, there are times he can’t take a hint for the life of him. You might have to drag him by the ear into a Tiffany’s before he gets the message.”

“Oh, I’ve been missing a lot of hints alright.” Toby made it into a joke for Rory, but Happy got the sarcastic undertone and it cut. “But it’s never going to happen again. I’ve got an amazing training, and nobody’s ever getting a break from now onwards.”

Thankfully that was enough to change the topic of conversation. Rory smirked how he’s had the same training too, and Toby switched back to his jovial, narcissistic self as he gleefully reminded his friend how he had topped him in every exam they’d ever had. Paige came over then, having watched the exchange from the distance, followed by the rest of the team.

When Toby introduced them, there was none of the malice in his tone that had been whenever he had addressed them for the past month. Happy saw how all of them perk up, she didn’t need any of the skills Toby was currently bragging about to know that they were all praying against impossible odds that meeting his old friend was enough to bring their Toby back. She took the time to make careful eye contact with each of them, shaking her head with her eyes downcast to tell them _no, it’s all for show_.

Rory smiled, looking at each of them. “I never thought I'd find so many people willing to put up with this genius kid.” He joked, but it was obvious that he had genuine affection for Toby.

“Yes, well Happy, Sylvester, and I are geniuses too,” Walter bristled, clearly uncomfortable with all the attention and praise on Toby. “And Paige's son is also one of us.”

But Rory didn't react with the humbled fear Walter had expected, instead it only fueled his enthusiasm.

“Wow, that’s awesome man!” He patted Toby's shoulder again. “Must feel great to find people you can really relate to and trust and feel comfortable around, huh?”

Everyone winced, especially Happy, who found it so incredible just _how deep_ a hole this guy kept digging himself into. Toby laughed it off again, and managed to turn the conversation onto Rory himself.

“Yup, used to feel pretty awesome.” Toby scoffed, but quickly continued before Rory could realize and question his use of the past tense. “So what about you, still researching on personality psychology and all hopped up on Rogers’s person-centered therapy?”

Rory nodded, and the two switched to a more academic conversation, filled with medical and psychiatric terms that the others had long since learned to tune out. Then he led Toby over to a gathering of doctors, leaving the rest of the team behind, stunned and wracked with guilt. Toby had been closed off from them for almost a month now, and seeing him as old self, laughing and joking with his old friend and even the other doctors he had only just met, only served to twist the knife in deeper. How had they managed to screw up so badly? Why did they _let_ themselves screw up so badly?  

-

It was only around two hours later, when the gala was winding to a close, that Sylvester and Paige were nominated to go call Toby back. The moment they approached him, though they were the two members of the team he wasn’t blaming for anything, his mood noticeably dropped. He took his time, exchanging numbers with Rory and a few of the other doctors before practically dragging his feet to follow Sly and Paige outside to where the rest of the team, and the limo Sylvester had rented, were waiting.

The atmosphere became strained the moment they all got into the limo. It was a spacious Lincoln, but add in six adults this tense and even a naval aircraft carrier would feel too small. “It must be nice to have run into your old friend again.” Paige tried to strike a friendly conversation with Toby, but he just hummed absentmindedly, busy on his phone.

Still, Paige took that as better than nothing, and tried to push him further. “Did you two have a lot of classes together? Roomates?”

Toby just nodded and shook his head respectively at the questions, not looking up from his phone, and Paige got the message. Uncomfortable silence filled the space again, broken for a while when Sylvester mentioned how much Megan would’ve liked the gala, the rest murmuring their agreement and wishes that she was there to see it.

There was a sudden, uncharacteristic chortle from Toby, and everyone looked to see him grinning at his phone- a real, genuine Toby grin that none of them had seen for weeks.

“Looks like I wasn’t the only one hiding people from my past.” Happy blurted out, before processing what she said. She immediately clamped a hand over her mouth, but it was too late. 

Toby looked up from his phone for the first time since getting into the limo, a rage-filled fire burning in his eyes that had Sylvester pressing back into his seat and wishing he could just disappear into the plush leather.

“What?” he asked calmly. Too calmly. The one-more-misstep-from-you-and-I’m-going-to-explode type of calmly.

Happy stammered, scrambling to find someway to mitigate what she had just said, though she knew it would never happen. “N… nothing, I… I just… I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry,” Toby sounded so sincere that for a moment none of them knew what was happening. And then he continued. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize that I had to tell you about every last one of the over two hundred people I went to college with, when you didn’t even have the decency to tell me about the _one_ guy you’re fucking _married_ to." 

Happy could only look down, twisting the material of her dress, while the others exchanged nervous glances of whether they should dare say anything.

“Hey,” Paige spoke up in her calming ‘mom’ voice. “The gala was so lovely, but I bet we could all use some sleep. I’m sure the world won’t implode if we come in to work a little later, right, Walter?” Her tone sharpened at the end though, when she said Walter’s name, daring him to contradict her.

Walter managed to swallow and and agree to let them come in up to two hours later just in time before Toby, already back on his phone, muttered a dark “Careful with your word choice Paige, or Happy might slap _you_ on the back of your head as well.”

* * *

Happy nervously stepped into Toby’s apartment behind him. He hadn’t said anything else on the ride back, only speaking once they reached the garage to tell her to follow him home.

He set his bag down on the armchair, undoing his tie as he turned to face her. “So you're my girlfriend, huh?”

Happy felt herself stop breathing. This was the last thing she had wanted. She could barely manage to breathe out a panicked “What?”

“This was the first time you've ever publically referred to yourself as my girlfriend. It just… it seems a bit tricky to be that while you're also someone's wife.” He was emotionless as he walked into bedroom and slammed the door behind him without giving her a chance to respond.

She only just made it to the arm of the couch, sitting shakily on the edge. Her mind was racing but blank at the same time, interpreting Toby’s words in the worst way possible. She was fighting with herself whether to go to his room and talk with him or just wait in the living room, when he came out changed into his usual home clothes to casually sit on the opposite edge of the couch from her.

He didn’t speak, and when she couldn’t bear the heavy silence any longer, she broke it. “Are you saying we’re done?” It was a whisper, but it spoke volumes.

His eyes were locked on something in front of him when he shook his head. It was barely perceptible, she might not even have seen it if she didn’t know him so well, but it was enough for her. For now.

“Do… do you want to take a step back?” She prodded further when he still didn’t verbally respond, though her heart broke more with every word she said. “Just be friends again for a while until we figure this out?”

That was when he finally turned to look at her, and emptiness in his eyes that she had never seen before. “I already told you I don’t know how to just be your friend anymore. I realized I couldn’t just be friends with you in _Kazakhstan_ , while you were hating my guts, let alone now after everything we’ve had.”

“I’ve _never_ hated you, especially not then.”

“Had a funny way of showing it,” he pouted.

She slid down from the arm or the couch to the seat, reaching out to hold his hand but he pulled back. “Toby, you have to believe me.”

When he answered it was strained, pleading. “How?”

“By believing that I love you.”

He didn’t answer, leaning his head back against the top of the couch and staring up at the ceiling.

Happy shifted as close to him as she could without touching. “How could I have hated you when I’m in love with you?”

His reply was a simple, non committal “Okay.”

She couldn’t believe how emotionless he was. Never mind the enthusiastic, loving guy from before, even over the last month at least he had been _angry._ But tonight he was just… numb. She had never seen him like this before, and it was terrifying.

“Please say it back.”

At that he turned back to her, frowning in confusion. “What?”

“That you love me, please say it back.” She was choking back tears now. “I can't bear not hearing you say it, Toby. You don't know how important hearing you love me is to me.”

As much as Happy hoped against hope that he would say it back, she thought she’d at least crack the coldness exuding from him. But that didn’t happen.

Instead, Toby just laughed humorlessly. “Now you know exactly how I used to feel. How it feels to keep telling someone you love them, and they remain closed off and it seems like they’re never going to say it back, like they don’t feel it too.”

He couldn’t have knocked the breath out of her any harder if he had boxed her straight in the sternum. The stinging in the back of her eyes became real tears, threatening to spill at any second. She could barely managed to say his name, but when he looked at her he seemed to realize that he had gone too far.

“Look,” he sighed heavily. “You know how I have always made my feelings clear in the past. None of that has changed, and it never will. Except for the fact that I can’t trust you right now. You can’t mistake those feelings for forgiveness. I’m nowhere near that yet.”

It was painfully obvious how his words had been carefully chosen to circumvent having to say the word she desperately wanted, _needed_ , to hear from his lips again. “Will you ever get there?” Happy hated how vulnerable it came out, but it was the most she could bring herself to say.

Toby closed his eyes and nodded. “I want to forgive you, and I will forgive you. But there’s still too much anger and bitterness for me to truly mean the words you want me to say to you.”

“I understand.” Happy knew it was the most she was going to get from him for a while, so she took what she got without spinning it into another screaming match. “I get that you don’t trust me, and it’s up to you to believe me but I do love you, Toby. I always will.”

He stared at her again, but this time there was a sense of haunting in his eyes, an emotion she couldn’t place until he spoke. “You know, when I told you that over the phone while… I thought I’d never be able to talk to you again, let alone see you. And then I got you back only to learn a few hours later that I never had you to begin with.”

It was only when he said that that Happy felt her blood run cold. That was why the words had come so uncharacteristically easily to her, she realized, because they were the words that she knew she could never forget. The reason for those words was something she could never forget.

“You've always had me, Toby.” She tried to reassure him, but he just scoffed.

“How can I ever have someone who's been married since even before I've known her?”

“You know that’s not fair.” Happy’s voice was low, but there was no missing the hurt.

Toby turned to face her, incredulous. “ _That’s_ not fair? Of all the things that have happened and that I’ve found out about in the past few weeks, and _that’s_ not fair?”

“Toby-”

“How about you try this on for size, Happy- I devoted everything I am to loving you, only to have you be secretly married to someone else the whole time I was thinking of our future together. Is that fair?”

“I haven’t seen him in almost a decade. Just because I’m married to him doesn’t mean I don’t want a future with you.”

“Are you even listening to yourself?” Toby turned himself so he could lean back on the arm of the couch, facing her directly. “You’re saying you want to have a future with me, while still being married to someone else?”

Happy set her jaw. “I thought you said you didn’t care if I was married.”

“I said I _wouldn’t_ have cared that you are married _if. you. had. told. me._ ” He enunciated his words slowly, as if talking to a child. “But this? Letting me believe what we had was real while you’re off-”

“It is real!” Happy would have jumped up if her dress didn’t restrict her movements. “ _We_ are real, Toby. You need to believe me.”

“Forgive me if believing you isn’t the easiest thing for me to do these days.” Toby muttered. “And ‘we’? This isn’t a real relationship, Happy. I hate to break it to you, but all of this was nothing but a massive, twisted affair. 

_Affair._ The word was so tainted, so dirty, that it stunned the fight out of Happy. She would have done anything to convince him that it was the furthest from the truth, that the past four months they had was worth so much more to her than any marriage from her past. But she also couldn’t deny his words- legally and technically, what she and Toby had _was_ nothing more than an affair, and none of the words or emotions in the world could change that fact. The fact that she had adulterated the four most amazing months of both of their lives.

“Why are you being so hard on this?” She asked so softly, so shaken, that Toby couldn’t bring himself to keep fighting.

He tucked back a curl that had escaped her messy bun, his heart breaking at how she closed her eyes to revel in the gentle action she had been taking for granted up till late. “Laying it all out there, it’s the only way for me to wrap my head around all of this. At least you know I'm working on moving forward.” He pulled back from her and leaned back to stare up at the ceiling again. “You never gave me that reassurance, Hap.”

Happy shut her eyes tightly. She knew he was right, the whole time they had been together, and even before that, she had been pressing so many rules and restrictions on him. Sure, most of them had been for his own good as well as hers, but she knew now that the least she could have done was to give him something in return. Something like honesty and trust.

“Then let me give it to you now, Toby.” She was pleading now, something she never thought she would do. But then again, she had also never thought she'd find something worth fighting for.

“I don't know what to ask from you, Happy.” Toby was painfully honest, knowing it was better to hurt now than to never heal. “I'd say I want the truth, but it's a bit too late now, and I honestly don't think I can handle hearing about him, or your life together. Not for some time.”

She nodded, blinking back tears. “When you do know what you need, tell me. I'll do and tell you anything you need me to.” She reached out to take his hand, taking small comfort in the fact that he didn't pull back. “I'm always going to be here.”

She didn't know why, but that line snapped something in Toby, and their quiet moment was broken. “You probably said that to your husband too.” He murmured sourly. “And now look where you are.”

“I never said that to him.” She ran her thumb over his knuckles. “And now I'm with the most amazing man I could ever dream of being with, and I'm going to do everything in my power to keep him, and make him able to love and trust me again.”

Toby turned to look at her, surprise evident in his eyes and with a touch of tenderness. “You're going to have to do a lot to make me trust you again,” he admitted softly.

She nodded. “Everything.”

The smallest smile tilted up the corners of his mouth as he cupped the side of her face. “We're going to get there.” He promised resolutely before leaning in, letting her close the gap between them.

She kissed him softer than she ever had before and he found himself leaning into it. Only for her words to break his heart and make him pull back. “Pretend, Doc, just for tonight. For me.”

“Pretend?”

Her eyes flickered up and then down again. “That you love me. Can’t you say the words even though you don’t mean them?”

There was fire in his eyes and he moved her under him so quickly she mistook the fire in his eyes for anger rather than the raw passion he had always felt for her. “Happy Quinn, I will always mean those words.” The way his hand held her cheek and his thumb swept under her eye had her holding her breath for the ‘but’ she knew was coming. Only it didn’t. “I can’t say them, but I can show you. Let me make love to you.”

With that request, she responded with a kiss and his arm went under her. The feel of his fingers on her bare back was electrifying and he moved to kiss her neck. She kicked her heels off before wrapping her legs around Toby and pressing her hips up. He groaned and she felt his need against her. When their eyes met, the intensity was welcome to them both and their lips met in another crushing kiss.

Everything they had missed in the last several weeks since her bombshell reveal seemed to be back in this moment. He held her tenderly and she clung to him in a way that was new for them both. The intimacy of such heated kissing was wonderful but they were far too dressed for the level of intimacy they craved.

Happy pushed him back to a sitting position and straddled his lap. Her gown was swimming over them and she hiked it up to gain more purchase. Toby normally was able to remove her clothing with little fuss but this was new. The material seemed to go on forever and his hands couldn’t find the hem of it. He growled how this shouldn’t be a problem and she laughed softly while cupping his once more scruffy cheeks. “Let me,” she breathed.

He sat back and let his hands fall to his sides as she gathered the silk in her hands. Watching her pull it up over her torso until she had it off and thrown in a heap on the floor, his hands went back to her creamy skin and held her waist. His eyebrows went up at how she was on his lap in only seamless black boyshorts and pasties covering her nipples.

Looking down, she chuckled. “Modesty, Doc. That gown was backless.”

“And you looked stunning in it.” The way he nipped at her neck had her sighing happily.

“Come on,” she prodded. “Finish with the cheesy line we both know you’re thinking.”

He sucked into her neck before she felt his tongue lick over where she was bound to have a new hickey. “But it looks better on my floor, babe.”

The laugh she let loose was light and playful and she tugged his hair to have him look at her. “Now lose your clothes, Doc. There’s too much between us.”

She let her hips grind down and he made a _tsk, tsk_ noise. With his fingers thumbing the underside of her breasts, he spoke. “First, these need to come off.” Her acquiescence was given with a nod and he smiled. Gingerly, he peeled the left one off and she gasped when his lips wrapped around her nipple to suck it. Her fingers tangled into his curls and he continued as his other hand freed her right nipple. Moving across her chest, he then took it into his mouth and she let out a soft moan with her hips rolling down.

“God, you’re beautiful.” He lips left wet kisses up her neck and he began to suck the spot under her ear that always had her arching into him and panting for more.

“You’re...too...dressed,” she said with difficulty, her breathing starting to stilt at how his mouth worked her neck.

“Then undress me, kitten pie.” He looked at her before nipping playfully at her chin. “I love our skin to skin contact.”

Happy bit her lip to keep from grinning widely over how thrilled she was with the night’s turn of events. With steady hands, she kept eye contact with him as she raised him arms and took the shirt up with it.

Smirking like the smug bastard he was, he groaned when she moved her knees closer to him and pressed her chest against his. Happy dug her heels into his back as she shifted to wrap around his with arms and legs clinging to him. “Take me to bed,” she breathed in his ear.

He lifted her up and held her ass. The entire walk back to his room she was at his neck and her teeth tugged at his skin. When he set her down on the bed, she was still wrapped around him and pulled him down on top of her.

“Someone’s frisky,” he teased.

She laughed. “You’re one to talk. I can feel how ready you are.”

Toby pressed more into her thigh for her to feel how hard he was. “I might be ready, princess, but I plan on doing you first.” Her eyebrows went up and his fingers brushed over the cotton of her soaked through boyshorts. “That cake may have been good but nothing is as satisfying as Happy Quinn for dessert.”

When he used to say that in their early days she’d blush, but now all she did was get wetter. In a flurry of getting the other completely undressed, Happy propped herself up on the pillows while he pushed her knees apart and settled between her legs. With his face millimeters from her hot, wet center, he inhaled the scent of her arousal.

The feel of his breath against her wetness sent a shiver through her. He smiled against her thigh and he wanted her even closer. Lifting her legs over his shoulders, she locked her ankles behind him.

“I like you trapped between my legs, Doc.” She tried to pull him closer and he maneuvered so he didn’t brush over her clit.

She whined and after kissing below her bellybutton, he licked across her pelvis. “You’re the sweetest thing I’ve ever tasted. And I like sweet, honey bear.”

“Am I too sweet?” Happy rolled her hips up for any relief and Toby wound his hands under and around her.

“Nope.” His mouth popped as the word left his lips and his hands cupped her breasts.

That drew forth a guttural moan from her and his mouth took one of her outer lips between his lips. Sucking, she cried out and gripped his curls.

“You’re better than candy.” He got those words out as he sucked her juices and moved from one side to the other.

Happy wasn’t able to coherently speak and the sounds- moans, pants, and a squeak when his tongue darted out to part her outer lips urged him on. With a long, slow lick, his tongue ran up until he felt her clit.

“Toby,” she gasped, holding him tighter in an effort to keep him in place. But she knew better, he always finished what he started and having her a writhing mess underneath him was a source of pride for him.

She felt him grinning and then began her descent into ecstasy while his tongue drew circles around her clit. It was intoxicating for him to feel the motion of her hips bucking up in time with his tongue licking and drawing shapes against her sensitive flesh. His scruff was soaked and Toby moved away from her clit. She tried to pull him back but he ran the underside of his tongue between her inner lips and she cried out when his tongue traced her opening.

His hands that had been massaging her breasts moved down her body and one rested between her hips. His other went lower to cover pubic bone as his thumb rubbed over her clit.

All the sensations had her moaning lower and the constant roll of her hips upward had Toby slow down with her trying to push herself closer to his mouth.

“Tell me what you want, Hap.” Toby sucked a hickey into the crease of her thigh as he thumbed at her clit.

“More,” she told him.

“Be patient,” he crooned.

She groaned and he teased her further. Happy pressed her thighs tighter around his head only to have Toby move his hands so quickly to the inside of her thighs and hold her legs open.

“If I can’t breathe, I can’t get you off.”

“You’re already getting me off.” Her hand slid down and felt how his face was coated in her slick.

He kissed her palm and told her he wouldn’t stop until she shakes uncontrollably. “And that is a promise.”

The way she looked at him had his resolve to keep her wanting melt. His hands gripped her hips and dragged her down to be flat on her back. She laughed at the sudden movement and quickly gasped at how fervent he buried his face in her folds. Her legs began to shake and he held her open to wrap his lips around her clit and suck steadily.

Her hands were back in his hair and his scruffy chin rubbing into her had her panting. It was heaven to his ears and his tongue ran over her clit to bring her to the edge, all while continuing to suck.

When he felt her legs really shake, he knew she was close. With a slew of curses pouring off her lips, Happy came hard with his name a scream in the air.

She sank down into the bed, her eyes closed and a sated smile on her face. Toby smiled seeing her and greedily lapped up all of her wetness.

Now back to her senses, she wanted him back at her level and pulled him up to her. Seeing how his scruff was coated and shiny, she was turned on in a way she couldn’t get enough of. Happy kissed him, her own taste in his mouth making her ache for him even though he was in her arms.

He was hard and wanted more but could wait for her. She grabbed his discarded sweats and wiped his face. “You sure are one messy eater, Doc.”

Toby chuckled. “I can't get enough of you, you taste so good.” He kissed her again, deepening it as his arms snaked around her waist to settle them on their sides.

Intense eye contact and a pause was followed by a whisper. “I do love you, Hap.”

Hearing those words after all that was said that night, she smiled small. Touching his face, she kissed him softly. “How about I make love to you?”

Toby nodded. “Always.”

Happy rolled him under her her and leaned down to kiss his cheek. “Ready?” she breathed.

He squeezed her hips and said yes. Pinning him to the bed, she leaned over to get a condom from his nightstand and ripped the wrapper open. Scooting down, Happy licked pre-cum off his tip, relishing in the shudder and strained moan from him. With her hand, she rubbed him so he was dry for the condom and rolled it down his hardened shaft. Once it was snug at his base, she positioned to sink onto him.

Her hands held his over his head and when they were fully connected. He tilted his head up and she bent down to kiss him. Their hands were still over his head and the feelings between them were like none of the tension had ever been there. She moved her hips up and down, the sensation of him moving inside her incredible. Then Toby told her he wanted to sit up.

She loosened her grip and he held her hips. Still inside her, he groaned and moved back to lean into the headboard. He held her face with both his hands and they kept kissing while rocking back and forth together.

Her arms wrapped around his shoulders and Toby brought one hand between them to stimulate her clit as she needed to reach her climax. Neither were in any rush though, and the eye contact they kept intensified what they felt.

When Toby felt he was close, he flipped them so she was on her back and he had her hands over her head. Prolonging Toby's orgasm as long as he could take it, they continued kissing before Toby had his head between her legs again to keep the passion going while he waited for his next round.

Only after he came several times and she neared her ninth orgasm did they both collapse next to each other. With heavy breaths, Toby kissed her shoulder. “I'll be right back, babe.”

She smiled over at him and watched as he walked into the bathroom to clean up. Her body still tingled, such passion like that wasn't felt in weeks and not _since_ her reveal. Before her thoughts could overtake her, Toby flopped next to her in bed.

With his arm over her chest, he pressed a wet kiss to her neck. “I'll shower in the morning, love. It's all yours.”  

His eyes were closed and she ruffled his hair. “Tired out are you?” she asked playfully.

“Sated, and happy,” he mumbled as he snuggled closer.

“Ease up, cowboy. I want to shower and you're starting your death grip on me.”

He grumbled but moved his arm and leg from her. She slipped off the bed and pulled the covers over him. “I'll be back, Doc.”

Toby didn't even open his eyes yet he was able to bring her back for one last kiss. She laughed and said after her shower they'd cuddle. “If you're still awake.”

By the looks of it, she didn't see that happening as he was half asleep as it was. So she brushed her fingers through his soft curls and then went to shower.

* * *

If the team thought the gala was frosty, the next morning was frigid. After arriving separately, the looks between Toby and Happy were burning.

Cabe came in with a small case that was more software than anything. “Paige, I want you there too to keep everything level. And I want you all outside in five.”

He shot Toby a look and Happy put her welding mask on to avoid talking with him, or anyone, and Cabe knew better than to push for them to be trapped in a small room together for hours on a case they weren't really needed.

Toby stayed at his desk and observed how everyone, save Happy, bustled about to get out as quickly as they could.

Paige yelled her goodbye from the door and Toby nodded at her. Happy was entrenched with her project though and didn't take off her mask until nearly an hour later when Toby stood in front of her workbench with a coffee in hand and one set down for her.

Lifting the mask up, she eyed the cup before saying thank you. “How are you?” She took a sip before he could answer and stiffened when Toby glared at her.

“How do you think? I woke up to an empty bed. Here I thought my _girlfriend_ would stay until morning.” The sneer sent a wave of exhaustion through her and she slumped forward.

“I told you I needed to go, Doc.” She kept her voice even as well as soft.

“Yeah, to the bathroom or something,” he chided. “Why the hell couldn’t you tell me you were going home?” His entire body changed with his next question. “Why the hell _did_ you go home? You’ve never done that with me.”

“You asked _me_ to leave that night…”

“Are you kidding me?!” Toby stepped back and took a deep breath to center himself. The last thing he wanted was to to start another fight despite feeling like it. “That was a standalone situation, Happy. I was reeling and regret asking you to leave. We should have talked more that night.”

“Then talk with me now!” She was exasperated, beyond placating him further for her mistake. “I left you and where we are now is nothing like when we first started dating. I don’t know what we’re doing these days to be honest.”

“You don’t know what we’re doing? Honey, I don’t know who you _are_.”

“You do know me, Toby. I’m the same woman you fell in love with. And I’m so in love with you.”

“Then why sneak out on me?” His emotion was masked now and she'd never get used to her emotional best friend turning his off. “Why sneak out and make me feel like a one night stand you didn’t want to face in the morning?”

“Doc, you know that's not true.” She swallowed, her feelings too close to the surface for her comfort.

“How can I?”

“It was too much.” Happy looked down and reached for a piece of frayed wire to pick up. “The gala and our talk after, then…”

“Then we made love, Happy. We made love.” If he was angry before, now he was devastated. Leaning against her workbench, he sighed. “It’s messy, yeah. But how are we to move past this if you leave?”

“You don’t talk with me, about my marriage and how I’m trying to track Dylan down and when I find him I’ll-”

“Get a divorce?” His eyes were wide and when she looked up there were tears in her eyes. “Why are earth didn’t you track him down earlier?”

“I did, he’s not easy to find.”

“That’s it, ‘he’s not easy to find’?” Toby felt his outrage bubbling up all over again. “Walter and Sly knew about him, are you saying that even _they_ couldn't find him? Or Cabe with all his government contacts? Who is this guy, top brass at the KGB?”

“I thought I could do it by myself.” Her voice was quieter now, but Toby just scoffed.

“Clearly.”

“Toby-”

Resting his palms flat on her workbench, he looked straight at her. “At least after Vietnam, at least _then_ why couldn't you swallow your pride and ask Walt for help? You were more than willing to give him trust advice about Paige, but didn't want to ask him to help you?”

“I thought I had more time, okay?” Tears were still building in her eyes though she managed to harden her voice. “How was I supposed to know you were going to act on it only one month later?”

Toby stepped back, stunned and hurt beyond measure. “So that's the problem? My proposal, and not the fact that you're married? Well let me tell you something, Happy.” He walked around her workbench to stand on her side. “Most proposals are surprises, some even _without_ the month’s heads up I gave you. And yet they're successful, you know why? _Because normal people aren't in secret marriages they conveniently forget to mention until the proposal itself._ ”

Watching her open her mouth and take a deep breath, Toby was more than prepared for another screaming match and hoped that the team were still enroute to the case and hadn't put their comms back in. But he didn't expect to see her turn to face her workbench, shoulders shaking.

He felt the anger and disappointment in him evaporate as his heart broke all over again at seeing her cry. “Hap?” He asked softly as he closed the distance between them and rubbed her back, to let her know he was there but careful not to invade too much of her personal space until she wanted him.

She tensed from years of being withdrawn at the feeling of his hand on her back and almost reached back to slap him away, but she knew now that her tendency to run and keep people at arm’s length was what had brought them here in the first place. Turning, she wrapped her arms around his waist as she buried her face in his chest, managing to get out a soft apology before her sobs took over.

Her tears soaked through his shirt and he slowly brought his arms around her, for as angry and hurt as he was, he could never physically push her away when she’s this distraught. There was still so much more to discuss, so much more to fight and yell and scream over, but right now in the moment that quiet embrace was all they both needed.

* * *

* * *

_It all came together just to fall apart again._

_\- La Dispute, “Andria”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time =D


	7. Chapter 7

_ I just need to be mad for a little while, okay? I know it might not be the most mature thing, but there it is. _

_ \- Cynthia Hand  _

* * *

* * *

Happy couldn’t take it anymore. Toby had told her again not to come over that night, and with the numerous times he’d come over to her place late and dressed much more formally than when he had left the garage, or when he’d be in his usual clothes but obviously was freshly showered, she knew something was going on. She thought back to the first night she had seen him  _ after _ , when he had been clean shaven, wearing a crisp suit that she didn’t even know he had. He had let his scruff grow back slightly, just enough to get the tinge of color back, but nowhere near what it used to be. And she would be lying if she said she didn't notice how he had steadily been gaining muscle, looking fitter, with almost every time she saw him. 

But what killed her the most was how his excuses were getting more and more vague every time she asked. Toby promised her that there wasn't anyone else, that he would fight for them until they became okay again, but it was humanly impossible for her thoughts not to wander. Especially since it was the nights that he came back late, or not at all, that he was the cheeriest the next morning. 

_ That's it _ , she decided. Toby told her not to come over that night as well, but she finally snapped. A small voice in her head steadily grew louder about how hypocritical it was of her to demand to know every last thing going on in Toby's life while she had been keeping this massive secret from him for years, but she forced herself to ignore it. 

Grabbing her keys and shouting a quick goodbye to Walter, she jumped into her truck and sped over to Toby's, breaking a plethora of traffic rules along the way. She let out a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding when she saw light trickling out from between the gaps in his curtains; she wouldn't have known what to do if he hadn't been home. 

When she reached his door, she could just make out him talking to someone, and then a woman's voice answered. Happy felt her breath catch and she braced herself against the wall, a million thoughts running through her mind as her worst fears were being realized. A peal of laughter erupted from Toby’s apartment, and had Happy been thinking straight she would have realized that it came from more than just two people, but at that point she was so blinded by panic and rage that she threw open the door with a loud “What the hell?”

The laughter abruptly died, and Happy blinked when she saw Toby and, not one stranger, but instead three  _ very familiar _ people staring up at her. 

“I  _ told _ you not to come over tonight. What are you doing here?” Toby switched back from jovial to anger. 

Happy let the door click shut behind her as she looked around the room, confused. “What's going on here?”

“That didn't answer my question.” Toby kept his voice steady for Ralph and Sly’s sake, but there was no mistaking the rage seething beneath. 

Happy opened her mouth to answer, but Bueller wriggled about of Ralph’s grasp and ran over to her, standing on his hind paws as he tried to climb up her leg. “Bueller’s here?” She asked as she picked up the ferret. “What-”

“Ralph wanted to come over one last time before going to Portland for the summer,” Paige intercepted before Happy could ask something else and really set Toby off. “And we usually bring Bueller along anyway.”

“Multiple studies have proven that having a pet is a great stress reliever.” Ralph piped up, to which Toby jokingly replied with an affectionate “Nerd” and a ruffle of his hair. 

He turned back to Happy then, the anger quick to flash in his eyes again. “So?”

“Why couldn't you just tell me they were coming over?”

“Why couldn't you just tell me you were married?” Toby shot back without skipping a beat. 

“That's not the point here.” Happy hardened her stance, and Toby just stared at her, incredulous. 

“That's not the point here?” He laughed sardonically. “That's the  _ entire _ point here, Happy. That's literally the only reason everyone is here in the first place.”

Happy could only stare, stumped again by the irrefutable truth in his words, and also unable to wrap her head around how she hadn’t been able to recognize Paige’s voice. Maybe some time down the road when everything was back to normal she would be able to bring it up and they’d all have a good laugh, but in that moment she just felt like a bug under the microscope, being watched by people whose group she was clearly not welcome into. 

The tension in the room was palpable and growing, though neither Toby nor Happy were willing to back down from what had now essentially become a glaring contest. Paige knew she had to get Ralph out of there before words started flying again, because she knew it wouldn’t be long before the kid-friendly filters came off. 

Muttering how Ralph had to sleep early and get to the airport the next day, she all but pushed him and Sly out the door, barely giving the kid enough time to hug Toby and Happy goodbye. She paused to tell Toby to take it easy and “Remember what we were talking about,” before taking Bueller from Happy and practically stuffing the ferret into his cage in her haste to get out. 

The sudden bustle of activity had temporarily broken the cold war between Happy and Toby, but when the door closed behind the trio, the iciness settled back into the room.

“What  _ were _ you talking about?” Happy dropped the anger from her tone, but kept up the guardedness. Toby merely rolled his eyes and got up to throw away the empty food wrappers scattered in the middle of the circle they had been sitting in. 

“If it were something we wanted you to know, we would have invited you here in the first place.”

“Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that within the team there was an exclusive, invite-only club.”

“You’re one to talk.” Toby turned around and leaned against the kitchen counter, crossing his arms across his chest. “What about your precious inner circle of people who knew your dirty little secret?”

Happy mirrored his stance. “Is  _ that _ what this is? A petty little revenge scheme?”

“Please,” he scoffed. “I was just spending some time with my friends, it has nothing to do with getting  _ revenge _ on you.” Toby mocked the word. “I know you think lowly of me, but don’t insult me to that extent.”

“I’ve never thought lowly of you.” She softened her stance slightly as his words shocked her. “Where did you even come up with that?”

“How about when you can always find  _ something _ to yell at me over practically every day, or the double standards you blatantly have when it comes to me, or how you clearly think my feelings are at your disposal to screw around with? Take your pick, Happy.” He was aloof but betrayed little other emotion, it was as if he was just reading off a checklist. “My personal favorite is how you didn’t even bother to tell me you’re already married to someone else, even after four months of dating and me giving you arguably the most obvious heads up imaginable.”

Tears were welling up in her eyes again as he listed out all the ways she had been hurting him during and even before their relationship. “Toby,” she whispered as she walked up to him, but he straightened and stepped just out of her reach. 

“How is it that you can conveniently skip over practically half your life, but I can’t even spend a few hours with friends without you demanding to know everything?”

“I was scared, okay?” She admitted. “You keep telling me not to come over on random days and I just… I thought-”

“That there’s someone else?” He asked directly and Happy winced, eyes trained on the floor as she nodded. 

Toby sighed heavily, turning around to grip the edge of the counter. “So you really don’t trust me, then.”

She walked over to stand beside him. “No, Toby-”

“You don’t trust me that I’d keep my promises.” He looked at her, his eyes betraying the deepest kind of hurt that cut deep into her soul. “When have I ever broken a promise I’ve made to you, Hap?”

He didn’t pull back when she reached over to cover his hand with hers, though she knew it was more out of sheer exhaustion than anything else. “I was scared that I was losing you, Doc.”

“So how do you think I’m feeling now that I know I’ve never actually had you?”

“Toby-” She tried to tell him that he only never had her on paper only, that everything else of her she’d given to him so long ago, but he cut her off.

“Not again, Hap. Not now.”

“Then when?” She was nearing desperation again, and he ran his knuckles over her cheek to reassure her.

“In time. We’re going to get there, believe that even if you don’t believe anything else.”

She nodded and stepped forward to hug him, and for a blissful second he reciprocated before pulling back. But he held her hands in his, rubbing circles into her palms, and she knew it couldn’t be all bad. She opened her mouth to ask, but he knew what she wanted without her having to say a word, of course he did.

“Yeah, you can stay tonight if you want.”

* * *

For the first time in a long time, the chill in the room the next morning wasn’t only the iciness between the two of them. Well, it mostly was, but when Happy reached for her phone to check the weather, it showed a lower than usual temperature as well. Shivering slightly, she reached down and grabbed Toby’s shirt that had been discarded on the floor the night before. His Harvard collegiates had always made her feel safe and loved, but today it felt like just any other shirt she might find along the street. The shirt hit her at mid-thigh, but the cold air still permeated through the cotton, so she padded over to his chest of drawers to grab a pair of his boxers as well.

_ This is ridiculous _ , she laughed sadly to herself. When it was cold out, she’d usually be  _ removing _ her clothes and snuggling into Toby. It was how the intimate part of their relationship had started after all.

_ After nearly freezing to death, only to come back to consciousness feeling Toby's body wrapped around her, she was grateful to be home and alive. Spooning on the roof in their small tent was just that- he didn't try anything. Happy was surprised but also not. He always spoke up about his feelings for her but when it came time to physically show his feelings, he waited until she made the first move. Which is exactly what she decided to do after taking the hottest shower imaginable at home and changing into new clothes.  _

_ She knew the route to his place from hers by heart and was soon standing in front of his door, nervous as she planned to properly start things with Toby. Knocking on the door, she felt her heart in her throat.  _

_ He answered with a smile on his face and was only in sweatpants. “Happy,” he said with a smile. “What are you doing here? Come in.”  _

_ Stepping into the apartment, he ran a hand through his wet curls and laughed. “Give a minute to put a shirt on and I'll be right back.”  _

_ That was her opportunity and she took it, reaching for his hand and stopping him. “Or don't,” she suggested with a glint in her eyes, her nerve coming back as she shed her jacket and touched his chest.  _

_ His eyes widened and her hands on him had his breathing labored. “Are you okay? Maybe I should have been more thorough checking for a concussion…”  _

_ Now it was her turn to laugh. Her fingers ran through his chest hair and she closed the gap between them. She reached up and her hand cupped the side of his face. Realization swept over him and he smiled as he leaned down to meet her lips with his.  _

_ This kiss was different from their other two, it was softer and full of so much passion. Toby's arms wrapped around her and one of his hands tangled itself in her hair as he deepened the kiss. When her fingers splayed across his neck, he heard a delicious moan travel from the back of her throat into his.  _

_ Their lips were connected for what felt like forever when she pulled back with a smirk. “We’ve already spooned all night, why not go all the way, Doc?”  _

_ “What?!” he stuttered.  _

_ “Sex, Toby. I want to have sex with you. If you're okay with that…”  _

_ He nodded furiously and she laughed again at how enthusiastic he was. When her hands went to his waistband, he stopped her.  _

_ “Hap, what will this mean?” His tone was low and she saw the caution now in his eyes.  _

_ “It means,” her hand moved down to palm him and he gulped, “that we'll finally find out if this is as good as we think it will be.”  _

_ “Wait,” he said stepping back and adjusting his sweatpants. “You've thought about us?”  _

_ “Of course I have. I know you have.” She stepped closer and he put his hand up to stop her. That was the last thing she expected from him. “Do you not want this?” To say she was in full panic mode was to say the white out they just lived through was a few snowflakes.  _

_ “I absolutely want this, you, us.” He added the last word slowly and then took a step towards her. “This is not at all what I imagined but I want it all, Happy, with you. I want to be your boyfriend.”  _

_ She chuckled and leaned up to kiss his jawline. “Then be my boyfriend.”   _

_ “Just like that?”  _

_ Happy nodded and told him it wasn't a hard concept. “I’m ready now.”  _

_ “So, you're not just saying that to get in my pants?” Smug, snarky Toby was coming out from the shock now and she shrugged.  _

_ “Oh, I very much am saying that to get in your pants,” she quipped as she gave him a squeeze that had him groaning yet pulling back to clarify more.  _

_ “But are you sure us is what you want? A real relationship with me?” His voice was soft and she heard the caution. “I don't think I'd be able to handle it if you saw us as a mistake.”  _

_ Happy tilted her head and her eyes softened. “I don't think we'd be a mistake.” She took his hands in hers before continuing. “You know me, Doc. I never do anything without thinking it through. And us, I want us.”  _

_ “Would we tell the team?” He asked, his thumbs rubbing back and forth over her knuckles.  _

_ She looks up from under her eyelashes and shook her head. “Not yet. Walt will flip and I don't want to share what we have with anyone else right now.”  _

_ That smirk she refused to admit turned her on in ways she was ready to show him crept its way back to his mouth. “So we'll be dating but not telling anyone?”  _

_ Nodding, Happy closed the gap between them and brought his hands around her waist. “Exactly. You ready to take this to the bedroom now, cowboy, or do you want our first time to be on your living room floor?”  _

_ His eyes widened and before she knew it he had her lifted over his shoulder. “Put me down, Doc,” she giggled while swatting at his back.  _

_ “Easy, Hap, I'll set you down in my bed momentarily.”  _

_ “How long have you been itching to say those words to me?” She asked with her hand winding back up to his neck.  _

_ “You mean without you slapping me?”  _

_ Happy laughed and said the night was still young. He grinned as he carefully set her down against the pillows. “Hi there,” he said softly.  _

_ “Hi there, yourself.” And with that, her legs caught him around the waist and she pulled him down on top of her to both of them laughing and kissing even more.  _

Biting her lip, she looked over to where Toby was still sleeping soundly. It never fully hit her how much Toby trusted her with all of him. That night they got together, she promised this wasn't a fling and she wouldn't change her mind. While they were never a fling and she certainly hadn't changed her mind, she had left out the very important detail about her having a husband somewhere. 

Oh, how she longed to just curl up in his arms until they had to drag themselves out of bed and to work, but she knew it wasn’t an option right now. The last time they had a sweet moment, the night of the gala, they’d stopped talking again for days, and she couldn’t bear a repeat of that. 

It was still a bit too cold to be comfortable, so she figured she might as well start on coffee and breakfast. Her gaze landed on Toby’s robe hung on the back of the door, the same green plaid one that she had grabbed the night of the earthquake, when Walter almost barged in on them. Happy couldn’t stop herself from reaching out and rubbing the flannel, closing her eyes as that night drifted back into memory.

_ “Really, Doc? You've really never been happier?”  _

_ “God as my witness, I'm not gonna do anything to ruin this.” _

Happy remembered the sinking feeling as she had reached up to kiss him, the massive secret she wasn’t able to bring herself to come clean about weighing heavily on her. Toby had seemed infinitely lighter after that night, while for her the burden in her heart only grew in the weeks that followed.

“You didn’t do anything to ruin it,” she whispered to the material clasped between her fingers, all her usual thoughts of how illogical it was to be talking to an inanimate piece of cloth practically non-existent. “This is all on me.”

Hesitating for another few moments, she finally grabbed the robe and shrugged it on before stepping out of the room. She leaned against the wall, pulling the robe tighter around her as she breathed in Toby’s scent still lingering on the cotton. Despite them having been physically intimate a lot as of late, it was always fast, and mostly hard, with very little time to truly take in and relish being with the other. Happy forced herself to head over to the kitchen, feeling the familiar sting of tears in the back of her eyes and knowing that crying in the corner, again, wasn’t going to solve anything. 

-

The coffee machine had already churned out her cup, and the eggs were cooking in the frying pan, when she heard a heavy sigh from behind her. Happy turned around to see Toby, a hint of desperation in his eyes.

“Thought you had run off again.” His eyes hardened, as if to match his voice, “Can’t blame me for not putting that past you.”

She didn’t know how to respond to that, except for telling him how sorely she regretted that she had done it a few days back, and promising she would never do that to him again.

Toby looked ready to start another fight, until he really looked at her and took in what she was wearing, especially the robe. “Huh,” he huffed before stepping into the kitchen to make his own coffee, steadfastly averting his eye from her. 

“What's wrong?” She asked softly, though she was pretty sure of the answer herself. 

He shook his head, still staring intently at the coffee machine. Seeing her not only in his robe, but also in the shirt he had been wearing the first time she had been in his robe, it was too much for him. Toby felt himself subconsciously grip the edge of the counter as if to steady himself, as all the memories of that amazing night, and the ones that followed, bubbled their way up to the forefront of his mind. 

She plated the eggs and walked over to give it to him, her free hand resting on his forearm. “Toby-”

“How do you do that?” He spun around to face her. There was a guarded edge to him, but at least he wasn’t lashing out. “How do you just ignore everything that is happening and pretend like things are back to normal again?”

She watched the vapor rising from the eggs, unable to face him. “I’m not ignoring everything that’s happening. But creating some sense of normalcy, that’s the only way I’m keeping sane. I want to go back to where we were, Doc.” 

“You mean go back to me putting everything I am into this relationship, only for you to be living a double life that you in no way felt I deserved to know about?”

There was no anger in the way he said it, only hurt and disappointment. Honestly, Happy would have preferred anger, fighting and screaming matches she could do, no problem. But hearing Toby so broken and wounded, it only killed her even more that she was the one who had single handedly brought the man she loves so down. 

“You said you’d never been happier in your life.” It was mumbled to the floor between them. She only looked up at him when he answered, the tears thick in his voice.

“Apparently I’ve also never been more blindsided either, huh? By practically everyone I’ve ever loved and trusted?”

He must have seen the way her face had completely crumbled, the guilt and regret breaking her heart. Running his knuckles down her cheek, he rested his hand on her shoulder, gently rubbing circles with his thumb.

“But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try my damnedest to get through this. I’m not leaving you, Hap. I’ve never been happier than when I was with you. I need to get back to that state of mind again, and I will, but it can’t happen overnight. Something this big, I can’t just flip a switch.”

She looked up at him with hesitant hope in her eyes, and he gave her a small, sad smile. “I’m sorry I keep oscillating between anger and distance, but I honestly still don’t know how to wrap my head around all of this.”

“No, I get it,” she nodded. “I’m not the best with EQ but I’m not a robot either. I get now how you must have felt the whole time I was being so hot and cold with you. You were walking on eggshells around me because you didn’t know when I could blow up, and now that I’m going through the same thing, I know how much it sucks. I’m so sorry.”

At that, he dropped his hand from her shoulder. “I realize that, but this is not the same thing, Hap. I’m like this because I don’t know how to deal with having been lied to for years by everyone around me. You were acting like that because the only person you cared about was you, with no regard for anyone else’s feelings.”

There was still no anger behind it, if anything he sounded even more broken than ever, but for some reason it flared something in Happy. “What more do you want me to say, Doc?”

“Nothing, just give me time. It’s the least you could do, please.”

“Oh, so now you  _ don’t _ want me to say anything? That’s funny, because you spent the last few months whining about how you want me to express myself more.” She glared at him, and he physically stepped back at how the atmosphere in the room switched back to hostile so fast.

Her words were like a blow to his stomach. There was truth behind what she had said, how he was basically doing to her now what he had been so afraid of her doing to him earlier. It was painfully obvious how much his lashing out at her was hurting her, and even though she was the one in the wrong, this had to hurt. When he looked back up at her, she was still staring at him with wounded anger burning in her eyes. 

Toby sighed and reached out to tuck her hair behind her ear, trying not to feel too hurt when she stepped out of his touch. “Go take a shower, Hap, you clearly need the hot water more than me,” he tried to placate her, but she wasn’t having it. 

“There isn’t remotely enough hot water in the entire world to thaw how icy this is.” She scoffed, walking past him to go to the bathroom anyway, but he grabbed her arm to stop her. 

“How is that fair, Happy? Please, I hate this as much as you do.”

She twisted her arm out of his grip, saying now he’s getting to know how she felt. “It’s not good, is it? At first, yes. But over time I saw that I was hurting you and couldn’t anymore. When will you see you’re hurting me? I can’t back the hurt I brought you but I’m trying now. That must mean something.”

“It  _ does _ ,” Toby pleaded with her, not wanting to start yet another day with a fight. “But that doesn’t make things alright again. I know you’re trying to back the hurt and I appreciate that, but the wounds have already been made and it’s going to take time to heal them.” 

She just stared at him with an unreadable expression, pulling the robe tighter against her before walking into the bathroom and slamming the door behind her. 

* * *

_ He walked out with a towel around his waist and saw her propped up on the pillows with her hair wet from the shower she took before he took his. She was in leggings and his favorite Harvard tee and the expression on her face was serious. _

_ “We have a case?” He figured that was it. They'd long gotten used to not having any true days off and this was no exception.  _

_ “Nope,” she told him as she plastered a painfully obvious fake smile on her face.  _

_ “Then what happened?”  _

_ “Why?”   _

_ He let out such an exasperated sigh and grabbed a pair of boxers as he let his towel fall to the floor. “Seriously, Hap, we're back to the secrecy and lies?”  _

_ Her face contorted but she must have bit back her retort as she told him. “Cabe texted me bad news.”  _

_ “Everyone okay?” He looked over his shoulder as he pulled a shirt over his head.  _

_ “Everyone's fine,” she said in a clipped tone.  _

_ “Then what? They find your husband?” How he changed in such a 180 turn still threw her.  _

_ “No, they lost him. Again.” She was so sour compared to how utterly playful she had been earlier.  _

_ “Guess you'll have to wait a little longer to see hubby dearest then.” Even he couldn't explain where this animosity was coming from as he had been trying to keep it at bay the last few weeks.  _

_ “Dammit, Toby,” she spat. “You know that's not true.”  _

_ “Do I?” he countered.  _

_ “You damn well do. Why the fuck do you have to make everything into a fight?”  _

_ “Me? I’m not the one who’s been lying, sweetheart.”  _

_ Happy growled and said it was one lie. “And I’ve been faithful to you, not him.”  _

_ “How can you not see that that statement is fucked up beyond belief? Being faithful to a man not your husband is not a good thing.”  _

_ “It’s complicated and you know that,” she gritted through her teeth. “Can you really say I don't love you?”  _

_ He shakes his head but says that's not always enough. “The entire time I knew you, you were married. And like it or not, that changes us.”  _

_ “Then what, Toby, what are we to do?”  _

_ With a deep breath, he closed his eyes and leaned against the dresser. “We figure it out, somehow.”  _

_ “Okay,” she said softly as she sat forward. “You hungry? I need some coffee before I leave.”  _

_ “Don’t leave, Hap. Let me make us breakfast.” He walked over to her and extended his hand for her to take. “Please?”  _

_ Happy nodded as she took it, smiling small at how his thumb instinctively ran over her knuckles as she stood.  _

Thinking back to that morning he felt a flood of emotion over his situation with Happy. The night before was beautiful, they made love twice and stayed wrapped up in each other to kiss and bask in their afterglow before she pulled back to clean up. When she came back to bed, he had been on his side of the bed and their iciness was back. Sighing, she slipped under the covers and they both restlessly fell asleep. 

“Toby…” 

After hearing his name start to be sung, he looked over to see Paige smiling widely and singing with her own glass of wine sloshing about in her glass. 

“What?” He was brought back to how amusing the sight of Paige Dineen drunk in his living room was and smiled. 

“Your eyes were glazed over looking at the wall for like ten minutes, Toby.” 

“Was I?” He took a sip of his wine and shrugged. 

“You were, it was like you were in a trance. Thinking about Happy?” 

“Yep,” he said. “She was here last night.” 

“I know that, silly,” Paige told him with a laugh. “She was leaving when I got here.” 

“That’s right, duh.” The spark that had been customary for Toby wasn’t there. He was now staring at the wine bottles on the coffee table and her shoulders slumped. 

“Are you sure Happy will be okay with us drinking her wine?” 

“It's my wine, Paige,” he said finishing what was in his glass before reaching for the bottle. “It’s Happy’s favorite though. I bought a case of it the week before I proposed. We only shared one bottle of it since then.” 

“Aww, that’s so sad.” Paige’s entire face showed how she felt before it hardened. “But that’s Happy’s doing. She’s the one who didn’t tell you she was married.” 

His eyes brightened at the solidarity and he raised his glass to her. “You state the obvious, Miss Dineen. A fact my beloved refused to see until it was too late.” 

“How is she still your beloved? How are you two still fucking so much?” 

“Excuse me?” Toby had never heard such language from Paige. “How smashed are you?” 

“I’m not  _ smashed _ …” she sputtered, swaying as she reached to open a new bottle of wine. Toby went to do it for her and she swatted him away. “I can open my own bottle, thank you very much. I’ve been taking care of myself and my child for over a decade now.” 

“I never meant to insinuate anything less,” he told her, which mollified the aggression he saw bubbling up. With the new bottle offered to him after she refilled her own glass, she motioned to him and he held his up. It just about made it into the glass and she cheered that victory. 

“You don’t cry over spilled milk,” she said with her finger wagging in his face, “but wine is a totally different story.” 

His amusement was speckled with concern as he watched her, leaning back against the couch to observe her more. But she spoke again. 

“How are you and Happy still having so much sex when there are days at the garage it feels like you two want to kill each other?” She was determined for an answer and glared at Toby, her ‘mom look’ still in action with all the alcohol she’d imbibed with him. 

Toby sighed, “You won’t drop this, will you?” 

“Nope.” She shook her head and the last syllable popped off her lips as she took another sip, waiting. 

“Fine, I’ll tell you. But first I need some carbs.” He took a cheese cube and cracker he set out when she stopped by earlier that day and chewed slowly, uneasy with how she didn’t move her eyes from him. “It’s because no matter what happens, Happy and I are connected. We were colleagues first and then best friends, then we were everything. Or so I thought.” 

The dejection was in his features deeply as his cold facade was down in the confines of his apartment with only Paige for company. 

“Everything isn’t always perfect, and it’s admirable how you’re both not giving up.” 

Toby huffed a laugh. “I told Walter just that after I overslept what would have been my first date with Happy. I didn’t give up then and I won’t give up now. I stepped back when I thought she was with that comedy guy with the awful mustache-” 

“Comedy guy?” This was news to Paige, the boys hadn’t discussed it again after that night they crashed the club, and she asked for more details. 

“After the case with your runaway train. I was nursing my boxing injuries plus a broken heart. Cabe was on me to let Happy go but I couldn’t. I told him that I had to see if this was the guy who made her happy. Then, then I could walk away knowing I’d done everything I could.” 

Her eyes widened and she murmured a ‘go on, don’t leave it there.’ 

“Anyway, I followed her with Cabe, Walter, and Sylvester in tow. The ‘club’ she was sneaking off to was a comedy club. Turns out she had been taking stand-up lessons from Chet, not dating him. It was such a relief to find out she wasn’t out bumping and grinding with someone but still, I took a step back and decided to wait until she was ready. I know Happy’s the only person I want to be with, I was good waiting…” 

“That is so super sweet, Toby!” Her glass was near empty and she pulled him into a hug, finishing her wine over his shoulder which made him chuckle. 

She held him in the hug longer than he was used to, even with Sylvester, and Toby patted her back to let her know to pull back. “Okay, I think it’s time I cut you off.” 

“Why?” The suspicion in her eyes exasperated him and she pouted. 

“Paige-” 

He didn’t get to say another word when her phone rang and she squealed. “That’s Ralph, be quiet.” 

“What for? The kid is FaceTiming you and will know you’re in my apartment. Just answer the call.” 

She put the glass down and smoothed her hair before pressing accept. “Hi, sweetheart,” she said in what could be called her  _ normal _ tone of voice. 

“Hi, mom.” Ralph’s head tilted slightly and Toby caught it. Paige did not. “How are you? Hi, Toby.” 

“Hey, kiddo,” Toby cut in. “How’s the east coast treating you? Drew behaving himself?” 

Paige shot him a look but Ralph just answered him. “Dad is trying his best. He took me to the batting cage today and I helped him even more. He’s improved, mom.” 

“Maybe in baseball, not parenting,” Toby muttered. 

She stepped on his foot and he yelped. 

Ralph asked what was going on. “Why did you kick Toby, mom?” 

“What, sweetie? Why would you ask that?” 

“Because I may only see your faces but I can tell when Toby’s in pain, and right now he was in physical pain and I could tell by your body language that you didn’t like his comment about dad.” 

“Hey,” Toby started in his own defense. 

“Don’t,” Paige told him. “Drew is trying and Ralph enjoys the time he spends with her.” 

“That is true,” Ralph stated. “He has a new apartment, but you already knew that. And he’s got nice friends. Nothing like Scorpion but not as dumb as Toby would think they are.” 

Toby pretended to be wounded but in his buzzed state he wasn’t able to pull it off without smirking. “You know me well, buddy. I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.” 

“Me too,” Ralph said with his small smile. 

Drew was heard calling to him and he called back that he’d be right there. “Dad is taking me out to dinner. I’ll talk with you in the morning, mom.” 

“Okay, honey, have a good time.” 

“You too, and make sure you drink lots of water to flush the alcohol out of your system.” 

Paige gulped and Toby roared with laughter. “Ralph,” Paige said sternly. 

“It’s okay,” he told her. “You’re letting loose, that’s good. And you’re in a safe place with family. Toby will make sure you’re okay with his many hangover cures. Right, Toby?” 

“I don’t like that implication but it’s also true. I’ll make sure your mom’s taken care of.” 

“Good, I’ll call you tomorrow afternoon.” 

They waved goodbye and Ralph ended the call. 

“Come on, let’s get you settled for bed.” Toby’s arm went around her shoulders and he stood with her struggling against him. 

“Where are you taking me?” 

“To my room, you take the bed and I’ll crash on the couch.” 

“No way in hell,” Paige said as she stumbled back onto the couch and Toby crossed his arms to look at her as he stayed standing. “You and Happy fucked on those sheets this morning, I’m not touching those sheets let alone sleeping on them.” 

He exhaled and shook his head. “I was going to quickly change the sheets for you. Geez, give me some credit.” 

“I’m fine here, just bring me a pillow and blanket.” 

Now Toby’s spark was coming back and he bit his lip. “You sure you trust my pillows and blankets?” 

“Yes,” she said exasperatedly. 

It took him about half an hour to get her settled and comfortable, and hydrated per Ralph and his Harvard medical training, before she was asleep and he trudged back to bed. He near collapsed onto the bed in the clothes he was wearing. 

-

In the morning, Paige woke up to find Toby sitting at the table in the corner, fully dressed for the day with damp hair and a cup of coffee in his hand. “Morning, boozy,” he smirked. “How’s your head?” 

“Not bad, the bottle of water I drank before bed helped.” She groaned, sitting up slowly and Toby pointed to the two ibuprofen and glass of water on the table. 

“Take that and I’ll get your coffee. Cream and sugar, right?” 

“Yes, please.” Paige was back to her sober self and sitting up to finish the water. 

When Toby came back, he set her coffee down with a plate of buttered toast. “Eat that and if you feel fine I’ll make you eggs and bacon.” 

“Thank you,” she said, taking a bite of toast and closing her eyes. “The last time I got that drunk was before Ralph was born.” 

“Well, you’re handling yourself beautifully. You didn’t puke and probably won’t.” 

“Small miracles.” Drinking a sip of her coffee, she sighed happily. “I still can’t believe you thought I’d sleep in your bed.” 

“You do know that Happy and I don’t restrict sex to the bedroom, right?” 

Paige’s face fell and her entire body froze with the coffee cup between her hands. “I already regret this,” she said slowly, “But where else in here?” 

He bit his lip and looked into the kitchen, earning a horrified gasp from her. He chuckled. “Also the shower, against several of the walls, my desk in the spare room…” 

If her eyes got any wider, they’d pop out of their sockets. 

“But we’ve never done anything on the sleeper bed. The couch though, yes.” 

She groaned and then let out a very undignified whine. “Toby, I slept on that couch.” 

“Yes, you did. And you’re the first person to use the sleeper bed so you’re safe there. Don’t be such a prude.” 

Paige set down the mug and looked at him sideways. “I’m not a prude, Toby, just not a kinky sex freak like ‘Quintis’ is.” Her comment, plus her use of air quotes, had him choking. 

“Now who’s being too forward.” 

“Oh, please,” she said flippantly, “you’re the one who announced you two let your freak flag fly.”    
His face scrunched up and he said this wasn’t what he wanted to talk about. “You’re a mom, this is getting weird now. Plus Happy would kill me if I said anything more.” 

“You didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know.” She took another bite of toast and then shifted so she faced Toby. “You know, you never answered my question last night. How do you separate how angry you are while still being intimate with Happy? I don’t think I could do that.” 

Paige crossed her legs, watching Toby’s eyes go from pensive to cold to sad. “Because being without her is more painful that being with her despite all the baggage we have now.” 

“How?” Paige pressed. 

“We’re both good at compartmentalizing. And we love each other, no matter what shit’s happened.” 

Paige cocked her head to the side. “You do realize that’s not healthy, right?”

“Yeah,” Toby looked down, tracing the handle of his mug. “But staying completely apart is even worse. This is the lesser of two evils, you know?”

She hummed, nodding, as she told him she understood but to also be careful. “Don’t get things so twisted now that you can’t untangle them later. Especially with the way you guys are…”

Toby offered her a small smile and said that she might be normal, but he’s also qualified enough to be a judge of human emotion and behavior. “I’ve never stopped wanting her and loving her. I’m not going to let this get so messy that we can’t get out.”

Just then Paige’s phone dinged with a text from Ralph, detailing what Drew had planned for the day. “That’s my cue to leave soon,” She patted Toby’s shoulder as she stood up to go wash her dishes.

“So yeah, just take care of yourselves. We’ll all work this out together, the entire team.” Paige added as she grabbed her bag to head out a while later, to which Toby could only offer a tight smile and thanks. 

* * *

* * *

_ But no matter how mad I’ve been, I never for one second stopped wanting you here with me. _

_ \- Colleen Hoover, Hopeless  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time =D


	8. Chapter 8

_Because I don’t sleep at all without you pressed up against me._

_\- All Time Low, “If These Sheets Were The States”_

* * *

* * *

Toby woke up in the middle of the night, a few days after his talk with Paige and yet another fight with Happy, to the sound of thunder and heavy rain hitting the window. Usually he wouldn’t give it a second thought, he rather liked sleeping through thunderstorms, but he’d soon discovered that Happy had a very opposite reaction. Her childhood trauma from the Santa Anas spilled over to thunderstorms as well, something he learned early on in their relationship, as the freak weather from Christmas week continued to pop up throughout January. A flash of lightning illuminated the room despite the drawn curtains, enough to outline her silhouette on the other side of the bed, sitting up against the headboard with her head buried in her drawn up knees. He stared at her silently for a few moments, but when she sniffled ever so slightly, that’s when all his resolve to keep her at arm’s length broke. No matter what else was happening between them, he could never hold her fears against her.

He moved to sit up himself, shifting closer to her and brushing aside the hair falling over her face. “Hap?”

She snapped her head up to look at him, and even in the darkness of the room he could make out the tear tracks running down her cheeks. She looked as if she was about to say something when a loud clap of thunder erupted outside and she jumped.

“Hey,” Toby moved closer to her side, cupping her face and thumbing away her tears. “I told you that you could always wake me up the next time this happens, alright? You’re not going through this alone ever again.”

She didn’t pull away from his touch, but she didn't move into him as she used to, instead staring at him with wide eyes until the fear and hesitation became too much for him to take.

“C’mere, love,” he gently nudged her out of her fetal position and into his arms. Another flash of lightning lit up the room and she naturally nuzzled closer into him as he ran his fingers through her hair. “I’m here, sweetheart, it’s not going to hurt you.”

He felt a fresh tears soak through his shirt when he called her by loving nicknames for the first time in six weeks, almost tearing himself at how easily they had slipped back into a normal pattern. He didn’t say anything- _what could be said in this moment anyway?_ \- so he pulled her even closer, comforting her with endearing whispers until she starting slipping back to sleep in his arms.

As he felt her breath steady again, his gaze drifted over her shoulder to land on the book cupboard in his bedroom. It was of the ubiquitous design, the doors on the top half fitted with a pane of glass each to see the contents inside, while the doors on the bottom half were made solely of wood, fully opaque. The top shelves were filled with the things he was proudest of- his degrees carefully framed, medical school textbooks and journals, and photos of the team, snapped whenever Paige managed to wrangle all of them into one place for long enough.

But tonight his eyes locked in on the bottom right door, staring so hard as if he could see through the light brown of the maple. Normally the bottom shelves were where he stashed random things in a hurry when someone was coming over, and even with his eidetic memory he couldn't remember everything inside. But he could definitely remember the last thing he had placed behind the bottom right door.

_When he finally stepped out of the shower, Cabe could be heard rummaging around in the kitchen trying to concoct his hangover cure. Toby was still numb, acting on autopilot, when he instinctively reached into his bag to grab his phone before vaguely remembering Walter saying something about it being cracked and promising to fix it for him. He tried to retract his hand, but not before his fingers brushed against soft velvet._

Short term post-traumatic amnesia- a period of attentional and memory compromise immediately following traumatic brain injury which may or may not include impaired orientation... _he would have rattled off, had the victim been anyone but himself, but this time it didn't click. He grabbed the velvet item out of his bag, and only when he opened it to reveal the ring still sitting there, innocently glinting up at him, did the full memory of last night come rushing back._

 _He sat back heavily on the bed, realizing too late that it was Ha-_ her _side, the motoring magazine she would read while waiting for him to finish getting ready in the mornings still lying on her pillow from two days ago. He felt his breath quicken, a now all-too-familiar sting return to the back of his eyes, but Cabe’s strong voice calling his name broke through the haze starting to envelop him just in time. He mumbled a response, looking longingly at the ring one last time before closing the box and gently placing it in the most obscure section of the cupboard, and then stumbling back out into the world._

Toby snapped out of his memories to see Happy still sleeping, curled so tightly into him as if being against him were the only thing keeping her alive. Her breathing was fully evened out now, though her cheeks remained damp from her earlier tears. Unable to hold himself back any longer, he leaned down to softly press his lips against her hairline, an action he had almost started taking for granted since New Year’s now ripping out what little stitches were over his gaping wounds. He felt tears come to his own eyes as he kissed her forehead again, voice raspy as he finally let out the pain, so impossible to say when she was awake. “You broke my heart, Hap. I’m doing my best to forgive you, and I will, but oh god, love, why did you have to hurt me so bad?”

-

Happy exhaled shakily as Toby pulled her against him, hesitantly allowing herself to curl up against him, still half expecting him to hold her back before she could get too close. He didn’t though, for the first time since _that night_ he held her like he had used to, one hand cupping the back of her neck and the other running up and down her side. The whispers he let slip out, the first time he had called her by anything other than her name in weeks, broke her even further. She pretended those tears were caused by her fear of the weather, but she knew she wasn’t fooling anyone.

She drifted back to sleep- there was no better cure for her occasional insomnia than being in Toby’s arms- but it was much lighter than usual, his voice and the sound of the storm mixing in her exhausted but still fairly awake mind. He tensed ever so slightly under her, his breath hitched for a moment before she felt him kiss her forehead once, a second time. Then his lips moved against her skin, murmuring soft words than broke her heart all over again.

-

When Happy woke up the next morning the bed was cold and empty. Again. She sighed internally before registering that she was lying on Toby’s side for the first time in far too long. What happened the previous night floated into her drowsy mind like a dream sequence, and it was only when she looked out the window to see the ground still soggy from the downpour that she started to believe it had really happened.

Light was trickling in through the the bottom crack of the door, and she opened it just enough to see Toby sitting at the kitchen table, typing on his laptop and with his journals open and scattered around him. For a moment Happy allowed herself to relish in the familiar scene that had become part of her definition of home, the peaceful mornings they had together before having to go to work and save the world all over again. Trying her best not to break the moment, she padded over and greeted him, sitting down in the chair next to him.

The illusion of perfection cracked when he replied with a guarded, tight-lipped “Hi” before he closed the lid of his laptop and walked over to the coffee machine, wordlessly making her a cup. That stung- he never used to be touchy about his devices before, even programming her thumbprint into his phone ( _“In case I get murdered, you can know what I was doing last and solve the case!”_ ) and he would always steal a kiss when passing her into the kitchen.

Happy slid off her chair and followed him, smiling her thanks when he handed her the mug and asking what he wanted for breakfast. His eyes hardened, glossed over, like they had started to become every time she tried to initiate anything domestic.

“No need, I'm heading in now so I'll pick something up on the way.”

“Give me fifteen minutes,” she hastened to finish off her coffee.

His eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly. “You drove here last night, so it’s not like you need a ride.”

Happy froze at the coldness in his voice, and Toby took the opportunity to head back to the table and stuff his things into his bag. “I’ll tell Walter you overslept a bit,” he called out as he walked out, the slam of the main door drowning out her attempt to respond.

-

It was only when he got into his car that Toby allowed himself emotions, resting his forehead against the steering wheel as he tried to collect his thoughts. His car didn’t provide much of a cover, he knew, between it being a convertible and the windows of his apartment directly overlooking the car park. He dared a glance up, but the curtains were thankfully still drawn. _She always hated those curtains_ , he smiled sadly to himself. Happy had started jokingly threatening him that if he didn’t change them soon she’d stop coming over, and he had had to bite his tongue to stop himself from giving away the proposal, from telling her how he would give her full control over the decor once they bought a new house-

He straightened and started the engine, forcing the memories out of his mind. Holding her the previous night had brought back too many of them as it were, it had gotten so strong that once he was sure she was sound asleep, he had gotten out of bed and started drowning himself in work, unable to continue being so close to her. _Going down the rabbit hole,_ he would have commented if it were Walter acting like this, but he ignored all of his own advice and warnings.

Toby longed to go back to where they were, to hold her against him every night and not just because she was terrified of the weather, but he forced himself to keep her at arm’s length. There were just too many issues that needed to be fixed, too much trust that needed to be rebuilt. The line between physical intimacy and emotional connection was fine enough as it was, and if he tried to add cuddling to the mix, he knew that the line would snap before he was ready, leaving them both with foundations not remotely strong enough to support a lasting relationship. _Better to be distant now than to have it all break down again a bit further down the road._

-

Happy ran her fingers through her hair, the now near constant feeling of exasperation and helplessness coursing through her again as Toby continued to remain just out of reach. Rationally she knew she needed to give him the time and space he asked for, so that once they were good again they were really good, but emotionally she _just wanted him back_.

She sat back heavily on the couch, rubbing the throw blanket that they had found themselves entangled in innumerable times before. It slowly came to her realization that this was the first time she had been alone in his apartment _since_ and suddenly a rash need to find a ring overwhelmed her. She had barely seen it even during the proposal, tears of how she was going to shatter his world in seconds blurring her vision to the point that it was almost a miracle how she managed to push past him and run out of there. But just as she stood up to try and search for the velvet box, she sat back down, knowing that she would see it again when- _if_ \- he wanted her to see it again. Her right hand gripped her bare left ring finger when she figured it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch that the ring might not even be here in the first place.

 _After all,_ she knew, _nobody could hold it against him if he'd already gotten rid of it._

* * *

_“Hey, do you want to come over tonight?” She’d stopped by his desk on her way to her workspace at the back. Those precious few seconds two nights ago, when he had held her through the thunderstorm like nothing had happened between them, had vanished the moment they’d woken up in the morning. Instead, they’d been replaced with the iciness that has become a signature between them now, and she was desperate to thaw it._

_But Toby didn’t respond, staring at his two books open in front of him, though she could tell that it wasn’t because he was actively ignoring her, he was just lost in his head again._

_“Toby?” She tried again, this time squeezing his shoulder gently._

_He looked up at her touch, though it took a beat too long for his eyes to focus on her and for the recognition to light them up. “Oh, Hap, I…” He ran a hand through his hair, looking around the garage with wide eyes. “Do we have a case or-”_

_She shook her head and told him how she’d just asked if he wanted to come over later. “I asked Paige, she said she and Sly aren’t going over tonight, so I thought if you’d like to…” She trailed off, leaving it open-ended for him to decide._

_Toby slumped back in chair, grateful that the ‘fancy chairs’ he had been teasing Paige about had tilt tensioners. “I… I don’t know, Hap.” His heart cracked a little more at the way her face dropped, and he reached forward to brush his fingers over the back of her hand. “I just… I was thinking I might need some time alone, you know?”_

_“It’s not you.” He said as he sat up straight again, but his shoulders dropped in admission at her pained, but now also confused, gaze. “It’s not…_ only _you, okay?”_

_“What’s wrong?” Happy dropped the box of bolts she’d been holding onto his desk to take his hand in both of hers, but he just shook his head. “Toby, please tell me?”_

_He smiled at her gratefully, apologetically. “I wish I knew how to tell_ myself _, Hap.” He couldn’t tell her about the nightmares, about all the flashbacks he was having about that damn warehouse, and that stupid fake electroshock torture setup, and that jar of acid hinged above his head, and-_

 _The shock and repercussions of Happy’s admission just a few hours after had masked all of that for the first couple of weeks, but now it was like they were back in full force and not letting him go. He couldn’t tell her that_ that _was the reason he wasn’t the biggest fan of staying over now- that it wasn’t because he was mad at her._

_It was because of how he’d be waking up most nights now screaming and drenched in sweat despite the airconditioning being set to its coldest possible setting. It was because of how he’d given up flossing now despite all his talk that day just outside of Area 51, because potential cavities were nothing compared to-_

_It was because he didn’t want any of that to be in front of her._

_He knew he had to tell her, she should know, deserved to know how his own mind was killing him from the inside, but right now she had so much on her plate already by her own mistakes, she didn’t need this piled on top of everything. Besides, he was a world-class psychiatrist, and PTSD was a fundamental topic in his coursework, so it’s not like it would be a problem. Or rather, it_ shouldn’t _be a problem._

Then why was it a problem?

_“Toby?” Her voice brought him out of his thoughts, and he forced himself to offer her a smile he prayed she wouldn’t be able to see through._

_“I’m so sorry, Hap, but not tonight, okay? I love you so much, but I just need some time by myself to figure… stuff out.”_

_Some time_ , Happy scoffed to herself, staring at his empty desk again for the second day in a row. When he’d told her that three days ago, she’d just assumed he meant they wouldn’t be spending any time together outside of work for a while. _Not that he’d fucking vanish on all of us without a trace,_ she gripped at her hair in frustration.

Walter had removed the GPS block on their devices after Toby had been kidnapped, not that it would have helped. His laptop and work tablet were sitting on his desk, innocently staring back at her, and the last ping from his phone had been at his apartment two nights ago before it had been turned off.

The previous morning had been a panic of _“Oh god, not again”_ until he called the garage from a burner cell and told them that he was fine, but he was going to be cashing in his vacation days for a while, ending the call before Sylvester could begin to attempt a trace.

Glancing around the garage, she watched as everyone else quietly worked at their respective areas, trying to retain some sense of normalcy. There was no sign of Cabe having a new case for them just yet, so she grabbed her keys and helmet and yelled that she had to go do something.

And by something, she meant meeting the only other person she could possibly imagine who might know where Toby was.

-

The last time she was in this hospital was the gala for the dedication of the Megan Dodd Pediatric Wing. It had been an event that Happy hoped would be a turning point for her and Toby. Only it became their new low point when she left him sleeping in the middle of the night. Being with Toby, after talking about how she was his and only his, had been beautiful. It was a time she truly felt the difference between having sex and making love.

That night was making love, and their progress was ruined by her leaving him as if he were nothing more than a one night stand.

Toby was more than a one night stand, he always had been. He was her best friend and if she had taken care of her marriage years ago, Toby would have been her soon-to-be husband. Now, it was debatable if they were still best friends.

Walking through the lobby of the hospital, she asked the man at the welcome desk for Dr. Kurtzman’s location.

Quickly checking his computer, he found it. “Fourth floor, miss, 429C.”

She thanked him, swallowing as she made her way to the elevator. Her hands shook and she pressed the call button. Stepping in, she had no idea what she was going to do or say to this man Toby trusted over her these days.

A million contradictory thoughts ran through her mind. Before Happy was able to settle on the worst case scenario, she walked into someone she was so distracted.

“Happy?” The voice didn’t register until she looked up and saw Rory smiling down at her. “What are you doing here? Are you okay?”

Flustered and in now way prepared, she stuttered. “I’m, I’m fine… Do you know where Toby is?”

He laughed and motioned for her to follow him into his office. “You sure don’t pull any punches.” He chuckled because Toby clearly told him Happy punched her way out of many situations. “I like that.”

She looked at him with a scowl firmly on her lips. “Do you know where Toby is, yes or no?”

“Do you?” Rory sounded exactly like Toby, smug and pompous that he had something to laud over someone.

Happy sighed and wrung her hands. “If I did I wouldn’t be here asking you,” she shot back.

Again, Rory laughed. “I think no.”

“Well?” Her impatience showed and she leaned forward across his desk. “Have you seen Toby or not?”

“I have, and he needs his space.” He tilted his head and cocked his left eyebrow.

“I know he told you about us.” Happy bit her lip. “About me.”

“Did he tell you that?"  

Happy groaned. “If you keep talking in questions I’m better off leaving. This is a waste of time.”

He reached out to her and asked her to wait. “Toby has talked with me. It’s been really great catching up with him after all this time.”

“How long has it been?”

“Three years, we met up at a conference in Chicago then. But now seeing him regularly feels like when we were in med school.”

They talked about how he met Toby - a pre-teen in a new city with a mouth bigger than he was - and how Rory was reminded of the little brother he had at home. It made Happy nostalgic for memories she never revealed for they were shared with a husband she didn’t know how to explain.

“Happy, you know that Toby loves you.” Rory’s voice had a kindness and sense of knowing. “But you hurt him, and he can’t ignore that.”

“Can he forgive me though?”

Rory told her that he would. “Toby comes across as a goofball. ‘A narcissist with a sprinkling of addiction tendencies’ is how he used to describe himself.

She smiled. “He still does.”

“Happy, you’re the love of his life. That’s nothing new to you.” She shook her head and he continued. “He has to heal. Process.”

“Why can’t he do that with me? I’m no longer pulling away.”

Rory spoke gently to her and she looked ready to cry. “That’s what he thought, too.”

“Where is he, Rory?”

“In a place where he can think. For as much as he’s the life of the party, he needs solitude in times like this.”

She was surprised, even though deep down she was aware of this side to Toby. “Is he going to be okay?”

He told her eventually. “From what I know about him, yeah. He’s never been this heartbroken before.” Her eyes widened and he smiled sadly. “Not with his parents passing or his engagement to Amy shattering. You’re in a class all of your own, Happy.”

If she could feel any worse, this was when she would have.

“That’s not a bad thing, you know. He loves you more than the world.”

It was a statement she had to process before she formulated her response. But she wasn’t able to voice it because Rory got paged.

He stood up and said he had to leave. Grabbing his phone and handing her a business card, he spoke. “Try not to worry, he’ll reach out soon. And please, don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I liked talking with you.”

She barely quirked her lips up from the tight line they formed and she got up. Happy extended her hand to him and he shook it before disappearing down the hall with a quick nod.

Retracing her steps back to the elevator, Happy felt a sinking cold settle in her chest. Never before had she experienced such panic over Toby disappearing. He'd go on gambling benders in the early years with Scorpion but would always hobble back into the garage hungover and banged up. Just thinking about him hurt somewhere turned her stomach to the point she wanted to get sick.

 _He promised you that he wouldn't gamble anymore. Believe him._ Mentally chiding herself on the walk through the hospital and back to the parking garage she thought back to that first night they left Whitehull, after Megan passed away with her friends and family surrounding her. At the garage afterwards, when Walter told stories about him and his beloved sister, Toby was next to her. She sat on her stool while Toby hopped onto the bench behind to listen. They didn't touch but simply feeling his presence and the shared looks over the course of the night proved intimate in a way she was unfamiliar with.

Now with how fractured they were, she hoped they would indeed be able to get back to that. But for them to do that, he needed to come home and they needed to discuss the past she so desperately wanted to hide.

-

Happy had barely made it back home later that night when her phone rang with Toby’s ringtone. She sighed heavily in relief, staring at his contact picture- a goofy selfie he’d taken and set for himself as few weeks after they’d gotten together, something she had rolled her eyes at but had never had the heart to delete- for a second too long before answering the call.

“Toby,” she breathed. “Thank god, I was so-”

“What the hell did you do that for?” He cut her off with a harsh whisper that had her grateful she was near enough to the couch to collapse onto it. 

“What?”

There was an audible sigh of exasperation from the other end of the line. “You hunted Rory down to find out where I was? Back to the hypocrisy of needing to have a detailed report of every second of my life, are we?”

“You were missing for three days!” She exclaimed. “None of the team knew where you were, for all we know you were-”

“On a gambling bender? Or dead in a ditch somewhere because of it?” The way he finished her sentence for her made her blood run cold.

Her voice was barely above a whisper as she struggled to push the two words past her lips. “Were you?”

“And now it’s back to not trusting me to keep my promises to you. Wow, we’re really making progress aren’t we?”

“Maybe it would be easier to make some progress if you were actually here to work things out.” She let out through gritted teeth, the frustration crawling it’s way back in now that the panic of if he was okay was letting up.

“I _have_ been there, for the past six weeks. And what good has come out of that?”

Happy bit hard on her lip before answering. “So this is it, then? You’re just going to disappear on me because we’re not going to work out?”

There was silence from Toby’s side for so long that Happy wasn’t even sure if he was still there. “You think we’re not going to work out?” He spoke eventually, his voice noticeably smaller and broken. “Hap-”

“No. As in, no I don’t think that. I want us to work out, Toby, I… I need us to work out.” She dropped her tone to match his, him saying the words out loud an ice grip around her heart.

She heard him exhale shakily. “I need us to work out too, sweetheart. I need us so bad.”

“Then come home, Toby. Please.”

“I can’t, Hap, not right now. I need some space to steady myself, I’m so sorry-”

“Why are you being so selfish?” Happy couldn’t help the bit creeping back into her voice. “What about how I feel?”

And just like that they were back to fighting again, like the softness from before had never been there. “ _I’m_ the one being selfish? Are you even listening to yourself? _Again_ , it’s all about you and how you feel. How about what I feel, huh? How about that?”

“You don’t get to make executive decisions about when you can just run off without telling me.”

“And _you_ don’t get to make executive decisions about us dating while you’re fucking _married_ to someone else the whole time, without telling me.”

“Toby.” She all but growled his name.

“What?” he snapped in return, but didn’t give her a chance to retort. “No, you know what? That’s it, this conversation is over. I came out here to clear my head and this is the exact opposite of that. You know I’m still alive, and I’ll be back in a few days. But that’s all I can tell you now.”

Happy was stunned at how final he made it. “Seriously?”

“Yes.” He was just as firm though his stance softened as he offered her an ‘I love you, Hap’ before ending the call.

The silence in her ear was near shrill it was so abrupt, and she was still trying to process everything that had been said in that span of a few short minutes as she whispered back an ‘I love you too’ that she knew he wouldn’t hear.

* * *

* * *

_It’s not weak to stand by the person you love when they’re trying to fix a big mistake, and it’s not weak to decide to put yourself first._

_\- Sylvia Day, Captivated By You_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter than usual but we'll have the next one posted sooner than this one. As always, feedback and reviews are always welcome if you have time =D


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We touched on Toby's PTSD in the last chapter and it's mentioned in this chapter. It will be delved into more in upcoming chapters and plays a huge part in what's going on with him and how he's behaving.

_I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more._

_\- C.S. Lewis_

* * *

* * *

Their week had been brutal emotionally, what with Toby going MIA and Happy’s overreaction that led to worse-than-expected fights with both him and Paige.

_Day three of Toby being MIA only had Happy raging even more. His call the previous night, while it alleviated the worst of her fears, it also made her so mad that he felt he could just up and leave without telling her._

“And you don’t get to make executive decisions about us dating while you’re fucking married to someone else the whole time, without telling me.” _His voice rang through her mind crystal clear, and it was in moments like this that she hated her eidetic memory. Because what he said was true, all he’s said about this whole mess that she had made, was true. It was her fault, if she had just bothered to be honest to him and sit him down one day to talk…_

No _, she mentally growled, slamming the wrench she’d been tightly holding onto her workbench, her peripheral vision catching Sylvester wincing at the sound._ He’s the one who ran off, he’s the one in the wrong about this _, she decided, stubbornly pressing all the blame onto Toby yet again and doing her best to block out the little voice in her head. The voice that kept trying to reason with her about how she and her lies were the reason he needed to go away for a while to clear his head. She got so deep in her thoughts justifying her actions and pinning the blame on Toby, that she didn’t notice how Paige had been watching her the whole time, until the latter walked over to stand in front of her workbench._

_“Is everything okay?” she asked with concern. “Did Toby contact you again?”_

_Happy had told the team in the morning that Toby had called her the previous night and seemed fine, although she didn’t divulge any of what had been said during that conversation. Because of that, Paige didn’t know what had gone down that had Happy switch back to anger so fast, but she was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. For now._

_Shaking her head, Happy tried to brush her off, but raising Ralph had made Paige an expert on getting stubborn geniuses to do what she wanted from them, and didn’t let her off so easily._

_“Happy?” She prodded again, then chose to go with a slightly different tactic. “Did something happen when he called you yesterday?”_

_Happy pressed her lips together as she tried to find a way to say how they had almost had a small breakthrough only for it to be ruined again, but she couldn’t. So she defaulted to blaming Toby. “We barely talked. Those holes in the wall he goes to don’t have much signal strength or time between rounds, anyway.”_

_“What?” Paige breathed, unable to believe what Happy was implying. Sylvester heard too, and froze, still facing his chalkboard but stopping his work with his hand still in midair to listen in on the conversation fully._

_“He never actually said he wasn’t gambling.” Happy shrugged, but sighed heavily and relented when Paige demanded to know_ exactly _what Toby had said to make her think that way. “Something about us going back to me not trusting him to keep his promises to me,” she mumbled._

 _“And you took_ that _to mean he’s relapsed? Jesus, Happy, that’s the exact_ opposite _of what he meant.”_

_“Who knows what he meant?” she countered brusquely. “It’s not like he even bothers to talk to me.”_

_“Well, maybe that's because you've never bothered to talk to him before, when you had all the opportunity in the world to come clean.” Paige didn’t bother sugarcoating this. Yes, it would have been ideal if Toby had given them a heads up before disappearing, but she was getting fed up with the way Happy made it seem like he was only one at fault. Especially when all this boiled down to her failing to mention her marriage to the man she was dating._

_“You know you’re the one who made the biggest mistake here, you_ know _that, Happy. So stop trying to twist things to put the blame on him, and start doing whatever you need to to correct those mistakes and convince him he can trust you again.”_

_By now even Walter was listening in, leaning over the railing of the loft to see what was going on between the girls. The added attention only served to rile Happy up more, and she hissed how she already had one shrink breathing down her neck. “I don't need your self help book-fuelled pop psychology as well, Dineen.”_

_Paige practically snorted, crossing her arms across her chest. “As far as I can recall, the only person in here who’s read any self help book recently was_ you _. Or don’t you remember flaunting Quincy’s book to hurt Toby?”_

_“I didn’t do it hurt him.”_

_“Then what? Because he sure as hell wasn’t laughing. And it’s not like there aren’t a hundred similar books out there written by equally qualified people whom his ex-fiance_ didn’t _cheat on him with.”_

 _Happy could only scowl in response, she couldn’t remember why she felt she had to get Quincy’s book and leave it lying around in the garage- she knew she wanted Toby to see it, but Paige was right. What_ had _she hoped to achieve from that?_

_“Listen, I know I’m not a genius, and I only got my degree a few months back, but just because I’m not as smart on paper as you guys doesn’t mean that I’m stupid. I’m educated and I have enough real world experience to know defensive, harmful behavior when I see it. And, oh boy, am I seeing it now, Happy. From you.” She added the last bit before Happy could find a way to use her words against Toby._

_A stunned silence rang across the garage, for as much tough love as Paige has been known to dole out to the team, they’d never seen her this harsh._

_“Oh,_ I’m _the one with defensive and harmful behavior?” Happy shot back. “What about Mr. Run-Away-When-It-Gets-Hard?”_

_“Again, bottom line, whose fault is that? And you haven’t even bothered to ask him how he’s doing, have you?” Paige’s glare hardened even further, but Happy just scoffed._

_“Oh, he’s doing just fine-”_

_“I really doubt it.” Paige interrupted. “I don’t know what it is exactly, but I’ve noticed that Toby’s become even worse for wear in recent weeks. And that’s saying a lot.”_

_Happy paused to think about it, and the more she thought about it, the more she had to admit something wasn’t quite right with Toby. Something that was more than the shambles their relationship was in at the moment._

_Just when she’d thought they were slowly but steadily getting back on track, he’d pulled away again. More subdued at work and turning down her asking if they could spend the night together, he hadn’t been like this even in the first couple of weeks after her dropping the_ already married _bombshell on him._

_Paige noticed how Happy’s rage simmered down to deep thought with the slightest hint of concern playing across her face. “Now that you think about it, you’ve seen it too, haven’t you?”_

_“It’s probably just him being stubborn and refusing to fix things,” Happy reasoned, unable to think of another reason for Toby to be acting this_ _down. Unable to think of Toby being this down._

 _“You know him best.” Paige shrugged, though the fact that she was wholly unconvinced by that lame line shone clear as day across her face. “But please, Happy, please, once he’s back could you just go over and do what you should have done a long time ago? Could you please just sit him down and talk to him?_ Please _?”_

_Happy finally looked up past Paige to see the worried faces of the rest of the team watching them intently. She about to retort again, when her gaze moved just to the left of Sylvester to land on Toby’s empty desk. His laptop and work tablet were still sitting there, untouched, and she stared at that stupid blue figurehead he had there until it started to blur._

_“Fine, but I'll have you know I have talked with him some.” She shifted her gaze back to Paige. “I'll talk with him again If he bothers coming back-”_

_“_ When _he comes back,” Paige corrected, and Happy sighed but accepted it._

_“When he comes back, I’ll talk to him. That good enough for you?”_

_Paige offered her a tight smile before turning to head back to her desk. “It’s good enough for me, let’s just hope it’s good enough for the two of you.”_

He’d come back the previous day, but barely looked at her more than he had to at work. Frustrated beyond measure, she had caught him just before he left work that day to say that she was coming over later because they had to talk, and he had begrudgingly agreed.

She thought Toby would at least give her a second look when she walked in wearing head to toe leather that night but he was busy pulling food out of the oven and didn't look back at her. All she got was a mumbled greeting and that there was more than enough food if she was hungry.

She told him she wasn’t and that she was going to change. He said alright and didn’t see how dejected she was walking back to his bedroom to change. The motorcycle helmet was set on the dresser and she looked at herself in the mirror above it. There were dark circles under her eyes she meticulously concealed that morning. Her eyeshadow was still in place and she decided to wipe off her lipstick before she opened up the top drawer.

A sad smile crossed her features seeing the Harvard shirt Toby wore so often at home. It was marled grey and soft as could be. Brushing her fingers over the material, Happy grabbed it to change into with a pair of leggings she left there over the last several months.

With her clothes piled on the dresser, she sighed and walked back out to the living room. Toby was on the couch, plate of half eaten baked ziti sitting on the coffee table. Happy curled into the corner opposite him and Toby felt her eyes on him.

"Do you remember our first time, Doc?" Her question was asked so quietly he froze when her voice cut through the thick silence in his apartment.

"Of course I do," he told her, never looking up from the medical journal he was reading. That night was one he had been dreaming of for so long and one he'd never forget, no matter what they've become now.

"You saved my life in Antarctica. Coming after me was stupid and could have very easily gotten you killed and lost before you found me. Yet you did it anyway.”

He sighed. “I couldn't let you die, and I was confident I'd be able to find you. Genius, remember?”

Happy chose to ignore his snark and continued. “We were so close to death before Walt and Cabe found us."

"But we didn't die.”

She said she remembered some of what he said to her while she was barely there. “Would you really have been okay dying then, because you were with me?”

Toby ran a hand over his face and took a deep breath. “I was, yeah. I love you, Hap. Dying with you in my arms seemed like the best way to go. I wasn't complaining then, and I wouldn't now, or ever.”

The sincerity in his voice touched her in a way she had forgotten about. “I didn't want to,” she revealed quietly. “But I was resigned to. I made my peace with it as much as I could. Something I hadn't been able to do in that sub months before."

When she was in the sub with Walter and Ensign Hall, she didn't want to die and said it was her dad she wanted more time with. “And I do. But I also needed more time with you.”

“What are you getting at?” He wasn’t aggravated, more exhausted from what she could deduce.

“I’m getting there.” Her tone was nervous and she continued after a breath. “Our kiss on Christmas, do you know how scared I was?” He wasn’t able to answer when she spoke again. “I was so afraid when I told you about what Sly told me. But I got it out and you kissed me. That was the best kiss I’d ever had, Doc.”

His eyes bored into her and he said they went back to like it was nothing the next day. She looked down while her cheeks flushed. “I’m not proud of that. I was in so deep with you, I am in so deep with you, that I didn’t know how to handle moving forward from where we were.”

“You handled it by keeping your trademark distance and still not opening up about the husband you had hidden for the better part of a decade.”

“Toby, I can’t change not telling you. And I want you to know I hold nothing against you if you can’t forgive me.”

“I’ll get there, I don’t know when though.” Toby had his head tilted to look at her and she had an unreadable expression on her face.

“Back to our first time. I was so cold and the chill took weeks to leave my bones.”

Now she had his attention and he set the journal down to turn and give her his full attention. “Why are you telling me all of this now?”

“Because I want you to know. I didn't tell you then but I’m telling you now.” Her smile was small and there was no denying the hesitation in her eyes. Hesitation that he would cut her down again. Hesitation she didn't need in this moment.

“And what is it you want me to know, Happy?”

“That when I thought I was going to die…” She had to take a deep breath and he watched her exhale and repeat several times. “All I could think of was you, Doc. It was beyond freezing and I had this stupid song in my head that turned out to be a song my dad would sing to me… I couldn’t believe how much I still wanted to do, how much I needed to do.”

“You still can,” he told her. “Life gave you a second chance.” 

“But can you give me a second chance?”

“I’m working on it, Happy. And I want nothing more than to move forward with you. We’ll get there.”

“You know that I’m tracking him down so I can finally get the divorce.”

He swallowed and nodded with a tight smile.

“Doc, all I wanted was to live my life with you but being married has made that feel impossible. Nearly dying made me want to live every moment, and for me I want you, in every way possible. Which is why I stopped holding back with you.”

There was tension between them and with a frustrated groan she straddled him. “I'm physical, I know that. And with you, I held back because there's always been something else between us.” Her hand cupped the side of his face and he relaxed by a fraction under her touch. “Now that I know how wonderful it is being with you like we've been, I can't imagine not having you in my life. I can't imagine anyone making me feel like you do. And I don't want someone who isn't you.”

“You always have me, Hap. I’m the one who doesn't really have you.”

“Oh, Doc, you do have me, then and now.” The pain in her features was plain to see and his gaze fell. “I’ve never been happier than I have this year, with you. You’re my best friend. Am I still yours?”

“Yeah, that hasn’t changed.”

“But you don’t trust me.” Her head hung low and Toby tilted her chin up.

“I don’t not trust you.” She furrowed her eyebrows and he kissed her chin. “We’ll get there, it’s taking longer but we’ll get there. I promise.”

She didn't trust her voice not to betray her so she responded with a trail of the lightest of kisses under his jawline. Rubbing at his scruff that was now thicker, she smiled. “I’m glad this is back now.”

“It's a better look, I agree.” He didn’t look at her but it was impossible to keep his smugness hidden.

“Very handsome,” she whispered. Her lips ghosted under his ear and nipped at his earlobe.

“Are you seducing me, Happy Quinn?” He let out a shallow breath, her lips wet on his neck.

“Do I need to?”

The groan from him prompted her Cheshire Cat grin and the start of a hickey was sucked into his skin. _I love you_ was breathed into his ear and her hands went to his waist. Happy’s lips never left him, her fingers ghosting up his torso to feel how his muscles were becoming more defined than she remembered.

“I want this off.” Usually she’d remove it without question but part of her effort to show him she was indeed changing was to ask him and leave this next step up to him.

Effortlessly he reached one hand behind his neck and tugged it up and over his head. With his skin more exposed to her, Happy kissed his chest. Toby felt the way she grinded her hips down and needed more of her too.

“May I?” His hands were both at her waist and she lifted her arms over her head. In a slow, smooth motion, he removed the thin cotton of his old collegiate from her body.

His head dipped down to kiss where her collarbones met and Happy’s fingers curled into the hair at the nape of his neck. His hands held the middle of her back and his scruff trailed between her breasts.

At the feel of his lips capturing her right nipple, she pushed him back. The look of confusion mixed with hurt was on his face for only a moment when Happy moved to the floor. His eyes widened.

“You always put my pleasure first.” Hot, open mouthed kisses under his belly button had him shuddering. “I want to pleasure you now.” He was frozen from shock, as the bulge under his sweats told her he was indeed turned on. “I haven’t done this often, but memory says you’ve enjoyed my blow jobs.”

She was met by his head nodding furiously and Happy chuckled. Her hands met his at his waistband and she knew how much he liked her blowing him. “I do,” he choked out.

Her thumbs stroked the skin and she hooked them into the band of his boxers. Meeting his eyes, he nodded and lifted up for her to rid him of the clothes he had left. His ass was barely on the red velour of the couch when Happy grabbed for the blanket at the back of the couch.

“Up.” He laughed but did as she asked. The blanket was soft under him and before he could think further, she pushed his legs further apart and scooted in. He was ready for her and the lust in her eyes was clear for him to see.

Happy started at his knee and kissed up his inner thigh. Toby’s eyes were on her and she took his hands in hers. Lacing their fingers was intimate. The first time she reached for his hand had been last year on Valentine’s Day- their first almost start. Now, they were were very started and there was no principal in sight to stop them.

He squeezed her hands and she smiled, the gesture against his upper thigh making him smile. Inching ever closer to his throbbing length, her thumbs drew circles on his palms while her tongue traced across where his balls met the base of him. The sharp intake of breath urged her on but she chose to kiss down his other thigh instead. Toby whined at the teasing.

“Doc,” she purred, her teeth dragging up the skin of his thigh, “I’m nowhere near done.”

She moved in closer, her breasts pressing into his thighs and then the feel of his shaft ever so gently being moved by her expert hand to give her the access to his lower abs that she wanted.

He groaned louder and Happy licked at him. That made him jerk up and being in her hand caused a sensation he momentarily forgot would happen.

“Hey, you want me to do this or do you want to do it?”

Her tone was teasing and he shook his head. “You, please.”

No verbal response. She finally broke eye contact and twisted her body into his left thigh, her tongue flat and wide as it ran from base to tip in a languid motion. Pre-cum leaked out and her tongue swirled around his tip before she lapped it up. Happy moaned at his taste and hearing that his head dropped back onto the couch.

She got him wet all over and then wrapped her fingers around his length. The moisture barrier primed them to slide as she sucked his tip. Happy didn’t know him as well as he knew her, orally at least, but she was ready to make up for lost time.

When her lips wrapped over where his head met his shaft, Toby squeaked. She froze, looking up at him from under her lashes for guidance on what he wanted next.

“More of that,” he managed to say, his voice an octave or two higher than his usual timbre.

That gave Happy the encouragement she needed and she repeated the action. Her lips rhythmically pursed around his head and her tongue stroked back and forth. Coupled with her hands, his moans grew lower and his hips rocked.

Time was lost for them both as each sound of gratification from Toby drove her on. It was a feeling she could only think of as incredible power- knowing she was able to make the person she loved more than anything in this world unravel at _her_. His mouth and touch always undid her and now she knew that she held that ability for him as well. With how their relationship ebbed and flowed these days, it was a surprising revelation.

She shook her head to rid her mind of wandering thoughts and that new movement had Toby gripping her shoulders as he twitched between her lips. Their eyes met and then she looked down, her hands sliding off between his thighs and under his ass, cupping his cheeks. Happy lowered her head and took more of him in while her fingers massaged the sensitive flesh of his skinny ass that she enjoyed teasing him about so often.

His breathing was shallow and watching her head bob up and down on him was heavenly. When she pulled off and sat back for air a minute later, Toby’s first inclination had him whimpering. She gave his ass one last squeeze before sliding her hands back out.

“I’d say stop the whining but we both know that you won’t be able to.” She was playful and her eyes scanned the room. He had no idea what she was looking for until he saw her crawl on her knees towards the half glass of water he left on the small table next to them.

With the glass in hand, it was almost as if she were gliding back to him, topless and sheer beauty in front of him. She took a few sips before setting the empty glass next to them. “Ready for more?”

His erection never softened and Happy positioned herself once more between his legs while pushing his knees further apart.

“More, please.” He was at her mercy and all their worries and issues of the past weeks were gone now. It wasn’t perfect but this fragile system they had stood still in times of intimacy like this.

“Of course.” Happy’s smile was infectious and he mirrored it.

“God, I love you,” he said as his hands settled on her shoulders. His fingers held her upper back and he ran his thumbs over her collarbones.

She melted with his touch and pressed closer. “You love me, or me sucking your dick?”

Pre-bombshell would have seen him gulp and grovel for forgiveness at such impertinence. Post-bombshell, where they were now, they both went with honesty and his lips curled into a cheeky smirk. “Both, very much both.”

Her laugh was light and she pressed a kiss to his tip. “Good to know, and I know you like this.” She shifted back with her knees and held him up as her lips zeroed in on his balls. Now his hands tangled into her hair and she sucked one of them into her mouth.

He cried out and dug his fingers into her scalp, practically holding her to where she was. Anytime Happy gave attention to his balls, be it with her fingers or mouth, he would get closer to coming. But she didn’t want this to end just yet for him. So, she released his ball and licked over the other one.

Holding his length with both hands, she tilted her head and licked across his balls. Toby inhaled sharply at the increased sensations and she asked if he liked that. “More,” he moans out.

She nodded, her tongue rhythmically licking across, between, and under his balls. Toby's hips bucked up and his words were more and more incoherent.

Her mouth suctioned to where his balls met the base of him and the sound he made was a cross between a cry of pleasure and a shuddering breath he had difficulty taking. “Hap, I'm going to come.”

She leaned up more on her knees and took his tip back into her mouth while her hand cupped his balls. It took her bringing the top of him into her mouth and slight pressure around his balls for him to come. It was hot and sticky releasing down her throat and she took him in deeper. Feeling the warmth of her mouth surround him had Toby buck up to be more inside of her and his hands tangled further into her hair. A string of curse words laced with her name left his tongue. She moaned, reverberations around his length intensifying the pleasure for him and the feel of him pulling her hair sending shivers down her own body to where her core was wet and wanting even more of him.

Seeing how limp and relaxed Toby's body was, Happy found that she enjoyed this exceedingly more than she had expected to. To prolong his bliss, she swallowed around him a few times and he bucked his hips up instinctively with a small whimper.

Satisfied that he was, Happy pushed back and her tongue traced down and back up his shaft. She swallowed most of his release initially but made sure to clean any residual off of him. He shivered watching her work and his eyes were hazy.

The intensity of his stare, his normally sparkling green eyes dazed with lust, felt like they saw into the innermost depths of her. She blushed, which after how licentious she had been made his heart swell.

Now getting back control of his faculties, Toby wrapped his fingers around her shoulders to pull her up. With her settled her on his lap, he held the side of her face and kissed her without any pretense, the taste of him still in her mouth.

Happy moaned into his kiss and catching that sound in the back of his throat sent chills down his spine. Her hands cupped his face and his smile now was the opposite of how he greeted her earlier.

“How was that, Doc?”

He wasn’t able to stop smiling and kissed her lips before telling her it was amazing. “I need you, Happy.”

She straddled him and wrapped her legs around his waist. “Then take me,” she told him. “Bed.”

Toby stood, holding under her thighs as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Happy peppered his jaw with kisses until he set her down on the bed. She wiggled out of her leggings and he was soon between her legs. His lips were at her foot and painstakingly slow did he move up towards where she was wet and ready for him.

After being shown how much she enjoyed what she could do to him, he was keen to remind her that he excelled when it came to her pleasure. And how he was an expert in making her come multiple times.

-

Hours later, they were both spent and Happy walked back to where he was in bed after freshening up. “Are you showering now or in the morning?”

“In the morning.” Toby rolled over, but paused for a beat before he patted the spot next to him. He had been thinking while she was in the bathroom, whether he wanted to risk her bearing witness to his nightmares and screams. That was the last thing he wanted, for her to have even more on her plate than she already did, but that night he knew he couldn’t not be with her. Not after the almost-perfect past few hours they’d just spent together. “Do you want to stay the night?”

The way she bit her lip, he could tell she was debating her choice.

“Please?” he asked. “I don’t know what the morning will bring but after today I’d really like to fall asleep with you in my arms.”

Her small okay was reinforced as she slid next to him, both still naked and desperate to hold onto the intimacy they shared today.

In his arms, Happy settled onto his chest and wrapped her leg over his hips like she was afraid he’d change his mind.

“I don’t know how we’ll get through this, Hap. What I do know is that we will, eventually.”

She nuzzled into his chest but didn’t speak. He rubbed circles into her side and kissed the top of her head. “Thank you, for opening up earlier.” She looked up and he smiled wanly. “I didn’t know all of that. I mean, I figured but never asked.”

“I didn’t know how to open up before. Physically I did, but like this, I needed to learn more. I still do.”

Toby agreed and as he stroked her hair, she was in a mood to share more. “I'm not cold-hearted, Doc, just very cautious and guarded.”

“That I know, and I’m the opposite. Heart on my sleeve, that’s me.”

The curve of her smile on his chest and how she tightened around him felt good. “Hap?” He chuckled because she was sound asleep and her breathing was steady.

It was the first time she fell asleep in his arms in weeks. He ran his knuckles up and down her spine, reveling in how they still fit together beautifully. Despite the progress made today, he wasn’t able to shake the sinking feeling in his stomach that they had more dark times ahead of them.

* * *

* * *

_Nobody can avoid falling in love. They might want to deny it, but friendship is probably the most common form of love._

_\- Stieg Larsson, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Real life got the better of us so this chapter was later than we'd hoped. Good news is we have the next chapter mostly written =p 
> 
> As always, reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time =D


	10. Chapter 10

_The things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist._

_\- Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms_

* * *

* * *

Happy was still in a fog of residual ecstasy when she woke up the next morning, wrapped around Toby for the first time _since_. Toby was sound asleep, his soft breathing tickling her neck. She squirmed slightly to untangle herself enough to lay on her back, unable to believe the progress they had last night. She knew it wasn’t a fix-all though, like Toby had said before, sex was never a problem for them and that was the best part of last night. Talking was still the biggest issue for them- for her, really- and they had a long way to go in that aspect before they could be fully alright again. She needed to go to the bathroom, so she carefully extricated herself from Toby, careful not to wake him and smiling to herself because she knew he’d need a lot of rest to recover from the previous night.

She looked around for a shirt to slip on, but remembered that both of theirs were still in the living room, where they had started last night. Seeing her riding leathers on the dresser, she figured she might as well shower and get dressed, lips quirking up as she tried to imagine his reaction to finally seeing her in them.

Toby was still sleeping, face down, when Happy entered the room again to wake him up and pass him his coffee. She paused when she saw him, it wasn’t that it was anything special- she’d watched him sleep countless times now- but she just couldn’t believe how much she had been taking for granted.

He was a surprisingly quiet sleeper, in stark contrast to when he was awake. He’d occasionally babble when just stirring and still mostly unconscious to the world, but when he was really asleep there was barely a sound. But no matter how knocked out he was, it was like he had a sixth sense to find her, and she’d almost always wake up with him wrapped around her in some way. When they’d first started spending nights over she would try to push him off, a lifetime of not letting anyone get close had her still not used to so much intimacy, but she’d gotten used to it over time. And now those stolen moments in the dead of night when he’d subconsciously reach across to throw an arm over her waist were pretty much the highlight of her day, the rare moments where he’d touch her and it was gentle, and not only for sex.

Happy sighed as she set the mug down on his night table, sitting on the edge of the bed next to his sleeping form. Her hand hovered above his bare back, longing for the days past when she would wake him up in oh so fun ways that had them almost late for work more times that they dared to tell Walter. She knew him well enough that he wouldn’t wake up to only a few gentle caresses, but she couldn’t bring herself to even pretend a sense of normalcy for just a few seconds, because once he woke and reality came crashing down it would only hurt even worse.

The sudden rush of emotion and nostalgia had her desperate to get out and into a neutral space where she could let out her emotions without being under the careful scrutiny of anyone she knew, but the last thing she ever wanted to do now was run out on him again. They might never recover from a round two of the days following the gala.

“Toby?” She shook his shoulder gently but firmly, repeating his name until he groaned tiredly and tried to bury his face further into his pillow, and Happy did her best to force out the memories of how he had used to bury his face in her hair just months before.

Finally he turned over, blinking his eyes open, but the moment he saw her, dressed in more leather than was usual even for her, he sat up so fast it almost made him dizzy. “Do we have a case or something?”

Happy shook her head and handed him his coffee, which he accept with a guarded smile. “I rode my bike here last night, and I was thinking about going to the beach before heading into work. Just clear my head, you know?”

“At least now you have the decency to tell me before you slip out.” He commented flippantly, all the progress of last night having evaporated from between them.

She sighed heavily, the guilt crushing her. “Toby, you know how sorry I am for doing that to you. I’m never going to pull that on you again, can’t you believe me when I say that?” She tried to rest a hand on his forearm, but he shifted away from her. His only other response was a levelled stare, and she looked down for a second before looking up at him again. “Do you want to come with me? Looks like it'll be nice out today.”

He watched her carefully as he spoke. “On your bike?” She nodded and he shook his head. “No thanks, I like to live.”

Happy hardened a little at that, as many jokes as he had always been making about her admittedly terrifying driving, he had never said anything with an intention to hurt. “What is that supposed to mean?’

“It _means_ ,” he said slowly, in that mocking, talking-to-a-child tone that he has been using too often as of late, “That even if I do want to come, I’m driving myself there.”

“I know you don’t trust me right now, but you have to know I’ll drive safer with you. It’s not like I’d ever get you killed.” The defensiveness was creeping back into her tone, she just couldn’t believe how they’ve been able to turn every innocent suggestion or comment into a fight now. _It’s because he’s finally stopped giving into everything you demand_ , the rational, if slightly cynical, part of her knew. _He’s stopped blindly following you and is laying down his own rules, and you can’t handle it._

Toby huffed a harsh laugh so hard he practically inhaled some of the coffee. "You don't need to stop someone's pulse to kill them, Happy."

There was an obvious undertone of pain behind the words that had meant to cut, and Happy was willing to surrender to stop them them both from hurting even more. "I have a helmet for you, Doc. And I promise to be more careful just for you."

"Like you have since we've been dating? So careful with making sure I didn't find out about your secret hubby?" Toby had been stepping down from the anger too but it was as if the more he tried to keep his tone level for the sake of maintaining the little peace between them, the deeper it cut into her.

Happy felt tears stinging the back of her eyes again, and she knew that she had to get out of there before Toby saw her cry, yet again. Swallowing back the lump growing in her throat, she told him that he had to choose now whether he wanted to come with her, or she was going by herself. "Forget us being whatever type of lovers we are these days, come along as my best friend."

Toby stared into his mug, trying to pretend that it was the vapor making his eyes burn. “I don’t think I know how to be even that right now, Happy. You know I'll never give up, on you or us, but you also can’t expect my old self back anytime soon, in whichever capacity.”

He looked up to see her having lost her battle against herself, and a single tear rolling down her cheek. Seeing her cry, and knowing that he was reason for it, it hurt him more than all the physical and emotional attacks of his entire lifetime combined. “Oh, Hap, I’m so-” He set his mug down and tried to reach for her, to comfort her in whatever way he could, but she stood up and stepped back just out of his reach.

“If you change your mind, I’ll be at the beach where…”  Memories ( _“Last year… it didn’t work out, so let’s try it in reverse this Christmas” // “... your logic makes zero sense. But I don’t care.” // “Quality kiss, Doc.”_ ) came flooding back, as debilitating as they were beautiful, and she couldn’t bring herself to mention them. Toby knew without her saying it, of course he did, and when she saw him get off the bed and walk toward her, she stumbled back towards the door. “Megan’s rocket, Walt…” She tried lamely, grabbing her bag and helmet before looking back at him as she opened the front door and sighed. “You know.”

Her whisper lingered in the still air of his apartment for long after the door slammed shut behind her, and Toby found it a miracle that he made it to the counter before collapsing on the nearest chair.

-

Alone now that Happy was gone, Toby finally allowed himself to give in to his exhaustion. It wasn’t just because of the previous night- his lips curled up at the amazing memory- but also the culmination of the previous days and weeks crashing down on him. He had known it was getting too much for him, that was why he knew he had to leave for those few days, because he needed to be away from Happy, and the team, and everyone who expected him to still be strong and fighting through this. No, at least for a little while, he needed to be somewhere where he could truly be weak and vulnerable and not have anyone else depending on him to hold them up.

He was so grateful to have reconnected with Rory again- his old friend had been there for him throughout medical school when the older kids were bullying him and now he was there for him again when his whole world had been turned upside down. Rory had realized something was wrong on the night of the gala itself, and over the following days, Toby had come clean to him about everything going so terribly wrong in his life. And Rory, bless his heart, had been doing everything he could to help him through this.

_After an intense workout at the gym, they were back at Rory’s place for takeout dinner. Toby had been in a funk for days and ran harder and longer than he had before._  
  
_“So, how's it going at the shelter?” his old friend asked._  
  
_Toby perked up at that and smiled. “Better three months later. Wow did that director fuck them over just leaving the way he did. I mean, I know private sector pays more but so much for being a decent human being."_  
  
_Rory made a face that conveyed he knew exactly what Toby meant. “You've been doing more than counseling then.”_  
  
_“So much more. It's been building that place back up and getting funding in place for the next few years. And thank you for talking with the hospital board. The Silversteins creating that grant saved us.”_  
  
_“Anytime,” he said modestly._  
  
_"And that fundraiser they had, those funds will keep the place afloat for the next ten years."_  
  
_Rory was smiling. “I'm glad to help. And I'm surprised you didn't bring Happy with you."_  
  
_At that, Toby's face hardened and his hands clenched into fists._  
  
_"Why was that, Toby?"_  
  
_"It wasn't a thing for her to go to." He said it with little emotion and the fact he didn't look Rory in the eyes spoke volumes._  
  
_"Excuse me? 'Not a thing for her to go to.' It was a big deal, doesn't she know all the work you've done for the shelter?" That's when it hit him, Toby never told her about it. "She doesn't know, does she."_  
  
_Toby shook his head and Rory's exasperated groan made him look up._  
  
_"Why the fuck not?"_  
  
_"To keep some mystery," Toby said, a tinge of petulance to his voice. "She knew too much about me. Those days are over."_  
  
_"They aren't over when you say you're making it work with her. Secrets and lies don't mix well for a healthy relationship."_  
  
_"That I know," Toby stated._  
  
_"You go there several times a week. And I know for a fact you've been there until midnight some nights. What does she think you've been doing?"_  
  
_"Other women."_  
  
_Rory blinked. "She thinks you're cheating on her?"_  
  
_Toby told him no. "I've told her there's nobody else. And that's the honest truth. I can't stomach the thought of being intimate with anyone other than Happy. She's the love of my life and that doesn't go away because she lied about being married."_  
  
_"Yet you're continuing to punish her for that lie.” Rory’s eyebrows went up in an ‘I told you so’ kind of way that pissed Toby off._  
  
_“What we have is complicated.”_  
  
_“That’s the understatement of the year.” Rory laughed and Toby wasn’t able to fight back a small smile of his own. “But seriously, you two are still having sex several times a week and from what you’ve told me it’s icy at work. That’s got to be taking a serious toll on you.”_  
  
_He shrugged. “It’s the only aspect of us that isn’t complicated. Sex with Happy is the best I’ve ever had. And when we’re together, it’s absolutely magical.”_  
  
_Rory tilted his head and asked the question he wanted to for weeks now. “Then how come you can’t forgive her?”_  
  
_Toby closed his eyes and ran a hand through his now dry curls. “Because I’m still reeling and wondering what else she’s hiding from me.”_  
  
_“You need to talk with her. And by talk I mean have an actual conversation about why she lied and how she’s working to fix this. You told me her husband is off the grid. Has she had any luck in tracking him?”_  
  
_“I wouldn’t know,” Toby told him._  
  
_“And why is that?” The way Rory was talking one would think it were with a child._  
  
_“Because I don’t ask and she doesn’t volunteer the info.” Toby near shouted that and glared at Rory with his face turning redder by the second._  
  
_“Calm down before you give yourself even more stress,” Rory said. “On a related subject, how’s the PTSD? What are your symptoms like these days?" Rory looked at him with what Toby could only describe as the look a doctor gives a patient they know is about to defy them. "You can't fool, you know that."_  
  
_Accepting defeat, Toby said it was about the same. "I'm able to control it nights I spend with Happy."_  
  
_"And how do you do that?"_  
  
_Toby looked down. "I don't sleep. Or I'm too exhausted from the marathon sex that I conk out."_  
  
_Rory's eyes narrowed and said they'd circle back to that. "What re-experiencing symptoms have you had this week?"_  
  
_"You're serious about this?" Toby scoffed, only prompting a nod from Rory. "I'm one of the best psychiatrists in the world; I can handle my own issues."_  
  
_Rory laughed hearing that. "So well you diagnosed your own PTSD. Which isn't bad, but you know as well as I do that it's beneficial to the patient to have an outside doctor monitoring."_  
  
_Before Toby could protest again Rory said it would be easier to give in. "Plus, you'll feel better and then we'll talk about your sex life."_  
  
_He rolled his eyes and then said fine. "I get bad dreams nights I actually get to sleep and have flashbacks. But they haven't been noticed by anyone... At least not that anyone has said anything to me about them."_  
  
_“You know that you’re shutting them out. Which I’d tell you is both avoidance and a symptom of your mood being affected. But you already know that.” Rory was such a smug little shit sometimes that Toby felt like he was back in med school and fourteen again._  
_  
Making a face at his friend, Toby sat back. “The only ones I can fully trust in the team are Paige, Sly and Ralph. And they also happen to be the ones whom I can’t talk to this honestly, none of them deserve to be put through all this._ _And the others… As much as I can’t trust them, I also can’t avoid them. I work with them and, like it or not, they’re like family. As it is, I can only imagine what they’re saying about me taking this time off.”_  
  
_“They’re probably worried sick about you. Happy for sure is. I’m surprised she hasn’t called me this time.”_  
  
_Toby told him that’s because he went off on her for tracking him down at the hospital before._  
  
_“And there you have an arousal and reactive symptom – angry outbursts.” As Rory continued prodding and stating which symptoms Toby exhibited, Toby was deep in thought._  
  
_Once Toby was back, Rory asked how he felt going from such intense intimacy to barely speaking at work._  
  
_"I compartmentalize. Otherwise I'd go crazy. Crazier..."_  
  
_"That isn't healthy," Rory chided._  
  
_"None of it is healthy but it's our reality. Neither of us want to go without and it's a connection we still share. We're consenting adults with a high sex drive."_  
  
_Rory snorted hearing that and Toby said he wasn't just a scientific genius but a sexual genius as well._  
  
_"How's that, Casanova?"_  
  
_Toby licked his lips and smirked. "Oral sex. Years of never shutting up have come in handy. It takes a long time for my jaw or tongue to tire."_  
  
_Scrunching his face at that visual, Rory did gain new insight. "Some people say that oral sex is more intimate than intercourse because there needs to be a greater level of trust. You're literally wide open while the other person caters to you."_  
  
_"I've heard of that," Toby told him. "And Happy does trust me like I trust her. But mine is shattered and it's not that easy gluing back together."_

_“No one ever said it would be easy. But Toby, it does need to happen.” Rory spoke to him gently, but it served to aggravate Toby._

_“I_ know _, okay? And trust me, no one wants it to happen-_ needs _it to happen- more than me. But it’s just not that easy, man.”_

_“I understand. If you ever need anything, I’m always here.” Rory realized this conversation wasn’t going to go any further that night, and figured it would be better to switch it to a neutral subject they both enjoyed. After all, at least with him Toby deserved some time where he could get his mind off all the hell that was his personal life at the moment._

And then, Toby was back to the present, kicking himself for not being able to forgive Happy the way he wanted to. The way he needed to. But over and over he reminded himself that until he could do so without any second thoughts, he had to hold off. Looking around the living room to see their scattered clothes, his eyes stung at how beautiful last night was in stark contrast to how she left near tears herself because he wasn't able to trust her come the morning. At night they could lose themselves in each other. But in the light of day, they were forced to face the demons they fought back in the dark.

* * *

The wind was picking up when Happy got to that stretch of beach that held so many precious memories for her and Toby. It was more than the usual ocean breeze, and under most other circumstances she would have at least been a little cautious of the weather, but at the moment her mind was swirling with so many thoughts and emotions that she honestly couldn't bring herself to care. Parking her bike, she made her way to a bench across the walkway from the actual beach. There were hardly any other people around, and none of them were looking at her, so she allowed herself to rest her heels on the edge of the seat, burying her head into her drawn up knees.

_“C’mon, let’s get out of here.” Toby whispered conspiratorially as he slipped around to the back of the garage and sat beside her on the floor where she was working on her bike. It was still fairly early on in their relationship, none of the others knew about them, so she hissed and tried to nudge him away with the spanner she was holding._

_Toby laughed, telling her to relax as he gently took the spanner from her to hold her hand, shifting closer. “Cabe, Paige and Ralph already went home, and Walt and Sly are upstairs working on some nerd thing. We can hear them come down before they see us.”_

_At Happy’s sideways glare he dropped her hand, but remained close enough that they were mostly touching anyway. “I have a place I was thinking of going to tonight, let’s head out when you’re done?”_

_It turned out the place Toby was thinking of was the beach the team had spent Christmas night on, where the two of them had finally had their second kiss after months of pain and forcing themselves apart, and where they had finally inched their relationship beyond friendship, toward something that they’d make official the day after Antarctica._

_They grabbed burgers on the way, and settled on the same bench Happy was sitting on now. Toby had muttered something cheesy about coming back to the place where it had all begun, and she had rolled her eyes but curled into his side anyway, one of the first instances of affection she had shown him in public. He had been surprised but grateful that she was allowing him more of the little things, kissing the top of her head softly, and later taking her home to show her just_ how _grateful he was._

Happy found herself smiling at the memory despite the events of the morning that had her desperate to run and get some distance between herself and Toby, and even the rest of the team. She knew it wasn’t healthy, she knew that her refusal to connect and stick through the tough emotional times was what had gotten them into this situation in the first place. But spending last night reliving their blissful, perfect first time, and having an equally blissful and perfect round again, only to go back to square one this morning, it was too much for her to take.

She had probably fallen asleep, or maybe even gone down the rabbit hole for a bit. It was impossible to tell which actually happened, but the next thing she knew someone was shaking her shoulder and calling for her to wake up. Blinking as she lifted her head from her knees, she found herself staring up at Toby, who was looking tired, frustrated, but also more than a little concerned. She moved to sit up straight, asking him what he was doing there, that she had gotten the idea in the morning that he wasn’t too interested in joining her…

“What am _I_ doing here? Happy, what have you been doing here for so long?”

When she checked her watch, it was almost noon. She couldn’t have told it from the sky though, the clouds had gotten significantly heavier than she remembered when she had arrived, and already a few drops were hitting the pavement around her.

“Come on,” Toby tugged at her arm with a gentleness uncharacteristic for him in recent days, helping her stand and leading her toward the carpark. “I brought your truck, so we can take your bike at the same time instead of having to leave it here and come back for it.”

She nodded and lifted her bike into the bed of the truck with some help from Toby. But the moment she locked the tailgate, something snapped inside her.

“How the hell did you get my truck?” Happy didn’t know where the bite in her voice came from, Toby hadn’t said or done anything to aggravate her. But before she could apologize, the concerned aura around him vanished and he was matching her tone.

“The keys were on your desk. You’re welcome for coming out to get you before the rain starts.”

“I can take care of myself.” She all but growled, and when Toby muttered a “clearly” and she snatched the keys from his hand and climbed into the driver’s side, slamming the door close.

Toby had barely scrambled to the the passenger side when the rain started coming down. It was heavy, but thankfully did not progress into a full out storm as she drove back to the garage. Normally he would have smirked an “I told you so” and the drive would have been filled with the playful back-and-forth ribbing that was a staple of their relationship.

But this time, it was complete silence between the two of them, the only sounds being the pattering of rain against the metal and glass. The tension was thick, but neither of them were willing to bite the bullet and speak up to try and alleviate it. Instead, they both stubbornly held onto the frustrated anger that they had gotten used to in the recent weeks.

When they finally reached the garage after almost an hour of being stuck in the deadlock that could only be expected of a rainy day, Toby turned to ask if she needed help to unload her bike. Happy knew that this was her chance to tone down the fight, but for some reason she kept pressing it.

“I have been handling myself for over twenty seven years, I don’t need your suffocating coddling.”

Toby blinked, her calling her him suffocating was probably one of the worst blows she had ever dealt him. Happy seemed to recognize that too, but when she didn’t say anything to try and defuse it, he jumped out of the truck as if he had been imprisoned in there for years. He didn’t say anything to the questioning faces of rest when he entered the garage, though they all saw how he rolled his eyes and slammed an open drawer closed with much more force than was necessary.

-

The day wore on, the volatile tension making the time drag even slower than usual. The sun had come up again shortly after they had returned from the beach, baking the entire garage in the usual heat of a California summer. Ironically, it was the heat that made Happy cool down and realize how irrational and unreasonable she had been in snapping at Toby, when all he had done was look out for her and help. She knew that if it hadn’t been for him, she’d probably have only noticed the downpour after it had completely drenched her out of the daze she had been in, and there was no way it would have been safe to ride her bike back with all the traffic and reduced visibility.

She knew what she had done was the perfect repeat of how she had been acting pretty much the whole time before- and while- she and Toby had gotten together. Lashing out and pre-emptively cutting people off so that she wouldn't get hurt if (when?) they stop caring, it was the exact reason they were stuck in this painful limbo in the first place.

But she felt the need to protect herself even more strongly now. Given the constant roller coaster of emotions that was her and Toby’s relationship at the moment, Happy felt she would rather keep her shield of anger up until they truly got over this, than to keep getting her hopes up and then have them come crashing down all over again. Though at the same time, she also knew that if she kept pushing for confrontations, it could very well give Toby all the reason he needed to walk away and never look back. And Toby was trying. Sure, it came out as a constant flux between anger and hurt, but that was that was the result of him trying to wrap his mind around her carefully constructed lies that had crumbled around them. She knew he was trying, and she could only hope that despite all her walls, he knew that she was trying too.

It was a fine line between shielding herself from the pain and risk losing it all, or opening up and playing her part in fixing this mess that she had put them in despite the emotional torture that came with it, and when Toby came over hours later to ask her if she wanted to come over, Happy still couldn’t bring herself to cross it.

“Weather forecast says there’s an 80% chance of storms tonight.”

She just stared at him, her expression betraying nothing, and he fell back on another of his usual tangents. “It’s not from a questionable phone app, it’s from the satellite Sly hacked when we were in Vietnam, so it should be pretty accurate-”

“So what if it’s accurate?” She interrupted him coldly, and he could only look at her, stunned.

Toby knew he could easily devolve this into yet another fight, and that she more than deserved this after going off on him in the afternoon, but he kept his voice level, concerned. “You and thunderstorms… I don’t want you to be alone.”

“I already told you, I can take care of myself. I’ve survived perfectly fine without you til a few months ago, and I still can.”

“I was just concerned about you-”

“I don’t need your stupid concern.”

“Fine.” Toby stepped back, and Happy felt a pang of regret at how his features hardened. “Take care of yourself.” He hoisted his bag on his shoulder, turning to walk toward the door without so much as a backward glance at her.

-

Sylvester’s satellite _was_ accurate, that night was one of the worst thunderstorms of the year so far. Even Toby, who usually loved to sleep through storms, was feeling unnerved, as if the structure of his apartment might not be strong enough to survive the storm. Waking up to a particularly loud clap of thunder, his first instinct was to reach over for Happy, to hold her and make sure she was okay, but when he propped himself up on his elbow, he was met with just the expanse of sheets next to him.

A sudden streak of lightning lit up the room, only serving to further highlight how empty it was, how Happy was not there with him. He blinked when the accompanying clap of thunder erupted, not for himself, but in wondering how Happy was doing. As irrationally hard as she had been on him earlier that day, he never wanted her to have to go through one of her biggest fears alone. For a moment he wondered whether he should go over to check on her, but her scathing “ _I don’t need your suffocating coddling”_ kept reverberating through his mind. He figured it would be safer to check in on her over the phone, to not risk setting her off all over again and her slamming the door in his face. He reached over to unplug it from the charger, and it seemed to weigh a ton in his hand as picked it up, the brightly colored playing cards of his lock and home screens smiling up at him as he debated with himself whether or not to contact her.

-

Across town, Happy was jolted awake by the very same storm. She turned to her side, fully expecting Toby to be right there to hold her safe in his arms and lull her back to sleep, but the only trace of him she got was the faintest scent of him lingering on the pillow. For a moment she was confused, her conscious mind not quite awake and caught up yet, and she couldn’t understand why Toby wasn’t there beside her. But then her eidetic memory kicked in, and she remembered how she had pushed him away, told him _specifically_ that she didn’t need his concern, that she didn’t need _him_.

And he had actually listened, accepted her telling him to leave her alone, and walked out of the garage without the slightest hint of hesitation. Remembering that, how he had mumbled a goodbye to Sylvester and even nodded at Cabe, but walked away from her as if she was a stranger, that hurt the most. It was like she was screwing up every little thing she was doing these days, and with every mistake she made and every word she misspoke, she was pushing Toby away even further, slashing away at the few threads still keeping them together, giving him yet another reason not to come back.

She was so deep into her thoughts, so frustrated with herself why she _just couldn’t keep it together_ enough to get him back, that she didn’t even notice the very same streak of lightning that had served to rub it in to Toby how she wasn’t there beside him. The thunder snapped her out of it, though she was still too clouded by emotion to be scared of the sound, and she couldn’t help a melancholic smile. _Even when he wasn’t there with her, even when it wasn’t clear if he would ever be again, his memory alone was enough to get her through the storm._

-

He stared at his phone for so long the screen locked. He blinked in surprise at the sudden plunge back into complete darkness before unlocking it again, opening the messaging app. Texting was the safest option, he had decided, so she didn’t have to respond immediately, or even respond at all, there was a lesser chance of them spiraling into yet another fight in the middle of the night- calling required too many split second decisions and words that he knew neither of them were ready for.

-

She reached over and pulled his pillow to her, exhaling a shuddered breath as she hugged it close, as if it were him. It did offer a bit of comfort, but it was ice-cold in stark contrast to his delicious warmth, and she couldn’t help the tears that crept their way up to the back of her eyes. After tossing sleeplessly for a few more moments, she kicked off the covers, opting to work on one of her small projects instead, to get her mind off everything as best she could. Turning on the light in the bathroom, her gaze landed on one of Toby’s tee shirts, thrown haphazardly over the laundry hamper. She didn’t know what compelled her to do it, but she found herself picking it up, hugging it to herself when she realized it still had traces of his cologne, and she impulsively took off her own pajama top, slipping his tee on instead.

Her phone lit up from where it was charging on her dresser, the storm too loud to hear the buzzing, and she padded over to check it.

_Storm’s pretty bad tonight, but it should be over soon. Just sit tight and try to go back to sleep. Love you._

The fact that he still bothered to check in on her was especially touching, given her uncalled for hostility from the previous day. His contact picture- a selfie he had taken and set for himself that she never had the heart to delete- was smiling up at her as she scrolled up the page to their previous conversations as she tried to decide on what to reply him.

The difference was painfully stark- before the 21st of April, it was full of the sonnet quotes and cheesy nicknames and myriads of emojis that she had come to secretly look forward to from him. The night between the 21st to the 22nd was one-sided, her demanding to know where he was and why he wasn’t picking up her calls. The next message from him was on the 25th, _the day she saw him again_ , the cold “ _Ok_ ” hours after she had texted him again, telling him they needed talk it out. The emotional whiplash stung, and she punched out the only thing she could without breaking down again.

_I know, thanks._

-

His fingers hovered over the keypad as he read her reply. It was so formal and distant, but frankly nothing short of what he had expected, rather it was a miracle she had bothered to reply him at all. Slowly, more out of instinct and habit than anything else, he touched the option to switch from the alphabet to emojis, his most recent ones staring up at him. ‘Recent’ was a relative term, by now it was more appropriate to say call them last-used, because none of them were actually _recent_ , the romantic and suggestive faces, as well as all the variations of hearts, staring up at him. Even before they were dating, he was infamous for putting in multiple emojis, and once they had gotten together there hadn’t been a conversation that went by without him ending it with a multitude of hearts. For a moment, his thumb hovered over the red heart from the cards suit, so tempted to make a snide double entendre, but eventually he decided against it. They had been hurting each other too much in person, he didn’t need to make things worse over text.

Placing the phone face down on his side table, he just turned over to bury his face in his pillow, hugging the blankets tighter around himself, almost as if, if he tried hard enough, he could imagine the cotton and fleece as her instead.

* * *

* * *

_I could never sleep with you sad; I could not fall asleep to your sadness. I’ll always stay awake to try and piece together your broken parts. I am yours, even when you worry I’m not._

_\- Unknown_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time =D


	11. Chapter 11

_It made me wonder how many times we forgive just because we don’t want to lose someone, even if they don’t deserve our forgiveness._

__\- Deb Caletti_ _

* * *

* * *

The next morning, Happy had barely gotten out of bed and switched on the coffee machine, running late that morning after a restless night of sleeplessness, when there was a knock at the door. Too tired to bother checking the peephole, she opened it to see Toby looking down at her. Though he had been worried about her, he still wasn’t willing to back down so easily, fully intending to make a snide along the lines of “Serves you right for snapping at me yesterday, doesn’t it?” But, when he saw her wearing one of his shirts over her leggings, he could only raise an eyebrow.

She knew the question he wasn’t asking her verbally and offered in a small, apologetic smile. “Wearing your shirt, it allows me at least the illusion that you're here with me."

Toby softened at that, he didn’t have it in him to start the day fighting if she didn’t, kissing the top of her head as he walked into her apartment. Setting his bag down on the couch, he glanced over at her kitchen to see that she still hadn’t started on breakfast. “Want to head over to Kovelsky’s?”

She seemed stunned that he even wanted to talk to her, let alone go for breakfast together, and it killed him just that little bit more. “I was thinking of stealing a bit of whatever you were having,” he smiled, letting the slightest bit of his cheeriness creep back into his tone, if it meant making her feel better. “But that’s clearly not happening, so let’s just grab something on the way?”

“Yeah, sure.” She agreed, asking him to give her fifteen minutes to get ready. When she came back out to the living room, Toby was intently staring at the television, and she followed his gaze to see the local news channel reporting breaking news on a series of three bombs that had exploded around the city.

“Sly texted me, all freaked out,” he murmured, glancing at her before turning back to the screen. “Paige is picking him up, so at least we don’t get chauffeur duty. This is the one time she’s relieved Ralph is in Portland with Drew”

Happy wanted to smile at that, but Toby casually mentioning those two only sent a pang through her how she had inadvertently split the garage in two, how Toby was no doubt much closer to Sylvester and Paige than her these days. “Reminds me of the case with the dirty agent. What was it, our second case?”

“Third technically, we weren’t officially a team during the LAX one. Can’t believe we got our prime suspect run over by a bus,” he chuckled. “Gotta try not to repeat that this time.”

“We got the case?”

“Not yet. But since all the fancy suits were clearly incapable of stopping this guy, how much do you wanna bet they’re going to dump the dirty work on us?”

Happy would have let it slip, she honestly hadn’t even noticed it when he first said it, the word she had labelled as taboo for him only registering a few moments later. But something flashed across Toby’s face and his features darkened.

“Figure of speech.” His voice was back to being low, guarded, as he moved to switch off the television. “There’s no need for you to go off on me, again.”

“Toby, I wasn’t-”

He didn’t let her respond as he grabbed his bag off the couch and stalked over to the door, and Happy rushed to keep up. He turned back as she reached him. “I don’t mind going to Kovelsky’s still, if you want, but you should take your truck. I doubt you’ll be coming over tonight.”

Happy pulled into Kovelsky’s just behind Toby, still stinging at how he asked her to drive herself there instead of taking only his car. “But then how are you going to get home after you get pissed at me again later today?” He had said scornfully when she had asked him again if he really meant it when he said she should take her truck.

He waited for her to park, though he didn’t say anything as they walked into the diner and sat down at their usual booth. Happy remembered how before, they’d always sit on the same side, her on his right so he could throw his arm across the back of the seat to play with her hair even while they were eating. But now they took one side each, Toby back on his phone as he was a lot these days.

“That Rory?” She nodded at his phone, wanting to have a conversation and figuring talking about a third party would be reduce the probability of devolving into a fight again, but it didn’t.

He shrugged, barely lifting his eyes away from his phone to glance at her. “Or you could just barge into the hospital again and ask him yourself.”

“Toby-”

“Hey, you guys, great to see you again!” Happy was cut off by a cheery waitress- Mallory- someone they were fairly familiar with given how often the team frequented Kovelsky’s. “What can I get you kids?”

Toby forced a pleasant smile that Happy copied, ordering his self-proclaimed guilty pleasure of salted caramel french toast while she got her usual breakfast set. Silence set upon them again after she left with their orders, Toby on his phone again and Happy just staring at him, wondering how they managed to screw up their progress from two nights ago _so spectacularly_. The hot-and-cold behavior Toby had recently adopted was really starting to frustrate her. As much as she respected his right to do whatever he needed to get over everything, she just wished that he could do it in a way that was easier for her to live with as well.

He was smiling at his phone, completely oblivious to all the turmoil in her mind, and it only aggravated her further. “Can’t you just choose what you want?” she blurted out, unable to hold it in any longer.

She watched as his fingers froze over the screen of his phone, before he finally locked it and placed it on the table, folding his arms on the table as he studied her. “Choose what?” The anger was gone, replaced by genuine regard and confusion.

“Whether you’re mad at me or not. Because this back and forth thing is exhausting for me, not knowing what your mood is.”

He sighed, tired. “Don’t you think it’s exhausting for me too, Hap? And you’re upset that you don’t know what mood I’m in these days, I didn’t know who you were at all for _years_.”

“Can you stop rubbing that in?” She groaned. “I get that, Doc, but you have no right to keep calling me out when I’m trying.”

“I’m not rubbing it in, Happy, I’m just stating the facts of the situation we’re in.”

“Stating the- what are you, Walter?”

“Do I look like someone who’s willing to keep a damning secret for eight years and _then_ gets pissy when people don’t just accept it sitting down?” She moved to retort, but he continued. “And you’re one to complain about me being back and forth, what with the way you just snapped at me yesterday on the beach when I was only trying to help you.”

“I didn't need-” Happy caught herself just in time, before she said something that would have almost certainly pushed Toby away further. “Look, Toby, I’m sorry. I really am, I just… I’m trying to change, but it’s just hard and-”

“I do understand, Happy, but don’t you see how this is exactly what I’m so upset about? You’re allowed to make mistakes that directly hurt people while you’re trying to change, but I couldn’t even play a game with Ralph to wean myself off something I’ve been doing for decades.”

Happy could only stare at him as what he was talking about clicked in her mind. She remembered how hard she had been on him the night they’d come back from Djibouti, going off on him for playing truth or dare with Ralph when it had actually been a desperate way to make sure he kept his promise to her. Her heart sank as she realized the truth behind his words, how she was still expecting leeway and excuses for her actions, when she had never bothered to give him that room for error when it came to him.

She nodded solemnly, picking at her nails as she tried to come up with something that would let him know how truly apologetic she was without setting him off. “I know I’m being… unfair-”

“That’s an understatement,” Toby scoffed, and she shut her eyes briefly.

“I’m in the wrong, in many ways. I know that, Toby, but-” Happy was cut off again by Mallory arriving with their food. Again, they faked smiles as they took the food, but she could tell something was off.

“Is everything alright, guys? Y’all seem a bit tense this morning, much more than usual.”

Happy was at a loss for words- how do you explain everything they were going through in just a few words to someone they barely knew? Toby spoke up for the both of them, making it into a joke how things were stressful at work and unfortunately it was spreading to their home life, too.

“Oh, I see... We were wondering why we hadn’t seen the gang together in a while.’

Toby laughed a little under his breath. “Trust me, you don’t want the gang together these days unless you’re planning on shooting a world war three movie in here.”

“Oh wow, that sounds really bad, hope you guys can work all of that out soon,” Mallory pursed her lips apologetically. “Well, just enjoy your meal before you have to get back to work!” She offered them a cheery smile before walking off.

“Must be really bad if random outsiders are noticing, huh?” Happy tried a weak smile to lift the mood of the conversation, but Toby didn’t take it.

“It _is_ really bad, Hap. Not just between us, but the team as a whole.” He looked like he was going to comment further on that, but didn’t. “You were saying?”

She felt her heart sink at how blunt and direct he was being that day, though she knew this was just one of the numerous heavy, unpleasant conversations they needed to have if they really wanted to fix things, and that trying to avoid the subject would only end up doing them more harm than good. “I’m wrong, but… you being this harsh on me, what will happen if now you turn into who I was being?”

Toby cut into his french toast and chewed on a piece before answering, keeping his gaze steady on her the whole time. “I don’t know about that, but what I do know is that I deserve to behave however I want.”

“You do, of course you do-”

“Then let me.”

She sighed heavily. “But there’s only so much I can take before I break.”

“Are you trying to tell me what and how much I can feel?” His voice was dangerous again. “Because you might be feeling that you’re about to break, but you have already broken me, Happy, so much more than you’ll ever know.”

“So you’re trying to make me feel the same way? For what, retaliation? God, Toby, when can you start behaving like an adult?”

At the way he set his fork and knife down against his plate, she knew had crossed the line. “ _I’m_ the one not behaving like an adult? Are you even looking at yourself, Hap? Refusing to tell me something as important as you _being married to someone else_ , just because you ‘didn’t want to’? Do you know how much that sounds like a two year old?”

Her heart sank at how she had just opened up a whole new level that went way below the belt. “Toby, I didn’t mean-”

“You behaved like a scorned teen with your actions and then hiding your marriage because it was scary for you, never mind how I would feel when I had to eventually find out, never mind how the longer it went on the more it would hurt everyone. It’s just plain selfish, Happy. All you thought of was yourself. Even now, you’re thinking about you and not how I’m dealing with any of this.”

His words hit a nerve, he verbalized what she knew she was doing but didn't want to admit. But she didn’t know how to reconcile them in that moment, so she pressed on with the fight. “Tell me, Doc, what do I do then? How do I change a lifetime of protecting myself when the one person I want more than anything is treating me like a leper?”

“You’re whining about not being able to change, despite it being weeks? Remember when you demanded that I give up gambling cold turkey? _Overnight_? And with only carnal distractions to get me through?”

“I did that for your own good,” she said softly, and he nodded thoughtfully. When he spoke it was softer than before.

“I know, but it was also for you. And I understand and respect everything you said about needing stability after all you’ve been through, but I can’t help but feel that you managed to secure the rug under you, while ever more preparing to pull mine from under me.”

Happy winced as Toby brought up the metaphor she had mentioned that night on the roof. She had known, even while saying it months back, that she was being unfair, that she was ensuring her security in the relationship while there was a whole truckload of secrets that Toby was blissfully unaware of. There was no way to contradict what Toby was saying, how she had demanded so much of him that she hadn’t been willing to give in return.

“Well, at least that’s one way we’re treating each other equally, don’t you think?” He huffed a laugh, bringing her out of her thoughts. “The carnal distractions are the only thing we have. I’d say I’m giving you that, wouldn’t you? Heaven knows I’m certainly getting a workout most nights with you.”

She widened her eyes as she looked, mortified if someone else had heard. Luckily, the diner was fairly empty still, the nearest other patrons sitting too far away for them to hear. “Do you still feel for me at least?” She asked quietly, taking advantage of their relative privacy. This was still infinitely better than the constant eavesdropping and snooping they’d be under once they reach the garage. “When we’re…”

“I’m feeling quite a lot of you when we’re fucking, actually,” he smirked, but it was cynical, miles away from his usual playful grins. But it wasn’t that which stabbed Happy to the core, it was the word he had used to refer to what they were doing. In all their months together, unless it was deep in the throes of passion when he barely had any control over his faculties, he had never referred to what they did as ‘fucking’.

No, with Toby it was always ‘making love’, or ‘aggressive cuddling’ or ‘scoodlypooping’ or whatever other cute, silly euphemism he’d come up with. This level of emotionlessness was something she had never seen from Toby, and something she had hoped she would never have to see. That, coupled with how cool he was about what he had just said- he’d taken her stunned silence to mean he could finally continue eating- was just so aggravating. She stabbed at her eggs with her fork, and when Toby looked up in smug amusement, she growled out a “Forget it.”

That snide smirk was still plastered on his face. “You sure you want to? Because we’re always pretty _fucking_ awesome.”

She locked her gaze with his, “Just drop it.” It came out almost as a whisper, asking him to please just let them have their breakfast in peace, without spiraling into yet another fight. Toby seemed to understand how desperate she was for some calm, to press pause on the fight that had been going on for almost a full 24 hours, nodding his truce and motioning for her to carry on eating. He offered her a bit of his french toast, something she was normally all over, and she gratefully accepted it, both knowing that their actions meant so much more beyond just the bread.

-

The temporary let-up from the verbal sparring was a welcome development, but the tension and underlying anger remained between them. It was especially obvious when they decided to head to work, Toby not apologizing about asking her to drive separately like she had hoped he would. By the time they reached the garage, however, there was a general sense of the both of them having calmed down some, and Toby couldn’t help but feel slightly guilty for what he had said and done that morning.

“Hey,” he reached forward to hold her back by her elbow as they were crossing the parking lot. “Look, what I said back there, I… I know we’re being disproportionately physical these days, and I’ve told you how I need that to process and get over-”

“I know.” Happy swallowed hard as she tried to shake of his grip, knowing that if she tried to talk any further at the moment she’d probably break down.

But Toby refused to let go of her, sliding his hand down her forearm to interlace his fingers with hers. That action made her stop and turn to face him, and he offered her a small but loving smile. “Just because our emotional connection is in tatters right now, it doesn’t mean it’s gone. It’s always going to be there, Hap, _we_ are always going to be there.” He reached up to brush away a lone tear that started rolling down her cheek, squeezing her hand. “Always.”

Happy stared up at him, not trusting her words at the moment. He was still smiling at her, that daring-to-hope smile he would have whenever he suggested something to move their relationship forward. For that brief moment, if she could just snap a picture of them in that instant, it would have been like nothing of the past weeks had ever happened, just Toby telling her another of his sweet, if not cheesy, lines before they headed into the garage for another day of saving the world. She wasn’t prepared for that sudden rush of normalcy, that cruel juxtaposition of how they used to be and how they actually were, so she did what she does best.

Toby could only sigh when she nodded with a tight smile, before pulling her hand out of his and brushing past him into the garage. Just because he knew that it was her nature to walk away when emotions got mentioned and it started to get messy, that didn’t mean he didn’t feel disappointed and hurt every time she did that. Or that he wished that trying not to do that so often was on her priority list every time she promised him she was trying to change. He walked into the garage himself, hoping to be able to talk to her some more, but just then Cabe came in through the front door, sounding serious as he talked to someone on his phone.

He motioned for the team to gather around as he finished the call and pocketed his phone. “Good that all of you are already here, we got a big case and it’s urgent.”

“The bombings?” Sly offered, already wringing his hands nervously. Cabe nodded, handing Walter his laptop to connect to the projector.

“Grand Park, the Music Center, and Olvera Street.” Toby studied the map of Los Angeles that appeared on the central terminal, stars indicating the three bomb sites. “Places that are significant and iconic, but also aren’t very crowded at the time when the bombs went off. He’s probably just trying to make a statement, but doesn’t actually intend to have many casualties.”

“What kind of a statement?” Happy asked, and he shrugged.

“How am I supposed to know off the bat? ” He glanced at her. “I’m clearly not a mind reader.”

Paige was about to step in to prevent them spinning this into another round of snides, when an update popped up on the screen. It was a fourth bomb that the bomb techs have just proven was made by the same bomber from the previous three, but this time it wasn’t in a key public place, instead it was at a parking lot near a residential area in a more run down part of town.   

“Uhm…” Sylvester tried awkwardly, and Toby crossed his arms across his chest as he tried to add in the latest information to his analysis.

“It’s personal.” He decided finally. “He’s not targeting those places because they’re significant to the city in general, he’s targeting them because they’re significant to him.”

“So our best be- _shot_.”  Nobody, especially Happy, missed how he clenched his fists tightly to control himself. “Is to start by finding out everyone who has and still lives in that residential area, and then try to narrow it down from there.”

Walter nodded in the affirmative, already on his laptop and in the county’s housing records database. Narrowing down the list of current and former tenants was easy, and cross referencing with Olvera Street yielded narrowing it down to one hit.

“Maria Mendoza,” Walter muttered as he projected the information he had accessed onto the main terminal.

Sylvester’s eyes narrowed even as they flew over the documents. “Seems a little tough to be running around planting bombs when you’ve been in hospice care for the past five years.”

“Let alone know how to _make_ the bombs,” Happy added, and Cabe nodded at them before turning to Walter.

“Next of kin?”

Another moment of busy typing and Walter replied in the affirmative. “One son, Leonard, and- woah.”

The team’s eyes widened as they took in his rap sheet, so long it barely fit into the large screens of the monitor trees. It was mostly small stuff- robbery, public intoxication, and the like, but he also hadn’t been afraid to foray into more physical crimes.

“This doesn’t make sense,” Toby frowned. “All these crimes are spontaneous, spur of the moment. Carefully systematic bombing like what’s going on today don’t fit his MO.”

“He did study electrical engineering at a local community college, though he dropped out before completing his degree.” Sylvester offered, but Toby shook his head.

“He might have the skills to make bombs, doesn’t mean he has the mindset to plan out something like what’s going on today.”

Walter had his fingers hovering over his keyboard. “Maybe it’s the wrong guy? We should try cross referencing to one of the other locations first, and see if- Oh wait, this might mean something.” He brought up a bunch of new documents, dated less than two months ago.

“His mother’s hospice care was forced to downsize and that included kicking out some patients,” Toby read the documents aloud. “And since Maria was only under an employment visa and not a citizen, she was one of the first to be booted out despite Leonard’s multiple appeals for them to keep her.”

“And he was forced to send her back to Mexico when he couldn’t afford to place her anywhere else here because she lost her medical insurance, plus… he lost his janitorial job at the Music Center.” He punched the air as more pieces of the puzzle started falling into place.

“Okay, I get why he would have been emotional and angry enough to target their old apartment complex, and where the two of them worked respectively.” Cabe was already sending details to the other agencies who were a part of the investigation. “But why Grand Park? And why not the hospice center?”

Toby chewed at the inside of his cheek, deep in thought as he analysed the situation further before replying. “He would never attack the hospice center, as pissed as he is with them, he wants as little casualties as possible. And the other patients in there probably remind him of his mother, he won’t be able to bear hurting them.”

“Grand Park… possibly because it’s near the Music Center. Or because it’s nearly empty at the time in the morning when that bomb exploded. And given how it was the first one of the day, he probably wanted to test it out in a place with the least possible casualties.”

Cabe nodded at him, before turning back to Walter. “Can you track this Leonard guy down? Cell phone, car, last known address, anything.”

Walter responded with an “On it,” motioning for Sly to help him as Happy turned to Toby. “So does that mean this is it? I mean, it looks like he’s targeted all the significant places to him, right?”

He turned to look at her, for once the tension between them not about their personal issues, but rather at the gravity of the current situation. “I hope so, but you can never know for sure until you really know the guy.” Toby bit back a ‘ _and sometimes not even after knowing them so well for almost a decade,’_ for the sake of solving the case. “You never know what or who else he might be blaming for this- the insurance company, the members on the board of that hospice care that decided they needed to downsize-”

“But you said he wouldn’t hurt people,” Sylvester interrupted nervously, looking up from where he was hacking into every last aspect of Leonard’s life. “Cos all that sounds like people. A lot of people”

“I do hope his current pattern continues, but-”

“Ah-ha!” Walter exclaimed, turning the team’s attention back to the monitors. “So apparently a few years back, Leonard and a few of his buddies tried to start a small recycling business on the outskirts of the warehouse district. Business went bust a few months later, but the building remained under his name.”

“Nothing like an old warehouse to get your crazy psychopathic fix.” Toby muttered those words and the team felt chills run down their spines as they realized just what _exactly_ Toby was talking about. Happy tried to reach for his hand, but he crossed his arms over his chest before she could. “Chances are more than good that _that’s_ where he’s been building his bombs. We get to that warehouse, we learn what his next moves are.”

Cabe nodded, knowing that the best plan of action at the moment was to focus on the case, trying to check in with Toby would probably only end up in more fights and tension, which was the last thing the needed right now. “I’ve put an APB out on this guy, every law enforcement officer in this city is on the look out for him. Happy, if we find prototypes or remnants of his bombs there, would you be able to figure out how to diffuse them, in case there are more out there?”

“Don’t insult me, Cabe.” Happy offered him a weak smirk, already packing her bag as were the others.

“Good. Then let’s roll.”

* * *

“Woah.” Sylvester breathed as the team entered the warehouse, not even bothering to pretend that he wasn’t hiding behind Cabe.

It was a stereotypical abandoned warehouse, looking as if it were from a particularly gruesome serial killer movie. The few halogen bulbs hanging from bare wires was just enough to highlight the dilapidated building. The musty yet sprawling area was mostly empty, save for the far left corner.

The workbench was littered with wires, batteries, tools, and all the other components required to build multiple bombs, with several half-completed ones with mobile phones strapped onto them, just a few clicks away from being live. The wall behind it was plastered with newspaper clippings, maps, surveillance photos of various public areas, all interconnected by a web of crisscrossing red strings.

“Is it just me or do Collins and this guy seem like they'd be instant besties?” Toby muttered as he rummaged over the files nearly stacked in boxes on the floor beside the workbench, ignoring the concerned glances from the rest of team at how he made his kidnapping into yet another joke.

Cabe pressed them for time, though everyone was already acutely aware of the looming deadline. He rattled off their names to know whether they had managed to figure out the location of the next attack from whatever they were looking through. The answers were negative from Paige trying to work out the web on the wall, and Sylvester and Walter scouring every last detail on his computer. Happy only replied to announce that the bombs were relatively complicated even by her standards and that they'd take at least five minutes to defuse. If they found them.

When Toby didn't respond the first two times, Cabe chalked it up to him being stubborn and still holding the grudge, until Sylvester asked pointedly in Toby's direction and asked if he was okay. The team stopped what they were doing to see Toby motionless, almost in a daze, staring blankly at the files and papers that were surrounding him.

Paige held up a hand, motioning for the others to stay back and let her see what was happening. Whatever was clearly troubling Toby, she knew that Happy, Walter and Cabe would only make it worse, and Sylvester was already scared enough.

“Hey,” she sat down beside him. “Did you find anything?”

Toby still didn't answer, continuing to stare at the documents around him. Confused and worried, Paige scanned through whatever she could see, her heart stopping when she saw the most likely source of Toby's numbness.

“Oh god.” She breathed in sharply. “This reminds you of your own mom, doesn't it?”

Happy and Cabe were about to ask her what was wrong, when Walter managed to hack into Leonard's dark web browsing history.

“He had been ordering a plethora of drugs online- clozapine, olanzapine, ziprasidone, lithium citrate and valproate.” He looked up and turned expectantly to Toby. “What are these used for?”

“Acute schizophrenia and BPD. His mother is crazier than all of Belvue combined.” His voice was cold and completely emotionless. He huffed a laugh so harsh that, even despite all their fighting as of late, Happy could have never imagine Toby to to capable of. “With that kind of a childhood, no wonder he grew up to be a sociopath.”

It took a moment for the full implication to sink in for everyone, that this was more than just the case for Toby, it was was forcing him back to his own nightmare of a childhood that he kept trying so hard to escape from. And nobody needed his training to know that it was the last thing he needed in the midst of the stress already on him.

“Do you want to step out for a minute? We can talk it out, if that would help.” Paige tried, but he waved her away, focus back solely on the medical records of Leonard’s mother.

“I know this is hard for you but I'm sure you'd feel much better if you solve the case and catch him, right?” She tried again, and he finally matched her gaze, his eyes so hollow that she was physically taken aback.

“Why? So I can come face to face with the person I would have very likely become? Who I might still become? Because that this rate… I'd say all bets are off, but I can't even use that word anymore.”

Paige glanced up at Happy, who was gripping a screwdriver so hard it was sure to leave marks, before risking to push it one more time. “Toby…”

He stood up abruptly. “Look, Paige, I appreciate that you're trying, but the fact is that you had a pretty good life growing up. You wouldn't understand any of it.”

Toby turned on his heel to walk away from them, sitting down again behind a support beam in the middle of the warehouse, out of sight from the team. They remained in stunned silence for a few moments until Cabe gently urged them to go back to looking for the next target.

Happy joined Paige at the wall, but found herself staring at a thread coming loose on one of the strings than the web itself. Toby still hadn’t returned, though she hadn’t heard the door slam so she knew he was still probably sitting behind the support beam. Paige noticed her obvious agitation and unfocused, blank stare, and told her as gently as possible that the best way to help Toby was to solve the case and make him see how much better a person he is than Leonard.

“You’re wrong,” Happy decided, after turning over every option in her mind. “The best way to help him is to help him now. You might not understand what he went through, but I do.”

“He’s already really upset, I don’t know how much worse it might get if you go and-”

“If he’s mad at me, then at least he won’t have the time to be haunted by his past.” She answered firmly, not waiting for an answer before walking over to Toby, leaving behind a stunned Paige, pleasantly surprised at how much Happy had changed for what she saw as the better.

Happy knew well enough than to try and talk to Toby immediately, so she wordlessly sat down beside him instead. He didn’t move to acknowledge her, not that she had expected him to, but she knew he registered her presence. Eventually, he dropped his head back against the beam with a heavy sigh.

“It could have been me.” It was barely above a whisper, and Happy wasn’t sure if he had been speaking to her or only to himself.

She looked up at him but still didn't say anything, knowing that he needed to get it out on his own time, and not risking setting him off.

“Hell, it _should_ be me.” His voice was stronger now, but she still didn't know if she should respond. “How come I haven't become a sociopath already?”

At that, Happy knew she could keep quiet any longer for Toby to wallow in even more self-hate than he already was. “Because you're not him. You're such a good person, Toby, you couldn't harm another person if you tried.”

“You don't know that.” He turned to her with a soulless gaze.

“I know _you_.” She reached out for his hand, but he pulled away like her touch burned him.

“You sure about that?” He laughed scornfully. “Because I clearly don't know the first thing about you, so how are you so sure that you know anything about me?”

“Toby, I-”

“Face it, Happy.” He snapped, not caring that the empty structure echoed his voice and the others could probably hear him crystal clear. “You don't know a thing about me. This whole time it's always been about poor little Happy’s sob story, and I'm not demeaning what you've been through, but when have you ever cared about my past?”

There was a silence in the air that seemed to suffocate the entire warehouse.

“You barely ever let me say a single word about what I've been through, every time I try to tell you something you  just brushed it off as a pick up line. Well, you can be rest assured that’s the last thing I want to do now.”

When Happy finally spoke again, it was slow and careful as she deliberated over each word before saying it so that she wouldn’t make things even worse. “I know I wasn’t… receptive to everything to were telling me,” she winced as he snorted. “I am so sorry about that, Toby, and I really want to hear everything, if you’d tell me.”

“I don’t need to tell you anything,” he said, equal parts angry and mournful. “Just go read the reports I’ve taken out back there. Our mothers are practically twins in terms of their prognosis.”

Happy was at a loss, what was there to say? “Toby-” She tried, but he shook his head, leaning his head back against the support beam and looking up at the high ceiling.

He immediately regretted the action when it brought him back to only a few months ago, when he had been forced into a very similar position in a very similar building, forced to stare at the jar full of acid and the shaved down floss just above his head, hearing the team brainstorm and finally come up with Tim’s guitar strings plan but unable to look at them due the way _he_ had tied his neck, unable to look at the love of his life for one last time before-

Memories of that day- and that night- came flooding back to the forefront of his mind, fast forwarding, rewinding, pausing, playing, until he barely had any sense of where he really was anymore. He could just make out Happy’s voice calling his name, as if it were a great distance away and muffled, and he was pretty sure he was only imagining her hands gripping his arms, trying desperately to bring him out of his mind and into the present. 

It all happened so fast that Happy didn’t even have the sense to call for the rest of the team for help. One moment Toby had been sitting beside her, them on the verge spiraling back into another fight, and the next, it was like he wasn’t even in his body anymore. He was hyperventilating, his eyes were blank, and wasn't responding to her voice or touch. As she held his arm to shake him, his hands involuntarily clenched into fists and she felt his whole body tense.

The others were still hard at work trying to decipher any clues, not that they would have been of much help either. It was always Toby who got them out of whatever bad place they were in, he had been her silent support the whole time since all those years ago, as she fought to pull Walter out the rabbit hole that Collins’s departure had- _Oh god_.

Looking around the expanse of the warehouse, Happy got it.

* * *

* * *

_I am both better and worse because of you._

_\- Daren Colbert_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time =D


	12. Chapter 12

_ Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings that puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even it it kills them slowly within.  _

_ \- Sigmund Freud _

* * *

* * *

_ The others were still hard at work trying to decipher any clues, not that they would have been of much help either. It was always Toby who got them out of whatever bad place they were in, he had been her silent support the whole time since all those years ago, as she fought to pull Walter out the rabbit hole that Collins’s departure had- Oh god. _

_ Looking around the expanse of the warehouse, Happy got it. _

It wasn’t hard, even for her, to imagine the place criss-crossed with dental floss, that sickeningly sweet smell of so much mint making her queasy to this day, to imagine Toby on a chair against the very support beam they were leaning on right now, to imagine that jar of acid and what would have happened if Tim hadn’t figured the pattern out as soon as he did. 

“Toby,” she implored, pushing his legs down from where he had drawn them to his chest and straddling him to force him to look straight at her. The team was still blissfully ignorant of what was happening a few feet away from them, not that she would have cared even if they were all staring straight at her, her only focus now being to get Toby out of his head and back to her. “Toby, please.”

He was looking at her, though she knew he wasn’t registering any of it yet. “Toby.” She was begging now. “It’s me. We’re safe, all of us, this isn’t what you’re thinking it is. Please, Doc, come back to me.” She cupped his face, kissing his forehead, as she tried to reassure him in every way she could that she was there, that he was safe.

Her voice now practically in his ear, her lips against his face, and her weight on top on him, had him slowly coming back into reality. “Ha- Hap?” He asked, still disorientated, but her steady breath against him worked to calm him down somewhat.

Happy released a huge sigh at him coming back to her, whispering a soft  _ Hey, you’re okay _ as she rested her forehead against his. Toby offered her the smallest of smiles, before holding her a little back as he tried to get his breathing under control. She watched silently, sitting back on his thighs as he did a few cycles of the standard  _ in-for-4-hold-for-7-out-for-6 _ , holding his hands and rubbing circles on his palms. When he finally opened his eyes again, she offered him a small smile that he returned.

“I’m so sorry, Hap, I-”

She shushed him gently. “It’s not your fault, Toby. There’s  _ nothing _ to apologize for, do you hear me?”

He nodded, flipping their hands so he could run his thumbs over her knuckles. This soft affection was the last thing either would have expected with the way their morning had played out, and Toby almost cracked right then and there and was about to tell her about his nightmares, when Walter’s voice turned their attention back to the team.

“Uh guys, this is bad.” 

Looking at each other and sighing heavily, Toby and Happy got up to go over and rejoin the team, staring past  Walter and Sylvester’s shoulders at Leonard’s computer to see a screenshot of an L.A. city map.

“There’s nothing here to go on, son.” Cabe commented, and Walter held up a finger.

“There is when you layer this on top.” He dragged a picture from a folder he had just recovered. “He thought he deleted it-”

“-but the internet is forever.” Sylvester finished, and the team gasped as the two imaged overlayed perfectly, marking Xs not only on the four places already bombed, but another four scattered across the city.

“ _ Four _ more?” Paige whispered, horrified. “Is there any way to figure where he’d go first?”

Cabe’s phone pinged with a message, and he read it before turning back to the team. “Quite possibly, yes. Beat cop just spotted him outside of Granada Hills.”

“Granada Hills? That doesn’t make any sense, what link does he have to Granada Hills?” Toby turned back to the wall that Leonard had made into a makeshift planning board, trying to figure it out, but the intercrossing red strings only served to make the heachache that was building up even worse. 

“Doesn’t matter if it doesn’t make sense. What matters is that we’ve got him surrounded and now we can go in and- kid?” Cabe stopped short as he properly looked at Toby. “Kid, you look terrible.”

“Gee, thanks Cabe.” Even his comeback was much weaker than usual and that’s when everyone knew something was wrong. Paige turned to Happy to just shook her head, a silent communication for the former to please not ask anything out loud. 

“Your place is on the way, we can drop you off before-”

Toby refused at first, mentioning how they might need him there to talk to Leonard, but when Cabe pretty much reassured him that Leonard would more likely be taken out by one of the numerous LEOs flooding the area, he felt his defenses drop and finally nodded his acceptance.

* * *

Toby glanced up when Happy came out of the bathroom later that night, trying to tie her hair up into a french braid, but wincing the moment she lifted her hands. She gave up quickly, pulling her hair into a messy bun as she climbed into bed, still wincing.

“What happened?” Toby frowned. Nothing had happened since she came over with dinner to see how he was doing, after the rest of the team had managed to take down Leonard just in time. He remembered how she hadn’t been as cuddly while watching TV either, though he had equated that, along with her falling asleep against him even before the news ended (as usual, the bombings were the main headline but there was no mention of Team Scorpion), to just exhaustion from the case and previous days. He couldn't remember anything so bad happening to her before the case that would cause this much pain either, so he knew it had to have been while the others were out without him.

Happy tried to brush it off as she slipped under the covers. She turned to her side as was habit, but quickly rolled over to lay on her back, gingerly rubbing her stomach. For a moment Toby thought she was having cramps, but he had never seen it be this bad that she couldn’t do basic actions. He shifted over to her side, pushing the covers down so he could see her better.

“What’s wrong?” He asked again, hand hovering over her midsection, and he knew something was wrong when she preemptively hissed before he even made contact. “May I?” He asked, holding the hem of her shirt, and when she nodded he pulled it up to reveal numerous bruises and scratches covering her stomach.

“Happy-”

“I just fell down some stairs, it’s no big deal.” She tried of brush it off, but he wasn’t buying it. 

“You don’t get this banged up by just falling some some stairs. What really happened?”

“I was chasing him up the fire escape and almost had him, but he kicked me down.” Happy admitted, the last thing she wanted was another fight about honesty. 

Toby’s face clouded with anger. “He- Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

“Because I'm fine. It's just light bruising-”

“This isn't light bruising, Hap. You can't even lift your hands, can you?”

“I'll be okay in a few days, really.”

“Happy,” he groaned, running a hand through his hair in frustration. “Did you at least put anything on it?”

She shook her head. “The bruises should go away by themselves soon enough.”

“There are scratches too, and some of them look pretty deep.” Toby sat back and frowned. “How did I miss this?”

“It doesn't hurt when I walk, only when I use those muscles in particular.”

“Still, there's no way this didn't leave a mark on your shirt.” Toby kept running over the night in his head, but he couldn't recall anything out of the ordinary. 

“I changed before I came, I… I know today already took such a toll on you, I didn't want to bother you further.” 

“Seriously? How could you even think that you being injured is a  _ bother _ to me?” he asked, incredulous. 

“It's not like I'm going to die.” Happy tried to smile. “Today was bad enough as it was, I was just trying to make it easier for you.”

Toby sighed heavily, leaning back against the headboard. “Look, just because I'm still mad at you doesn't mean seeing you hurt doesn't kill me. I don't care if it's a bruise or a bullet hole, you need to tell me, okay?”

“You're right that today was particularly tough. Having to relive everything I went through with my mom was bad enough, let alone being in that damn warehouse...” He trailed off as he gently held her down when she tried to sit up herself, knowing it would hurt too much. “But my parents are already gone, and I’m trying to get over…  _ the other stuff _ as much as I can. I can't do anything about any of it no matter how much I get affected by cases. You, however, I can do something about.”

Happy gently took his hand into hers, squeezing it in silent support. 

“It's not just because I'm a doctor,” he continued, squeezing her hand back in response. “You and the rest of team, you guys are my family now. My parents weren’t there for me when I needed them, and I couldn't be there for them when they needed me. But you guys are always there-  _ you _ are always there- for me, and I'll be damned if I'm not there for you. So  _ please, _ just tell me if something happens, okay?”

She nodded, whispering an okay and resting her head against his thigh. He didn't resist, and she dared to hope that things were getting better, because this was the gentlest and most open he had been with her  _ since _ .  

“I'm sorry I wasn't there today,” he threaded his fingers through her hair as he spoke again, after long enough that she thought he had already fallen asleep sitting up. “And I'm sorry I told Walter to separate us on missions. Your safety is my priority, above anything else that is happening. I can't stand the thought of you being injured without me there to help you. I'm so sorry I let this happen, Hap.”

She smiled against him and rubbed his knee lovingly. “None of it's your fault, but thank you.”

“You should ice that,” he said abruptly, breaking the moment between them as he climbed out of the bed and left the room. Happy heard the freezer door open then close, and Toby came back with an ice pack wrapped in a wash cloth. 

He handed it to her for her to hold it against herself. “Ideally you need to take a warm bath first and then ice it, but since you've already showered just icing it should do for now. Just remember to apply a heat pack after two days to help with the healing.” He had returned to being distant and she sighed to herself. 

“The last time I took a bath was with you.” She looked at him almost woefully, but it had the opposite effect of what she intended. 

Instead of softening, Toby bristled with an almost Walter-like lack of emotion. “Yes, well, that won't be happening tonight.” 

He went into the bathroom and returned with a tube of antibacterial cream. “Apply this on the scratches after icing them.” He paused for a second then added, “And it's better if you sleep without a shirt tonight, or the material might stick to the wounds and make them infected.”

“Wouldn't you like that,” she offered with a weak laugh as she pulled off the shirt of his that she was wearing, but he didn't respond to it as he got back into his side of the bed, so she tried another way. “How are  _ you _ feeling?”

He shrugged non-committedly. “Nothing particular.”

“Toby, please?”

“Look,” he sighed tiredly. “Now that you've seen who I could have become, who I still might become if I can’t get over-” He cut himself off, but continued before she could ask anything about that. “I hope you can appreciate how hard it is for me to keep up this joker persona every day. What I said in Bosnia wasn't just a line, Happy, you have no idea what’s under all of this.”

Happy shut her eyes at his mention of Bosnia. It was the first time she had been honest with herself about her feelings for him, and it had only grown from there. If only it hadn't been for- 

“I know you were telling the truth in Bosnia, you've always been truthful with me.” She reached for his hand again, and he let her hold it though he didn't reciprocate. “But I'm not you, Doc. I can't open up like that and I'm sorry.”

“Oh, I know.” He scoffed harshly. 

“Please know that I'm trying to change. I want this now more than anything. I need you, Toby.”

“Weren't you Cabe's biggest supporter of how people don't change?” He laughed cruelly. “How can you say you're trying to change, when you had zero trust in me to do the same a few months ago?”

She was stunned into silence at how deep his words cut, and he used that opportunity to extract his hand from hers. “I'm sorry you're hurt. I'll check on it again tomorrow, but the tenderness with go away in a few days though the coloring will take a few weeks.”

He turned to his side away from her, knowing her injuries prevented her from following him. 

* * *

The next morning, Happy woke to Toby’s fingers gently ghosting over her stomach. The feeling was so blissfully reminiscent of mornings before her secret had ruined them, when he’d wake her up with the gentlest of touches and kisses, that they’d both get so caught up in they’d often be late for work. The illusion was cracked though, when she blinked open her eyes to see him sitting at the edge of the bed and frowning as he studied her bruises and cut in the morning night, she knew it was out of pure medical concern than anything else.

Still, she creaked out a sleepy “Morning, Doc.” with a sloppy smile, that he couldn’t help but reciprocate.

“How are the bruises?”

Happy paused. She felt much better than yesterday, but she also remembered how Toby had immediately switched to tender and caring once he found out about her injuries. He had opened up about his emotions and his past, and even promised to tell Walter he’d work with her on missions again. Desperate people do desperate things, and Happy was oh so desperate to keep this side of Toby for a little bit longer. After all, given how much she had been lying to and hiding from him for years, how much worse could exaggerating a bit about a few bruises be?

“Still hurts a little.” She made a show of struggling to sit up against the headboard, crossing her arms and hovering them above her stomach.

Toby frowned and told her it would be best if she took a bath and then iced the bruises again before going to work, while he made breakfast. She nodded, sitting against the headboard until he left the room and she heard him rummaging around the kitchen, and then standing up and stretching to figure out how much it really hurt. It was significantly better than she had shown him, and she went to brush her teeth while trying to work out how much longer she would be able to keep up the injury excuse before he got suspicious. 

Turned out it wouldn’t be long. Too busy running estimates and excuses in her head, she completely missed Toby coming into the bathroom to check if she was okay. He stopped short at seeing her brushing her teeth almost like normal, and she herself froze when she saw him in the mirror.

“I thought you could barely sit up, let alone have this range of movement…” His face was expressionless, but his voice conveyed vague anger and disappointment.

Happy tried to explain, but he cut her off. “Haven’t you been lying to me enough as it is, Hap?”

She nodded, biting her lip, and he looked at her expectantly for answers. “Last night you switched back to being soft and open, and I just… I just hoped I could make that last for a few more days.”

“And you thought the best way to have me open up to you, was you lying even more to me?” He was completely dejected now, almost as if he had resigned to the fact that he would never get honesty from her. 

“Toby-”

“What do you want from me, Happy? To pretend like nothing happened and we’re fine, and then to have everything blow up in our faces again a little down the line? You can’t rush me to forgive you on something you’ve been hiding from me for eight years, sweetheart.”

His sincere and unsarcastic use of what had used to be one of his favorite nicknames for her (and she loved it too, though she had never told him), only killed her further. 

“I thought that if you thought it hurt more, then you’d take a bath with me.” Tears were back in her eyes as she looked up at him.

There was a touch of incredulity across his face now. “That’s what you were doing this for? So that I might take a bath with you?”

“Please?” She hated how it came out as a shaky whisper, but it was the most she could muster at the moment.

Toby sighed heavily. “Is a bath really what you want from me?”

“I want to feel like more than just a one night stand or a fuck buddy, because that’s honestly how I’m feeling these days.” She glanced up at him, uncertain how he’d take it, but he was watching her and waiting for her to continue. “So yes, please, take a bath with me and hold me tight. Let me believe for that short time we’re okay. Then go back to this. But I need more for just a few minutes, Doc.”

Toby was silent and just stared at her as he formulated a response to what she just told him. “Hap, you’re the love of my life. How can you even insinuate that I see you like I would a one night stand or a fuck buddy? 

“Because we barely talk or even touch if it’s not absolutely necessary for a case or when we’re having sex. I know you think I’m a cold bitch but I do have feelings, Toby, and they’re absolutely in pieces right now.” 

“I don’t think that of you, not for a second.” 

“Really, because we go back and forth and it’s killing me.” 

He looked at her with tired eyes and leaned against the counter. “It’s killing me too. If a bath will help show you that, then fine. I’ll take a bath with you.”    


“Thank you.” She smiled at him with her lips curved up. 

Toby shrugged and she didn’t say anything, only turned to start the water for the bath. When it was full and warm enough, Happy moved the drain stopper into place and watched the tub fill up. Once it was ready, she looked over her shoulder at him. “Ready, Doc?” 

“Yeah.” He quickly undressed as she did and stepped into the water, his hand held out for her to join him. 

Taking it, they sat down together and she held his hands. Normally he’d press against her and nuzzle into her neck whispering suggestive things he wanted to do to her. The memory alone made her feel worse and she squeezed her eyes shut. 

“Since you’re feeling better, what still hurts?” 

“Well, I’m still bruised and those cuts will take time to heal like you said, but I’ve got motion back mostly full range. I’ll be back to normal in a few days.” 

“You will be.” The implication behind his words weren’t lost on her and she exhaled weakly. 

The way Toby was so tense behind her was becoming unbearable. Pushing herself forward, she turned with a small wince. “If you don’t want this, then just get out and get ready for work. I’ll be fine alone.” 

“It’s fine,” he told her, a coldness to his voice she’d never get used to. As he pulled her back, his fingers brushed over the cuts on her abdomen. “I told you I’d take a bath with you and I keep my word.” 

Happy knew that was a dig at her but refused to take the bait. Instead, she leaned back and closed her eyes to appreciate how warm he was despite the chilly attitude towards her from him. 

As the water cooled off, Toby drew his legs up when he felt her shiver. “I’ll start breakfast and will dress the cuts when you’re dry. Just wear my robe when you get out. Then we have to get to work.” 

He stood before she could respond and grabbed a towel to wrap around his waist. Without a backward glance he was gone from her view and she sighed. Reaching forward to drain the tub, she thought to herself how this didn’t go anything like she’d hoped.  _ Just when I thought this couldn’t get any worse _ .

\---

Their iciness from that morning continued into the garage, and seemed to permeate the structure. At first everyone, even Paige and Sylvester, gave Toby space, knowing that the previous day’s case was tough on him and that he would need time alone to gather his thoughts and deal with decades-old trauma that had literally bubbled up to the surface overnight. But Toby never turned on them, and though Cabe was stuck in meetings at Homeland, even with Walter it was only the same guarded distance since the reveal, without any additional flare up. Happy seemed to be the only one he was being particularly hard on, and none of the others could see an obvious reason as to why.

“Did something happen last night?” Paige had dared to ask Happy earlier. “Because this seems to be about more than just Leonard’s mom hitting too close to home.”

Happy’s  _ leave me alone _ glare had more than answered for her, though Paige could make out the regret and sadness from under the surface anger. Sighing, she had promised to try and get Toby to talk to her, though it proved to be much far easier said than done. Finally, the liaison resorted to asking Toby to please grab her a file from the back, where Happy was conveniently working on her motorcycle.

Happy knew Toby would never cross over to the back of his own will, and gratefully took advantage of Paige’s doing to pull him aside. She couldn’t bear how he hadn’t said a single word to her since stepping out of the bath almost seven hours ago. “Are you really freezing me out again just because I wanted to take a bath with you, for the first time since god knows when?”

He shrugged coldly. “What if I am?”

Happy hugged her jacket around herself. “All these weeks and we have barely had a single moment of intimacy that wasn’t sex. Was this really too much to ask?”

"But that’s just the thing, Hap,” Toby sighed heavily. “You  _ didn’t _ ask. You just thought that you could get away with using me to whichever way you want and is convenient for you. Again.”

She tried to retort, but he wasn’t done just yet. “I would have considered it if you just had the courtesy to ask straight up. It's your lying to me again that’s pissing me off."

At least Happy had the decency to show signs of guilt and remorse, but there was still a guarded edge as she tried to justify herself. "Considered it? But would you have?"   
  
"Are you really insinuating that a five minute bath is more important to you than honesty and building back my trust in you that you absolutely shattered?" Toby steeled himself. "I know you're more physical than emotional, Happy, but this is just insane. In the worst fucking way."   
  
She felt the familiar stinging in the back of her eyes, but refused to show weakness. "I just wanted some sense of normalcy back, Toby."   
  
He set his jaw. "And what exactly is your definition of 'normalcy'? Because it's increasingly looking to be the dynamic where you manipulate everything and leave me lied to and in the dark."   
  
"Why can't you stop being so difficult and try to make some progress in this instead?" She ground out, and that's when Toby exploded.    
  
"Why can't I- seriously? All I'm doing is trying to make progress! Whether it's talking to Rory, or Paige, and especially when I'm with you, what else do you think I'm trying to achieve with all that except to make progress? Can't you see that you're the one who’s reverted everything by lying to me again?”

Happy hissed his name to try and get him to lower his volume, but she knew that there really wasn’t any point. They had all learnt a long time ago how much the garage echoes and amplifies the quietest conversation, no doubt the entire team had already heard most, if not all, of what they’d just said.

If anything, that set Toby off even more. “What’s wrong, Happy? Don’t want the team to know how you  _ still _ haven’t learned your lesson that nothing good will come from lying?”

“I get it, Doc!” she exclaimed, exasperated. “I screwed up again, and I’m sorry. Can you stop rubbing it in?”

Toby ran a hand down his face. “Stop expecting me to-”

“Guys?” He was interrupted by Paige popping in. “Toby, thank god I found you. The file was actually on my desk the whole time, I have no idea how I didn’t see it before. Oh, and Sylvester is stuck on this sum and he wanted to see if you knew how to solve it.” The liaison clearly didn’t care about how lame her excuse was as she all but dragged Toby away, offering Happy a small smile.

Happy sat down heavily on her workbench that she had in the back, the full consequences of what she had done finally catching up with her. Toby was right, she knew, she had completely reverted weeks of trying to patch things back together just for a five minute respite from the tension surrounding them. And now that tension had hiked back up to where they had been in the days immediately following the reveal, and she only had herself to blame.

She made out Walter stepping into the back a few minutes later, but could not bring herself to acknowledge him even when he sat down beside her on the bench. 

“We were under the assumption that Toby was… riled up again today due to being traumatised by the memories of his past, but that clearly isn’t the only issue in play here. Paige and Sylvester have got him, and I thought it might be beneficial that you are not left alone either. What exactly-”

“Don’t ask, Walt, I’m not going to tell you.” She kept her eyes locked on some of her tools strewn across the floor around them. “But I think it’s suffice to say that I destroyed whatever precious little progress we had been making.”

“I guess that’s the problem with us, isn't it?” Walter tried to offer a weak smile, but Happy shook her head firmly.

“No more hiding behind the excuse of being a robot or not having EQ, look where that got me.” 

“It’s not merely an excuse though,” Walter tilted his head a little. “We are biologically programmed to have a lower EQ than normals, just like how our IQ is higher.”

“If we’re such geniuses, how come we keep screwing up the most important things to us?”

“I don’t-”

Happy turned to face him. “Word of advice, O’Brien, if you ever want to be with Paige, tell her. Don’t ever keep anything from her, or it’s going to be the biggest mistake you might never be able to undo.”

“Paige and I, our… situation, it’s very different from yours and Toby’s.” Walter blinked, and Happy sighed..

“Is it really, Walt? You’re too scared to tell Paige you love her, I was too scared to tell Toby the truth. And we’re smart enough to know that both hurt just as bad.”

He nodded slowly, mulling over her words. “There is a quote that a lot of people like to refer to, something about it being better to have loved and lost than to have never- no?” He cut himself off when Happy started shaking her head.

“Take it from me, neither option hurts less than the other. Be it when I was denying my feelings for Toby, or now when I so desperately want him but I don’t know if we can ever get back to what we had, both hurt. I honestly can’t tell you that either was a better choice.”

The familiar sound of a mug of pencils being knocked over, followed by Sylvester indignant squeal of protest and laughter from Toby and Paige, interrupted Walter before he could reply. He turned back to see Happy gazing longingly at the opening to the main area, and remembered how it was her and Toby who had started the idea of pranking Sylvester, even before the team became what it was today. 

“I can try to talk to him, if you want. Tell him what you told me, he’ll probably appreciate it.”

Happy shrugged. “I’ve been trying to talk to him for weeks, but we always manage to spiral everything into a fight and… you can try, I don’t know if it will fix anything though.”

Walter nodded. “I might as well try. You did just tell me that if I have something to say, then I should say it.”

“Thanks, Walt.” She smiled at him gratefully 

“You might want to reserve the thanks for if I make any progress.” He raised an eyebrow as they both stood up and made their way back to the main area of the garage. 

“Toby?” The trio gathered around Sylvester’s desk turned around as Walter approached them. “May I talk with you for a minute, please?”

Toby made a grumbling noise in the back of his throat, and Paige and Sylvester patted his back in support as he walked over to Walter. “I don’t care what she has told you, but I’m not-”

“Happy didn’t tell me anything.”

“Finally did something right for once, then,” Toby muttered in her direction before turning back to Walter. “Don’t expect anything from me either.”

“You can’t make any progress if you don’t talk it over, Toby.” Walter glanced over at Happy, who nodded solemnly.

Toby burst into a scathing laughter. “Well, if it isn’t Dr. Phil. Which crap of a self-help book did you pick  _ that _ out of?” He turned to glare at Happy. “Quincy, again?” 

Walter’s sigh drew his attention back to him. “Hasn’t this been going on for long enough?”

“ _ This _ has been going on for long enough?” Toby wasn’t as belligerent anymore, more disappointed than anything. “A couple of months is too long for you, huh? That’s funny, because when it comes to other issues, you’re more than cool with pushing eight years.”

“Toby,” Walter resigned, his posture slumping. “You know I don’t have… I’ve never had much experience with… I just want to be a good friend, to all of you.” 

Paige and Sylvester exchanged surprised glances, never having seen Walter open up like that. Toby felt a pang run through him, remembering how Walter was basically quoting himself verbatim from the night after the earthquake. The night when…

“I just didn’t know how to handle- balance- between… I promised Happy I wouldn’t tell anyone, but I also should have known how much it would affect you. ” He sighed heavily. “I know I have problems with relationships, but I never thought it would result in ramifications this serious. I made the wrong choice, I see that now. But I don’t know how to make this better if you can’t accept that I’m- that  _ we _ are trying to make up for that.”

Toby was silent as he took in Walter’s words. They was almost a perfect replay of what he had said five months ago, which, looking back from where they currently were, was practically a lifetime ago. He knew that Walter was truly apologetic, trying to get at it in his usual rambling, socially awkward way. Toby did appreciate the effort,  _ it’s so much better than what Happy tried to pull today _ , his mind mocked him.

He started honestly thinking about letting Walter off the hook, knowing that he was basically in the same boat as Sly, if a bit less innocent in that Happy would have listened to him is he had tried to talk to her. But still, as much as Toby would have appreciated it if Walter, and Cabe, had told him, he knew that if Happy had just gotten her stuff together, Walter wouldn’t have needed to tell him at all. That should have always been Happy’s job.

“Look, Toby,” Walter ran a hand over his face, mistaking the former’s silence for antagonism and moving to de-escalate yet another screaming match before it could begin. “I’m sorry. You’re right, I let this happen when I had the power to stop it. Even if I didn’t tell you, I should have at least talked to her about it after finding out about your relationship, to make sure what happened didn’t happen.”

Toby leaned back against the desk behind him, studying Walter carefully. The head genius waited for a response, but when Toby didn’t reply for over a minute, he figured it would be better and less confrontational to end the conversation and try again at another time. But just as he was about to walk away, Toby voice drew his attention back to him.

“You do have cameras in this place, right?”

“Wh-what?”

“With pretty good audio?”

“Toby, I don’t-”

“You just admitted that you were wrong and I was right,” Toby grinned gleefully. “I need to get that tape and borrow your fancy editing software, I mean this needs to go down in history.”

If the rest of the team wasn’t already paying rapt attention to the conversation, they certainly were now. This one hundred and eighty degree turn in tone was the last thing they had been expecting, for a brief moment it was like the cheery Toby had never left. Walter crossed his arms across his chest as he tried to formulate a response. 

“You don’t need to take such a defensive stance, 197,” Toby ribbed. “I’m asking for your Photoshop on steroids, not an AK-47.”

Careful glances were exchanged across the team, as they tried to wrap their heads around Toby’s sudden return to his old demeanour. He noticed, of course, and sighed, though it was more of a playful exasperation than the anger that had been suffocating the garage.

“Yes, you should have done something when you found out that Happy and I were dating, to make sure that this never happened. Though to be fair,” That signature smirk was back on his face, “I’m sure you were too busy playing with your cotton candy machine and jet skis to go talk to her.”

The stunned silence in the garage was broken by Paige. “Toby?” She took a step forward toward the two of them, a hopeful smile on her face. “Does this mean…?”

He nodded at her, then turned to offer Walter a small sideways smile. “This isn’t the second world war, I don’t need to keep fighting on so many fronts. Yes, I’m still pissed off and hurt that you didn’t bother to do anything about it, but you shouldn’t have needed to lead the charge in the first place.” 

“There’s still stuff to iron out, but,” he extended a hand toward Walter. “We good?”

Walter stared at Toby for a few seconds, still in disbelief at how quickly things had gotten better, but recovered soon enough to shake his hand firmly. “We’re good.”

“Oh, come here, you.” Toby laughed as he pulled Walter in for a hug. The latter gave a squeak of surprise, resisting when Toby started ruffling his hair. 

“Okay, let go.” He tried to push Toby away. “Toby, I will fire you if you don’t-”

“What’s this?” The two jumped apart as Cabe’s voice came from behind them. The agent looked cautiously at Paige, who was beaming as she offered him two thumbs up. 

Toby shoved Walter away and turned to Cabe, running a hand through his hair as he tried to get his thoughts in order before speaking. “Like I told Walt, the fact that you knew about all of this and didn’t do anything to make sure all of this didn’t happen, that sucks. But it also wasn’t your responsibility to come clean, and all this fighting is  _ inefficient for business _ ,” he mocked good naturedly, and Walter rolled his eyes but smiled all the same. “So…” He stretched out his hand again, for Cabe this time.

“You try to hug me, my gun is perfectly in line to shoot a clean line through your gut.”

“He means my six-pack abs,” Toby grinned, patting his stomach proudly as he shook Cabe’s hand.

“Good to have you back, kid.” Cabe smiled, though it faded when Toby uttered a “Mostly” nodding almost imperceptibly in Happy’s direction.

“But I’ll never stop working on getting there,” he promised as he headed back to his desk, trying to reach for Walter’s hair again on the way. 

Nothing else was said after about that crucial step forward, but the atmosphere in the garage was so much lighter than it had been for the past couple of months. There was still a cloud hanging over them because everyone knew that though Toby had made up with everyone else, he and Happy were in the midst of another fight, but the events of the day had given hope that even that would resolve, sooner than later. 

It was that hope that prompted Happy to go over to his desk a few hours later, when Cabe had gone back to Homeland for another meeting, Paige had taken Sylvester to pick up Ralph as well as grab dinner on the way, and Walter had his head buried in another experiment in the loft. 

“Toby?”

He looked up drearily, all the smiles from earlier gone. “Yes?” 

She sighed and trained her eyes on the wood grain of the table. “It was great what you did with Walt and Cabe today, they… they really needed that. And I was wondering,” She started playing with the edge of one of his journals. “I know I really screwed up today, I don’t know what I was thinking when I thought I could-”

“Nothing.” Toby snatched the journal from her. “You weren’t thinking, Happy, that’s the entire the problem. You weren’t thinking, not about me anyway.”

She repeated his name, pleading this time, but he remained colder than ever. “You said I could go back to being distant if I took that stupid bath with you this morning. I did what you asked of me, so the least you can do is return the favor.”

Happy had to physically take a step back, stunned by the iciness and belligerence in his tone. “Are you saying that you want me leave you alone?”

“Some space would be appreciated, yes.”

She nodded, keeping her gaze level and not betraying any emotion. “Fine,” She accepted, stepping away from his desk. “You want space, you got it.”

Toby didn’t bother a response beyond a distracted hum before returning to his book.    


* * *

Three days since the bath fiasco following the bomber case, and the only times Toby had spoken to Happy were to ask her to pass him whatever ingredient or utensil he had needed when Paige had organised another family dinner the previous night to celebrate the thawing of at least some relationships. But Happy hadn’t spoken to Toby even then, managing to twist around in the small and overcrowded kitchen to make sure that she never had to stand immediately next to him either.

Toby couldn’t help but feel a bit put off at that, how she had stopped being apologetic or trying to get him to talk, and instead acting like they were living on different planets. Even now when he was studying her working on some circuit, he knew that she knew he was watching her, but she hadn’t so much as looked in his direction the whole morning. Unable to take the silence between them any longer, he finally decided to bite the bullet and go talk to her, though he couldn’t stop himself from turning it into a snide.

“You haven’t come around in a while.” Toby walked up to her and braced his palms on the edge of her desk. “Let me guess, you’ve found hubby and rekindled your magic, and now you’re having second thoughts about getting divorced?”

Happy jumped when he spoke suddenly- though she knew he had been watching her for the better part of the morning, she hadn’t seen him come up to her. And, frankly, after three days of almost complete radio silence she hadn’t been expecting too much. His words sunk in slowly, obviously him trying to prompt another fight from her, but she refused to take the bait. “I’m not coming around because you told me not to.” She kept her voice level. “You wanted distance, I’m giving you distance.”

It was clearly not the direction Toby had been expecting the conversation to go, but he recovered quickly. “Since when do you actually listen to the things I say?” he scoffed. “Usually you just bulldoze your way through without a second thought to how I would feel.”

“You know I’m trying to change all of that.” She softened her voice, willing to be the party that backed down because she really wouldn’t be able to bear yet another screaming match. “I want you, Toby, so much more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. I want you, but not if you don’t want me.”

He raised an eyebrow at her. “So is that what you think this has been about? That I don’t want you? Hell, Hap, if I didn’t want you I could have found a million other girls by now. The only reason I’m fighting is  _ because _ I want you.”

She winced at his mention of finding another girl. As much as she trusted his word that there’d never be anyone else unless she herself asked him to walk away, the possibility that he might just snap and find them not worth all this trouble and pain still kept her up at night. 

“But these days fighting is all we seem to be doing, Doc. And sex, but even that isn’t really-”

“Are you saying you don’t want sex?” He spoke carefully. “Happy, sex is all we’ve got right now that we’re still compatible with. I’m not being a perv when I say I want that to continue. I do want you, and right now, that’s the only way I see us keeping our connection.” 

“I do want it too,” She tried to reach for his hand but he pulled it away. “I know that it’s the only thing we’ve got going for us now and I do want it. It just... “ She sighed heavily. “I don’t want to be intimate with you if one of us has to sneak off right after.”

“You’re the one who sneaks off, sweet pea.” He looked at her, the nicknames he had used to call her with such love and adoration now reduced to groans of tired exasperation. “At least I have the decency to tell you I’m going home.”

Happy shut her eyes tightly at him bringing up her actions after the gala. “Toby, you know I regret-”

“If you don’t want to leave, we can spend the nights over then. That’s fine with me.”

She snapped her head up to look at him, because  _ that _ stung. Staying over was never a question even at the very start of their relationship. When she verbalized that, Toby just set his jaw. “Yeah, well, trust was never a question at the start of our relationship either.”

He must have seen the way her face crumpled, because he softened his stance then. “Look, Hap, I still love you. So much. You need to know that.” She nodded, and this time he reached out to cover her hand with his. “I know I’ve been making things difficult, but it’s because I have so many issues to work through. It doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop wanting you.”

Seeing her smile ever so slightly prompted him to continue. “This… arrangement we have, it’s the furthest thing from healthy or ideal, but honestly, I don’t know how else to go about this. If we lose the physical side of us as well…” He trailed off and sighed. “I don’t think I was the only one who found these three days the longest of my life, right?”

Happy nodded again, biting her lip before speaking softly. “I know what you mean, whatever little connection we have is infinitely better than having nothing at all.” She looked up at him somewhat nervously. “I… I missed you.”

One look at her and Toby didn’t have the heart to not lighten the atmosphere. He offered her a grin, much weaker than the ones that were characteristic of him, but still something nonetheless. “Missed me, or missed me getting you off?” She glanced up at him in disbelief, never having expected him to crack a joke during the conversation. “How about you come over sometime, hmm? We can talk more openly at home.”

A small, grateful smile played across her lips, but then she looked down and furrowed her eyebrows. “Could you? Whenever you want is fine, I just can’t bear to… if you don’t want me to be there when I do come around-”

“I will never turn you away, Happy.” He squeezed her hand to get her to look at him again. “Yeah, I do have some other stuff going on, but you’re always going to be my priority. Though if you want me to come over instead, I can’t wait. Tonight?”

Happy nodded, and Toby smiled, squeezing her hand again in confirmation. Just as he was about to walk back to his desk, Paige jogged up to them, eying their still intertwined hands approvingly. “It’s great that you guys are working things out, and I was thinking, maybe I could help expedite it?” She slipped a piece of paper onto Happy’s desk. “I took the liberty of signing you two up for a few sessions with Rizzuto.”

* * *

* * *

_ Sharing how you feel and what's real for you may be scary... But every time you hold back truth, you make fear more important than love. This is why the depth of your ability to love will always be mirrored by your ability to be honest. It's really as simple as that. _

_ \- Mark Groves _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time =D


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took us longer to get done because work, school, and getting sick got in the way. We apologize and hope you enjoy this longer than usual update. Thanks for reading!

_Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence._

_\- The Little Prince_

* * *

* * *

“Sure thing,” Toby said dismissively to a question he didn’t pay attention to. “It's not like it didn't take all of my convincing to let me drive with her here. Some progress, huh?” His pointed stare at Rizzuto didn't let up and rather than answer him, he turned to Happy.

She was stewing in her seat and rolled her eyes as usual. There was so much that happened in the last week that her head still spun and with how things were changing every day, when she woke up that morning all she wanted was space. “You refuse to drive in with me to work most mornings. Why is this different, Doc?”

“Oh, I don't know?” He pulled a face she sneered at. “Maybe because _we're supposed to be making actual progress_.”

“Well,” Rizzuto cut in, “the whole purpose for you two being here is to have progress. Which doesn’t happen overnight. You know that, as a fellow therapist.”

“No,” Toby said crossing his arms. “I’m a Harvard trained psychiatrist with an up-to-date medical license. You got your degree online somewhere and have zero right to call yourself a doctor.”

“Now, now, Tobias.” He was decidedly unruffled as he sat back in his chair and met Toby’s look. “Deflecting your anger onto me and away from what is really bothering you won’t help you and Miss Quinn at all. Isn’t that what you want?”

Toby raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips. “From the way you’re sitting comfortably in that chair I see you cleared up those hemorrhoids.”

Rizzuto smiled. “Yes, I have. Good observation.” Happy's look of disdain wasn't missed by either man and Rizzuto said he still wasn't embarrassed. “But enough deflecting. Why are you here? What do you hope to achieve?”

“What I want is for this all to be a bad dream that I’ll wake up from it,” he grumbled. “But I know that won’t happen. So I’m dealing with it and will get there in time.”

“And how are you ‘getting there’ as you put it?” Rizzuto’s use of finger quotes had Toby rolling his eyes again.

“Definitely not with her pulling one eighties on her moods every few days.” He muttered, interrupting Happy before she could protest. “Just take these past twenty four hours, can you really deny what I said?”

Rizzuto asked what exactly had happened in the past day, and Toby didn’t bother hiding the bitterness in his voice as he gave him a brief recap.

_The entire drive to Rizzuto’s office across town, Toby was seething and snuck sideways glances at Happy when he could take his eyes off the road for a second. She steadfastly didn’t make eye contact_ _, turning her body so tightly that her only field of vision would be out the passenger side window,_ _and that only served to piss him off even more._

_He_ _had_ _thought they were making real progress with reconnecting after she lied to him about her injuries._ _While i_ _t still stunned him how she_ _continued to manipulate_ _him when she wanted something, it stunned him even more that what she wanted now was the non-sexual physical intimacy she used to balk at._ _But even so, Toby was willing to let those emotions take the backseat in favor of trying to improve things between them, only to have them hit an all time low the morning she tried to trick him._ _That bath the morning after the bomber case was a frigid memory, a memory where Toby was so detached emotionally from her that he didn’t know he had that in him._

_After days of stewing and avoiding each other, Paige’s announcement that she signed them up for therapy was a welcome relief. Neither were keen on the idea but given the state of their relationship,_ _both were so desperate for_ some _improvement that_ _neither Toby nor Happy could argue against it. Paige was pleasantly surprised and told them their_ first _session was the next day at noon_ _, adding almost gleefully when they noticed her point of emphasis, that Rizzuto had agreed to as many sessions as it would take to make sure they started making some real progress._

_Toby had gone over to Happy’s that night as he had promised, and things had seemed fine- their current status quo definition of fine, at least- throughout cooking dinner and eating dinner, and even cleaning up after. But when Toby had suggested they cuddle up on the couch and watch some mindless television until they wanted to go bed, she had stiffened and started retreating back behind her walls._

“Okay, then what do you want to do?” Toby tried to bite back the anger that was bubbling up yet again.

But Happy just shrugged, mumbling negative responses to whatever he could think of to suggest, until the patience he forced himself to have started wearing thin.

“Please, Happy,” he sighed, sitting back down at the table and gently pulling her down to sit next to him, pretending to ignore how she shifted her chair just that much away from him. “Give me something to work with here, things can’t keep on being like this.”

“Could you leave?” She has said it so softly that he was almost able to convince himself he had misheard, but when she repeated it a little louder, that was when Toby couldn’t keep up the facade anymore.

“Fine.” He stated coldly, more hurt than anything, as he grabbed his jacket and stalked to the door. “Excuse me for trying to make this better between us.”

He slammed the door behind him, and it was only when the bang stopped echoing around her empty apartment that she realized it was the first time, even in the weeks following her bombshell, that he had left without even trying to kiss her goodnight.

_It was no surprise then,_ _when Toby got to the garage that morning,_ _that_ _Happy was under her welding helmet and_ _hadn’t so much as glanced up at him in the three hours before their appointment._ _He had to risk physical impairment to let her know they had to leave as traffic would be more of a hell if they waited._

_Sitting behind the wheel of his Monte Carlo, Toby turned over in his head what could have made her pull back so dramatically as she had in less than twelve hours._ _She had actually seemed hopeful, promising, after their talk the previous afternoon just before Paige had informed them about their sessions with Rizzuto, and even dinner had gone over smoothly by recent standards. But then she had done a complete turnabout at him just asking her if she wanted to watch television together, it made no sense._

_While his moods were back and forth, and he allowed himself those, her being back and forth wasn’t okay._ She’s the reason for all this _, he told himself._ She lied, repeatedly, and now has the nerve to keep me out. How dare she?! _He snuck another glance at her, but only saw the back of her head and he knew that while she was with him physically, her mind probably miles away and mulling over god knows what. That served to rile him up more._ When I get upset at her continuing to manipulate and lie to me, I’m in the wrong. But she’s allowed to pull back whenever she feels like for no clear reason? _It took all of Toby's willpower to keep his eyes on the road and not explode at her while driving._

“So, as you can see, she’s the one pushing me away. At least I’m trying to make some progress, even though I’m not the one who fucked up.”

Happy almost jumped up as she asked him what exactly he meant by that, and he shrugged so coolly that she clenched her hands into fists. “Whenever I’m the one to mess up, it’s always up to me to beg and grovel for your forgiveness. But when you make such a colossal mistake, guess what? The responsibility to make things better _still_ falls on me.”

“Interesting,” Rizzuto picked up on what Toby just said. “So I gather you’ve made some missteps yourself then, Tobias?”

“I never said I was perfect,” Toby practically snapped, still staring at Happy. “I can actually admit to my mistakes. Unlike _some_ people.”

“I have _never_ -”

Happy’s outburst was cut off by a loud, annoying buzz, and Toby finally turned to Rizzuto with raised  eyebrows. “So even you could tell she was going to lie before she even finished, huh?” He turned back to Happy with a smug glint.

“Not exactly,” Rizzuto admitted, looking much less self-assured than he had ever been. “It was more of stopping you two from starting another fight so I could get a word in.”

“Look, the truth is, I normally don't do ‘couples therapy’ in the traditional sense,” he admitted, and despite the anger between them, Toby and Happy shared a look of _what the hell are we doing here?_. “But, because Miss Dineen told me that you two work together and always pair off on cases…” He trailed off, and Happy huffed and mumbled something Rizzuto didn't catch.

“What was that, Happy? This is a safe space and please speak so that we all might hear what you have to say.”

She glared at him and then glanced over at Toby. “He,” the disgust dripping as she referred to Toby, “asked Walter to separate us on cases.”

“Interesting,” Rizzuto said as he sat back and held his chin in a pensive pose. “Why do you think you did that, Tobias?”

“Probably so that she wouldn’t aggravate me to the extent that I mess up and therefore literally blow up the entire world.”

Happy scoffed at that. “Oh please, you screw up more than enough on your own. I’m the one who always has to save your stupid ass.”

“You’re the one who has to save me, huh?” Toby turned to her. “Need I remind you that if it weren’t for me, you’d probably have ended up dead on our very first overseas case?”

She was stunned into silence at that, neither of them had ever referred to Bosnia with anything but warmth, even she admitted that it was the first major breakthrough moment for them. Rizzuto sensed that the weight of what Toby had just said was much more than it appeared to be on the surface, but he didn’t risk asking them to elaborate on that, in favor of taking advantage of the moment of quiet to try and soften the mood in the room.

“It’s clear from what you both have just revealed that you need to work together to make things succeed, both at work and in your personal lives. From what I gather about your work, you are put in some extreme situations and have to come up with very creative solutions to get out of them. Why not apply that to your relationship?”

Happy bit her lip hard before she answered, admitting how she didn’t like discussing her feelings but would do whatever it takes to repair her relationship with Toby. “I promise, Doc.” She looked straight at him with determination burning in her eyes, and he gave her a small smile.

“I know you’re trying, Hap, and I really do appreciate it. It just… God, it’s so hard when it’s taking so much longer than I thought it would.”

“You think? You’re not the only one finding it hard.” She took the dig and immediately regretted it when his softer expression gave way to anger and frustration yet again.

Toby told her how he was blinded by his love for her and refused to see her faults. “Well, Happy, my eyes are wide open now and while I'm in this for the long run, I can't ignore where we're unhealthy anymore.”

“Would you expand on that please, Tobias?” Rizzuto asked, earning him a glare from Toby, but the latter obliged.

“I've always loved her more than she loved me. I’ve known that from the start, and I was okay with that. Until I realized she was hiding a huge part of herself that she thought I didn’t need to ever know about.”

Happy looked down and and linked her fingers together, unable to bring herself to look at Toby when she couldn’t lie to him again knowing what he said was true. Rizzuto noticed her actions and asked why.

“That's easy,” Toby jumped in before Happy could respond. “She ‘didn't want to.’” His usage of air quotes made Happy cringe.

“Check the animosity, Tobias,” Rizzuto warned. “Allow Happy the opportunity to speak and then you’ll get your turn. Don’t think an earthquake will cut our session short.” His attempt at joking only annoyed Toby further.

Looking at him with derision, Toby rolled his eyes. “It would take a nuclear apocalypse and we’ve already faced that, more than once.”

She took a deep breath before exhaling slowly, almost as if to buy herself more time though she knew there was no chance for that. “The reason I didn’t… the reason I didn’t tell Toby about Dylan was because I didn’t want to change the way Toby looked at me. This secret, my marriage, it changes everything and I didn’t want to accept that.”

“And what made you accept it now, Happy?” Rizzuto was back to gentle in his tone and Happy’s trepidation shone clear as day.

Exhaling shakily, she looked him in the eyes and spoke softly. “I couldn’t say yes when Toby proposed. I wanted to more than anything but I couldn’t. It took that happening for me to realize that I can’t lose my best friend.” She tried to take Toby’s hand but he pulled away. “And that’s you, Doc, it’s always been you.”

Toby inched away and tensed even more. “Why couldn’t you trust me?” Despite his body language, his eyes betrayed the anger and she saw how broken he felt. “People have prior relationships, Hap, and they get divorced. Hell, I was nearly married myself before. What hurts me most is the lie and secrecy of it. The entire team knew yet I don’t remember a single time you mentioned his name.”

She moved closer and there was nowhere for him to go with the arm of the couch blocking him in. But she stopped short of touching him again.

“And why haven’t you mentioned him, Happy? Have you at least talked about this to the members of your team who did know about him, to try and work things out even if Tobias didn’t know about any of it?”

“Probably because in her world, not talking about the problem is the number one way to pretend it doesn’t exist.” Toby muttered, and Rizzuto shot him a warning glare to tell him to let Happy answer this one herself.

She didn’t speak for a while, and when she finally did, it was after taking a deep breath. “Toby’s right.” She admitted, having the decency to look ashamed of her behavior that even Toby didn’t have it in him to retort or be smug about it. “I know it’s not healthy, but… but I tell myself that the more I can act like nothing happened, or not let anyone in, the less I’ll be hurt when everything crashes and burns around me like they almost always do.”

“How much more is it going to take for you to learn that life doesn’t work that way, Hap?” Toby’s voice was much softer this time, how heartbroken he was showing through the anger.

Rizzuto looked at Happy and then at Toby before speaking. “Happy, you distance from others because you feel that they're going to leave you anyway. That's no way to build meaningful relationships.”

Toby muttered under his breath. “That's an understatement.”

“Hey,” Happy snapped, the anger back in her. “That's not fair and you know it.”

“Why is that?” Rizzuto’s voice was annoyingly calm and she glared before glancing back at Toby.

“I have been trying, for months with him.” He went to cut her off but she knew where he was going and stopped him. “Before you proposed. Do you seriously think I'd have started with you if I just wanted a fuck buddy?”

“I don’t know,” Toby told her in barely a whisper.

If anything he said broke her before, this had her near tears and she sniffled. “Never,” she said. “I know that I’m no good at the emotional stuff you love, but I’ve made the effort with you _because I’m in love with you_. None of this is easy, but I’m trying because I want you.”

“Why date when married then?” Toby asked.

“It’s not-” she all but growled at how she couldn’t find the words to express herself. “The marriage was over long ago. We were young and didn’t get a divorce because-”

“Because why?” Rizzuto prodded, hoping to help her.

She closed her eyes and as she was about to speak, Toby cut her off. “I don’t want to hear more of your excuses, Happy. Or how blissful your married life was.”

Both sensing the change in the room, Rizzuto sat back. “I’m sensing jealousy, Tobias. Are you threatened by the fact your lady love had a meaningful relationship before you?”

“Stop it,” Happy said sitting forward. “Neither of you know what my relationship with Dylan was like so don’t speak for me.”

“But you loved him,” Toby stated sourly.

With gritted teeth, she gave him the side eye. “I wouldn’t call it love, it was nothing like how I feel for you. At all, we got married for-”

Again, Toby cut her off. “What part of ‘I don’t want to hear this’ are you not comprehending?”

“Tobias,” Rizzuto cautioned. “The entire purpose of our sessions are to understand and discuss the things that have been kept secret. If you won’t allow Happy to tell you what she’s feeling then you have no right to criticize her for being closed off.”

“You’re taking her side?” Toby accused, laughing bitterly at how Happy fell back against the couch with aggravation. “All I’ve wanted was for her to trust me, to want to be with me and finally be honest. I thought I had that but then she _pulled the rug right out from under me_. I’ll admit, I never saw that one coming.”

His bitterness back in full swing now, Toby added salt to the wound with his next words. “It’s what you do, Happy, you protect yourself at the expense of everyone else.”

Her mouth opened and they saw her eyes fill with tears she carefully blinked back. “I let you in, I gave you all of me. So it was only 99%, but that’s more than anyone has ever been given. Why won’t you see that I love you?”

“Bet you gave your husband at least the same.” Toby didn’t bother to mumble or soften his words and the air in the room was so thick with tension it could have been cut with a knife. Not the way any of them envisioned their first therapy session going.

“Okay,” Rizzuto said nervously, making the time out sign with his arms. “Let’s dial this back now. Celebrations…” He paused for dramatic effect and neither genius was amused. “Anyway,” he fumbled, “in relationships there's always cause for celebration. Be it an anniversary, birthday, small milestone-”

At seeing Happy's face fall, the therapist stopped. “Has something happened?”

“I proposed,” Toby said. “It was on her birthday that I did.”

“And how did that make you feel, Happy, saying no on such a special day to your sweetheart’s proposal of marriage?”

She scoffed. “My birthday isn't a special day.”

Toby rolled his eyes and crossed his arms across his chest. “What is?”

Rizzuto felt the change in the air but before he could intervene, Happy turned and went off. “The day my mother died giving birth to me isn't a cause for celebration. How dare you twist this further to me not caring at all?”

“Well, it’s not easy following your moods these days, _sweetheart_ ,” he shot back. “It isn’t like you’re easy for me to read.”

Her eyes widened and both men saw the rage in them. “Clearly, because if you could you’d have known not to propose that night. And so publicly… You know I hate shit like that. I can’t believe you found a way to make my birthday even worse that it usually is, congratulations on that.”

Toby sat up ramrod straight and stared straight at her. “That’s how you want to play this, that it’s my fault for you not telling me the truth? I’m sorry for trying to give you a good memory on your birthday. But you do realize, right, that if you had just bothered to tell me truth, I wouldn’t have proposed at all?”

“And,” he added before she could retort. “If you think the _proposal_ was the worst part of that day, then you _really_ need to reevaluate your priorities.”

Her heart stopped as she understood what he was referring to. “Toby…” She pleaded, but he only rolled his eyes and turned to Rizzuto, asking him to please change the subject.

“Why not tell me what else happened on the day that made the proposal not the worst part of the day?”

Toby just stared at Rizzuto, who saw how Happy tensed and took on a protective stance toward him. “ _That’s_ your definition of changing the subject?” He all but snapped. “Do I need to have your inkjet printed degrees taken back?”

“They’re laser printed, for your information, Tobias.” Rizzuto retorted on instinct, but stopped himself from saying anything more when Happy pleaded Toby’s name.

“It might help if you tell him,” She encouraged, but he brushed her off. “During the case last week-”

“I’m _fine_ , Happy. Just drop it.” Toby practically growled at her before turning to Rizzuto. “The both of you.”

There was clearly more going on than Rizzuto was privy to, but Toby was so coiled up then that he knew pressing the issue would only make him build his walls up higher and further reduce the probability of any progress happening that session.

“Right,” Rizzuto coughed a little in an attempt to alleviate the tension in the room, taking a moment to figure what he could ask them to talk about next that had the least chance of spiraling back into another fight. “In that case, and in the spirit of full disclosure and not being embarrassed about our lives, tell me about your intimacy during these trying times.”

Happy and Toby exchanged glances before she replied in a clipped tone that they were good on that front.

Toby smirked but bit it back and looked at Rizzuto. “That's the one area we're great at.”

“Explain.”

Happy blanched as the thought of revealing their sex life to this, this hack as Toby referred to him, was stomach turning, but Toby took it upon himself to answer for the both of them.

“We may be cracked badly but Happy and I aren't broken. Our connection has always been there and our intimacy is fine.”

Rizzuto noticed the relief that Happy allowed to be shown on her face when Toby said that they weren’t broken and their connection has always been there. Taking that as a positive point and filing it away for future reference, he turned to Toby. “You know what fine stands for, Tobias?”

“Freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. I saw The Italian Job too.”

“Getting all worked up is indicative of deeper issues. You know that though.”

“Of course I do,” Toby said dismissively as he looked down at his phone for the time. “I’m a Harvard trained psychiatrist with an eidetic memory, I know everything.”

“Wow,” Rizzuto said with a low whistle as he looked at Happy. “Does he ever pass up an opportunity to mention that?”

She laughed while shaking her head. “Not in all the years I’ve known him, no.”

“Good for you that you’ve gotten to know me so well over the years, while I clearly didn’t know the first thing about you.” Toby muttered, not trying too hard to hide the disappointment in his tone.

Happy was pleading when she turned to him again. “Toby…”

“What do you mean by that exactly, Tobias?” Rizzuto prodded, and Toby crossed his arms across his chest and shot Happy a brief glare before answering.

“I have given her nothing but all of me.” There was a sorrow to his voice that seemed to overpower the anger now. “Even when we were just friends, I was open and honest with her. I told her everything, or at least as much as she bothered to hang around to listen to, and I just… I hoped that she could trust me the way I trusted her, at least after we started dating.” He shrugged, putting up a mask that Happy realized was all too trademark of her. “That’s what I get for being naive and blinded by love.”

It was plain as day how Toby’s words had absolutely crushed Happy, and how guilty she felt that she hadn’t given him in return a fraction of what he had so freely given to her. “How _did_ you two lovebirds start dating, then?” Rizzuto asked carefully.

Happy looked over to Toby, unsure where to start telling Rizzuto about the long and at times messy road it took for them to be together. He met her gaze, and offered her a small smile at all the memories, before sitting up straighter to answer.

“I messed up the first time,” he admitted, recounting how he had overslept what he had planned to be a perfect first date. “When you can’t even remember your med school training and overdose on Alprazolam, that’s when you know you’re nervous,” He gave an awkward little laugh before turning to Happy. “I’m still sorry about that, Hap.” She shook her head, tears building up she reached for his hand again. This time he let her squeeze it briefly before pulling away.

Rizzuto watched their interaction carefully. “I take it didn’t go over too well, then?”

This time it was Happy who spoke, looking down as she described how angry she had been and how she took it out on him and punished him for a long time. “I know it’s unfair, especially given how much I was hiding from you.” She turned to Toby with apology and regret burning in her eyes before looking back at Rizzuto. “It was me distancing myself from the problem so I wouldn’t get more emotionally involved than I already was.”

He nodded, then asked them how and when they had decided to try again.

“Christmas,” Toby replied, a small smile playing on his lips at the memory. “And New Year's too. We had a, um, dangerous case where we got separated from the team, and-”

“And when Toby told me he’d have been okay dying then because he was with me, that’s when I knew it wasn’t fair for either of us for me to hold us back any longer.”

Rizzuto’s eyes widened slightly, though he knew they worked for the government, all the talk of dying and blowing up the world had him a little nervous. But even then, he noticed how talking about the good times had calmed the both of them down somewhat, the tension in the room significantly lower.

“Clearly that period is a good memory for the both of you,” he articulated his thoughts. “Which gives me an idea, some homework for you two.”

Toby sighed in exasperation, commenting how, with his numerous degrees, he had done enough homework by the time he was seventeen to last him a lifetime, but Rizzuto cut him off with a “Shush, Tobias.”

“First things first. Even with all the mess you two are in, can you deny that Happy does truly love you, Tobias?”

“Cool it with the Tobias,” Toby muttered, and Happy had her heart in her throat at his apparent deflection of Rizzuto’s question, but then he turned to her with small but warm smile. “No, I can’t.” He shook his head. “And I love her too, no matter what.”

Rizzuto gave Toby an approving nod before turning to Happy. “And vice versa is the same with you?”

“Of course,” Happy returned Toby’s smile. “No matter what.”

“Good, then I want you both to listen up and do what I tell you to before you come back for another session. Now remember, it’s not wiping the slate clean, but instead starting a new slate that overrides the old…”   

* * *

Back at the garage, Paige and Sly weren’t even subtle about how they were waiting for Happy and Toby to get back from Rizzuto’s office. Happy went straight to her workbench and refused to meet anyone’s gaze as she got what she needed before putting her welding helmet on and starting her torch to continue with her project from that morning.

Toby sighed as he dropped his bag on his desk and walked back to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. He ran into Walter who had just poured himself a cup.

“How was it?” Walter asked only to get an exhausted glare in return. “The session, with Rizzuto…”

“Yeah, yeah, 197, I know what you meant.” Toby rummaged around for a mug and poured out the remainder of the coffee. “Please tell me there’s hazelnut creamer in that fridge. I don’t need any more disappointment after the day I’ve had.”

Walter opened the refrigerator and took it out. “Paige makes sure it’s always on the grocery list. We all know it’s your favorite, Toby.”

With a smile on his face, Toby took it and poured some into his mug. “I’m glad that’s finally known. Only took how many years?”

With a strained smile, Walter laughed nervously. “But now it’s good, right?”

“With my coffee creamer, yes. Not with the love of my life.”

Both the guys jumped a little when they heard Paige sigh from just around the corner before she walked in and leaned against the counter, eying Toby with some disappointment. “I thought the session would help…”

“And I thought you said eavesdropping was a crime,” Toby snarkily shot back her words from an year ago, ignoring the exasperation on her face. But he turned serious after putting the creamer back in the fridge. “I thought it did too, but on the drive back she retreated to her-”

He was cut off by a crash, and Sylvester emerged rubbing his elbow with a sheepish expression on his face. Toby rolled his eyes though the action lacked malice. “If there’s anyone else trying to listen in, I might as well set up a podium in the middle of Grand Park.”

“That’s all, Cabe isn’t here.” Sylvester rubbed the back of his neck as he awkwardly sat down at the table.

Shaking his head at the team’s antics, Toby gave them a brief recount of the session, not explicitly mentioning any of the actual details, but saying how things had become more civil toward the end. “But the moment we were out of there it was like she was counting down the seconds until she could escape from me.”

The silence in the little kitchen, even Paige couldn’t think of anything to say that would actually be helpful and not just an attempt at comforting, was only broken by the constant sounds of Happy working on her project in the back. It stung Toby how he didn’t even know what she was working on- even during the initial period just after her bombshell, she’d be telling him about the things she was planning to work on, work being the only thing they could talk about without dissolving into yet another fight.

“Anyway,” he forced a smile. “What crazy new invention are you coming up with these days, Walt? I know you miss Ralph as your lab partner with him out east. At least give him a day or two when he gets back before putting him to work. Child labor is illegal, you know.” It was obvious how desperate Toby was to change the subject, to talk about something, _anything_ , that was actually light and fun, and even Walter knew better than to stick to the previous subject of conversation.

-

Sylvester calling out a goodnight as Walter ushered him out, having offered to drop him home on his way to pick up something for his latest experiment, left Happy and Toby the only ones in the garage. Paige had gone home a while earlier, and Cabe had been too occupied with meetings at Homeland to come to the garage that day.

Happy, who had finally moved over to her workbench in the front of the garage, seemed to be acutely aware of that fact, packing her bag practically the moment Walter and Sylvester had left.

Toby frowned when he noticed that, and hopped up from his desk and reached out for her before she could slip out the back door. “Come on, Hap, we need to talk.”

“We talked enough, Doc. Let me go home.”

The overwhelming sadness washed over him and his shoulders slumped. “What are fighting for, Happy? Tell me that at least.”

She stiffened and stepped back. “We’re fighting for us, how dense are you that you still don’t see that? Was I not open during our session?”

“You were,” he told her. “But what good is progress if it doesn’t carry over from the session? It’s the first thing I tell patients and I’m telling you-”

“Don’t you dare shrink me.” Her entire body language screamed for him to back down and leave her alone.

“I’m not,” he said gently. “I’m trying to talk with my best friend and my girlfriend. Why are you pulling away from me? We were doing well again, I thought we were making more progress last night.”

“Would you drop this?” She shifted her weight from one foot to the other and sighed. “It’ll be good again in a few days. Just give me space and we’ll be fine.”

“That’s such bullshit.” His exasperation wove in and out with his concern and he leaned against the column. “What did I do that you’re avoiding me _now_?”

“Nothing.” The way she said that through gritted teeth didn’t convince him.

“That’s not the truth and at the very least I deserve that much.”

“I have my period, you moron!”

Her outburst was the furthest thing he expected and he couldn’t help the smile creeping onto his face. She was still tense and when he hugged her she didn’t know what to do.

“Oh, Hap, that’s the best thing you could say right now.” Toby kissed the side of her head and stroked her hair.

“This isn’t good news, Doc,” she mumbled against his chest as her arms wrapped around him. He went to move back and she held him tighter. “Not to mention it’s mortifying.”

“Why?” Still holding her he leaned back just enough to look down at her. “It’s better than what I was thinking.”

“And what was that..?”

He looked down, ashamed of where his thoughts went after the way he berated her for continuing to think the worst of him. “That you changed your mind about us.”

The look she gave him spelled out how that was the furthest thing from what she wanted. Taking a step back, she swatted at his chest. “What the fuck is wrong with you? I don’t know how many more ways I can say this. I wouldn’t be trying this hard and putting myself through such hell if I weren’t so _in love with you_.”

“Then why did you kick me out last night?”

“Because I got my period,” she said quietly, once again looking away from him. Only Toby wanted her to look at him and his forefinger hooked under her chin to tip it back up. “All we’ve done in private is have sex or avoid each other, Doc. When we were more at odds it was easier to avoid you but now I don’t want to. But we can’t have sex tonight and I don’t want to be in bed two feet from you yet miles away.”

His eyes softened and he brushed back a stray piece of hair from her face. “We don’t have to have sex, babe. And I really hate that this is what we’ve come to.” Her mouth opened but when she didn’t speak he continued. “Not that we can’t have sex if you want to. Orgasms will alleviate the cramping, not to mention how the endorphins will also help with your moods.”

Happy furrowed her brows, incredulity across her features. “You’d have sex with me on my, on my…”

He smiled. “Blood doesn’t freak me out. I’m a doctor, remember?” She chuckled and he kissed the top of her head. “I’ll always make love with you, Happy. As long you want me, I’ll always want you.”

The way she bit her lip and felt a flush paint her cheeks had him grinning. When she looked back at him he tried to look as innocent as he could but she simply shook her head. “Do you want come over tonight then? I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too.” He hugged her again and she all but melted into him. Toby held her until her stomach grumbled and they pulled back laughing. “How about we get dinner and then take it from there?”

-

He held her hand as they made their way up to her apartment. Deftly opening the door, she pushed it open and stepped in with him close on her heels, his hand still holding hers.

Toby stepped closer and she saw him lean down to kiss her, but she stopped him. “Can we talk first?” Her request was new, Happy wanting to talk instead of physically showing her feelings. He said of course and they moved to sit on her couch.

Both of them had their jackets off and he watched as she undid her boots and pulled her feet under her. Shifting to face him, Happy took his hands in both of hers and exhaled shakily. “This is all new to me, talking and being so in love and stuff.”

“And stuff?” he laughed in question while his thumbs brushed across her knuckles in a soothing motion. 

“All the sex we have.”

There was no keeping the smirk off his face and she blushed so he didn’t say anything until she raised her eyebrows, a silent signal for him to say something. “Hap, I know that you’re more physical and I love that. Before you say I’m a perv, remember that you’re the one who loves it as much as I do. And I don’t want to change you, I really don’t. All I want is to know what’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours. If you want to ravage me every night, I’m not saying no to that.”

“I’m sorry I can’t say things the way you do.” She looked down, and he hooked a finger under her chin to get her to look back up at him. 

Toby told her how it’s okay. “I love you, and everything about you and who you are.” A small smirk grew on his face as he added how the sex is really the icing on the cake for them. “I love all the sex we have, and what I love most about it is that I know it’s your way of showing me what you can’t say. There’s no doubt in my mind you love me. And I love you so much it hurts when we’re apart.”

“And I love that,” She smiled before her expression became more forlorn and she started picking at the hem of her tank top. “For me sex is the first, and until you, the only way I could express with people how I felt.” She watched him carefully, and saw how he was looking at her intently though he didn’t betray any emotion. Realizing how easy it was for him to take what she’d said the wrong way, she added that she hadn’t seen sex as a big deal before him.

“And I know I did that with you too, but please know that you mean so infinitely more to me, Doc. I love you, and I know I'm doing a terrible job at it, but I do want to be emotionally open too, with you.” She saw his expression soften at that, and kissed his hand softly before continuing. “I’d never really put any emotion into it before, hardly ever in fact, and it was always on my terms. You… you were the one who taught me how much it can really mean, and now the only sex I want is all in with you.”

Toby bit back a snarky comment how it probably meant something with her husband too, the way she had just opened up to him- and he knew how hard it was for her to do that- made him force those thoughts away. “I wasn’t a monk myself either, Hap, I’m not going to judge you in any way. Thank you for telling me all that, it’s good to know I’ve impressed you so much in the time we’ve been together.”

His playful smirk didn’t dampen all the love that radiated from him and she did what she did best, Happy showed him physically how she felt by moving onto his lap and kissing under his jaw. He didn’t take long to tilt his neck back to give her better access and her hand cupped the side of his face as she kissed down and back up his neck. Kissing under his ear, she nibbled at his earlobe before whispering. “You want to spend the night?”

“Absolutely,” he breathed, looking down to see her watching him. “But not if you don’t want it too.”

“I do want it, with you.” It was said with such sincerity. “Only with you.”

Toby held her face and swept his thumbs under eyes. “I do love you.” She smiled and he kissed the tip of her nose, noticing the shadows under her eyes that were darker than usual. “You look tired, Hap.”

She blushed a little as she snuggled in closer and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders to pull her even more into him. “I can’t sleep alone now,” she admitted, rolling her eyes good naturedly as she could practically _see_ Toby’s smugness growing. “I know I was a little uncomfortable at the start with how cuddly you are, but I’m so used to it now and I can’t bear what it’s like not being in your arms every night.”

Grinning so wide, Toby hugged her to him. “Then you need to know that I’m doing everything I can to get us past this, and then I’m never letting you go again.”

She smiled and was able to reply when a particularly sharp cramp hit her. Her wince didn’t go unnoticed by Toby, who immediately grew concerned. “How do you feel?”

With a shrug, she told him it wasn’t anything she wasn’t used to. “I took ibuprofen at the garage but it didn’t do much. I’ll be fine.” Chewing on her upper lip, she asked if he still wanted to be with her.

“Always. Can I get you anything?”

“You.” There was a glint in her eyes and she quirked an eyebrow.

“I like that.” His hand slid down her side and he rubbed her back. “How do you want me, love?”

She sat back and stood up. “Give me five minutes to start the shower and then join me?”

His response was a nod before she disappeared into the back of her apartment. Toby fell back against the couch and again couldn’t keep the smile from his face. _She’s on her period, that’s why she pushed me out last night_. He wasn’t able to figure out the night before why she went from so loving and seemingly open to her walls shooting back up. Usually he had her cycle memorized but with how stressed she was, it made sense that she was earlier than normal.

With the water starting, he sat up and rested his hands on his knees. He never had sex with a menstruating woman before. Not that he was inherently turned off by the idea, only that it was a situation he hadn’t been presented with before. As his mind created different situations, he shook his head to make his way back to the only woman he wanted to be with now and for the rest of his life.

Steam filled the bathroom and poured into the bedroom as he pulled his shirt over his head. “How’re you?” he called out.

“Fine,” she said relaxed from what he could hear.

“That’s what I like to hear, sugar plum.” He quickly unbuckled his belt and pushed down his jeans and boxers, his shoes and socks kicked off in the living room.

Knocking on the shower door, she let out the lightest laugh and opened the door. Her arm reached out and she pulled him under the water.

It was hot and felt wonderful on his skin. She ran her hands through her hair and he noticed she was still bruised along her abdomen from where Leonard kicked her last week. It was now yellowed with hints of purple where the bruising had yet to dissipate. Tentatively resting his hand on her hip, Happy opened her eyes to bring his other hand to her body as well.

His fingers ghosted over her stomach and he dropped to his knees. “Does it hurt?” His lips pressed the soft kisses to her skin and she shook her head, her hand tangling into his damp curls as the water rained down on him.

“I’m okay, Toby, really.” Her eyes were calm as he kissed over her abdomen, the bruises covering both cuts from the case with Leonard as well as thin scars she’d had since the first time they were together that he still didn’t know the origin of. His hand held her waist and the feel of his thumb brushing over those scars had her exhale shakily. “You want to stay there, Doc, or stand up and kiss me?”

He smirked. “I’m good right here, I want to kiss these more.” With his lips moving across her stomach, she let out a low moan at how his scruff tickled as he gently showered her with affection. She leaned her head back against the tile and ran her fingers over his face.

Toby kept kissing as the water poured over his back. She maneuvered into the the corner of the shower and tugged him up. He trailed kisses up her torso, holding the sides of her breasts while he lavished each one with attention.

When he applied a deeper pressure with his thumb to the underside of her breast, she whimpered. Toby immediately stopped and she asked him why.

“That was a noise of pain, I don’t want to hurt you.”

She covered his hands with hers and pressed his thumbs into her flesh again. “My breasts are more sensitive, yes. But that doesn’t mean I want you to stop. Can’t we have some foreplay in the shower?”

His eyes widened and then darkened, taking a step closer so he was hard and against her stomach. “I’m the king of foreplay, honey bear.”

Happy gave him a look and he sheepishly looked away. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

“Just kiss me, Doc.” Her leg wrapped around his waist and he did exactly as she wanted.

The steam gathered in the shower and all they focused on was the feel of the other. Toby held under her thigh and sucked at her lower lip. She parted her mouth for him and he licked his way in. The moan he caught in the back of his throat made him kiss her harder and only when they needed to breathe did they pull back.

A shared look and her heel digging into his hip told him she wanted more. He lifted her up with his hands under her thighs and she held onto his shoulders.

“I want you,” she said. “Okay?”

He smiled and moved an arm to hold around her upper back, pulling back just enough to reach between them and guide himself into her. The blood made her wetter than usual and he slid in deep with ease. She felt deliciously warm around him and when he sunk even further into her she moaned in his ear

“I love you,” he whispered.

Happy kissed his cheek and when she felt him move with her, she asked what he was doing.

“This,” he told her. She turned her gaze down and saw his hand move across her stomach and down her body so his palm rested on top of her pelvis as his thumb ran over her clit and she jerked her hips out. That was her cue for him to start moving and he took it. Her arousal she denied the last week all came to a head as he massaged her clit and slowly thrust back and forth. The cramps that had her in a foul mood washed away under the water and his ministrations.

As he brought her closer to her climax, he kissed and sucked a hickey behind her ear. She normally didn’t orgasm with such gentle pressure but this was new and her body ached for it. When the feelings finally hit her, Toby felt each spasm around him and had to close his eyes to focus on lasting longer to bring her to a second peak.

She needed a minute to come back down and when she opened her eyes, she saw Toby rinsing some blood from his fingers before he met her eyes. “You feeling better?”

The self-consciousness she had a second ago was gone and she held his face to kiss him. “You still haven’t come, Doc. Finish fucking me.” The glint was mischievous and a lascivious grin overtook the smile he had on his face.

He picked up his pace and shifted her so that he could hold under her thighs as her hands slip up his forearms and biceps to wrap around his shoulders. “I won’t break, I promise,” she purred.

Her nails dug into his back and she was sensitive from her previous orgasm and clenched around him. Toby’s breathing picked up and he grunted with each thrust, their hips colliding and each move sending sounds of pleasure into the air.

The way she was positioned, each thrust drove her up the wall and seeing how her body moved and bounced turned him on more than he thought possible. His fingers dug into her thighs and he inched them back to hold her ass knowing his orgasm wasn’t long away.

Dipping his head to the crook of her neck, he sucked hard on the skin there and she pulled at his curls to keep him in place. Her inner walls spasmed as waves spread through her once more and Toby was nearly at his peak. Curse words leaving both their mouths as they moved faster, he managed to readjust his grip on her to find her swollen clit and stimulate her to where she cried out his name.

Happy wiggled under his touch, needing to be even closer as the overwhelming pleasure took hold of her senses. She came, hard and with a cry in his ear that echoed within the confines of her shower. He pushed deeper into her, needing his own release as well as to make her feel even more.

The tingling of her walls squeezing around him brought him closer to climax and when she nipped at his earlobe, he grunted as her ankles locked behind his lower back. A few more thrusts and her squeezing around him had him coming inside of her.

He panted and she clung to him, the haze of their built up releases making everything else slow down. Looking up, Toby saw her watching him and after running his hand under the water, he brushed back her hair and kissed her.

“Thank you.” It was quiet and she had a look in her eyes that spoke volumes above what she could ever say out loud. But she did say the three words he cherished hearing from her, saying his own _I love you_ back before they untangled from her to clean up. By the time he was rinsing the conditioner out of her hair, the water was cool from how long there were in the shower together.

He gave her privacy to finish up and found her wrapped in a towel rough drying her hair when he came back in his boxers to leave her a shirt of his and a pair of clean underwear to change into. She smiled at him and he nodded before closing the door, leaving it slightly ajar.

Toby crawled to _his_ side of her bed and sat up against the headboard. He was deep in thought when she joined him. Pulling back the covers, Happy got under them and spoke. “Penny for your thoughts, Doc?” On her side she ran her hand across his thigh and got no reaction.

“We didn't use protection,” he said simply, clearly unable to wrap his mind around it yet.

She stiffened at that and moved to sit up herself. “Oh.” She felt her blood run cold and when he looked over he saw that she was pale.

Guilt twisted in his stomach as he berated himself for having forgotten something so crucial. “Happy, I’m so sorry. I should have-”

Happy cut him off as she started to ramble saying she didn't think. He said he didn’t either, and that it was his fault for completely neglecting to notice.

“It’s nobody’s fault, Doc, I guess we both just got too carried away in the moment,” Happy smiled as she squeezed his hand, but he could see she was still shaken. “And we’re both clean, so that’s good.”

“Of course,” Toby murmured, distracted, mind still spinning with what he had done, and especially to her. But Happy took his somewhat dismissive tone in the worst way, her stomach turning at what she interpreted his tone to mean.

She pleaded his name as she took her hand in both of hers, and he glanced down at her questioningly. “Toby, I'm not sure what you think of me these days but I haven't been with anyone but you in the last two years. And certainly not since we got together.”

“What?” Toby breathed in disbelief, not knowing where she even came up with that idea. Hugging her tight, he apologized for whatever he’d done to make her think he thought like that. “That’s the furthest thing from the truth. I love you more than the air I breathe, Happy. And I do trust you even though I'm still angry. I know you wouldn't cheat on me.”

“That’s good,” She gave him a small smile, though he could see the question in her eyes she’d never ask out loud.

“And you need to know that I haven’t been with anyone since Amy, and that I would rather die than cheat on you. You’re the only person I ever want to be with for the rest of my life. We'll get through this, Hap. I promise.”

He kissed the top of her head when he felt her tense against him, knowing it was out of nervousness about what they’d just done. It absolutely killed him when she started trembling, there weren’t any tears but he knew that didn’t make it any better.

“Happy?” He asked gently, not wanting to push her any further, but she just shook her head and shifted to lay down. Following her, he lay down as well and pulled her to him. With her settled against his side with her head on his chest, he took her hand in his and kissed her palm. “It'll be okay, Hap. Whatever it is, I'll be here.”

She nodded and didn't look at him. “There shouldn't be an issue… I mean, I'm on the pill and I did just start my period.”

Medically speaking, there was indeed only a minute chance on there being an issue, but Toby didn’t want to leave anything to chance that he could help. “You want me to get you the morning after pill? I can first thing tomorrow.”

That made her look up and she bit her lip. Her eyes were fixed on his and she said that would be good. “Better safe than sorry, right? At least after the fact…”

He nodded with a weak smile. “It's safe to take, I promise.”

“I've never taken it before,” she revealed. His hand rubbing her back stilled. “Surprised at that, Doc?”

“No. You know I don't judge you like that. Things happen, life gets messy.” Toby saw her wince at that, he knew she was thinking of _what if_ , and rushed to reassure her that no matter what, he’d never be anywhere other than right there with her. “I will always be at your side, Happy. Always.”

She didn't know what say so she kept quiet and curled tighter around Toby. His hand slipped under his shirt she was wearing and he rubbed circles into her lower back. Moaning softly at how amazing that felt, she pressed her lower abdomen into his hip for more pressure.

“You want anything, babe?” Toby kissed the top of her head and while his head was spinning over his own _what ifs_ , he knew that focusing on her would keep him from spiraling too far into panic. After all, this was Happy. If anything were to happen, and especially if she were pregnant, he knew they’d figure it out, together. And that he’d support her with whatever she decided to do.

“Sleep,” she said as she reached for his hand playing with her hair. “I just want to try and sleep.”

With another kiss pressed to her head, he said that sounded like a great plan as he squeezed her hand reassuringly, closing his eyes as well. But neither of them were getting much rest that night, and they were resigned to it.

* * *

* * *

_Some things don’t last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down on the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there._

_\- Sarah Dessen_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time =D


	14. Chapter 14

_Nobody’s lives just fit together. Fitting together is something you work at. It’s something you make happen - because you love each other._

_\- Rainbow Rowell_

* * *

* * *

_Hi, one soy latte please._ Paige’s voice came over the comms, and Toby couldn’t resist rattling off the myths behind the benefits of the soy fad until Cabe hissed at him to shut up.

“But it’s really not-”

“Later, Doc.” Happy placated him as she pulled into one of the free slots outside the cafe that Paige and Cabe were already in, parking far enough away from Paige’s car so it wouldn’t be conspicuous. This was their first major case after the fiasco with Leonard and the bombings, and from the looks of things, this seemed to be going much smoother.

_“Got a case, team.” Cabe walked in authoritatively as he always did when they had a job to do, rounding everyone up around the monitor tree._

_“This is Carl Grant from the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency.” He introduced them to the man who had followed him in, and was currently looking around the garage with a hint of concern and doubt, as did most government officials and agents who came in._

_Clearing his throat while the team gathered around the monitors, Grant handed Walter a flash drive to plug in as he started explaining the situation. “A forensic analyst at one of the locals banks here found an anomaly in the code of their funds transfer program and reported it to us. We sent out an alert to the other banks under our regulation, and-”_

_“Twenty million dollars per bank, and counting?” Sylvester gasped as Walter opened the files on the flash drive._

_“So you can see why this is something we need to resolve immediately. Even the best tech guys we have can only identify that someone is replacing parts of the code so that funds are transferred to several accounts, none of which belong to legitimate people or corporations.”_

_“Well, as of now,_ we _are the best tech guys you have,” Walter announced in his usual way as he studied the code, Sly looking over his shoulder to go through it as well._

_Grant nodded, “So I’ve heard. These guys are siphoning off millions by the minute. I need you to find out who is responsible for this and stop them, while restoring as much of the funds as possible.”_

It hadn’t taken Walter and Sylvester long to backtrack the hack and discover that it originated from the WiFi of the cafe that Paige and Cabe were currently in, and Happy and Toby were still staking out from her truck. But the guy was good, even by Walter’s standards, he and Sly would need access to the original software to stop the attack, because currently the most they could do was set up blocks to slow the money transfers. And to do that they needed to physically get a hold of the laptop- they didn’t want to take the risk of hacking into his laptop to get it, in case he noticed the intrusion and disappeared along with the original software.

The cafe was small, and there really wasn’t a cover story that would fit all four of them at one time that could be plausibly strong enough to avoid suspicion by the hacker, which was why Paige and Cabe had gone in first. Pretending to be a real estate agent and her client discussing him purchasing a new condo, they fed back information from inside the cafe, so that the geniuses would be able to come up with the best plan to grab the suspect and his laptop with minimal disturbance to everyone else inside.

_Happy, Toby, you two are good to go,_ Walter informed them from where he and Sylvester were parked an inconspicuous distance away in the van, watching the cameras from both inside and around the perimeter of the cafe that they’d managed to hack into.

“Let’s rock and roll,” Toby grinned as they got out of her truck, and she smiled back at him as he jogged over to her side to join her. The carpark was fairly large, serving quite a few of the small shops and businesses in the area, and having parked far enough away to avoid being seen by their suspect meant they had to walk some distance to get to the cafe.

_Things are looking good inside, Paige and Cabe are sitting one empty table away from the suspect, and most of the customers are at the opposite side, so it should be a clean takedown._ Walter fed them more information, he and Sylvester watching the inside of the cafe so intently that they almost missed-

_Guys look out!_ Sylvester shrieked over the comms, barely noticing a large, dark SUV speed into the lot, three men leaning out the windows carrying assault rifles, and heading directly toward the cafe. They opened fire the moment they entered the carpark, shooting wildly in all directions.

Toby reacted first, yelling for Happy to get down as he pushed her to the ground beside a large delivery van that was thankfully parked right beside where they were, and laying on top of her to cover her the best he could and prevent her getting hit. The large calibre bullets ripped through the thin windows and bodies of the vehicles surrounding them, covering them in a shower of broken glass, but thankfully they were laying low enough that none of the bullets hit near them.

The carpark wasn’t the main target though, and the two of them could only watch helplessly from where they dove onto the asphalt as the shooters tore up the cafe with their automatic weapons before driving off as fast as they had arrived, the sound of their gunfire beat out only by the panicked screams of everyone in the vicinity.

The silence following the abrupt end of the shooting was deafening, and Toby waited for a few more seconds to make sure the shooters weren’t coming back before carefully pulling Happy to a squatting position against the side of the van.

“You okay?” He asked gently as he brushed the glass shards off her, sighing in relief when he saw nothing jump out that screamed to him she needed immediate medical attention.

“Yeah, you?” Her breathing was heavy and her eyes were wide as she looked at him, clearly shaken by what just happened.

Toby nodded, then breathed an _Oh God_ when he saw small lines of crimson emerging from the skin on her arms, exposed where she had halfway rolled up the sleeves of her anorak that morning, as well as some on the side of her face that had been pressed against the asphalt.

“Huh?” She asked, the adrenaline still coursing through her blocking the sting of the cuts, and she didn’t notice them until Toby pointed them out. “Oh, Toby, it’s nothing.”

“I should still clean them, my bag is in your…” He trailed off as he followed her sight line to what was left of the cafe, heart in his throat as he yelled for Paige and Cabe to sound off. Silence answered him, though when he pressed a finger against his ear, he realized that his comm must have fallen off.

“Lost mine too,” Happy told him as she checked for her own comm. “Must be here somewhere, but-”

“But we might as well spend that time looking for Paige and Cabe instead.” Toby held out a hand to help her stand, making sure there were no other injuries before they both ran towards the bullet-riddled cafe.

First responder sirens could just about be made out in the distance as they entered the small building to thankfully see everyone alive and with no serious injuries. Cabe already had their suspect in handcuffs and had secured his laptop while Paige, true to her nature, went around making sure everyone else was okay.

“Managed to get to him just in time, and I’ve already called LAPD and the paramedics. Paige is asking around and everyone seems fine, though, Doc, you should probably- ”

Toby nodded as he carefully stepped around overturned tables and broken pieces of glass and ceramic to help Paige, telling Cabe and Happy to get their suspect and his laptop to Walter and Sly who were just pulling up in front of the cafe.

-

“Well, that was awkward,” Toby commented as Walter finished removing the final bits of the hacker’s code and restored the banks’ original programs. “Sure am glad _that_ guy wasn’t on duty when I decided to try my hand back in the day. Don’t think he would’ve tracked me down to Atlantic City with any other intention than throwing me into federal prison for the rest of my life.”

Of course the forensic analyst who had first alerted the OCC to the anomaly had to be an old colleague of Walter’s, from when he had been moonlighting as a forensic analyst while Scorpion was barely off the ground. The guy hated Walter from the start, both his know-it-all attitude as well as how he was obviously better than him at their work, and when he found out that it would be Walter talking him through the rebooting process, he made even Happy on a bad day seem friendly.

“Me too.” Sylvester wholeheartedly agreed, remembering how he had been just fifteen and absolutely terrified when Walter first knocked on the door of his dingy motel room and introduced himself as a forensic analyst for the bank Sylvester had just hacked. Tired, hungry, and scared out of his mind, Sylvester had known even while typing the code that he was being sloppy, but that one lapse in his programming had turned out to be the best mistake of his life. “Looks like it was a good thing that he hated you enough to make the boss stick you in the night shift, huh?” he asked Walter. 197 smiled warmly at him and even spared a smirk for Toby.

Cabe returned just then from the FBI field office where he handed over custody of their suspect, talking to someone on the phone, and Sylvester turned to him. “Why do the cases that seem to be the simplest always turn out to be the deadliest?” he practically whined. “And why do we always have angry mobsters shooting at us?”  

“What else do you expect angry mobsters to do, fanboy over Super Fun Guy with you?” Toby walked over from Happy’s workbench where he was forced to give into her insistence that she was fine and didn’t need any medical attention that couldn’t wait until they got home.

Sylvester shrugged, nodding. “That would be nice for a change.”

The hacker turned out to be have been hired by one of the most influential drug cartels in the area to siphon money off banks to supplement their income after strengthened surveillance from the DEA limited their drug supply. But with Scorpion setting up as many blocks as possible to slow down the transfers, the bosses had gotten impatient waiting for the money and had figured it would be better to take out their guy and go to another hacker in town.

“That’s great news, thank you.” Cabe ended the call as he walked back toward the group. “That was a contact over at the LAPD gang unit. Together with your facial recognition software and Kaleidoscope, they managed to track down and round up the shooters from earlier today. With any luck, they’ll give up the people who called the hit, too.”

“With any luck we won’t be called in early for a case tomorrow. Or the next few days, for that matter.” Paige grumbled from her desk, practically hidden by mountains of official forms and reports. “Turns out the amount of paperwork involved in almost getting a cafe full of people gunned down is immense. Who knew?”

“Which is why I won’t be turning in my report for at least another week,” Toby called out cheerily from the couch, feigning innocence as everyone shot him exasperated looks. “What? She’s clearly stressed out as it is, and as the team’s psychiatrist, it’s my responsibility to do whatever I can to help lower her stress levels. Such as not dumping more paperwork on her than she already has.”

Paige glared at him, but before she could retort, Ralph came downstairs from where he had been sleeping in the loft earlier, jetlagged from having only returned from Maine the weekend before and going straight back to CalTech for the summer semester. And it was already taking its toll on the kid. “Toby does have a point, you know. I don’t get why people are always so strict about deadlines.” He muttered as he went to sit next to Toby, the two of them sharing a high five.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Paige raised an eyebrow, growing more suspicious as Ralph attempted to brush her off. “Did you miss a deadline for college already?”

Ralph’s eyes widened as he shook his head, swearing that he hadn’t. “Not yet,” he mumbled, low enough that he hoped he mother wouldn’t hear, but of course she did.

“What was that?” she asked sharply, and her son winced while trying to hide behind his partner in crime.

“I have an essay on Renaissance art due Friday, but I’m sure I can throw something together the night before.” His smile was meant to be convincing, only Paige saw right through it.

Ralph had only signed up for the European History class when Paige challenged him that it would be the one subject she could beat him at, reminding him of how she had helped stop World War III the previous year with her knowledge of Belarusian and Latvian customs. That, combined with her only allowing him to take the summer semester under the condition that not all the classes he signed up for were math or science-based, had the kid begrudgingly dragging his feet across campus every week to the liberal arts class, just so that he could prove his mother wrong.

Sighing exasperatedly and cutting Walter off when he backed up Ralph about how the experiments they were conducting at the garage were much more important than some old canvases and blocks of marble, Paige hurriedly packed her things and grabbed her bag. “We’re going home right now, and you’re going to finish that report before you can do anything else.”

“But-”

“If you’re so sure you’d be able to do it the night before, then it shouldn’t take too long, right?” She asked in her _don’t test me_ mom voice, and Ralph knew better than to argue. “And I expect reports for today’s case to be in by the day after tomorrow at the latest. From _all_ of you.” She glared specifically at Toby, who let out an undignified whine.

“Thanks for getting me in trouble too, Ralphie.” He pouted and the kid smirked despite his own situation.

“You got into trouble on your own, Toby..”

Toby would have retorted, but Happy moved to sit beside him in the spot Ralph had just vacated. “Kid’s not wrong, you know.”

He sighed with mock resignation, knowing he was on the losing side. Looking at her reminded him yet again of the scrapes she had received a few hours ago. Even though they were small, he still wanted to clean them and make sure she wasn’t hurt more. “If they get to go home, then we’re going home as well,” he announced, standing up and walking over to grab both their bags. “It’s about time you finally let me take a look at those cuts, Hap.”

-

Stepping out of the bathroom with his towel wrapped around his waist and carrying the first aid box he had learnt the hard way to diligently maintain from a young age, Toby felt a small but warm smile grow as he saw Happy, in shorts and one of his collegiates. Her hair was still damp from the shower she had taken before him, and she was sitting against the headboard of the bed with her knees drawn up, reading one of her motoring magazines. Dropping the first aid box onto the foot of the bed to catch her attention, he motioned for her to shift over to sit at the edge while he slipped on a pair of boxers and a shirt.

The smaller scrapes were starting to heal on their own, hard scabs already setting in. But some were still tender and exposed, and Toby figured if he was patching up some he might as well do them all. Tearing open the packet of an alcohol swab, he held Happy's arm gently as he cleaned one of the deeper scrapes she sustained on her forearm. She hissed at the stinging, instinctively jerking her arm away but his grip on her was strong enough that she couldn't pull away completely.

“This is probably the one that'll hurt the worst, the rest shouldn't be so bad,” he murmured as he rubbed the swab over the wound a few more times before reaching for a Band-Aid to carefully cover the wound.

Happy gritted her teeth against the sting of the alcohol. “That's comforting to know,” she managed to say before he grabbed a new alcohol swab and started cleaning the smaller wounds. “Though you're right, these aren't that bad.”

“Didn’t spend years in Harvard for nothing,” Toby grinned in response, opting that there was no need to cover the scrapes that had already developed scabs on their own.

Returning his grin, Happy mentioned how it was a good thing he opted to keep his jacket on before getting out of her truck despite the day being warmer than usual. Toby smiled tightly as he agreed and said he was fine. “The heels of my palms are a little sore from bracing against the asphalt, but that’s all.”

Cleaning the wounds on her other arm, his mood noticeably dropped to one that was much more somber. To get his attention, she gently rubbed her foot against his calf.

He shook his head when she asked him what was wrong, instead focusing intently on what he was doing. When he was done, his grip slipped from her forearm to hold her hand, interlacing their fingers. “I'm so sorry, Hap.”

“For what?” Her eyebrows furrowed as she tilted her head to the side, there was nothing he needed to apologize for.

“I shouldn't have pushed you down so hard, I just panicked in that moment. I can’t believe I got you hurt.”

Happy was incredulous, was Toby apologizing for what he had to do to _save her life_? Articulating that thought, she squeezed his hand. “After all, a few scrapes are much better than bullet holes, right?”

“Of course.” He offered her a weak smile before letting go of her hand to grab another alcohol swab to clean the few scrapes on her face. 

“Doc?” she asked quietly, and he looked down at her questioningly. “I know the way you pushed me down then covered me with you, you were protecting me while putting yourself at risk.”

“Those maniacs were firing AK-47s all around us, Hap, I couldn't risk you getting hurt. Or worse.” The last part was said so low it was almost a whisper.

Happy's eyes fluttered down before locking with his again, as the full consequences of what could have happened really hit her. “But doing so increased the chance that _you_ could've be been hit.”

He smiled at her, it was warm but mellowed somewhat by a tinge of sadness. “Better me than you. I mean it, Hap, when I say you’re the love of my life.” Sticking the last butterfly bandage across her cheekbone as he spoke, he leaned down to kiss it gently before going back to the bathroom to put the first aid box back and throw away the used swabs and Band-Aid packets. When he returned to the bedroom, Happy was still sitting at the edge of the bed, but with a much more solemn expression and her eyebrows furrowed ever so slightly.

Concerned, he asked her what was wrong, if she was hurt anywhere else or was feeling any sort of head trauma. She shook her head, instead reaching out to hold his hand when he walked over and pulling him down to sit next to her. “Hap?” He asked again, but this time she wordlessly curled into his side, resting her head on his shoulder.

“Don’t say that.” She whispered so softly that he couldn't quite hear her, so she repeated herself a little more loudly.

Toby shifted to look at her better, his lips brushing her forehead as he spoke. “Say what, Hap?”

“That you’re willing to sacrifice yourself for me. You can’t do that.”

“But Hap, I-”

“I can’t lose you, Toby.” She blurted it out, cutting him off. “I know now what it feels like to lose you, and I’ll never be able to survive losing you in the worst way.”

Gently pulling her sideways onto his lap, Toby hooked a finger under her chin to get her to look up at him from where she burrowed her face into his chest. “You’re not going to lose me, babe, not as long as I can help it. We’ve been through so many terrible cases and come out hardly scathed, we’re going to be fine. But you do need to know that when I have to, there’ll be nothing I wouldn’t do for you.”

Happy managed a watery smile as she wrapped her arms around him and settled back against him. “Even after everything I’ve done to you?” She dared ask it, and in response she felt Toby’s arm tighten around her.

“You said it yourself, now that I know what it’s like to lose you, and us, there’s no way I’m letting the divide get any deeper than what we’ve already been through.”

She was silent for a while, before raising her head to look at him, cupping his face with one hand. “You know I’d do the same for you too, right? I love you, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to protect you.”

“I know.” He sighed heavily, his reaction not what she had been expecting at all. When he looked at her, his eyes were full of doubt and fear. “Which is why this is all so hard on me, Hap. I know you love me, but having to find out that you’re married in the way I did, it’s one huge slap to the face in terms of you not trusting me completely. I trusted you with all of me, I really thought it was mutual.”

There was also regret in his voice, and he hated bringing up how that trust he had had in her had been completely shattered, because he knew that she was truly apologetic, but this wasn’t the type of thing he could bounce back from no matter how genuine she was being now. It was this regret that really killed her, how even now, even with all the hurt and pain she had caused him, even when he had all the right in the world to be mad and hurt her back, he still tried his best to lessen the blows.

“It _is_ mutual, Toby. I do trust in you with all that I am, I know I never have to be afraid of anything when I’m with you, I just…” She trailed off, biting her lip and looking down so he wouldn’t have to see the tears of shame building up in her eyes again. “I don’t know why I was being so stupid and stubborn thinking I could get away with-”

Happy felt her heart drop as Toby’s arms slackened around her at the reminder of her intentional lies and secrecy surrounding her marriage. “I’m so sorry, Doc,” she gasped a breath, not caring about hiding her tears anymore. “You know I am, and, and I don’t know how more to tell you, or how to make you believe me, but I really am-”

“Happy, just stop.” Toby interrupted her tangent. He couldn’t stand hearing her apologies anymore, though he knew how much she meant them. Now what he needed from her were actions, proof that she really was changing the way she swore she would. It was past the time where words alone could have much of an impact. But from the way she seemed to shrink away from him even while still sitting on his lap, he knew the way he had cut her off had been too harsh, so he moved to brush away the hair falling across her face and kiss her forehead, forcing down the anger and fight bubbling up in him again.

“I’m not saying I’m okay with this, that's the furthest thing from the truth,” He saw her face crumple from the hope that had built up from his gentle touches. “But we almost died today, Hap. And I know we almost die nearly every case we go on, but that doesn’t mean it gets any easier each time. Neither of us can deny that there will be a lot more fights before we really get over this, but just for today, just for the sake that we survived today by the skin of our teeth, I don’t want to rehash everything all over again tonight.”

She curled up against him as she nodded, relief flooding her as his arms tightened around her once more to hold her close. He felt her small smile against his chest, and heard her whisper of _I love you_ that he returned. It was only when she stifled a yawn against him a while later that he realized how late it had gotten, and carried her around the bed to let her settle in under the covers before following suit himself. Letting her curl right back into him, he remembered what they’d planned the previous week but had never gotten around to doing.

“Hey, Hap?” Looking down, he couldn’t hold back his smile at her sleepy gaze looking up at him questioningly. “I know we still have some time before we need to see him again, but you remember what we agreed to at Rizzuto’s the other day?”

Happy leaned back from him a little to rub her eyes. “You mean…”

His eyes were shining again when he nodded, sitting up and taking her hands in his. “Happy Quinn, will you let me take you out on a date? I promise I won’t screw it up this time, and I-”

“Of course, Doc.” She answered even before he finished asking her, smiling so wide as she sat up herself, and though he couldn’t see it in the darkness, Toby knew that she was blushing lightly. “It’ll be an honor to go out with you.” Those words weren’t natural to her but she knew he’d love it. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him gently as he smiled widely.

“Honor’s all mine,” He whispered as he hugged her to him and laid back down so he was on his back with her laying across his chest.

“I love you, Toby.” She said before he could say it to her first, knowing it was about time she started initiating at least some emotional intimacy in their relationship.

The way he tightened his grip around her and kissed the top of her head, she knew how much he loved hearing her say it first. “I love you too, Hap.”

* * *

* * *

_You’ve felt it, haven’t you? Those feelings that seem to get so big in your chest, like something is so beautiful it aches?_

_\- Heather Anastasiu, Glitch_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time =D


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We apologize for the long wait for this chapter. Life got in the way again but we have so much planned for this fic and hope you enjoy this longer than usual update. Thanks for reading!

_Only in the darkness can you see the stars._

_\- Martin Luther King, Jr._

* * *

* * *

_Back at the garage after spending a little more time on the beach sharing memories of Megan and just being together as a team, Toby realized that he and Happy had soon become the only ones left. Paige took Ralph home from the beach itself while Cabe had gone home too after dropping the rest of them off at the garage, following which Walter had offered to take a still-teary Sylvester out for dinner._

_Happy was in the back, dismantling the last pieces of the launch pad, and hadn’t noticed him walk into that space until he hopped up onto her workbench making just enough sound so she’d hear._

_“Hey.” She offered him a quick smile before turning back to her tools. Which was so much better than her trying to act like nothing happened the day after their first kiss. So much so that Toby found his own smile growing larger than he’d ever thought it could._

_“Great job with the rocket… stuff, by the way.” He winced at how lame that sounded, but his mind still spun from their kiss and her saying she wanted to try them again that he couldn’t come up with anything better._

_She scoffed, still facing the launch pad, but he could tell it was good-natured. “_ That’s _the best you’ve got?”_

 _Getting off her workbench, he went to sit next to her on the floor, picking up and playing with a bolt she had removed from the structure. “I think I’ve proven to you tonight that I’ve got a lot more than_ that _,” he smirked._

_“Yeah, okay.” Happy couldn’t bite back her grin even as she rolled her eyes and stood up to store some of the parts before returning to sit next to him._

_“I’m more than willing to prove it again if you want.” He dared to nudge her, but immediately dropped the joking as he watched her face harden into her usual mask again. “Happy, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean-”_

_She held up hand to tell him to cut him off, to tell him to wait as she gathered her thoughts enough to say them out loud. “Look,” she sighed finally after some time. “What I told you earlier, I’m not taking back any of it, you know I only say what I mean. But after the last…” She trailed off, and Toby was quick to start apologizing again until she kicked at his shoe to tell him to shut up._

_“The thing is I- I don’t know how much I can… commit to, right off the bat. I’m not saying I don’t want this to be a serious thing, I do, it’s just-”_

_“You’re gonna need time to get used to everything?” he offered gently, and she nodded. “Take all the time you need, Hap. You know I’m not going anywhere.”_

_She gave him a small, grateful smile at that. “I… I’d feel safer if we could test the waters for a while first instead of jumping in.”_

_“Of course, you’ve done enough jumping into water for one day.” He joked, but his tone was far gentler than his usual teasing. Daring to reach up and push some of her hair behind her shoulder so he could see her face more, he was ecstatic when she didn’t resist his action. “I’m more than willing to wait however long you need to, you being comfortable in all this is the most important thing to me.” She couldn’t hold back her blush as she nodded appreciatively at that, and Toby didn’t know it was possible to fall any more in love with her in that moment, but he did._

_“Would you let me take you to dinner?” He asked after a moment of comfortable silence, when she still hadn’t picked up her tools again like he’d thought she would. “Or breakfast tomorrow, whichever you prefer.” He could see the trepidation in her eyes as she looked at him, and rushed to reassure her. “I promise it won’t mean anything more than you want it to. I just… let me make up for the last time, and try and help you figure this out? And if you realize you don’t want this it’s okay, I swear.”_

_She shook her head resolutely at that. “I do want…  this, whatever this might become. I meant it when I said I want to try it again.” Biting her lip for a moment, she agreed to have dinner after she finished dismantling the launch pad. Unable to miss the excitement and elation blooming across Toby’s face, she fought to stop herself from expressing those very same emotions so overtly too, though she knew that he knew._

_“Kovelsky’s?” he asked, his grin audible in his voice. “Or anywhere you want is perfect. Except Papa John’s. Walt’s there with Sly, and you_ know _he’d get a stroke.”_

_And just like that they were back to their usual banter that continued all throughout dinner and until he dropped her off at her apartment, promising to pick her up in the morning and possibly go for breakfast if she felt like it, and she knew this might just work out. As long as she could hide the fact that she was married to another man…_

Remembering last Christmas and the sheer giddiness she desperately wanted to hide over finally telling Toby how she wanted more with him, Happy knew she’d make sure they got back to that feeling for them both. She was lost in the memory that she didn't notice Toby smiling at her as she took a sip of her club soda. “What?” she asked, glass mid-air as she stared back.

“Can't I stare at my girlfriend?” That mischievous air was back around him and he grinned.

“You do that often, Doc. And it's creepy.” There was no malice to her words and she held back a smirk.

Toby's eyebrows raised and he reached for her other hand. “You think I'm creepy?”

“Not anymore,” she said without missing a beat. “If anything I'm used to it now.”

He shrugged, seeing no point to denying his quirks or the fact she was used to all of him these days. “You do know that you could have had alcohol, had you wanted to…” He avoided saying that earlier in the evening as they were still cautious around each other despite what they talked last week.

“I know.” She looked down and bit her lip. “Even with the Plan B, better safe than sorry, right?” There were a million thoughts swirling through Happy's mind and drinking while possibly pregnant was something she didn't want to do. She hoped that she wasn't pregnant as the timing sucked, but if she were, she had no doubt that she and Toby would figure out what to do, together.

“I love you.” He kissed her palm and looked at her so lovingly that she flushed under his gaze. “You're going to make an amazing mother one day, Happy Quinn.”

Her eyes widened and he felt her tense. “But not today…” It was more a question with the way her words hung in the air so he squeezed her hand.

“Ideally, no. But any child of ours would be a product of love and would be wanted, no?”

She swallowed hard, not sure what to say to that other than the prevailing thought that if she were pregnant, she'd want to keep it.

“Yes.” Happy took another sip and they were silent, a heaviness between them as everything seemed to continually get dredged up when what they wanted most was to avoid it for just one night if possible.

They were saved from their own inner monologues by the waiter returning with a beautiful piece of chocolate cake drenched in a salted caramel sauce that had a mountain of homemade whipped cream next to it.

The way Happy's eyes lit up at seeing the dessert was almost childlike and Toby couldn't help but smile at how it was pure magic and how such a simple thing made her mood change for the better.

Before she could lift the spoon, Toby snatched it from her reach and scooped a bite onto it, dipping it into the whipped cream.

Happy pouted and she narrowed her eyes at him. Only Toby didn't eat the bite himself, he held it in front of her lips instead.

“Doc.” Her voice was low with a warning to it but he ignored it and waved the spoon in front of her careful not to spill it.

“Come on, you know you want a bite.”

He was so pleased with himself and Happy didn't have it in her to fight him on this. Taking the bite, she snatched the spoon from his fingers while he gloated.

Now he was the one to pout and she reminded him how she'd always win in the end.

“That's fine by me, darling.” He rested his chin on his palms as he dopily watched her devour half her piece of cake before finally snapping him from the daze by offering him a bite.

* * *

Happy couldn’t keep the smile off her face since they left the restaurant, excited for the rest of the night, of course, but also practically giddy about how _amazing_ the evening so far had been. That turned into a confused frown though when Toby signalled left at the intersection they were approaching. “Where’re you going?” His place was straight ahead and hers was to the right, there was no way he’d miss that.

“You’ll see.” Toby turned to glance briefly at her before returning his attention to the road, that impish grin she loved but had come to miss so much in the past weeks playing on his lips. “And don’t worry, there’ll be more than enough time after this for round two of dessert.”

She felt a blush grow on her cheeks that she knew he wouldn’t see in the dark, but that she also knew he knew would be there. Letting go of the gear shift once the lane they were in started moving again, he reached over to press the back of her hand to his lips. “I’m sure you’ll like it.”

Happy settled into her seat, trusting Toby to take them to wherever it was that he had planned, and found herself almost drifting off from the practically perfect combination of a wonderful evening and the cool night breeze blowing against her in the open cabin of the Monte Carlo. It was salt intermixing with the wind a while later that roused her, the unmistakable smell of the open ocean growing stronger and the streets started looking familiar again.

Sitting up straighter, she looked to Toby for a silent confirmation, but he was staring at the road ahead so steadfastly she knew it was so as to not catch her gaze until they reached the spot. _Their_ spot.

“Toby…” Happy breathed when he finally parked the car at the carpark nearest to the stretch of beach that held so many memories for them, the same carpark where she had unfairly snapped at him just a few weeks ago when he had come with a heavy heart and good intentions to find her and bring her safely back to the garage.

He twisted in his seat to face her, throwing an arm over the back of hers to rub circles on her shoulder. Under the orange glow of the streetlights, she could see that _he_ was blushing this time, but for some reason it seemed to be out of shame. “I… I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did when you asked me to come down here with you last month. I hope this makes up for it.”

Happy felt that intense warmth grow in her heart again, as it had many times over the course of the evening. “Not that there’s anything you had to make up for,” She scooted over on the bench seat to kiss his cheek. “But thank you.”

Smiling, he dipped his head down to kiss her again, but then just took her hand in both of his and sat back against his seat. He shrugged when she nodded over to the beach with a questioning glance, saying how he assumed she wouldn’t want to ruin what she was wearing with all the sand and moisture.

“It’ll be fine,” she assured him as she slipped off her heels, and he slipped off his own shoes and socks to roll up his pants a little at her cue. “And in any case, being there with you is so much more important to me than a stupid dress.”

“It isn’t stupid,” Toby murmured as he walked over to her side to help her out of the car, interlacing their fingers as they crossed the little walkway to get onto the sand. “I don’t think I’ve told you enough times how beautiful you look tonight.”

She leaned against him the slightest bit, making sure it wasn’t too much pressure that he’d lose his balance and slip on the fine grained sand, pulling her down with him. “Just tonight?” She smirked, and he shook his head vehemently.

“Every night.” He pressed a kiss to her temple. “And every day.”

They don’t talk for a while after that, perfectly content with walking along the beach together in a companionable and reflective silence, their hands still intertwined and her leaning into him just enough that their sides were pressed against each other.

He stopped suddenly, and gently tugged her so that she was facing him. The first thing she noted was how his eyes were brighter than the near full moon behind him. “Happy,” he started, tucking her hair behind her ear, and if they weren’t still in the midst of a massive fight regarding her secret husband, she’d have been certain his next move would’ve been dropping onto one knee and pulling out a small velvet box.

The memory of him doing just that, albeit in a different setting, and her having to give the answer she had never wanted to say to him, all completely because of her, had her blinking back tears of regret. He noticed, _of course_ , even in only moonlight he could make out the slightest thing bothering her. “Hap?” he asked, concern audibly added to his voice, and she shook her head as she told him she was good.

A loving smile was on his face as he cupped hers. “Happy, you’re my everything.” And there it was again, that warmth in her heart, and she couldn’t stop a single tear rolling down her cheek. He gently wiped it away, kissing the spot on her cheek where he’d interrupted the tear track, before continuing. “I know things are messy now, and will probably continue being messy for a while, but I swear that everything I’m doing, I’m doing because I want to get past this. All I want is for us to be back to where we were.”

She swallowed back the remainder of the tears before speaking. “We’ll be even better. I promise.” He could hear the resolution in her voice, and when she pulled him down for a kiss, they were both smiling so wide they could barely deepen it for several moments.

They pulled apart when they had to, oxygen demanding to be replenished by their lungs, and Happy moved to wrap her arms around his neck, fully intending to stay in their embrace until they had to go back home. Toby chuckled a little in her ear as he tightened his grip around her waist, fingers tracing patterns on the leather corset of her dress. “You realize there’s a reason I stopped walking at this specific spot, right?”

“Huh?” She stepped back slightly at his seemingly random question, before she looked around to where they were standing. There wasn't a marker there or anything, and to a stranger it would be no different from the miles of beach that stretched out in either direction of them, but that exact spot was so deeply ingrained in her mind she would’ve recognized it even without her eidetic memory. “No way.” She couldn’t keep the emotion out of her voice as she said that, and Toby beamed down at her.

“Give or take a few feet, yeah. We can recreate our first kiss as often as we want to, but the second one isn’t that easy. Except tonight.”

Her eyes were shining as she pulled him down again by his collar. “Then we might as well make the most of this.”

Happy's fingers splayed across his neck as they were prone to do, and she leaned into him with a low moan. She felt his smirk, and the way his hand curled into the material covering her lower back told her he was as anxious as she was.

Moving her hand further up to tug at his curls, it was Toby's turn to moan and he wrapped his other arm around her shoulders to pull her flush against him. She was so content in this moment that she only giggled when she felt her feet lift off the ground. The sound had him near delirious and he spun her around.

That only made her giggle more and she kicked her legs while clutching at his hair. Toby yelped and shook his head until her hands moved down to wrap behind his neck. Rasping against the side of her face, he told her he had her. “You're safe, babe. I promise I won't drop you.”  

“You better not,” she replied and held his face. Happy's lips curved into a smirk as her legs bent up and she dug her knees into Toby's sides. “Just in case,” she said, her knees applying pressure to his sides that would have made his knees buckle had he not been concentrating so hard on remaining upright.

“Damn,” he groaned, his hands shifting to under her thighs. “You will kill me, woman.”

She laughed and rested her forearms on his shoulders. Looking at him, Happy's eyes darkened as she kissed his cheek. “Never. I like you alive, you're much more fun when you can move.” To prove her point, she rolled her hips against him and whispered how she showed him how much the night before.

Caught up in the memory of how she pinned his hands to the bed, he could feel how it was as she kissed down his body achingly slow. He was drawn back to the present moment at feeling her press a slow trail of kisses down his jaw until she was sucking at the spot below his ear that always had him close to coming undone at the seams. The way she knew exactly what did it for him still amazed him. She was so reserved at times but moments like this reminded him how she payed as much attention to him as he did to her.

With his head tipped back, he groaned and they were completely lost in one another, until they heard laughing behind them. The intrusion startled him that he fumbled his hold on Happy and set her down clumsily.

Not believing the situation, she ignored the unwanted passersbys and squeezed his side. “Hey, I knew you'd drop me.”

“Did not, honey bear,” he said as his arms tightened around her and he moved his hands down to rest on the curve of where her lower back met the top of her ass. “I'll never drop you.”

Before she shot back a retort, Toby heard the teenagers mumble how ‘the old people are getting hot and heavy on the beach, gross!’

“Not gross, you brats, passionate. And we're not old!” His cries were met with jeering laughs as the kids continued down the beach and Happy tugged Toby back to look at her.

“They're stupid kids, Doc. Let it go before they call the cops on us.”

“And what would they do that for?” His eyes sparkled and his arms were loosely around her waist again.

“Oh, I don't know. Public indecency,” she deadpanned.

His brow crinkled and he looked her over. “We're both still dressed. And in no state of undress despite me wanting to rip off this tie.” He tugged at his neck and Happy smiled. Toby never liked getting dressed up and his idea of of _dressing up_ consisted of wearing his _good jeans_ with a buttonfront shirt.

Reaching up with both hands, her fingers brushed across the skin of his neck. “Let me help you with that, Doc.”

Toby's hands rested at the small of her back and he held her closer. The way she leaned into him made him hold her tighter as one of his hands slid up her back. “Starting to undress me in public, Hap.” His arrogance was tempered when he felt her tug him down by the tie still around his neck. “Here I thought you didn’t like PDA.”

Happy narrowed her eyes and he froze. “You're insufferable, you know that?” Her hand was still held him in place and she looked up at him. Seeing him swallow thickly, she knew they were reaching a point where a fight could erupt and didn’t know what to do.

He sensed that and swallowed again, deciding to risk it and kissed the tip of her nose. “But you love me anyway, kitten.”

That’s exactly what she needed to break the tension and Happy’s face scrunched up in response. It was also one of the few times they've shared that was playful _since_. And just like that, the moment went from one overridden by lust to one much softer with a deeper meaning.

She quickly loosened the knot of his tie and then rested her hand on his neck. “Let’s go home. I don’t want to hold back any longer.”

“Yes, love,” he said, kissing her cheek before reaching for her hand to walk back to the car.

* * *

They only needed a few minutes to freshen up after getting back from the beach. The sand came off his feet easily enough and both were eager for round two of dessert. Watching Happy roll down the stockings to wash her feet off, he couldn't look away.

“You're beautiful,” he told her, leaning against the bathroom doorframe as she rinsed her feet in the tub. Looking over at him, her eyebrows went up. “It's true, babe.”

Being back in the confines of his apartment, and only them, she couldn't help but blush and look away. It was adorable to Toby how she got like that and he walked over to her.

He kissed the top of her head before grabbing a towel and sitting on the edge of the tub, motioning for her to give him her foot. “I'll dry them and then we can continue our night… if you still want to that is.”

Happy nodded and lifted up her foot for him. “What do you think?”

“I think,” he said in his characteristic smug tone, “that you can't wait to ravish me like you started to on the beach.”

She only gave him a look as he dried off her other foot. When he was done, she took the towel from him and grabbed his hand. “We'll see about that.”

He was about to tell her it was obvious when she led him into the living room and pushed him down onto the couch. As she straddled him, he started to mumble how she really couldn't keep her hands off him but was distracted when she hiked her dress up around her thighs. “You complaining?” Her lips against his ear had him shake his head profusely and she chuckled. “Nobody to interrupt us now.”

Toby moaned as her hand cupped the side of his face and she settled into his lap. Tilting his chin up, she kissed where his scruff ended down his neck. Toby was able to feel the heat between her legs and was certain she could feel him growing harder by the second.

Extremely comfortable where he was, he wrapped his arms around her and tangled his fingers into her hair as she continued kissing his neck. The feel of her lips on his skin was the best feeling in the world and he got lost in it.

So lost that he didn't realize how she had his shirt nearly unbuttoned. It was her fingers brushing against his chest hair that made him look down and reach for her hands.

With his eyes clouded over in lust, Toby laced their fingers and kissed her lips. “My turn,” he said as he buried his face at the nape of her neck, his teeth grazing across her sensitive flesh not wanting to wait. She gasped and her hands wound through his hair to pull at it as she tipped her head back to give him more access. The way she lost herself in him reminded her of how it was when they first got together. He'd dote on her and spend so much time making sure all her desires were met. And he still did that for her.

As he kissed up her neck, she pressed further into him. The way his lips slid across her skin to the spot under her ear that she loved elicited the most delicious moan from her. Wanting to hear it again, he started to suck there and her hands gripped his curls tighter.

“Doc, I will not be covered in hickeys that I can't hide.” She held his head by his hair and Toby stilled, looking up at her in question. Before he could apologize she pushed his head down above her breast and held him there. “I can wear a crew neck next week,” she says through heavy breaths. “Continue.”

“As you command, boss.” He licked over the swell of her breast and his lips puckered when he felt her shudder. “You being bossy is a huge turn on, Hap. Tell me exactly how you want it.”

He couldn't see her roll her eyes but guessed it when she told him he knew damn well what to do. “If you don't, then you don't deserve to call yourself a genius.”

That made him smile and he nipped at her earlobe. She moaned softly and pressed against him more, her fingers at his neck as he kissed along her jawline.

In a swift movement, he had Happy’s back against the arm of the couch and hovered over her. “Comfortable?”

His hands ran down her side and his thumb rubbed along the leather encasing her waist. Happy nodded and bent her knee up to allow him space to settle between her legs. As he kissed between her breasts, her hands reached down for the hem of her dress.

“Leave it on…” The question hung in the air and she let go of the fabric. He grinned and ran his hands along the leather at her waist. “This dress deserves to be worn a bit longer.”

Her eyebrows quirked up and the left side of her mouth curled up. “Don't you mean you have a thing for me staying somewhat dressed during sex?”

Toby sighed dramatically. “I ask you to leave your lingerie on a few times and suddenly you're accusing me of a fetish.”

“Well, if the kink fits…”

His eyes lit. “There’s a difference between fetish and kink.”

“I know,” she told him as she rolled her eyes.

Unable to resist elaborating, he leaned forward to tell her. “A kink is how you get freaky and sexually dominant when we’re in private. A fetish would mean that I couldn’t get off without you wearing something while we had sex.” His hand slid up her thigh and the way her back arched slightly had him drawing circles on her lace covered hip. “And we both know that’s not true.”

She chuckled and his scruff tickled as he kissed her chest. “You do get off easily, Doc, that’s the truth.”

“Not too easily,” he assured her, a slight puffing up of his chest showing through. He waggled his eyebrows and sucked lightly at her collarbone. “Especially not from all the practice we've been engaging in.”

His word choice caused them both to wince and she looked down. Wanting to kick himself, Toby gently held her chin and when their eyes met he apologized.

“Don’t,” she said softly. “It’s true, most of our alone time since January has involved sex. I’m not complaining and I don’t think you are.”

Toby moved off the couch, kneeling in front of her and helping her sit up. “We love each other, Happy, and sex is one of the many ways we show each other how much.”

“Hey, I don’t want our great night ruined because of a stupid word choice.” She reached for his face and kissed him, deeply and pouring into it all she didn’t quite know how to say but he understood nonetheless.

When they broke apart for air, he guided her to lean back in the corner of the couch. “I’ve been waiting all night to enjoy my delectable dessert that is only you, my beautiful sugar plum. Is it alright with you if I start devouring you now?”

She couldn’t stop from laughing at how he managed to be such a goofball yet so smooth all at the same time. Hiking her dress back up, she hooked one leg over his shoulder. “Eat up, Doc.”

“Gladly.” He kissed the inside of her thigh and her body relaxed as he kissed each thigh and made his way to her center. Millimeters away, he stopped to bring a pillow under her to lift her up more to his level. Seeing the mauve lace hipsters she had on, his hands grazed across her. “These are new.”

“Mmm hmm,” she murmured, pressing up into his touch as his hands moved up her body.

His hands stilled under her breasts and she acquiesced to him pulling her neckline down to expose the mauve lace there as well. “Lovely. But for now, back to dessert.”

With all of her on display for him after he pulled the lace down her legs, he kissed right above her clit. His scruffy chin ghosted over her outer lips and a quick gaze up had him see how she bit her lip to keep quiet.

“No need for quiet, love.” It amazed him how she felt the need to censor herself even with him. All he wanted was for her to be comfortable being free with him and she made such progress on that front. Bringing his one hand up, he ran his thumb across her lips hoping she’d part them for him. Which she did, and he slipped his finger between them.

Happy playfully bit his thumb and told him to give her a reason not to be.

“Challenge accepted.” He took her hand in his and squeezed it before dipping his head back between her thighs.

Everything about her set each one of his nerve endings on fire. Her scent, her taste, how her eyes closed as she reveled in the attention he lavished on her. It was electrifying and the way she relaxed under his every touch made him want to satisfy her even more. He grew more and more intoxicated with her as the seconds ticked by.

Breathing her in, he made his tongue flat and carefully drew a straight line up her folds, stopping just under her clit. He repeated that several times and moved with her rocking her hips in an effort to have him connect with her clit. But he took his time, kissing and licking around her center to extract moans and whines from her that spurred him on.

He slowly continued and the release bubbled up inside her as he felt her breathing quicken. The more he teased her, the more powerful her orgasm would be.

“Toby.” His name was a whisper on her lips and he took that moment to slip a finger through her folds. She bucked up at the new feeling and grinned down at him. Keeping eye contact with her, he circled her clit with his tongue before sliding his finger down to tease her entrance.

He knew this was how she liked it and wanted to watch her unravel for him. Deliberately crooking his finger forward inside her, he found the rough patch of skin that sent her through the roof. He knew he had her g-spot at how her fingers dug deep into his shoulder and he licked hard up the crease of her thigh to increase the sensory overload.

They reached the point where she was beyond speaking coherently in anything other than a string of curse words laced with the two syllables of his name.

This was Toby’s sweet spot, where he felt Happy’s body start to shake and her inner muscles spasm around his face. Though he was confident in his ability to please her, the way her body reacted told him it was true, and how her hands clutched at his shoulder and hair didn't hurt to feed his ego further.

Moving back to her clit to bring her over the edge, he circled it, alternating running his tongue over the swollen nub. He kept rhythm with his tongue and finger as each ministration brought her closer to climax. She shook more as she came and Toby's lips stayed wrapped around her clit. She soon cried out with the short bursts of pleasure reverberating through her and he kept pace to ensure she didn’t miss any wave.

When she finished coming, her body slumped against the couch. Her breathing was still heavy and she finally let go of him to run her hands through her own hair as she calmed down. He watched her chest rise and fall as he released her clit only to draw his tongue down her slit lapping up her juices. The way she tasted was sweet nectar to him and he didn’t want to waste a precious drop of it. 

Still ultra sensitive, Happy whimpered lightly while squirming at his actions. He paused to look up at her and saw that her eyes were closed. Being able to see the contentment on her face, Toby continued. He moved away from her clit to let her recover before they went again and took her outer lips between his lips. This she liked, and her hands finding their way back to hold his head in place told him how much. The residual waves of pleasure he gave her were felt by them both, her in her thighs and lower abdomen while he felt them fluttering around his mouth and face.

Not knowing how much time passed, her tugging at him had him kiss her clit once more before leaning over her on the couch. She grinned and brought him in for a kiss, not caring how she was all over his scruff. He looked for something to wipe his face with and she shook her head. “I don’t care, you look hot,” she purred in his ear.

Those words from her mouth had him straining in his trousers and his head dipped down to kiss under her ear. When he did that, he caught a whiff of the perfume she had on for the second time in her life and in that instant was drawn back to earlier that evening.

 _Tugging a little at his suit jacket, Toby almost laughed to himself at how irrational it was for him to be feeling this much of nervousness and anticipation. Sure they hadn’t gone out on such a formal date before, but this was_ them _, and even with the tension lingering between them, they were still so natural and in sync._

_“Almost done,” Happy called to him as she stepped out of the bedroom, and all the jokes Toby had planned about how she’d finally become a typical girl in terms of taking eons to get ready for a date vaporized as he took in how stunning and absolutely perfect she looked._

_Not that she didn't always look stunning. But tonight, tonight, tonight she looked exceptionally stunning. Her hair was curled and bigger than he'd ever seen it and wow, she was the most beautiful sight Toby ever had the honor of being able to look at._

_From her hair, he was drawn downwards and locked eyes with her. Those beautiful, dark brown orbs that pulled him in whenever he made eye contact and that he knew he'd happily drown in them time and time again. Tonight there was an devilish glint to hers, bright yet with a tinge of nervousness that he shared with her. The makeup accentuating her eyes was darker than her usual shadow and he took notice of how they seemed to pop more with how she rimmed her inner eyeline with black liner._

_Then her lips, those full lips he'd kissed countless times and wanted to kiss for the rest of his life. They twitched up as she was well aware of how unable he was to take his eyes off of her. But there was still too much room between them so he took a step towards her to bridge the gap more._

_Last but certainly not least, was the little black dress she had on. He couldn't believe she owned a little black dress but chided himself as he should have known better. It hugged her curves in all the right places and caused his racing heart to skip a beat. Leather wrapping around her waist immediately drew his gaze there and his eyebrows went up as his eyes widened at the amount of cleavage she had on display._

_She must have seen his fingers itching itching to hold hers because she reached out for him and took a step closer to him. He smiled widely as he took a step forward to lace their fingers. He squeezed them and her eyes looked up to see his mouth still slightly open and a smile crept onto her lips._

_“This is the dress I wore for that first date… The shoes too.” Happy kicked her leg out playfully and he stepped closer._

_“Are those stockings you're wearing, Miss Quinn?” He didn't know how he didn't see them earlier but he chalked it up to being momentarily stunned by her beauty._

_With a blush on her cheeks, she smirked before answering him. “Those are new.” Resting her hands on his chest, she didn't have to lean up too much in her heels. “So is what I'm wearing underneath,” she whispered, her hand sliding up the side of his face and into his hair._

_The way he gulped was so_ Toby _and she chuckled softly. And the way she rendered him speechless was something only Happy had the ability to do to him. Bending down, he hugged her tight as a low, guttural groan escaped. With his face nuzzling into her hair, he breathed in deeply only to pull back sharply. On top of the hairspray, he could smell traces of perfume and pulled back, his hands on her shoulders and his eyes glassy._

_“Second time I'm wearing perfume, Doc. Both times for you.”_

_Seeing so clearly now how much she had been anticipating that first date, and particularly given how much more guarded she had been back then, he knew it was an even bigger deal then than it was now after months of dating, Toby’s gut wrenched with guilt at having stood her up all those months ago. “Oh Hap,” he whispered, apology and regret clear as day in his voice. “I can’t believe I did that to you-”_

_Happy smiled softly, reaching up to cut him off with a reassuring kiss before knocking his hat off his head in one swift motion. “You can make up for that by ditching the hat tonight.” She smirked playfully before he could whine or protest._

_“Fine.” He overdramatized sadness, picking up his hat and patting it as he gently placed it on the coffee table. Turning back to her, his expression became solemn again as he took her hands in his. “I’m still so sorry I let you down that day, and I swear I’m going to make up for it tonight.”_

_“Looks like we’re even on the messing us up part, huh?” Happy laughed a little before Toby’s expression and how he dropped her hands told her he didn’t find it funny._

_And he didn't find it funny, at all. In an instant, he felt the fury he’d forced down rise up in him again._ How dare she compare her systematic and intentional lies to a genuine mistake on my part? _He seethed,_ not to mention how she punished me for months after, but expected me to just forgive her the next day _._

_Happy winced when she saw his eyes, that had so been bright with excitement and love just a moment ago, glaze over with an all-too-familiar rage in them. “Toby, I didn't mean-”_

_Looking down at her when she all but pleaded his name, Toby knew this wasn’t the time to devolve into another fight, not when they had both been so hopeful that this date would mark a new chapter for them, a step closer to getting past this and moving on. Shaking his head to force the anger down again and clear his head, he smiled at her and offered his elbow._

_She took it more than gratefully, but also with a hint of uncertainty, and it killed him. Leaning down to kiss her, he let his lips linger on hers before pulling back to talk. “I promised you yesterday that tonight is going to be perfect, and I’m not going to break that.”_

_At the way she visibly relaxed in relief, Toby knew that no fight, which would achieve nothing other than reopening their wounds yet again anyway, was worth ruining the evening he had planned to show her just how far they'd come._

_“Shall we?” He nudged her gently, and she smiled so wide as she nodded._

_“Indeed.”_

“Doc?” Happy pressing closer to him brought him out of his memory. “You okay?”

Smiling so softly at her, his gaze was adoring as he told her he was great. She noticed the hint of melancholy in his eyes though, and how he seemed ever so slightly detached from where they had just been, and asked if he wanted to talk first.

Of course he did, but given the moment they were in and the magic of the evening they’d just had, Toby couldn’t bear to risk losing it all if their talking turned into yet another screaming match. Added to that the guilt that was so heavy in his heart at how he had let her down last year, now that he knew how much she was hurting after their failed date, and all he wanted to do in the moment was to make her feel good.

So, he shook his head and cupped her face before leaning up to kiss her ever so gently. “We’ll talk later, but for now, will you allow me to make love to you, Happy?”

Her entire demeanor softened and she nodded. Whenever he'd ask to make love to her like that, it was usually after a moment turned sour for them but he didn't want to lose what they had going in it. And neither did she.

“Yes, Doc,” she told him, running her hand through his curls and smiling gently at him. The heat between them intensified and she kissed him. It was light and her lips took his lower one between them, releasing it slowly before she rested her forehead against his.

Toby took a deep breath to steady himself from the emotional whiplash he felt and in an effort to get back to the previous mood. Happy saw his inner turmoil and her fingers moved to his face and she held the side of his face, her thumb brushing over his cheek. “What can I do for you, Doc?”

“Hold tight, love bug,” he said with a glint back in his eyes as his hands cupped under her ass.

She grinned and when he stood up with her in his arms, he wasted no time in getting back his bedroom and setting her down on the bed.

In the center of the bed, Toby stood at the foot of the bed and took her in. Her knees were bent up to the side and the flush on her cheeks was from _him_ earlier. The mauve lace peeked out from the dress and he lowered himself down to her.

“Hey there.” On his side, his hand ran his hand up her side. “This dress is beautiful, Hap. Very worthy of you.”

The sincerity in his tone had her look away. She still had moments of uncertainty where his reverence for her made her self-conscious. Not knowing what to say, she acted in a way that she was certain of, _physically_. Needing the skin on skin contact they were both keen for, she was done waiting and reached up for his collar.

His shirt was unbuttoned from before and Happy finished the job. Toby shrugged the cotton off and returned his attentions to her. “How about I take this off now?”

“If you want…” Her hand rested at her chest and the way she trailed her fingers down between her breasts caused Toby to jump to action. Quicker than she expected, he had the dress pulled over her head and in a heap near the pillows.

“I love you,” he said, resting over her and still in his trousers.

“What’s your plan, cowboy? You going down on me again or do you want to lose clothes and make good on your promise to make love to me?”

He kissed her cheek and smirked at her nickname for him. She pretended not to like his pet names but she had a few for him that he’d never have guessed. And this one reminded him of when they started after Antarctica.

“I want to make love to you, then I’ll go down on you again.”

She arched her back as he removed her bra and then kissed her stomach. He only moved away from her to unbutton his trousers, kicking them and his boxers off the bed.

She wasn’t going to argue and reached for his hand to pull him back to her. But he surprised her and held her while trying to sit up.

“What are you doing?” she asked with a chuckle as she got her balance kneeling with him.

“I want us sitting up, do you mind?” He looked up and she smiled. Her head shook and he fumbled a little moving to sit at the headboard with her straddling him.

“You always want romance, Doc.” Happy shifted off his lap to grab a condom from the nightstand drawer and then settled back on his lap, holding his face to kiss him.

He held her waist and parted his lips for her, and he was the one who moaned as she licked her way into his mouth. There was no usual fight for dominance and their kissing was languid. Happy played with his chest hair and was still kissing him when her hand reached down to wrap around his cock. Toby jerked and his thumbs dug into her abdomen, gasping and then whining.

Happy was pleased with his reaction and her lips curled up. “You’re raring to go.” She watched him struggle to keep his eyes open while her hand languidly pumped him.

He tried to find the words but failed when the only thing out of his mouth was a strangled sound. It was quick work ripping open the condom wrapper with her teeth and rolling it down his shaft. Their eyes locked and it was unspoken his consent before she guided him into her easily.

Toby groaned as she sank onto him. Pulsing her inner muscles around him, he gripped her hips tightly. Once more she held the side of his face with one hand resting on his chest as she rocked her hips. It was only moments later that she gasped at how this angle allowed him to hit the perfect spot in her that had her seeing stars. Eager for more of that feeling, she kept rocking her hips.

Toby kept his hands at her waist and let her control the pace, every slow drag of skin set his nerves on fire and he wanted to lose himself in it. He closed his eyes and rocked his hips up to meet hers.

Cupping the side of his face, he opened his eyes and the intensity she saw comforted her like nothing else could anymore. Their eye contact used to scare her but now, after all they've been through and how this intimacy wasn't the everyday she used to take for granted, she looked forward to it. Fighting the urge to blink for fear the moment would be gone, she trusted him and her eyes closed momentarily.

When she her eyes opened and once again found his hazel green ones, they looked back at her with so much love and adoration.

“Penny for your thoughts, sweetheart?” His breath, warm against her ear had her bury her face in his hair while his scruff nuzzled into her neck.

“You know how much I love you, right?” She asked so quietly and the way she didn’t look at him broke his heart yet again for the predicament they were in.

“Of course I do.” His hand held the side of her face and he swept back a lock of hair to lean in for a soft yet deep kiss. “I always have and always will.”

She sighed and rested her forehead against his. “I'm just as in love with you, you crazy shrink.”

He chuckled and told her how he loved her so much that it was never going to change. With his voice lower than its usual timbre and how it had that raspy quality now, she ached in the best way possible.

Happy rocked her hips more and he matched her rhythm. They moved comfortably back and forth as their climaxes built. He had one hand on her lower back for support and kissed the tip of her nose. “Is it okay if I do this, sweetheart?”

Before she could respond, his hand slid between them and his thumb tapped her clit. The sharp intake of breath she took had him rest his finger there with no pressure.

“Yes, but I’ll come soon if you do that.”

“I’m fine with that.”

“Of course you are, Doc.” Happy lifted up and he hit her g-spot when she slid back down him.

Toby felt her jolt and stroked her clit. “Keep moving, babe, come for me.”

She moved up and down while he kept his hand on her as well, watching how she tipped her head back and closed her eyes. Pressing a kiss to the curve of her neck, he whispered how hot she looked in the throes of passion.

Happy didn’t miss a beat and ran her hand down his side. “Time to see you unravel too.” She reached for his balls and he froze.

“Well… cat got your tongue?” Her thumb rubbed between them and she swayed her hips side to side.

“Kitty’s got something,” he murmured.

And she laughed, clear and pure and had him break into a grin and laugh with her. “You’re amazing, Happy.”

The air was playful and full of desire and overwhelming love. Kissing him, their hands continuing on the other. Soon, Happy’s inner muscles clenched around him in tandem with her hand fondling him. He said he wouldn’t last much longer and she whispered how she didn’t care as they both neared their peaks.

Toby came first and moaned into her shoulder as he let go. She grinded harder down on him to get own release and even though he was still hazy from his, he kept massaging her clit to bring her orgasm to the forefront.

With both outer and inner stimulation, she rode out her climax with a string of moans laced with _fuck_ and _oh, Toby, that’s the spot_. Slumping forward, he fell back onto the pillows. Discarding the condom in a tissue when she climbed off of him, he brought her back against his side and drew circles on her back while she steadied her breathing.

She knew she should clean up but didn’t want to break their moment. Tonight was perfect in so many ways and for most of the night she was able to forget the mess they were in and would continue to be in until they tracked down Dylan and she obtained the divorce once and for all. But now, all she thought about was how Toby retreated earlier into his own mind and she wanted to know why.

“Hey, Doc.” He looked down at her and she rested her cheek on his chest. “You still want to talk?”

“I’ll do anything as long as I’m allowed to hold you in my arms all night.” His lips pressed a kiss to her hand and she smiled tightly at him.

“Where did you go earlier? When we were kissing on the couch.”

Toby exhaled slowly and closed his eyes. “Thinking about how I messed up with our date last year. I smelled your perfume, and remembered how much I hurt you when I overslept it.”

“Hey,” she said as she shifted her body to drape over his. “Last year, I… I don't know how we would have been. I wasn't anywhere near where I am today and with everything you now know, who knows what would have happened.”

“You were mad for a long time, Hap.”

“I was,” she stated. “But I was also unfairly hiding secrets of my own and figuring so much out. We're together now though, and that's what counts. Right?”

Her looking at him with such uncertainty proved too much and he moved so quickly to hold her face and kiss her that she was stunned in more ways than one.

“We’re always going to be together, babe, always.” He rushed to guarantee her verbally and felt her body relax a little. “It’s weird where we are now, there’s no denying that.” She shook her head knowing that was true and he kept talking. “It’s weird and hurts a good deal of the time but we’re not giving up, okay? Never in my life will I give up on you or us. You’re the love of my life and you having a past different than what I thought doesn’t change that. _I love you_ and that’s fact. I love you without condition.”

“But you’re still upset…”

He let out a breath and said he was still upset. “But I’d be more upset if we weren’t together. And how we are gives me hope that we are going to get to the other side of this, to you being properly single.”

“Then what..?”

She wasn’t able to say it even though he knew the main question on her mind at all times was when, and if, he’d propose again. But Toby knew he couldn’t tell her he’d propose right after as he didn’t know _how_ he’d feel when they crossed that bridge. So, he told her the truth, as he always had and always would. “Then we’ll figure it out, together. You’re my future, Hap, nobody else.”

That eased her mind some but she wasn’t able to stop from hiding her face in the crook of his neck.

“Tell me what’s going through that beautiful mind of yours,” he prodded. When she stayed still Toby thought he pushed too soon and she might retreat away from him. But she didn’t and moved to look up at her.

“I’m thinking,” she said while her leg slipped between his and her knee drew up to tease him, “how you said you’d go down on me again.”

More than happy to let the mood shift from wistful to lascivious, he quirked his eyebrows up at her. “I did promise that.” She grinned and Toby’s hands pulled hers. “But how about you come up and then I’ll go down?”

Knowing what he wanted, and liking how he thought, Happy kneeled back only to inch towards him and settle over his face.

With his hands on her hips, Toby inhaled her scent and licked his lips at how wet she was. “More dessert, with extra frosting this time,” he rasped as he nipped at her inner thigh. “I’m a lucky man.”

* * *

* * *

_It's amazing how a little tomorrow can make up for a whole lot of yesterday._

_\- John Guare_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time =D


	16. Chapter 16

_I hide because there’s more to me than what you see and I’m not sure you’d like the rest. I know that sometimes, I don’t like the rest._

_\- Iain Thomas_

* * *

* * *

“Okay, clearly neither of you are feeling the sock puppets,” Rizzuto sighed, motioning for them to return them to him. “If you want to have a boring session, let’s have a boring session.”

Happy slumped back against the couch, wondering how on earth all the hopefulness that had been surrounding them going for this second session had mostly evaporated. Toby's face morphed into one of distaste the moment Rizzuto brought out the sock puppets, and they had both been unnecessarily snarky and hit below the belt during that exercise.

Toby sighed heavily, burying his face in his hands for a moment before looking up again. “I know we said things had been getting better, and they have, really, I just… I still can’t bring myself to trust her like I used to.”

Rizzuto almost looked relieved at finally having something to work with. “In what ways, Tobias?”

“It's like these days things are too good to be true, you know? And I know better than to relax in that.” Toby shrugged, glancing apologetically over at Happy before looking back at Rizzuto. “I can’t shake off the feeling that she’s still being secretive. I don’t know why, I-”

“You still don’t trust me?” Happy sounded completely heartbroken, and it devastated Toby.

Turning to face her, he tried to hold her hand in both of his, but this time she was the one who pulled away. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, Hap. I do, in so many ways I do. But you need to understand that getting back to where we used to be is still going to take some time.”

“I can’t believe I thought that we’d made some progress after our date,” she mumbled, more to herself than for them to hear. Both men heard though, and Rizzuto asked her to elaborate further.

“It was amazing,” Happy said softly, and Toby knew it meant as much to her as it had to him, she hardly ever used such words to describe anything. “Or at least I thought it was. We actually managed to get through an entire night without fighting, and-” She seemed to catch herself becoming too emotional and sat up straight, starting to slip her mask back on again. “Clearly not that any of it mattered enough to fix anything.”

“It did matter, Hap. It matters so much.” Toby shifted closer despite her glaring at him not to, desperate to show her that not back to perfect didn’t mean they were back to square one.

But Happy didn’t take it as such, instead huffing how the fact that he still can't trust her meant they hadn’t achieved much at the end of the day. “If it did, you’d learn to trust me again.”

“And I am learning to trust you. But the operative word here is ‘learning’, Hap. You can’t expect one date to change everything overnight.” Toby's logic made perfect sense, and Happy knew that. But her instinct to turn her vulnerability into anger was taking over again and she found herself spinning what could have been rationally discussed into yet another fight.

“So what, you were just putting up a show, then? Placating me with your words and actions and trying to trick me into thinking things were getting better when they’re so obviously not?”

Toby could see her getting worked up again, but given their relatively peaceful last few days he tried to calm things down as best he could. “Putting up a show is the last thing I’d do, you know that if there’s something wrong I’d tell you.” He bit his tongue to stop himself from adding a bitter _unlike you_. “Our date was pretty much perfect and we are making so much progress. I’m sorry that I can’t flip a switch so easily, and I’m sorry I can’t shake off this feeling that there are still some things you aren’t telling me, but that doesn’t mean-”

“You know, Doc, you’re not completely innocent on the being vague and secretive side of things. Where do you disappear to almost every other night?” Happy demanded as she cut him off, her hurt at Toby still being unable to trust her now fully translating into defensiveness and anger. Rizzuto sat forward a little, highly interested in this new piece of information.

“Out.” He answered so simply that Happy felt her heart stop. “With Rory, and only him. He’s been helping me the past few months. Definitely more than any of you.” Toby knew he had to reassure her he wasn’t seeing anyone else in that way, though he couldn’t keep the snide out of his answer.

Happy couldn’t help the slightest sigh of relief at him alleviating her worst fears, though she couldn’t resist the power of having the upper hand even if for that brief moment. “Would you have told me if I hadn’t forced it out of you just now?”

“Wow,” Toby’s eyes flashed as he looked back at her. “ _You’re_ questioning _me_ on being secretive. Who’d have thought?”

“Well, what about you, Happy?” Rizzuto intercepted before they erupted into another fight. “Would you have told Toby about your marriage if you hadn’t been forced to when he proposed?” For the first and only time since meeting Cecil Rizzuto, Toby gave him a nod of appreciation tinged with approval.

“Well?” Toby turned to look at her when she was still for longer than she would have needed to answer the simple question. Her eyes were filling with tears again, and she looked down at her lap to avoid the gaze of either man. Toby could feel the blood pulsing in his ear when she shook her head, the movement so slight it was barely perceptible, but he refused to accept the answer it conveyed.

“Wha- what does that mean?”

Sitting up, Happy took a deep breath before facing Toby. Her eyes shone with the pain she felt and she closed them before speaking with a strained voice. “Don't make me say it.”

“Happy,” Rizzuto prodded as gently as he could given the ramifications of what was finally coming to the surface. “The entire purpose of our sessions is to talk. You need to answer Toby just as he answered you.”

“Fine,” she said thickly, looking back at her hands as she dug her nails into her palm. The pain she inflicted reminded her this wasn't a nightmare she could wake up from. Having stalled as long as possible with Toby's eyes boring into the side of her head, she took a deep breath. “It means, if I had found a way out of this before you had to know, I would not have told you.”

“What?” Toby breathed, unable to process the weight of what she just revealed. A revelation that unsettled him more than anything had in his life. How she would have been perfectly content to keep him in the dark for the rest of their lives.

“I told you…” She pressed her lips together, unable to speak more than a few words at a time without risking her tears spilling. “I didn’t want to change the way you looked at me.”

“That _might_ have changed the way I look at you, but this _definitely_ will.” Toby was coming out of the shock, and a rage bubbled up in him that he never thought he had, even in the days immediately following her bombshell and learning how the entire team had known except him. “You would have let me go my whole life with you living a lie?”

“It wouldn’t have been a l-”

“How many times have I gone through that with you, Happy?” Toby exploded so loud that even the usually cool and collected Rizzuto jumped. “Not telling the whole truth _is a lie_.”

“Okay, Tobias, maybe take a breather and-”

Toby barely even heard Rizzuto as he ran his hand through his hair, gripping it out of anger, for once not caring how his hat got knocked off his head and fell onto the floor. “So you’re telling me that if you ‘had a way out of this’ as you so eloquently put it, I would have spent the rest of my life thinking that I was your first and only husband-”

“Toby-”

“And being a complete _idiot_ , while you laugh yourself to sleep every night at how _blind_ and _utterly stupid_ I am?”

Tears now streamed down her face and she didn’t even bother to hide it. She had always known she was making the wrong decision, but she knew she’d have never found it in her to be completely honest with him about this if she didn’t have to. “I would have never-”

“Never what, huh Happy? Never told me about this? Yeah, you made that part _abundantly_ clear.” When she tried to inch closer to him, he jumped up as if her touch would burn him, kicking his hat aside when he almost tripped on it, before pacing around the tiny room. Happy reached down to pick up his hat, the only part of him she had left to hold on to at the moment, and Rizzuto winced as Toby got a little too close to his beloved bonsais. “ _God_ , just when I wanted to start trusting you again.”

“Tobias…” Rizzuto tried to reach out, both for the sake of the session but also his bonsais, only to retract his hand as Toby turned to glare at him instead, a fury burning in his eyes that he had never seen before in the usually calm psychiatrist.

This _is why you need practical experience, online degrees only show you the cosy side of life_ , Toby would've otherwise teased Rizzuto, but he was too enraged to think of anything else at the moment. Enraged, but also _so_ _hurt_ , that Happy would have been fine hiding such a massive secret from him for the rest of their lives, without so much as the slightest hint.

“So that's it? You'd have never bothered to tell me? What, am I not worthy to know all of you? Am I just a toy for you play around with, whose heart you were planning to rip out when you got bored and done-”

“Toby, stop!” Happy jumped up herself wiping at her eyes. She knew planning to keep her marriage to Dylan from him as long as she could was far from the smartest idea she's had, but Toby continuing to go on about how she had been thinking of doing that just to hurt him had the anger rise up again in her, too. “That was _never_ my intention. An awful consequence, yes, but I never wanted to hurt you. How do you not know that?”

Toby stopped pacing then, turning to her and staring expectantly, hoping for some, _any_ , explanation that might just justify her what she'd just admitted to. “What Dylan and I had was merely surface, practically _nothing_ compared to what we have.”

“I already told you I don't want to hear about what you had with him.” Toby snapped, and Rizzuto used that moment of stunned silence to butt in and ask if Toby felt threatened by Dylan, and if that was why he refused to know anything about him.

“If she could hide him from me once, what's to stop her from hiding him from me again?” Toby replied coldly, and Happy became simply livid.

“Did you just imply that I would _cheat on you_ ? You may think low of me, Toby, but I never thought you'd stoop _that_ low. I would _never_ do that to you, you have to trust me on at least that.”

Rizzuto nodded at her, trying to placate them both at the same time. “She does have a point, Tobias. It is a leap from this to her cheating on you.”

Toby calmed down a little at that, bracing his arms on a table behind him and taking a deep breath. “I know,” he looked at Happy apologetically. “I'm sorry, Hap, I didn't mean it like that. It's just… it's hard to hear you talk about him when he’s the man you married, and that's more than I'll get.”

Happy felt her heart stop. “Are you saying you don't want to marry me anymore now?”

“Happy, I-”

“So what, Doc, you won’t re-propose and marry me because I have a past different than what you thought? How is that fair?”

“God, Happy.” Toby managed through gritted teeth, gripping his hair again. “That's not what I meant-”

“And hurting you is not what _I_ meant-”

“But with all the progress you're _not_ making in finding him, I'm starting to doubt you can even get that divorce.”

Happy sat back down, resigned, though the determination never wavered from her voice. “Toby, you have to know I'm trying everything I can. Walt has tracking softwares running in every major airport he can get into, and Cabe has pulled every string he could. I'm sorry it's taking so long, I hate it too, but Dylan is-”

“No.” Toby interrupted, hearing Dylan's name again only serving to remind him about how he might have never even known about that part of Happy's life if he hadn't proposed as fast as he did. “This isn't about D- _him_ , or finding him. Right now, Happy, this is about _you_ , and how you would've been perfectly fine hiding years of your life from me forever-”

“Don't you see how I already regret that?!”

Toby scoffed coldly. “Yeah, of course _now_ you regret that. Now that you know I'm not going to just sit back and let you fuck with me and my emotions for the fun of it anymore without fighting back.”

“What?” Happy breathed, almost curling into herself on the plush couch. “I'd never hurt you for the fun of it.”

“You sure?” He raised an eyebrow, that somehow created a distance between them that hadn't even existed when they'd first met. “How about you running around last year pretending you suddenly got this new boyfriend and practically cutting me out of your life for months? Huh? Or-”

“I was _scared_ , okay?” She screamed through the now-familiar tears stinging at her eyes. “I was falling for you so hard and I'd never felt this strongly about anyone else in my life before, and I didn't know how to-”

“Didn't know how to tell me you were already married? Oh wait no, _that_ was never a problem. You'd already made up your mind to never tell me about him.”

Toby's voice was so… detached, that Happy couldn't stop the second wave of tears running down her cheeks. “Toby, please.”

Seeing her cry again made his heart clench, but this new revelation _just_ as he had been about to forgive her wholeheartedly- he had come to this session with the hope that this would be the one that wrapped everything up, instead it not only tore open healing wounds but created whole new ones- had Toby almost losing control of his own emotions. “Let me get this right. You were scared of your feelings for me, and instead of coming clean about your husband so we could deal with it, you made up a whole story about a secret boyfriend to push me away? Because that makes sense.”

Rizzuto was at a loss by now, scribbling down as much information as he could gather without interrupting either of them for more details, while flipping desperately through the short notes Paige has supplied him hoping to find more context about what they were currently talking about.

Giving up, he called both their names to get their attention. “I'll admit that I don't know what you're talking about, but maybe if you could just let the past be in the past and-” He winced when Toby turned to him, incredulous, and he realized his mistake.

“Let the past be in the past and never bring it up again?” Toby finished his sentence for him, ignoring how Rizzuto flustered as he tried to say that wasn't what he had been trying to get at. “Well since you're clearly on her side, you two have fun chatting. I'm out of here.”

“Toby-” Happy tried to call out, but she was cut off by the door slamming behind him.

By the time she managed to grab his hat and bid a hasty goodbye to Rizzuto before running after him, Toby was already at her truck in the small lot behind Rizzuto’s office and kicking the tire.

“Hey,” she snapped, coming over to him and and grabbing his arm. “You’re pissed off at me, don’t take it out on my truck.” She had meant it with the intention to get him to talk to her, but it only flared more hostility in him.

Whipping around and wrenching free from her grip, he took a step back. “Fine, I’ll leave your precious truck alone.”

Sighing, Happy took a deep breath and unlocked the doors, gently tossing his hat into the back before getting into the driver’s side. “Get in, the sooner we get back to the garage the better.”

“First right thing you’ve said all day,” he mumbled as he got in, crossing his arms after buckling his seatbelt. The truck was hot from having been parked outside for almost an hour, but neither noticed it as the chill between them permeated every surface.

At a red light a few blocks away Toby still hadn’t spoken, the aircon blasting being the only sound in the cabin. He seethed as he looked out the window and Happy had enough. “Listen, Doc,” she said with her forearms on the steering wheel, “I’m sorry for what got said back there but we need to talk. How else will we get better?”

“Better?” he raged finally looking at her. “Explain to me how I’ll ever get better knowing that not only did you keep hidden from me the fact you’re a married woman, but also the fact you’d have been just peachy with never telling me.”

She blanched and swallowed hard trying to figure out what to say without breaking down again. However, Toby pressed deeper before she could. “I could live with the fact you’ve been married before, Happy. What I can’t live with is how you’re so content to lie to me and have our entire relationship and life together be a lie as well.”

“It’s not a lie, Toby, our life together is not a lie.” She reached for him but when he practically hissed at her hand on his thigh, she pulled back.

The horn of the car behind them alerted Happy that the lights had changed to their favor, and in all honesty she was relieved to be able to preoccupy herself with the road. She felt his glare burn into her now, as he no doubt realized how she was concentrating on driving far more than she’s ever had in the past so she could avoid continuing their conversation. “First time you’ve been this careful on the road,” he commented, intending for it to cut.

And it did, but Happy fought to keep her mask up as she intentionally missed the turn that would have taken them back to the garage, wanting to have as much time with Toby as she could, because no doubt he’d want to have nothing to do with her the moment he had the chance.

“Or maybe I spoke too soon,” she heard him mutter beside her before it turned into a sneer. “What, you forgot the road back just like you would’ve _conveniently_ _forgotten_ to tell me about hubby dearest?”

Her grip was so tight on the steering wheel that her knuckles were turning white when she pleaded his name, but he wasn’t done yet.

“What else haven’t you told me?” He demanded, running through all of their interaction in his mind now to see what else he might have missed. “Just who have I been sleeping with nearly every night?”

Happy’s foot slipped off the clutch at what he just asked, and the truck jerked forward a little as the gears grinded in protest. “What?” She breathed, barely able to process his question.

“Who have I really given my heart to, Happy?” Toby pressed, a little sadness started slipping back in through his rage. “Because it's yours now and I wouldn't want anyone else to have it but why wasn't I good enough for you to trust me with yours?"

Happy felt the all too familiar now pin-prick sting the back of her eyes and she knew she ought to pull over before tears obscured her vision, but she was far from the safest driver anyway, and at least this gave her an excuse to not have to see how Toby’s face was contorted with anger and disappointment at her. She told him how he was more than good enough and this was her failing, not his. "Toby, it's still me. I made a horrible mistake in not telling you.”

“You don’t say,” he muttered darkly, and for once Happy found herself grateful for the notorious LA traffic as they pulled up to another red light and she could turn to face him for a moment.

“I'm sorry and I will be sorry for the rest of my life because there was nothing I wanted more than to say yes to you when you proposed. But I couldn't in good conscience and now the truth is out there. Please look at me." She pleaded as Toby kept his gaze firmly out the windshield.

“Where are you going?” was his only response, it was almost as if he hadn’t heard any of what she’d just said, and Happy bit back a sigh as she shifted the truck into gear again and told him she was taking them to the beach.

“We need the fresh air in a neutral place to discuss what happened, even if you don’t want to right now.”

Toby snapped his head around to glare at her, incredulous. “Even if- even if _I_ don’t want to? _You_ were the one who held back from discussing any of this for the better part of a decade, and now you’re trying to push the blame onto _me_?”

Happy pressed her lips together as she realized her mistake. “Toby, I didn’t mean-”

He cut her off with a heavy sigh, leaning back against his seat almost casually. “You know I’ll forgive you eventually, so why do you keep pushing?” His sudden switch back to such a cool demeanor snapped something in Happy, and she cut diagonally across two lanes before screeching to a stop on the right-most lane. Several cars blared their horns in protest, and she knew they were lucky to not have gotten into a serious accident, but in that moment she couldn’t bring herself to care about any of that.

"Why?!" She exclaimed as her voice rose almost two octaves higher than normal. "Because I am dying inside at an alarming rate, Doc. And I'm desperate to fix this. I know I moved at a snail's pace with you and us but I let you in and I do love you with all my heart. A heart you see as black now but that's not true. I'm technically married to a man I haven't seen in eight years. I've tried tracking him down and haven't been able to. When I explain, you get angry. Tell me what you need and I'll do it. I will do anything you ask of me because the way you look at me now breaks my heart yet I'm staying because it's high time I fight for us and I am not leaving without one hell of a fight."

She was breathing so heavily at the end of her rant, the tears now making her eyes glisten, but Toby forced himself to ignore all that. “Do you want a medal for that little speech?” He asked, still leaning back against in seat in that cool manner that frustrated her more than anything that had happened that day.

“Is that all you have to say?” She whispered in such stark contrast to how she had last spoken that it seemed volumes louder.

Toby steeled his expression that sickeningly reminded her of how she’d almost always had a mask up around him too. “As of now, yes.” Happy opened her mouth to protest, but he beat her to it. “But you know how much I’ve said until we were forced to reach this point, in the four months we were together and the years before that you called me your friend. Yet you never said a word about any of this, and today I had to learn how you’d have been fine with _never_ saying a word of this, and I just want to know _why_.”

“Because I was _wrong_ , Toby, I was scared and wrong and I get that now. But I’m trying everything I can to fix it, if only you'd-”

“For God’s sake, Happy, stop trying to be so morally righteous. You’re the one who made this a million times worse than it already was because now it’s confirmed that you were going to continue keeping this from me.” Toby snapped, cutting her off, and Happy felt her instinctual defense mechanisms kicked in.

“That’s not a fact, Doc, stop being so indignant. And you need to stop pretending like you’re a saint. Yes, this one’s on me, but you’re the furthest thing from perfect. Hell, all things considered, you’re an even bigger fuck up than me.”

“Excuse me?”

“At least I got married, even though I have no feelings for him anymore. Your ex was so done with you she was fucking someone else in your own house.” Happy snapped, and as her words settled heavily in the air between them, she realized she had no idea where they had come from. She knew that that was arguably the lowest blow she could have ever dealt him and she had no intention of hurting him more than she already had, but before she could even start to apologize, Toby stiffened with his expression completely blank.

“ _I’m_ the one pretending to be a saint?”

Happy felt her breath hitch as a single tear rolled down her cheek. “Toby, I didn’t mean-”

“You want to compare fuck ups, fine, let’s compare fuck ups. But we’re starting with you for once, because heaven knows all my flaws have been broadcast to the entire world more times than I can be bothered to count.” His eyes were so cold and empty boring into hers that she almost couldn’t recognize the warm hazel green ones she’d been losing herself in for months now.

“Toby-” She tried to plead again, but was shaken into silence when Toby slammed the heel of his palm against the dashboard.

Angling his body so he was facing her fully, he reached over to switch on the hazard lights first. “Trust me, we’ll be here for a while,” he all but growled at her. “I’ve held back so much with you, Happy, because I’ve always known how private you are, and I soon grew to love you too much to make any of this an issue. But since you clearly have no problem painting me as the bad guy _even now_ , I’m taking the kid gloves off. My only regret is that I didn’t voice any of this sooner.”

Her shaky intake of air was barely perceptible, even Toby wouldn’t have noticed it if he weren’t so tuned in with every tiny detail about her. But, he was so hurt in the moment that it translated to anger. “Speaking of Amy fucking someone else, you’re pretty similar to her in that aspect, you know.”

“What?” Happy breathed, feeling a chill run through her at the first time Toby had ever compared her to his ex. An ex he didn't get over for a long time due to her betrayal of him with one of his closest friends.

“Was that the deal?” Toby continued, forcing himself to ignore the shocked pain across her features. “With that comedy guy, he teaches you standup and you return the favor by fucking him all night for kicks? At least Amy tried to hide what she was doing,” he laughed scornfully. “You couldn’t rub it in my face enough.”

Happy could only shake her head profusely to deny everything Toby had said, until she gathered her thoughts enough to reply him verbally. “Did you not hear what I told you back at Rizzuto’s?” She demanded. “I would never cheat on you, Toby, I have _always_ been faithful-”  
  
“Well that’s one thing you can’t say about your marriage.” Toby cut her off. “We were barely talking while you were off fucking your comedy coach, and if you can’t even be faithful to your _husband_ then why would you be faithful to me?”

“You know that’s different. And the only person I've fucked in the last few years has been you.” Happy spat. “You know _damn well_ it’s not as black and white as you’re trying to make it. That marriage was over long ago, it doesn’t matter in any way but legally.”

“Yet you didn’t divorce.” He commented bitterly, and cut her off as he saw her trying to defend it. “You admitting you’d have never told me, it tells me all I need to know.”

Pausing only to take a breath, Toby was nowhere near finished. “Why should I believe you saying I'm different? When you didn't give me any inkling of that until you had a rare moment of affection.” His voice dropped then as he muttered how it was all likely as act. “I’m such a schmuck thinking that you actually loved me the way I loved you.”

If nothing else Toby said affected her, his last three words did. They were a frozen knife straight into her heart and her chest tightened as she comprehended the ramifications. _I loved you_ . _Loved_. Was it simply a slip of the tongue or did he really mean that in the past tense?

Toby pressed his lips together as in his haze of emotions and anger he misread her stunned, panicked silence as a silent admission. “You know, in a way I’m glad you didn’t get a divorce and all of this was forced into the open. Because at least now I’ll be prepared for when you get bored with me and run off to find your next thrill, just like what you no doubt did to _hubby dearest_.”

His words throbbed in her brain as she struggled to understand what he had just said, her mind still spinning from trying to wrap her head around his use of the past tense of ‘love’. _He never said it in the past tense before._ But what Toby said last did eventually filter into her conscious thought, and Happy felt a familiar rage flash through her as her defense mechanism kicked in again.

 _You put on your armor_ , his voice from two years ago on that hill in Bosnia- practically a lifetime way from where they were now- floated to the front of her mind, though the juxtaposition of that memory only served to rile her up more. Tears were blurring her vision to the point that she could barely make out Toby’s features as he finally shut up and waited for her to respond, but she managed to blink them back as she scoffed harshly. “If _that’s_ what you read off me, then you really don’t deserve a single one of your so-called degrees.”

Toby only blinked before responding, his voice on the dangerous side of calm. “I don’t deserve my degrees?”

“Not if you’re so blatantly wrong on your read of me, no.” Happy felt her resolve wavering and knew she wouldn’t be able to keep up her tough facade anymore before all of it crumbled around her.

“I’m so blatantly wrong on my read of you, am I?” Toby asked with that calm darkness coloring his tone again, and Happy felt her heart plummet even further. “Well then, Happy, why don’t I let you know the rest of my read on you so you can make a final decision?”

“I know it had to suck when your dad abandoned you in St. Luke’s,” He started and Happy took in a sharp intake of breath as he brought up the earliest memory she had shared with him. “But it’s been a quarter of a century to learn how to heal and you have adamantly refused. Instead, you fortify these walls you've built around yourself and don't let anyone in. Maybe you developed RAD as a child, and that’s in no way your fault. But it is something you can recover from, especially since God knows I would’ve done everything in my power to help you if you’d only asked.”

Happy frowned a little in confusion as Toby name dropped what was presumably a psych term, but he continued before she could ask what it meant.

“I love you and I always have. And you owe me nothing, but as we became friends and especially when we became lovers, it isn't unreasonable for me to think, to hope, that you'd lower them for me and trust me. But no, you alone chose to shut me out and now you have to deal with the fact that I can no longer be the same guy you knew before.”

“I’ve made steps away from that and you know it.” She tried to defend herself, but it came out weaker than she’d have liked as him saying that he could no longer be the guy she used to know hit her when she was already down still trying to wrap her head around him saying he _loved_ her.

He huffed and shook his head as those words registered. “What? Holding my hand and almost letting me kiss you were your fortifications lowering? You say yourself how you’re much more physical, so I really doubt any of that was too hard for you.”

That wasn’t the example she expected and as her mind spun for a retort, he kept going. “I fucked up in missing our date but it was a genuine mistake. I was so in love with you and terrified of messing up or upsetting you that I took an anti-anxiety drug to calm myself down. Because the idea of being on a date with you, with my best friend that I’d spent countless nights alone with and shared a ridiculous number of near death experiences with, was more than I thought I could handle. I wanted you so much that I went against my better judgement as a doctor hoping it'd help.”

 _I_ was _so in love with you_ . _Was_. It only served to kill her more and she spun that gutting hurt into anger. “You’re the one who stood me up,” she exclaimed, finally having the moral upper hand even if it was fleeting. “I was in that restaurant until the damn place closed. Do you know how humiliating that was?” Tears were beginning to prick her eyes and if this persisted she’d be drowning in them.

“I’m sorry!” he bellowed. “I apologized, and I will always hate myself for what I did to you. But you froze me out, for the entire summer, Hap. Then, when I think we’re good after saving the world again, not to mention your sight- which you’re welcome for, by the way- you sideline me with no indication of _what I did that time_.”

“I had things to work out.” The words were said through gritted teeth, and Toby couldn’t help sneering.

“Like what? It definitely can’t be anything to do with _hubby_ , why bother working out something you were never going to bring up anyway, right?”

There was so much Happy wanted to sling back in her defense to all he’d said, but regarding his latest line she knew she had no solid defence. So instead she resorted to narrowing her eyes as she dared Toby to continue. And he did.

“And I didn’t give a fuck about any of this, Happy. I'd have walked through fire for you, I still would. Now I have to find a way back there because even this angry and hurt I am still able to admit that you are the love of my life… Yet I don’t know how to look at you right now and that kills me.”

She swallowed and he scoffed. But she cut him off. “Tell me then, since you're not taking any prisoners in this verbal assault on me, just how much you think you know?”

“Ver- verbal assault?” He sputtered as that was so off base. “You hit me for kicks and suddenly I raise my voice and tell you the truth and that's what you see as assault… There is so much wrong there.”

“Bring it,” she challenged with her hackles firmly up and angry as hell now. “Or are you now going to hold back, _Doc_?”

Her using his nickname as a jeer set his teeth on edge and he jumped right in. “I’m Harvard trained and the best psychiatrist there is, don’t attempt to belittle that just because you never got a degree.”

Happy blanched and his lip curled up while he kept talking. “No matter what I seemed to do or say, or _not_ do or say, you wouldn’t let me in. Heaven knows in the beginning it was more curiosity than love but that love for you was there from much earlier than you ever wanted to accept it.”

“Don't turn this back on me, Toby,” she warned.

His eyes widened and shock was the only emotion visible in his features. “Turn this back on you?! Do you not realize we're in this mess because you weren't honest with me?”

“Stop with that, you sound like a broken record.” Happy snapped and tried to regain control of her conflicting emotions bubbling up inside her. “You never asked if I was married so I didn't lie by not telling you.”

His hands flew in front of him as he failed to find the proper words to voice his sentiments until finally he dropped his head to the dashboard. “Why are you even with me then? What are we fighting for if you don't want to be honest and open with me? I'm too old to be somebody's fuck buddy and you give off the loudest mixed signals of anyone I've ever met, let alone been with.”

“Is that what you think of me?” Happy’s breath hitched as she whispered, and Toby could only shrug.

“I don’t know _what_ to think, Hap. Especially not after what I learnt today.”

Happy stared hard at him, doing her best to convert her mess of emotions back into the anger and a defensiveness that she was more comfortable with. “I fucked up today, agreed. But we’ve known each other for years before today, and been dating for months. How is it fair that all of that is erased just because of one-”

“You _realized_ you fucked up today,” Toby stressed. “But this isn’t something that you decided on in the heat of the moment, you’d been planning to keep this from me for god knows how long.”

Hurt and rage made for a dangerous combination and Happy’s eyes flashed as she turned it back onto Toby. “Look who’s talking,” she scoffed. “Would you have ever let on how _atrociously bad_ your gambling had been getting if I hadn’t had to find out myself?”

Toby bristled at that. “So, maybe I didn’t tell you about every last bet I made, or every game I went to. But I never actively hid any of it either. _Unlike you_.”

Happy opened her mouth to retort, but Toby beat her to it and continued. “You know what this is, Happy? Classic action-based cognitive dissonance. Your cognitions have conflicting action tendencies- you demand to know every tiny detail of the truth all the time, but you turn around and do the exact opposite.”

“What’s your point?” she demanded.

“My point, Happy, is that you continually had me spilling my guts and bending over backwards to meet your obscenely- and hypocritically, I might add- high standards when you never let your walls down a fraction of an inch.”

“I did, you know that,” Happy insisted.

He slammed on the dashboard again and she jumped. He could never lay a hand on her the wrong way- just the thought of it alone made him sick- but Toby knew he had to physically calm down and realized his hands curled into fists. Taking a few deep breaths and unfurling his fingers, Toby spoke in an eerily calm voice. “There are consequences for everything we do, Happy. No matter how much we want to avoid them, they always come back to bite us in the ass.”

“You’d know,” she muttered, her defenses still on edge and any softening gone.

“I do.” He admitted quietly and his voice broke her heart as his gaze looked straight through her. “I have made so many mistakes in my life, and some of them even affected you and I’ll never not regret them. But you completely broke me, Happy. After everything we’ve been through, all the times I’ve told you and done my best to show you how much I love you, you still kept something like this from me.”

“I know-”

“Yeah, _now_.” He chided. “Now when you realize that you can’t just fuck me over and not have to face any repercussions.”

Happy shut her eyes, unable to deny what he’d just said but also so desperate for him to know how truly sorry she was.

“How long did you think you could keep this from me, Hap, if I hadn’t proposed?” Toby’s voice dropped again, the hurt leaking back into his tone. It crumpled Happy’s heart, but she took advantage of it to try and de-escalate the fight so they could talk properly again.

She tried to reach for him across the bench seat, but he pulled back and she settled for rubbing the spot on the leather where he had rested him hand. “I don’t know, Doc.” She replied honestly. “I knew deep down that there was no way I could keep this from you for the rest of our lives.” She pressed her lips together as Toby winced at that. “But I thought I could cheat fate and get away with it for a little longer-”

“And you call _me_ the gambler.” Toby muttered bitterly, and Happy squeezed her eyes shut and she dropped her head to rest her forehead on her hands that were gripping the wheel again, as the soft moment collapsed around them.

“What, when it got too close and suffocating would you have just cut ties and gone back to how you were between Cuba and Megan dying? And found another guy to rub in my face whom you were fucking?”

Happy’s already shattered heart plummeted further as he brought up her massive mistake with Chet again.

“Would you have run after you got your thrill?” Toby angled himself so he was staring straight at her again. “Is that all I am to you? Just another fuck toy you’re sleeping with to get me off your case?”

Happy’s snapped her head up at that, her heart completely stopped at what he’d just said. “No.” She breathed, soft but firm. “And you don’t get to say that.”

“I don’t?” He raised an eyebrow skeptically, inviting another fight but she ignored that as she shook her head, her tears started blurring her vision.

“No, you don’t. You can say whatever else you want, but you don’t ever, _ever_ , get to say that you’re anything less than everything to me.”

Toby swallowed thickly as Happy said words he’d been waiting forever to hear from her, and she nodded as she saw that. “Yeah. I know I don’t tell you remotely as much as I should, but I love you, Toby. I’m _in love_ _with you_ , and- and I know you probably don’t believe much of what I’m saying anymore, but goddamit, Doc, you need to believe at least that.”

Closing his eyes, Toby took a deep breath to calm himself down before speaking, and Happy froze as she saw him move his hand to grip the door handle. “You’re saying all the things I’ve ever wanted you to say, but I don’t know if now it’s a little too late. And without any actions to back the words up.”

That's when she could no longer hold back the sobs in her throat. He didn't move for several moments as he watched her but she didn't look over at him. Happy's shoulders curled forward and her hands covered her face as the sobs racked through her small frame silently. Yet, watching her, each shake of her body tested his anger and his resolve. A resolve to stand firm on how he truly felt after saying everything he had been keeping in for so long but never felt he had a right to say out loud, and now it was all said and there was no going back.

“You need to decide what you want, Happy.” He set his jaw to force himself to keep his resolve up. “Because I don’t know how we can do this if you always pick and choose how much you want to open up to me.”

Letting his final words resonate in the air as she didn't say anything, Toby got out of the truck and slammed the door closed with far more force than was necessary. Her head snapped up at that and Happy felt her heart stop as she saw him _literally_ walk away from her, but then he appeared on her side of the truck, opening her door so abruptly that if she had been leaning any more weight against it, she would have fallen out.

“Move.” His tone was sharp, but his hand gripping her shoulder was only firm, not rough. Fresh tears spilled down Happy’s cheeks as she realized how, even with how livid he was with her in the moment, he was careful to never lay a hand on her the wrong way. _Whereas I had no issue punching him whenever I felt like it_.

She tried to reach and hold that hand in hers, but he saw her move and pulled his hand away in time. “Please just move over,” Toby sighed, the exhaustion from the fight settling in. She asked him why even as unbuckled her seatbelt and scooted over the bench seat to where he had been just a few seconds earlier, the cracked leather still warm from him.

“Because I want to go home. _Alone._ ” He emphasized that part heavily. “And you’re in no condition to drive.”

She sighed with a shuddering breath and wiped her eyes even though it was pointless. The tears streamed down her face and she was helpless to stop them. And helpless was the last thing Happy Quinn wanted to accept she was.

The entire drive home, she couldn’t stop crying and the way Toby ignored her, his eyes determinedly on the road, shattered what hope she had left in her heart. This session was supposed to fix them and set them on the path to reconciliation. And now she had no idea how they would do that when he wouldn’t even look at her.

* * *

Happy wouldn’t have had the slightest idea where they were if it weren’t for her having driven up the back alley to the garage nearly every day for almost a decade now, as her tears blurred her vision and her hysterical panic jammed up every finely tuned neuron in her mind. Toby screeched to stop in a way that would normally have been characteristic of her, and she lifted a shaky hand to cover his over the gear shift, pleading with him to please talk this out with her.

If her tears weren’t obstructing her view so badly, she would’ve been able to see the conflicted pain twisting his features, but Toby knew she was hardly lucid and used that to snatch his hand back from under hers. “There’s nothing more to say.”

It came out cold, though it masked the mess of emotions he was enduring as well, just better hidden than hers for once. Switching off the engine and pulling the keys out of the ignition, he dropped them into a cubby hole in the dashboard before moving to open his door.

“Toby, please.” Happy managed, gripping onto his jacket until he jerked it out of her grip. Toby slammed the door hard enough that the entire vehicle shook, stalking over to his car that was thankfully far enough away that Happy could barely pull it together in time to get her own door open and run after him.

Inside, the rest of the team were waiting for Toby and Happy’s return with a spirit of hopeful eagerness. Everyone noticed how things had seemed to be improving between the two, and had been looking forward for this session to be the one that finally put them on the home stretch of getting back to where they had been. Nobody thought much about Happy’s truck squealing into the carpark, it wasn’t anything unexpected from her after all, but their alerts were raised when they heard the door slam.

And then when they heard Toby’s exasperated yell of “What do you _want_ , Happy?” they knew that everything that had come together over the past few days had fallen apart all over again.

More undecipherable yelling followed as Paige and Cabe shared glances before they both got up to go outside and attempt to cool things down before it got any more heated. Sylvester followed, wanting to help but not daring to go out there on his own and grateful for safety in numbers, as did Walter, muttering about reduced efficiency again though everyone knew he too was genuinely concerned for his friends.

The scene outside was worse than they’d ever seen it- Toby had his arms crossed over his chest as he sneered something they couldn’t quite make out, and Happy stumbled back until she was backed up against his car, hugging herself as her whole body was wracked with sobs.

“Toby, what the _hell_?” Paige gasped as she walked up and grabbed him by the arm to yank him away. He put up little resistance, physically at least, though his glare was still trained on Happy who was falling more apart every second.

“Why don’t you ask her?” He responded simply. “Though she’ll probably never tell you. Keeping secrets is her most favorite thing in the world after all.”

As Paige chewed Toby out for being childish, the others watched as Happy crumpled just that bit more at what he said, even with Walter and Cabe having gone up to her by then to comfort her the best they could, Paige all but manhandled Toby to get him to turn away and give her a proper answer. “I thought you were getting over that, what the hell is going on?”

“I was getting over _learning_ about her beloved husband,” Toby laughed humorlessly. “I don’t know if I can ever get over what she told me today. Never did I think she'd be that cold hearted to keep this all to herself ‘had taken care of it’ before I proposed.”

“What?” Paige breathed, her grip on Toby weakening as she processed the new information. Behind them they heard Happy plead Toby’s name again, but he ignored her.

Extricating his arm from Paige's grip, he toned down considerably as he asked her if she could at least understand why he was so enraged. But he didn’t wait for an answer before turning on his heel, grateful that Walter and Cabe had coaxed Happy enough distance away from his car that he could drive off safely.

Seeing his car peel off down the alley had Happy break even more, and Cabe barely managed to open the tailgate of the Tahoe to sit her down.”What happened, kid?” He asked gently as Walter hovered nearby, the head genius knowing for once that it would be best he shut up and let those with a higher EQ handle the situation before he made things worse.

Happy scooted back so she could hug her knees to herself as her fingers played with the edges of the regulation shock blanket Cabe kept in the car. “I love him,” she mumbled so softly that Cabe had to ask her to repeat it louder.

“I love him, Cabe.” A massive sob ripped through her, and Paige and Sylvester came over as well to try and help her. “I need him to know that, he needs to know…”

Sylvester cautiously sat down next to her, looking terrified but determined to help. “He _does_ know that, Happy.”  
  
She sniffled as she said no. “He’s so mad today, he hates me for-”

“Kid,” Cabe cut her off. “If there’s one thing Toby is wholly and completely incapable of, it’s hating you. You know that.”

More tears were streaming as she shook her head profusely. Seeing how she was trying to curl up even further into herself, Sylvester gingerly reached out to rub her back, then almost got a heart attack himself as she practically launched herself at him and buried her face in his vest.

“Would you like me to find him so you two can talk?” Walter finally spoke up, after running the line through his head enough times to make sure he wasn’t going to make the situation worse.

Happy’s voice was muffled against the wool blend of Sylvester’s vest, as she repeated to Walter what Toby had told her about there being nothing more to talk about.

“Maybe he’s cooled down some by now?” The adults froze as a small voice piped up from beside them, and turned to see Ralph- whom they had completely forgotten had been upstairs playing with Bueller and the rats- patter up to stand beside his mom.

Offering him a weak smile of thanks, Happy exhaled shakily as she whispered how he’d likely never cool down after what had just happened. “Not enough to let me explain more.”

“Kid-”

“I didn’t do this to hurt him, I-” Her breath caught and she leaned against Sylvester’s side as he rubbed her back again. “It was so wrong, I know that, but I didn’t… I’m not what he thinks of me.” She pleaded as she tilted her head back, eyes squeezed shut against the glare of the sun.

Even Paige was floored at the raw emotion pouring out of Happy in a way she never thought she’d see, and she gently urged Ralph to go back inside, not knowing how messy the situation might become and wanting him out of the crossfires.

“I’ll take him in,” Cabe volunteered, shooting glances at the remaining team to watch over Happy as he said he’d try and reach Toby. Walter nodded at Cabe, and squished himself into the back of the Tahoe on Happy’s other side, awkwardly patting her shoulder in a way that would’ve been hilarious if the situation weren’t what it was.

Sylvester seemed grateful that Walter helped take the load off him, literally and figuratively. Not that he didn’t want to help Happy- he did, with all his heart- but having her grip him so tightly made his claustrophobia kick in. Using that little freedom Walter provided, he glanced past Paige and up at Cabe who was coming back out from the garage. The agent had his phone pressed against his ear, but was shaking his head as he indicated to the rest how Toby wasn’t picking up.

“He might be still driving,” Paige soothed. “He’s already emotional enough, it’s best if he doesn’t respond till he’s stopped.”

Walter agreed, “Look at what happened to me, and Ferraris have a much stronger chassis than Toby’s car.” Everyone turned to glare at him, and he pressed his lips together as he realized this was probably the worst time to attempt to be funny.

“No. No, Walt, no.” Happy slipped into hysterics again as she registered what he implied, but not that he meant it in his sad attempt to lighten the mood, and gripped his arm with both hands. “Walt please, you can’t let that happen. He- he can’t… He has to know how much I love him, Walt-”

“He’s not going to, Happy, he’ll be fine.” Sylvester reached around her to make her loosen her grip on Walter so Paige could pull him out of the car so hard he almost face planted on the asphalt before getting in to take his place.

“Walter was just being an _idiot_.” Paige reassured her of the same, the last word hissed in his direction.

Scooting back further until she was backed up against the last row of seats, Happy nodded though she showed no signs of having actually heard Paige or Sylvester. “Do you want to go inside?” Paige tried to reach out again, but Happy replied she just wanted to go home.

“I’ll take you, and drop by the Doc’s on the way back to talk some sense into him.” Cabe offered and Paige said she’d come with.

Mustering the best smile she could, Happy thanked them but said she wanted to drive, refusing to listen to everyone telling her she was in no condition to do so. As grateful as she was for the support and concern of the team now, she knew that it would only be a matter of time before it became too suffocating and she’d want to be alone. Plus, she knew that Paige would take the opportunity to drop her home as an open invitation to stay for as long as it took for her to feel satisfied that Happy would be okay, and the last thing she needed right now was the liaison’s (well intentioned, but still annoying) hovering. “Then I’m waiting out here till you let me go.”

Cabe was about to retort when his phone rang. Checking the caller ID and seeing it was Toby, he held a hand up to indicate to the others to wait, walking just out of earshot before picking up.

“What the fuck do _you_ want?” Toby snapped on the other end of the line, though Cabe could make out how his voice had been made thicker with tears. As bad as he felt for Toby, in this moment he knew he had to support Happy.

“You have no idea what you’ve done to her, do you?” Cabe growled. “She’s a mess, I’ve never seen her like this before. You went too far today, son.”

Toby sighed heavily, his already broken heart shattering further when he heard how Happy wanted him there despite everything. “I know I crossed the line,” he admitted. “You know how much I love her, Cabe, and I never want to hurt her. But- but learning she would’ve never told me about any of it if her hand hadn’t been forced…”

“I know it’s hard, kid.” Cabe softened his stance toward him a little, knowing that everything was so tangled up and messy that it was impossible to take clear sides. “But when the only thing she’s been saying is how much she loves you and never meant to hurt you, and that she’s certain you hate her and will never forgive her…” He let his words hang, and heard Toby’s breath hitch as he took in all of it.

“I’ll make it up to her very soon, I swear.” Toby’s voice was resolute, and Cabe advised him he better do so tonight before the repercussions of the fight hardened to the point that they might not be able to be completely rectified. Nodding though he knew Cabe wouldn’t be able to see him, Toby asked if he could ask Happy whether she wanted to come over later so they could sort things out.

Agreeing, Cabe walked back over to the rest where Happy was looking up at him, desperate to know what Toby had said. “He asked if you wanted to go over tonight so you two can talk.” Cabe repeated Toby’s question, but nobody was prepared for her reaction.

Happy had been calming down some under Paige and Sylvester’s- and even Walter’s- attempts to comfort her, but hearing that Toby wanted her to come over sparked the panic in her again. Curling back into herself, she said she couldn’t bear to. “What if he’s changed his mind by then? If he doesn’t want to talk when I go over, I- I love him but I can’t… Cabe, please.” She pleaded, and the agent nodded solemnly.

Pressing his phone to his ear again, he could hear Toby’s breathing pick up. “I don’t know how much that you heard, son, but-”

“I couldn’t make out what she was saying, but the way she was saying it… Dammit, Cabe, what did I do?” The last part came out as barely a whisper as he was wracked with guilt upon finally realizing how bad Happy was taking everything he had lashed out on her about.

“What’s done is done,” Cabe said grimly. “But there is still a lot you can do, so do it.”

Toby sniffled over the phone. “If she can’t bring herself to come over, then I’ll go to her. She’s not going to sleep tonight, and neither will I, without her knowing how sorry I am, and how much I’ll always love her.” He promised, and Cabe pressed his lips together in a tight smile as he told him that’s exactly what he needed to do.

* * *

The team didn’t want to see her drive home in such a state but Happy insisted. They’d seen enough of her emotional breakdown and she needed to distance from them to preserve what little of her dignity she could. Not that any of it would matter if Toby were gone. Never in all the years that she knew him did he speak so harshly to her, so truthful but also so cold.

Yet, never in all the years she’s known him were they so tightly bound together. She was afraid this would happen when they crossed that line from friend to something more, and then best friend to lover. It was that fear that took all her efforts to keep from him as the pull was strong for years. But she had boyfriends and he was engaged to Amy, and all the while she had an estranged husband who continued to elude her.

All those reasons served as logical excuses for her to put up a blockade around the feelings for him that were steadily taking root in her heart. Happy remembered how she felt like she had been punched in the stomach when Toby burst into the garage one morning five years ago, ecstatic that Amy said yes the previous night. This was when she had only begrudgingly admitted to Toby being a ‘work friend’ and then those emotions burst to the surface at the announcement of his pending nuptials. Gutted, and a broken feeling that thankfully got tempered with relief that now they’d never have a reason to be anything more than friends.

Happy couldn't help but laugh bitterly as her mind betrayed her even more and that afternoon on the bus during the case after their failed date replayed for her. _Last night saved us a year of nonsense that would've resulted in us not being friends._ She never said it out loud but even then Happy knew they were already more than the best friends she herself told him they were. For someone who consciously avoided emotional entanglements, she was firmly ensconced with Toby. And she loved it for all she took it for granted _before_.

But all of those reasons had gone away one by one- except the most crucial one but she forced it under the rug- and by the time Paige and Cabe joined the team, the best excuse she had left was Walter’s pathetic rule about not allowing romantic relationships within the garage. Not that anybody really listened to Walter, especially not Toby, and she’d soon given in and let him in- the best thing she never thought she'd ever find.

Only then to single-handedly ruin it all by thinking she could cheat fate even longer.

Screaming in the empty elevator on the way up to her apartment, she slammed on the wall behind her. So caught up in her own mind, she was only brought out of it when the doors opened. She realized the state she was in and breathed out when the landing was clear.

Once inside her place, she sat on the couch to take off her boots and walked back to the bathroom with what happened in her truck echoing in her mind. Her face was a mess and she washed her face, splashing cold water over it. Once dry, she decided to go for a run and grabbed a hair tie to pull her hair up into a high ponytail before getting her running clothes.

In no time she was down the stairwell and on the sidewalk with one goal in mind, _forget_. But that was impossible. Even as she pounded the sidewalk under her feet, Toby’s words pounded even harder in her mind. _I loved you. I was so in love with you._

_Loved._

_Was._

Not even six miles later was her brain able to switch to clear so she continued _her form of therapy_ once home. Countless pushups and sit-ups followed by rounds of shadow boxing, she finally wore out to where she wasn't so keyed up.

As she sat on the floor of the living room to stretch, she decided to shower. She was a sweaty mess after how far she had exerted herself but that was the least of her concerns- after all that got said that afternoon she had so much to wash off.

Scrubbing to the point her her skin turned red and and raw from the friction as well as the heat of the water, she turned it up as high as she could take it before collapsing back against the wall. The same wall against which she and Toby would so often…

The memory of what they’d shared only a few days ago had her push back from the wall like it burned her and she resorted to just sitting on the floor in the middle of the shower, hugging her knees that were drawn up against her chest until the water turned cold enough to make her start shivering.

Curled up on the couch later that night, Happy was still a mess. The day kept running on a loop in her head- Rizzuto asking if she would have told Toby about Dylan had she managed to get the divorce before Toby's proposal, the fight that followed that continued from Rizzuto’s office all the way back to the garage, Toby slamming the door of her truck closed before getting into his car and disappearing just as the others came out to see what the commotion was about. But the most lingering memory was of Toby’s face as she admitted how she probably wouldn’t have told him if she could have helped it, the sheer heartbreak and pain as she shattered what precious little trust had started creeping back into their relationship by admitting she just might have kept her first husband a secret from him their whole lives.

She drew her knees up against her chest once more, hugging herself as she tried to think what she could do next, how- _if_ \- she could possibly get Toby back after _this_. Her fingers played with the hem of his shirt that she was wearing- that soft, marled gray Harvard collegiate that had quickly grown to become her favorite- and if she had any more tears left in her she would have cried even more at how he'd probably want them back if they couldn't work through this. She loved wearing his shirts, and not just because of how much he loved seeing her in them, but because they were so much a part of him that even when he wasn’t there with her in person she still felt so comforted just by slipping the material on.

A quick glance around her apartment, seeing how his things were scattered across every surface alongside hers, served as yet another reminder of how intertwined their lives had become over the past few months, and how natural that process had been, how _perfect_. And now Happy knew she was on the verge of losing it all, just because she was too selfish to be honest with the man she was so desperately in love with. A knocking on her front door brought her out of her thoughts, and she sniffled, rubbing at her cheeks in a futile attempt to hide how she had been breaking apart right there on her couch, before standing up to answer it.

Looking through the peephole, though she didn’t need to, she’d recognize his knock anywhere, Happy saw Toby, obviously showered and back in that smart casual gear she’d never even known he had, leaning against the door frame and staring at his dress shoes while waiting for her to open the door. She did, and he just stared at her, rocking on his heels before glancing down at the floor again and then back up at her. Tongue darting out to wet his lips, he said the five words she had been praying she’d never have to hear from him in her life.

“Happy, we need to talk.”

* * *

* * *

_I’d rather be physically hurt than emotionally. Because you can put a band-aid on your finger, but you can’t put one on your heart._

_\- Unknown_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter we had planned back when we first started writing this fic and it's a major turning point for Toby and Happy. We're so excited for your reactions =D 
> 
> Reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time.


	17. Chapter 17

_Never let fear and stupid pride make you lose someone who’s precious to you._ _  
_ _\- Haruki Murakami_

* * *

* * *

_“Happy, we need to talk.”_

Even with all the fights and pain they’d been through over the past few weeks, Happy had never felt her heart stop so completely as she did in that moment. She knew what those words meant, _everyone on earth_ knew what those words meant.

They meant the end.

Tears were already blurring her vision as she forced herself to look Toby in the eye. His expression changed from hesitance and uncertainty to one of concern and worry, but she didn’t register it, practically shaking at what she was certain was going to happen in the next few minutes.

“Hap?” Toby’s hands were gripping her shoulders. “What’s wrong?”

She shrugged herself out of his touch, knowing it would only hurt more. “Just say it.”

“Say what?”

“You _know_ what, Toby. Just say it, there’s no need to sugarcoat any of this.”

Toby became increasingly more confused as he tried to reach for her hands again only for her to pull back further. “Sugarcoat _what_? What are you talking about?”

Steeling herself, she looked him in the eye again. “You want to break up with me.” She said the words simply, forcing herself to ignore the knife twisting in her heart. “I… I get it, I do. Hell, after today _I’d_ want to break up with-”

Toby cut her off with a searing kiss, cupping her face in both his hands and not letting go until he felt her relax enough against him.  “Why would you ever say that?” He whispered when he finally pulled back, keeping his forehead against hers as his thumbs rubbed circles across her cheek, breaking up the now-dried tear tracks that were staining them. “Don’t ever say that.”

Still panting from the kiss, Happy searched his eyes for any sign of pretense, but only found honesty and love burning in his eyes. “But… but you just said…”

“Huh?” Toby stepped back, his hands dropping from her cheeks to her intertwine with her hands. “I can see how you would have inferred- Wow I really did not think that through,” he chided himself before shaking his head.

“I didn’t mean it like that, Hap, not in a million years. I just meant…” He trailed off as he looked around and realized how all of that had happened while they were still standing in her open doorway. “Do you mind letting me in so we can do this in private?”

Happy looked around herself and couldn’t help the small smile at the absurdity of where they were having such a heavy conversation, that Toby responded to with a grin of his own. Wordlessly, she closed the door and led him to the couch. He slipped off his jacket and hung it over the back of the couch before he sat at one end and motioned for her to sit next to him. Toby didn’t pull her onto his lap like he had always used to _before_ , but he did nudge her to throw her legs up across his, picking at the piling on her leggings as he tried to come up with the words.

“Well, first off, I can safely reassure you that I most certainly did _not_ mean what you just thought I meant. We didn’t go through these past few months just to end it here.” He grinned at her, but it just made Happy feel even worse. Sensing that, he lifted her hand to his lips before continuing. “What I _did_ mean is, jeez, Hap, we really need to _talk_.”

She nodded, looking down, knowing that her inability to do just that was the reason they were here in the first place.

“Look,” Toby sighed heavily. “As bad as today was- and I am so, _so_ sorry for yelling at you like that, I shouldn’t have- as bad as today was, don’t you see how we finally managed to get out in a few hours things we’d been keeping in for weeks? If not months and years?”

“Yeah,” she managed. “I know that’s what we need to do to get through this, I really do. I just… I don’t know how-”

“I’ll show you.” His eyes were shining with sincerity as they bore straight into hers. “I’m never leaving you, I’m going to be by your side no matter what, and if you’re willing to go along with this, I’ll show you how.”

The way she looked up at him, a smallest light of hopefulness shining through the fear and hesitance in her eyes, was too much for him, and he leaned over to press a kiss to her forehead. “I’m never giving up on us, Happy, ever. But we do need to fix our foundation before we can be good again.”

She nodded resolutely, saying how she was willing to do anything it took for them. “I’ve been running and hiding my whole life, and I don’t want that anymore. I want to stick this out, Doc, with you.”

Toby couldn’t help but press another kiss to her forehead. “Do you mind if we start off with the tough stuff first? It’s always best to get those out of the way.”

She nodded and the hesitation in her body language cut through him, but his resolve stayed strong as he knew the sooner this all got said the better.

“Is there anything else I should know, Hap? _Anything_? Nothing is too messy for us to work through, I promise.” He continued after she gave him her acquiescence.

“Can there even _be_ anything messier than this?” She asked shyly, and he couldn’t help a corner of his mouth turning up ever so slightly as he shook his head.

“There isn’t. I swear, Toby.” She answered earnestly. “I mean, there are the little things that happened when I was growing up, and… and I’ll tell you all those over time, but there’s nothing else that would affect us.”

He smiled warmly at her, though it dropped as he played with her fingers as he asked his next question. “Why did you feel like you couldn’t tell me any of this?”

The heartbreak in his tone killed her, and what made it even worse was that she really didn’t have an answer for him besides simply not wanting to. “I’m sorry.” She dropped her head, unable to look at him. “I just… I don’t know, I-”

She was cut off by his heavy sigh, and forced herself to look up at him. He looked so _resigned_ , and she never knew she could feel any worse, but this was the moment he did. “Just… nothing else, okay? Not anymore. Please.”

Shifting her legs off him, Happy moved to curl into his side and he slipped his arm over the back to the couch to wrap it around her shoulders. “Nothing ever, I promise. I promise, Toby, I really am sorry and I pro-”

“Okay,” he murmured into her hair. “Okay, it’s okay.” He paused for a minute to look at her, just _look_ at her. She’d never looked smaller to him than she did in that moment, her face still red and blotchy from how she had been crying earlier, and he knew he couldn’t keep up the questions without hurting her even worse.

Allowing his lips to curve up into a small smile, he  noticed how she was wearing that gray Harvard collegiate of his again. “Have you worn any of your own shirts at home this year?”

Happy blinked at his sudden change in mood, but decided to make the most of it while it lasted. “Yours feel more comfortable. And safe,” she admitted. “It’s like you’re still here with me even on the nights you aren’t.”

She’d hardly ever said anything so raw and honest to him before, and Toby could feel a warmth growing in his chest, beating out the anger and hurt lingering in there. But it also crushed him, how she still considered him her safe place, though the way he had acted earlier had been the furthest thing from safe.

“Happy,” he turned to face her. “Listen, about everything I said today-”

She shook her head to cut him off. “You told the truth, about all of it, and I needed to hear it. Even though wasn't ready to. I _was_ being selfish and hypocritical during all this, and I wasn’t seeing it. I needed to hear it all laid out.”

“Not like that. I was too hard on you, I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I-”

“You know I wouldn’t have listened any other way,” she offered him with an apologetic smile. “Even these past few weeks, with all that's happened and how bad it's been, I still didn’t get it.”

“Hey, could you please stop blaming yourself? This time it was all on me, I should have handled myself better.”

She gave him a sad smile, cupping his face and running her thumb along his scruff. “Toby, no. You only got so pissed because of me, me and how selfish I was the whole time.”

“Babe, please don't blame yourself like this.” His hand reached for hers on his face and he kissed her palm. “I took out my anger poorly too. This is not just you.” It was plain on his face how torn up today had him and he was struggling.

Happy kept his gaze but was uneasy as her emotions were all over the place. She felt so exposed and her emotions were closer to the surface than they'd ever been. Yet she pressed on and was determined not to close up. “You disappeared often. And would be all dressed up half the time when I didn't know you owned a suit, let alone several…”

Toby sighed and she dropped her gaze as she chewed on her lower lip, a burning question on her lips that she didn't know how to ask.

“What is it?” His tone was so gentle Happy looked up.

“Where do you go?”

“To a shelter, for runaways,” he says with a reluctant smile. “I don't know why I didn't tell you earlier. I just,” he swallowed as she stared intently waiting for more of an explanation. “I just wanted to keep a secret from you. Childish, I know.”

The look in her eyes was a mixture of surprise tinged with her trademark exasperation from before. Leaning back to look more fully at him, she spoke. “You wanted me to worry. To be uneasy not knowing where you disappeared to?”

Hearing the words made him cringe. He knew that his behavior was hurting her but for as hurt as he was by her, it felt justified. Until now. “I'm sorry.” It was going to be a long night of apologies and he was just getting warmed up. “I needed an escape from the garage and this gave me that plus I had the chance to help kids the way I wish someone would have helped me.”

There was surprise in her voice as she breathed ‘what?’ and he shrugged. “I was a street rat, you know that. Besides, now I'm fine so it's not a big deal.”

“How long have you been going there?”

“Since after the gala at the hospital, Rory told me about the place and that they could use help-”

“What kind of help?” Curiosity was an understatement for how Happy felt over this revelation. Curiosity and relief.

“So many questions,” he teased only to stop when her expression didn't change. He mumbled his apologies before telling her more. “Their budget was in shambles and the place was run by worn down social workers and volunteers. They needed someone who knew what they were doing to get them back on track.”

He couldn't get a concrete read on her expression and he told her that yes, he Lord Numbnuts was who saved the day. “With Rory's assistance and a kindly, rich donor of the hospital’s.”

Toby prattled on as it all sunk in for her. “I also figured that if I helped others I could help myself, you know? And it worked, it really put into perspective all the things I’m lucky enough to have, as dysfunctional as they are.” Happy looked up at hearing him say that and he smiled. “It spurred me on even more to fight for us.”

The way he looked at her she saw the pain and hurt in his eyes but she also saw the love shining through. Her eyes widened and she chuckled under her breath over how worried she was. He promised her there wouldn't be anyone else and he kept his word.

Everything bad she envisioned that afternoon was a whirlwind in her mind and her eyes weren't focused. He leaned over to kiss the side of her head. “I'm sorry I worried you, the truth is I was volunteering and nothing else. Except trying to figure out a way for us to get better.”

With that elephant in the room finally addressed, and him assuaging her fears more, Happy leaned back against the couch and he didn't know why to say. A rarity as he'd ramble at the most inappropriate times. Yet this, this was so much more and totally unprecedented waters for him despite all of his training and years of providing therapy.

He got lost in thought until Happy said his name and broke the silence, her voice softer than he'd ever heard it.

“You… you didn't mean it, right?” There was a terrified waver to her voice that broke Toby even though he couldn’t immediately get what she was talking about.

“Didn’t mean what, Hap?” Toby pulled her closer, and she gratefully cuddled into his side and played with the buttons on his shirt as she tried to string together the words.

“When you said earlier that you loved me, and that you were in love with me…” She had to pause and take a deep breath before saying what absolutely gutted her. “The past tense, did you-”

Toby squeezed his eyes shut and tightened his grip around her, burying his face in her hair out of pure shame as he heard what she said. “Never,” he murmured against her temple before pulling back and cupping her face in both his hands. “I could never, _ever_ , mean those words in the past tense when it comes to you. I can’t believe I even said that to begin with, I don’t know what got into me and I’m so sorry. But, sweetheart, I swear to you with everything I have that there will never come a day I mean that in the past tense, no matter what.”

The way Happy sighed in relief and how he felt her relax so much against him absolutely killed him. “Out of everything, that's what made my heart stop.” She admitted, still looking down but now leaning even closer into him. “I didn’t know if I’d be able to breathe again if you meant that, your love is such a major constant in my life now and the thought of losing that made me… it made me want to disappear.”

“That’s not like you.” Toby could only manage a whisper with how much of a monster he felt like, now that he knew how bad a stupid slip of his tongue had hurt the love of his life.

Happy sniffled and finally looked up at him, smiling shyly. “Nothing about us is like me, really. How I feel for you is so strong and it means so much that I finally have something I can’t bear to lose.”

“That’s why I could never even _dream_ of cheating on you, Doc.” She continued before he could find the words to apologize for what he’d done to her. “I know I have far from the best track record when it comes to relationships, but with you… With you I could never do anything like that to you, to us. And especially now that I know what it feels like to come so close to losing you.”

Toby could only hold her after she finished speaking, wrapping himself around her so tight as he let a few tears spill into her hair. “Oh, lovebug,” he pressed a kiss to the top of her head before leaning back to look into her eyes. “I’ll never be able to say enough how sorry I am for everything I said and insinuated about you today. I know you’ve always been faithful to me, I'm so sorry I let you think I didn't.”

Happy’s smile grew the smallest amount at that, and seeing in her eyes how much she truly trusted him with all of her now had him curse himself again for what he did earlier. Apologizing again, he said how there would never be enough words in the universe to convey how much he hated everything that happened earlier that afternoon, but Happy only shushed him with a soft kiss that would have been uncharacteristic of her before.

“Don’t put all the blame on yourself, Doc, you wouldn't have said any of that if I hadn’t hurt you to begin with.”

“No, Hap, I-”

“Can you really deny that I’ve hurt you, Doc?” It was a simple question, and when Toby opened his mouth to protest he realized that he couldn’t. “Exactly,” Happy looked down again and played with his fingers. “I didn’t see back then just how much I’d hurt you. I… I needed today for that.”

Toby swallowed heavily as he swore that none of it was anything they couldn’t fix. “But why…” He started cautiously, wanting to ask her more but not wanting to risk hurting her any further.

“Why did I do those things to hurt you?” Happy preempted, and Toby nodded. “Which one?” She asked with a small, embarrassed laugh.

“Last year,” Toby spoke slowly, watching her reaction carefully to stop if things went too far again. But Happy kept her gaze steady as she looked up at him, and he continued. “Why did you make it seem like you were dating Chet? And having him drop you inside the garage, it was like you two spent the night together. I mean, I get that you were still pissed at me, but you didn’t have to…” He trailed off and Happy bit her lip.

She knew exactly how she was making things look like the whole time she did it, and while back then she’d felt vengefully smug at how gutted Toby had been, now she couldn’t hate herself enough for what she’d done.

“I missed you so much that summer,” she started. “And that freaked me out because I’d never missed anyone that much since I was a kid and my dad abandoned me. I didn’t know what to feel, and then after what happened between us on that air base, I… I knew it would only be a matter of time before I gave into us and, and, as much as I wanted that more than anything, it scared me more than anything too.”

“I knew the only way I’d be able to buy myself more time to get used to all of this was to push you away and pretend to date another guy as I knew you’d respect my decision-” She winced as she heard Toby sigh, and interlaced their fingers as she rested her head on his shoulder.  “I know now that I was using your love for me, and it was wrong and I don’t know how to tell you how sorry I am, Doc.”

Even with the massive fight they'd had just hours ago about her honesty, or rather lack thereof, Happy’s instincts were still telling her to leave it there despite her better judgement. But at the way Toby rubbed circles into her palm and swallowed heavily, she knew she had to admit the rest it as well.

“And… and I also wanted to purposely hurt you because I was still angry about that missed date. Which I realize was hypocritical of me, but-”

Toby cut her off as he sighed again, tilting his head back against the back of the couch. “I know,” he whispered.

“What?” Happy breathed, shifting so she could rest a hand on his shoulder as she looked at him though his eyes were still trained on the ceiling.

“Not about how you were trying to distance yourself because you were scared, but that you were doing all that to hurt me. I… I figured as much soon enough, that it was probably your way of punishing me further for missing that date. Though I guess I do deserve it, I know how much I hurt you when I stood you up.”

Happy shut her eyes briefly and reached up to press a kiss to his jaw. “It did suck,” she admitted. “But I know you didn’t mean to, even back then I knew you didn't oversleep on purpose, but… What I feel for you is so strong and it terrified me, and back then I took whatever I could use as an excuse to push you away. Now I'm terrified of losing you and I almost did.”

“You didn't, you won’t,” Toby squeezed their hands though he didn’t look at her still. “And as long as you want me, you never will.”

“I will always want you, Doc, and I’m so sorry for everything I did. It wasn’t thought out any further than lashing out and wanting space. And to hurt you.” Her voice dropped at the last part, and Toby exhaled heavily.

“I figured,” he repeated. “But I loved you so much and I couldn’t bear to think that of you that I just never wanted to believe it was real.” He looked down then, and started tracing patterns over her thigh. “I’ve never wanted to be more wrong about my reading of a person.”

Nothing Toby had done or said up to that point in time had ever had Happy feeling worse than hearing him say those words. And the way he had said them, broken and as if he were resigned to the fact that she would never love him the way he did her, absolutely crushed everything in her. And, somehow, it brought her back to the first time she’d felt such a strong bout of guilt hit her about their relationship.

 _Even as she leaned up into the kiss, still giddy about finally being able to do this so freely though it has been a few weeks already, Happy couldn’t stop Toby’s words ringing in the back of her mind._ I’ve never been happier in my life… God as my witness, I’m not going to do anything to ruin this. _They were so genuine, said out of pure exuberance and excitement, so blissfully ignorant to the massive secret she was keeping from him._

_It was only when he set her down as they pulled apart that Happy realized Toby lifted her into his arms sometime during the kiss. “And I fully intend on making you feel like that after every kiss for as long as you let me.” He grinned as he tapped the tip of her nose, misreading her for one of the first times ever as he took her dazed expression to be due to her being completely taken by the kiss, rather than the guilt and light panic that it actually was._

_He was looking at her with so much adoration and trust shining in his eyes that she almost went against every instinct she’d ever had to break right then and there and tell him everything. She even started, with a soft “Doc, I…” but when he interlaced their hands and swung them playfully as he waited for her to continue, she managed to pull herself together enough. Instead, she forced all that guilt back into the darkest recesses of her mind, to where she also hid away all her emotions about those first few months after they’d taken the summer off and how gutted he was the whole time she had been pushing him away._

_Putting her mask on again and changing her expression to a smirk, she commented in her usual way how he had a lot more to prove._

_“That’s exactly what I plan on doing.” Toby smirked back in response, pulling open the robe of his that she wore just a little more to press a string of the softest possible kisses along her collarbone, interspersed with gentle nuzzles into her neck. And as she gasped softly, her breathing picking up at that action of pure love, she cemented her selfish decision to never tell him- to never risk losing any of this for something that probably wouldn’t matter anyway._

Back in the present, Toby pressed his lips together when she didn’t respond in any way and instead seemed to be lost in her mind again. Gently pushing her hand off his shoulder as he read her silence as her not being completely apologetic for what she’d done and instead trying to come up with more excuses for her actions, he knew it would be best to leave before things became spun into something even worse than that afternoon.

Feeling Toby pull away from her snapped Happy back into the present. She wrapped her arms around his neck when he tried to sit up straighter, pressing her face against his chest. “Don’t go,” she implored, feeling tears prick the back of her eyes again. “I’m sorry, Toby, and I know that doesn’t solve anything, but please don’t go.”

At how she clung to him, with a desperation he’d never seen from her before, and how her voice cracked as she all but begged him to stay, Toby knew he couldn’t leave her that night. So he wrapped his own arms around her waist, knowing that she needed that physical reassurance as she was afraid he still doubted her and might leave after everything that happened earlier.

Shifting was tricky with how tight she was holding him but he managed to move them both in a way that he could look into her eyes that were glistening with tears again. “I know you’re sorry, Hap.” He pushed back some of her hair and wiped away the newest tear tracks marring her cheeks. “But words need to be backed up, you know?”

Happy exhaled a shaky breath as she nodded. “I’ll keep showing you,” she promised. “For as long as you let me.”

Pressing a kiss to her forehead, Toby smiled small as she said back to him what he’d always said to her. Especially at the start of their relationship, he would include some variant of that line almost every time he hinted at them working out in the long term as she’d always been the one to dictate how much and how far they would go. And now to hear her relinquishing some of that to him, giving them both equal control over the relationship, he knew that she was truly making an effort to change and that they’d make it.

“Forever, then. Because I’m never going anywhere, sugar plum.” He rested his forehead against hers, and she sniffled a little as she smiled at him.

Pulling back a little a few seconds later, Happy looked down briefly before meeting Toby’s gaze again. “Doc? If… if you notice me pulling away and going back to how I used to treat you, I… Could you tell me?” She asked, and Toby’s heart melted at how vulnerable but determined she was. “I promise I’ll listen and not take it out on you. I don't want to hurt you again, but I might not be able to always see if-”

“Of course, Hap.” Toby reassured her, his heart swelling at how desperate she was to become better for him and them. “You know how I’ll do anything to help you, with anything.”

Happy sniffled again and leaned back against him. “I never slept with him,” she said so softly that Toby had to ask her to say it again.

“With Chet.” She fought against herself to keep looking Toby in the eye, even as he inhaled sharply. “I never wanted to sleep with him to begin with. And that’s not even mentioning how he was already in a relationship himself and never made any inappropriate moves on me. Do you think I’d have gotten on his bike if he had?”

“Nothing remotely happened, everything you and the team saw was because I wanted you to see it.” She continued, feeling unable to stress enough how Toby’s worst fears back then weren’t in any way real. “Yes, I twisted the situation to make it seem that way, but even back then I already knew I didn’t want to be with anyone else but you.”

Toby’s eyes widened a little at her admitting how strong her feelings for him had been even back during what had arguably been the roughest patch in their friendship. He reassured her that he knew that now, apologizing again for everything that had gotten said earlier and all his insinuations. “But why didn’t you feel like you could tell me the truth, Hap? Or even just tell me to back off and leave you alone, because you know I would have…”

“I did, Toby. I did know that but I was feeling so petty and… and I was afraid.” She looked down again. “Because of all the other things I was hiding, I knew that if I were honest with you about that then, then I’d probably end up telling you about all the other things too, and…”

“And you didn’t want to.” Toby finished her sentence for her simply, trying not to sound too bitter. As much as he wanted to let all of it go and just hold her so close, he knew they weren’t there yet.

Happy felt her breath hitch when she realized they had circled back to the main issue at hand, that had sparked off their entire fight earlier. “Toby, I-” She started, but he cut her off.

“I know. I know how sorry you are, Hap, and while this isn’t enough make everything good again just yet, I promise you we’ll never end up where we did earlier.” He kissed the side of her face. “And I said so many things to you too and I’ll never not hate myself for all of that. I was far from innocent today, and I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”

“I hear you, Doc.” Happy smiled softly as she leaned over to kiss him. “Know how sorry I am too, and I’ll keep good on my promises.”

Toby smiled at that and pulled her in closer to nuzzle into the side of her neck, pressing a kiss to the spot behind her ear he knew she liked before pulling back to look at her. “I hear you too, love. I swear I’ll never be so hard on you again, please accept my apology?”

Tears were in Happy’s eyes again, though for the first time that day they contained hope instead of pure despair. “Only if you accept mine, Doc.” She smiled as he nodded, leaning in to kiss him and using that kiss to convey all the last little things she still couldn’t trust her words to.

They kept their foreheads pressed together even as they pulled apart, and as Happy tried to come to terms with everything that had happened between them the previous fall that they’d just discussed, there was one glaring thing that still stood out for her.

“Doc?” She asked as she sat back a little. Toby looked at her with a soft questioning gaze, and she held his hands in hers before speaking again. “Would you really have been able to keep up the cold turkey thing back then if I hadn’t…”

She trailed off as she felt Toby tense under her. “How do you know about that?” he breathed. “Did Sly tell you? I knew he-”

“He didn’t have to.” She shook her head and smiled a little as Toby cocked his head to the side a little in confusion. “It’s like you said, the new intercom system works great.”

“You heard,” he groaned. “How much?”

“Enough.” Happy ran her fingertips along his scruff. “Would you really have…?” She pressed, and Toby sighed heavily.

“You made it clear that you didn’t want anything to do with me. I tried being just friends with you, you remember Kazakhstan, but it only ended up making you hate me further, and that’s when I knew I had to cut things off. For my own sanity.”

Closing her eyes, Happy burrowed her face into his chest again. “I never hated you, Toby.” It came out muffled against his shirt but he could still hear her. “I could never-” She stopped herself and sat back with a harsh laugh directed at herself. “Wow, I have so much I need to make up for.”

“You have.” Toby hooked a finger under her chin so he could kiss her. “We'll be together for a long time.”

He gave her another peck on the lips then continued. “It was also somewhat of a role reversal, I thought if I switched it up and became the one playing hard to get that it would make you choose me over him. Though that failed spectacularly.” His mouth upturned into the smallest grin before it disappeared again. “But it was also me trying to cushion the blow of when you did finally reject me outright. I really thought it’d only be a matter of time till that happened, there was no indication that you would ever want me. Not that I'd ever stop wanting you…”

“And your dad told me, when we were trying to save you and Walt on that sub, that I needed to let you do what you were gonna do. He was right, but that didn’t mean it killed me any less.”

“That’s what you get for trying to shrink me, Doc. And I knew you and my dad talked about more than just that dollhouse.” Happy smiled a little as she weakly tried to tease him, but Toby just shrugged.

“I had nothing to lose at that time, you made it clear you wanted nothing to do with me outside of cases.”

It killed her to hear how resigned Toby had been back then that she’d never reciprocate his feelings, when in reality the only reason she had been hurting him so much was because she was reciprocating those feelings _too much_ than she could handle at the time. Shifting even closer, she cupped his face in both her hands as she told him that was never the case, and that she’d do everything in her power from here on out to make up for all she’s done to him.

“I’m done being afraid of my feelings, Doc. Chet helped me somewhat, but none of that could even come close to how dearly I missed you those few months. And now I’m going to hold onto you and what we have and never let go.”

Toby nodded as he buried his face in her hair again. “You have no idea how bad I missed you, Hap. It's the only reason I tried to make it a clean break… because I knew I’d never survive.”

“After the mess with Elia’s smart building, you wanted to shake on being friends…” Happy left it hanging, not daring to press too much about the past and set Toby off again, no matter how badly she wanted to know. But Toby just bit the inside of his cheek for a second before replying in a carefully level tone.

“You can’t unring a bell, Hap. I couldn’t completely cut you out no matter how much I knew I had to. And Sly was bugging me the whole time on boxing you out after Kazakhstan that I had to assuage him too, get him off my back.”

Only now were all the pieces adding up for Happy just how bad she had come to completely breaking him back then. “I wish you had pulled me into a kiss that day,” she admitted. “Done what I was too scared to initiate myself.”

But Toby shook his head firmly. “I would never take advantage of you like that. I know that I’ve always made my feelings for you known, but- Hap, I could never make you do something you didn’t want to. And especially not then when I wanted you more than anything but resigned to not pursue you since you seemed so turned off at even being my friend.”

Fresh tears came to Happy’s eyes and she squeezed them shut. The way it hit her that Toby never pushed her beyond where she was comfortable was overwhelming. Sure, he had always been there for her, flirting whenever he got the chance, but for all the major progressions of their relationship- from their first kiss to actually starting them for real- he had always put the ball in her court, waiting until she was ready for him, for them.

“You terrified me that night.” She wrapped her arms around his neck again to hug him close, to remind herself that the nightmares that had plagued her for weeks after what happened in Elia’s stupid death trap, all those terrifying _what if_ situations her mind conjured up that all ended in her losing him forever, were just that- nightmares. And all in her head. “I was so terrified when you went down in that server room, I… I'd have killed Walter if you didn't make it, Doc.”

Hugging her back because he knew she needed that physical reassurance that he was still here with her, Toby rubbed her back lovingly as he told her he did make it. “All thanks to you, Hap. You saved me, that’s why we can be here today in each other’s arms.” He felt her exhale shakily and knew she’d start crying again soon if he couldn’t lighten the mood. Forcing a laugh into his voice despite how heavy everything they’d just been discussing was, he smiled how if she’d killed Walter then she would’ve lost them both. “And that would’ve made that it even worse, no? He's your second bestest friend.”

Sitting back to look him in the eye, Happy shook her head and Toby wiped away the newest tears that escaped as she remembered those terrifying moments watching Toby's lifeless body on the wrong side of her behind the bulletproof glass wall. “If I lose you, it doesn’t matter who else is left because I’d be dead inside.”

The utter truth in her voice floored him. She wasn't one for putting her heart out there but she was in tenfold tonight. “I know, babe.” Toby sighed as he brought her back tight against him, memories of those terrifying minutes in Antarctica when he didn’t know if he’d ever find her, as well as every other case they’d ever worked on where she had been in danger, rushing back to him. “I know all too well, my love.”

“And then a week later to walk into the garage and see you with that terrible black eye and Sly pressing liquid nitrogen to your face.” Happy’s voice was muffled again by his shirt but Toby still heard the waver in her voice. “You can’t ever pull shit like that on me ever again, Curtis.”

She jabbed her finger into his chest and glared up at him. He knew she was scared but the way she looked was too adorable to be scary in the moment. So he shifted the moment to lighter. “Oh, you mean my first boxing match?” Toby couldn’t help smirking a little at that. “And here I thought I’d proven myself to be tough enough that you’d be impressed.”

“What?” Happy sat back at that in disbelief now. “You wanted to prove yourself? Why?”

Toby kept his gaze soft but level as he asked her in return why she felt compelled to do her comedy stint. “I already told you how I was feeling back then, thinking you were banging Chet. My emotions were in such overdrive that even I didn’t know how to deal with them, and my only outlet was the boxing. Which turned out to be more therapeutic than Harvard gives it credit for.”

Happy furrowed her eyebrows and she blinked at him, ignoring him casually slipping in the Harvard card for one of the first times in a while. “Boxing helped?”

Toby nodded. “I understand the zen from beating the crap out of something now.” He paused then, studying her carefully before adding how, for future reference, a punching bag is the best for that. “It’s inanimate and has no feelings or pain receptors, so that’s the ideal target.”

Seeing Happy wince, Toby knew it had been a low blow. But he still stung, and for as much as he wanted to move past everything that had happened that day and in the months leading up to it, he still wasn’t ready to fully forgive her. And, he knew, it was best to get everything out on a day they were already hurting anyway, than to bottle things up and have them explode sometime further down the line.

“I know,” it came out as a whisper as Happy gently laid a hand on his chest where she’d so often punch him without a second thought. “I get it, Doc, beating on my boyfriend is bad.”

“Yeah.” His voice was low as he didn’t want to hurt her too much, but Toby knew he had to make it clear to her how much it hurt- and not the physical part, because bruises fade- that she’d had no qualms about hitting him when she felt like it.

Happy fisted her hand that lay on his chest, crushing his pressed shirt as she rested her forehead against his collarbone. “I am so sorry I hurt you, Doc,” she said softly. “I was afraid to change before, but I _have_. I can't lose you, I won't. All I want is to be all in this with you, forever.”

“Me too , sweet pea.” Toby leaned down to nuzzle her softly. “I know you've changed, and we’ll get through this. I promise.”

It was a pained silence for a while after that as they both held each other, their embrace conveying all the love and apology that no amount of words ever could. Happy was the one who pulled back first, though she didn’t go very far as she rested a hand on Toby’s cheek, her thumb rubbing over his scruff that was back to normal now.

“Why’d you shave this off after?” she asked quietly. “That first night I came over to talk, I could barely recognize you at first.”

 _I could barely recognize you that night either, and it wasn’t for anything physical._ Toby was shocked by the malice in his thoughts, but he bit it back from coming out verbally as he gave Happy a tight smile. “I needed that physical change.” He shrugged instead. _I needed to have_ something _I was in control of that godforsaken week._

He thought he’d only said that last part in his mind, but at how Happy breathed a shocked “What?” he knew it was said aloud. “I’d just had my entire world turned on its head. I mean, if your bombshell wasn’t enough, learning how more than half the team had known too but nobody ever bothered to say anything to me?” He saw Happy start to curl in on herself again at the mention of her secret marriage reveal and how it tore them apart, and brushed her hair behind her ear to press a gentle kiss to her temple.

“I was desperate to have some change in my life that I actually had some control over, and I figured shaving was the best way. It’s nothing permanent and is easily reversible, but at the same time enough of my signature that it actually held some significance.”

“Toby…” Happy closed her eyes briefly in shame before reaching up to kiss his cheek. She felt sick to her stomach that she’d thrown him into such turmoil, and when she verbalized that he simply pressed his lips together and nodded.

“I haven’t had worse, which says a lot for me, but I still survived.” His gaze locked somewhere on the far wall above and behind Happy’s shoulder. “And I didn’t fall off the wagon,” he looked back to her. “Which I’m very proud of, thank you very much.”

“You should be, Doc, it’s huge.” Happy smiled at him, the biggest one he’d seen the entire day. She squeezed his hands lovingly. “I know I never said it or gave you any credit, but the way you stopped cold turkey save for those few dares with Ralph, it was impressive.”

“Good thing that was the cold turkey I stuck through, huh? And not the first time I tried?” Toby let a small smile play on his lips, and Happy nodded before settling back against him with a contented sigh.

“You have no idea how much it means to me that you did that for me, nobody’s ever done half as much for me.” Now she was the one drawing circles on his palm, and he rested his chin on the top of her head as he waited for her to find the words to continue. “I love you so much for all of this.”

At how trusting she was being, Toby knew he had to admit how close he’d come to breaking his promise to her over the past few months- partially because he was hurting so bad from everything that had happened and partially because there were times when the petty revenge side of him was so strong that he wanted her to hurt like she was making him hurt.

“Gambling has always been my stress release, you know that.” He started slowly, and when Happy pulled back a little to look up at him he saw the fear creeping back into her eyes at what she was no doubt expecting him to confess. “And there were times during all those nights we weren’t spending together that I was so tempted to crawl back into one of my old holes in the wall. To take the wrong turn at the junction after leaving your place, or to play you and Paige off each other so I could have the night alone to-”

He stopped himself when he saw Happy’s lower lip quivering as she bit down on it. “But I didn’t. I never did.”

Happy let out a breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding. “You didn't?”

“No.” Toby replied simply as he shook his head. “You, and my promises to you, they’re the most important things in my life. No matter what was happening to me, the first thought of you and how much my relapsing would hurt you, it’s what stopped me every time. I don’t want to hurt you, Happy. I’d rather die than break my promise to you.”

A few more tears escaped as Happy reached up to hug him again, whispering a relieved _thank you_ before she sat back with a frown. “I… I couldn’t have blamed you if you had wanted to hurt me back.”

“You know that’s not my M.O.” Toby smiled wryly at her. “Hurting people for kicks… that’s yours, sweetheart.”

Happy winced again, squeezing her eyes closed as she turned away in guilt and shame. Toby felt horrible, knowing he hit her further when she was already so down, but there was still a bitterness lingering in him no matter how hard he tried to get rid of it, and he knew he needed to let it all out so they could really work toward healing.

And Happy recognized that too, how he wasn’t making all those comments to hurt her specifically but rather that he needed to get it all out before he snapped again. It was the least she could do, she kept telling herself, to let him let everything out given how this all started with her secret and lack of trust in him.

“Rory is helping too,” Toby spoke up again, hoping that shifting the topic to a somewhat third party would help. “He was a big part of helping me stay sane, especially at the start. Did the best he could to help support me and distract me from all the shit that was going on.”

“It’s a good thing you ran into him at the gala.” Happy offered him a watery smile, feeling a little slighted at how much he was relying on someone outside the team that she didn’t know other than the two times she saw him, but also so grateful to Rory for keeping Toby grounded and out of trouble.

Toby agreed, “It’s good, really, having someone from my past outside of Scorpion. He’s unbiased which helps tremendously. Especially since he’s never shied away from calling me out as a douche when I deserve it.” He grinned at the last part and Happy couldn’t help a small giggle escaping herself at that.

“Sounds like a great guy, then.” She joked, and Toby poked her side good naturedly. But he saw how she felt a little sidelined at the mention of Rory helping him through this mess, and tightened his grip around her.

“But you not ditching me after it got messier, that… that was the most important thing. Thank you for not running or giving up on us when things were at their worst, Hap.”

Happy moved closer as she promised him she was done running. “I love you so much, Doc.”

Emotion bubbled in Toby’s heart at hearing her say those words first, it was rare that it happened and he got overwhelmed every time it did. “I know,” he smirked proudly, stealing a quick kiss before softening. “I love you too, Hap. And you have no idea how much I love hearing you say it first.”

Her eyes widened at that, an unverbalized _really?_ and he nodded. “I’ll start doing it more often then,” she smiled, slipping her arms around his waist. “I know I’ve still got ways to go, but I’m learning to be more open with you.”

“And I have all the faith in the world that you will.” Toby kissed her again, and she bit back a smile as she pulled a little away to cup his face again.

“I’m glad you have your scruff back, it’s very you.” Her smile was turning into something a little more suggestive. “And very attractive.”

He smirked as he nuzzled into her hand. “I’m pretty sure I know exactly why you love it so much, babe.”

And just like that their light and playful air was back, and Happy was so grateful as she held onto the moment with all she had. “It makes you look like a grown up. And assists in other matters _between us.”_

Toby chuckled, for the first time that day, and they both felt like they’d be okay. Pulling her in closer, he leaned down to nibble a little at her earlobe, knowing how much she loved it and also how sensitive she got when his scruff rubbed at the soft skin behind her ear. He smiled as he heard a soft moan reverberate in the minuscule space of air between them, continuing his ministrations for a while longer, alternating the nibbles with gentle kisses pressed to the shell of her ear, and whispering heartfelt _I love you_ s.

Their eyes were so much brighter when he pulled back, though he was a little surprised when Happy opted to climb sideways onto his lap after, rather than straddle him to continue their little session like he had expected her to.

“Did I ever mention how buff you became after your boxing stint, and how hot that was?” She asked playfully as her hands squeezed his bicep.

Toby’s eyes widened at the uncharacteristic change of topic from her but he played along.”I knew you were only in this because I was too hot for you to deny,” he smirked, and Happy rolled her eyes but there was absolutely no malice in them.

“I could help you, you know.” She snaked a finger down between the buttons of his shirt and he inhaled sharply as he sat up straighter.

“Yeah?” He managed with some difficulty. “I mean, I liked it too. I was thinking of asking Cabe to help me get back into it in the future.”

“Cabe, huh?” Happy raised an eyebrow, and Toby looked at her questioningly. “And here I was about to volunteer to train you, but if you prefer to get down and sweaty with _Cabe_ , then be my guest.”

Toby perked up at her essentially asking if he wanted to train with her, though the way she’d said it had him gulping hard. “No, no. Cabe isn’t a must in this at all. Though I didn’t know you were into boxing, babe.”

She nodded and ran her finger up and down the small expanse of his chest available to her between the two buttons she toyed with. “It's been years since I had proper training but we both know I'm who you want in your corner in a fight.”

“You've got that right,” he said as his smirk crept back onto his lips and he leaned over to kiss her. “How about-”

Whatever he was about to say was forgotten as he saw her curl in on herself in his lap. “Hap, what's wrong?”

She shook her head and forced a smile, her lips taut with it not reaching her eyes. The way she shifted and drew her knees up keyed him into her being in pain. That quickly changed as she shot him a look.

It was a look that garnered a head tilt in confusion from him. Her look was one of annoyance but he was certain it wasn't at him. “What?” he repeated.

“Cramps,” she told him matter of factly be it in a softer tone. Usually when she had her period he knew because he had her cycle tracked. But with all the craziness of the past few weeks, and the resulting stress throwing her usual cycle off a little, he lost track of it exactly.

His lips formed an ‘o’ that was adorable and sexy as hell. It also had her cursing because for as badly as she wanted him, what she needed was another hot shower and to go to bed so this day could be over sooner. “I need to get more Advil.” She went to get up and he stopped her by reaching for her wrist.

Toby had other plans and rested his chin on her shoulder, pressing his lips gently against her neck as he spoke. “You want to take a bath? Warmth will help them.”

Seeing her eyes widen ever so slightly, Toby knew what she was most likely thinking about. The last time they shared a bath was after the bomber case and that ended disastrously. But this, this was softer, arising from genuine love and concern instead of her trying to twist the situation. She nodded softly, wanting it more than anything but also scared of a potential repeat of the last time.

“Yes, please,” she smiled at him, the memories of the last time still making her a little nervous, and he kissed her cheek to reassure her before standing up with her and making their way to the bathroom with his hand gently resting on the small of her back.

-

The only sound between them for a while was their breathing and the soft sloshing of the water as Toby gently rubbed her lower abdomen to help ease the cramps, and Happy finally allowed herself to relax for the first time that day. Settling further back against Toby, she sighed in content as he hooked his chin on her shoulder to alternate whispers of sweet nothings with the most loving kisses pressed to the side of her face.

But as calming as the moment was, Happy’s mind was still racing with all that had happened and been said that day, with one thing Toby has slipped out especially nagging her that she wanted to know more about it. “Doc?” She whispered, continuing when she felt his questioning gaze on her. “What’s wrong with me?”

“What?” Toby’s grip around her tightened as he sat up straighter. “Why would you ever think something’s wrong with you, sweetheart?”

“It’s something you said earlier-”

“I said a lot of stupid things earlier, Hap, and I’ll never not be sorry for that.” His voice was full of remorse and Happy looked down as she covered his hand that had now stilled over her stomach with hers, interlacing their fingers.

“I don’t think this was stupid, what you said about me developing something as a child… RAD or something?” she asked, and heard him exhale heavily as he buried his face in her hair.

She pulled back just enough to so he’d have to look at her as she asked if it was a psych term. He nodded, and she smiled small at that. “Then I know for sure it’s not stupid.” But then her smiled dropped as she repeated her question about what was wrong with her, and what that term meant.

“Reactive attachment disorder,” Toby finally said when he knew Happy wasn’t going to let it go. He saw her wince ever so slightly, and pressed his lips together before explaining further. “It’s rare, but occurs in young children who have been socially and emotionally neglected or lacked the opportunity to develop stable attachments in early childhood.”

“Like a kid whose dad abandoned her when she was three and then had to spend the rest of her childhood being bounced around between foster and group homes that never gave a damn?”

Squeezing his eyes shut in pain, Toby pulled her back tightly against him and kissed the top of her head. “Happy…”

“I’m not being bitter, Doc.” She squirmed to loosen his grip so she could turn in his arms just enough to rest a hand on his cheek. “Just be honest with me, please? What does that do to a kid?”

One look at her and Toby knew he couldn’t lie to or hide anything from her no matter how much bringing up her childhood would sting, she deserved to know what he’d always suspected but never dared to bring up with her even after they started dating.

His heart broke as he put Happy’s face to all the cold facts and statistics he’d learnt during his training, unable to imagine everything she’d been through. “What happened to you checks all the boxes, yes.”

Taking a deep breath, he started explaining further, subconsciously slipping into the technical jargon that best allowed him to separate his head and heart. “RAD, a subtype of ICD-10 F94, results in an inability for the child to form normal, loving relationships with others, as well as impaired social development due to the absence of secure attachment formation early in life.”

“The DSM-IV has distinguished two varieties of RAD, inhibited and disinhibited. They’re not mutually exclusive, though, and it’s possible for a child to exhibit symptoms from both types depending on the environment of their upbringing and their individual personalities. I mean you definitely don’t have a lack of reticence with unfamiliar people though strictly speaking the conditions for developing disinhibited RAD are more closely aligned with what you went through. And conversely you fit a lot of the criteria for inhibited-” He stopped himself when he finally registered Happy staring at him blank confusion and bewilderment written across her face.

“I was on a tangent again, wasn’t I?” He asked and she nodded, tears building in her eyes yet again at _how much_ was wrong with her though she didn’t actually understand all he’d said. And she was a genius.

“I always knew I was fucked up, I didn’t realize I was _that_ fucked up.” She exhaled a harsh laugh that completely broke Toby.

Shifting as much as he could within the confines of the tub, he somehow managed to get her to face him as he hugged her as tightly as he could, promising her that she wasn’t fucked up. “You had far from the best life growing up, but I swear on everything I am that I’m going to change that now. You’re not fucked up, none of this is irreversible. And that’s exactly what I plan on doing, because I love you, sweetheart, so immeasurably much.”

She swallowed heavily, nodding weakly though she knew it was far from enough to convince him.

“And it’s not your fault, Hap.” Toby added, desperate reassure her of that. “Nothing you had to go through was ever your fault, you need to know that.”

She looked away then, unable face him at that moment. “It doesn’t matter whose fault it was, does it? As if the way my mind works didn’t ruin enough of my chances, I’m officially screwed in the head-”

“Don’t say that.” Toby cut her off, his tone sharpening slightly as he needed to get that point across. “Don’t ever say that, Happy.”

But she scoffed in a way that he knew meant she was blaming herself, and he mentally kicked himself for having babbled more than she needed to hear in such a tactless way.

“You went through so much as a kid,” He spoke much more gently now, one hand holding hers while the other played with the tips of her hair that had escaped from the bun she had hastily pulled up earlier, and were now wet from having fallen into the water. “But none of that is your fault and none of that is something you can’t recover from.”

“It’s not even clear if the effects of childhood RAD continue into adulthood, and even if it does you literally can’t get any better support than your loving boyfriend who just happens to be genius Harvard-trained psychiatrist, right?” He tried to lighten the mood, but when she didn’t show the slightest reaction to his Harvard boast that normally would have had her rolling her eyes or swatting at him playfully to shut up, he knew she was taking it really hard.

 _Why did I even have to bring this up?_ he cursed himself. _I could have helped her quietly without having to put a label on it_. “Happy, sweetheart,” he tried again. “Hap, I’m so sorry for bringing it up-”

She shook her head to tell him to stop, slumping back against him and bowing her head as she wordlessly tried to wrap her head around all she’d just learnt. Toby took the smallest solace in how she allowed him to hold her hands in his and rub his thumbs over her knuckles, until she finally spoke again after a few more moments of silence.

“How long have you known, Doc?”

“A while,” Toby dropped his head to rest his forehead on her shoulder. “The pieces started adding up once you started telling me about your past, I just never knew how to bring it up before.”

“You didn’t know how to bring it up without risking your life?” She offered him the smallest smirk when he snapped his head up, leaning back against him when nodded barely perceptibly. “I’m sorry I was so hard on you that you couldn’t talk with me, Toby.”

“That’s not the point here, Hap-”

“Is it because of that too?” She cut him off. “Why I find opening up and connecting emotionally so hard?”

“Probably,” Toby nodded slowly. “Though the low EQ, genius thing doesn’t help either, so it’s really not-”

“Not my fault? Yeah, you’ve mentioned.” Happy knew it had come out too harsh when she saw Toby flinch. “I didn’t mean to snap at you, Doc. I just…”

Toby only nodded and shushed her gently as he promised to always be there for her. Pulling her back against him and wrapping his arms around her waist so tightly, he kissed the top of her head. She relaxed ever so slightly against him again, and he took what he got as he offered her as much silent support as he could.

As the water cooled, Toby opened his eyes at feeling her lean forward. It was cold with her completely out of his arms and when their eyes met, it was only for her to ask if he were okay with her draining the water. He nodded and as the water circled down the drain, Happy stood.

While she wrapped herself in a towel, he was still in the tub with his knees drawn up when she left. Sighing at her apparent withdrawing from him, he had himself dried off a bit when she walked back in with clothes.

“Are you leaving?” Happy leaned against the counter as he took a step back.

Not expecting that, he shook his head. “What? No, not if you don’t want me to.”

“Do you want to leave?” she asked, deliberately keeping her voice even.

“No.”

“Good,” she told him while looking down. He shifted back to the heels of his feet and she looked at him in the mirror. “Give me a few minutes and then we’ll talk more?”

“Yeah, sure… Absolutely.” He laughed nervously and closed his eyes. After everything that happened earlier in the day, he couldn’t accurately foresee potential outcomes with her.

“Good.” Happy brushed her fingers across his forearm before nudging him out so she could change.

Grabbing a shirt and pair of boxers he kept at her place, Toby got dressed himself while running through the day in his head. As much as they’d talked things out and had settled back into their fragile peace over the past two hours, there was still a bit of tension between them that carried over from that afternoon, and he  was desperate for them to resolve it all no matter how much longer it would take.

Toby was under the covers first on what was now _his side_ of the bed and sat against the headboard with his knees up. Usually he'd read or play with his phone, but after the day had been so emotional, he welcomed the quiet for his thoughts.

He stared straight ahead at a spot on the wall when she got into bed next to him, her legs bare as she only wore yet another one of his shirts he'd left at her place. It was a plain white tee he often wore and damn did it look so much better on her.

“You really don't like wearing any of your own clothes to bed now, so you?” His tone had a flirtatious tone as he attempted to lighten the mood from their bath and she only shook her head.

There was a trace of a smile as she pulled the covers up and settled next to him against the headboard. “Enough about my clothing choice… what does RAD mean if we have kids one day?”

He blinked at the question he’d have never expected from her, and she was still as a statue waiting for him. When he didn't speak she sighed softly. “Come on, Doc. You brought it up.”

“I know, and I shouldn’t have, babe.”

“But you did,” she stated. “You’re a shrink and as annoying as it is when you turn that on me, we both know you wouldn’t have brought it up if it weren’t true.”

“It doesn’t matter, and I shouldn’t have mentioned it in a fight. It’s not something you have control over developing.”

“Will our kids have to deal with this, then? If we have any?”

He blinked again, talking about kids and their future would’ve been the last topic he’d expected to discuss that day no matter how much he loved thinking about it. Shaking his head, he took her hand in both of his. “It's not hereditary, Hap.”

She still looked unconvinced though, and a small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he raised her hand to his lips. “Our kids will be so loved and there will be no doubt how wanted they are.” Tilting his head to the side, he asked where this was coming from.

“We never really talked much after I took the Plan B…” She trailed off, and Toby said how he didn’t want to push her as he knew how much it had shaken her.

A wry smile played on her lips and she agreed how she never liked talking about this stuff before. “But I'm trying here and if we don't discuss it, it'll remain _another_ elephant in the room with us.” Pulling her knees up, Happy told him how she couldn’t stop thinking about what it would have been like had she been pregnant.

“The timing would’ve sucked, of course, we barely have a grip on just the two of us these days. And, and I know it’s all on me, but I just-” She seemed to catch herself before she said too much, and Toby pressed his lips together as he told himself to be grateful for how much she’d opened up that day and to not expect too much that fast.

Happy saw that, saw how his expression had returned to that all too familiar one of resignation that he wouldn’t get everything from her. That twisted her gut, and she decided to tell him what she’d never told anyone else in her life. “When I was a kid,” she started, and Toby’s eyes widened a little at what was arguably one of the first time she opened up to him about her childhood. “I'd watch all the other kids and…”

“You know,” She started again, unsure how to tell him something she’d been keeping inside for over two decades. “When I was, uh, in elementary school, I was jealous of the other kids.” She watched as his face remained impassive but his eyes were soft, ready to hear whatever she was about to divulge about her past. “Because their parents waited outside to take them home, and I had to walk back to the orphanage by myself.”

“I… I want to wait outside for someone one day.”

The raw emotion in her voice nearly consumed her and Toby shifted to take her hands in his, heart breaking for everything she had to go through as a child. “And you'll have that one day, Happy.”

She sniffled and nodded, and when he felt her try to pull back a little, he knew he had to pull her into his arms. Which was exactly what he did. “Hey, come here, listen to me.” As he pushed back a piece of her hair, she looked at him again. “We love each other. We're gonna have a family.”

She had a look of doubt and through it all he saw a sliver of hope. Pressing a kiss to her temple, he held her body tight against his chest. _“_ You're gonna wait outside a school and you're gonna build a crib and you're gonna share tools with whatever baby is lucky enough to have you as their mom.”

“But we’re barely okay ourselves…” She whispered, looking down, and Toby rested his chin on the top of her head as he promised her again how they will be good again.

“It'll happen when the time is right, Happy. Us, and our family.”

She looked back at him when he said those words, cuddling closer into his side. “I never realized how much I liked the idea of being a mom until it was just there,” she told him, voice muffled from talking against his chest. “And I… I know it’s good it’s not happening now when there’s already so much on our plate, but, but I know now how much I’d like it. One day.”

“One day,” Toby repeated, a promise to both her and himself. The mood between them had become a little heavier and sombre again, and Toby laughed a little as he hooked a finger under chin to get her to look at him. “So,” he said taking her hand and kissing her palm, “we just had the kids talk.”

“Yeah,” Happy smiled at him, having the conversation making her feel so much lighter than she’d been before Toby came over. “And I initiated it.” Her smile grew wider, and Toby felt himself match her expression as he leaned into kiss her.

“You sure did, Hap. Talk about progress, huh?”

“The prospect of it is a little terrifying though, no matter how much I’d like it,” She looked up at him and he could see the trepidation in her eyes, and he nodded.

“I know. I barely had a poster childhood growing up either.” The way she looked down he knew he hadn’t made it any better, and nudged her gently so she faced him again. “But one thing I know for sure is that we can do anything as long as we’re together. Which I plan on us being for the rest of our lives.”

Happy’s eyes widened, heartening as she heard the determination in his voice that they’d always be together. After their massive fight earlier that day she wasn’t sure they’d last for much longer, and now to be talking about having a family and spending the rest of their lives together was all she wanted.

Toby could see all the emotions in her she couldn’t express, and told her further how any child of theirs will be so loved and wanted and cared for beyond measure. “We’re a team, Hap, we’re one just the two of us.”

She nodded and as she leaned up to wrap her arms around his neck, she felt him smile against her temple. “Just the two of us…” he trailed off his is usual light teasing way, smirking when she looked at him in confusion. “Until the time is right, and then it’ll be three.”

Happy couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped her upon hearing that, and she nodded into his chest as she said it was a really nice thing to look forward to.

They started to fall into a comfortable silence as she curled more into him. He sighed contentedly and kissed her forehead. “Nothing will ever make me love you any less, Happy. I hope you know that.”

“Yeah, I do know that. You keep telling me so it's not like I can forget.” She looked up and the corners of her mouth were threatening to break into a smirk she kept back.

But he smiled, and told her that he was going to show her as well. “Best I can, babe. There's nowhere else I'd rather be than with you making us work.”

“Ditto,” Happy reached up to kiss his jaw before shifting to lie down and tugging him down with her. Draping herself over his chest, she whispered how much she loved him. “And know I mean it with all my heart, Doc.”

“Of course I do,” he kissed her forehead. “And I love you too, babe. Always.”

With his hands on her back rubbing circles over his shirt she was wearing, he pressed another kiss to her head. She didn't say anything, but nestled closer against his chest and he smiled. The weight he felt lifted was unbelievable, it was still there yet he no longer felt suffocated by it. Physically, her weight against him was a comfort as she draped her arm across his chest and her breathing evened out signaling she'd fallen asleep.

If this is what healing required, that knock down, drag out fight from earlier, he wouldn't walk away from them. She was the love of his life and no matter what pain her secret brought him, he knew more than ever that she brought him more joy and happiness than anything else in his life ever did. He pulled her tighter against him as he realized that at the end of the day, no matter how messy things were, they were still together.

And as long as they were together, they would make this work.

* * *

“Hey, Toby.” Ralph pattered up to his table after returning from school, two days after the explosive session with Rizzuto almost tore Toby and Happy apart all over again. Everyone feared the worst, though they were pleasantly surprised when Happy and Toby had come in the next day- together for the first time in a long time- still tense but far better than they had been the previous day. “How’re you doing?”

Toby studied the kid carefully, and though he couldn’t see any signs of an ulterior motive, he couldn’t help but ask “Did your mom put you up to this?”

Shaking his head, Ralph nodded up to the loft. “We haven’t tried to train Bueller for a while now, want me to bring him down?”

“I…” Mind still spinning with everything that happened in the last couple of days, Toby really wasn’t in the mood to engage in such light hearted play. But he also couldn’t bear to say no to Ralph. “Um, yeah sure, buddy.” He replied with a smile that he hoped wasn’t too obviously forced.

But Ralph managed to see right through him, and told him they could do it another time if he was tired. “I think we’ve run out of the treats he likes anyway.”

Trying not to come across as too relieved, Toby gave him a grateful smile as he ruffled his hair. “How about you ask your mom to get us those treats first, and then we can train Bueller, okay?”

“Okay,” Ralph agreed, stepping forward to hug Toby as he realized he was going through a tough period. Hugging him back tightly, Toby glanced over Ralph’s shoulder to see Paige intently watching their interaction, and had to bite back a sigh when he realized that just because he managed to get the kid off his back didn’t mean he could get rid of the mom that fast.

Sure enough, Paige walked up to his desk a few minutes after Ralph retreated to the loft to play with Bueller on his own more. “Look, I’m sorry for disappointing Ralph, but I-” Toby tried to apologize, preempting Paige to go off on him for turning down her son, but she cut him off by shaking her head as she dragged a chair over to sit beside him.

“Ralph knew you weren’t likely to be in the mood to play, he just wanted to make sure you weren’t too deep in your head, that’s all.”

“Kid’s smarter than we give him credit for,” Toby smiled at her, though it soon morphed into a proud smirk. “Guess I’ve taught him well about reading people.”

Paige dismissed the last bit with her signature ‘mom look,’ but her expression softened as she leaned forward. “How _are_ you doing?”

 _There we go_ . “Paige-” 

“I still don’t know the full story behind two days ago, and I’m not asking you to tell me. But things seem much better than any of us were afraid it would be after what happened, so…” She trailed off, leaving it up to Toby to fill in the rest.

Toby was silent for a while as he bit his inner cheek and let his gaze travel to the back of the garage, where Happy was out of sight though the sounds of her working on her current project were audible. “It's like I told you. She… she said that she wouldn’t have ever told me about _him_ if she’d managed to end it before I found out.” He finally sighed, and Paige felt her heart break for him.

“Oh, Toby…”

“We talked most of it out that night, and I’m not going to let it affect us any more than things already have, but-” He started playing with a screwdriver Happy had forgotten on his desk the previous week when she had come over to talk to him, during one of the few days they were in their post-date bliss before it was torn up by their second session with Rizzuto. “But I was so close to forgiving her… I mean, yeah there were still a few doubts lingering, but I was willing to work through them to get back to where we were. Then to find out our entire life together would've been a lie only for her to be more than okay with that?”

Paige shut her eyes briefly at how heartbroken Toby sounded. She had never seen their resident goofball be this down, even when the bombshell had first dropped. Back then he was angry- livid even-, but now he was just so… lost. “Did- did she say why?” she dared to ask.

“She ‘didn’t want to change the way I looked at her.’” He used air quotes for what Happy said and dropped the screwdriver back onto his table with a dull thud. He finally looked up at Paige, who was taken aback by the sheer desperation and hurt in his eyes. “Why didn’t she know that my love for her is unconditional, that I would never judged her for her past? Why doesn’t she have enough trust in me to know that I don’t tell her I love her merely out of habit, that every time I say it I mean it more than the last?”

Paige opened her mouth to reply, but shut it again when she saw Happy step back into the main area. The two women locked eyes, but Happy looked away almost immediately at the disappointment and disapproval that leaked through Paige’s expression no matter how hard she had tried to hide it. Toby didn’t seem to notice though- arguably one of the first times he had failed to notice Happy’s presence, which really said a lot- and instead misinterpreted Paige’s silence as her polite way of disagreeing with him.

“It’s my fault, isn’t it? I push things too much, and I’m too… too suffocating.” He used the word Happy had used to describe his ‘coddling’ as she had put it, the day she had snapped at him after he went to pick her up from the beach and tried to ignore how it seemed to strangle him him as it came out of this throat.

“What? No, no, Toby.” Paige snapped her attention back to him. “I don’t know why she didn’t want to tell you, but I can tell you that it wasn’t for any fault of yours.”

“You two came in together yesterday, for the first time in a few weeks, so I take it things aren’t completely bad?” She tried another approach when Toby didn’t reply her. “How’s that working out for you guys?”

Toby bit back a scoff as he said how just because their emotional relationship is in a messed up state doesn't mean that their physical one has halted. “I told you that much the night you came over when Ralph was in Portland.”

“I asked you that the night I came over too, you never gave me a solid answer though. How about you do now, hmm? Talking will help. Plus, this time I can give you my full attention without alcohol or a hangover getting in the way." Paige added with a grin.

“You did get pretty wasted that night,” Toby returned as much of a grin as he could muster. “But I thought I’m the team shrink?”

“Most times you are, but I’m taking over today. Even the comforter needs comfort sometimes.” Paige rubbed his arm in support, and Toby sighed as he started opening up to her.

“I’m able to separate the two because in that moment with Happy, nothing else matters.” He caught the slightest crinkling of Paige’s nose. “TMI?”

She shook her head. “I have a kid, remember? I can handle this. Though are you sure she’d be okay with…”

Toby shrugged. “Probably won’t be too enthusiastic, but that's all I'm saying about that part, you're not getting any details, or pointers.” Paige rolled her eyes but a smile played on her lips at how he was able to joke. It didn't last long though as he sighed before continuing. “I mean, practically every other aspect of our relationship these days is public knowledge now, and Rizzuto knows about this as well.” He finally noticed Happy back at her desk, though all her attention was focused on the small circuit board in front of her. “It’s the distancing myself afterwards that kills me.” 

Paige watched him sadly, knowing how much this must be destroying him.

“Even you’ve noticed how we hardly come in together anymore, and it’s not for a lack of… going over at night. She used to leave, the first few weeks, or I’d go before she fell asleep, but now it’s mostly on me. I can’t bring myself to stay some nights, not when I know that if I do, the moment we’d just shared would probably be torn open again by another fight. And that’s not even mentioning the-” He caught himself just in time and cut off before he revealed his kidnapping-induced nightmares to Paige. That was something Happy deserved to know of first, he hadn’t even told Rory exactly how bad the dreams and flashbacks could get.

Paige looked at him questioningly, but knew better than to press any further when he shook his head. Glancing quickly at Happy, she felt her heart break for her as well. This was such a muddled situation, and while Happy was the one who started it, she was also so clearly apologetic and remorseful now that Paige couldn’t bring herself to blame her entirely like she used to the first few days after.

“I know it’s killing you, but don’t you think it’s also killing Happy?” She asked softly, not wanting to set him off. “I’m not saying you should forgive her immediately, but she is hurting just as you are.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Toby shifted his gaze to Happy, but quickly looked back down at the wood grain of his desk as they made eye contact. “I love her, that’s no secret, and I hate myself for being the reason she’s so tense and on edge these days. But… but I’m broken inside, and I don’t know how to fix myself, let alone her or us. What did I do so wrong that she couldn’t trust me to be there for her in this marriage, Paige?” He implored again, and she felt her heart crack just that bit more for the two of them.

Cabe walked in just then, thankfully in his casual stride and not the _hurry up we got an urgent case_ one. He stopped as he took in the scene before him- Paige talking to Toby while Happy tried to be subtle about watching them, and Sylvester being a silent bundle of anxious nerves in the middle of it all. He nodded at Paige, and tilted his head barely perceptibly toward Happy to indicate how he’d go talk to her in the meantime.

“Did you two coordinate your attack or something?” Toby teased weakly as he watched Cabe nudge Happy over to the dining table and out of sight.

“No, but I like I said, Happy’s broken too even though she doesn’t say it.” Paige reminded him as gently as she could, and Toby buried his face in his hands and mumbled how hard this all was for him.

“I know it is, and I know this isn’t fair and you didn’t ask for any of this, but Happy _does_ love you. It’s obvious to everyone who sees the two of you together.”

“But is that enough?” Toby asked simply as he raised his head, and Paige felt her heart stop. Realizing how it came out, Toby shook his head as he told her that wasn’t what he had meant. “I’m never leaving but I wonder if we need more.”

Letting out a breath in relief, Paige told him that love is enough. “But you also need to talk with Happy about what more you need. Yes, she kept her secrets, but she’s opening up now. Decide if you’re able to move past this.”

“What if the more I need was for her to be more open and honest in the past? That’s something that can’t be fixed now.” He whispered, and Paige sat up straight as she took a slightly sharper tone with them.

“Look, Toby. If you don’t think you can forgive her for this, then maybe you need to be kind to everyone- especially her and also yourself- and just break it off right now instead of continuously dragging her through hell without ever reaching a resolution.”

“Like hell I’m doing that.” Toby raised his voice for the first time that day, and the ring echoing through the garage had Sylvester look up from his chalkboard, and even Walter walk over to the edge of the railing to see what it was about. Paige managed to wordlessly placate them enough that they went back to their projects, and the unwanted attention received had Toby calm down some.

Sighing heavily, he leaned back a little as he ran his fingers through his hair. “You saw how I was between Kazakhstan and the day that train you and Ralph were on derailed. I can’t live without her, it’s just that I can’t quite seem to live _with_ her these days either.”

Pressing her lips together, Paige told him how she knows it’s difficult. “But this is a balancing act that can’t go on forever. It’ll only end up in the both of you getting hurt even more, so please pick a side soon.”

“I know-”

“All of us will be here to support you two no matter what, you know that, but right now the onus is on you.” She patted his shoulder again as she stood up, knowing they’d talked enough for one day and that he needed time on his own to figure out what to do next. “Just make sure you choose the option you can live with for the rest of your life.”

-

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Cabe.” Happy sighed as she sat down at the table, her eyes trained past the agent and at the doorway that fed into the main area, where Toby and Paige were still talking.

Dragging out the chair beside her about two feet away- he might be an ex-Marine, but he was still afraid of what might happen to him if he accidentally set Happy off-, he sat down and shrugged. “I don’t know either, really.” He replied honestly as he nodded to the main area himself. “That’s more their jobs, but they’re busy so you’re stuck with me, kid.”

“Have to talk to someone even if the one person you need to talk to isn’t particularly interested, right?” Happy mumbled as she toyed with the zipper of her jacket- the camo one Toby had gotten for her a few days after the case at Fort Knox (“You have _no_ idea how hot you look in camo, babe.”), that she had last worn the night they had come back from Chernobyl.

“How’s it going?” Cabe knew it was the lamest start in history, but he was as much in the deep end here as Happy was, desperate to help but not quite knowing how to, exactly.

As expected, Happy glanced at him with a _that’s the best you got?_ look that was a tad skeptical but at least not sarcastic or mean in any way, and Cabe took what he got. Standing up, he patted her shoulder as he walked past her to the coffee machine, asking her if she wanted any.

“Sur-”

_“Like hell I’m doing that.”_

Toby’s sharp voice cut off her answer, and by the time Cabe looked back at her from where he went to peek outside the doorway to see Paige motion for Sylvester and Walter to let it go, she was all but shaking again. Grabbing the mugs, he quickly made his way back to the table, where Happy’s breathing quickened as she asked him what Toby’s exclamation had been about.

“I have no idea, but Paige seemed quite calm about it so I doubt it’s anything bad.” Happy didn’t look convinced, and Cabe smoothed his tie against his shirt before trying again. “I know I’m not any good at this-" 

“Better than Walt, at least.” Happy offered a weak smile in her best effort to lighten the mood at least somewhat.

Cabe smiled gratefully at that, returning the banter before turning solemn again. “Better than Walter, what a compliment. But as I was saying, kid, I… I lost Amanda before I could help her through heartache the way fathers are supposed to, so let me help you.”

Happy finally looked up at him saying that, unspoken gratitude shining in her eyes. As much as she loved and trusted her own dad- and she really did- Cabe had known the team for longer and had been there in person for almost all the hell of the past few months. Not to mention how, as uncomfortable as it still was, talking to Cabe about certain things would be far less awkward than talking to her dad who prodded for more details. “What do you want to know?” She leaned back a little against her chair, shoulders dropping as she loosened the tension in her body some, and if Toby were there he’d rattle off something about how her physically more open posture mirrored how she was willing to be emotionally more open as well.

“You two came in together yesterday, for the first time in a while. What changed?” Paige walked into the kitchen just then, and couldn’t bite back a small smile at how Cabe unknowingly asked Happy the same question she had just asked Toby.

Opening her mouth to answer, Happy let the words die on her lips as she watched Paige carefully for any signs of how her talk with Toby might have gone. But Paige didn’t say anything new. “I’m not here to be a double agent,” she teased lightly before offering Happy a supportive and comforting smile as she poured herself some coffee. “But I will tell you that if you two can talk things out, and I know it’s so much easier said than done, then everything will turn out fine.”

Watching her walk out of the kitchen with that, Happy turned back to Cabe. “I do try.” It came out almost as a whisper. “And I know he’s trying too, but-”

“But it’s easier said than done?” Cabe repeated Paige’s words, and Happy looked down as she nodded.

“Just because we only came in together yesterday, it doesn’t mean we only see each other at work.” She saw the concern on Cabe’s face get tinged with a hint of amusement, and rushed to explain further. “It’s not what you think, it- well, it is what you think, but we also do try to talk and work things out. Only the latter part doesn’t go over as well.” She mumbled the last part.

“So I can take that to mean the former part _does_ go over pretty well?” Cabe raised an eyebrow, and Happy glared at him briefly before replying in the affirmative.

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, kid-”

“I’m not ashamed of it.” Happy replied curtly as her eyes flashed, and Cabe raised his hands in apology.

“Every couple has their own way of getting through crap. Whatever groove works for you two, make it stick.”

Her defensive anger died down, and Happy gripped her mug in both hands as she stared down at the coffee inside it, not particularly wanting to make eye contact as she found herself admitting more to Cabe than she had thought she would. “He’s still so good to me, you know? In that, and also everything else. Toby, he… it’s more than I deserve after everything I’ve done to him.”

“That’s love, kiddo.” Cabe smiled to himself as he said to Happy the exact thing he’d told Toby after they’d gotten back from Antarctica, a day that seemed eons away given where they were now.

Happy nodded as she continued staring at her mug. “I love him too, and I mean it with all my heart, but sometimes I can’t help thinking…” She straightened and clasped her hands on the table, too ashamed to look up at Cabe as she admitted how, if the roles had been reversed, she probably wouldn’t have hung around for very long.

The disappointment in Cabe’s sigh was barely audible, but it was still there and Happy winced. “Then it’s a good thing the roles _weren’t_ reversed, huh?” He pressed his lips together in a tight smile as he answered. “But hopefully this has taught you that sometimes love is worth sticking around for, despite the mess?”

That was when she finally turned to look at him again, and Cabe found himself almost taken aback at the determination in her eyes. “Yes,” she nodded. “If nothing else, this taught me that Toby, and us, is worth fighting for.”  
  
“I know it was wrong to keep my secret, basically after we started dating, but I do realize I was too harsh on Toby when I had my own demons. I don’t really blame him. And even the things that were on him, it was hypocritical-” His eyebrows went up and she said how Paige _kindly_ told her she was shortly after the failed proposal.

Continuing, she sighed.  “I was harsh on him when I shouldn’t have, not with my secret. He’s been nothing but good to me, and I’m going to do everything I can here on out to be as good to him too.”

Cabe smiled as she spoke, knowing that the resolve Happy had in her would surely see her and Toby through this, no matter how long it took. “Good.” He responded simply, getting up to wash his mug. Allowing Happy to mull over their conversation for those few moment, he patted her back before walking out. “Now just make sure you tell that to him with just as much promise as you said it to me. And do it, too.”

-

Later that evening, and after a family dinner that had gone over pretty well, both Paige and Cabe found themselves watching from their respective desks as Happy walked over to to where Toby was sprawled along the length of the couch and reading his journals, two simultaneously of course, as was his standard. They couldn’t hear what she said, but knew it had to be something good at the way Toby sat up with a genuine smile on his face. He said something in return to her before they both went to grab their stuff, and Toby shouted to the team that they were leaving, gently guiding Happy out with a hand on the small of her back.

The two normals of the team shared approving glances, and Paige nodded to the back to motion to Cabe that they should probably talk there. “So, what did yours say?” she asked with slight grin as they sat down on the chairs just in front of the trailer.

“Yours first,” Cabe returned the question, and Paige mulled over her conversation with Toby before retelling the gist of it.

“He’s broken,” she admitted sadly. “He’s so broken, and as much as he wants to get over all of this so badly, it’s like he’s lost on how exactly to get there.”

Cabe nodded before contributing what he’d garnered earlier. “Happy too, she hates herself for what she’s done and is regretful about it all, but I don’t think she knows how exactly to convey that to Toby in a way that would help them heal.”

“Not that I’m playing favorites, but God, it’s so hard to pick a side here.” He groaned, and Paige frowned a little.

“I don’t think we’re supposed to pick sides. Hell, I don’t think even _they_ see themselves as being on separate sides. They’re still very much one unit, we have to give them that. Only it’s a very broken and damaged unit as of now.”

Thinking about what she said, Cabe murmured his agreement and said how he’d been trying to approach this the wrong way. “From what I gathered, she does want to talk and work things out but they don't get very far before it all breaks down again,” he added.

Paige nodded solemnly. “Toby too, but he… Some of the doubt has manifested itself as a defense mechanism, and he’s practically emulating Happy now with putting up walls somewhat.” She raised her eyebrows in an _I know, right?_ way when Cabe blinked in surprise at that. “You’d think he’d be the last person to do so. ‘I can’t live without her, it’s just that I can’t quite seem to live _with_ her these days either’ is what he said.”

Cabe played nervously with the buttons on his suit jacket. “But he’s not giving up on them, right? Because Happy’s so desperate to get him back, it’ll kill her.”

“No, God no.” Paige rushed to reassure him. “That was what that outburst was about, I’m sure you heard it. He snapped at me that I so much as suggested taking a break till he figured things out.”

Exhaling in relief, Cabe asked if there was anything they could do to help Toby and Happy get the good back in their lives, and Paige couldn’t bite back a smirk as she replied. “Not to go back to my sorority days when I would gossip about people’s intimate lives, but I get the idea they’re having a _lot_ of good in that aspect regardless of the mess their emotions are in.”

Blushing awkwardly at the fun tone Paige used to talk about it, Cabe agreed how he got the same from Happy. “And for _her_ to be willing to talk about the most private aspect of their lives? You know there has to be something strong there.”

“You got that right,” Paige’s smirk only intensified, until they heard Ralph come down from the loft after finishing his latest experiment with Walter and call for her. “I’d love to talk more, but that’s my cue.”

Getting up himself, Cabe said it was time he got home too, and called out for Sylvester to pack his things if he wanted a lift. “But what _can_ we do?” He stopped briefly just before entering the main area, looking to Paige for guidance on where to take the situation next, and the liaison could only shrug.

“Support them. Be there for them when they need us, and especially when they say they don’t, but other than that I think it’s really up to them to work it out.”

* * *

* * *

_“‘What happens when people open their hearts?’ ‘They get better.’”_

_\- Haruki Murakami_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the longest we've ever written and thank you for reading all 17+k of it!!! We're so excited for your reactions and would love to know your favorite moment(s) =D 
> 
> Reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time.


	18. Chapter 18

**_One day, you and I are going to wake up and be alright. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but one day. One day. I promise you._ ** **_  
_ ** **_\- Unknown_ **

* * *

* * *

“Toby?” Happy shook his shoulder to wake him up, but didn't get the slightest response. She wasn’t surprised though, Toby was the guy who conked out the moment they stepped into the plane to come home from Vietnam. Even the turbulence left behind by an F4 tornado didn’t wake him.

She grabbed her phone and blasted an alarm ringtone into his ear. He tried to swat it away and she used that tiny bit of consciousness to remind him that Cabe was going to kill them if they were late.

“Whose nuke is it this time?” he mumbled as he lifted his head just enough to read the display of the clock over her shoulder. “Though actually, becoming atomic dust sounds much better than having to think at 4.45 in the morning.”

Happy smiled, she loved Toby’s half-asleep babbles, which she had hardly heard in the past three months. “It’s not a case, sleepyhead. We have the run today, remember?”

“I know you like running, but doing anything but sleep at this time of the morning is plain ridiculous.” Toby turned on his back to look at her.

“It’s the Homeland 5K, we don’t get to choose the timing.” She gently tugged at his arm to make him sit up, and he groaned as he begrudgingly pushed the covers off.

“For the record, this is all on you.”

_Happy tried to disentangle herself from Toby as gently as she could so as to not wake him. He didn’t cuddle her every night, but after the blowout from the day before with Rizzuto they slept wrapped up in each other. For a moment, she allowed herself to pretend as if they were back to normal, but she knew pretending would only make things harder when he woke up and reality came crashing down. It was still dark out, but she liked running early enough in the mornings that she could be home by sunrise. Melancholy enveloped her as she looked at Toby still sound asleep, and remembered the first time he had learned about her early morning runs._

She had tripped over their clothes strewn across the floor from the nights before, still not used to being in a real relationship again after so many years. He had woken up at the sound of a bottle falling off the dresser as she grabbed the edge for balance, thinking that he missed a call from Walter about an emergency case. “I’m dating a crazy person,” he smiled lazily when she told him she was voluntarily going for a run that early, pulling her down for a kiss before she left.

_Some days he wouldn't even notice she had gone, she’d be able to come back, shower and start on breakfast before he stirred. But he woke up that day, murmuring her name before she even made it out of the bed, and not removing his arms from around her._

_“I’m just going for a run,” Happy said halfheartedly, not wanting to leave the bubble that seemed to envelop them, not matter what his reasons for not moving away might be. “I’ll be back before we have to go to work.”_

_“I know, I know,” He stifled a yawn into the pillow. Still laying on his stomach, he turned his head to face her. “Can I come?”_

_“Huh?”_

_“The run, can I come with you?”_

_Happy was confused, and a little surprised. “Uh, yeah of course. But since when do you…”_

_“Rory and I, we run or go to the gym some nights.” He paused, turning over and sitting up to look at her where she was perched on the edge of the mattress, watching him. “That’s why I shower sometimes before coming home. I… I don’t know why I didn’t just tell you that last night.”_

_She shakily let out a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding. When they left Rizzuto’s office the previous day, she wasn’t sure if they could ever recover, and when he had come over that night freshly showered and with a much clearer mindset, she was certain it was to tell her they were over, that he was done with their back and forth and that was it._

_Happy offered him a small smile, nodding her head to tell him it was okay. “So, you think you’ve become good enough to keep up with me?” She teased, desperate to make the most of the moment._

_Toby knew what she was trying to get at, but he couldn’t help the bitterness bubbling inside him. He bit back a comment about how over the past year she had been insulting him plenty that he really didn’t need more from her now, instead just shrugging. “Physiologically, yes. My stride is longer than yours, seeing as my hip is where your waist is.”_

_Happy swallowed as her attempt at joking fell flat, but she didn’t want to fight him on it, not when this was the first time he was initiating doing something together since, that wasn’t just emotionally detached sex._

_“After everything that happened yesterday, I didn't want to just leave this morning.” Toby admitted, knowing his coldness hurt and wanting to let her know that he was working on everything._

_He didn’t talk during the run, but it wasn’t for him being out of breath. Happy was impressed by the drastic improvement in his stamina, and grateful that he was making attempts to make things better._

_Running turned out to be surprisingly therapeutic for them, allowing them to spend time together without the pressure of having to engage in a conversation that would more than likely spiral into a fight. And later, when they did have talk over breakfast, the seemingly constant need to clash seemed to evaporate. Toby would ramble about the endorphin rush from exercise chemically putting them into a better mood, but Happy hoped the window into a more normal relationship they had for an hour every morning was giving them the kick they needed to stop fighting and start mending._

_Normally Happy would only run at most four times a week, but after they realized the running was helping them heal a little at a time, they decided to make it a daily thing. Cabe noticed the shift in dynamic too a few days later. They still weren’t coming in together, Toby always found a reason to stay back even after they had both gotten dressed, and Happy didn’t want to push him, but the agent saw how they were both much calmer and less volatile in the mornings._

_“It’s the running in the morning,” Happy had smiled when Cabe asked her about it, not thinking much as she bit into her bagel, and definitely not expecting the smug smile that spread across his face._

_“You know, we have our annual Homeland run coming up in about two weeks. We should all sign up.” He announced, rolling his eyes at the sputtered excuses from the rest of the team._

_“I’ll help you train,” he carried on. “If I could whip my cadets into shape to run five miles in 40 minutes in two weeks, I should be able to make your sorry asses at least finish the 3.2 mile course. Even if it takes you half a year to cross the finish line.” He muttered the last bit under his breath._

_Happy and Toby exchanged glances, they had run five miles just that morning, but there was no way they were going to let Cabe know._

_Walter started babbling something about having an urgent project which he couldn’t leave unattended, and how having a strict exercise regime was honestly unnecessary and inefficient. “We can all run well enough to avoid getting shot and captured on missions, that’s good enough for me.”_

_“And I have a deviated septum,” Sylvester added._

_“Come on guys, it sounds fun!” Paige piped up from the corner. “Plus since you two are already running, it’s just adding on a bit more distance, right?” She beamed at Toby who narrowed his eyes._

_“Judas.”_

_“Perfect,” Cabe got up from the table, grabbing his laptop. “I’m going to sign all of us up. It’s the following Saturday, so that gives us eleven days. Not ideal, but I’m sure we can make this work.”_

_“And don’t you dare hack the system and remove your names.” He looked pointedly at Walter and Sylvester whose fingers were already hovering over their tablets, glaring them down until they sheepishly put the devices away._

“I think it could be fun,” Happy nudged him to prevent him from falling asleep sitting up, and Toby looked plain offended.

“I’m sorry, did you miss the part where I said it was 4.45 _in the morning_? ‘Fun’ does not exist in my vocabulary until at least 7.30 and three mugs of coffee.”

“You weren’t complaining yesterday morning,” she grinned, and Toby stared at her.

“Yeah, but yesterday morning, I woke up to you kissing my chest, not you talking about Cabe.” He watched her scrunch her face at the buzzkill as he got out of bed. “Exactly.”

Happy caught his arm and tugged him down for a kiss. It was more than he expected and he had a dazed smile when she pulled back. “Get dressed, Doc. I’m making us protein shakes for breakfast.”

His groan wasn’t lost on her and she swatted at his hip to go. “I’ve got coffee on too, you big baby.”

The grin on Toby’s face made her smile as she walked away, shaking her head at how some things never change and how glad she was for it.

* * *

“Woah woah, what’s this?” Toby exclaimed when they finally reached the park, seeing Walter wearing his normal smart casual attire, and Sylvester back in his knee brace from when he injured himself a few days before they went to Kazakhstan.

“I forgot about the dress code and it’s too late to go back to garage to change. Sorry.” Walter shrugged, not looking in the least bit apologetic.

“My knee started acting up again,” Sylvester at least had the decency to look a little ashamed, though it was a pathetic attempt.

“It’s a good thing you’re a genius, because your acting skills wouldn’t get you through a preschool play.” Toby kicked at Sylvester’s knee brace. “Just when I started trusting in you people again.” He muttered, but grinned a little to show there was no real malice behind it.

Cabe was shooting them withering glares when Paige and Ralph ran up to join them.

“Ralph wanted to come and support, so I let him skip the field trip to the art museum today. He spent all of last night making this.” She passed a rolled up poster to her son, who proudly showed it off to the rest of the team.

“I’m sure it’s very encouraging… whatever it says.” Cabe was already getting dizzy from the 1’s and 0’s that covered the poster, glancing at Paige who returned an _I have no idea either_ look.

“Go Cyclone exclamation point.” Sylvester translated the binary for them, ruffling Ralph’s hair. “Nice one, kiddo!”

Ralph smiled widely, but it faded when he saw Walter and Sylvester in their normal clothes. “Why aren’t you two running?”

“Walt ‘forgot the dress code’ and Sly’s knee is ‘acting up again.’” Happy rolled her eyes as she mocked the said duo.

“You could have at least come up with better excuses,” Ralph deadpanned.

Toby laughed as he high-fived the kid, then clutched his wrist as if in great agony. “Oh, my _extensor carpi radialis longus_!” He tried, but nobody bought it.

Cabe sighed heavily and grabbed him by said wrist, dragging him to the registration table with the girls following behind, Paige significantly more excited than Happy. “At least I have three of five, which is more than half, so good enough.”

“Wow, such a math genius. Why do we even keep Sly around anymore?” Toby shot back dryly, and Cabe slapped the back of his head.

The crowds were slowly building up, runners and supporters alike, with the respective crews setting up speakers and refreshment tables along the path. Ralph ran up to them just as they were heading toward the starting point, with comms in hand for each of them.

“Walter said it’s so we can keep in contact while you’re running.”

“Walter could have also kept in contact while we run by running with us.” Cabe growled through the comms, and Walter hummed noncommittally in response.

A group beside them were wishing each other good luck, and Ralph blinked. “There’s no such thing as luck, but as long as you maintain a constant speed over the distance with a stride rate of 180 to 200 steps per minute, you’ll be good.”

Paige stared blankly at her son. “Of course, thank you, honey. Now get back to the Walter and Sylvester before you get lost in the crowd, okay?”

He nodded and ran off, and Cabe was about to warn the trio not to disappear halfway through the run, when there was a familiar whirring sound over their heads, and someone gasped in fear.

“Is that a _hawk_?”

“No.” Cabe didn’t even need to look up to know what was going on. “That’s just my team.” He grumbled, and Birdroni dipped a wing as if to say hello.

There were the usual ‘rousing’ speeches by various people, that had Walter complaining about how unnecessary and useless and unmotivating they were, and the starter pistol finally went off.

* * *

The rest of the team was waiting for them at the finish line as they ran through. Sylvester landed Birdroni, hugging the robot bird as if he hadn’t seen it in years, as Ralph ran to hug Paige.

“I have my specially formulated isotonic drink here, the four of you should have some.” Walter announced, holding up a jug of the horrendous liquid.

“That the same thing from back when you got yourself bitten by that snake?” Cabe eyed the jug suspiciously, balking when Walter replied in the affirmative. “I’d rather die of dehydration.”

Happy hung back with Toby while the others headed back to the resting area and they both turned off their comms and pocketed them. “That wasn’t as much of a disaster as we thought it would be,” she smiled up at Toby, and he grinned in response.

“That’s because the two biggest disasters of the team didn’t even run.”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “Walt’s going to kill you if he finds out you said that.”

“Then don’t tell him.” Toby responded simply, biting back a snarky _you’re so good at keeping secrets after all_ in favor of keeping the peace and general lightheartedness of the day. Instead, he impulsively wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer to him. “And for the record,” he kissed her cheek, “I totally beat you.”

Happy looked up at him, stunned but not wanting to break the moment. Toby seemed to realize that this was probably one of their first instances of casual intimacy _since_ , and almost definitely their first public one. In that moment of being so hopped up on adrenalin and endorphins, fighting with her was the furthest thing from his mind. “What?” He smirked, hugging her just that little bit tighter. “Not even going to try and deny it?”

“There’s everything to deny, but I figured I might as well let you bask in your own glory for a while.” She nudged into him playfully, the last thing she wanted was for him to take it the wrong way, or to read into it having a second meaning that it really didn’t have, and get set off again.

Toby mocked being severely offended. “Oh really? Well in that case we should have a rematch.”

Happy all but snorted. “Why, so you can prove you lost _again_?”

“I think you mean prove _you_ lost again.” He teased her back, and they continued their banter- genuine and fun for the first time in far too long- until they caught up with the rest of the team.

Tired, but with everyone in high spirits for once in far too long, the team decided they might as well go out for brunch before dispersing again for the rest of the weekend. Settling on a café a little ways from the park where they were, Cabe laughed as he offered to have brunch on him for forcing them into the run and training sessions.

Paige and Cabe started talking about how great it was to be out so early and see the sun rise through the trees, agreeing to sign up for the next run, at which the geniuses promptly turned away from the conversation before they could be roped in again.

“Though y’know,” Toby leaned against Happy, talking low enough that only she would hear. “According to the GPS on my phone, about half a mile west of here is around 3.2 miles to your place…”

Happy knew what he was getting at and stared at him incredulously. “Are you serious?”

“As serious as that weird old-people cookie Cabe likes to talk about.”

“We _just_ ran a 5k barely an hour ago.”

Toby smirked and took another mouthful of his food. “I was only offering you a chance to redeem yourself. But if you don’t want to, then that’s fine with me.”

“Harvard didn’t bother teaching you it’s not healthy to exercise immediately after eating?” Happy countered expertly, hitting him exactly where she knew it would target his ego the most.

It worked, and Toby scoffed, offended. “ _Of course_ I know that. I’m not _stupid_ -”

“You sure about that?” Happy interrupted as she normally would have _before_ , the lightness of the day almost making her forget that they still weren’t okay yet, and immediately froze when she realized she might have just upset the fragile truce they’ve been enjoying.

But she was overthinking it, Toby took it in his stride as part of their usual banter that he was so relieved was coming back to them again. Instead, he just made a face at her, that Ralph saw as he looked up.  

“What is it, sweetie?” Paige asked at the sudden giggle from her son who had up till that moment been engrossed in his tablet, researching the latest mathematics theory Walter and Sylvester were discussing beside him.

Toby and Ralph replied in unison, a rushed “Nothing!” that had Paige rolling her eyes at their antics before going back to her conversation with Cabe over how great the run was.

“ _As I was saying_ ,” Toby turned back to Happy after sharing yet another partners-in-crime nose flick with Ralph. “I _do_ know better than to exercise after a meal. I was going to suggest looking around the area for a while, and _then_ racing you back home.”

“‘Looking around the area for a while’?” Happy repeated with a playful skepticism in her tone, and Toby shrugged good naturedly.

“We haven’t casually gone out, just the two of us, in a really long time. And we hardly ever come to this part of town anyway, so why not?”

Happy heartened at that, unable to stop the smile spreading across her face as Toby initiated what would be only their second date since this fiasco began. And given how short-lived the bliss from the first one was, she could only hope that this turned out better. “Okay.” She agreed, and Toby’s smiled matched hers as he intertwined their hands under the table.

* * *

Hanging back with Toby after the rest of the team headed back home or to the garage (much to the approving glances and smiles of Paige, Sly and Cabe, and even Walter seemed pleased as he offered to drive Toby’s car back to the garage for the weekend once they mentioned they were probably going to walk over to Happy’s), Happy couldn’t help but feel a little awkwardness bubbling up inside her. _This is ridiculous_ , she told herself. She and Toby had known each other so well for so long that even in the very beginning of their relationship, they had been nothing but comfortable and in tune with each other. But now, for some reason, she felt like the stereotypical girl on a first date.

 _That formal date didn’t work out too well for too long, so let’s just do our thing and keep this one fun, hmm?_ Toby had whispered as he nudged her while they were finishing up brunch, tenderness and concern masked as a playful gesture to avoid questions from the team. She had smiled at that and squeezed his knee under the table to convey her thanks, but now his loving reassurance made how nervous she was feeling at the moment all the more irrational.

Toby noticed her discomfort, of course he did, and he reached for her hand as they continued walking along the row of eateries and little shops. “Everything okay, Hap?”

“Yeah.” Her smile _was_ genuine- things had been looking up for them ever since that explosive session with Rizzuto and them making up later that night. But she knew Toby was looking deep inside her, and decided against keeping up her ‘everything is perfect’ facade. “I… I just…”

“I know.”

When she looked up at him, Toby was smiling at her in his usual way, though there was a hint of melancholy behind it. And when she _really_ looked at him, she saw how he seemed to be a little flustered and uncertain, too.

“We haven’t done this is a while, have we?” He squeezed her hand, and she could only look down, unable to maintain eye contact.

Before she had dropped her bombshell on him, exploring new places together had become _their thing_ , something they’d done whenever they had a free day or had gotten off work early. But between her love of driving and his wanderlust, they'd often go further out, up to a few hours away at times, and would hardly stay local. Happy remembered how they’d started exploring this very stretch once, a few weeks into their relationship, but had been called in for an emergency case before they could get very far.

“Hap?” Toby squeezing her hand got her out of her thoughts enough to look up at him.

“Can’t believe we never got around to coming back here.” Happy commented as she looked around the area that was so close to where she lived, yet she had hardly bothered coming to.

Toby laughed a little in agreement. “Well, we just did.” His eyes twinkled with love and amusement as she glanced at him, equal parts grateful and surprised at how easily, how _naturally_ , they had slipped back into what was almost their usual rhythm after so many weeks of fights and pain and emotional distance.

About an hour later, after an amazing walk looking around and talking about everything from the team to Toby’s volunteering at the shelter to what she was working on with her dad - though any discussion about their relationship was very noticeably and very purposely left out - Toby took his phone out and checked something, before abruptly pulling Happy a few feet backward.

“Toby, wha-”

“Here.” He scuffed his shoe against the concrete of the sidewalk as if to make a mark. “Here marks 3.2 miles from your place, if you’re up for it.”

Happy’s jaw all but dropped. “You _really_ want to do this?”

“Last chance to redeem yourself, kitten.” Toby grinned. “Or to accept defeat a second time. That’s up to you.”

“But we only _just_ -”

“Neither of us had very heavy meals, just about an hour is more than enough time to be safe. Unless you’re too tired, in which case I win by default.”

His good-natured teasing fired up Happy’s competitive spirit again. “Oh, if you want this, then you’re so on.”

“Oh, I want this.” Toby shot back, bouncing lightly on his feet as he warmed his muscles up again, his competitiveness kicking into high gear as well. “We go when I say go.”

Pausing for effect, he looked over at Happy to make sure she was fully on board with the rerace, smiling when he saw her watching him with that competitive defiance he loved so much about her.

“Go!”

Their re-race was fairly uneventful, save for the occasional looks they got from passers by for being crazy enough to run just after noon. Their pace was slightly slower than normal though, the effects of waking up at 4.45 a.m. and having already run a previous five miles earlier taking a toll on the both of them. And, despite their natural competitiveness and egging each other on throughout the run, it was obvious that there was no real competition between them during the second run, the both of them keeping pace with the other and finding excuses to hover in one spot until the other caught up with them, if the distance between them ever got too far.

As they reached her apartment, Toby slowed down intentionally to let her reach before him. They had the rest of their lifetimes for him to win, he knew, and in this moment, what with all that was happening between them, seeing her so ecstatic and excited meant the world to him.

“Told you I beat you!” Happy was radiating a smug jubilance as she raised her hands in the air in victory, for once not caring that they were in the middle of the lift lobby of her apartment where anyone could see.

Taking his cue from her, Toby closed the gap between them to hug her, walking her backward until she was pressed against the wall between the two lifts. “That’s only because I let you win.” He laughed, reaching around her to press the call button for the lift.

One lift was already on the ground floor, and dinged as its doors opened beside them. Playfully, Happy pulled Toby down for a quick kiss before pushing him off to walk into the lift. “You keep telling yourself that, Doc.”

He caught her around the waist and she was a bundle of giggles as the elevator made its way up to her floor. He didn't let go of her until they reached her door and she needed to get her key out.

It was only when they walked into her apartment that the full exhaustion of having woken up so early and having run two five miles hit them. Kicking off his shoes and socks at the door, Toby all but collapsed onto her couch, muttering how he wanted to sleep for a decade and that they were really going to feel this when they woke up later.

Happy laughed from where she was in the kitchen, getting the both of them ice cold waters that were sure to taste like ambrosia to them. “The second run was all on you.” She reminded him as she walked over to hand him his glass, a glass he accepted gratefully.

“Yeah, I’m starting to regret that life decision.” He was still panting somewhat as he pressed the cool glass to his forehead, moaning at the sensation. “Oh god, this feels so good.”

She didn’t know what it was, exactly, but looking at him so sweaty and flushed, and the way he groaned with his arms spread along the back of the couch, dropping his head back, sparked something in Happy that threw all her previous exhaustion out the window.

“You think _that_ feels good, huh?” She smirked, setting both their glasses down as she shifted to straddle him while kicking her sneakers and socks off. 

“Huh?” Toby picked his head up at the combination of her words and her familiar weight on top of him. There was no pretense in the way she wrapped her arms around his neck to pull him closer to her, and that glint in her eyes that he knew all too well. And the way she looked at him, held him, ever so slightly grinding her hips against his, had him fighting a losing battle against himself. Shifting slightly to sit up straighter and moving his hands down to hold her waist, all he could murmur was a low “You’re going to be the death of me, Happy Quinn” as he closed the distance between them to meet their lips.

His hands moved to hold her with one and he snaked his other up to the base of her neck. She had control and he eagerly gave into her wants by opening his mouth. When he felt her tongue drag between his lips demanded, there was no way he could hold back moaning.

The reverberations of it into her mouth had her chuckling. “I want you alive, Doc.” Kissing her way up his jaw, she nipped at his ear. “You're much more fun that way,” she whispered.

There was no chance for him to retort as she brought her hands back to his face and kissed him again. He was absolute putty in her hands and at her mercy.

While he groaned into her kiss, Happy pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it to the side. Perking up, he slid his hands down her sides and played with the hem of her tank top.

“What are you waiting for, Doc? Can’t handle me?” The playfulness back in her voice brought him such joy as the last few weeks were touch and go after their session with Rizzuto. They had more to deal with but today was good and he wanted that to continue. Any demons they still needed to face could wait, because now, now was about them and getting as close as physically possible.

“Oh, I can more than handle you, lovebug,” he told her matter-of-factly as he slid the workout tank over her head and grinned at seeing her bare underneath.

He moved his hands up to rest on either side of her breasts and thumbed the underside of them. “You are full of surprises though…”

“I hate sports bras.” She rolled her chest into his face and had to bite her lip when he licked the valley between her breasts up to the dip in her clavicle. “Being flat chested has its perks, Doc,” she got out with a sight shudder.

“Your-breasts-are-absolutely-perfect.” He punctuated each word with a kiss across them and his thumbs applied delicious pressure that had her grinding down on him.

“You think you're smooth, don't you, Curt-” She was cut off by his hand moving to palm her. As he began to roll her nipple between his thumb and forefinger, she rocked into his touch.

Feeling smug at how he got this visceral response from her, he grinned that Cheshire Cat grin and nodded as his lips brushed over her nipple. “It got me you, didn't it?”

Happy rolled her eyes but smirked despite herself. She rested her forearms on his shoulders and felt him growing harder underneath her. His breath caught in his throat from her ministrations and the way she looked at him with pure lust.

She crawled her fingers down his chest as his eyes stayed glued to hers. When she cupped him over his shorts, Happy nipped at his earlobe and whispered how they needed a condom.

He said there’s a box in the kitchen cabinet behind the wine glasses. She quirked her eyebrows and he laughed how he stashed them all over her apartment. “Mine too, babe.” Gaining his nerve, and his game back, he squeezed her ass. “You never know when we’ll need them. My girl gets frisky frequently.”

“Where else did you stash them?” She tightened her knees around his sides and narrowed her eyes.

He wasn't fazed though, and merely chuckled. “The drawer in that table over there, a box in the bathroom under the sink.” She widened her eyes and he added how she'd also find the bottom drawer of her dresser filled with condoms.

“You really think we need that much, huh?” She raised an eyebrow playfully, and Toby nipped at her chin as he reminded her how they’d pretty much christened every surface of both their apartments.

“And I know you’re not complaining about a second of that.” This confidently playful air around them had been missing for so long, and now that it was finally back, they both reveled in it as much as they could.

Happy hummed, kissing up his jaw again and smirking against his skin at him groaning. “Clearly neither are you…” She kissed him, nibbling on his bottom lip as she knew he liked.

With his lip gently between her teeth, she pulled back. Looking down at him, Happy tilted her head as the side of her mouth curved up. “You still need a nap, Doc?”

He shook his head, asking if she wanted him there or in bed.

“Bed,” she told him, pressing a kiss to his lips before standing. She pushed her shorts and underwear down in one swift motion and he gulped. Toby stared for a moment until she nudged his knee with hers.

She was out of his reach when he finally stood and shed his own shorts and boxers before going to her. Happy was quick though, she grabbed a condom from behind the wine glasses and leaned against the wall, crooking her finger at him.

He sped to her in a second and pressed into her. “Just couldn’t wait for me, could you, honey bear?”

The answer she gave was to rip the condom wrapper open with her teeth and she had it rolled down him while all he could do was watch, and thank her.

Toby lifted her up, her hand still around his shaft guiding him inside her. She sighed at the feel of him filling her up and with her head tipped back, he kissed her neck as they shifted into each other. Moving her hips side to side, she slid her hands up his arms.

“Damn, Doc, how are you this built?”

“All the sex I’m having.” He attempted _the smolder_ but looked more like a puppy than a stud. Blushing under her gaze despite their intimate position, Toby mumbled how he was exercising a lot more now with Rory. “And, it’s also the sex,” he contended.

“You are having _a lot_ of sex with me…” 

“I’m only having sex with you, Hap.” The tone of his voice was soft and the playful mood from a moment ago evaporated. “Only you.” He pressed a kiss to her temple, the softness of it in contrast to how suggestive they’d just been. He had never meant anything more than when he told her there would never be anyone else, and all he wanted was for her to know and trust him on that no matter what they were going through.

She nodded, an unspoken understanding to keep it playful between them. Going back to rubbing his biceps, she told him how fucking hot it was that he's this ripped now. “Tell me, what do you like more?”

The rolling of her hips sent a jolt through them both and he pushed deeper inside her. “I love doing you,” he rasped in her ear. Toby left a trail of kisses down her neck, his scruff on her skin sending little bursts of electricity through her. “I mean, look at now. I couldn’t hold you up and fuck you at the same time if I weren’t super strong.”

Happy laughed and he growled, feigning injury to his ego. She clenched her inner muscles around him and said so far she’s been the one fucking him and all he’s done is talk.

Sucking the spot just under her ear that made her knees weak, he ran his hands up and down her sides. With her legs wrapped firmly around his waist, he started trailing kisses up her neck and back down her chest, leaving a hickey on her right breast.

Her hands tangled at the nape of his neck and she grabbed his hair to pull his head back. “I need you to move,” she said with a pant.

“Loosen your grip, I can’t rock your world this constrained.”

Happy unlocked her ankles and Toby took the opportunity to pull back only to thrust deep into her. She cried out from the increases friction and brought his face closer to hers as he fucked her like promised.

The adrenaline from the race was still there and the way they fell back into their easy companionship made all of this feel _more._ Her breath was hot at his temple urging him on with a mixture of pants and moans.

Being taken against the wall for the first time since their first time _after_ , Happy felt as much passion but even more certainty that they were healing and would be back to how they were before. They were still far from perfect, and she knew there were still secrets being kept on both sides, especially hers. But they were truly on the right track now, she could feel it with every fiber of her being, and she knew she’d do anything to get them back to that good place again. If nothing else, that was the least she could give Toby after shattering his heart when she broke his trust the way she did. Yet he still never gave up and she loved him all the more for it.

Toby continued to rock back and forth and her back arched out with each thrust. They were both close and their heightened senses had them there without much manual stimulation. But Happy planned to remedy that.

Taking his hands, she instructed him to hold her while she got them closer. He furrowed his brows and then they raised up as she cupped his balls with one hand and began to rub her clit with her other.

“Damn, that’s sexy as fuck.” He pushed deeper and her hand worked away, its hold on him firm.

“Keep going,” she murmured.

The pressure of her fingers against her clit felt heavenly, and the sight of her had Toby close to exploding. But he needed in on this action. Shuffling his feet closer together, his one hand brought hers to his neck. “Let me finish you off, darling.”

She had no words as his thumb expertly massaged her swollen clit and his thrusts slowed. Her knees were now digging into his sides and she wiggled to get even closer. Clutching at his back, she bit down on his shoulder with the waves of her orgasm intensifying.

Toby hissed but the sharpness in his shoulder somehow intensified his own orgasm building. He felt each wave of hers and it took all his concentration and considerable willpower to keep going until her inner muscles spasmed tighter around his cock.

Happy rested her head in the crook of his neck and whimpered at climax. With sounds coming from her, as well as her coming around him, Toby was nearly there. He only needed two more thrusts into her and he came, his entire body slumping forward at the release of endorphins and his hold on her tightening.

“God, I love you, Happy.” He breathed hard and started kissing her shoulder with her face still against his neck. She nodded and it wasn’t until her legs dropped from his sides that he pulled out of her reluctantly.

Flushed and with a dazed look in her eyes, Toby rolled the condom off himself and used his other arm to pull her back to him. “Definitely,” he smirked, “I definitely prefer doing you. So much more.”

“Glad I make it worth your while,” she smirked in return, and his expression softened as he told her how she was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Smiling at that, Happy leaned up to kiss him before leaning back against the wall even as his arm stayed wrapped around her, the coolness of the paint giving her much needed relief.

Seeing that, and noticing how she was still flushed and panting from the runs and their most recent _workout_ , Toby laughed as he swept back her hair that was sticking to the sweat on her face. Kissing the newly exposed skin, he murmured how a shower would help her cool down. “And considering how I need to shower too, I think the most efficient way would be for us to shower together.” He winked at her, and she rolled her eyes good naturedly as she started dragging him to the bathroom.

Turning on the shower, she moved back until she was pressed against the wall and pulled him toward her so he was crowding her against it. “Prove to me why we need to keep condoms in the bathroom,” her whisper in his ear had him swallow heavily.

“I love it when you're this frisky.” He trailed a finger up her side, not hiding an ounce of how smug he was at how her breath hitched at that. “I agree, if we could do a repeat of the run, we can certainly do a repeat of this.”

Happy responded simply by wrapping her arms around his neck to pull him to her as she kissed him languidly. Pulling back, Toby knew from her smirk that she truly was going to be the death of him even before she said anything. “A repeat sounds perfect.” She leaned up to kiss him quickly again. “But this time, you’re coming first.”

* * *

Toby fell back heavily on the bed as he waited for Happy to finished drying her hair. He took the time to study her bedroom, for as much as they’d improved now and were spending so much more time together, for some reason they’d always end up at his place a lot more often than at hers. Granted, his place was slightly bigger than hers, and it was nearer to the garage, which made it more convenient on mornings they’d run late after getting a little _distracted_ while getting ready. But he still loved going over to her place, finding the littlest things laying around that told him that that bit more about her. The bitter thought of _But you still never knew the biggest secret she was hiding from you_ rose up in him again, but he fought to suppress it for the sake of the amazing day they were having.

Ironically enough, that explosive session at Rizzuto’s where they’d had their worst issues laid out in the open, and that massive fight they’d had after, had been the catalyst for things really looking up for them. Sure, they still had their bad days when he knew she and Walter were discussing finding Dylan but she didn’t tell him anything and he didn’t ask, or when his own issues would flare up and he’d need space from her, and the rest, to get his head right, but now the good days were getting a lot more frequent too. And today was one of the best they’d ever had _since_.

Stretching fully to ease his muscles that were already starting to ache, Toby saw one of the drawers of her wardrobe wasn’t closed fully due to a tee shirt peeking out and jamming it. Happy was still in the bathroom, so he figured he might as well go and close it properly for her. Opening the drawer to rearrange the clothes she had inside so they’d fit properly, his eyes widened when he saw an old MIT sweatshirt of his hiding at the very bottom. Carefully pulling it out so as to not mess up the rest of the drawer, Toby realized he couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen it. It was _definitely_ before they’d gotten together, and he’d passed it off as having been misplaced somewhere. Never in his wildest dreams had he thought Happy would have kept it for all this time.

Happy came out of the bathroom just then, still naked and fully expecting to just slide right into bed and snuggle down with Toby, but froze when she saw him holding that old sweatshirt. “What are you doing?” She asked a little uncertainly, a blush already growing on her face.

“What am _I_ doing?” Toby smirked as he walked over to her, still carrying the sweatshirt. “What was this doing at the bottom of your home clothes drawer?”

“Nothing.” Blushing fully now, Happy grabbed it from him and hugged it to herself as she walked past him to the bed, but Toby was way too pleased to let her get off that easy.

Climbing up onto the bed after her, Toby hugged her from behind to stop her from laying down just yet. “The last time I saw that was… hell, Hap, it was that time Sly was hospitalized after being almost blown up on that case with the safe robbers.”

Sylvester had been hospitalized for three days following that case, and on the second night Happy followed Toby under the pretense of _making sure you don’t go all elitist smartass on the doctors there_ . It was a colder night than usual, and the thin flannel shirt she wore did little to insulate her. _That_ was when he’d given her the sweatshirt, Toby finally remembered, it had been in the go-bag in the trunk of his car and he had tossed it over to her before leaving the garage when he saw her shivering every so slightly in the wind.

Grinning, Toby hooked his chin on her shoulder, turning his head to face her. “You kept it all this time?” His voice was loving, but there was also a hint of pride in his tone.

“Forgot to give it back.” Happy tried to shrug nonchalantly, but they both knew she was faking it.

“You and I both know that your memory is too good for you to just _forget_ to give it back.” Toby grinned. “Plus, I know you now. You can’t go two days without stealing something of mine, you little clothes thief.”

At that Happy scoffed and held his arms down as she wriggled from his grasp to turn and face him. “I can’t remember ever hearing you complain about that before.” She smirked. “In fact, if I recall correctly, you seem to rather like it.”

“Oh, I absolutely _love_ it.” It came out almost as a primal growl as Toby rubbed his hands along the back of her thighs. “I just didn’t know it had started this early on, is all.”

“Yeah, well.” She pushed his hands off on her as she slipped under the covers, still not letting go of the sweatshirt she was hugging tightly to herself. “It did.”

Toby couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he climbed over her to slip under the covers himself beside her. “I always knew you loved me. You’ve loved me for everrr.” He sang the last part as she turned to face him and rolled her eyes.

“What are you, in middle school?” She teased, and he just shook his head.

“I’m just so in love with with you.” He pressed a quick kiss to the tip of her nose. “Just as you are with me.”

Still clutching his sweatshirt like it was a safety blanket, Happy shifted closer to him until she was pressed against him with only the sweatshirt between them. “I have always… cared for you more than I’ve let on.” She admitted quietly, and the lighthearted teasing from moments ago transformed into a mood of soft love and affection.

“Yeah?” Toby asked as he ran a hand through her hair, not wanting to interrupt her on the rare occasions she’d open up to him, but also wanting to let her know that she had his full attention.

She nodded against him. “I just… I was always so hesitant to do anything because I was terrified that if we went too far, we might ruin what precious bond we did have. I was so afraid of losing the status quo, that I didn’t even consider the possibility we'd get a new, better one.”

Toby could only kiss her forehead as he waited for her to gather her thoughts enough to continue, feeling a warmth growing in his chest at what she was saying to him.

“And then, of course, there was also…” She trailed off, looking up at him nervously, and for the first time since finding out about it, Toby couldn’t bring himself to spin her mention of her secret marriage into yet another fight.

“I know,” he murmured, his lips still against her forehead. “It’s okay.”

“I love you, Toby.” Happy shifted back slightly so she could really look at him. “And I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done that hurt you-”

“Hap.” He cut her off by running his knuckles over her cheek before cupping her face. “It’s _okay_.”

She smiled a little at that, and burrowed her face into the crook of his neck again before whispering, “Why are you still here?”

Toby felt his blood run cold at that, and he gently held her a little away by her shoulder to be able to look at her fully, as he asked her what she meant by that.

Happy shook her head to alleviate his worst fears. “It’s just… I’ve never had anyone stick around the way you are. And especially after _I_ was the one to mess up so bad.”

“Remember what I told you after Bosnia?” Toby mentioning the first time either of them had seriously considered being together had her looking up at him. “I gave you my word that I’d take better care of you. And that’s not a promise I ever intend on going back on or breaking. Ever.”

“Can we ever go back to that, Doc? To how we were back then?” She asked softly, still painfully aware how they weren’t back to good yet despite the fact that things were slowly improving. “All I want is for us to go back to being best friends again, for now. And then we can figure out the rest.”

“But we are, Hap. That never changed between us.” Toby hooked a finger under her chin to get her to keep her gaze locked on him, sighing sadly at how uncertain she seemed. “Best friends have fights, knock down drag out fights, and they remain best friends. I have faith in us, Hap, always.”

Happy smiled gratefully at him, snuggling in even closer though she still hugged his old sweatshirt between them. “I don’t deserve you still sticking around, not after all I’ve put you through.”

Toby’s heart broke at how hesitant she was, how unsure that they truly hadn’t lost the core of who they were despite everything that had happened over the past weeks. “Well, in all fairness, I haven’t been anywhere near perfect either. ” He tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. “And the only thing you don’t deserve is to have the past that you did. I love you, Happy. You need to know that no matter what’s happening between us now, the feelings I have for you will never waver.”

His words comforted her, and he felt her relax against him. Picking at a thread that had come loose from the embroidered ‘M’ of the sweatshirt, Happy asked him almost inaudibly if he remembered the first time she told him he was her best friend.

“You mean while we were cooking up a bunch of illegal fireworks with a kid in the room?” Toby grinned, desperate to lighten the atmosphere from the darkness and doubt Happy was in. “Of course I do, babe, it was the same day we almost kissed. And the first time you willingly held my hand.”

Biting her lip with a grin, Happy instinctually reached out to hold his hand again, something they had almost started taking for granted ever since finally getting together. “You were so sweet that day.”

“ _That_ day?” Toby challenged playfully. “And ever since then I’ve been what, exactly?”

Happy couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped her as she told her he’d only become better with time. “You went right in for a kiss that day.” She grinned as she squeezed their intertwined hands, and he found himself matching her expression.

“I didn’t want to waste the opportunity.” He answered simply. “If not for that damn principal… Though I have to say, you jumping me in the back of the garage is a much hotter first kiss story than in front of a bunch of third graders.”

She playfully kicked at him under the covers, and he tickled her side in retaliation. Sighing contentedly, Happy rubbed circles in his palm as an apologetic expression flitted across her face again. “I wish I had been honest with you back then,” she admitted, ashamed. “But I had too many walls up and an estranged husband I was only starting to think I should start tracking again. And, and, like I told you, I never thought we could actually… I didn’t want to risk what we had, and I know it was stupid but-”

Toby cut her off with an urgent but gentle kiss, shushing her gently when he pulled back ever so slightly. “Happy, please believe me, it’s _okay_.”

Sighing, he moved to sit up against the headboard, pulling her up with him so she was sitting on his lap. “Look, you know I don’t believe in fate or luck or any of that crap, but I do believe in you. I believe in you, and I believe in us. I know things were pretty much perfect those days, and I know things are rough and so messy now, but you know what else I know?”

Happy shifted slightly so she look could face him, eyes wide as she waited for him to continue.

“I know that we’re going to get back there, and I know it’s going to be sooner rather than later now. It isn’t perfect yet, I’ll be the first to admit, but I think we both can see how things have been looking up recently, right?”  

“Yeah.” She dared to smile a little at him, dropping her head on his shoulder as she looked up at him. “Yeah, I’d like to think we’re on the right track.”

“That’s because we _are_ on the right track, Hap.” Toby kissed her temple, his hands covering hers over his sweatshirt. “I’m never getting this back, am I?” He smirked, trying to add a little playfulness back into their conversation.

“Nope.” Happy shook her head, her hair tickling his neck, as she hugged it even tighter to her.

“Do I even want to know how many times you’ve slept hugging it- or wearing it, I’m not going to judge- before we were even together?”

At that, Happy just scoffed before slipping off his lap and sliding under the covers again, Toby following her actions. “Like I’m going to give you something more to gloat about.”

“You avoiding the question alone gives me more than enough to gloat about,” Toby grinned as he turned on his side to face her.

Looking at him smiling down at her, Happy couldn’t believe how lucky she had gotten that she was the one Toby chose to love and be with every day. She had meant it what she’s said to him earlier, that no one had ever stuck around the way he did, but what she hadn’t told him was that she had also never _let_ anyone stick around the way he did.

He was right, the past few months had been rough and messy- and her fault- but for a long time after she  was terrified they’d never be able to go back to how they had used to be, that he’d never be able to look at her the way he had used to. But now, seeing the way he treated her, more love and adoration trickling back into him every day just as more of the anger and resentment seeped out, she knew that they never actually lost what they’d had.

 _Her_ Toby was still inside there, under all his demons- the ones she forced on him as well as his own after what _he_ had done- that much she had the comfort of knowing. She knew that just as how he never truly left her side even at her worst, she was always going to be there for him to come back to when those demons in his mind got the better of him. And she knew that she’d never stop fighting them with him, _for_ him, either.

Sure, for a while they lost sight of where they once were to start trying to get back there, but the fog cleared now and she knew that in time, they were really going to be okay.

“Penny for your thoughts?” His voice brought her back to the present moment, but as much as she wanted to tell him all she was feeling, she just couldn’t find the words in her. They’d already talked about how half their problems stemmed from her not being able to communicate properly, and she was working on that, she really was. But for now, with the pull of sleep becoming too much for either of them to fight, she curled into his arms and settled on the three words that best summed everything up.

“I love you.”

* * *

* * *

**_I love you, that means I’m not just here for the pretty parts. I’m here no matter what._ **

**_\- Claudia Gray_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'd love to hear your comments/feedback if you have time =D


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter delves into the physical abuse both Happy and Toby faced in their pasts. It isn't in great detail but they discuss the origins. If you'd prefer to skip over this talk of theirs, scroll down to just before the first line break.

**_The body changed over time, becoming a gallery of scars, a canvas of experience, a testament to life and one’s capacity to endure it._ **

**_\- Janet Fitch_ **

* * *

* * *

Happy stopped in her tracks coming back into the bedroom to see Toby sprawled on his stomach and facing the wall. Things between them were still rocky given the day, but the last few days were like old times. From gearing up with the team for the 5k to how much fun they had on their second casual date, she felt good in knowing they were getting back to _them_ how they were before. But, seeing him disengaged after what was some of the best sex they’ve ever had, her doubts crept up again and she was done skirting the elephant in the room.  

“What's wrong, Doc?” She didn’t speak until she crawled back into bed and straddled his hips to sit against his thighs. 

Feeling how tense the muscles in his back were when her hands rested on his shoulder blades, she leaned down to kiss his cheek. “You worn out from our morning?” 

“No. I'm fine,” he mumbled into the pillow. 

“You don’t sound fine.” She tried her best to keep her voice playful but he heard the hesitation and caution in it, wondering what kept him in their current holding pattern. 

But she didn’t talk as she massaged his neck and the top of his shoulder blades. Her fingers dug for extra pressure as she worked out a knot. He groaned and turned his head to the other side which made her stop. “Too deep?” she asked only for him to say it feels perfect. 

“You’ve got magic hands, Hap.” 

She chuckled and said he was starting to sound like himself again. “Usually you’re blissed out after what I just did. Talk with me, please?” 

Toby couldn’t keep this up any longer as he saw the pain she masked in her voice despite not seeing her. He reached his hand back and when she felt him roll over she shifted up on her knees before settling back across his hips. 

“I like it when my girl is dirty.” The smirk on his lips had her raise her eyebrows and he brushed back a lock of her hair, holding the side of her face. “I love you.” 

Happy nodded, thinking back to earlier that morning when they woke up horny as hell and she was on top. 

_ She rode him fast and his fingers gripped her hips to get even deeper inside her. She was closer and her flushed cheeks had him aching yet wanting her to come first. Holding the side of her chest with his thumb under her breast, his other hand slid between them to feel himself in her. With his pointer and middle fingers spreading her outer lips open more, he thumbed her clit.  _

_ Rocking back and forth with his thumb rubbing over her, Happy came soon after. Heavy on her orgasm high, she lifted off him and got between his legs before he could ask what she was doing.  _

_ The glint in her eyes told him this was his lucky day as she carefully rolled the condom off his shaft and lowered her mouth onto him. Moaning at how good her mouth felt around him, she cupped his balls and massaged the spot where they met, tugging gently. The groan he released and how his hips bucked up urged her on. When his hand tangled in her hair, she took him in deeper.  _

_ It was only a matter of moments before he came in her mouth and she swallowed, her hand easing off him to rest on his inner thigh. Pulling up, she circled his tip with her tongue and cleaned him off. Toby shuddered and when she lay over him, he wrapped his arms around her to kiss her.  _

She laughed to lighten the mood and held the side of his face. “I know something’s bothering you. Things have been good, right?” 

“They’ve been great,” he smiled at her, taking her hand to kiss her palm. 

“Then what? You’re too quiet for ‘good.’” There was a tentativeness to her tone as her fingers worked into the knots on his back. “And you’re never quiet.” 

“I can be quiet,” he defended weakly. 

“You having doubts?” 

“Absolutely not.” He tilted his head to the side to see her and when she bit her lip, he sighed. “You won’t let this go, will you?” 

When she shook her head he said okay, softly telling her he isn’t either. “ Things have been great and I love that. But they’re still far from perfect and how it used to be, and I feel like now I just keep waiting for that other shoe to drop.” He was ashamed this was how he felt but after all the progress they made, honesty was the only option. 

Her entire face fell from that admission which she quickly masked again and got off him to sit next to him with her back against the headboard. He shifted to rest his head across her lap,  hating himself when he felt the tension and nervousness flood back into her that started lifting over the past few days. Kissing her hand, he apologized for ruining their morning. 

She  smiled small as she told him it wasn’t ruined, he was merely being honest. “So what if it does?” she asked. Toby’s eyes perked up and he rolled to face her stomach but looking up at her face. “I’m not going anywhere, Doc. Not now and not ever.” 

Her resolve melted the wall that built back up and he kissed her abdomen. His lips dragged over the thin scars there and his arm wrapped around her back. 

“You do that often.” She ruffled his hair and he stopped,  afraid he had crossed the line. But instead she leaned down to kiss his forehead . “I’ve got a few scars I’m sure you wonder about.” 

He nodded but told her he knew that if she hadn’t told him she wasn’t ready to.  “I know we both have messy pasts, but we can take this one step at a time if you want. Fix our now first.”

“That’s true,” she agreed. “But I think I’m ready.” 

His eyes lit up and he said no pressure. “If you’re not ready, that’s okay.” 

Bending her knee up Happy’s hand tangled in his curls. “I’m ready.” 

Reaching over, his fingers traced a circular scar on the top of her foot. His medical training told him it was from a bad burn, and he didn’t need to be a genius to figure out it was most likely from a cigarette. Like the scars on her abdomen and back, the origin of this one had been a question burning on the tip of his tongue since the day he’d first seen it. He could tell it happened some time ago but not quite when, and the thought of anyone hurting the love of his life made his heart break for her. 

He looked back up at her when he heard her breath hitch, and was about to tell her she didn’t need to tell him everything immediately when she started talking.

“I was four,” she said, her eyes locked on the wall ahead. “It was the second foster home they put me in and the mom drank all the time, and smoked. A lot.” 

Toby swallowed, gearing himself up for what he already knew to be confirmed. 

Her voice remained quiet as she continued. “She had a temper, I learned that real quick.” Happy saw his eyes soften when she glanced down and her hand rested over his on her foot. “I was always exploring, getting into everything, and she didn't like that.” 

“It didn’t help that I was the only kid not old enough to go to school yet, so I never had anywhere to escape to outside the house.”

_ May 1992 _

_ Only a few weeks at this place taught Happy to make herself invisible when everyone else was awake. Times like now in the early afternoon stillness, she'd emerge from her hiding place in the attic. Nobody went up there that she witnessed and it was the one place she felt safe in the house.  _

_ Her fascination with microwaves and taking them apart began back then and she had been biding her time to inspect this one closer. The older kids were at school and the dad was ‘at work,’ or at least that's what he told them. ‘At work’ was code for ‘if I'm not fired I'll be at the bar after.’ He was a drunk as well but not a violent one. The wife was the one who had all the kids terrified.  _

_ She fumbled her way up the counter using a kitchen chair and the lip of the counter as leverage to hop up. Smiling as she made her way to the prize, she stopped, her lips curving down at remembering how she didn't have any tools for this investigation.  _

_ In her mind she went back to when she was still with her dad, how he’d given her access to whatever tools she wanted. Not the power tools, not yet, and even the smallest wrench he had made sure she used it under his supervision, but it was still so much more freedom than she had now. _

_ Stopping to regroup, she smiled as she crouched down to retrieve a screwdriver that she saw kept in the top drawer. Just as she was about to unscrew the back panel off, Happy heard shrieking and felt the foster mom yank her backwards.  _

_ The screwdriver fell to the floor and she was dazed from the intrusion only to feel a burning sensation on her bare foot. Crying out, the woman began yelling how she was no good and getting sent back to the group home the next day.  _

_ With tears streaming down her face, Happy didn't know how to react when the woman grabbed her and carried her to the room the kids stayed in.  _

“She locked me in the room we all stayed in, it was only when the older kids came back from school that evening that I could get out. My foot was on fire, literally. On the bright side, it was what inspired me to start learning to pick locks.” Happy gave him a lopsided smirk and said to Toby it was funny. 

“It isn't,” he said, his voice more serious than she’d ever heard it, tracing the scar. “That woman should be in jail.” 

“It doesn't work like that. Too many unwanted kids and not enough places for them. But it's fine now, I'm okay.” She ran her hand through his curls and rubbed her thumb over his temple. “And it taught me pain tolerance.” 

He went to protest and she stopped him with her finger to his lips. “I've known pain, Doc, worse than that. But not so young…” 

Toby traced over the scar and sighed. She thought he was going to say something but he didn't. He kissed her foot instead and looked up to see her swallow thickly. 

“I also learned not to trust anyone that day.” Happy glanced at him to see him giving her his full attention. “It was safer to have walls. That day I was so focused on the microwave I didn't think of the dangers that woman posed-” 

“That's on her, not you,” he said as he shifted to hold her hand while staying across her thigh. “She promised to take care of you and broke that trust.” 

Happy let out a deep breath and smiled watching Toby look up at her with only love and concern. She hadn't told anyone that story and it felt like a weight was lifted as she processed it. 

He asked how she was and she leaned down to kiss his forehead. “Better than I have been in years.” 

Toby smiled and kissed her stomach, his lips dragging across the thin scars he wished to know the story behind. He kept kissing her until she brought her foot up to nudge his shoulder. 

He looked up and Happy cupped his cheek. “This,” she said motioning to her foot, “was just the first of several scars I have. But you know that.” She smiled a little at the last part, motioning for Toby to sit up next to her so she could curl into him as she continued. 

_ October 1995 _

With the way my brain works, I remember every moment of it, _ she’d admit twenty years later, to the man who would soon become the love of her life. But in that moment, all seven year old Happy wanted to do was to find her father again. _

_ After a year of elementary school and watching the other kids burst out of the school building to launch themselves into their parents’ arms after the final bell rang while she had to plod back to the orphanage alone (her last foster family had returned her after she had tried to take apart their new microwave as well, to see if it could be used to make an EMP device), Happy never felt the need to see her father again so strongly. She still remembered the address of their house, though she had barely been three when she left it never to return again. Nobody knew that she knew, and up until now she didn’t have any resources to get there. But she did now. _

_ She had painstakingly saved up what precious little pocket money the state required she be given, as well as every penny she’d found on the street (not that she believed in luck), and calculated that she had just enough money for the bus ride from her school to their house, and back to the orphanage if her father really didn’t want her. _

_ People were staring at her the whole bus ride, no doubt wondering why such a young child was travelling on her own, and more importantly, what kind of parent would allow their child to be on public transportation by herself. Happy was young but she certainly wasn’t stupid, she knew the potential risks and had run them over in her mind a few times, but ultimately she figured that it was worth it to take the risk. After all, given the hell she was already living in, how much worse could it get even if something did happen to her? _

_ Getting off at the stop nearest to the house, Happy barely registered the changes to the area that had happened over the past four and a half years as she ran up the street to the side road she knew by heart, grabbing the straps of her flimsy backpack so it wouldn’t jostle around too much. Panting as she came up to the house, she stopped short when she saw it look completely different from when she had last seen it. The exterior walls that had been white before were painted a cheery shade of light yellow, and the once plain lawn was now bursting with color from the various trees and flowering bushes grown all over. And the driveway that once had her father’s red truck with the dented fender, was now littered with multiple colorful tricycles and scooters and a variety of other toys that she’d never had.  _

_ It didn’t take her genius brain too long at all to fill in the facts and realize that someone else was living here now, that her father had moved out without so much as informing her or her social worker. She felt tears spill down her face, in what would be the only time she’d cry in public until twenty two years later, after dropping her secret marriage bombshell, when she was on the verge of losing Toby, of losing her home yet again.  _

_ She didn’t know how long she’d been standing there, crying in front of what used to be her home but was now occupied by strangers, until she started to shake from exhaustion- both emotional and physical- and squatted down beside the gate until she could stop her tears. From some distance behind her, a large dog suddenly started barking, and the shock made her lose her balance and fall over, right into the bougainvilleas that lined the fence now. _

_ The thorns scratched every part of her skin that was exposed- her limbs, face, and even her lower back where her tee shirt had lifted up slightly as she fell. Any other seven year old would have immediately started bawling at the pain, but Happy could barely feel how her wounds stung, her mind and emotions too numb from what she’d just learnt to care about any physical pain. A car speeding down the road was what got her to finally get up and brush the thorns and leaves off herself, before accepting the facts and trudging back out to the main street to catch the bus that would take her back to the orphanage.  _

_ Getting back over three hours late and covered in scrapes and cuts subjected her to a severe scolding as the nurse on duty begrudgingly cleaned her wounds with a stinging antiseptic, everyone assuming she’d gotten into a fight in school and not bothering to ask for the real story from her before lashing out harshly. Happy let them without bothering to try and correct them as she knew nobody would believe her anyway, grateful for the physical pain from the cuts and antiseptic, to take her mind off the harsh truth she’d just started to come to terms with. _

_ Her father had moved from the only place she’d been certain she would find him, and she’d never be able to find him again now. _

“Until you.” Happy smiled up at Toby, but the expression on his face showed how he was in too much pain to respond with his usual joking yet smug ‘I saved the day again’ demeanor.

“Hap…” was all he could whisper after a while, his arm tightening around her, pulling her even closer to him as his fingers traced over the scars on her lower back that he had known by heart for months, though he only just learnt the story behind them. “Oh god.”

Happy offered him a small smile, leaning up to kiss his jaw, as her own hand reached behind her to gently lift his off of her back and interlace their fingers between them. “C’mon Doc, it wasn’t that bad. At least…” She trailed off, and he gazed down at her, equal parts curious and concerned. Taking a deep breath she continued, “At least these were just an accident on my part.” She cast her eyes down, staring at the familiar plaid pattern of his flannel sheets. “And not intentionally inflicted.”

“What?” He could barely breathe, and she smiled sadly, regretfully, still not making eye contact as she brought his hand up to rest against the thin cuts scarring her upper abdomen. 

_ Fall 2013 _

_ Happy walked past the guys in the front of the shop to Bobby's workspace in the back. She had spent the entire afternoon trading barbs with Collins while Walter descended further into the rabbit hole Mark led him down. There was only so much she could do that day and now it was her time. Her time to get what she needed and what she needed was Bobby.  _ _ Or rather, Bobby getting her off.  _

_ Pushing him up the stairs, the others catcalled only for Happy to flip them off and slam the door. A comment from him about her turning him on had her shush him as she shrugged off her leather jacket and pulled her tank top over her head.  _

_ “If I wanted to talk, I wouldn’t be here,” she told him, kissing him before she backed him more and more to his bed in the corner. When he stumbled back, she straddled him and shed the rest of her clothes while he had his shirt on the floor and kicked his jeans and boxers down under her.  _

_ Nothing about them was gentle. There was a constant pull for dominance during sex and where Bobby had the physical advantage being twice her size, Happy didn’t submit in any way, shape, or form. It was rough and hard, the both of them thinking how they wanted to get off and how the other one was their means to it.  _

_ It was their usual pace, little foreplay and Happy grabbing a condom from the box he kept near the bed. Tussling back and forth, she gained the upper hand and was back on top as they geared up for round two. Anger flashed across his fine features hidden under a thick layer of golden scruff and she smirked. But, Bobby surprised her when he reached to the nightstand and grabbed his knife,  _ _ without bothering to ask her if she wanted knifeplay that day _ _.  _

_ Rather than hold the dull edge up like usual, he had the sharpened side angled towards her and when she reached down his hand slipped and sliced across her lower abs. Crying out, the knife nicked her twice more before she pushed back and scrambled for her clothes.  _

_ Bobby sat up and his eyes were wide, fear mixed in with the anger still. But he didn’t make a move as Happy pulled her jeans on cursing him out. “What the fuck is wrong with you, you bastard?!”  _

_ “We’ve done this before-”  _

_ “Never actually cutting the other,” she hissed. “And I don’t remember giving you permission to use a knife on me tonight.”  _

_ “Fair play, Quinn.”  _

_ The anger radiating off of Happy had even Bobby cowed. He knew he overstepped and asked what she was going to do. She scoffed and told him nothing. “I’m going home and that’s that. If I hear one word of this from any shop, I’ll finish you.”  _

_ He assured her that wouldn’t happen and he’d keep his mouth shut. She snapped that’s the first smart thing he’s said and when he stood up, Happy told him to stay back.  _

_ What followed felt like a blur but she got home and cleaned the cuts before crashing for the night. In the morning, she woke up in just her underwear and dragged herself into the shower to clean up and redress her abdomen. Her phone showed a text from Walter asking if she were okay as she was usually in by this time, and a rare apology text from Bobby.  _

_ She texted Walter back that she’d need the day off and reminded Bobby that she wanted no further contact from him before blocking his number. Reminding herself to get a new phone number as well,  _ _ she hoped the team’s newest, and most annoying and obnoxious, addition wouldn’t needle her about it.  _

_ Grimacing as she wiped alcohol over the thin, open cuts, they burned and she knew they’d leave scars across her once flawless abdomen. That pissed her off, also that she’d lost Bobby’s shop as an avenue to obtain the rare motorcycle parts he’d been able to find with his contacts. But it was done, that tie was severed.  _

_ With Bobby, she allowed herself to think she was in control when there was no control with a man like him. They had fun, sure, but now in the sober light of day she thought on how this could have turned out much worse. It wasn’t that she cared for Bobby that upset her, but more the fact that she didn’t. The last time she cared for someone this much she got swept up and married him. That proved itself to be short lived despite the marriage license stating otherwise,  _ _ and she swore that she’d never let herself get caught up in that romance nonsense again. _

When Toby didn't respond for a long time after she finished speaking, Happy dared to tear her eyes away from the pattern of his sheets to look up at him again, only to be taken aback slightly by the intensity of his gaze as it scanned her face looking for the slightest sign that any of that story of was made up or her messing with him.

Their hands were still interlaced above the scars, and she squeezed his lightly to pull his attention back to her in that moment, not trusting her voice anymore. Toby blinked as the pressure on his hand made him look down for a second, before looking back up at the hesitant and almost fearful expression on her face. 

He knew she needed him to say something, to reassure her that this latest revelation didn't mean anything, didn't make her broken or used or damaged goods in his eyes, and  _ God _ was he desperate for her to know that, but this was one of the rare moments in his life where words failed him. 

_ This is all my fault _ , was what was drumming in his head. Toby remembered how, even without ever meeting Bobby, he had known that Happy being around that guy was bad news. It wasn't like she had been open about the relationship either, it had been like pulling teeth just to get the basic information that she'd met him at one of the workshops she used to moonlight at back when Scorpion was struggling, and that things had progressed too fast from there. 

He tried to tell her to be careful, to step away before things got too messy because everything about this guy screamed  _ danger _ to Toby. But of course this had to happen barely a few weeks after he walked in on Amy and that jerk, and Happy had lashed out at him that he of all people had no right to tell her how to choose her life and relationships.

_ I should have fought harder for her _ , he chided himself now,  _ I shouldn't have given up just because she snapped at me that one time _ . Too deep in his own guilt, he forgot how Happy could only see his features contorting into anger, and not his thought process behind it. 

Toby snapped back to the present when he felt her shift away from him, looking so small as she fought to stop tears from escaping. The realization that she took his expressions to mean he was angry and disgusted at  _ her  _ hit him like a freight train. 

“No.” He cupped her cheek with his other hand, shifting himself so he was pressed against her again. “God, Hap, no. It's not what you think at all.” Her gaze shifted back to the sheets, uncertainty and fear still plain as day on her face, and the only thing Toby could think of to do was to press the gentlest yet most meaningful of kisses to her lips.

When they pulled away, she was all but chewing on her bottom lip, glancing up at him through her lashes. “You’re mad…” She managed after a while, so soft that Toby barely heard her.

“Only that you had to go through that, Hap.” He smiled sadly at her as he pulled her even closer into him. “Why didn’t you tell me back then? I could’ve put in some stitches or-”

“You really think I’d have told you all this four years ago?” She dared to insert the slightest hint of playfulness into her tone, and Toby gave her a small grin as he admitted that never would’ve happened. 

“Thank you for telling me at least now.” He wasn't sure what to say and the part of his brain that let him speak without thinking blurted out how he wasn't into knifeplay. 

“That's off the table for me too. I don't want that…” 

“I- hey,” he was so sincere that she shifted her gaze back down, but he hooked a finger under her chin to get her to look back up at him, needing to have eye contact with her for what he was about to say next. “Happy, I know we’re still in a really messy place, but whatever happens between us, be it with this or anything in the future, I need you to know something. I will never hurt you, I promise.”

Happy tried to respond, but he shushed her slightly, asking her to please let him finish first. “I was too harsh on you that day after Rizzuto. I’ll never stop hating myself for lashing out at you like that, and I swear that I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure I never do something like that again. But even if, god forbid, we get into another verbal fight again, I swear to you I’m never going to lay a hand on you the wrong way. Even with everything going on between us now, please at least trust me on that?”

She could still only manage the smallest of smiles, but as she reached up to cup his face and run her thumb along his scruff, all Toby could see in her eyes were sincerity and love. “You don’t even need to ask, of course I trust you, Toby. I’ve always felt safe with you, much before I was willing to admit it to myself. Please stop hating yourself for that day, you know we both needed to get everything out that we’d been bottling in for so long. I know you’ll never hurt me, that… “ Her gaze flitted down before locking with his again, as she let out a nervous laugh. “That’s all me.”

The last thing Toby wanted in that moment was to spiral back into another fight, not after how open and vulnerable she had finally let herself be with him. Cupping her cheek again, he ran his thumb under her eye as an unspoken promise that they wouldn’t dissolve into that again that night. 

Instead, he furrowed his brow again, thinking back to the time around when she had gotten injured, and his eidetic memory brought back a small detail he had brushed aside but now was so much more significant. “Was… was that why you were a little off your game for a week or so around then?” He asked, remembering how for a few days she couldn’t carry out her usual actions like normal. She had even asked him to help her carry and hold stuff, something that was nearly unheard of in their early days of what could barely even be called friendship, where she was still so stubbornly independent and closed off.

“You remember that, huh?” A light blush painted her cheeks again, and Toby and said how he noticed and remembered everything about her. 

“I remember you snapping at me to fuck off when I asked you if you were okay, and you threw that spanner at me when I kept pressing it, yes.” He added a small smirk at the end so she wouldn’t take it the wrong way, but the guilt in her eyes told him she was already hating herself for it.

Happy looked down, flinching at his mention of how for years she hadn’t been thinking twice about hurting him. “Doc, I-”

Toby cut her off and said it was so long ago and it didn’t matter or affect in any way now. “As long as you’re okay?”

She nodded, telling him how the wound itself didn’t hurt much after the first day, and she was a little put off at it scarring but learned to see it as a reminder to never get into something again like she had with Bobby. “I kept them bandaged and it wasn’t a big deal. Honestly, my biggest concern was that you’d notice the bandages under my shirt.” He raised his eyebrows at that and she laughed a little, running her hand through his hair. “You’re too observant for your own good, Doc.”

“Of course I am,” Toby smirked proudly at that. “Harvard trained, remember? I’m the best of the best.”

Happy smiled gratefully at him trying to lighten the mood, before asking softly why he’s not judging her. Toby’s eyes widened at that, his expression softening into nothing but love.

“Why would you think I’d ever judge you, Hap?”

She shrugged, her gaze trained on the sheets again. “Honestly, the reason I was so hard on you back then was because I didn’t know how to process having someone who genuinely cared,” she admitted. “I didn’t want you to change what you thought of me then, and don’t want you to now.”

“Oh, lovebug,” it came out almost as a whisper, as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I always cared for you, so much. Though I didn’t realize just how much back then, I could’ve never judged you.” Taking a deep breath, he continued. “I’ve got a checkered past too, you know that all too well. I hope you won’t judge me for that, because I love you so much, Hap. And that means I love all of you, even the parts you don’t like yourself.”

“I would never judge you, Doc, not now,” she smiled. “I love all of you too, and I’m going to make sure you always know that, no matter what.”

Toby brushed her hair back away from her face, though through his small smile Happy could see more questions burning on the tip of his tongue. Pressing her lips together briefly to brace herself for whatever he might ask next, she gently nudged him to ask whatever he wanted to.

Squeezing her hand, Toby chewed the inside of his cheek as he tried to think of how best to phrase his question without potentially triggering an entirely different set of memories. “Did, uhm, did Dylan ever...” It was the first time Toby had said his name out loud, and he tried his best to rid the bitter aftertaste it left in his mouth so he could observe Happy’s reaction. 

Her eyes widened slightly at hearing Toby actually say Dylan’s name, but she shook her head profusely. “Never, he… he was too laid back to get angry. That’s something that drew me to him I guess, how he was always so calm even in chaos. ” She laughed a little, but stopped when she saw Toby’s jaw set again, though relief was also clearly evident on his face.

“So he never hurt you in any way?” 

“No, the only thing he did was not listen that I hated travelling so much-”

“Travelling?” Toby frowned, though it was out of confusion than anger, and Happy shrugged lightly as she told him how Dylan would try to go for every study abroad program he could throughout college.

“But then again it’s not like I ever talked about the important stuff. Can’t listen if there’s nothing to listen to.” She smiled small, guilty but also desperate to reassure Toby that Dylan had never been bad to her.

Her admission melted the walls Toby had put up again before asking about Dylan, and he pulled her closer as he kissed her head and said she’s come so far now. “I’m so honored to be the guy you chose to open up to.”

Happy’s smile widened when she heard that, leaning up to kiss him. He deepened it, wordlessly reaffirming their connection, despite the volatility their relationship was still facing, after all she’d just told him about her previous relationships that he’d hardly ever known about before.

As they pulled apart, Happy lightly traced patterns over Toby’s arm. “Your turn?” she asked, her tone playful but also conveying genuine curiosity and interest.

“Fair enough,” Toby laughed, shifting so they could see each other better. “Which one do you want to know about first, Hap?”

Happy looked down for a moment, intertwining her hand with Toby’s. “That case we had with Cabe’s friend and the Balio biological agent, you were telling me about stuff that happened to you. I wasn’t exactly listening back then, but…” She trailed off a little nervously, but Toby only nodded and smiled, albeit wryly, as he said she deserved to know.

“Well, most of the stuff that happened after I joined Scorpion you know.” He glanced at her and she nodded, the both of them remembering how she’d begrudgingly help him through the worst of his beatings through the years, when it was a miracle he was able to limp back to the garage at all. He smiled sadly at the memories, “You were always there for me, but you never let me help you.”

Happy simply shifted closer to hug him tight, saying there was no way she’d have admitted to needing help back then, especially from him, and he’s more than making up for it now. 

Hugging her back and tangling his fingers in her hair, Toby shut his eyes as his dark days that he’d tried so hard to keep behind him came flooding back to the present. “Honestly, the worst of it was when I was back east.”

“You remember how I told you I once slipped some dice into a craps game that may or may not have been loaded, and how these three fingers don’t bend the way they used to?” He fisted his left hand with the pinky up and held up the pinky and ring finger on his right hand, and while Happy wouldn’t have noticed it if he hadn’t said anything, now that she knew it was clear they weren’t quite normal. Gently holding his hand in hers, she rubbed her thumb over his knuckles as she asked what happened. 

Toby shrugged in the way that would seen nonchalant to an outsider, but Happy knew him well enough to know it was another of his defense mechanisms kicking in. “It was one of those holes in the wall that was crumbling down on itself, and I was stupid enough to push my luck on a night they were trying to patch up the place. Let’s just say there was a very convenient hammer lying around for those goons to use.”

Happy felt her blood run cold at what he was implying. “What?”

“Would’ve crushed them into smithereens if it weren't for my genius reaction time, but they broke them with their bare hands. And they almost nicked my brain stem with it throwing it at me as I got the hell outta there.”

“You said that was a story with a happy ending…” All the times she’d thrown one of her tools at him, especially the times they’ve actually made contact with their target, came rushing back to her, and Happy felt her stomach turn. Curling even closer into him, she whispered an apology into his chest though she knew words could never make up for all the times she’d hurt him in the past.

“What are you saying sorry for, love?” Toby seemed genuinely bemused at how hard she took his recounting of something he was over by now. “You didn’t even know I existed at the time, not to mention how you were at least across the country from me then.”

“I was violent, hardly any better than those guys,” she mumbled against him. 

Realizing now what had made her so upset, Toby tightened his grip around her. “Well even I can admit I was kinda… persistent at times,” he frowned a little when it didn’t seem to cheer her up. “It’s all good, Hap. Trust me, the things those guys would do, you’re like a kitten in comparison. Doesn’t mean I’m not terrified of you though.” He added with a smirk when she finally looked up, but she didn’t return it. 

“You said there were a million stories that ended up bad. What made you keep going back for more, when you’ve already been hurt so bad and knew it'd only be worse the next time?” She wasn’t angry at all, more confused and trying to understand what it had been like for Toby before she knew him. The thought of Toby hurt made her more upset than she’d ever felt in her life; her panic over his gambling came out as anger during that case with Cabe’s friend. Verbalizing that, she added how it was when she had realized she truly loved him. “I hate that it took me so long to say it out loud, Doc." 

That adoring smile he reserved just for her was on his face, Toby pressed a kiss to the top of her head as he told her he knew. “You only get mad about what someone is doing when you care about them, I know every single thing you said and did that day was out of love and concern.” 

Taking a deep breath, he continued. “But as for why I kept going back for more, that… that’s what addiction is, babe. When you want that fix, rationale and common sense become inconsequential.” Seeing her look up at him through her lashes, worry evident in her eyes, he kissed her softly. “But I don’t want that anymore, I only want stability with you.”

“You saved me, Hap. I can't thank you enough for finally giving me the reason I needed to leave it behind for good.” 

Happy smiled small, not quite knowing what to say, and so she settled for leaning up and pressing a kiss to his cheek. “All I want is you safe, Doc.” Snuggling back into him, she found herself tracing the clean, slightly curved scar that ran down and around his right ribcage. She always wanted to know what had happened there, but her prior unwillingness to open up herself made her keep quiet about it as she knew Toby would have reciprocated with questions of his own that she wasn’t ready to answer. “What happened here?”

_ August 2003 _

_ Toby snuck through the neighboring yard that was thankfully empty, glancing through the fence as he waited for Albino Pete and his right hand men to leave his house. But his sigh of relief turned into a light cursing when he saw Pete’s three year old run out to the garden and plop herself happily onto her tricycle. The very same tricycle Toby had been eyeing to get a few minutes alone with, just enough for him to sneak a glance at the latest betting slips he knew Pete kept hidden in the seat.  _

_ Even he knew it was suicidal to sneak into your bookie’s house to steal betting slips, but 22-year-old Tobias M. Curtis was the definition of desperation. His scholarships and awards meant he thankfully had very little student loans to pay back, but between his gambling and the fact that nobody wanted to trust a kid with their personal problems, his psychiatry practice was struggling, to put it kindly, and so was he. _

_ Casually slipping out the neighbors back gate and in through Pete’s, he walked up to the little girl like he’d known her since she was born. “Hey kiddo,” he greeted, mentally running through all the pediatric psych classes he’d sat through to think of how best to earn her trust ASAP. _

_ “Who are you?” The kid was smart, clearly she was used to strange men walking into her house on a daily basis, but it didn’t mean she just went along with any of them.  _

_ “I’m a friend of your dad’s,” Toby smiled brightly, nodding when she informed him her dad had just gone out. “I see, how about we share some of the chocolate I bought while we wait for him, hmm?” He opened the wrapper and ate a piece himself, to convince the kid it was safe. It seemed to work, and the girl peddled over to him. _

_ “That’s a really pretty tricycle you have there,” Toby commented, and she perked up as she started babbling about when she’d gotten it and all the character stickers she had pasted on it, but annoyingly remained firmly seated. “It looks a bit small for you though,” he tried again, and she nodded. _

_ “Daddy says I’m a big girl now, I’m going to get a big girl bike soon.” _

_ Seeing an opportunity there, Toby asked if she wanted his help adjusting the seat higher so it would be more comfortable for her. Thinking it over for a bit, she nodded again and finally got off the tricycle. Toby shuffled forward, finally within reach of the seat when- _

_ “You!”  _

_ Toby felt his heart plummet,  _ I’m a dead man.

_ “What do you think you’re doing?” _

_ “He was helping me fix my bike, daddy,” the little girl ran into her father’s arms, who put up a show of an excited reply for her sake, before urging her to go back inside to her mother.  _

_ Toby’s eyes darted around the small backyard for any escape, but knew it was pointless when one of Pete’s muscle men slammed him against the fence and held him there.  _

_ “What the hell were you doing around my daughter?” Pete suddenly got very red in the face, and Toby swallowed heavily. _

_ “N… nothing. I wasn’t going to hurt her, I- I just wanted to-” _

_ “What?” _

_ “See your betting slips so I’d know which horse has the better odds for this weekend’s race?” His pitch rose at the end, making it come out as a question, and despite his rage Pete wouldn’t keep the surprise out of his face.  _

_ “It’s obvious that’s where you keep the bets,” Toby fell back into his rambling. “You write all your bets on those little candy wrappers- and look, there’s one peeking out of the seat right now. Not to mention how your face right now is screaming- argh!” Toby was cut off with a heavy fist making swift and painful contact with his left cheekbone. _

_ “What’s your face screaming now, you little bitch?” Pete wasn’t even looking at him as he shook out his hand and nodded to his men.  _

_ Toby knew it was wordless instructions to load him into the trunk of his heavily tinted sedan. He also knew what happened to the guys who got loaded into the trunk before him and his struggling was futile as they tied his hands behind his back before shoving him in.  _

_ Mentally calculating where they were headed based on the estimated speed and how long they’d travel before changing direction, Toby felt the sinking feeling in his stomach grow with each turn. When the trunk lifted up, he saw they pulled up under an abandoned bridge underpass, almost stereotypically full of graffiti and litter everywhere.  _ And the red splashed on the far pillar didn’t look like spray paint _ , his mind taunted him.  _

_ They yanked him out and threw him to the ground, leaving him tied as the one goon grabbed the tire iron also in the trunk. Toby knew that any attempt to talk or plead his way out of this would be useless, but that didn’t make him stop trying. He was on his feet and cried out, “Look man, I’m sorry. I- ah!”  _

_ A baseball bat from the other man landed across his stomach and had him on his knees. After that it was easy pickings for Pete’s men as they kicked and beat him till, in his  _ expert medical opinion, _ Toby felt like his insides were being turned into mush. The feel of the tire iron delivering the last blow to his side elicited a scream and the most intense pain Toby ever felt spread throughout his body as the men kicked him one last time for good measure before untying his hands and getting back in the sedan to drive off.  _

“I blacked out and the next thing I knew, I woke up alone and covered in more blood than during my general surgery rotation when one of the other interns nicked the patient’s inferior profunda artery.” Toby tried to lighten the mood with another of his overly technical medical jokes, but the sheer horror on Happy’s face didn’t recede one bit. 

“I managed to crawl out to the street and some nice old lady called 911 for me. My ribs were so crushed they had to operate to clear out the shattered fragments and put in vertical bridging to help it heal. And that’s how I got this.” He pointed to the scar far too casually.

Speechless, Happy rubbed over the scar and pressed more into him, and he understood her wordless request to know more. 

“It wasn’t pretty, but one of my former classmates happened to be working there and he got me an extended stay, not to mention I charmed the nurses so well they didn’t want to let me go,” he winked, but Happy seemed almost frozen in her shock. Rubbing her back to soothe her, Toby added how he had to go for PT but had pushed himself to get back to how he was before. 

“And you know me, Hap. I got myself out AMA the moment I could. Though technically it was very much following medical advice.  _ My _ medical advice. Which is a hell of a lot better than those physiotherapists and their lesser degrees, thank you very much.”

Happy finally looked back up at him, though it was like she hadn’t even heard his usual elitist prattling. Leaning across him to press a kiss to the middle of the scar, she asked quietly if it was very bad. 

Shrugging, Toby said it was quite possibly the worst he’s had, but he’d gotten used to pain since he was young.

“What do you mean by that, Doc?” Happy was practically draping herself over him now, wanting to be as close to him as she could. 

Giving her a wry smile, Toby mumbled how the worst of his mother’s episodes had made him more than used to impromptu abuse and pain.

_ March 1994  _

_ High school was notorious for being a rough time for most people. Especially those labelled as ‘nerds’ by their peers, and particularly especially for one who also happens to be about a decade younger than all his schoolmates. But as he gingerly pushed open the front door of his house, precariously balancing all his books in his skinny arms- he’d learnt the hard way that it was better to lug everything to school and back daily, than risk the bullies breaking into his locker and stealing everything again- Toby knew that home would provide little, if any sanctuary, from the nightmare of school. And that was if his mother was in a good mood. _

_ She loved him, he knew she did and he had no doubt about that, but that didn’t stop him from walking on eggshells around her even on her best days as the slightest of things could set her off on another episode. And in the same vein he knew his father loved the two of them too, but he was so passive that he’d rather get out of the way and hide in an underground gambling den than have to handle his unstable wife and brilliant but troubled son. _

_ “Tobias?” He cautiously looked inside as he heard his mother’s voice, though from her tone he could tell that this was one of her better days. “I’m in the kitchen, Tobias.” _

_ Wincing at his mother’s excessive use of his full first name, he shouted back that he’ll be there soon before heading to his room to dump his school materials. It wasn’t that he hated the name in its objective self, just the familial significance of it. He was named after his maternal grandfather, whom his mother had loved dearly. Then one day she had gone to visit him when Toby was barely a toddler, only to find him dead in a drying pool of his own blood, the victim of a home burglary gone horribly wrong. _

_ That had been the trigger for her becoming bipolar, all the psychiatrists his mother had been referred to at the early stages of her disorder had said, albeit in hushed tones as they pitifully eyed the three year old in the room. Ignoring the ‘age-appropriate” toys provided by their overly-sympathetic assistants, Toby had instead turned to leafing through the numerous pamphlets always strewn around. _

_ The doctors, and his own parents even, assumed that he was only looking through them as he was intrigued by the colorful fonts and pictures, and nobody realized that he was actually taking in all the information in them. It would be a few more years before he was old enough to slip out to the local library on his own to research more about what he’d learnt, but whatever information that wasn’t burned into his memory had been painstakingly jotted down in notebooks that only got more full as time passed.  _

_ Heading over to the kitchen, Toby couldn’t help the smile growing on his face as he caught a whiff of a cake baking in the oven. His mother had been an amazing chef- she still was, really, only the times he’d come home to her having prepared something for him were getting fewer and further in between as her disorder advanced. Sitting him down on at the table, she asked him about his day. Leaving out all the social problems he was facing, Toby focused solely on his academics and how he was topping every one of his classes, and his mother smiled throughout despite her not quite catching on to everything he was saying.  _

_ He was unable to believe it, Toby could count on one hand the number of days his mother had been this lucid and attentive in the past year, and this was looking to be the best one yet. Until the oven dinged to indicate the cake was ready. _

_ Or at least it was supposed to be ready, but when his mother pulled it out, it was still as flat as it had been when she had put it in. Toby’s eyes fell on the packet of yeast, still unopened as it lay against the side of the mixing bowl, and he quickly averted them before his mother followed his gaze to it. It didn’t matter though, his mother didn't need to know why the cake hadn't risen, just seeing her failed attempt alone was a trigger enough to set her off again.  _

_ She slammed the tray against the floor, cake mixture splattering everywhere. “I’m such a  _ failure _.” _

_ “No mom, you’re not. It’s okay, we can-” Toby tried to calm her down, but she wasn’t hearing him as she gripped the edge of the table, and he could see her dissolving into another episode. _

_ Every article and report he’d read on how to help his mother jumped to the front of his mind, but none of that helped as she raised her hand to slap him away when he tried to go near her. _

_ “Mom, please, let me-” _

_ “Shut  _ up _ , Tobias!” She screamed, grabbing the nearest object to her- a porcelain vase sitting in the center of the table- and throwing it at him as he instinctively raised his arms to protect himself. The shattering of the vase seemed to rouse his mother out of her episode somewhat, though it was only enough to get her out of the kitchen and into bed, and not to realize what she had done to her son. _

_ Toby didn’t feel the sharp stinging in his arm until he was back in his room, after cleaning up the kitchen and making sure his mother took her meds and was sleeping safely in her room. Looking down, he saw his thin jacket torn and stained with blood steadily emanating from just under his elbow, from where a shard from the vase still sticking out.  _ One good thing about being bullied everyday- you learn to patch yourself up without an adult ever having to know anything, _ he mused halfheartedly to himself, using his sad humor to mask the pain as he pulled the shard out and cleaned his wound. _

“It’s not her fault,” Toby added quickly before Happy could respond,  saying how Pete hurt him purposely and his mom was too far gone to not realize how she was hurting him. 

“I don’t blame her at all for that, or anything else she did. She lost all control during her episodes, to the point that it wasn’t even her who was doing it, you know? Though it… it was what really spurred me on to do everything in my power to try and help her. Like that worked.” He muttered the last bit sadly, and Happy had no idea what she could do or say besides gently squeezing his hand in silent support.

It was moments like this that Happy would think she’d gotten a somewhat better deal than Toby, or the other kids she’d met in group homes who had been taken away from their abusive parents by CPS. No doubt her life would have likely been so much better if her mother had lived, but in her being dead at least all the  _ what if _ scenarios she’d daydreamed about had been loving and happy. Good make-beliefs were better than real nightmares, right?

“I had no idea…” She finally managed, and truth be told, she really didn’t. The first time Toby had really opened up about his past instead of ending it with a punchline had been in Bosnia, but after that, even after all he’d done to ensure that she and her father were able to rekindle their relationship, his story had never come up again.

Toby gave her a tight-lipped smile and shrugged as if to brush it all off, and Happy felt such a pang of guilt course through her at how bad she was at comforting him despite all he’s done for her, that he pretty much had to comfort himself. 

Burying her face into his chest, she apologized again for all the times she’d hurt him purposely. “I know how cruel I was at times to you, but that's in the past. I only want to be good to you now, good for you. We can do that, right?”

Hugging her tight, Toby hooked a finger under her chin so he could press a loving kiss to her lips. “Of course we can, my love, I have every faith in you. In fact, it was the worst moments of my life than led me to the best people I never thought I’d be lucky enough to meet.”

“You mean when Walt saved your ass in Atlantic City?” She smirked, and he winked at her.

“Walt doesn’t exactly fall into my definition of  _ best _ people,” he winked at her. “But since he led me to meeting you two days later, I guess it counts. But don’t tell him that, he’s enough of an egomaniac as is. Though, I wasn’t just talking about the team…”

_ November 1997  _

_ Winter rush was in full swing, and although Toby was already in his second year of medical school, he was still younger than even most of the undergraduate freshmen. And, as always, desperate to try and fit in and make friends closer to his age. The cheers of excitement and pulsing music could be heard from a fair distance away, though the actual happenings were hidden by the high walls surrounding the frat house. Slipping out and walking to where the houses were a short distance outside of campus proper, Toby found himself ducking behind the nearest car or pole to avoid being seen by all the older kids streaming in and out of their respective houses. _

_ He knew there was no way he’d be able to just walk up to the front door and blend in, and he found himself scouting the frat house during the early morning to find his best way in. There was a brick wall to the side of the property covered in vines. Logically he knew they wouldn’t hold his weight but to his desperate adolescent mind he ignored rationality.  _

_ When the party was in full swing, he made his move. Dressed in black jeans and a hoodie with his best gamer t-shirt underneath he made a running jump for the vines. Only a few feet from the top the vines snapped from his weight and he fell. And to make matters worse, his fall was broken by sharp, decorative rocks he didn’t take into account earlier. His yelp drew the attention of party-goers outside and he soon saw several students standing over him as he scrambled to stand while clutching his bloody arm.  _

_ What happened next was even worse.  _

_ “Do you have any idea how much trouble you’re in?” Toby winced as they ushered him into the Dean’s Office to be met by his professor’s sharp tone. “Trying to trespass onto private property? Really?” _

_ “Prof-” He tried to explain himself, but was swiftly cut off by the Dean.  _

_ “You’re lucky Sigma Alpha Epsilon isn’t pressing charges, or you just might have finished your degree at a very different institution than the one you’re so fortunate be in right now.” _

_ Toby felt his blood grow cold at that- not about the legal repercussion, he had developed enough aversion to authority over the years that it didn’t mean much to him, but the other part. “They… they know? You told them?” _

_ “ _ _ They told us, Mr. Curtis. After all, it was their property you were found on. You’re lucky they chose not to press charges. _ _ ” The Dean stared down at him, and Toby found himself wishing he could just disappear into his chair. Any potential academic, or even legal, repercussion he could’ve handled without much issue- thanks to his well-established disdain of authority- but the fact that his pathetic attempt to fit in with the older kids had gone public… it was a social death sentence, and Toby knew it. _

_ And he was right, too. As if he didn't already stand out enough among his schoolmates, this latest attempt on his part to be accepted and included all but made him a pariah. Even some of his classmates who had respected him in a way- using him and his intelligence, really, but as long as they were civil to him Toby found himself brushing off the ulterior motives behind their fake camaraderie- were taking measures to avoid him now, to avoid being labeled as someone who hung out with the biggest loser kid on campus. _

_ And to make things worse,  _ _ some _ _ of his professors now seemed to want little to do with him. Ironically enough, the only one still on his side was the one who had been in the Dean’s Office the day he was reprimanded (“I believe in tough love, Mr. Curtis, but I also believe in moving on from mistakes. So as long as you’ve learnt your lesson and promise to never pull a stunt like this again, I’ll let you be.”) The professors’ offices that used to be safe havens where he could hide out while also having healthy debates with them  _ _ weren’t the same for him now and he  _ _ forced  _ _ himself  _ _ to spend pretty much all his time in only either the classrooms or his (thankfully single) dorm room. _

_ - _

_ “Hey,” Toby didn’t dare to look up at who had moved to sit next to him just before epidemiology class started, instead watching from the corner of his eye as whoever it was slid his favorite chocolate bar over his desk. “I’ve seen you eat these a few times, figured some comfort food wouldn't hurt.” _

_ “If you’re here to laugh at me too, get in line.” Toby mumbled, still keeping his head down, until the person beside him responded with a genuine “I wouldn’t do that.” _

_ Looking up slowly in case this was all part of an elaborate ruse, Toby was surprised to see one of his older classmates smiling down at him with sincere concern. “You sure about that?” he asked, still cautious. _

_ His classmate nodded, leaning back in his chair as he studied Toby more carefully. “I have a kid brother back home who’s around your age, you remind me a lot of him.” _

_ “I hope for his sake he’s not nearly as much of a loser as I am,” Toby muttered, pulling at the hem of his jacket as he looked down. _

_ “He’s not a loser, and neither are you.” The older boy rested a warm hand on Toby’s shoulder, the first caring touch he’d received since his mother’s last lucid moment a few days before him leaving for school the previous summer. “Everyone wants to be accepted by their peers, it’s only natural. It just sucks that you need to resort to more… unconventional methods, since your classmates and peers don’t exactly correlate in age.” _

_ Toby scoffed, not to be ungrateful but to show how what he’d just heard wasn’t exactly news to him. “I’m going to specialize in psychiatry and I’ve already read a lot about how things work in the field, so no offense but your pep talks aren’t going to help much.” _

_ “You’re going to specialize in psych, eh?” His companion cheered up considerably, and Toby looked up at him with a tinge of skepticism, ready to defend his position if he had to, but he didn’t. _

_ “Well then, it’s safe to say you’re going to be stuck with me for a long time, because I am too.” He extended his hand out to his younger classmate. “I’m Rory.” _

“So that’s how you met him, huh?” Happy asked with a small smile, feeling eternally grateful to Rory for having Toby’s back since twenty years ago.

Toby nodded, smiling himself. “The irony of how it took me failing to fit it with my peers, for me to meet one of my best friends.” He saw Happy good-naturedly raise an eyebrow, and chuckled as he pulled her closer.

“And by that I mean he’s on the same level as Sly and the rest. Because you, my dear, you are on a class all your own. Not to mention how you’re the only one I love.”

“Good,” Happy smirked as she reached up to kiss his jaw, grateful that the conversation had lifted somewhat from the sombering tone that it had been till then. “And you’re the only one I love too.” She added, taking every opportunity she had these days to remind Toby how he was the most important person to her, and that he means more to her than anyone else- especially Dylan- ever had. 

“Good,” Toby repeated, matching her expression and they both chuckled as he pulled her closer to him. “You know, the only reason they didn’t expel me or put it on my academic record was because I’m too talented, and blacklisting my records would have been a loss to the school.”

“I swear, they said it to my face.” He added as he took in Happy’s playfully skeptical look.

“Please don’t tell me that’s what made you have such a huge ego,” She teased.

“A  _ healthy _ ego,” Toby laughed, nipping playfully at her chin as he told her how what she knows now is a much toned down version compared to when he just graduated medical school. Happy all but snorted in response and snaked an arm behind him to play with his curls, before she felt the mood become more solemn again.

“Very different circumstances, but you need to know that that’s what I’m trying so hard to do with us too, Hap.” He murmured, tracing patterns down her side as he felt her tense upon hearing his words.

Biting her inner cheek, Happy held back from looking at him for a few moments more, wanting to stay in the bubble they’d just created without risking things spiraling into a fight yet again. “You going to give me a chocolate bar?” She asked with the slightest smile daring to show itself on her face, trying to alleviate the tension that had started building up again.

“If you want one, I will.” Toby let out a small chuckle as he gently nudged her to make eye contact with him. “But what I meant to get at was the whole moving on from mistakes part. Neither of us were faultless these past few months, and there are still things we need to work out, but I want nothing more than to move on from all this. And hopefully to never have something like this tear us apart ever again.”

“Nothing will.” Happy promised, her voice resolute and determined. “I was scared, and wrong, but I learned from my mistakes and I want more than to make every day better for us, Doc.”

“Ditto. I give you my word, Hap.” He leaned down to kiss her gently but deeply, pulling back with a smirk playing across his lips. “You know how you complain I’m messy sometimes?”

Confused, but grateful for the turn back to light and jovial, Happy raised a skeptical eyebrow. “More like  _ all _ the time, but yeah?”

“If you think this is bad, you should’ve seen my room during my self-exile days. All my brilliant plan achieved was to get me into an even bigger mess than I was already in- figuratively  _ and _ literally.”

“We’re  _ both _ such messes,” Happy breathed a small laugh as her fingers tangled in his short curls, and he chuckled.

"We've got our baggage, but I’ll always be here to unpack it with you. This is real and true and neither of us are going anywhere."

His words so were simple yet sincere that she felt herself blush even as she fought against her instincts to keep looking at him in such an emotional moment. She smiled as she shifted slightly to lay against him. “It feels so good to finally be able to tell someone things I’ve hardly even admitted to myself. Thanks for pulling me out from behind my walls, Doc.”

Toby pulled her tighter against him in a crushing hug at hearing those words, knowing how much it meant that she had chosen him to be the one she opened her heart to even when their relationship still wasn’t back to smooth sailing. “You’re my everything, and I’m never giving up on you or us. These last few months have been trying but know that I will always love you. And I know now more than ever that I can't be without you.”

Happy was so overcome with emotion at not just what he’d just said, but everything that had just happened. She hadn’t been exaggerating when she told him that some of the things she’d told him she had forced herself to forget until then, or at least forget as much as a person with as sharp an eidetic memory as hers is could. She forced herself to be strong for so long now that it seemed almost impossible that there was someone with whom she could be vulnerable in front of, who would truly never judge or leave no matter what. 

She couldn’t find the words to reply to him immediately, so she settled for snuggling further into his chest, safe in the knowledge that he would understand what she was trying to convey until she could actually do it herself. And he did, gently stroking her hair in a way that showed his silent support without pressuring her into saying anything till she was absolutely sure of herself, as his other arm wrapped around her side and back to keep her so close against him.

“I get it now, you know?” Happy eventually spoke up after a few minutes of silence and just holding each other. “I… I’ve got it for some time now. I just… there wasn’t really a time to tell you after…”

Toby shifted slightly so he could look at her as she kept her head on his chest. “Hmm?”

“What you said to me that day, when the team found out about us and we had that case in Arizona with the drug dealers, and I got pissed at you about the tracking software in my phone.”

“Still sorry ‘bout that.” Toby smiled sheepishly, but Happy shook her head against him.

“You told me that day how scared you were when you were without me, and that I wouldn’t get it because it was all new to me, but I do. I do get it, Toby.” She reached across him for his hand, drawing circles on his palm with her thumb as she continued before he could respond.

“Not immediately, I’ll admit. But when…” Happy trailed off, subconsciously brushing her fingers across Toby’s forehead, where  _ he _ had tied the rope to force him to look up at the acid seconds away from pouring onto him, before intertwining their hands again. “When we couldn’t find you- when we  _ wouldn’t _ have found you if it weren’t for Sly… when the reason we had no idea where you were was because  _ I _ made Walt cloak everyone’s GPS-”

“Hey, hey.” Toby heard the tears steadily thickening her voice, and was quick to comfort her. “You  _ did _ find me. You  _ saved _ me, Hap. And that’s the only reason why we can be here right now in each other’s arms.”

At that, Happy looked up at him. Smiling despite the tears shining in her eyes and threatening to fall, she shifted up slightly to bury her face in the crook of his neck. “I got it. That day, and every day since. I’m terrified when you’re not there with me, Toby. And especially after I ruined us, because there’s so much I want to do with you, and we’ve still only had such little time together-”

“We’ll get there.” Toby promised, cutting off her tear-filled tangent. “You didn’t ruin us, Hap, we’re going to get there. Everything we want to do, we will.” He paused for a beat, they both knew what they both wanted the most, the one thing they just couldn’t have yet. “I can’t say that it won’t take a little longer ‘cos of… all this. But everything we want, we’ll get eventually. You’re not getting rid of me so soon.”

Happy found herself matching Toby’s grin at the last bit, but her expression turned serious again as she locked eyes with him. “I’m all in with us, Toby. It might be newer to me than it is to you, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less. I’m in just as deep as you are, you need to know that. I love you, Doc.”

Toby could only kiss her as she finished speaking, practically bursting with love and adoration for her, despite the slightly volatile atmosphere that their relationship was still in. “I love you too, Hap. So much. Thank you for opening up about all this.”

“I should really get more into talking, huh?” Happy offered a shy smile, and he grinned at her in response.

“Yeah. This was a great start, by the way.”

Her smile grew as she reached up to kiss him again, moaning as he deepened it the way he knew she liked. Still keeping their lips together, she managed to maneuver herself so that she was straddling him again. Pulling back ever so slightly, their matching smirks revealed how they both had the same idea in mind. 

“Seal the conversation with a kiss?” Toby’s eyes were twinkling playfully as he looked up at her, hands rubbing up and down her sides.

“Oh please.” Happy scoffed, removing his hands from her waist and pressing them onto the mattress on either side of his head, as she leaned in again. “We both know I’ll do a lot more than just kiss you.”

He smirked and squeezed her hands she pinned his down with. “You can do whatever you want to me, honey bear.” 

Happy circled her hips and felt him get hard as she leaned down to kiss his neck. 

With condom in hand from the nightstand, it was between his teeth when the phone rang. “Don’t get it.” His words were muffled but the whine was evident and Happy reached for the phone anyway. 

“Cabe texted, we’re needed at the garage in an hour.” She sighed heavily, but still shifted off him to start getting ready.

“I just need five minutes.” He sat up and couldn’t reach her before she was off the bed. “Three minutes is all I need, two and a half!” 

Happy shook her head and said if he got that cute ass of his out of bed and into the shower she was sure they’d find something to do about that. 

With that proposition, he was hot on her heels. 

* * *

“You really want to go back to that quack?” Toby sighed and leaned back against the counter watching Happy lace up her boots.

“He's not a genius, Doc, but he's helped push us to where we had to be.” 

He remained skeptical as Happy made her way to him and wrapped her arms around him, her hands sliding into his back pockets. “Besides, we’re still signed up for three more sessions thanks to Paige that I want us to see through.” She leaned up and kissed under his ear. “Don’t you want another chance to dig at his degrees?” 

Toby’s lips curved up at that and she laughed softly, knowing she’d be able to appeal to his pompous side more than his rational side when it came to ‘Doctor’ Cecil Rizutto. 

“This is on you,” he reminded her as he kissed her forehead. “I’d complain more but I don’t want to piss you off and risk losing out on a continuation of our sexy times from this morning when this damn session is over.” 

There was a glint in her eyes as he reached for his keys and she separated from him. “Well, Doc, we have to make through the session to get to the after . And if you behave, I’ll more than make it worth your while.” 

She started for the door before he could respond, and he caught her around the waist as the elevator doors opened. However,  when they got to Rizzuto’s, Toby  felt the mood change. The light playfulness from that morning was gone, and Happy, while not pushing him away or snapping at him, was noticeably more solemn as they waited for Rizzuto to finish tending to his beloved bonsais.

Reaching over to hold her hand, he felt relief wash over him when she didn’t resist the action. “What’s wrong?” He asked softly. “What did I do?”

She gave him a small smile as she shook her head, though it soon turned into a confused frown as her gaze locked over his shoulder. Following her line of sight, Toby raised an eyebrow at Rizzuto whispering something undecipherable to his plants. 

“At this rate,  _ I’ll _ be the one giving _ him  _ therapy,” Toby muttered, and Happy barely stifled a laugh as Rizzuto came up to them.

“I make it a point to talk to my plants twice daily, the familiarity of their native tongue comforts them.”

“I know Japanese, that was not Japanese.” Happy narrowed her eyes, but he waved her off. 

“Then your teacher was clearly incompetent.”

“Takes one to know one,” Toby shot back, but Rizzuto ignored him as well as he placed the nuttin’ button on the table and sat down opposite them. 

Smiling approvingly at their hands still interlaced, Rizzuto commented how they were continuing their upward trend since that day of the explosive session. “You two seem to be taking my advice.”

Feeling Toby about to snark the internet shrink again, Happy cut in first. “We’re taking it step by step,” she smiled up at Toby. “But it is working.”

“Yeah,” all the snark Toby had planned for Rizzuto vanished as he looked at Happy, how her eyes were shining with hope. “We’re not at that point of absolution yet, but we’re getting there. And we will get there.”

“And yet I’m sensing a slight… disappointment on your part, Miss Quinn?” Rizzuto’s observation was surprisingly astute, and Happy felt Toby tense beside her. Panicking, the last thing she wanted was for this session to erupt as well, she turned to face him fully.

“It’s nothing like that, Doc, I swear.” He didn’t say anything, instead staring at her intently as he waited for her to elaborate. “I… you’ve told me about everything you’re doing with Rory and at the shelter and, and I trust you, you know that.”

“But?” He prompted, his eyes already hardening in the way she hated, and she took a deep breath.  With everything he had on his plate, Happy retreating or pulling away was the last thing he needed or wanted. 

“I can’t help feeling there’s something you’re still hiding from me.” She saw him open his mouth to respond, and continued before he could, the last thing she could bear right now was for him to turn snide again. “You don't  spend nights as often as you used to. Like two weeks ago after the Homeland 5K, when we woke up you said you had something on at the shelter and didn’t even stay for dinner-”

“I  _ did _ go to the shelter, if that’s what you’re asking.” His reply was curt, and she could all but see him raising his guard again.

Happy sighed and took a deep breath to ground herself before continuing.  “I know you did, I do trust you,” she was quick to reassure him. “You’re free to do whatever you want, I’m not trying to control you or keep tabs on you, but I… I wish you’d let me in more. And I know that’s rich coming from me, but you know I’m trying to change. I just don’t know what to do, Doc. I don’t know what else I can do to make you trust me again.”

Shutting his eyes briefly, Toby shifted closer so he could wrap an arm around her shoulders and pull her to him. “I trust you, love, you know I trust you with my life.” He pressed a kiss into her hair. “But it’s not an overnight fix with these things.” He watched as her face crumpled and she bowed her head. “I’m not even talking about what you probably think I am.”

She looked up at that, tilting her head in confusion, and he gave a wry smile as he played with the ends of her hair. 

“You’re right, Hap, there are some… other things, that I haven’t told you about yet. But please know that I’m only keeping them to myself as you already have so much on your plate. I don’t want to burden you any more than you already are.”

“What are you talking about?” It almost came out as a whisper, and he looked down as he squeezed their intertwined hands.

Exhaling slowly , he started finally telling her about his other demons that had been plaguing him since  _ that night _ . “You remember the case we had weeks back with the bomber, and what happened to me in that warehouse?”

“You mean when you flashed back to…” Happy couldn’t even finish her sentence, it made her sick to remember that day and what had led up to that, and he nodded.

“It, uhm, it wasn’t the first time.” He shrugged as she snapped her shocked gaze to him. “And it certainly wasn’t the last.”

“What?” She breathed, unable to imagine what he must have been going through, as Paige’s words from a few weeks earlier rang in her head.  _ I don’t know what it is exactly, but I’ve noticed that Toby’s become even worse for wear in recent weeks. And that’s saying a lot. _ What did it say about her as his girlfriend that  _ Paige _ had noticed much before her?

Toby shrugged again, almost grateful when Rizzuto interrupted to ask what these other things were. “Did Paige include somewhere in her notes about my little, uh, run in with our former teammate in April?” Toby answered Rizzuto’s question with a question, and Happy didn’t need either of their training to know he was deflecting the issue.

“You mean when Mark Collins kidnapped and almost killed you, following your testimony against him that morning?” Rizzuto turned uncharacteristically serious and to the point. Happy winced at the harsh reminder, but Toby simply settled back into the couch.

“To- _ ma _ y-to, to- _ mah _ -to.”

“Tobias…”

“What, you prefer po- _ tay _ -to po- _ tah _ -to? Personally I find them a little too starchy for- ”

Happy felt her heart break at how his defense mechanisms were clearly flaring up again. “Toby, please- ”

“ _ Yes _ , okay?” Toby finally exploded. It wasn’t the rage of the previous session, but it was clearly something pent up that had been building inside him and finally exploded, making Happy jump. “Yes, it  _ was _ when that psychopath kidnapped me, and when he taunted me for hours while I was tied to that stupid chair, and when he led the team on a wild goose chase so he could finish building his stupid floss trap and set up the stupid acid jar above my head, and it  _ was _ when he almost killed me in front of the entire team.”

“But it definitely was  _ not _ something that happened just because of that stupid testimony. Mark Collins had probably been wanting to kill me for years before he finally got the chance.”

Rizzuto could only stare at him, jaw hanging open as he processed everything he had just heard, and in the meantime it was Happy’s soft hand on his forearm that barely brought Toby back to the present. Panting, from both his explosion as well as all those memories, nightmares, flooding back into him, Toby’s eyes were wild as they struggled to stay locked with Happy’s now tear-filled ones. 

Cautiously lifting her other hand to rest on his cheek, Happy forced his gaze onto hers as her thumb soothingly rubbed back and forth against his scruff. When he finally got some sense of sanity back, Toby gratefully reached up to hold her hand cupping his cheek, pressing a soft kiss to her palm before interlacing their fingers once again.

“This… this is why I don’t want to stay over, Hap,” he whispered after a few more moments. “I don’t want to do this in front of you, you don’t need to see any of this.”

Happy swallowed heavily, feeling more tears build behind her eyes at just  _ how much _ Toby was going through, and she shifted to hold his other hand in hers as well. “I’m tough, Doc, I can handle it.”

“I know you are, love,” he smiled with just one corner of his mouth turning up. “I just don’t want you to have to.”

“What happened to us being a team, Toby?” Her using his words, and his first name, had him look straight at her. “I want to share your burden rather than see you fight it alone.”

He looked away again, shaking his head barely perceptibly. “It’s not pretty, Hap. I wake up screaming and flailing and, and I can’t bear the thought that I might hurt you.”

“You won’t,” it came out as her pleading with him. “It’ll hurt me more to know what you’re going through and not be there to help you. I’d rather be there to comfort you through it all than know you’re alone halfway across the city when you don’t have to be.”

“Please let me fight this with you, Toby. Let me help you like you’ve helped me so many times before.” She cupped his face again to get him to look at her. “Trust me, Doc?”

“With everything I am, Happy,” he replied, squeezing her hands. They barely registered Rizzuto sniffle beside them, but neither bothered to spare him more than a side glance. “If you’re sure you want to deal with this, then I’ll let you.”

“Good.” A small but comforting smile played on her face as she reached up to kiss his cheek. “Because I hate sleeping alone when you could be next to me keeping me warm.” The look they shared showed how they both knew it meant more than just what was on the surface, going back all the way to Antarctica and the first time he said out loud how he’d be willing to die to save her. And now it was her turn to reciprocate that.

Toby couldn’t help the smirk tugging at his lips as he leaned over to kiss her forehead, and told her if she doesn’t like sleeping alone then she never will again as long as he could help it. 

“This is such great progress, you two,” the sniffle was still audible in Rizzuto’s voice as he finally spoke up again. Happy and Toby looked over to him then, amused at how emotional he had gotten, and he dabbed his eyes as he said he was not embarrassed of crying in public. “And Tobias, if you don’t mind, could you let us hear a little more about what exactly you’re dealing with so we can unpack it?”

Toby’s spark was returning to him, and he rolled his eyes good naturedly as he teased Rizzuto he wasn’t qualified for PTSD counselling by a long shot. “I have a great fellow Harvard Med graduate helping me. He’s not as good as me of course, but at least his degree is solid.”

“I  _ am _ licensed, Tobias,” Rizzuto brushed off Toby’s snark as usual, and the latter laughed it off. Sighing then, Toby wrapped an arm around Happy’s shoulders again as he admitted to having nightmares that played on some variation of how that day could have ended. 

“The ones where I die I’m not really concerned about. But the ones where he managed to hurt you or any of the rest, especially you…”

“Such as how, Tobias?” Rizzuto pressed gently, and Toby groaned in exasperation.

“Could you quit it with the Tobias, man? Nobody’s called me that so much since that neuroscience professor in med school with a vendetta against me.”

“Still better than when Ray would call you Tammy,” Happy pointed out with a small smirk, and Toby opened his mouth to process but eventually had to nod in acceptance. 

Seeing Rizzuto still patiently waiting for an elaboration on his nightmares, Toby pressed his lips together before asking if they could take a rain check on the details. “I kind of want to talk this out with Happy in private first.” At her expression of light surprise, he smiled warmly. “Not even Rory knows the extent of my PTSD. You deserve to know first, babe. You're the one I want to share this with no matter how much I'd prefer to hide it.”

Rizzuto recognized how significant this was, not just in that Toby was willing to finally open up about his nightmares and demons, but that he was starting to trust Happy again that he wanted her to be the one who knew first and most what was plaguing him. “Of course, take as much time as you need. And when you feel you’re up to sharing more here in our safe space, my door is always open.”

* * *

Happy blinked in recognition and pleasant surprise as Toby turned into a small side road on their way back to the garage. She knew even before he parked the car that he was taking her to the tiny coffee shop along that road, where they’d had many of their early dates knowing they were safe from accidentally bumping into any of the team.

“This place is pretty much synonymous with us and sharing things we want to keep between ourselves, what better place for me to spill my guts, right?” He winked at her as he led her inside, to what had become  _ their _ booth and ordering their usuals. But the heaviness quickly returned once the waitress left after taking their orders, as he knew there was nothing else to do now but tell Happy everything.

Taking a deep breath, he reached for her hands across the table. “I’m sorry for not telling you all of this earlier,” he began. “It’s just… you’re already going through so much that I didn’t want to pile on more that isn’t even directly related to you anyway.”

“But it is, Doc.” She squeezed his hands to get him to look up at her. “Anything that affects you is directly related to me. So please, tell me?”

Smiling at her gratefully, he nodded. “You remember when I disappeared for three days a while back? When I told you I needed time to figure stuff out… I didn’t really mean you or us. I meant  _ him _ , and everything he did, almost did, and would’ve done if he had the chance.”

Tears swam in her eyes again at hearing the sheer pain in Toby’s voice as he spoke. Unable to be across the table from him while he was hurting this much, she got up and slid onto his bench to snuggle against him the best she could. Toby’s eyes widened at her being so affectionate in public, and thanked her wordlessly with a grateful kiss to her hair. The waitress returned just then with their coffees, but Toby didn’t even look at his when he started talking.  

And when he did, it was like the dam he’d built to hold back all those nightmares burst, and everything came pouring out. He told her how at first he'd keep reliving the worst moments of the kidnapping, varying between whether or not she and the team had managed to get to him in time. 

Then it had become  _ him _ somehow being involved in their situation with her marriage too- either that he was the one deleting Dylan's digital footprint so they'd never be able to track him and get that divorce, or even that Dylan was working with him now as bait to lure them into his trap again. It went against all of Toby's better judgement, but that part he skipped over for now. He knew Happy was already so deep in guilt about her secret marriage, the last thing he wanted was to make it worse.  _ I'll tell you later, after we've taken care of that _ , he promised her mentally. 

Instead, he told her how his most frequent dreams now were of Collins escaping again and hunting them down with a greater vengeance than before. 

“On the worst days I keep seeing him everywhere. Like he's behind me on the sidewalk, or in the car in the next lane, or he's waiting for me when I get home. It's… it’s another reason why I don't want to spend nights over, I can't bear you being there too if-”

“It's not going to happen, Toby,” Happy rubbed his arm. “He's in a real prison now, solitary in a maximum security. There's no way-”

“But he's  _ Collins _ .”

“And we're  _ us _ . We're us, Doc, and we’re Scorpion. It's never going to happen again, I'm not going to let it happen again.”

At that, Toby sighed heavily and dropped his head back against the top of the bench, his grip on Happy's hands tightening. “You shouldn’t have tackled me away from the jar like that, love, if it had fallen on you instead…”

“It was either  _ if _ it fell on me, or  _ when _ it fell on you.”

“Still, it wasn’t a risk I wanted you to take.”

“Maybe not, but it was a risk  _ I _ wanted to take. You keep saying you’re willing to die for me, did it ever occur to you it might be the same for me?”

His mouth fell open a little at that, widening his eyes as he tried to see it from her point of view. “No,” he spoke finally, shaking his head. “You can't die for me, Hap, I can't… I'll be dead without you anyway.”

“What, and you think if you die for me I'll hop over to Tijuana to party? I don't have much of a reason to live without you either, Doc.”

Toby wrapped his arm around her again to pull her closer against him. “You don't know- you haven't spent the last few weeks living every possible worst case scenario in your head,” his voice dropped to a whisper as he continued. “Now, next year, sometime down the road when we have a family… any possible point in our lives together where he could escape and take you away from me, I've lived it. And I can't bear to ever have to live it for real.”

“So what, you're going to keep me in a little bulletproof bubble?” Happy made herself inject a light teasing into her tone, knowing Toby would start spiraling soon if she didn't stop it. 

It worked somewhat, Toby offering her a tiny smile. “ More like missile proof, just in case.”

“ _ Doc _ ,” she warned him playfully, but he just shrugged as he swallowed heavily. 

“I don't think I'd be joking, honestly, if it were feasible.”

Sighing, Happy pushed his coffee over to him and nudged him to take a sip. “It's going to be okay, Toby. Dangerous and life threatening kinda come with our job description, but we're going to be  _ okay _ .”

Nodding, the warmth and kick of the coffee helping to bring him back to the good place they were in now, Toby murmured a thank you as he kissed her temple. “Doesn't mean I'll ever stop freaking out about losing you.”

“Ditto,” Happy leaned forward to drink some of her own coffee before pressing back against Toby. “And I can't imagine waking up alone after a nightmare of losing me is too comforting…” She trailed off, waiting for him to come to her both literally and figuratively. 

And he did, quietly asking her if he could come over again that night. “I need you, love, if you will have me.”

For what was quite possibly the first time ever, Happy didn't care that they were in public as she leaned up to press a short but sweet kiss to his lips. “Always.” 

* * *

* * *

**_And love is when someone who even knows your scars, stays to kiss them._ **

**_\- Benjamin Griss_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time =D


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has very graphic smut, so you've been warned lol. It's clear where it starts if you want to skip to after it.

**_You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don’t try to forget the mistakes, but you don’t dwell on it. You don’t let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space._ ** **_  
_ ** **_\- Johnny Cash_ **

* * *

* * *

_“So, chocolate or black forest?” Paige bustled into Happy’s back workspace after Toby left the garage early again, clearly bubbling with excitement._

_“Huh?”_

_Paige shot her a_ don’t act dumb _look. “It’s Toby’s birthday tomorrow and we need to do something for him. We’ve already got the present down, now you just need to tell me what flavor of cake he likes the best so can I grab one with Ralph after school.”_

_Sighing heavily, Happy set down her tools and shrugged. “I’ve been asking him myself what he wants, but he either brushes me off or changes the subject. I don’t think he wants to do anything this year.”_

_“Oh come on, thirty four isn’t_ that _old.” Paige teased, but dropped it when she saw Happy wasn’t smiling. Confused, she frowned a little. “This is Toby we’re talking about. Since when does he pass up an opportunity to celebrate_ anything _, let alone his own birthday?”_

_“Probably after what happened on mine,” Happy mumbled, intently studying the woodgrain of her workbench._

_Paige’s “Oh” was barely audible, but it only made Happy feel worse._

_Forcing herself to look up, Happy promised to try some last ditch effort that night. “I’ll let you know later, don’t get too excited until then.”_

_But she never got to try her last ditch effort, when she texted him about stopping over after work he told her no, that he had things on these next two nights he couldn’t get away from. He promised to spend the entire weekend with her to make up for it, the weekend that was conveniently three days_ after _his birthday._

_Paige had been disappointed when Happy conveyed the news to her, but the entire team was shocked when they’d come in the next day to see Toby’s desk conspicuously empty, and an apologetic Walter informing them how Toby requested to take the day off. “To quote him, ‘Unless there’s another nuclear apocalypse we have to save the world from, nothing else is going to make me come in today.’ I'm busy with my experiment so…” Walter walked off to Paige trying for more details but he called out that there were none._

_When Toby’s replies to the numerous texts Happy sent him during the day started off as one worded answers and then stopped coming at all, she asked Walter to hack to shelter board’s meeting schedule, only to find out there wasn’t a single meeting for that entire month, and a quick call to Rory revealed Toby had told him he didn’t want to meet up around his birthday either, that he had things he needed to think over in private._

_“Looks like he really doesn’t want any of us around him today then.” Happy sighed as she ended the call, even allowing Paige to pat her shoulder in comfort. “Though I can’t blame him, leaving him alone is the least we could do, I guess.”_

_Paige raised an eyebrow at her. “That’s it? You’re not even going to make an effort?”_

_“Can’t really celebrate the birthday of someone who isn’t here.” Happy shrugged, trying to make her way to the back, but Paige stopped her._

_Stuffing the gift bag containing the present from the team she had initiated they make for him into Happy’s hands, Paige ordered her to go over to Toby’s place that night. “Barge in, hell, break in if you have to, but make sure he isn’t alone on his birthday no matter how much he says he wants to be. If he still insists on kicking you out then fine, but trust me Happy, you’re going to regret not trying more.”_

Toby sighed internally when he looked through the peephole to see Happy standing there, two bags in hand. “When I steered clear of the garage today, I thought you’d be smart enough to get the message that I don’t want to see any of you,” he stated plainly as he opened the door.

His words stung, but for once she didn’t take the bait. “Just because I got the message, doesn’t mean I have to listen to it.”

He didn’t reply, maintaining a level glare that wasn’t particularly hostile, but was also far from welcoming.

“We, well, I asked Walt to hack into the schedule of the shelter you’re volunteering at to make sure you’d be at home,” she admitted, wincing in anticipation of how he might respond to that, but not wanting to keep anything a secret from him anymore. “And I called Rory too, to see if you were with him.”

“I know, he texted to tell me.” He leaned against the doorway, looking at her so intently it was almost like he was looking straight inside her. It unnerved her, for as piercing as his gaze always was, she never felt so exposed under it.

Toby noticed that he was making her uncomfortable, and even with how much he had preferred to be left alone, he never wanted to make her feel that way. “What’s in the bags?” He asked, changing the subject though his voice remained guarded, and she forced a smile.

“Why not invite me in then, open them and see for yourself?”

Toby didn’t try too hard to fight the roll of his eyes, but stepped aside to let her in anyway. She shuffled in somewhat nervously, setting one bag on the couch and taking a large cupcake and a candle out of the second one. “I know you didn’t want to see us, but I couldn’t let you be alone on your birthday,” she said as she lit the candle with the Zippo on the table she gave him, trying to ignore the unspoken words _Not after everything that happened on mine_ suspended in the air around them, lingering ghosts of when everything had gone so terribly wrong.

He still hadn’t sat down, standing a few feet away and watching her every action carefully, not knowing what to make of the situation. She walked over, reaching up to kiss him. “Happy birthday, Doc.”

That seemed to rouse him from his daze, and he moved to sit on the couch, staring as the flame danced, oblivious to the tension in the room. Maybe, just maybe, this could be the physical light that brightened up their metaphorical darkness. After all, it was about time, right?

“Make a wish?” She asked as she sat down next to him, nudging his arm with her elbow.

She never thought he would reach over and pinch the candle off.

He let the last wisps of smoke disappear, let the air in the room get a little heavier before he spoke, resigned. "You already know what I want, Happy. I want none of this to be true, but since that's not possible I want to learn to forgive all of you wholeheartedly. But it's not going to happen tonight by a candle.”

If she had anything left in her, she would have fought. She would have yelled at him, probably thrown something, done whatever she could have to demand from him just _what more he wanted from her_. But in that moment she felt so defeated, she just couldn’t. Instead she nodded, murmuring how she understood, though inside she so desperately _didn’t_ , and that she’d see him tomorrow.

She stood up to leave, but he stopped her with a hand on her wrist, his touch gentle like he always was with her.

“It's only going to start happening if you stay." His smile was soft and his eyes were warm. Happy fought herself to stop the hope welling up in her heart, expecting the next thing he said to kill it again. But for once, the painful pattern of the past four months didn’t repeat itself.

He guided her back down onto the couch, pulling her so close that their sides were fully touching. He released her wrist to grasp her hand with both of his. “This has been going on for too long. I… I made this go on for too long. I’m so sorry, Hap.”

She looked up at him, but he was staring at the cupcake and the blobs of wax that had hardened before they could drip down the length of the candle. She was about to speak, though she didn’t exactly know what she would have said, when he cocked his head to side in his usual adorable way.

“Is that from the bakery in Encino?” The moment from earlier was broken, but it had been replaced by a cheery air that she couldn’t bring herself to be upset about it.

She nodded, smiling shyly when he asked her how she knew he loved the cakes there. “I know I don't show it, but I do listen to the stuff you say."

He lifted her hand to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to her knuckles. “Thanks, Hap.”

She was about to respond when he reached forward and picked a bit of icing with his finger, smearing it on her nose in one swift motion. “Whoops.”

“Hey!” She reacted on instinct, unable to hide her smile as she tried to wipe it off with the back of her hand.

“Missed a spot,” Toby leaned over and pecked a kiss to her nose, licking his lips as he pulled back. “Wow, that’s even better than I remembered it.”

Happy was stunned, _was her Toby really coming back to her?_ He looked at her, feigning innocence as he waited for her to react.

“You can never eat anything like a decent person, can you?” She smirked, desperate to keep this light, did-the-last-few-months-even-happen? mood for as long as she could, taking out a plastic knife from the cupcake bag.

“Whoa, Hap.” Toby scooted back, hands help up in mock surrender. “I know things haven’t been great recently, but I really don’t think you need to resort to murder.”

She giggled, Happy Quinn actually giggled. It wasn’t the sarcastic huffs of laughter that dominated their fights of late, but it was genuine, the way he had been making her feel for years before they even got together. “Toby, please. If I wanted to murder you, I have much better methods than a disposable knife.”

“I know,” he grinned, stealing a kiss as she sat back down and handed him his half of the cupcake.

They ate in silence, both trying to wrap their heads around the last five minutes, how easily they had gone back to how they used to be. The feeling was incredible, knowing that they were still there, that they still had it, that it was only a matter of time now before they truly became okay again.

Toby finished his half first, licking his fingers as he reached over to the second bag Happy had brought over. “What’s in this one?”

She smiled and motioned for him to open it. “That’s from the team,” she commented as he took out a photo album. “Paige’s idea, actually, and Walt and Sly ransacked our computers to find as many as they could.”

He draped an arm over the back of the couch, and she cuddled into his side gratefully as he opened the album. “Whoa,” he breathed as he took in the first picture.

“Yeah, we could barely remember it ourselves,” Happy looked at Toby look at the picture. It was practically ancient, taken seven years ago when Sylvester needed a family photograph for some random high school project. The team was able to skillfully remove all traces of Collins from the picture, but even Walter’s software couldn't erase eidetic memories of those times.

The next picture was five years from the first one, several disasters and three new additions later, taken on the team’s first dinner together, fittingly on the night of Montero. After that they came much more frequently, Paige having quickly learned how to force them to capture moments ( _“Well, I_ don't _have a photographic memory, so too bad for the rest of you.”_ ) and them putting up less resistance themselves.

The last one was on the roof, the night Ralph won his court case against his plagiarizing professor. The contrast between the first and last was stark. Where in the first one they were all standing awkwardly and mostly scowling at the camera, the last one showed nothing but hugs and smiles all around. And the little blue napkin peeking out of Sylvester's pocket.

“I miss that guy,” Toby pointed to Tim. “Wonder how he's doing.”

“If only Walter liked him a bit more, maybe we could have gotten him to hack the SEALs database again and find out,” Happy joked, but felt her heart drop as Toby removed his arm from around her shoulders.

“Yeah well, you can't blame him for not liking the guy who came between him and the only girl he's ever loved.” He was back to using the hardened, guarded voice that she hated. It was obvious Toby wasn't actually talking about Walter, Paige and Tim, that they were instead being used as a painfully too close metaphor.

Toby looked down at Happy, her face crumpling as the magic of that night dissolved as fast as it had started. “I'm sorry, Hap,” he apologized again. “I don't mean to keep- I'll be fine, things are going to be fine. I promise.”

She nodded, but kept eyes locked on her lap, blaming herself yet again. Toby's heart broke, she had tried so hard to make this night go well. And it had, if he hadn't ruined it.

“Hey,” he wrapped his arm around her shoulders again, kissing her temple to make her look up. “I love you.”

The corners of her mouth tilted up almost imperceptibly, and Toby took what he got. “What's this?” He smiled, taking a small box out of the bag.

She blushed lightly as she told him she had made it. He was awestruck, looking between her and the leather bracelet nestled in the shredded paper stuffing of the box. He picked it up gently and examined it, amazed. Multiple braided layers were held together by an adjustable metal lock, seemingly delicate though knowing Happy it was probably strong enough to survive a hurricane. _Which is upsettingly necessary in our line of work_ , Toby mused.

He looked back at her to see her biting her lip nervously as she tried to gauge from his expression if he liked it. “This is amazing, Hap. I love it.” He beamed at her and her face split into a wide smile.

“Really?”

He nodded enthusiastically. “Best present ever.” As he tried to wear it, he saw his own bracelet sitting around his wrist, and moved to remove it.

“Toby, you don’t have to-”

“I want you to have this one.” He tied it around her right wrist, opposite her watch. She bit back the voice in her head laughing scornfully how it came down to him giving her a bracelet on his birthday, when it had almost been a ring on hers.

“It’s not handmade, not by me anyway,” he continued, oblivious to her torturing herself. “But it’s about time we got some matchy couple thing, right?”

She blinked, this was the first time he had explicitly called them a couple again after the breakdown on the night of Sly’s hospital gala. With Toby smiling brightly at her, she felt herself reciprocate it despite all the demons still raging inside her. “I’ve never seen you without this, are you sure…” she trailed off. _Are you sure I’m worthy?_

Toby’s smile faded ever so slightly, and his eyes took on a slightly distant gaze, but he insisted she have it. “I’ll tell you the story one day, but for now I want you to have it.”

Happy knew better than to push him, instead leaning over to help him tie hers on his wrist. “I sprayed it with water and stain protectant, so you don’t have to take it off in the shower or anything.”

“I guess it’s the same thing with that one, I mean it survived us being airdropped into the ocean and almost being drowned multiple times so it should be good.”

She giggled again, _God, it felt good to be so lighthearted around Toby once more_ , and he kissed her gently. She leaned up into him, pressing him into the back of the couch to deepen the kiss only for them to jump apart when something crashed onto the floor. The photo album dropped when Toby moved, and he reached over to pick it up. The first picture stared up at them, a painful reminder of who they used to be.

“Who’d have thought we’d end up here, huh?” He tried to keep the tone light as he flipped to the last picture before closing the album, so that their last memory would be a good one. But Happy saw straight through the mask he tried to construct.

She didn’t know what to say, but her concerned and questioning gaze made him open up nonetheless. “It’s just scary to think what if we hadn’t changed, you know? What if the rest of us had ended up like him too?” Toby didn’t need to mention any names for Happy to know exactly whom he was talking about.

“We were never him, and we would have never become like him. Especially you.” Happy paused, wanting to bring up something she had been holding back for weeks, and ultimately figured that this was the best opening to talk it out. “You’re sleeping through the night again,” she tried gently.

“Sleeping through the night? I’m not an infant, Hap,” he scoffed, but there was no hard feelings this time, just him trying to hide his pain with jokes as was his preferred defense mechanism.

“You know what I mean,” she said pointedly. There was no point in beating around the bush.

Toby fiddled with his new bracelet, avoiding eye contact. “I was so scared when he- I had only just started really _living_ , and I thought I was going to die before I could do everything I wanted to.” The proposal, the ring that was probably the reason he was grabbed so easily, floated through both their minds but neither wanted to bring it up.

He turned to face her, holding her hands in his. “I didn’t want you to have to live with that. You, or any of the team. He could have very well come after any of you after me, and I couldn’t bear the thought of that.”

“You should have told us, Toby,” she spoke without thinking, mentally kicking herself when she realized what she had said. Of course he didn’t tell any of the team- she had pretty much single handedly been the reason he _couldn’t_ come to them in the days and weeks that followed.

“I told Sly some of it, but he’s terrified enough as is,” Toby brushed over what she said. “Rory helped a lot at the start.”

She nodded uncertainly. Happy knew who he was, and that he and Toby had been hanging out a lot, but she didn’t know the full extent of their meetings.

“He does have Harvard training too. Not as good as me of course, but he can hold his own.” Toby smirked. “I need to introduce you to him officially, I was a mess the night of the gala.”

She looked down, ashamed. “He must has a terrible impression of me.”

Toby cupped her cheek to get her to look back up at him. “He knows how much you love me. And how much I love you. That’s all that matters, to him or to me.”

Happy honestly didn’t know how to respond to that, so she resorted to her own method of showing him how much she loved him back- pushing everything off his lap and kissing him, until she was straddling him and they were full on making out.

His lips left wet kisses up her neck and he curled his fingers into her back as she settled down onto him. With her grinding down, Toby whined how he wasn't going to last long.

“Well, that's what happens when you avoid me for three days,” she told him through panting breaths, holding his curls in her fingers with her head tipped back to give him more access to her. 

“Never again,” he said, shaking free of her grip to bite at the cotton of her tank top covering her collarbone. “Too much clothing,” he mumbled into her shirt while his hands ran up and down her sides.

“You want my clothes off, Doc?” Her fingers brushed back and forth over his jawline and he leaned into her touch.

He nodded with his eyes like saucers and she told him that once his shirt was off, he could remove hers.

Quicker than he usually moved, Toby had his shirt over his head with only one hand and tossed it aside before grinning and holding her waist.

“A promise is a promise,” she told him with a nod lifting her arms up.

He slowly removed the black cotton from her body and gulped. In place of her usual flesh-toned bra, she wore burgundy lace that left nothing to his imagination. Not that he'd need to imagine as this sight was one he was fortunate to see regularly now. Yet he would forever be in awe of her beauty. “You're beautiful, Hap.”

Her smile started soft and then turned to a smirk. “It's your birthday, I figured if you let me in this would be a fun surprise for you.” Happy held the side of his neck and rolled her chest forward to him. He held her sides and buried his face between her breasts.

Watching him move his head back and forth quickly, she laughed when she heard him make that raspberry sound. He did it twice more before he looked up and froze.

With her eyebrows arched, she gave him _a look_. “Seriously, Doc, you're motorboating me?”

“I thought you liked the feel of my scruff against your skin…”

He couldn't gauge her mood and despite rolling her eyes, she did reach behind her back to unhook her bra. “Go for it.”

Happy nodded consent and held her breasts together for him with both eyebrows quirked, urging him on with her expression. Grinning widely, Toby leaned right back in and the sensation of his lips vibrating against her along with his facial hair did feel good for a few moments before she burst into a fit of laughter.

It felt so good to laugh with her and he loved how their easy dynamic flowed effortlessly back despite them still having rough patches. Seeing how relaxed and in the moment she was had Toby reach up to pull her down for a kiss, holding the sides of her face with both of his hands as he did.

“Damn, I love you,” he breathed against her. As he nibbled on her lower lip, Happy settled deeper into his lap and he felt her hips making figure eights over him.

His teeth dragged off her lip and he gave her a peck. “You're so going to be the death of me, lovebug.”

She chuckled, “You say that often, Doc. I haven't killed you yet.” Her hand ran down his chest to ghost over the bulge in his jeans and she palmed him. “Being alive makes what's next possible, and so much more fun.”

While he rambled about the creep factors of necrophilia, Happy shushed him with her finger to his lips. “I've said this before, don't ruin it by talking.” Her eyebrows went up in warning and he nodded with a gulp.

She grinned and brought his lips back to her chest and his tongue circled her nipple.

Humming contentedly, Happy's fingers massaged the back of his head as he alternated between her breasts. His mouth leaving a hickey brought her back to the moment and she felt him hard underneath her.

“Easy, Doc,” she told him, “the night is young. Don't mark me too much yet.”

Her tone was entirely playful and seeing how she smiled down at him with her fingers playing in his hair, Toby didn't have words so he nuzzled into her chest again.

The main emotion for him was euphoria and his arms wrapped around her back. While they never stopped their physical intimacy, the gap between them of his anger over her secret marriage never left. Over the last few weeks, that anger dwindled and now being with Happy was how it always should be- just being with her because they both wanted nothing more.

Kissing down the valley between her breasts, he sighed telling her how he missed her.

“Because you missed me or the great sex we would have had?” The way her eyes sparkled as she waited for his answer was incredible.

“Definitely you,” he told her kissing her chin and more down her neck. “The amazing sex is the awesome cherry on top, babe.”

She laughed and pressed a kiss to his forehead. He apologized for not spending the last few nights with her and asked how she slept.

Her hands held the back of his head and she shrugged. “Would have been better if you were there, but not terrible. You?”

“Not too many nightmares…” Toby mumbled that the nightmares didn't get to him and he didn't sleep really which is why they didn't.

“Hey,” she said softly. “I meant what I said at Rizzuto’s. Whatever you need or want, I'm here for you.” When he looked down she lifted his chin up. “Let me prove to you that I'm not going anywhere.”

And just like that their mood turned solemn once more. So, not knowing how to verbalize just how much he needed her and did trust her, Toby took a page from her book and used his actions to show her.

Hugging her tight and tangling his one hand in her hair, he pulled her down to bury his face in the crook of her neck. “Stay over tonight, please?”

“Yes.” It was far from _the yes_ she was desperate to give him but so much the yes they needed in this moment. “What I have planned will last well into the night too.”

He groaned and said she leaned back to stand, extending her hand to help him up. She didn't say anything more as she led him back to his room and pushed him onto the bed when they got there. Quickly removing his belt, her fingers deftly undid his jeans.

Feeling her slap his ass to get him to lift up, he did but not without smirking. “Woah there, sugar plum,” he said, watching her pull both his jeans and boxers off, taking his socks with them. “Someone wants her some Doc real bad.”

She rolled her eyes and straddled him when all she had left on was a lacy thong to match the bra she discarded in the living room. But, kissing under his ear, she instructed him to sit back against the headboard and the look in her eyes told him he'd very much enjoy what she had planned.

Eagerly scurrying back and watching as she crawled back onto him on her knees and kissed him, holding the side of his face. “Happy birthday.”

“I love you.” Hearing him say those words to her had become so familiar but the last few months they sometimes felt like a prison sentence for them both. _I love you but I can't like you right now and I certainly don't forgive you yet._ But now, he looked at her with adoration and pure love, the way he did _before_ , and it was everything to her.

“I love you, too.” Kissing him more, Toby leaned forward and poured into that kiss how much he treasured her. His fingers trailed lightly up and down her back, delight coursing through him when she shivered and got even closer to him. When they broke apart for air, she had a grin on her lips he'd only seen when her thoughts were completely carnal and he was fully at her mercy. And he was very willingly at her mercy now.

“You know I love you, now I want to show you how much I love you.”

He smiled, a genuine smile graced his lips and she mirrored it leaning into him. Kissing along his jawline, she moved down to his neck as he murmured how good she made him feel. More wet kisses made their way down his chest until she scooted down to settle between his legs.

She purposely avoided his hard on, languorously kissing the dips of his hipbones and each crease of his thighs. The light touch of her lips caused goosebumps and he whined, holding the back of her shoulder in an effort to guide her to where he wanted her.

Not going with it, Happy playfully bit his hip and him yelping had her smirk. Licking over where she just bit, his breath caught.

“Would you like me to stop?” Her tone was deliberate and he frantically shook his head no.

“You haven't even gotten to the best part,” he told her with jagged breaths.

“For you, or for me?” she countered.

As his lips turned down, she finally touched his cock and said she hoped both. “I enjoy unraveling you.”

Toby’s eyes lit up and she grinned, peppering his thighs with kisses. Since she gave him a blowjob the night she came over weeks earlier, the one followed by yet another explosive fight in the morning, she'd gone down on him more often and to learn what got him off in ways she didn't know before.

He'd never seen her so enthusiastic and the way she wanted him on a visceral level had him close to seeing stars. And her mouth hadn't even taken him in yet.

His cock leaked precum and without further pretense, she licked it off and then down his shaft. The shuddering moan from him had her look up and lock eyes with him. Seeing her smile as she worked him, he was already overcome.

“Don't let go too fast, Doc. I'm just getting warmed up.”

He shook his head and she grinned, starting where the base of him met his balls. She slowly ran her tongue on the crease between them, then up and down his shaft.

As Toby shivered, she kissed his tip and he ran his fingers through her hair. “Damn, I really love you, Happy.”

She chuckled, saying she hoped he did and slid her lips down him which garnered a groan from him at how good it felt having her warm, wet lips start to envelope him. Her ministrations continued with her switching it up to keep him guessing and squirming under her.

Happy added her hand to his shaft and moved it in tandem with her mouth as she started to bob up and down. She moaned around him, causing the most exquisite sensations for him. He gripped the back of her head as the constant swirl of her tongue around his tip was sending him to the brink.

Her hand moved to cup his balls, the light massage of her thumb between then having Toby cry out her name.

A hum of contentment from her made him writhe and she slid her mouth back down his shaft to reposition. Now with one ball in her mouth and her hand pumping him slowly, his hips bucked up.

“Wait,” he panted.

“Mmhm?” She licked under both balls and Toby asked her to stop.

That had her freeze and his dazed, adoring smile told her he had a reason. He brushed back the hair that fell across her face and stroked under her eye. “I want to come inside of you, not your mouth.”

“For a genius, you're not the brightest,” she teased, circling the under ridge of his head with the tip of her tongue. He inhaled sharply and she grinned. “Because my mouth,” Happy took the top half of him in before pulling back, “qualifies as ‘in me,’ Doc.”

“You're a vixen,” he groaned, eyes closed and his head tipped back. “But you know that.”

“Better than a tease,” she retorted, licking around his head and sucking only his tip with her lips pouted.

“Oh, fuck it,” he rasped, bucking his hips up again. “Finish me off and then promise there's more.”

“Of course there's more.” She licked the entire length of his shaft, swirling her tongue around the head.

When she took him back into her mouth and began sucking, he cried out her name with a string of expletives. “I'm gonna come any second, Hap.”

She was aware of how sensitive he became right before coming and gently cupped his balls. Feeling how they tightened up, she moaned knowing that she was the reason he got this way. His one leg started to shake and she reached for one of his hands with her free one.

He squeezed it and breathed out how much he loved her. Toby felt her smile and his cock twitched against her lips, grazing across the roof of her mouth right before his load shot out. She caught it at the back of her mouth and took him back as far as he'd go, her tongue rubbing back and forth as she kept swallowing.

With him softened in her mouth, she felt him sink into the mattress and slide down onto his back. His grip on her hand loosened and she brushed over his knuckles and let him wind down.

Completely relaxed after his orgasm, Happy stayed between his legs on her stomach. Her legs were bent up at the knee and pressed hot, open-mouthed kisses to his inner thighs.

After that exertion, Toby took a few minutes to get his breath and come back down from his high. It felt divine how she lazily kissed his thighs, hips, lower stomach while letting his cock recover. Any more stimulation right now and he would need a longer refractory period.

Once in control of his faculties, he tugged on her shoulder. “I want to kiss you,” he said, that adoring, dopey smile on his lips yet again.

Happy acquiesced, kissing up his torso and then settling onto her side next to him. He wrapped his arm around her and leaned in, pressing his lips to hers for a soft kiss. She parted her lips and his tongue slipped in, his aftertaste strong and sexy as hell as he held her tighter.

She cupped the side of his face to deepen the kiss and press against him. When they broke apart for air, she breathed how after a few minutes of him cooling down they'd need a condom.

“Stashed ‘em all over the apartment, honey bear.” He kissed the tip of her nose and laughed at how she scrunched her face up only to roll her eyes and kiss him more.

During their kiss, her hand found its way back between his thighs and she felt him getting hard. After shimmying out of the last piece of lace covering her, she sprawled on top of him and rested her stomach over his hips.

Hot kisses across his chest and some grinding down on her part was all it took to have his erection poking into her. She rubbed him more and he breathed out the nightstand was the closest place he had condoms.

“I definitely feel you're ready for one.” She pressed onto him and kissed his shoulder before grabbing one.

“I'm ready.” He kissed her cheek and she grinned at him while her hand reached down and she rubbed her thumb over the drop of precum leaking from him.

When she brought that thumb to her lips and sucked it off with a satisfaction, there was a popping sound as she pulled her thumb out. Growling he was so aroused, Toby pinned her under him.

Her eyes darkened and she bent her knee up, reaching to hold the side of his neck and then roll him under her.

“I'm on top tonight, cowboy.”

“Be my guest, princess. I love that view.”

She shot him a look and moved back, ripping the condom wrapper open and sucking it into her mouth.

His eyes widened, he knew she sometimes did this but it was always fun being reassured just how hot and kinky she was for him.

Happy lowered herself to roll it down his shaft, nearly deep throating him to get it on him before checking it was snug around his base with her thumb and forefinger.

Only propped up by a pillow under his head, Toby craned his neck to watch her while she guided him to her wet folds and sunk onto him. It was a feeling he'd never grow tired of and he held her hips, bucking up.

“No,” she told him. She bent over him with her hand on his chest and her hair in his face to kiss the scruff of his neck. “I'll be the one fucking _your_ brains out tonight.”

Hearing that, he held her face with both hands and kissed her hard. She moaned into him and deepened it, catching his lower lip between her teeth. In this moment they were the only things that mattered, everything else disappeared and that's exactly how they wanted it.

This was the way she knew to show Toby how much she loved him, physically. Over the last few months Happy learned how to express herself more but right now, with how they were still touch and go, she wanted to show him she cared. The way their night was going, he didn't doubt it for a second.

Their eyes met and she brought his hands up to cover her breasts as she leaned back. He gently massaged them, his thumbs brushing over her nipples making her shiver. They shared a smile and Happy clenched her inner muscles around him as she arched back.

When she grabbed his shins to gain purchase, the tip of his cock brushed against her g-spot. “Ahh,” she cried out with his name.

Toby moved his hand down to her hip and then circled her clit with his thumb. “You gonna move or let me do all the work here?” There was a twinkle in his eyes and she grabbed his hands to pin them next to his head.

“What was that, Doc?”

“I like when you take charge.” He thrust up and his hands went all over her body as she adjusted on him, still holding on and rocking to get more. They were able to synch up their movements easily, him pushing up and her grinding her hips down. Toby’s hand on her clit was good, but constant stimulation was even better.

Leaning forward until her clit rubbed against Toby's pubic bone, she grinded her hips down and he kissed her. She knew how much he loved being skin to skin so she clawed for his shoulders to pull him up. Locking her ankles at the small of his back, her lascivious smile grew wider until her fingers were splayed across his neck and she moaned into another kiss.

They moved and kissed and grew closer to their orgasms. The closeness overwhelmed him and he made sure to rub her clit when she started riding him again. Toby held her hips and inched back until he was against the headboard, rasping how close he was.

“I'll finish you off then,” she winked. Bracing her hands on his shoulders, Happy arched back and bounced more, her breasts in his face as her inner muscles contracted around him.

He came first, burying his face in her chest and grunting as he felt his release. Happy held the back of his neck and with his scruff nuzzling her, and began to orgasm herself. The way her muscles tightened and only momentarily released was torturous in a sinful way that he didn't want to end. But also in a way he didn't know how much more his spent cock could take.

As the orgasm fully washed over her, she writhed and cried out, her heels leaving marks on his lower back from how hard she dug them in. Fully spent, she kept him in her when she fell forward across his chest and he collapsed backwards.

Happy kissed and nipped his neck, squeezing her inner muscles and make him squirm from all the pleasure and moaning in his ear that this was really good.

Both covered in sweat and sticking to each other, Toby's fingers massaged where her ass met the back of her thighs, ever so gently pushIng his hips up to maximize her last waves of pleasure. “That was amazing, lovebug.”

She pushed forward and snaked her hand between them to feel where they were still connected. Thumbing his balls, Toby said he'd explode if she touched him like that.

“Then I'll wait twenty minutes,” she chuckled.

Now it was his turn to give her a _look_ and she simply replied by lifting up and rolling the condom off him. Toby grabbed a tissue to wrap it in and kissed her hard, taking her lower lip between his teeth and slowly letting go of it. Her moan and the dark glint to her eyes got her wrapping around him again and soon they were lost in each other making out.

“Looks like we're ending the night like we began it.” His lopsided smile and sex hair working for him and doing  it for her. And not in a final, ending the night here kind of way.

“It's cute that you think this is the end of the night.” Happy licked up the side of his neck and held him in her hand. “You still have condoms in the bathroom?”

He nodded, “Replaced the box last week.”

“Good,” she said, still holding his cock as they both stood up for her to lead him into the shower. “Come on, birthday boy.”

***

The water was cold by the time Happy finally rinsed her hair and she shivered even with Toby standing just behind her. He chuckled how she really couldn’t handle low temperatures well as he gently nudged her out of the stream of water to rinse his own hair.

Happy rolled her eyes before smirking at him. “Oh right, _that’s_ why I keep you around. Space heater.”

“What?” Toby overdramatized hurt as he turned the water off. “And here I thought it was because you loved me and couldn't bear to live without me.”

“There's that too,” Happy smiled, though when Toby moved to hug her she expertly stepped out of reach. “Not until we're both dry, I'm cold enough as it is.”

Laughing, Toby stepped out of the shower area and tossed her a towel before grabbing one himself. “Get dry then.”

Toby dried off first, and kissed her forehead as he told her he'd wait for her in bed knowing she'd want to blow dry her hair first. She hummed in response, pulling him back to her for a quick kiss before gently shooing him out to dry her hair in peace.

Happy was glad for the whir of the motor, the white noise allowing her to dwell in her thoughts as she dried her hair. She couldn’t keep the widening smile off her face as she revisited the night they’d had so far in her mind. The sex had been amazing, quite possibly the best they’d ever had which said a lot given how much they’d been together over the past few weeks, but it wasn’t what stuck out to her the most.

Toby was finally starting to truly forgive her for all she’d done to him. Sure, he hadn’t actually said the word itself, but how he apologized for keeping her at arm’s length for so long and the mood between them being so noticeable lighter and more affectionate than it had been in the months _since_ , she knew they were really on the right track now.

Of course, legally and logistically things were hardly better than when it had all come to light, they hadn’t even narrowed down Dylan’s location. But the biggest burden on her this whole time had been how to prove to Toby her love for him and how much she’d changed, and with him wholly by her side she knew the rest would all fall into place in time.

Toby could just about see Happy through the doorway of the en suite from where he was sitting on the bed waiting for her, and his heart warmed at seeing such a huge and genuine smile on her face even as he knew she was deep in thought. It felt so good how _them_ they’d been the whole night.

It did still sting at times when he remembered how she’d purposely kept something so massive from him until he had inadvertently forced it out of her, but nothing felt better than having her in his arms and he knew he couldn’t let that secret keep them apart forever.

When he heard the sound of the blow drier cutting off, he shifted under the covers and pushed them back for Happy to slip in next to him before opening his arms for her to cuddle into him like they’d always used to. The ever present warmth of Toby around her, what had essentially become a distant memory that she had learned to get by without, was something she never wanted to leave again.

The way she nuzzled deeper into him stung. “I shouldn't have let this go on for so long. I was hurting you and it wasn’t fair. I'm so sorry, Hap,” he apologized again, and the pain in his voice made her want to talk more with him while they were still wrapped up in the magic of the night.

“No, you were right,” she whispered, thinking back to the first time they spoke _after_. “When you said that what I do best is run… It worked for all the things I'd wanted to get away from the past, and I was stupid enough to think my luck would hold.”

“I knew it wasn't going to last and that I would have to face the truth one day, sooner rather than later. But I just… I wanted to make as many memories as I could before I lost you.”

Toby's forehead creased into a frown. “Why would you have-”

“I never thought that you would hang around after you knew the truth.” Her eyes glistened and she blinked her tears back. “So, I figured I needed to make the most of it before it was gone. It was selfish, I only thought of how much I would hurt and I didn't think about you.” She tilted her head up to look at him, and the shift in balance sent the first tears running. 

Toby tensed, but the fight bubbling up in him again died down as he felt his chest become damp with her tears. They had both done far too much crying for an entire lifetime. “I could say the same thing,” he admitted. “The past few months I was so hell bent on punishing the you and Walt and Cabe for not telling me. And myself in a way too, that despite all my so-called training I couldn't read the people I love the most.”

“It… I don't know, it felt so good to finally have the upper hand and the moral high ground that I abused it. Talk about the Stanford Prison Experiment, huh?”

She gave him a watery smile. It was the smallest things she had missed the most, she realized, like him casually name-dropping psych case studies into whatever they were talking about. “You're more than justified in everything. I should have at least asked Walt or Sly to break it to you, but I was so scared-”

“Don't say that,” Toby cut her off seriously, and she glanced up at him, terrified that she had misspoken and reverted all the progress they had made that night. “Don't say you're scared, Happy, because the last time you said that we barely talked for months.”

Happy looked as if she was going to say something, but instead curled even closer against Toby, whispering another apology into his chest. He felt her stifle a yawn against him and smiled. “Let’s sleep, Hap.”

She shook her head against him, hair tickling his neck. “I'm fine.” When he hooked a finger under her chin to get her to look up at him, her eyes were filled with anxiety.

“We're still going to be good in the morning, we’re not going back to yesterday. Trust me when I say that.” He assured her, and she finally allowed herself to fully relax against him.

“Night, Doc.”

“Goodnight, cupcake.”

“What?” She looked up, bemused, and he shrugged good naturedly.

“It fits.”

Happy opened her mouth to retort, but it came out as a yawn and Toby chuckled. “You can beat me up in the morning.”

“Oh, I will.” She hoped it came out as threatening, but she was too busy relishing in how things seemed so close to becoming perfect again. She burrowed further against him, pressing her lips to his chest. “Love you, Doc.”

She felt him smile into her hair as he tightened his arms around her and pulled even her closer into him. “I love you too, cupcake.”

* * *

Despite what he told her just a few hours earlier, Toby was still having frequent nightmares, he had just become much better at hiding them from her. Which was why, when he woke up from his first truly peaceful sleep in four months, he knew things really started changing for the better… if only Happy were still in his arms.

The bitter taste of disappointment crept up his throat as he looked around to see the room and attached bathroom empty. Just as he was about to slump back onto the bed, resigned, he smelled something burning from the kitchen, followed by a light cursing he knew all too well.

Pulling on his boxers that were still lying in the heap of their discarded clothes from last night, he looked down the hall to see Happy wearing only his maroon Harvard collegiate that he had gotten with her in mind over a year ago, that she looked particularly amazing in, trying to salvage something on the stove.

“What do we have here?” He drawled as he hugged her from behind, and she jumped.

“Sure, give me a heart attack in front of the stove, why don’t you?”

He chuckled and hugged her tighter. “You know I’d never let that happen to you, cupcake. I went to medical school.” He proudly tapped the letters emblazoned across her chest.

“Still with that nickname, huh?” She sighed, though her smile gave her away.

“Like I said, it fits perfectly. Why do you think I tried out so many last night?” He smirked and she rolled her eyes which only made him laugh into her hair. “Seems like I’ve spent this whole time trying to find the perfect nickname for you, and this is it!” He grinned triumphantly, before looking down at the pot and wincing. “Oh, but that is definitely _not_ it, I presume?”

“I tried to make that salted caramel french toast you’re crazy about at Kovelsky’s. The bread’s fine, but I think I left the sugar on for a bit too long,” she frowned, jabbing at the hardening black lump with the spatula.

“Just a bit,” Toby teased, stepping back in time to avoid being elbowed in the ribs.

Happy sighed in frustration and dumped in the water she had been heating up in case of this very situation, to try and unstick the caramel.

“Hey, it’s the thought that counts, and the thought is very much appreciated.” The words came out muffled as he chewed on a piece of the toast while waiting for the coffee machine to finish. “Bread’s amazing by the way.”

She let the caramel/hot water mess sit and walked up to him, grabbing a piece of bread herself. “Sorry about that.”

“Are you kidding? This is the best birthday ever,” he kissed her forehead before grabbing his coffee and hopping up on the counter. “So, how much of an emotional whiplash do you think it will it be for the rest when we walk in together later?”

She looked up at him, and he saw how she fought to not raise her hopes too high, still uncertain when he would switch back to being cold and distant. It killed him when he realized that while he had been mad at her, she spent the past four months terrified every morning she woke up that he would decide that was the day he didn't want to deal with this any longer and would walk away. He remembered telling Sylvester how actions spoke louder than words, and it was gut-wrenching to see how he had been doing the same thing, telling her in words that he still loved her but in actions keeping her far away.

Toby motioned for her to step in closer to him, locking his ankles at the small of her back and taking her hands in his. “I told you last night that we'd still be good in the morning, and I fully intend on keeping that promise. As long as there are no other bombshells you're keeping under wraps, we’re really going to be okay.”

She shook her head, swearing that there was nothing else. He smiled, hopping off the counter and telling her there was just enough time for a shower before they headed to work.

Happy forced herself to focus on how far they had come that night, and not think about him still not being as affectionate as he used to. He'd never have hopped off the counter without kissing her before. “Yeah sure, you go first. I'll clean up here.” As she tried to keep her voice steady, he gave her a playful smile, his eyes twinkling with a hint of mischief.

“I said there's time for _a_ shower. You're coming with me, cupcake.” Before she could respond, he was tugging her down the hall.

*** 

Things almost seemed back to normal on the drive to the garage, Toby singing along loudly to 80s tracks when he wasn't getting heart attacks as Happy drove more recklessly than was really necessary. But, Murphy’s Law came down the hardest on the best things, and their carefully reconstructed happiness cracked the moment they walked through the door.

It wasn't Walter’s fault, honestly. Happy and Toby still hadn't been coming in together that often despite spending most nights together and running most mornings, and he had no expectation for this morning to be any different. Which is why the moment he heard the engine of Happy’s truck cut off and the door open, he yelled out about finding good information on Dylan.

“We got his passport being registered in Greece. Technically this means he can hop around most of continental Europe but hopefully he stays in one place for most of that time. Then we can track him down there and get this whole thing over with,” he rambled without noticing Toby standing awkwardly behind Happy.

Happy grinned at the dossier Walter stuffed under her nose. “He always wanted to go there, he just wanted to learn the language first. Looks like he has, good for him.”

She looked up to see Paige shooting her a warning glance, and when she turned around, Toby had disappeared from her side. She pressed her lips together, _of course she had gone and ruined everything again_.

“...Happy!” Walter knocking on the file finally brought her focus back on him, not that he noticed the distress on her face. “As I was saying,” he sounded a tad annoyed at her spacing off, “I have more information on my computer upstairs, as well as live trackers and facial recognition searches running.”

He walked back up the stairs to the loft, but she hesitated to follow him, scanning the garage in an attempt to find Toby, but it was in vain. Paige caught her gaze and pointed first to Sylvester's desk and then to the back, and she nodded gratefully before trudging up the stairs behind Walter.

She could barely pay attention to what Walter had to say, watching the screen but not even registering the pictures let alone Walter’s complicated coding, spending more time scouring the ground floor instead.

Sylvester came back into view first, face solemn but with a touch of hope. Toby followed a few moments later, offering Paige a small smile when she patted his arm as he walked by, and settling back down at his desk. He was definitely off the high of last night and earlier that morning but, like with Sly, there was a hint of light in his otherwise blank eyes.

The moment she saw him again, Happy couldn’t seem to get away from Walter fast enough, almost strangling him more times than she bothered to count. When he finally said that that was all they had for now, she barely had the time to thank him before practically flying down the stairs. But the moment she reached the bottom landing, she stopped short. She didn’t know what to say to him.

Toby sat back on his chair, legs kicked up on the precious few square inches of table not covered by his fort of books, closed off to the world again. For a split second Happy decided to just leave him be and work it out later, but as soon as the thought formed in her mind, she felt sick to her stomach. _How could I even think of letting him sit there alone and conjure up worst case scenarios?_

“Hey,” she finally walked up to him, feeling Sylvester’s watchful gaze burn a hole in her back.

Toby glanced up, a mixture of emotions she still couldn’t place, but at least hostility wasn’t one of them. He studied her for a beat before shifting his legs off the table and putting the book down. “Yeah?”

She bit her lip, not quite knowing how to put into words everything she was feeling, everything she wanted him to feel. “Look, I… When Walt said…” she sighed heavily, nothing seemed to be convincing enough. “I didn’t mean, or want you to think-”

“Hap.” It was only when he reached forward to hold her hands that she realized she had been gripping her bracelet so hard that the leather seemed to be aching as it uncreased itself. “Breathe.”

She took in a shaky breath as he beat her to the words, he had always been better with them anyway. And, the painful lesson she learnt the hard way over the past few months, it was easier to speak when you’re not the one to blame.

“I never expected you to come over here so fast, maybe you should give Walt some pointers on how to become more sensitive,” he grinned, and she found herself smiling too. Then the grin faded and he squeezed her hands.

“Listen, Hap, I’m sorry I reacted like I did. I’m thrilled that we’re much closer to finding him. It’s just that the past twelve hours were so perfect, you know? I had hoped we could stay in that for a little longer. But then again Walter is the guy who barges into people’s homes in the middle of the night, so what did I expect, right?”

She looked down and smiled a little, the hair falling across her face not blocking her peripheral view of Paige contentedly watching their first public affection in months. And for the first time ever she wasn’t bothered about an audience, rather she was proud that everyone could see how much they had improved over the course of one night.

“I…” He flipped their hands to interlace them, his thumbs tracing circles in her palms. “Is it okay if I have a bit of space again today? Being so close to finding him is great, but it does kinda burst last night’s bubble. Looks like I jinxed the emotional whiplash part, huh?”

And just like that all their patching up seemed to be ripped apart, and Happy tried her damnedest not to let any of that emotion show as she nodded and told him she understood and to take as much time and space as he needed. But then, in an almost perfect replay of the previous night, he held on to her wrist as she tried to walk away.

“I don’t need that much time though,” his expression was full of tenderness with a hint of a smirk. “This doesn’t mean I’m not still coming over tonight.” 

* * *

Happy almost sighed in relief when she heard Toby knocking at her door. He told her again just before he left the garage that he’d come over later that night, but he left earlier than usual and this was the longest he had ever taken to come over. She thought the worst and was afraid that he had changed his mind.

It was only when she opened the door to see him changed into smart casual that she remembered that it was one of the nights he volunteered at the community center. He chuckled at the realization dawning on her face. “I should have reminded you I’d be getting over late, sorry about that, Hap.” He walked in and saw her having already started on making dinner. “This is perfect, I’m practically famished. What’s for dinn- ooh lasagne!”

She practically lunged for him to hold him back. “You’re not going anywhere near that till it’s finished.”

“Need I remind you how you reduced perfectly good sugar into a lump of carbon just this morning? I better stay here and supervise.” His eyes twinkled as he turned to face her.

 _Two can play at this game_ , she grinned as she ducked out of his reach and went back to the counter. “Need _I_ remind you how the last time I tried to make lasagne you ate so much of the meat while ‘prepping’ that there was hardly any left for the actual dish?”

“I was just trying to make sure it was all fresh and well cooked so you wouldn’t die of salmonella. I’m such a caring boyfriend.”

“ _Toby._ ” She shot him a playfully exasperated look and he jumped back.

“From a disposable to a Santoku in under 24 hours? I don’t know, Happy, most people would say that’s a rapid escalation of- okay, okay!” He caught the cherry tomato she chucked at him, laughing as he went over to sprawl across her sofa and read the book she had left lying on the coffee table.

The mouthwatering smell of cooking lasagne made him look up a short while later, though something seemed off. It wasn’t the food, he quickly realized, it was that Happy was usually in his arms while they waited for the food to cook, laughing over whatever stupid show they had decided to watch that night. Instead, she was practically emulating Sylvester, still scrubbing at an almost immaculate kitchen, obviously trying her best to occupy herself from joining him.

“Hap?” Toby frowned, getting up and walking over to her. “Did I say something wrong?”

She shook her head as she hung the bowl she was holding on the drying rack, not looking at him. Toby sighed and crouched down to peer into the oven. “It smells amazing, Hap. How much longer?”

When she mumbled it would take another fifteen minutes or so, he stood up again and hugged her from behind, tucking her hair behind her ear and whispering how he had some pretty great ideas on how to spend that time. Usually she would have all but jumped him then, more often than not only remembering the food long after the oven had switched itself off, but instead she turned slowly to face him.

“It's okay, you know I get it.”

“Wha- what?”

“You said you wanted space today,” she motioned for him to go back to the couch. “I'll call you over when it's done.”

Toby closed his eyes briefly, floored with guilt. “God, Happy.” He lifted her to help her sit on the counter, stepping in as close as he could and cupping her face in his hands. “Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you so bad when I said that. I was being a bitch today. I shouldn't have reacted so badly to Walt finding more information about him. I mean, that's a good thing, right?”

Happy nodded and he smiled, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Last night was amazing, and I want to keep that from here on out. If there's something then we’ll talk it out, but no more distance and avoidance, I promise. I'm not letting go of you again.”

Happy's eyes were so full of hesitant hope that Toby hated himself even more for how much he had hurt her over the past few weeks. Yes the whole thing was fundamentally her fault, but he knew he had been too harsh on her for way too long. He should have been trying to build back what they had, not punishing her for what she'd done, not this much.

She reached over and rested a hand on his cheek, her thumb rubbing over his scruff. It was so natural, so _them_ . Toby gladly closed the distance and kissed her, gentle at first but deepening it as she wrapped her arms around his neck and locked her ankles around his back. He got the message, sliding her off the counter and carrying her, walking them over to the fridge. Pressing her against the door, he shifted slightly to give her more control, regretting how much he had dictated the terms on their intimacy since the bomb dropped, because _damn_ was she good.

When they finally had to pull apart, neither wanted to go very far away, resting their foreheads against each other. Their panting soon turned into laughter, the sheer incredulity of having held back for so long catching up with them. The oven dinged somewhere behind them and she kissed him again quickly before sliding down from his arms and going over to take the lasagne out, him following closely behind her.

“That was delicious,” he told her, his mouth full with the last bite of lasagne.

She smiled as he set his plate in the sink and she turned around with him sliding her down and then lifting her up onto the counter. “Contrary to this morning, I know how to cook.”

“Never in a million years did I think you could.” Toby laughed and froze leaning to kiss her forehead with her glaring at him. “Not in a bad way, Hap, no.”

Her voice was low and deliberate, desperate to keep them from spiraling into another fight. “Then how did you mean for it to sound?”

“I never knew you _could_ cook, so learning you know how is still new.”

Sighing, she shook away the exasperation creeping in and held the side of his face. “Well, I can. You learn to do a lot yourself when you have to.”

That made him sad, how she spoke about her past as forcing her to grow up and learn quicker than anyone should. “I’m sorry.” His lips brushed along her temple and he hugged her without pulling her totally off the counter.

“It’s fine, and I do get it.” Her hand rested on his chest and she put a few inches between them to study his face. “If you’d rather be alone, or with Rory or anyone else really, I get it. It won’t become something I pick a fight over.”

“No.” The resolve she heard made her look up and the stern expression melted into soft adoration with regret in those gorgeous hazel green eyes of his. “I’ve kept too much distance between us, I’m so sorry, babe.” He hugged her again and mumbled into her hair if she’d forgive him.

“Of course I do. You’re all I want, Toby. You giving me this chance with you knowing all you do, thank you.”

“I’ll always give you a chance,” he pulled back just enough to press a kiss to her forehead. “You’re the love of my life, Hap, and that means I love all of you. Even the parts I don’t know about yet, and that’s okay.” He paused then and took a deep breath before continuing. “Just please tell me though, whatever I need to know? I can’t go through all that pain again.”

She bit her lip as she looked down for a moment out of guilt before locking her gaze onto him. “Always. I’ve learnt my lesson now, Doc, I don’t want to hurt you like that ever again.  
  
Toby smiled down at her and cupped her face with both hands as he leaned in for a kiss. “Sorry for snapping again today,” he murmured, pulling back slightly, but she just shook her head and pulled him back for another kiss. He groaned as she deepened it, and when she locked her ankles at the small of his back he knew it was her wordless signal to move things along.

Slipping his hands under her thighs he moved to lift her up, but stumbled a little as he stepped back with her in his arms. They fell back heavily into a chair that was thankfully just behind them, and Toby was still a little stunned from the sudden loss of balance as Happy just burst out laughing.

“Smooth, Doc,” she grinned after finally calming down some. “Though if you wanted us sitting up so bad, you could’ve just said.”

“Who said this wasn’t intentional?” Toby scoffed, a lame attempt to cover up his stutter stepping. “I totally meant to-” He inhaled sharply when Happy grinded down on his unexpectedly, and could only gulp and nod when she nipped at his collarbone telling him to shut up.

Pressing wet kisses up his neck as her hands snaked under his shirt to lightly scratch his chest, she knew he was at her mercy and smirked when she felt him growing hard under her. “Someone’s eager for a redo of last night,” she whispered low into his ear, and he barely bit back a whimper as she moved her hips against him in a way she knew drove him crazy.

It was only when she nudged him to take his shirt off that he seemed to come back to earth, releasing his grip on her waist just long enough for her to pull it off before his fingers started toying with the hem of hers. But instead, she abruptly shifted off him to stand, and this time he did let out his whimper at being denied.

Giving him a look to remain seated when he tried to stand too, he groaned when she pulled off her shirt herself to reveal the mauve lace bra she’d first worn on their formal date. Bracing her hands on his shoulders she leaned down to his level, her chest tantalizingly close to his face as she whispered she was ready for a redo of the previous night too, if he was.

He nodded hastily and she smirked at how eager he was. “You up for lasting longer than we did last night, cowboy?”

His smugness came back into him at that, and he puffed his chest as he said he was. “My stamina is amazing,” he added when she raised an eyebrow in tease. “I’m practically a sex god.”

“Oh yeah?” Happy asked, moving to sit on the edge of the table and dragging her foot torturously slow up his side. “Then prove it, Curtis.”

He practically jumped up at that, lifting her off the table and carrying her over his shoulder to the bedroom even as she squealed a little at the sudden movement. Setting her down against the pillows, she squirmed in anticipation at the dark glint in his eyes. “Careful what you ask for, Quinn.”

***

Happy stepped out of the bathroom to see Toby sitting against the headboard on his side of the bed, barely acknowledging her as he continued reading his latest journal. Biting back a sigh that she shouldn’t have gotten her hopes up, she slipped under the covers, whispering goodnight as she turned away from him. She heard him put the book aside and mutter something, but before she could muster up the energy for another argument, she felt the mattress shift and his arms wrap around her from behind.

“Huh?” She breathed, turning to face him, not wanting to break whatever moment was happening.

“I asked, what are you doing so far away?” Toby's eyes were sparkling with love and amusement.

“But you-”

“I told you I'm not letting go of you ever again, and I fully intend to keep that promise from here on out.” He rolled over to lay on his back, pulling her with him so she was splayed half on his chest.

Happy nuzzled into him, so overcome with relief that she didn't know what to say. She expected him to trace patterns on her skin or whisper sweet nothings in her ear until they both fell asleep, but she never expected what he said next.

“So, what did you guys find out today?”

“What?”

Toby shrugged casually, as if he were just asking her about the weather, instead of about their progress in tracking down her husband whom he had vehemently refused to talk about. “Walt seemed pretty optimistic today, so it's safe to assume you guys found some good info.”

She looked up at him in disbelief, wanting nothing more than to start having open conversations with him about the issue, but also not wanting to let something slip that undid all their progress of the past two days. “How much do you want to know?” She asked slowly, the last thing she wanted was to push him too far.

Her fears were unfounded though, when Toby simply replied with “Everything.” He smiled at her obvious hesitation, tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear and letting his fingertips linger on her cheek. “I love you, Hap. And loving you means I'll always be by your side. I've been keeping you and the team and all of this at arm’s length for too long now. It's time I start helping you guys. Besides, it can't hurt to have a genius behaviorist on the team when you're trying to track someone down, right?”

Happy smiled at him gratefully, recounting everything Walter had told her in the morning. “The problem is that he doesn't need a visa so it’s more difficult to pinpoint where he'll go from Greece and for how long he’ll stay.”

“Why does he need a visa? I've been to Europe several times and never had one.”

She gave him a look as her hand rested on his side. “Because he doesn't do vacations like the rest of us. He's a nomad and spends a few months to a year in a new place before he gets bored and moves again.”

“Oh,” Toby said, his brows furrowing as he realized how well she knew Dylan's motivations and how he'd operate. “Would he still be like that nearly a decade later?”

“He is. I came close to finding him last year but he disappeared shortly after landing in Suriname…” Toby cocked his head to head more and she continued. “I don't speak Dutch and not even Walter can find someone without a digital footprint.”

“I don’t speak Dutch, but I would have helped however I could.” He wasn’t angry, more sad that she went through that alone.

“I know you would have. But I wasn't ready to let you know the mess I got myself into.” She drew circles over his side but looked down to avoid his stare. Then she felt his finger move to under her chin and bring her face to meet his.

“You've nearly found him now, which is great, babe. Is there more?”

Happy nodded and bit her lip as she chewed over how to tell him the rest when for months he didn't want to hear anything. “We can't find any paper trail yet other than his British passport dinging in Athens-”

“He's got a British passport?” The sheer confusion was plain as day on Toby's face until Happy told him how Dylan was a dual citizen thanks to his father being from England.

“What about credit cards? Can't Walt track those to see where he’s staying?”

“He preferred to use cash, didn't like being tracked and preferred to come and go as he pleased. Our best bet now is to monitor the customs checkpoints throughout Europe to see where he shows up next. Then if we move quickly we should be able to track him down long enough to get him to sign the papers.”

“So you think he would be more likely to travel around Europe and not just stay in Greece?”

Toby was curling the ends of her hair around his fingers as he spoke, and Happy became acutely aware of how this was quite possibly the weirdest pillow talk ever. “I guess, if he can he would definitely want to travel as much as possible.”

“Is that why you left?” Toby’s voice was softer now. There was no trace of anger or malice, just pure curiosity and concern.

Happy nodded, her eyes downcast. “It seemed fun at first, but then it was like he never wanted to come back to the States and I just…”

“You needed to come home because it’s where you felt the safest and most in control of your life?” Toby offered, interlacing their hands.

“Yeah,” she admitted. “And I wasn’t even sure how long it was even going to- I mean we were technically dating, but when it came down to it, he wanted as much FAFSA as possible and I just needed an excuse to get out of the system sooner.”

His voice was low when he replied. “I didn’t know it was that bad for you.”

“The last place wasn’t terrible, I was old enough that they just let me do whatever I want. It’s better to be ignored than to have them breathing down your neck.”

Toby shut his eyes, unable to imagine what she had been put through as a child. He pulled her back closer into him, rubbing her back as he apologized for making her bring her past up again. Happy rested her chin on his chest so she could look up at him.

“You have the right to know. I’ll tell you everything in time,” she promised.

“Thank you, cupcake.” He kissed her forehead, laughing at the exasperation that flitted across her face. “You know I’ll never drop that, right?”

She pushed him onto his back and straddled him, her face inches above his. “Drop it.”

“Not if I get this everytime I call you that, _cupcake_.” He smirked, holding her waist and rubbing circles on her hip bones with his thumbs.

“Fine,” she grinned in response as she got off him and turned to face away from him, throwing casual goodnight over her shoulder.

Toby whined and shifted to hug her from behind, murmuring how she couldn’t just leave him like that. “You did bring it on yourself, you know that.”

“So you'd rather I didn't come over last night?” she teased.

He shook his head with his face buried in her hair. “Last night was more amazing than I deserved, but that doesn't mean my calling you cupcake isn't fair game.”

“I guess I can give you that.” Happy giggled, turning in his arms to nuzzle into him again as she drifted off to sleep. She felt him mouth a ‘Love you’ against her forehead, that she mumbled it back, knowing without a doubt for the first time in far too long that he really, _really_ meant it.

* * *

* * *

**_There was a lot of apologizing going on, but I realized that was how it was with people you cared about. You forgave each other and moved on._ **

**_\- Richelle Mead_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time =D


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took us much longer to complete because we wanted to do justice with the emotional intensity of Toby and Happy at this point in their reconciliation. Everything is heightened, and this is the crux of it. There is smut in this chapter and it is portrayed as one of the many ways they now communicate with each other. We do hope you enjoy this latest update!

**_I didn’t want the easy kind of love, I wanted the crazy love, the kind of love that created and destroyed all at the same time._ ** **_  
_ ** **_\- Julie Murphy_ **

* * *

* * *

“Hey.” Toby looked up to see Happy standing beside his desk. “You free to come around back for a minute?”

He nodded and followed her, running through every second of the past few days in mind and trying to figure out what she might have a problem with this time. There really was nothing he could think of, they’d become so much better after his birthday and the following night when they finally had their first civil, open, and honest talk. _Did I become_ too _comfortable with something?_

Stuffing his hands into his pockets as they rounded the corner, he took a deep breath, preparing to babble his way out of trouble. His mind was still in overdrive trying to remember what he could have done recently to set her off again, when she took a step toward him. He instinctively flinched back, raising his arms in front of him to try and block what he anticipated would be her punching or hitting him like she had before.

But instead, Happy dropped her arms, hurt flashing across her features as she asked him what was wrong.

“Please don't hit me again? Whatever I did, I’m sorry. You know I never want to hurt you, and- ”

“Huh?” Happy looked up at him with confusion.

“I know I messed up again. Honestly I don’t know what it was this time but I promise I’ll make up for it-”

“You didn’t mess up again.” She frowned slightly as she cut off his tangent. “Did you mess up again?”

“I… I don’t think so?” Toby really couldn’t think of anything, but if there was anything he had learnt over the past few months, it was that he still didn’t know everything that could, and would, set Happy off.

She shook her head as if to clear the air. “Then what are you talking about?”

Biting the inside of his cheek, he kicked at the scuffed cement floor. “After we got together, almost every time you’d ask to talk to me away from the rest of the team, it was mostly because I screwed up. Again.” He saw the lost expression on her face and moved to elaborate. “After the drug runners in Arizona, and that case with Cabe’s friend and the Aztecs, and Djibouti… that’s still funny to say.” He grinned despite himself.

Happy couldn’t help but smile at Toby’s lame joke, though it quickly faded when she realized the real gravity of the situation. Toby had been scared every time she had asked to talk to him, and thinking back she knew he had good reason to be. He was right, every one of the instances he had mentioned, and even more on random slow days at work or at home, she had pulled him aside and been too hard on him, both verbally and physically.

“I was only trying to-”

“I know, Hap. I know most of the time it was for my own good as well as yours, but it’s just… old habits die hard, you know?

“I didn’t mean to make you scared of me.” She was so soft he could barely hear her, her remorse palpable.

He shook his head. “I wasn’t scared of you as much as I was scared of you getting mad at me and leaving. If I lost you because I’d gone and done something stupid, I would never be able to forgive myself.”

“You’re not going to lose me.” She looked up him resolutely, and he chuckled.

“Ditto. And I think the past few months have more than proven that.” He nudged her shoulder gently, relieved when he finally got a smile from her. “But anyway, what did you drag me over here for in the first place?”

Happy didn’t reply with words, but instead reached up to kiss him. It was infinitely gentler than the previous times she’d kissed him in the garage, this time conveying love and tenderness rather than lust and an exasperated form of passion. Toby was surprised at first, but quickly relaxed into the kiss, his hands holding her sides as she splayed her fingers across his face and neck.

Even when they pulled apart, Happy refused to let go of him, instead wrapping her arms around his neck and nuzzling into him.

“You know we’re so fired if Walt catches us, right?” Toby smirked as he tightened his own grip around her waist and pressed a kiss to her temple.

“Stop it,” she mumbled. “All of my walls are down here and being vulnerable is scary for me.”

That floored him and he squeezed her reassuringly in his arms. “Okay, no teasing in this moment.” He kissed the top of her head and almost didn’t catch her “I’ve missed you” whispered into his shoulder.

He had to bite back his response of ‘It’s barely been four hours since we got here’ and his chest tightened at hearing her sigh into his shoulder. “I’ve missed you too, lovebug, so much.”

She nodded, her hair tickling his neck, and they stayed like that until she pulled back. “You’re tense,” she noted, before seeing the hints of caution lingering in his eyes. “You still don’t trust that I won’t snap at you, do you?”

“It’s not about trust, Hap.” He wanted to reassure her. “It’s more of… classical conditioning. You know, unconditioned stimulus response, Pavlov’s dogs, the whole bell and dog food-” He stopped himself when he saw her staring at him, lost and heartbroken at the same time. “It’s going to take a bit of time to break the response chain, that’s all.”

Happy couldn’t hold back her sigh at how Toby retreated back to his academic rambles, and she knew him well enough to know that they meant there was more under the surface that he wasn’t telling her. “Toby, please?”

One look at her and he knew there was no point in trying to sugar coat the facts or hide them behind his tangents. She deserved to know how he really felt, _they_ deserved to have it out there in the open. “Please don’t take this wrong, love.” His heart broke as he watched her face crumple, but he knew he needed to get it out. “You know things have been going pretty great these past few days, and we’re almost back to being good again, I promise. But honestly, sometimes I feel like it’s going to take some more time for me to feel truly safe in you and fully trust you with my heart again.”

“But this is all on me,” he added immediately. “You’ve done so much more than I could have asked of you to help us get through this, I just need to get over the last of my doubts and demons myself.”

“Will you ever be able to trust me?” Her voice was shaky, the closest she’d ever get to crying in the garage again, and it killed him.

He held her hands in his as he told her how much he hated what he felt, but that he needed to be honest about it because he was so close to forgiving her. “I know you won’t hurt me, love, and know that I won’t ever leave and that I am going to love you forever.”

“I love you, too,” Happy gave him a watery smile as she thanked him for being honest with her.

Toby pulled her back closer to him, and she gently tugged her hands out of his to run them through his hair instead. “I want to kiss you again, that okay with you, Doc?”

He could only grin and nod before closing the gap between them once more.

* * *

Happy paced around Toby’s apartment as she waited for him to come home. They hadn’t talked since about everything that had been said in the morning, their moment broken when they heard Walter coming towards them. A smile played on her lips as she remembered how the head genius glared suspiciously between the two of them, both of whom had still been a little flushed and breathless, and then walked off muttering how now he had to install cameras over every inch of the garage thanks to them.

Toby still wasn’t back, he had told her he was going to meet Rory and that she could go over and wait at his place if she wanted to. Happy accepted his offer, for as much as she had always said she hated his decor, there was still something about his place that made her feel comfortable and safe. It felt like home.

She finally stilled and decided to watch television while waiting for him when she realized that she had somehow been spinning her keyring on her left ring finger. Snatching the offending object, she threw it onto the nearest table, knowing Toby would recite an entire textbook on projection if he found out about this. As she rubbed her finger to try and rid the feeling of the metal - the entirely _wrong_ kind of metal - around it, she found herself wondering again if the ring was somewhere in the apartment. It wasn’t the first time she was alone in his place since the night with the severe thunderstorm, but it was the first time that finding the ring had been such a strong, overriding thought again.

Her debating with herself on whether or not she should try to find it was interrupted when her phone dinged with a message from Toby, telling her that he was on the way home and he’d be there in twenty minutes or so. Typing back a quick reply, she started looking around the place with a new purpose. It couldn’t be anywhere in the living room or the kitchen, she knew, she had been through almost all of the drawers already over the past few months, for some reason or another.

Walking into the bedroom, she didn’t have her hopes up either - she had been through most of his wardrobe, dresser, and bathroom drawers recently as well. Frustrated, she collapsed back onto the bed. It was then that her gaze fell onto his bookshelf and, if she were outside looking in on someone else she would have called them crazy, but the more she thought about it the more she realized that Toby had been staring at the bottom right door a lot as of late.

There was nothing externally visible about that particular shelf or door that seemed off, the structure was perfectly solid. Bending in front of the cupboard, she somewhat hesitantly opened the door, and felt her breath catch as she found herself face to face with a small velvet box.

Almost frozen in place, Happy managed to stumble back to the wall and couldn't do anything but stare at the small piece of metal and carbon she longed for since first learning if its existence. Toby would be home soon and she didn't know how she'd explain this, but she was unable to function other than the steady in and out of her breath.

“Honey, I’m home.” Happy snapped her head up as she heard Toby enter the apartment. She knew she should hide the ring and go out like nothing had happened, she still had time to put it back and compose herself before he came into the room, but she just… couldn’t.

“Hap, you here, sweetheart?” His voice and footsteps were getting louder as he came closer, but somehow her grip only tightened around the box, and she couldn't bring herself to move. She winced as she heard the grin in his voice when he called for her again. “Are you planning a little surprise for me? Because I-”

Toby stopped short when he entered the room, only to see Happy sitting in the corner with her back to the wall, holding the open ring box so tightly as if it was the only thing keeping her alive. “- was not expecting this.” He said it softly, more to himself than to her. “Oh, God.”

_Toby looked up from the carrot stick he had been mutilating while he recounted that morning to Rory. “I love her so much and it’s killing us both that I still can’t bring myself to trust her fully. What do I do, man?”_

_“What more do you need?” Rory asked him slowly. “What more do you want from her?”_

_“That’s just the thing, she has done everything I could ask of her, I don’t know what more I need. I thought I just needed time and space, and it did help to get over the initial bit, but-”_

_“Then just ask her for more distance for a bit longer?”_

_“I can’t.” Toby mumbled to his plate. “The past few months were killing her, she was hurting so much that I was doing the whole push-pull thing and… and I know this whole mess is her fault to begin with, but I can’t put her through more of that.”_

_Rory set down his fork and rested his palms on the table. “Look, Toby, there’s no easy way to say this, but you’re still not in the position to go back to how you were before all of this. And I don’t think you need me to tell you that it isn’t fair to you or to her.”_

_Toby swallowed and nodded. “Having an eidetic memory, it’s mostly a blessing but in so many ways it’s a curse. What if I can never forget all of this?”_ _  
_

_“You can’t forget something like this even with a normal memory, so stop finding a way to boast about your genius every other sentence, you narcissistic chump.” Rory joked, and Toby grinned appreciatively. “And you know that you can forgive someone without having to forget what they did. Moving on from a betrayal is important, but that doesn’t mean you have to forget and risk falling into that trap again.”_

_“That’s just the thing, Rory. What if she does pull something like this again?”_

_“Well, for one, I’m not going anywhere, and more importantly, I’m pretty sure she’s learnt the lesson in all of this, don’t you?”_

_Toby nodded again, more hesitantly this time, and Rory sighed. “What’s one thing that truly cements your relationship? Not just that you love each other, because I know the both of you do. Something, preferably tangible, that you can use as the focal point that puts everything else back into perspective, that you can use to build things back up around._

_“I… I don’t know. We’ve known each other for so long and there are so many things that are important to us.”_

_“Yeah well, use that eidetic memory of yours and find the one thing that stands out the most. And use that to ground the two of you as you work out the last of this.”_

The ring. The little band of platinum and diamond that he had spent days designing for her, that had forced out all the truth and secrets she had kept hidden, but that he also still so desperately wanted to see on her finger one day. It had been his goal when they started their relationship, and almost became the trigger that tore them apart for good. And it would be the thing that truly brought them back together again.

It was so obvious now, Toby couldn’t see why he hadn’t thought of that before. _Repressed memories are_ _memories_ _that have been unconsciously blocked due to the memory being associated with a high level of stress or trauma_ \- he shook his head to turn off the academic side of his brain from taking over, this was not the time.

“Hap,” he whispered as he walked over to kneel beside her, the tears building up in his eyes mirroring hers as she looked up at him.

The night of the failed proposal came flooding back to them both. He had such hope for her answer while she dreaded the inevitable she could no longer run from. As much as she wanted that ring on her finger, she couldn’t even bring herself to touch it, let alone try it on. When the day finally came, she wanted him to be the one to slide it onto her finger.

As if he read her mind, Toby pressed his forehead to hers and took a deep breath. Her breath was uneven and he held the side of her face, his thumb sweeping under her eye where the skin damp from tears. His heart broke and what Rory said earlier seemed crystal clear now - Happy was all he wanted and there was no way he could keep them in any form of limbo anymore.

But, before he could tell her that, she spoke. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snoop…” She stuttered, her voice full of a raw emotion he'd never heard before. Happy was close to full on hyperventilating and while he wanted nothing more than to wrap her in his arms, Toby had to get that ring out of sight. While it was a part of them, it needed to wait until things weren’t still so raw.

“It's okay,” he told her. He kept his voice soft and knew that it would be too traumatic if the first thing he did was take the ring away so he didn't. Instead, he chose to cup her face gently with both hands and kiss her.

She barely relaxed and only parted her lips for him when she felt his tongue run over them, requesting entry. When Happy whimpered into him, actually whimpered, and he felt his heart breaking as he deepened the kiss.

“Oh, Hap.” He pulled back for air and sighed at how she closed her eyes holding up the the ring box. His hand covered it in hers and his lips brushed over her knuckles before he took the offending box (not exactly but in the moment it overwhelmed them both) and placed it back under the bookcase behind the safety of those opaque doors.

He didn't have his back to her for more than ten seconds and when he turned back she had her knees pulled up with her forehead resting on them. Carefully lifting her in his arms, he set her down in the center of the bed.

Before she could ask what he wanted, he lay down next to her and his hand held her cheek. Kissing her, it was deep and passionate and conveyed how nothing was changed between them despite her feeling like it had.

She leaned into him as he pulled back and wrinkled her eyebrows together seeing the strained look he had.

“I am so sorry for everything, love,” he told her slightly out of breath.

“What for..?”

“The distance, my moods, keeping you on pins and needles with it all.” He brushed back her hair and asked that she not argue. “It's the truth and I'm over it.”

Her eyes widened and she took in how his expression went from a coy smirk to a genuine smile as he kissed her cheek. “Can we start again, Happy? I don't want to be apart from you at all now, in any way. Please?”

There weren't words appropriate enough for the level of ready she was so she didn't use any. She used both her hands to hold his face and kissed him as deeply as she possibly could, pouring into him all the love she felt for him.

“Yes,” she breathed, her forehead against his while they stopped for oxygen. “That is everything I want, Doc.”

“You're everything I want.” What used to sound like a cheesy line they both knew meant it all now.

“Ditto,” she smiled, leaning up to kiss him again. But then she pulled back, looking down and playing with the hem of his shirt before speaking again. “Toby, I’m so-”

He shushed her gently before she could apologize again, pulling her closer as he murmured with his lips against her forehead how they were going to get through this. “And come out stronger, together. I promise you, babe.”

Her gaze was still trained on his shirt, but he saw the corner of her mouth tugging up ever so slightly and leaned down to kiss it. “Everything will fall into place in time, can you trust me when I say that?”

They both knew what he really meant by that. He still couldn’t tell her that he’d propose right after they got her divorce papers signed, there were too many unknowns and variables at play still. Happy swallowed and nodded, and as much as Toby needed to be honest with her it killed him to see her so uncertain and vulnerable.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future,” he said solemnly, before a smirk grew on his face. He pulled her tightly against him, slipping a hand under her shirt as he held her side and thumbed over her stomach. “But I can think of something for right now...”

Happy was glad for him shifting the mood to playful from how heavy it had just been. She smiled and his teeth nipped at her earlobe. As his kisses moved up her jaw, Toby whispered to her. “Can I make love to you?”

She moaned when he began nibbling at that spot behind her ear and Happy grasped the back of his head. “Yes. God, yes,” she breathed.

“I know I'm good, but Toby will do, cupcake.”

Happy _felt_ the smugness radiate off him and rolled her eyes out of habit. But, as he kissed down her body with her shirt thrown to the side, she didn't care. He felt right and like he always was and that was what she longed for all the time.

What she wanted now was all of him - the smug bastard side of him that she loved as much as the sweet and doting side she continued to be surprised by. How he was now, a perfect blend of the two, had her craving more and she needed to have him closer.

This sense of being back to how they were was euphoric and they each wanted to revel in it. Sliding her hands down his sides, she tugged his shirt up. He moved to let her take it off him and then rolled her to her back while her hands rubbed over his chest.

Happy's arms wound around his neck to pull him back to her for another kiss and he gladly obliged. His forearms rested next to her briefly before he wanted her closer and slipped his one arm under and around her back. When he felt her legs lock around his back, he pushed his hips down.

Their next movements were a frenzy as a wanton moan let loose by her filled his ears and the feel of her hands hurriedly undoing his belt led to the rest of their clothes being discarded haphazardly. Then, with full skin to skin contact, Happy cupped his ass and squeezed.

His high pitched squeak was not the vibe he was going for but her giggle to it changed his mind instantly. For all they endured - the good as well as the bad - the comfort and familiarity they continually shared proved that no matter what transpired, they were going to get through it and would be happy again.

Satisfied in this moment was an understatement for them. Every struggle and fight and miscommunication they had to overcome in order to get to right here and now was viscerally felt and the electricity between them was palpable.

She shivered when their eye contact intensified and his fingers dragged down her side. This reaction to his touch and how she sighed at him urged Toby on to bring her as much pleasure as he could.

Each ministration brought them closer and when Happy rubbed up against him, he felt how wet she already was. And the way she grinded her hips told him that she was ready for much more.

But with everything that had just happened with Happy finding the ring and Toby coming home to see her clutching it in tears, they both knew this now held so much more emotion and weight that any of the countless times they’d been together previously.

Pulling back ever so slightly, Toby pressed his nose to hers in an eskimo kiss and whispered again how much he loved her, before nuzzling into her neck and kissing along her collarbone. Happy sighed in content at the feeling, and felt him smile against her skin when he heard that.

“Tell me what you want, babe,” he murmured as he moved back to nipping at that spot behind her ear. Her reply was swallowed by a moan when Toby pushed his hips down harder against hers, but he stopped chuckling when he looked at her and saw the all the emotion that had bubbled to the surface.

“Hap?” He eased off her a little, not wanting to push her into anything if she wasn’t emotionally ready yet. But she immediately pulled him back to her again, though how she cupped his face with one hand while her other came to rest directly above his heart was uncharacteristically gentle of her.

“You,” she whispered, before pulling him down for another kiss into which she poured all the love and emotion she didn’t have the words to say. And at the way he deepened the kiss she knew he understood. She took a deep, shaky breath, wanting to let him know in his language as well how sorry she was, for everything.

Happy knew no amount of words or actions could make up for all she had done wrong by him. Not just with her secret marriage but also all her other behavior that she thought nothing of before but had come to learn now how hurtful it had all been. Especially realizing today how scared he had been of her getting angry at him, which had more often than not led to her taking it out on him physically, and it turned her stomach.

But Toby knew it all and what she was trying so hard to say, of course he did. Shushing her with a gentle kiss to her lips before she could even speak, he told her it was okay. “We’re starting again, remember?” He rested his forehead against hers again. “Let’s move forward from now on?”

He didn’t miss how her gaze flitted back to his bookcase, but fought the urge to glance back at it himself so when she turned back to him she’d see nothing but all the love and hope for their future that was burning in his eyes.

She bit her lip as she nodded, but it turned into a tiny smirk as she moved her hands to grip his shoulders in a way that told him what she wanted in that moment, what they both wanted. He smiled and kissed her again, and her nudging his side with her knee was what they needed to change the mood back to more playful.

Toby slowly kissed down her body, teasing her inner thighs in a way he would before eating her out. But surprisingly, that's not what she wanted right now. Tugging him up and holding the back of his neck, she rasped in his ear. “I want _you_.”

Their unspoken communication was loud and clear and Toby nodded. Everything about Happy spoke to him and the overriding thought he had was how he'd do anything for her and he would never let them get as distant as they had in the months _since_. Sure, he was devastated and angry but even then he'd never been able to push her away completely. And that wasn't fair to either of them, especially her with how much she'd done to show him how she was changing for them.

He poured all the fervor for her into this kiss, pulling her leg over his hip and running his hand down her thigh. His knuckles rubbed along her skin and when his hand reached between her legs, his fingers were slick at running over her center.

Happy’s breath caught at the touch and she whined at how he pulled his hand back. But that brief contact turned into more as his fingers teased her outer lips and he asked if he could warm her up first. “I am the king of foreplay, remember?” Toby grinned.

She laughed softly and her breath caught at the back of her throat when he teased her folds, only for him to slip two his fingers inside her. Happy tightened around them as they sought out her g-spot, whimpering and arching her body into him as she breathed for him not to stop. He had no intention of stopping and was well acquainted with every inch of her, so it took only moments for him to find and rub over the small bundle of nerves that made her clench.

Her clenching turned to bucking and Toby encouraged her to let him take care of her while she rode his fingers. Everything became hazy as Toby wound his other arm wound around her back to hold her as close as possible. With his scruff at her neck and his teeth grazing the sensitive spot behind her ear, he kept his speed steady inside her.

Lustful moans and heavy breaths against his cheek had Toby loving his life, and Happy, as they continued. For added intensity, he circled her clit with his thumb and the different sensations soon had her coming all over his hand.

Sighing, she rested her head on his shoulder and melted more into him as he kissed her cheek. When he  slowly removing his hand, Toby licked each one of his fingers clean. Overcome with passion and need, Happy pushed his hand away to kiss him. He tasted like her and distinctly like him, and they got caught up kissing until the demand for oxygen forced them apart.

“I am so in love with you,” he said softly, brushing back a stray lock of hair that fell across her face.

“Show me?”

“Of course.” Kissing her cheek again, Toby rolled them so he could reach over to the nightstand for a condom.

“Wait.” Her hand covered his and she squeezed it. “Do we really need to use one?”

“What do you mean?” His voice was deliberate with each syllable as he focused on her face. “We've always used them…”

“I know,” she sighed. “But I'm on the pill and we’re absolutely monogamous. I mean, we got tested for crying out-”

He kissed her to stop her rambling and reminded her how he was aware of all those things. Reaching up to hold his cheek, she bit her lip. “Please, Doc? I'm ready for this if you are.”

He didn't know what to say and stared at her as his mind raced. While he loved the idea of being with her without condoms, the rational side of his mind overrode the carnal side of it. His medical training kicked in on instinct and he knew that it was extremely safe for them, not that he’d ever be anywhere but right by her side no matter what resulted. Though at the same time, he didn’t want this to be something Happy only wanted in a haze of emotions he knew she was in right now, where she wasn’t able to think sensibly or beyond the next few minutes.

For once, Toby chose not to say anything until he knew exactly what he wanted to, not wanting anything to come out that could be taken in the wrong way. But for Happy, the unusual silence from him became too much to bear. “It’s okay,” she murmured, letting go of his hand. “I’m sorry, I… I just-”

Feeling her trying to shrink away from him brought Toby back to where they were. “Please don’t apologize, love,” he whispered as he leaned down to kiss her, his thumb rubbing over her cheekbone. At how she was looking up at him with such uncertainty in her eyes, he knew he had to tell her what was holding him back.

“You know I’ll always want to be with you however you want me. But it’s… after what happened a few weeks ago…” he trailed off, and she winced as she remembered how freaked out they’d both been when they realized they hadn’t used protection.

“If you don’t want to take the chance, I get it.” She blinked hard to force away as much as she could of what she was feeling, replacing it all with a smile she knew he didn’t need his training to see right through.

And he didn’t. It killed him to see her like this, but he knew it had the potential to be disastrous if she came to regret what she was asking from him now. But, before he could do or say anything else, he felt her shift from under him and sit up as she reached over to the nightstand herself.

“Hey,” he stopped her gently, holding both her hands in his. “I didn’t say no.” Toby had a small smile on his face that he hoped would make her feel better, but instead she just looked down and her hair covering her face blocked him from getting a read on her.

“I know you’re probably thinking that I’m asking for this on impulse, and maybe I am a little bit. But it’s not something I’ve never thought about before either,” she added the last part softer, and Toby couldn’t hold back the surprised “What?” that he whispered.

Happy smiled nervously as she met his eyes again. “I know things are still rocky and there’s so much we still need to work on.” She tried to fight the urge to glance back at his bookcase again but couldn’t. “And… and I don’t know long it’s going to take or how exactly it’ll be after, but I know that I want it to be with you, Doc. And only you, for the rest of my life.”

The raw emotion spilling from her had him stunned, and he wanted to say something but didn’t know what. Not that she gave him much of a chance as she rambled even more, and that was a tell-tale sign to him how nervous she was and it showed huge improvement that she didn't close off from him either.

Finally seeing how he was at a loss for words, Happy couldn’t help a small smile at how the roles had been reversed with her being the rambling one and him not knowing what to say. Sighing shakily, she squeezed his hands that were still holding hers.

“I really don't want any more barriers between us, Toby. Just this one time if you're not weirded out…” That look in her eyes, a blend of hope and heartbreak and longing, Toby couldn't deny her. He wouldn't.

“Not weirded out, Hap. Just surprised, in a good way,” he whispered, moving his hand back to caress her cheek. “I love you, so much.”

The emotion coursing through her made it difficult to voice how she felt. Swallowing thickly, she nodded and kissed his palm.

Toby saw how this entire situation overwhelmed her and rolled her onto her back. He wanted to take care of her and if she let him, he'd lead them now. After checking that she was okay with that, and her nod of acceptance told him she was, he kissed her neck.

A trail of soft pecks with his scruff tickling her neck elicited a giggle as he moved down. Her breath quickened when his lips brushed across her breasts and he pressed into her side with his hand holding hers.

Happy squeezed it and brought her other hand up to tangle into his hair on the side of his head, needing more contact too. He smiled and murmured how she had a thing for his hair. She tugged at his curls and said she did. “In case it's not obvious for you, Doc. I've had a thing for you for quite some time now.”

“I knew it.” He was proud and pressed more into her when her leg wrapped around his hip and she pulled him on top of her again.

She expected him to retort with a smartass comment but he only held the side of her face reverently and kissed her deeply. Happy moaned into his mouth, her body arching to get even closer. “Enough teasing, cowboy,” she breathed into him after they broke apart for air. “Make love to me.”

Toby smiled so widely only to gulp at feeling Happy palm him. She kissed his shoulder as her hand rubbed his balls. He groaned when her fingers moved to stroke his cock, her thumb catching the precum leaking from his tip.

At seeing her clean her thumb with a moan, he basically growled and took her hands in his, pinning them over her head as he settled on top of her.

With Happy's eyes wild and full of love, she leaned up to nip under his chin. Toby easily settled between her legs and she felt his length tease her outer lips.

This was a position she loved and pressed her hips into him. She also murmured that she was in no need of stalling. “I'm ready if you are, Doc.”

The desire in his eyes was obvious yet the worry found its way to the surface only to melt at how she looked at him. “I'm ready,” his voice was raspy but he needed to vocalize rather than nodding.

“Good,” she told him with a smile, her one hand on the side of his face to brush through his curls and leave her fingers tangled in his hair. “I can't wait to feel all of you.”

He groaned, which was exactly what she expected and bent her knee up. He took no time in sliding one of his hands down her body to hold the back of that bent leg. His thumb rubbed over her thigh before it  moved between her legs. When she brought her other knee up, Toby smiled softly and kissed her as he got closer to her center.

“I love you,” he breathed.

“I love you too.”

Hearing her say those three words warmed his heart and he kissed her cheek, whispering how she made him so happy. She smiled and held his face urging him to keep going. After all they've gone through to get to this moment, she wanted to revel in this feeling and kept her eyes trained on his. Usually she closed her eyes, at the beginning of their relationship it was because the increased intimacy smothered her to the point of being too much.

Now, however, all she wanted was to lose herself with the man she loved more than life itself. He beamed at how she looked at him and used one of his hands to guide himself between her folds. Toby watched her expression transform as he pressed into her and the raw feeling of his skin dragging along her skin.

Happy audibly gasped when his head filled her. “Keep going,” she moaned.

There was no way he'd stop now as just this felt incredible and he needed more as well. “Never,” he murmured, shifting so that he could hold both her hands over her head again.

She had been holding her breath in anticipation for more and when he laughed, she exhaled sharply and tilted her head. “What?” she breathed.

“I can't believe we're doing this.” The way Toby bit his lip was adorable considering the position they were in.

But she only cared about him. “We are. And I really want to continue this.” She slid her hands down his back and gripping his hips, giving him a squeeze and smiling so brightly that it lit up the room.

Both laughing at how excited yet uncharacteristically awkward they felt about this next step, she nodded. “Come on, Doc. We're ready for this.” She urged him on by clenching her inner muscles around him and smirked when he gulped, the slight twitch of his cock felt against her inner walls.

Now Toby nodded and he took one of her hands in his and held it over her head before resting his other hand next to her head. With another soft kiss to her lips, he slid in deeper. It was intoxicating and Toby grunted when he was fully inside of her.

Happy's legs wrapped back around him to pull him even deeper in if that were possible. Fully connected, pelvis to pelvis, it was all so familiar yet also brand new at the same time. And it was new, him nestling inside of her without any barrier, physical or emotional.

They settled into one another and her fingers wound through his curls, a desperate grab to eliminate what little space was between them. Toby buried his face against her neck, kissing there while they found their rhythm. The way Happy felt so warm and wet and pulsed around him, he rocked back and forth to revel in her.

Pants and moans and their names on the other's lips soon rang through the air only for Toby to slow down. She opened her eyes when his lips pulled back from her cheek and gave him a look. “What are you doing?”

“Trying something different, love.” He brushed a lock of hair behind her ear and kissed the tip of her nose while he moved his knees to rest outside her hips.

With Toby now straddling her in a push-up position, she wiggled to feel how snug he was inside her. Grasping his shoulder, the feeling built up. He grinned and silently willed himself to hold out as long as possible, saying that he was going to start moving again.

When she nodded eagerly, he didn't bother biting back his sly grin as he thrust slowly. Toby was able to get even deeper with her legs between her and an added bonus was being able to brush against her clit with each push as he buried himself deeper and deeper within her.

The air was thick with competing emotions, love and lust and overriding passion, and the entire room smelled of sex. Not just any sex, but the kind of sex that made everything before it pale in comparison.

While he held her tenderly, she wound her arms over his shoulder and around his back, her legs shifting in a way that made him grunt as the friction of being without a condom inundated his senses.

“You're holding back, Doc. I can _feel_ it.” She tightened around him in a way that heightened awareness for the both of them.

Now he groaned, she really knew more about his inner thoughts than ever and he agreed. “But I still want you coming first.”

Happy tried to tell him that wasn't necessary when he let go of one of her hands and slipped it between their slick skin to rest above her center. Thumbing her clit, he kissed her nose. “Doesn't mean I won't try.”

She laughed and he smiled that lopsided grin she chose to kiss off his face. They built to climax and Toby quickened his hand, slowing his thrusts and now biting his lip as an orgasm wracked her body and he was close to bursting.

“Move,” Happy rasped, biting his earlobe and he growled. She loved that and then nibbled right under his ear as he thrust deeper and with more force than before.

Happy met each thrust with her hips moving in tandem with his and the push-pull brought her to her second orgasm as he climaxed during hers. When he came, she felt how his cock twitched against her inner walls right before shooting his load. She gasped, her eyes shooting open with pleasure as a softer orgasm ebbed through her.

Grunting, he fell on top of her and pressed a kiss to her neck. She whimpered and he asked if she wanted him to pull out. Happy shook her head and palmed his ass cheeks. “Don't you dare just yet,” she told him, murmuring that she was extra sensitive right now.

“I’m sure you are,” he chuckled lightly, before turning more solemn. “You good?” He asked gently, needing to make sure she wasn’t regretting any part of what they’d just shared.

Her eyes softened and she nodded. “I’m great, Doc. You?” He nodded too, and leaned down to kiss her cheek. She smiled at that, holding the side of his face and rubbing her thumb along his scruff. “I’m really glad we did this,” she whispered, knowing he needed that assurance.

The relief was visible on his face, and he brushed some of her hair off her face. “It was amazing, Hap. Thank you.”

Her brows furrowed slightly in amused confusion, and she tilted her head as she said there was nothing to thank her for. “We’re in a good place for this, aren't we? We just haven’t done this before, intentionally at least,” she laughed a little nervously at the last part, and he nodded resolutely.

“We are in a really good place, Hap.” His smile was so warm and full of love, and they both knew he wasn’t just talking about sex anymore. Happy didn’t know how to respond to that with words, so she did it the way she best knew how.

Running her hands through his curls again, she pulled him down so she could kiss him, wrapping her arms around his neck as he braced himself on his forearms on either side of her. She moaned when he deepened it, and they remained close even as they pulled apart with him pressing soft kisses along her jaw and down her neck.

This was the most open they’d ever been with each other, not just _after_ but also their whole relationship. Things were still far from resolved or perfect, but if this was what they had to look forward to, they both knew that everything they had gone through and would have to go through still would be so worth it.

They continued kissing lazily for a while, reveling in this even closer intimacy and caught in their own thoughts, though the overriding one for them both was how they’d do anything to not ruin this bliss again. Happy shifted a little under him after a while, and Toby asked again if she wanted him to pull out. And this time she acquiesced.

Toby took his time and shuddered when he fully pulled out, missing being surrounded by her warmth. He rested on his side next to her, tracing shapes across her stomach.

“Damn.” Panting, Happy smiled over at Toby. “That was-”

“Incredible. Wonderful. Mind-blowing.” He punctuates each word with a wet kiss across her clavicle. “An absolutely scintillating experience, cupcake.”

She giggled as his scruff continued to tickle her and she held the back of his head. “Also messy…” Happy scrunched her face up as she pressed her legs together.

Toby ran his hand down where her legs were together, asking to see. “Come on, babe. I'm a doctor.”

“Well, the mess is yours,” she smirked, bending her knees so he could feel.

“And yours, Hap.”

She shrugged and he wiped away what he could with his fingers before grabbing for his shirt on the floor to clean the rest and then throwing it back to the side.

“We need to be more careful of that the next time,” she grinned, then laughed as she saw his eyes widen when he heard that.

“Next time?”

She shrugged and pulled him back on top of her. “I’m good with not keeping this a one-time thing if you are.” His mouth was open in surprise, but at her expectant and amused gaze he nodded.

“If you’re sure you’re okay with that…” He asked her again, and she laughed again as she said of course.

He wrapped his arms around her at that to kiss her deeply, then peppered her face with feather light kisses that made her giggle. She stretched languidly under him then, which prompted him to lean down and press a kiss to her stomach. Laughing as his scruff tickled her, she gently pushed him off her as she sat up. “As incredible as that was, I need a shower.”

Toby hummed and shifted off her fully, but held her side to stop her from getting off the bed. “I could use a shower too,” he tried to say it with a straight face, but it broke into a smirk when she rolled her eyes good naturedly. “Can I join you?”

She pretended to think it over for a moment, then grabbed his hand to go with her.  

\---

After a long bath accompanied by two glasses of Happy's favorite red wine, they found themselves back in bed. Sitting against the headboard with Happy snuggled on his chest, he traced circles up and down her back. Neither of them were tired, but going back to bed was too inviting to ignore.

Her ear rested over his heart and listening to his heartbeat had become soothing for her. Something so intimate yet also so innocent. And something she never imagined would make her fall even deeper in love with her goofy best friend who continued to surprise her in all the right ways. And was about to do so again.

“I forgive you.” Toby’s voice broke the quiet they’d found themselves enveloped in again, wrapped around each other peacefully. Happy snapped her head up to look at him, her blinking a “What?” in disbelief this time at what she heard.

“I forgive you, Happy.” He smiled softly at her, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “I know legally speaking things are barely any better than when this whole mess started, but us, you and me? We’re good, babe, I promise.”

Happy’s hands trembled ever so slightly as she reached up to wrap her arms around his neck, squeezing her eyes shut while she buried her face in the crook of his neck.

“Thank you,” she whispered, a few tears of relief and gratitude escaping and running down her cheeks to dampen his neck. “I needed to hear that.”

Tightening his own grip around her waist, Toby rested his chin on the top of her head. “I know, and I needed to say them.” He added how this was it, that all the time and space he had asked for before had been building up to now where he could truly forgive her. “Unconditionally, Hap. We’re back, in every way.”

Happy leaned up and with both hands cupping his face ever so gently, she kissed him deeply. Her tears were ones of relief and gratitude, quickly drying in her eyes as he held her waist and settled her across his hips to her liking while they parted for air.

She settled down further against him when they pulled apart, and grinned when she saw his breath hitch. Resting her forearms against his shoulders as her fingers played with his curls, she leaned into him in a way that could just be interpreted as innocent but also had him yearning for more.

When his grip on her waist tightened and he breathed her name, she knew he was on the same page as her. “You tired, Doc?” She smirked, and he raised an eyebrow as he asked what exactly she meant by that.

“You know exactly what I mean by that,” she whispered low in his ear, nipping at his earlobe. Toby hummed and then suddenly, before she could react, shifted them so she was on her back and he was on his side hovering over her.

Happy gasped at the sudden movement, but it soon turned to giggles as Toby traced up her side. “I’m up for round two if you are,” he murmured against her neck as he kissed along her jaw, and she used that unsuspecting moment to flip them over and straddle him again.

“My turn this time.”

* * *

The sun was already out the next morning when Happy woke up to Toby gently running his fingers through her hair. She was disorientated at first as she was the kind whose internal body clock would wake her up before sunrise no matter how late she’d slept. Until the events of the previous night started filtering back in, that is. She remembered how they both couldn’t sleep for hours after his nightmare and him asking to make love to her to help him forget, too traumatized to close their eyes again. And feeling Toby awake under her, she felt guilty for having finally dozed off again when he had probably remained awake the whole night.

_It seemed like she had only just fallen asleep when Happy woke up to a piercing scream. Sitting up with a start, she saw Toby thrashing next to her. Frozen, she could only watch until instinct kicked in and she knew she had to help him._

_“Toby,” she said softly, unsure if she should touch him or not during a nightmare._

_He whimpered, fidgeting under the sheet and when she heard her name on his lips and the way his face contorted into the most excruciating agony, she didn't care the risk. She had to comfort him and gently rested her hand on his shoulder._

_He flinched, still in his sleep-induced state and she rubbed her thumb over his skin. His head snapped to the side she was on and Happy whispered in his ear it was her. “Wake up, Doc. Please.”_

_Even in his current state, the panic in her voice seemed to rouse him but it took what felt like forever before she saw his eyes open and he looked at her. Seeing her next to him, concern awash over her features, Toby sat up and pulled Happy to him in a crushing hug._

_She sat on his lap and her arms wound up to hold the back of his head, her fingers playing with the curls at the base of his neck. Murmuring how he was safe and she wasn't going anywhere, he exhaled._

_“You want to talk about it?” She asked softly in his ear and he shook his head._

_“It's not real,” he said, more to himself than to her if he admitted it._

_Happy was at a loss for words and didn't know how to respond. What she did know was that she wouldn't let go of him, now or ever._

_Toby's breathing was ragged against her neck and she played with his curls, an action that he nuzzled against her during and she pressed a kiss to his cheek. “How can I help?” she finally asked._

_She felt him shake his head against her shoulder and murmured how it was okay. “You want to sit in the living room? I'll make us some tea. Or pour two glasses of scotch.”_

_“I don't want a drink, Hap.” His voice strained and she told him okay._

_“Food?”_

_He shook his head and said he wanted her. “Can I… can I make love to you?” There was agony in his voice and he blinked, keeping his eyes shut for fear of her answer._

_His hesitation broke her heart and she hugged him. “Of course you can.” Her lips brushed a kiss to his ear and what he wanted to say got stuck at the back of his throat in a choked sob._

_Kissing his jawline, he swallowed and kissed her deeply as he rolled her under him. The feel of his weight on top of her felt heavenly and she bucked her hips up. “Like before?” she asked. “Just us?”_

_“I want that more than anything.” Those words were murmured against her collarbone and he slid down to settle between her legs._

_He took one of her nipples between his lips and sucked, evoking a gasp from her and her hand at his neck urging him to continue. His other hand kneaded her other breast and then he switched, taking his time to make sure she was fully aroused before going further. Toby felt her wet under him and his fingers grazing over her folds had her opening her eyes._

_“I'm ready when you are,” she breathed._

_Telling her he was too, he easily guided into her and the way she molded around him was all he could think of. Happy felt the way Toby gripped her tighter than usual and wrapped her arms and legs around him in return._

_There was a melancholy air around them despite them both wanting this. As he thrust, she felt how he seemed to be holding back somehow. Toby moved above her into plank position and while his thrusts were gentle, his face showed far too much concentration than she thought it should._

_“Hey.” Her hand on his face broke his stare and he focused on her eyes. “You want me on top, Doc?”_

_Toby shook his head and asked if this was too much for her. “I'm sorry.”_

_“Don’t be,” she smiled. “But you're pretty deep in thought though for being pretty deep in me.” She chuckled at her own double entendre, and when he didn't so much as flash her a brief grin, she knew he was more upset than he was willing to admit._

_Happy moved her legs from around him to rest her feet flat on the bed and squeezed his sides. “What do you need?” Her fingers splayed across his neck and he closed his eyes, leaning into her touch._

_Then, he half collapsed with one arm now prone next to her and sighed. “I don't know how I feel about using sex to get out of talking…”_

_She bit her lip. “Well, that's been my M.O. for years and we're doing well.”_

_“I'm serious,” he said, the whine clear._

_“Do you,” she started slowly, “want to just stop?”_

_Toby shook his head and she said okay, the realization hitting her like a ton of bricks that he needed this control to feel better after what she only imagined was a traumatic nightmare._

_She wrapped around him completely again and kissed under his ear. “I know this feeling, Toby. You don't have to be so gentle with me. I won't break.”_

_“What do you mean?” he asked, curious._

_“I mean, that when you're feeling how I can only imagine you are, losing the restraint helps clear your head. Do you want to get rough with me?”_

_“I'm not hurting you, Happy.”_

_“You won't,” she assured him. “But I know you and I can see your mind spinning. Forget the nightmare and focus on me. Do you want me?”_

_He chuckled. “That's not even a question and you know it. I always want you.”_

_“Good,” she smirked. “Now show me.”_

_Still unsure, Happy took the lead and her hand cupped his balls, his yelp and how his cock twitched letting her know he could._

_“But my balls can't take that so let's bring that hand up to mine, okay?”_

_“Whatever you want,” she breathed in his ear, her inner muscles flexing around him and forcing out the weak control he had as he pushed himself to where their hipbones touched and she cried out being filled so deeply._

_Pausing, she urged him on by grabbing his curls in her fingers and moaning loudly into his ear. “I love this, Doc. Don't stop.”_

_That encouragement was all he needed and he kept thrusting, deeper and pulling his hips up to ensure he brushed her clit with each stroke. No matter what else was on his mind, her pleasure and enjoyment forever stood at the forefront for him._

_The direct stimulation for her clit had her in the throes of an orgasm soon. She writhed underneath him and the rest of the world melted away and it was only the two of them._

_The way she cried out and closed her eyes in pleasure, Toby kissed her neck trying to keep from coming too soon. He normally could hold out for his release until she came at least once, but, tonight was not one of those nights._

_He told her when he was about to come and her only response was to moan his name, its two syllables dragged out and he was done for. The way his cock shuddered inside her before he came had her rolling her head back in pleasure._ That _was a feeling she couldn't get enough of now that she knew it._

_Breathing heavily, he fell next to her fully spent. When he pulled out, it was in one semi-awkward movement._ _Happy panted in his ear and closed her eyes when she felt his tears._ _She traced patterns over his chest and asked what more she could do to help him. But he shook his head, forcing the tears back and choosing instead to turn to his side so he could wrap himself around her and hold her tight against him, burying his face in her hair._

_“Just be here.” It came out as a strained whisper. “All I need is to know you’re okay.” He seemed to freeze just then, though one hand moved down to hold her side and thumb over her hip. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”_

_“Of course not, I know you never will,” she assured him and nuzzled more into him. “And you know I’m not going anywhere. But don’t stay away from now on? I don’t want you to have to go through this alone ever again.”_

_He exhaled shakily as he agreed, and started apologizing again for keeping her at arm's length before she shushed him gently with a soft kiss. “We’re starting over, remember?” She smiled up at him, feeling relief wash over her as he returned it. “You’ll be okay, Toby,_ we’ll _be okay. You can trust me from here on out, I promise.”_

_“I know I can,” he brushed his lips over her temple. “I love you so much.”_

_“I love you, too.” B_ _ut she didn’t know what else to say to help him, so she kissed under his ear, nuzzling into his cheek as her way of saying again that she was there for him._ _"Did this help?" she asked quietly after a while and he nodded, leaning over to whisper a soft thank you._

_"Oh," he breathed when he noticed how she was pressing her legs together, reaching down to grab his shirt again to clean up the mess. "Sorry, love."_

_"It was worth it,” she smirked. “Though we need to start keeping old shirts or towels in the nightstands now for just after sex." He managed a small smirk himself at that, and she squeezed his hand as she sat up. “I need a quick shower, join me?”_

Squeezing him in a quick hug, she rolled off Toby’s chest enough to look at him and give him a sleepy smile that he returned. “Hey.”

“Good morning, love.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead, though his smile turned into a small sigh when he saw her eyes burning with questions she was too afraid to ask. He seemed to be back in a good place in the morning, and Happy didn’t want to risk that by asking him more about his nightmare and how he was. “I’m okay, Hap, really. Or at least I’m used to it now.” He added wryly.

“Toby…”

_After they showered for the second time last night, Toby held her tightly and she curled around his body holding him herself. He still wouldn’t talk about his nightmare and she didn’t push. The last few months_ since _had been a rollercoaster and it all came crashing down when she found the ring. But they didn't implode, rather it solidified what they fought for and strived to become. For now, holding one another, everything else seemed trivial._

“I was thinking of playing hooky today though, if you don’t mind.” He looked her, and she glanced over at the clock before nodding and snuggling back into him.

“We’d be late even if we bothered to go in, so, let’s not,” she smirked. “Walt’s gonna kill us though.”

Toby shrugged, having never cared about Walter’s rules to begin with. “Just tell him we needed a mental health day, I think I’m more than qualified to say that.”

Happy laughed as he pulled her even closer, but her reply was cut off by her phone starting to ring. With the ringtone they’d both dedicated to the garage and Walter’s phone so they wouldn’t even have to look at the caller ID to know to ignore it, specifically on days like this.

“Speak of the devil, and the devil will call.” Toby muttered, his grip on Happy only tightening. Not that she was going to answer in the first place. The call ended soon enough, and they just relaxed when it started ringing again.

Groaning, Toby reached over to grab his phone with Happy raising an eyebrow at him. “He’s calling _my_ phone, genius,” she teased, to which he proudly replied he’d learnt by now that Walter would be calling him next.

“Which is why I’m preemptively putting my phone in airplane mode and then turning it off. Harder for him to remotely turn it on again if… ” He trailed off as Happy’s phone stopped ringing only to immediately start again, and frowned. “Why is he calling you three times in a row? What happened to Einstein’s insanity quote about repetition?”

Happy shrugged. “I should answer and see what’s wrong.”

“Hell no,” Toby tossed his phone back onto the side table before pulling Happy close and he nuzzling into her hair, smirking at how she went along with it without protest. But, a few seconds later her phone dinged with a new text, and he groaned as she reached over to grab it.

“I don’t have my read receipts on, we’ll just pretend we didn’t see it.” She reasoned, and Toby’s sleepy mumbling how much he loved her evil ideas was muffled as he flopped onto his stomach, face first into the pillow.

He looked up a few seconds later when she didn’t respond, concerned when he saw small panic markers starting to show themselves. Propping himself up on his forearm, his question of if everything was okay died on his lips as he read the text over her shoulder.

_‘Got our first solid lead on Dylan, come in asap.’_

* * *

* * *

**_There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief, and unspeakable love._ **

**_\- Rumi_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because it took us longer to write and we agonized over certain parts of this chapter, we'd really appreciate reading what your thoughts and favorite parts were =D 
> 
> As always, if you have the time, comments give us life <3


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is one of our longest at almost 17.5k words and we thank you for being patient with us posting it. We explore how Happy and Toby navigate the new information about Dylan as well as how they cope with being closer to that divorce they both so desperately want.

**_I didn’t want the easy kind of love, I wanted the crazy love, the kind of love that created and destroyed all at the same time._ **

**_\- Julie Murphy_ **

* * *

* * *

_ ‘Got our first solid lead on Dylan, come in asap.’ _

“Toby, wait.” Happy reached out to hold both his hands in hers, stopping them both just a few feet from the door to the garage. It was the first time she’d spoken since they’d read Walter’s text, apart from agreeing quietly when Toby said it might be better for them to head in after all, and he squeezed her hands as he waited for her to find the words. “Look, I don’t know what Walt has, or how much, but I… if it gets too much, just do what you have to do, okay? I understand and it won’t be something I pick a fight over.”

Toby was floored by what she just said. He had expected her to ask him for reassurance or maybe even confess something she’d still been hiding even after all this time, but he never thought it would be this. For her to essentially tell him that it was okay if he wanted to get mad and distance himself from her again.

“That’s not going to happen,” he promised her, and she was almost overwhelmed by the sincerity and love in his eyes. “I meant every word I said to you last night, Hap. I’m never leaving your side again.”

“But-” She tried to counter, and he shushed her gently and pulled her closer.

“We deal with this together, no matter what Walter found. We’re a team, remember?” She all but fell into him as she wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face into his chest, and he tightened his own arms around her. “It’s you and me, love, always. Okay?”

She sighed shakily as she nodded against him, and he knew she was on the verge of tears again. “Hey,” he kissed her temple, and she finally looked up at him again. “Let’s go in there and get through this as fast as we can, hmm?” She nodded again and he kissed her forehead.

“Plus, you know Walt gets pissy if we take too long, and you probably don’t want me going into detail of why we overslept.” He winked at her and she couldn’t resist the small smile tugging up at the corner of her mouth. Smiling warmly, he kissed her ever so lightly and whispered how much he loved her before gently guiding her towards the door.

They barely had their bags set down when Walter had them all gather together. “So… I know this is-” 

Before he could continue Paige cut him off. “Awkward. Yes, Walter, this is. But since we need to do this, let’s approach this as we would any other case. Good?” 

Walter smiled gratefully at her and nodded, regaining his authoritative tone.  “Right,” he cleared his throat , still somewhat  uncomfortable , before connecting his laptop to the monitor tree. “So, my tracking all major international ports paid off, I just got a ping of his passport being logged into immigration at AMS.”

“AMS?” Paige asked, and Sylvester supplied that it was the IATA code for Amsterdam Airport Schiphol.

Toby turned to Happy as he gently asked her if that would be likely for Dylan, and she shrugged but nodded that it would be in character for him to be backpacking across Europe after Greece. 

“And just to confirm,” Walter turned to Happy, his eyes conveying a level of apology hardly seen from him otherwise. “That  _ is _ him, right?”

He switched one of the monitors to a recording from a security camera at ASM, and the already solemn atmosphere of the garage became even heavier as a deadly silence settled in with all eyes on Happy. 

The coloring of the image was far from the best, and Walter needing to zoom in made it slightly blurry as well,  but the man on screen was easy to make out. 

Everyone held their breath as they waited for Happy to answer, nobody sure of how she'd react or what she'd say. 

“Yeah,” Happy replied stiffly, her eyes everywhere but the screen itself after that first glance. Even Walter seemed to realize it was better to take a break from this and come back to it later. So he smiled at her as comfortingly as he could, saying that he’d monitor any further updates and let them know in time. Paige took that as her cue to motion for the others to scatter, knowing the last thing Happy would want would be for them to surround her now no matter how well-intentioned they might be. 

Happy nodded at Walter and mumbled a  _ thanks _ before grabbing a few tools from her desk and walking off to her back workbench. Toby tried to intercept her by gently squeezing her hand as she passed him, but he only got a small smile before she pulled her hand out of his grip.

She did, however, motion for him to follow her and they disappeared into the back of the garage. Toby saw how tense she was and she startled him when she launched at him for a crushing hug. 

He caught her, albeit with a few stumbling steps before he secured his footing. Murmuring into her hair, he rubbed her back in silent reassurance until she pulled back moments later. 

“I'll be fine,” she told him, looking up and nodding. 

“Fine?” Toby reminded her what Rizzuto told them about  _ fine _ . “You know how I feel about that quack but he made a point.” 

“Toby,” she breathed out, stopping him from rambling into a psych tangent. “I'm alright. Not okay but finding him is what's needed to a divorce.” Her voice lowered and she leaned against the chainlink in what they came to see as  _ their spot _ in the garage. Running her hand through her hair, Happy took a deep breath. “Before I know I said it's okay if you pull away…” 

“You want to pull away,” he stated softly. When their eyes locked she didn't see anger or disappointment as she had anticipated, but rather a sadness at how she still felt a need to withdraw. 

“I don't want to.” She reached out for his hand and squeezed. “But it's what I'm used to.” 

“Tell me what you need, Hap, and it's yours.” 

Without another word, she stood up on her toes to kiss him. It was desperate and her hands held his face as she deepened it. He felt a sorrow from her that never laced their kisses before and wrapped his arms around her tightly as if to pull that from her to himself. 

Despite being at work, Happy pressed her body into him to feel as much of him as she could at the garage. Her mind spun with how quickly information of Dylan now came in and being in Toby's arms shushed the gears for her to breathe freer. When they pulled apart, the both of them panted lightly for air. 

They heard Sly squeak at seeing them but he scuttled off before they saw him when they glanced over in his direction. Sighing, Toby said they should get back and she reached out to hold his arm. 

“We're good?” she asked. 

He smiled small and said they were. “I love you.” Leaning down to whisper those words in her ear, he kissed her cheek. “Do what you need to do, babe. I'll be here.” 

Their little bubble got popped when he watched her walk to her workbench and get out her welding helmet. Toby knew that was her signal to be left alone and nobody dared interrupt her with a blowtorch in hand. 

Sighing, he turned to head back to his desk, resigned to spending another day buried in his reading material. He sat down heavily, playing with the edge of a journal that was within reach he didn’t notice Paige walking over to him.

“Hey.” Toby looked up to see Paige hovering in front of his desk, and Sylvester trying to subtle about eavesdropping. “How are you holding up?”

“You know you usually ask that question after someone dies, right?” He knew that he was falling back to his defense mechanism of snark and sarcasm, but the truth was he didn’t quite know how to answer that question. 

“I’m serious, Toby.” Her mom instincts were kicking in, but this time it was pure concern rather than the exasperation she felt all too often with them. “I know you’re putting up a brave front for Happy, but this can’t be easy on you either.”

He sighed heavily, but caught himself before he could say anything. Paige saw right through him though and continued looking straight at him as she waited expectantly for a proper answer. 

“It’s weird, okay?” He admitted finally, albeit in a hushed tone and glancing over to the back to make sure Happy wasn’t within earshot. “And it probably hasn’t quite hit me yet because honestly I don’t know what I’m feeling. Or what  _ to _ feel.”

Paige nodded, glad that she got him talking as she pulled a chair over to sit down. She then asked him what he expected he would feel. 

“She doesn’t need to know any of this, okay?” Toby knew he had to set the ground rules before saying anything further. Paige always meant well but sometimes she did what she thought was best without realizing the geniuses have a very different definition of that. She nodded, swearing that it would only be between them and that he could tell her whatever was on his mind.

“You, and Mr. Superhero Pants over there,” Toby narrowed his eyes at Sly who suddenly became very interested in a bottle of hand sanitizer. “It’s a good thing we’re working for Homeland and not the CIA, we’d get made within five seconds of every mission.”

Paige shot Sly a  _ look _ , and he immediately raised his hands in surrender before wandering off to find Walter, whispering an apology to Toby on the way. And then she turned back to Toby to say the coast was clear and he had no way out now so to please talk with her.

Toby stared over her shoulder at the now-blank monitor tree that had just been showing Dylan passing immigration at Amsterdam, and in his mind that image was practically burned into the LCD display. “It’s all so…  _ real _ now, you know?” He was more thinking out loud than talking to Paige, but she took it. “I mean, I knew it was real since… well, you know. But actually seeing him and putting a human face to what I’d been approaching as a trust issue between us first and a legal problem second…” 

“- exactly! That’s exactly what I tried to tell him. But Walter’s got him convinced, so you know it’s pretty much a lost cause now.” Paige interrupted out of the blue, and Toby was beyond confused for a moment till he saw Happy coming back into the main area.

Nodding a wordless  _ thank you _ to Paige, he played along in what he hoped was a convincing act. Not that Happy would have noticed anyway. She didn’t respond when he called out to her, and he knew it wasn’t because she was ignoring him but rather that she was so spaced out that it didn’t even register.

With Happy back under her welding helmet, Toby yielded his efforts to get her attention and closed his eyes.  

Paige reached out to rest her hand on his and spoke up again after Happy disappeared into the back once more. “If you two want to cut out early, I’ll cover for you.” 

Toby shook his head. “Thanks for the offer, but I think it’s best to just give her space for now, you know? When she’s focused on work it takes her mind off everything else, it’s better for her.” 

Paige nodded in understanding, but before she could say anything in response, Toby grinned, though it wasn't as bright as he usually was. “Besides, I promised Ralph we'd work on training Bueller more tonight.”

“Okay,” she returned his grin as she stood up, “but when I tell him it’s time to go home, you don’t get to argue with me.”

Toby sat up straight to mock salute. “Yes, ma’am.”

* * *

“Doc?” Happy blinked as she stepped out of the bathroom to see him up and pulling on a pair of running shorts. “What are you doing, why are you up?”

“I set my alarm to get up so I can go for a run with you,” he replied simply, continuing when he saw her bite her lip and look down. "I like running, and it's been awhile since we've gone together."

_ Toby sighed when he woke up to an empty bed yet again. Happy had been slipping out the past few days to go running by herself, not even trying to wake him up to go with her as they’d been doing for the past few weeks. He loved having something they could do together that wasn’t work for staying in, but now having her disappear on him before sunrise every morning, he couldn’t help but be brought back to that night after the hospital gala when she had first left him in the middle of the night.  _

_ It wasn’t as bad as that, thankfully. These days she’d always come back for breakfast- either something she grabbed on the way or would cook with him- and they got ready and go to work together too. But it was still taking a toll as he knew she was going through an emotional rollercoaster and wanted so bad to be there for her, but she wasn’t letting him in.  _

_ He had showered and just finished getting dressed when she came back, smiling at him as if nothing was wrong. “Had a good run?” He asked, fighting to keep the bitterness back that was once again creeping into him, and she nodded wordlessly before slipping into the bathroom.  _

_ They made pancakes together when she got out, and while their playfulness while cooking was still there, he could feel that there was so much she was holding back and not telling him. And it hurt. _

Happy pressed her lips together but said okay, and just smiled tightly when Toby pressed a kiss to her forehead as he walked past her to grab his shoes.

Their run wasn't as lively that morning even though they ran a tried and true five mile loop. Happy stayed a few feet ahead of him, mostly because he enjoyed the view. He could easily lengthen his stride to overtake hers but he didn't have the energy for a fight. They were distant enough. 

Neither of them were winded when they got back home and both agreed to have a quick breakfast before showering and heading off to work. 

“The omelette was delicious, Doc,” she told him. Setting her plate in the sink next to his, she hopped onto the counter and swatted at his ass as he washed the dishes. 

He smirked over at her and said her legs were blocking the dishwasher. “I’m just rinsing these off.” 

“Better?” She brought her legs straight up and rested them over her right shoulder. 

Toby closed his eyes, swallowing tightly at how utterly  _ hot _ that was. “Better,” he squeaked. It was quick work moving them and she kept her legs up the entire time. 

“You want to shower now?” Her legs shifted to his shoulders and her heels pulled him closer. “Maybe a cold one, by yourself?” she added, closing his mouth with her index finger. 

“Oh, no, no, no.” His fingers wrapped around her ankles and he kissed along her hairline. “If you want to use your body to distract from us talking, I’m more than willing to play along.” 

“You play along because you’re a perv,” she retorted. 

“Takes one to know one, kitten.” He closed in on her and her hands grabbed his sides tickling him. “No fair,” he whined, all tangled in her as she wrapped around him to kiss his neck. 

“Are you complaining?” She slid her hand down his shorts and pinched his hip. “Because you’re more than welcome to shower on your own if you don't like it…” 

“Not a chance in hell.” Toby growled, an effort to mask another squeak before lifting her up. “Showering with my vixen of a girlfriend is too good to pass up.” 

He kept her in his arms while he adjusted the water temperature and she had one hand down the front of his shorts and the other in his curls as she nipped up at his neck. 

Quickly shedding their clothes, Happy backed into the shower and jumped up on him again. It was effortless being this way, so connected despite how little they talked of the  _ big _ things. It’s how they always were, that unspoken communication bonding them before their friendship truly cemented and blossomed into what it was now. 

She murmured in his ear, voice thick with longing, how in love with him she was. “Let’s show each other?” 

Toby grinned and they maneuvered so he was able to guide himself into her. Her gasp at him sliding into her was sinful, Toby burying his face at her neck overcome at how warm and tight she was. He sucked a hickey at her clavicle well above where her usual shirts would cover it but she didn’t care. If it showed later, that’s what concealer and high neck jackets were for. 

Neither one of them said anything as he thrust up, a mingling of shuddered breaths and curse words filling the steamed air around them instead. Happy cried out in pleasure when the angle she wiggled down into allowed him to get deeper and he brushed over her g-spot. 

Clawing at his back while hers slid over the slick tile, he sped up as this was  _ not _ meant to be more than a quickie. 

She was almost at climax and their closeness gave her the right amount of clitoral stimulation to have she come, forcefully, and digging her knees into her sides as she rode it out. He didn’t need any further coaxing and came with a grunt, falling forward and leaving open-mouthed kisses to her shoulder. 

“Oh, I love you,” he whispered heavily. For as much as he didn’t know how much longer he could take the emotional rollercoaster they were on, moments and orgasms like this had him forget why. 

Happy held the side of his head and kissed the shell of his ear, needing a minute to come down from her orgasm before washing up. 

It was a cross of arms and a careful two-step as they washed off. He massaged the shampoo into her scalp before she rinsed and she made sure to coat his scruff with some conditioner to keep it soft, easy glances exchanged while the water ran down their bodies. 

The water was still warm when he turned it off and she wrapped herself in a towel, handing one to him when he stepped out. 

“I know that you want to talk,” she said while towel drying her hair and finding his eyes in the mirror. “I’m not ready yet, Doc. But I’m here and not going anywhere.” 

Instead of spouting off a psych diagnosis or waxing poetic at her assurance, Toby simply bent down to capture her lips in a deep kiss and held her face. 

It was impossible for her not to notice him employing her classic technique of deflection and was overcome with a sweeping melancholy in her chest. But, she knew how she retreated to that same defense mechanism herself and didn’t push. Instead, she deepened the kiss as her silent way of saying she understood. 

Broken apart not by a shared need for oxygen but Walter’s special ringtone, Toby flashed her a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Work calls, literally.” 

Happy huffed a laugh and nodded. “I need ten minutes and the I’ll be ready to go.” 

He said sure and answered his phone. “You know, boss,” she heard him say. “If you had called five minutes ago…” 

* * *

“Third day that I’ve noticed Happy slip out early.” Toby jumped as Paige spoke up suddenly from behind him, while he watched Happy pack up and leave the garage. “Where’s she going?”

“Well,  _ I _ am going to  _ die _ if you keep giving me heart attacks like that,” he snarked back, and she brushed him off as she sat herself down on the edge of his desk. But then he sighed as they watched Happy close the front door behind her. “To her dad’s, working at his shop helps to clear her head without anyone asking too many questions." 

Paige could tell there was more, and motioned for him to continue. “And I have no problem with that, of course not. But I hate how it feels like she’s closing off from me again, you know?”

She nodded slowly, having noticed that Happy had stopped being as receptive to Toby’s affection at work as she’d started to become after the initial explosion of her marriage bombshell. “Even at home?” she asked. 

He said not as much but it wasn’t the same. “I get that it must be hard for her, especially as we haven’t gotten anything new in almost two weeks since Walter found Dylan at AMS. And however she needs to get through this, I can’t begrudge her doing that. But…”

“But you also wish her way to get through this would include you more?” Paige supplied, and Toby exhaled shakily as he admitted it. She could only offer him a comforting smile as she patted his shoulder, and realized at the way he was staring emptily at Happy’s workbench that it would be best if he got out of the garage and into a new environment. “Want to grab some coffee?” She asked, grinning as Toby raised an eyebrow at her. “Somewhere a little fancier than Kovelsky's though, fresh air will do you some good. There’s this great little cafe Tim used to take me and Ralph to.”

-

“You have  _ got _ to be kidding me,” Toby muttered as Paige dragged him into an open-air cafe, toward a table where Rory was already sitting and waving cheerily over to them. “You invited him too?”

“He was more than glad to join us for coffee,” Paige grinned, nudging him into a chair and sitting on his other side so he was trapped between her and Rory. He sighed heavily and said he wasn’t in the mood for an intervention.

“This isn’t one,” Rory smiled even as Toby narrowed his eyes at him. “We’re just friends talking.”

“Just like before?” Toby snapped. “The time you two barged into my home with wine to ‘just talk’? Please tell me we’ll at least remain sober this time so you don’t have to hide your buzz from Ralph, again.” He turned to Paige, who rolled her eyes. 

“I wasn’t  _ badly _ buzzed,” Paige maintained. Rory shot her a reassuring look and she smiled. “Anyway, Toby here does know how to hold his booze intake.” 

“I remember.” Rory’s eyes twinkled as he recounted the first time he came across sixteen year old Toby drunk on a pinched bottle of rum from a frat party. “Back then it was worse as he was this skinny little thing. Also underage, so, not ideal.” 

“Like you didn’t get blitzed before you were 21,” Toby mumbled into his coffee. “And do we need to relive memories that I don’t need to relive?” 

“No.” Rory’s eyes twinkled. “We could discuss more current ones if you’d indulge us.” 

Toby scoffed and Paige grinned at how Rory seemed to know exactly where to get Toby to open up. 

“We can start if you want,” Paige offered, still grinning. “Just last week, I-”

She was interrupted by a waitress coming to take their order, and when she left Toby spoke up first before Paige and Rory could tease him any further.

“I already know pretty much everything about your life, Paige” Toby reminded her, and turned to Rory saying how his was mostly about work so nothing much new either. But he regretted it immediately when he saw Rory’s brighten up at that.

“Exactly. You’ve got the most exciting life here, Toby.” He enthused, and Toby rolled his eyes saying it really wasn’t.

“Stop enjoying this. Everything is fucked up again. I'm the world's best psychiatrist and I can't manage my own life. The irony is not lost on me…” He trailed off, but Rory just reminded Toby that he was just as qualified and how sometimes even the best need help so to talk to them.

“You might be as qualified, but I’m still smarter.”

“You’re also a dumbass,” Rory added without missing a beat.

Paige nearly choked on her coffee as Toby muttered how that wasn’t cool. “And don’t get any ideas, Dineen.”

“I’m going to tease you however I want, Toby,” she told him with narrowed eyes. “But I do care about how you’re doing. Both of us do.”

Toby sighed. “I know. If only Happy did…” 

Paige and Rory exchanged worried glances, and she tilted her head a little as she asked why he’s back to thinking Happy doesn’t care when that’s blatantly not true. “Even if she’s not there physically, I’m sure you’re not far from her mind.”

“I need verbal reassurance,” Toby sighed again, heavier this time. “If she cared, she’d realize how I need to get through this just like she does. But, she’d rather hide away at her dad’s than spend time with me. Again. We’ve been so much closer, too. I can’t handle this whiplash.” 

Rory asked if that was all, brushing off Toby giving him a look to shut up. “Come on, Brooklyn, spill. I know all of your tells, remember?” 

“I don’t want to be a nag to her, it’s just that I can feel us slipping again and I don’t want that. And don’t tell me to talk with her because I know that I should, okay? And we talk in our own way,” he grumbled. 

Knowing that Toby was too hurt, even if he wasn’t going to admit that himself, to actually give them anything they could work with, Rory turned to Paige to ask her how Toby and Happy were doing as they closed in on the husband for the divorce.

“Hey! You can’t just use her to circumvent-”

“I wouldn’t need to if you just open up yourself,” Rory shot back, and Paige watched their interaction with wide eyes before clearing her throat to reply him.

“I’ve seen them better,” she told him. “After we found Dylan Happy really closed off. I’m no psychiatrist but she’s avoiding and I’d also say in denial about what’s going on. And Toby keeps oscillating between all five stages of grief.” 

Toby scoffed and muttered why not Paige just take over his job on the team, but when Rory raised an eyebrow at him he looked down and mumbled that she wasn’t wrong. “Happy’s trying to ignore what recently happened and is trying too hard to pretend as if nothing’s wrong and go on with life as normal. And I’m… I wouldn’t say that I’m oscillating between  _ all _ five stages of grief-”

“Just like you weren’t the last time Happy ignored you completely?” Paige raised an eyebrow, and Toby groaned as Rory sat up at that and demanded to know what that was about.

“He was so desperate to get her attention again he signed up for a boxing match and got the crap beaten out of him.” Paige recounted how bad it affected Toby when Happy was pretending to date Chet to hurt him.

Rory blinked as he processed everything, but said they'd get back to that later and for now he wants to know how Toby’s handling it this time.

“It’s not even about Dylan himself.” Toby said how he was glad they were getting closer to finding him so they could finally put all this behind them. “If anything, my stages of grief would be over how Happy and I are getting distant again.”

“And I’m not angry with her,” he stressed. “If anything, the stages I’m oscillating between are bargaining with her to talk to me, and maybe a little depression.” He saw Paige raise an eyebrow at him and sighed. “And a tiny bit of denial.”

“What are you denying, Toby? That your communication is breaking down again?”

“That I fell for you tricking me into this damn interrogation,” he snarked, before looking down and nodding solemnly. “I’m not proud of it, but some nights when she finally comes over I just can’t bring myself to face her, let alone do anything else…” 

_ Hearing Happy knock at his front door, Toby quickly laid down on the couch with a book open on his lap, pretending to sleep. He heard her call out for him but didn’t respond, knowing she’d open the door herself and come in soon enough. And she did, but this time she didn’t gently wake him like she had the previous times he’d pretended to be asleep when she came over the earlier week.  _

_ Pulling the coffee table closer to the couch, she sat down on the edge and set her bag down beside her. “I know you’re awake Toby, please stop pretending.” _

_ He swallowed heavily, then sighed as he opened his one eye and sat up. “Hap-“  _

_ “Why are you doing this?” There was so much vulnerability in her voice. “Were you pretending last week as well?” _

_ He looked down and nodded, too ashamed to meet her eyes even though he did have his reasons, and he knew what she was going to ask next before she even did.  _

_ “Is it because we’ve stepped up looking for Dylan? Is it getting too real for you and you don’t want us anymore?” _

_ The heartbreak in her voice killed him, and he shook his head as he took both her hands in his. “It’s not that at all, Happy. You know I can never not want to be with you. You’re my future, cupcake.” _

_ “But then why... “ She trailed off, not even knowing how to ask him, and he raised both her hands to his lips to kiss her knuckles before answering. _

_ “We’re back to hardly spending time with each other, Hap. It’s like we’re going back to being nothing more than fuck buddies these days and I thought that was in the past.” _

_ “What?” She breathed, shock and disbelief clear in her features. “I don’t think that at all,” she shook her head.  _ _ “Why would you? I know I’ve been at my dad’s a lot more but we see each other at work and always fall asleep together.” _

_ He exhaled shakily, lacing their fingers. “I know, babe. But for me the distance is back whether you meant it to be or not, and I need to talk about it.” _

_ “I never intended to push you away, Doc,” she moved from the coffee table to sit beside him on the couch. “I know we haven’t been spending as much time together outside of work, but it’s just… I don’t know what to think right now, and I don’t know how to talk to you. Which I know is how we got into this entire mess in the first place, and I’m sorry, but-” _

_ “Hey,” He squeezed her hands again to stop her from rambling, cupping her face gently as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Love, I know this has to be incredibly difficult for you. We don’t need to discuss Dylan, but we do need to discuss us.” _

_ She swallowed and nodded, looking up at him as she asked what he wanted to discuss. “Why do you feel you need to pretend to be sleeping when I come over? You know you can just tell me if you don’t want to have sex, right?” _

_ Toby smiled small at her and said he did, but it wasn’t just about not wanting to have sex. “We’re back to hardly talking much anymore, and we only see each other outside of work to have sex or go straight to sleep. I thought…” _

_ “Why not tell me that then?” She asked, knowing he knew full well too that she was deflecting the questioning back to him. But he didn’t comment on that, instead answering honestly that he knew she wasn’t ready to talk, so he didn’t want to push and instead took a page from her book to avoid it. _

_ “I’m not proud of it, I know it’s childish even, but some nights I’d rather us not have sex than it be the only thing we do together, again.” _

_ Happy looked down again and shifted onto his lap, the warmth and safety of his arms around her making her feel so much more secure and willing to open up, though not about what they both needed to talk about the most. “I… we don’t have to only have sex. Can we just cuddle tonight, Doc? I can’t… I need us to be okay even if nothing else is. Please?” _

_ He nodded and ran his fingers through her hair. “I’m sorry for pretending to sleep. I love making love with you, it’s just… it scares me to see us going back to all sex and no talking.” _

_ “Would you be complaining if we talked as much as we have sex?” She dared a small smile, desperate to lighten the mood, and he grinned. _

_ “Well, we do need to work and get some sleep, babe.” His heart warmed as she laughed at that, and he hugged her whispering that they’d be okay. “Can we talk a bit now? I am awake.” _

_ At that Happy bit her lip and looked down again, and Toby kissed the side of her face saying it could be about about whatever she wanted it to be.  _

_ She smiled, grateful that he was taking the pressure off for now at least, but asked if they could talk in bed. “I’ve missed you, Toby. I just want to cuddle in your arms.” _

_ He grinned at that more, slipping his arms under her knees and around her back to carry her to the room as she giggled. Grabbing the first shirt of his that she saw, she quickly changed into it before snuggling down with him under the covers.  _

_ “What are you working on these days, Hap?” Toby asked, playing with the ends of her hair. “My little, snugglebun.”  _

_ Ignoring his new nickname for her, she rested her hand on his forearm. “Mostly helping Ralph build a prototype for his college robotics class. The schematics are all his, and they’re really good too. But you know Paige. She doesn’t want him handling the major power tools just yet.” _

_ Toby laughed as he said that sounded typical of overprotective mama bear Paige, and Happy nodded as she went more into detail about Ralph’s project. He couldn’t quite keep up with all of the technical things she said, but just seeing the way her eyes lit up for the first time in two weeks was enough for him. _

_ “How are you doing, Doc?” Happy changed the subject back to him as she realized he was near clueless about what she was saying. “Have you been to the shelter lately? I’ve been at my dad’s so much I don’t know how you’ve been spending your days…” She looked down, not proud of how she didn’t know what was going in his life as she’d been too absorbed in hers. _

_ He gently lifted her chin up to kiss her to get her to look at him again, murmuring how it’s okay as she’s already got so much on her plate. “I have been going my usual days, and hanging out with Rory some, too. But mostly I’ve been at home, there’s a bunch of new studies and papers out so I’ve been lounging around going through them.” _

_ “And by going through them you mean taking apart every sentence to find something to nitpick on?” Happy raised an eyebrow and Toby laughed loudly as he pulled her closer to him and kissed her temple. _

_ “You know me too well, sugar plum.” _

Paige and Rory shared a glance and Toby snapped that this was told in confidence. With them both assuring him neither would breathe a word of these details, Toby sighed sadly.  “So yeah. We didn’t really get to any of the tough stuff, but at least we talked more than we had in the past two weeks.”

“How  _ did _ she find out you were pretending to be asleep?” Paige asked, and Rory nodded as if to second the question. “And you do not get to call me overprotective.” 

Toby rolled his eyes and then bit the inside of his cheek. “Turns out she’d seen me walking around inside while she was parking, and added it up when I didn’t answer the door barely two minutes later.”

“You do classified missions for the government, but you forgot to close those god-awful curtains of yours?” Rory raised an eyebrow, and Paige couldn’t help giggling as she commented how for geniuses they sure did miss out on the most obvious little things.

“Shut up,” Toby chided them half-heartedly, pushing a piece of his muffin around his plate. 

“How often did you do that?” Rory switched back to more serious. “Pretend to be asleep when she comes over?”

Toby shrugged, telling them it was at most twice before she found out. “Most nights I need to be with her as much as she needs me. It’s only when I see she’s taking it particularly bad at work but still refuses to talk to me that I can’t bring myself to… you know.”

“Has your sex life changed, though? As we know how active it is but not in a creepy way. More an observational way.” Rory was still the concerned friend and psychiatrist, but Paige saw how he was trying so hard to bite back his smirk, as was she.

“What is with you guys and being so excited about my sex life?” Toby shot back. “Just because you don’t have a girlfriend of your own, and you don’t have the gumption to ask 197 out once and for all-”

“Hey!” The both of them retorted, and Toby shot them a look at their spluttered excuses of Rory arguing work kept him too busy for a relationship and Paige saying he knew it wasn’t that easy to be with Walter.

“So you  _ do _ want to be with him,” Toby smirked at Paige, and she blushed as she flustered trying to change the conversation back to Toby and Happy.

“I’m still not going to give you sex-deprived people any juicy details,” he said, ignoring their protests again. “But whenever we are together it’s like always. And after we cuddle for the rest of the night, so-” he kicked Paige lightly under the table when she  _ awww _ -ed. “But communication-wise we were moving forward, and this new information about Dylan has her pulling back. And, really, I think the  _ lack _ of new information since has hit her even worse.”

“She’s afraid you guys might lose him again?” Rory prompted, and Toby nodded. “What can we do, bud? I’m sorry, but really you’re just as stubborn as her, and you’ll feel better if you let us help.”

“You creeps getting the details on our sex life isn’t going to help,” Toby retorted on instinct, but they let it go.

“We can talk to Happy if you like,” Rory offered. “Or just Paige, if she’ll be more comfortable with that.”

Paige nodded, but Toby immediately snapped no. “She’s private and this needs to be between us.”

Rory raised his hands as if in surrender and said okay, but asked how likely it is that they’ll get to have that talk. “And hopefully soon enough that it actually has an effect.”

“Whenever she comes over early enough that we don’t go straight to bed,” it came out almost as a question as he shrugged. “It’s not happening that much as of late though.”

Sharing a side glance with Paige, Rory sighed as he knew they weren’t going to get much more out of Toby that day. “So,” he tried to change the subject but still keep to Toby and Happy. “What was that about Happy pretending to date some guy that made Toby sign up for a boxing match?”

* * *

That night, when Happy knocked on Toby's door, he opened straight away and pulled her into a bear hug.

“You're in a good mood.” She kept her hand on his chest and looked up at him. 

“I had a good day. And now you're here so it's even better.” His grin made her suspicious and he ran his hand under her shirt. “This okay?” He did want to talk but having her in his arms he decided to take a page out of her book and start with physical closeness trusting that they had all the time in the world to talk afterwards. 

Her smirk told him yes and she shrugged her jacket off as she pushed him back onto the couch to straddle him. “You okay with this?” 

Her lips dragged up his neck and hovered under his ear until he groaned  _ yes _ . Then, her teeth latched onto his earlobe until she felt him buck up under her. 

She relaxed, leaning back to res her forehead against his and watch his breath quicken. “So,” she drawled, toying with the collar of his tee, “do you want to take this further or just cuddle for tonight?” 

After their talk when he pretended to be asleep, she was consciously more aware of how they dealt with their intimacy and didn't want to cross any lines. But that worry was in vain as he needed more too. 

“I'd like to talk, but we can do that when we cuddle later.” Nuzzling against her bare shoulder, she arched up to him and ran her fingers to behind his neck. “For now,” he said rubbing his hands up her sides, “my honey bear is frisky and I’m here to cater to her every need.” 

“I like that plan.” Happy guided him to her neck. Her chest rose with each quickening breath and his scruff traveled down her collarbone. It felt so good on her skin and she curled forward to cup his cheeks between her palms. Kissing him, it was deep and full of a passion that he readily reciprocated. 

She had haphazardly untied her boots while he kissed her chest, biting at the cotton that was rudely in his way. Peeling the shirt off, her grin turned to an unwelcome grimace. 

“What?” He stopped immediately and she shook her head. “Cramps bad today, sweetpea?” 

She closed her eyes, him memorizing her cycle wasn’t new but it was still surprising in how gentle and thoughtful he was. “I’m alright, Doc. They’re the usual, I took something before I drove over here.” 

“You want anything else? Chocolate, heat pad-” 

“An orgasm,” she interrupted. 

“Okay,” he smiled, brushing back her hair. “Shower sex?” 

“Yes.” 

Toby stood easily and she stiffened as he walked back to the bathroom trying to get comfortable. Happy grabbed a change of clothes while he started the shower and then joined him with a smile on her lips. 

He knit his brows seeing her forced smile but eased up as she relaxed under the hot water knowing it wasn’t him that had her tense. As the water ran over her body and relaxed her further. Stepping aside for Toby, he wet his hair before leaning down to kiss her. 

They had this dance down pat, his hands reaching behind her thighs to lift her up while she wrapped her arms around his neck to gain purchase as he slid into her. 

He rocked cautiously, not wanting to cause her more discomfort or lose sight of how sensitive she was despite how wet she was. 

But Happy had other thoughts in mind. “Come on, Doc,” she breathed in his ear as her fingers tugged his curls. “Fuck me like you mean it.” 

His eyes widened and she nipped his jaw, murmuring how she knew he had it in him. 

He gulped, “Harder?" 

“Much harder.” Clenching around him, she dug her heels up his back. 

“Like, like,” he stuttered. “Like literally ‘fuck the pain’ away?” 

She said exactly like that. Reminding him how he needed to do most of the work, Toby thrust harder into her and her breath caught. He told her he liked doing this and pulsed into her faster. 

Keening at the sensations bubbling up within her core, her head rested next to his and she clung to his shoulders. Each thrust drove her further up the shower wall and her cries of pleasure reverberated in the tiny space making them think of nothing but the moment they were in together. 

Wanting to bring her that orgasm she craved, he asked if she felt secure before moving his hand to her abdomen. Once she told him yes, his hips drove her up the tiles and his thumb now worked her clit. 

“Don’t stop,” she rasped. 

“Not planning to.” His voice was husky and each move brought him nearer to coming so when his palm pressed above her core and felt himself twitch, she nearly screamed. 

She came first as the first waves of his orgasm overwhelmed her senses and her teeth bit down on his shoulder in an effort to gain more purchase as she rode out the pleasure. Toby’s pleasure at her walls quivering around him drowned out any pain and he shuddered as his climax peaked, coming hard. 

Only when she opened her eyes again did he pull out and set her feet on the tiles. 

Happy stepped back closer to him and hugged him. Toby smiled and kissed her cheek as he asked if it helped. 

“Always does,” she smirked and he returned it before grabbing the detachable shower head and handing it to her to clean up better, then reaching for the shampoo.

Toby stepped out of the shower first when they were done, turning back to hand Happy a towel only to see her playing with his bracelet he had given her.

“You don’t have to keep it on if you don’t want to,” he told her, and she frowned when she looked up at him.

“What? No, Toby, I love it.” She took the towel from him and wrapped it around herself before playing with the bracelet again. 

“I’m just thinking about how t hese things are hardy,” she chuckled, and he grinned in agreement. 

“It sure has survived our numerous near-death experiences better than we have.” 

Happy smiled at that. “Really has gone through a lot, huh?”

“And got through it all. Just like us.” Toby hugged her to him again and rested his chin on top of her head. “I’ll see you in bed, lovebug.”

_ \-  _

“Feeling better, Hap?” Toby put his tablet away as Happy slipped under the covers to sit up against the headboard beside him. She nodded, smiling small, and Toby laid down across her lap as she grabbed her book from the side table to read. He turned on his side to face her and hummed as she absentmindedly ran her fingers through his hair. Kissing her stomach, he murmured how much he loved it when she did that.

She glanced down at him, “Huh?”

“I’ve missed our domestic moments like this,” he said. Feeling her tense up, he reached up to rub his knuckles along her cheekbone. “You know you can always tell me anything, right?”

Happy could only stare at him for a while as it hit her for the first time that he wasn’t immune to the inner turmoil the past few days brought her. He bit back his sigh at the lack of response from her, telling her how it was okay and he was just thinking out loud. She knew her actions were likely affecting him more than the situation itself and set her book down, she sighed heavily as she told him it wasn’t intentional. “I don’t even know how to feel myself, let alone tell you. It’s like I want to scream one minute and then I can’t breath the next.”

“Because what Walt found is too much but at the same time it’s too little to actually find him?”

She nodded, swallowing uncomfortably. “This is almost worse than not knowing anything. And I know the team is trying their best but I also know they’d much rather be doing their own thing and-

The pain in her voice was palpable, and Toby sat up to hug her tight. “I’m not going anywhere,” he promised. 

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, Doc,” she apologized again, thanking him for being honest with her about how things were not okay. She forced herself to meet his eyes, knowing how much that meant to him. “Please help me through this?”

Hearing that twisted his heart and he buried his face in her hair as he said of course. “I’ll do anything for you. But you need to help me help you, sweetheart.”

“I’m freaking out,” she admitted, then smiled a little sheepishly. “And it’s more than a little weird talking about him, especially in front of the team.” 

“It is,” he nodded, “but that’s how we’re going to get through this.” Kissing the side of her face, he asked her to please trust that she can be open with him and to know that he’d never judge her. “What are you freaked out about the most?”

She inhaled sharply and leaned into him as she said it was that she doesn’t know what Dylan is like now. “He was always nice and easy going. But we all change and he might have too. I mean, back then I wouldn’t have been able to recognize who I am now.”

Toby wrapped an arm around her waist, murmuring how everyone changes. “It doesn’t even matter, Hap, whether or not he’s changed. As long as he signs those papers, whatever he does or says will in no way reflect on you. Especially for me.”

Happy nodded and reached for his hand as she told him how back then she had a chip on her shoulder and hated the world, but Dylan’s attention felt nice for a change. “For as long as it lasted, I mean.” Toby felt her shrink away from him a little at that, clearly nervous how he’d react to hearing more about their relationship,  and pulled her back to him to reassure her that nothing regarding Dylan would ever waver his feelings for her.

“I understand that completely,” he assured her, squeezing their interlaced hands. “Especially after all you went through as a kid, you deserved to finally have someone who cared for you. I’m so glad you found someone who was good to you, Hap.”

She smiled small. “He was good to me, but it never felt quite right. Like it was nice, but there was still something missing, you know? I felt even then it wasn’t going to last… unlike with us.” Biting her lip, she finally met Toby’s eyes again as she told him it had felt infinitely more right with them soon after they knew each other. “And that’s before you spilled your feelings for me in Bosnia. I was so hard on you because I felt more, and that scared me.”

Happy could  _ feel _ his smugness, but he managed to tone it down to just a grin as he kissed her gently. “Scary isn’t always bad, you know. You took your time, love, and I’d wait forever for you if that’s what it took.” 

Blushing at the pure adoration in his voice, she looked down again. “I know it’s super messed up, that I didn’t want to give us a chance  _ because _ I felt so much for you, but-”

“But nothing.” He shushed her gently, telling her that the past and how long it took for them to get here didn’t matter now that they are together. “I told you, I would have waited forever,” he reminded her. “And clearly this is so worth it.”

Happy looked at him when he said that. He could see the skeptical  _ “really?” _ in her eyes and knew that she didn’t believe he thought all the pain she’d put him through over the past few months could be worth it. Nodding, he said he meant that even with all that’s happened. “You don’t think I’d fight this hard for something I wasn’t absolutely certain about, do you?”

She could hear his love for her in every word he said, and couldn’t believe she could be so lucky that she was the one he chose to be with and cherish. Turning in his arms to hug him, she whispered into his shoulder that that faith is what she craved. 

“ My love for you is unconditional.” He cupped her face as he said that so he could look directly into her eyes, then hugged her back. “I’ve always longed for stability as well, and being able to have that with you is something I never even dreamed I would deserve.”

Weaving her fingers through his hair to keep him close to her, she said that stability with him sounded amazing. “I’m not perfect, Doc, but for you I’ll always try." 

Having her be so emotionally open with him again was all he ever wanted. Burying his face in her neck, he murmured how she’s perfect to him. “Oh, I love you so much, Hap.”

“And I’m so in love with you, Toby,” she kissed his cheek. He responded by pressing kisses down her neck, and that had her giggling at how his scruff tickled her. 

But he could feel her still tense somewhat, and kissed her forehead. “We’re solid, babe,” he assured her, and she nodded as she said she’ll feel better when this was all over. “I know, love. But I don’t want to wait till it’s all over, let me help you now.” 

“There isn’t much to help me with right now,” she sighed. “I won’t feel better until he signs the divorce papers and we can get back to our biggest problem being someone trying to blow us up and not this. But we haven’t found anything new in almost two weeks and I can’t bear this dragging out for so long.” 

“Whatever I can do to get you mind off all this till we get the papers signed, please tell me.” He couldn’t stop kissing her and his lips brushed over her forehead before pulling back a little and grinning. “I’m sure Walt would love to take on more jobs if you ask him. Then he’d screw them all up and have the rest of us fix his mess so he can take all the credit. You know, the usual.”

Happy laughed at that, saying no thanks. “Saving the world yes, but I don’t think there are many government bodies left we haven’t pissed off already.”

“197 does like asserting his dominance,” Toby commented, and Happy scoffed as that that was the understatement of the year. “Classic megalomania and narcissism. If only I knew him when I was doing my dissertation, he would’ve made a great case study.”

She couldn’t help laughing, he knew she loved it when he would start rattling off his psych stuff, but tonight there was too much swirling in her mind. She told him that she does like having projects to do, but right now what she wanted most was to track Dylan down and finally have the divorce finalized. “It’s like- like a holding pattern and I want out of it. I want to live my life and enjoy it, with you.” 

Toby’s heart broke as he saw how much this was affecting her, and hugged her so tightly whispering that they were enjoying life together. “Plus, we’re also having a lot of fun too,” he smirked. “Holding patterns are there for safety, Hap, so the final approach goes over smoother. You know I’m never going anywhere, so let’s just enjoy where we are as much as we can, okay?”

He could see Happy was still far from convinced or relaxed. But when she nodded and tugged at his hands to pull him to lay down with her, he gladly followed. She cuddled into him, the security of his arms around her one of the few things that could bring her comfort these days, and he pulled her even closer. She draped herself over his chest and held his hand, loving the feel of his warmth and how his scruff tickled her when he nuzzled into her crook of her neck. 

His heartbeat was steady and hers soon beat in time with his as they enjoyed the quiet. With her breathing even, he thought she was sound asleep only to discover she wasn’t when she mumbled back an  _ I love you, too _ at him whispering those words. Smiling, his lips brushed over her cheek to wish her sweet dreams and fell into a surprisingly sound sleep himself. 

* * *

Toby snorted at the medical drama they’d made a habit of watching, even if only so that he could laugh at the errors they made. But when he turned to Happy to snark at this latest mistake, he noticed she was completely spaced out once again. Now with the final touches being put on them going to Amsterdam, Toby knew she was terrified if they lost him again or if he refused to sign the papers. When she didn’t even flinched even as the scene changed to a surgery shown in near graphic detail, he knew it was really bad.

_ “Hey, Cabe brought lunch if you wanna eat,” Toby tried to keep his voice cheerful as he went over to Happy’s back workshop.  _

_ She had gone straight to the back after an uncharacteristically tame, and quiet, drive over from his place to the garage for the third day in a row, and Toby was getting concerned. He had noticed how Happy was starting to retreat back into her shell of isolation and blocking the rest of them out- it was as if the closer they got with tracking down Dylan the more she was intent on keeping to herself- and was desperate for her to know that none of that would change anything between them no matter how it all played out. _

_ “Not hungry,” she mumbled, without even looking up at him. He walked over to rub her back and tell her that Cabe had gotten her favorite, but she just flinched away from his touch like she had in the start of their relationship when she didn’t want the rest to find out. _

_ That hurt, and she must have heard Toby’s sigh behind her, as she set her tools down and turned to face him. “I’m really just not hungry, okay? I’ll grab something later,” she tried to assuage him in a way she herself knew was not fooling anyone, least of all Toby. _

_ “But you barely even had breakfast, just come and-” _

_ “Toby,” she cut him off, her voice sharper than he’d heard in awhile. “I’m not hungry.” _

_ He exhaled shakily as he nodded, knowing that pushing her any further would only make things worse. “Okay,” he forced a smile, leaning down to press a kiss to the top of her head and not missing how she was clearly fighting every instinct to not push him away. “I’ll get the rest to save some for you to have later."  _

_ Even Walter noticed when he came back to the kitchen area alone, inquiring why Happy wasn’t joining the team lunch. But Toby could only muster enough energy to shrug and tell them to let her be, and for once the head genius didn’t protest. _

Now she had her heels kicked up on the seat of the couch, hugging her knees tightly to herself instead of cuddling into his side as she normally would be. He decided to risk wrapping an arm around her shoulder to pull her closer to him, but while she didn’t resist the action she also didn’t make any acknowledgement of it.

“Hap?” He asked gently, and she hummed even as her eyes remained blankly locked on the screen. 

Biting back a sigh, he switched the television off before turning to face her fully. “What I can do for you, love? What do you need?” 

It was only then that she met his gaze, and he was stunned by the intensity of the lost look in her eyes he hadn’t seen since the initial few days  _ after _ . “Oh, Hap,” he exhaled shakily, so desperate to do anything to make her feel better but also feeling so lost and helpless in the moment. “Please, sweetheart, tell me how I can help you.”

For a moment she continued just staring at him wordlessly, then in one fluid movement and before he could react, she moved to straddle him and held his face as she kissed him hard. 

Toby was stunned and only when her hands pulled his up to hold her back did he kiss back. There was a fire in the way she kissed him, a desperation to feel him that showed how much she needed a physical release rather than a verbal one. 

Surprising him with how she read his mind, she nipped his ear before whispering into it. “Talk after, sex first.” 

He wasn't about to argue, mostly because she used her words to communicate her needs and partly because of the growing bulge in his sweatpants. 

His thoughts must have been all over his face as she kissed him again and left her hands on his face when she pulled back. “You asked what I needed,” she breathed. “This is what I need. You.” 

“Done,” he told her, cupping her face to kiss her deeply. She moaned into him and settled deeper onto him. Before they got too comfortable on the couch, she stood and tugged him up. 

Following her lead, she pushed him onto the bed and hovered over him with her hair in his face. He flipped them suddenly and she giggled when he began kissing her neck. 

Their clothes were soon discarded into a heap next to the bed and once skin on skin, Happy's knee instinctively bent up to feel as much of Toby as possible. 

She moaned as he moved down her chest, nipping her skin and leaving soft kisses down her body. “No need to be so gentle,” she said. 

He looked up, not sure what she meant when she elaborated. “Don't hold back, Doc. Get rough with me.” 

Toby faltered and she smiled. “I trust you, and I need  _ more _ right now. Okay?” 

Biting his lip, he leaned into her shoulder. “More than what, me?” 

“No,” she said gently. “I only need you, with no holding back from me. I promise, I won't break. I need to get lost right now and all I want is to do that with you.” 

“How about I go down on you?” 

“Hell yes.” 

He chuckled and nipped the spot behind her ear that she loved. “You're eager, sugar plum.” 

“And you're good with your tongue,” she countered. 

“I'm glad you admit it.” He slid his face down her chest and kissed under her breast, his palm kneading her other one. When she moaned, he rolled her nipple between his fingers and she cried out  _ again _ . 

At her urging he rolled her nipple once more and she arched her back off the bed. “Like I said, Doc, no need to hold back.” 

Feeling more in his element, Toby licked under her breast and switched hands, his lips now leaving the beginning of a hickey on her nipple. She breathed out to move down and he tutted her. 

“This takes time, Hap. I want you dripping for me when I finally get between your thighs.” 

“Damn, I love when you talk like this,” she rasped. 

“I know.” His lips dragged down her chest, hot and open-mouthed kisses making her skin tingle as he teased and shifted his body between her legs. 

But, no matter how she squirmed under him, he kept a languid pace to work her up. Her hips bucked and his mouth moved in tandem, kissing and leaving marks on her hips and down her thighs. 

Her fingers curled tightly in his hair and he chuckled. “You want me here, babe?” His nose nuzzled between her outer lips and she moaned  _ fuck yes _ . 

“Alright.” They started soft, his kisses, all around her lips, licking, kissing, taking the skin between his lips to suck. 

She undulated and he needed to hold her down with his palm flat on her stomach. However, that only turned her on even more as she wiggled. Smirking, Toby snaked his other hand to spread her lips and his tongue darted in. He tasted her dripping juices and ran his tongue up her folds, stopping short of her clit. 

A frustrated whine left Happy’s lips. “Come on, Doc. I wanted rough sex, not torturous sex.” 

He laughed and the promised he wouldn’t torture her. “That much…” As he kep uplicking and sucking everywhere but her clit, her breath quickened and she kept trying to move him up to no avail. 

Then, nearly rapturously, his lips enveloped her clit and he sucked. She cried out and he squeezed her hand. Toby knew how to purse his lips or crook his finger in her to send her into that downward spiral of delicious frenzy. 

His addition of one, then two, then finally three fingers in her dripping center left her breathless and mewling. Every quiver and shockwave he sent through her was felt on his lips and chin. His nose was wet from teasing her clit earlier and her smell overpowered his senses leaving him ravenous. 

Happy wrapped her legs around his head and that felt amazing. He lived for the moments he spent between her thighs and how they were now squeezing him to get him that much closer felt powerful. She was the love of his life, his honey bear, and bring her this level of primal need made him never want to stop. 

But, he had to pull back when her hand at the back of his head pulled him flush into her folds. Toby tilted his head for oxygen and the new angle, plus the loss of contact, had her whining. 

“Easy there, cupcake,” he crooned. “I need to breathe.” 

Conceding, she let her hands fall next to his head as he went back to her clit. All coherent thought left both their minds as her moans, and his reverberating against her, were heard in the room. 

When she came, her entire body broke under him and he didn’t stop as the orgasm ravaged her body. He held her thighs apart and very measurably decreased his fervor as she stilled, her chest heaving and her hands clawing for him. 

He scooted up and Happy held his face against her shoulder, his drenched scruff making her skin damp. Needing to kiss him, she held his cheeks and pushed her tongue between his lips to taste what made him moan so sinfully into her. The mix of her and him was decadent and she bit his lower lip releasing his face. 

“You’re welcome.” His smugness permeated his voice and she scoffed, tracing her toes down his leg and wrapping her arms around his back. 

“That’s exactly what I needed,” she whispered. Her emotions were all over but she knew that for what she wanted, she had to voice them. “Doc, do you remember our first time  _ after _ , against the wall?” 

He nodded, he'd never forget that night. Not only was he rougher than he ever knew he could be, he asked her to leave straight away. And he still wasn't able to forgive himself for that. 

“I…” Happy faltered and the feeling of uncertainty in her voice dissipated when she looked up with her lips turned ever so slightly up. After several long moments of thick silence, she told him how that deeper physicality was needed then and that’s what she wants now. “But it’s different… That was spontaneous and we were both reeling from what was done. You know I like it rougher, but I don't want to lose this new depth that we've found either.” 

As adorable as her rambling was, he cut her off with a soft peck to her mouth and his erection at her hip. “Tell me what you want, and I’ll do everything in my playbook to give you all that and more.” 

“I want you,” she told him, her lips forming a smirk as she shifted under him. Happy brought her arms over her head and beckoned for him to reach up. 

“Hold them up?” He asked, hesitant once more. 

“Not quite, cowboy. Hold my hands  _ down _ .” 

His eyes widened and she laughed. Saying how he’d done it before and that she enjoyed it, she added how they could start slow with that before getting any rougher. She pressed a kiss to his jawline, “Then, if you’re good with it, we can get even kinkier…” 

“Even kinkier?” 

“Yep.” The word popped off her lips and she said if he asked nicely she’d show him her box of tricks. 

“You have a box?” If his eyes could have bugged out of his head, they would have. 

“It’s an expression, Curtis. Don’t get too ahead of yourself now.” 

A pink tinge washed over his cheeks and she bit his neck before rolling him fully on top of her. “Now take my wrists and fuck me.” Her voice rasped in his ear and he growled. “Like you mean it, cowboy,” she added. 

“Oh, I mean it, kitten.” 

With that, Toby reached between them and easily slid into her. She was so warm and inviting as her inner walls conformed around him that he thrust completely inside of her and he grunted as his pelvis was flush with hers. 

Happy gripped his back and arched into each push of his hips into her. Her eyes opened to find him him staring intently at her and she grinned. Telling him not to slow down, he picked up his pace and drove back up. 

He watched her eyes close again and that lost aura from earlier was gone. Shifting so that he braced on his forearm and kept hold of her wrists in his hand. Then, Toby kissed her neck and used his now free hand to search out her clit. Still swollen from his mouth, she cried out against his chest. 

As Happy matched each of his thrusts, they neared climax. He wanted to hold out, make this about her, but couldn’t. “Hap, I’m close.” 

“Come for me then.” Hearing that was all he needed and she clenched around him. With no barriers between them, that twitch when he came and she felt that warmth had her on the precipice of her own orgasm. 

He stayed in her and rubbed her clit. Happy spasmed around his spent cock and he gathered her in his arms to ride it out. 

Panting, he rolled them to their sides and smiled at her limp on top of him. 

They had to clean up and would, after basking in this feeling of euphoria with just them. “That was intense, babe.” 

“You liked it?” Her cheek rested against his bicep as she actually waited for an answer. 

“Like it? I loved it. I love making love with you.” 

The smile breaking across her features was breathtaking and he peppered her face with kisses because he was so in love with her. She giggled and squirmed, saying how his scruff tickled and he changed to kisses up her neck. 

“Shower?” he asked. 

“Give me a few minutes and then join me.” 

“No way I’d say no to that invite,” he called as her watched her walk into the bathroom, his mind on only one thing and one thing only as he followed her. 

* * *

It was a quiet day in the garage, the only sounds being Happy working on something in the back. And Sylvester’s squeals of protest as Toby messed around with his meticulously organized desk, while Paige and Cabe rolled their eyes but secretly enjoyed watching. Then Toby’s computer pinged with an unfamiliar alert, and nobody watching missed how he froze as he went over to check it.

“Everything okay, Toby?” Paige called out, but he only looked up at her wordlessly as he tried to come up with how to break the news to everyone.

“Toby?” Sylvester walked over, his eyes widening when he saw what was on the screen. “Are you sure?” He asked, smiling wide when Toby nodded. “That’s good news, isn’t it?” 

Paige, Cabe, and Walter walked over too when they heard Sly, and Paige gasped softly as she understood the significance of what Toby had found. “He’s based in the HQ of CHI now?” She read off the CHI website, which had Dylan listed as a member of the staff in their headquarters in Amsterdam. “That’s great! So hopefully he won’t move for long enough that we can go meet him there, right?”

“Yeah,” Toby breathed, praying this would be the break they needed to get this whole mess over with for good, and Cabe called out for Happy to come over to the front.

She looked questioningly at Toby as she came up to the whole team huddled around his desk, and he smiled as he told her they found Dylan again. “What?” She breathed, and he tugged her in front of him to read the website for herself. “Wait, so…”

“This means he should remain in Amsterdam long enough for us to track him down and get him to sign the papers,” Walter summed it up in his usual way, though relief was evident in his voice. “Sly, could you contact Heywood and tell him to hurry up with the papers?”

As Sylvester nodded and walked off to call Heywood, Happy turned to Toby, blinking. “How did you find this?”

“I set up an alert software to detect if his name comes up on any publicly searchable website,” he answered simply, smiling at her. “Figured it was about time I actually started helping instead of moping around. Sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, Hap. I didn’t want to get your hopes up if it didn’t turn out anything.”

Happy didn't respond with words, instead wrapping her arms around his neck as she pulled him to her in a crushing hug. “Thank you,” she whispered, not caring that they were still surrounded by the others, and Toby pressed a kiss to her temple as he hugged her back.

“Heywood said-” Sylvester started as he came back to the group, but stopped short at seeing Happy and Toby. “Oh, sorry,” he shared a smile with Paige, not wanting to interrupt.

But Happy let go of Toby, albeit reluctantly, and looked to Sly. “I just want to get this over with, what did he say?”

Still smiling, Sylvester reiterated what Heywood had said that their divorce process would be very straightforward as they have no property or children to contest. “He’s drawing up the papers now, he just needs the details from you to fill in the template.”

“And, having nothing to contest over means this is a ‘default divorce’ so Dylan doesn’t need to be physically present in court, and the divorce will be finalized when the paperwork is filed with the court.”

“That’s great then,” Paige smiled, feeling Happy getting tense again and wanting to break the awkwardness in the room. “So we can meet him in Amsterdam and that’ll be it?”

Sylvester nodded, but plucked at the hem of his vest. “The law states that the spouse can only be served by mail, a process server or sheriff, or personally by another adult who is not a child of the marriage. Which is fine, really, because-”

“None of the rest of us are children of the marriage,” Walter said bluntly, and everyone pulled a face at the mental image.

Paige nudged him, whispering for him to be more sensitive, but he just shrugged that all he was saying is fact.

“Also,” Walter said with his pointer finger in front of him for emphasis, “the state of California has a six month cooling off period after a divorce before you can get remarried.” 

He cocked his head to the side at Toby starting daggers at him while Happy looked like she wanted to disappear and also kill him. 

“Don’t look at me that way, Toby,” Walter chastised. “It is a fact that both you and Happy need to be aware of. And, I don’t need my team further disrupted by finding this out with you two running to the courthouse only to discover you can’t marry yet and then mope around while we have work to-”

Paige didn’t even try subtlety for this, she blatantly kicked Walter’s shin and told him to shut up. “Paige,” he exclaimed. “That was-” 

“What?” she interrupted. “Insensitive? Rude? Sound familiar?” 

With Cabe and Sly chortling, Walter scowled and reiterated how that was entirely uncalled for. 

“Your existence is entirely uncalled for,” Toby muttered, and the two seemed set for another fight until Toby felt Happy lean against him quietly. Wrapping an arm around her waist, he told Walter that if he wanted to help then to hurry up and narrow down Dylan’s location so they could get this over with.

* * *

“Uh guys, can we gather up?” Sylvester called out, three days after Toby’s software had pinged Dylan on the CHI website. “There’s good news and bad news.”

“Good news being that they’ve finally stopped making more Super Fun Guy nonsense?” Toby called out from where he and Ralph had been trying to train Bueller, but quit the joking at Sylvester’s solemn expression when he walked over to the central area.

“You know how we’d planned for Happy and Toby to go down to Amsterdam with Heywood? Yeah well Heywood just called, he got a sudden court case and can’t promise when he’s free for the next month.”

“What?” Happy set down the spanner she had been holding at the news, exchanging worried glances with Toby. “But-”

Sylvester smiled apologetically. “The good news is that you don’t actually need a lawyer present to witness the signing, so as long as we bring it back to him in one piece it’s all still good.”

“Well in that case, I’m going with the two of you. You need somewhere there to supervise, and as your boss I’m the best person to do so.” Walter spoke up in his authoritative way, not giving Happy or Toby a chance to retort, though Cabe scoffed.

“The hell I’m letting you three run off on your own, you’d get kicked out of the country before you even pass immigration.”

“So what, you’re going to tag along with us?” Walter asked skeptically, and Cabe glared at him.

“ _ You _ are going to tag along with  _ me _ .”

“I’ve always wanted to go to Amsterdam too,” Sylvester quipped, partly to stop Walter and Cabe getting into another squabble over leading the team, and Paige brightened at that.

Shooting Ralph a warning glance to not try to bargain, she piped up how they might as well make it a team trip in that case. “Except Ralph, you’ve skipped school enough this term as it is with all the cases we’ve had.”

Cabe asked if she was sure she wanted to leave Ralph behind, and shrugged. “It’s not my first choice, but it’s going to take at most two days, right? He’s been with the sitter for longer when we’ve had cases overseas. And at least this time he can rest easy knowing we're not going to almost die.” She glanced a little wearily at Walter still huffing about being overridden by Cabe. “Hopefully.”

“Fine, now back to logistics,” Walter tried to regain control. “I have since found out that most of Dylan’s activities are in and around Westlandgracht and Hoofddorppleinbuurt.” He paused to smile proudly that he had pronounced them right in one go. “It’s only logical and efficient that we stay in a hotel in the vicinity too. Close enough to track his location and find him before he leaves that area. But also not too close that it’ll be awkward, of course.”

Paige blinked as what Walter said sunk in, “Woah wait, you guys want to track him down and ambush him?  _ That’s _ the plan?”

“Not exactly the best plan you kids have come up with,” Cabe muttered in agreement with Paige, glad that the two of them had been planning in secret to follow Happy, Toby, and Heywood even in the original plan. “Not that you have too many of those, either.”

“What do  _ you _ want to do?” Toby countered. “Call him up like ‘Hey remember your estranged wife? We’ll be popping into your office in a bit so you can sign the divorce papers.”? The last thing we need is for him to freak.”

“And being ambushed in the street  _ isn’t _ going to make him freak?”

“Not in the  _ street _ , we’re not stupid, Dineen. Probably at lunch, or at the grocery store if we have to.”

“Oh I’m sorry, being ambushed in the  _ grocery store _ isn’t going to make him freak?”

“It gives us the element of surprise. It has been proven psychologically that-”

“Okay,” Cabe cut Toby and Paige off, turning to Happy and speaking softer to her. “You’re the only one here who actually knows him, what do you prefer, kid?”

Happy was clearly uncomfortable at having all the attention on her again, shifting to lean against Toby for physical reassurance. “I… it’s better if he doesn’t have an option to disappear, I guess.” 

Toby knew this was overwhelming her, and wrapped an arm around her waist to pull her closer against him. “You can agree with Paige, kitten, I’m not going to hold it against you,” his eyes twinkled as he kissed her temple, but she shook her head. 

“And that way we can have as little contact with him as possible, it works out best.”

Toby shot Paige a look to  _ go with it _ and she subtly raised her hands up in surrender, nodding to Walter to go on.

But it was Ralph who spoke up instead, having made his way to Walter’s laptop without any of the adults noticing. “After factoring in convenience, practicality, and other considerations, I found a hotel that seems best suited for what you need.” He mirrored the screen to the monitor tree. “The only problem is a conference group has booked most of the rooms, and there seem to be only around five left. Barring last minute cancellations and anyone who books it before we do, of course. But two of them are on smoking floors, so-”

“Three rooms will be perfect.” Toby spoke up. “Hap and I, Sly and Cabe,” he paused for dramatic effect, and Paige snapped her head up as she added it up. “And Walt and Paige.”

“Excuse me?” She demanded, and Toby's eyes twinkled as he smirked. 

“Makes sense,” he shrugged. “And am I the only one noticing how Walt's not opposing this?”

Walter sputtered trying to find an excuse, and Cabe interrupted in the meantime. “ _ I'm _ opposing this. No way I'm getting stuck with Sly's snoring problem again.”

“I have a  _ deviated septum _ ,” Sylvester protested. “It’s a valid medical condition. Tell him, Toby.”

But Toby just rolled his eyes. “ _ You _ are a valid medical condition.”

“Hey! I-”

“I’ll take Sly,” Paige interrupted, ignoring Toby’s protests that his plan was the best. “You guys should see Ralph when he’s sick, it’s like sleeping next to a lawn mower. Safe to say I’m used to it.”

“It does get pretty bad when I’m wheezing,” Ralph admitted, and Paige nodded.

“So now I have to sleep with Walter?” Cabe half-groaned. “Don’t think that’s going to be any better.”

Toby wrapped his arm tighter around Happy, declaring that they weren’t going to bunk with anyone but each other. “Especially since we’re the only ones who’ll actually be  _ sleeping together _ ,” he grinned as the rest blanched, before waggling his eyebrows suggestively at Paige and Walter. “For now.”

“I’m still here,” Ralph reminded him, but interrupted Paige before she could chew Toby out for further corrupting her son. “Toby does have a point though, you two.”

Walter immediately cleared his throat to interrupt with more logistical details, though it slipped the attention of absolutely no one how he was obviously flustered and unable to make eye contact with Paige after that. 

But as they finally came to the end of the team meeting and finalized the details, it also didn’t slip anyone’s attention how notably silent Happy had been throughout the whole conversation. They were lucky to get a hum from her, most of the time she just nodded to agree with whatever the others decided on. She didn’t even try to move out of Toby’s arm around her waist, something highly uncharacteristic of her, instead only leaning more against him. 

Paige shot Toby a look of  _ let me know if it gets bad _ as she passed and he nodded, and even Walter didn’t protest when Toby suggested he and Happy go home early that day under the pretense that they need to start packing.

* * *

_ Toby frowned at he looked at the clock for what was probably the millionth time, while fiddling with the new origami figure he had made for her while waiting. Happy had left a few hours earlier, asking to borrow the ‘company car’ as she and Toby had driven his car to work that day, smirking as Walter grumbled but begrudgingly agreed. She hadn’t exactly mentioned where she was going, but late night runs to whatever hardware store was still open wasn’t uncommon for her so he hadn’t worried at the time. _

_ But he was beyond worried now.  _

_ She never took this long to get back, definitely not without at least texting him to let him know, and she’d definitely never take Walter’s car home for the night. Against his better judgement, Toby opened the tracking software that Sly and Ralph just updated to be even more accurate, to within as small a radius as three feet when the signal was strong. But it was only when he entered the VIN number of Walter’s Malibu and got back an ‘access denied’ warning that he remembered Walter had cloaked the GPS on all their devices after Happy found out about his tracking her phone in Arizona. _

_ His phone lit up just then, and he snatched it from where it was sitting on his desk a few feet away, only to see it was a reminder text from their OBGYN that their appointment for Happy’s 16 week checkup was confirmed for the next afternoon. _

_ Groaning in frustration, he began to type yet another message to Happy asking where she was. Just like the eight he’d sent before, his phone showed how they’d been received but not read by Happy. And another call just got her voicemail, again. _

_ “She’s not back yet?” It was only when Toby looked up to see Walter standing in front of his desk that he realized the others had all left for the night. He shook his head, and Walter’s brows furrowed for a moment before he shrugged. “If any us are going to be fine, it’s her. As long as she returns  _ my _ car in one piece.” _

_ Toby nodded absentmindedly, not so much listening to Walter as staring at the phone in his hand and praying to every god he never believed existed that the screen would light up with her name and the photo of her he’d sneaked one day when she was too engrossed in her project to notice. It wasn’t anything special, just another slow day in the garage, but the way the smallest smile was on her face as she figured out how to fix the tiny circuit board in her hands, Toby was enthralled.  _

_ Walter, not at all subtly, nudged him to go home, that Happy was fine and probably just held up at the junkyard. But there was a sick feeling growing in Toby’s stomach and he said he’d spend the night on the couch. Making his way over, he made a detour to Happy’s desk to place his latest origami with the rest of the figures and trinkets he had made or bought for her since they started dating. He settled uneasily onto the couch, while texting Happy again though he didn’t expect a reply. _

_ The next morning Toby woke up to Sylvester poking him, concerned but not wanting too much physical contact as he’d clearly not showered yet. Groggy, he asked him if Happy was back, but the younger genius shook his head and added that Walter’s car wasn’t in the lot still either. Now definitely sick to his stomach, Toby got up and was about to shout at Walter to remove the damn GPS block and find her, when Cabe strode in through the door looking more worried than ever. _

_ “This is most likely nothing, but I'm passing along the info. Was just informed that Mark Collins has escaped. Again.” _

_ The only sound was a clatter as Toby’s phone tumbled from his shock-loosened grip and onto the floor. Tim- wait, wasn’t he still on deployment with the SEALs?- and Paige emerged from the kitchen, their faces white as they tried to understand the consequences of the news. _

_ “How?” Someone, probably Walter, asked, but all Toby heard was the blood rushing through his ears as he whispered Happy’s name. _

_ Everyone turned to face him, and he stuttered as he explained how he was due to testify at Collin’s psych hearing that Friday. “Now he breaks out and Happy’s missing?” _

_ “The odds of coincidence are infinitesimal.” Sly’s voice dropped, and Walter took charge of the situation though it plain to see how affected even he was. _

_ “You think he’d take her as what, leverage? Bargaining chip?” _

_ “He knows I’d do anything to get her back. And I will.” Toby’s eyes were somehow simultaneously blank and burning as he turned to Walter. “What are you standing there for? Undo your stupid GPS block and find her, dammit!” _

_ Walter shook his head but turned back to his computer all the same. “That’ll take too long, waste time we probably don’t have. But there is another way of find-” He was cut off by his phone ringing, and he knew the caller ID displaying nothing but four zeros was, as Happy would’ve said if she were here, not good. _

_ Raising a finger to indicate the team to be silent, Walter picked up his phone with an uncharacteristically shaky hand as he put the call on speaker.  _

_ There was a crackle of static on the other end, before an all too familiar menacing voice filled the still air of the garage. “Hello team, rather team minus one,” A sardonic laugh was followed by an almost childish taunting voice. “Is Scorpion’s stupidest genius missing a certain someone? Or should I say  _ two _ someones? Gosh, I can’t believe she actually let you knock her up.” _

_ “Collins, if you so much as touch her I swear-” Tim’s quick reaction to hold him back was the only thing preventing Toby from lunging at the phone, as that bone-chilling laugh filled the air again. _

_ “Let’s just say that if- and that’s a very strong, highly doubtful  _ if- _ Happy and your little demon spawn, somehow happen to survive this,  _ mommy _ is gonna have to find a new job. Don’t think she’ll be able to look at car batteries the same way again after I toast her with the one she’s currently hooked up to.”  _

_ “Oh, and there’s really no need to be so ungrateful, Tobias. It’s not like the two of you have much of a future together anyway, what with her still being married to hubby dearest and all. Though I have to ask, how  _ do _ you feel about a person you didn’t even know existed having more legal right to your  _ precious baby _ than you? Must be absolutely torturous. Consider this as me doing you a favor.”  _

_ The rest of the day was a blur, Toby pretty much on autopilot as they struggled to find a solid lead between broken keytars and goat farms, the fog only lifting when  _ he _ finally let Happy talk to them.  _

_ “I love you, Toby.” _

_ With those four words, it was like all the walls his mind had instinctively put up to block the trauma collapsed. Sylvester was talking about some birds he’d heard on the other side, and there was a flurry again as the team hurried to narrow down her location, but all Toby heard were those four words that he’d almost started to take for granted. He was so used to hearing them now, but not like this. They were never meant to be said as a goodbye.  _

_ When they finally found her, when Toby finally lay eyes on the love of his life, and the little life they’d created in that love that was now just starting to show under her tank top, again after far too long, his heart stopped. They could barely even see her through the web of floss, though that jar of acid remained cruelly so visible barely hanging on a hook above her head. He barely registered Paige and Tim rushing in to join him and Sly, Walter fighting with Collins over the comms before he thankfully chose Happy over  _ him.

_ Guitar strings. Tim was saying something about a pure B. All of them carefully, ever so carefully, plucking and cutting their way through. But the going was far too slow, and Toby said to hell with it all and decided to run toward her, take the acid for her if it meant she and the baby would live.  _

_ But he stutter stepped, tripping on a string of floss hung just about ankle high. As he fell he brought the entire web crashing down with him. With it came the sound of a glass jar shattering into a million pieces, and a sickening shriek that would haunt him till that merciful day he finally died too. _

“Not now, Doc.” Happy mumbled as she was roused out of her sleep by Toby gripping her hip. Still mostly asleep she tried to swat his hand away, but his grip on her only tightened. She blindly kicked at him under the covers to stop, and groaned when he didn’t let go but started muttering something too.

“Doc,” she protested again as she turned away from him just out of his reach, but when his muttering turned into whimpers her eyes snapped open. Turning back to face him, she saw how he was clawing at the sheets where she had just been, sheer agony and pain contorting his features. A single tear slipped from his squeezed shut eyes, and she knew immediately that his mind was again playing the most cruel tricks on him.

Sitting up, she took his hand still digging into the sheets in hers, wiping away the tear before trying to wake him. “Toby,” she whispered, shaking his shoulder, but if anything it only seemed to worsen what he was going through in his head.

When repeating the action a few more times didn’t help, she shifted the blankets off the both of them so she could straddle his waist. Running her fingers through his curls, she leaned down to whisper his name again in his ear, kissing the side of his face until she felt him shift under her.

He was disorientated as he blinked his eyes open, and even in the little light slipping through a crack in the curtains Happy could see how they were hazed over and unfocused. 

“Hap?” He breathed, as if he couldn’t believe she was there with him. She smiled and nodded before nuzzling into his neck, having learned the hard way over the past few nights that physical contact worked much better than words to pull him out of that dark headspace. 

Slowly he raised his arms to wrap around her waist, as if still trying to convince himself that it was real she was there with him. “Hap,” he whispered again, more confidence trickling back into his tone. She hummed against the crook of his neck, and he exhaled out of relief before tightening his arms around her so hard that she was pressed against his chest.

They lay together like that for a while, desperate to reassure and be reassured that they were both okay, alive,  _ here _ . When he was mostly back to her, she felt him pepper kisses along her temple that she reciprocated down his neck. Finally, she heard him sigh in a way that told her he was back on solid ground, and pulled back just enough to look at him.

She didn’t need to ask him if he was okay using words, their silent communication was good enough that just locking eyes he knew everything she was desperate to but didn’t dare ask him.

“Nothing more than the usual,” he shrugged, trying to brush it off. He clearly wasn’t in a mood to talk about it tonight and as much as she would have liked him to, she didn’t want to press the issue and end up hurting him further. As she was trying to come up with what she could possibly say to him, he let out an emotionless chuckle. “After the workout we gave ourselves earlier, I thought I’d be conked out enough to sleep through tonight.”

Now she was back on slightly more familiar footing, and she gave a small smile as she leaned down to kiss his cheek. “Maybe we’ll just have to work out harder tomorrow then,” she glanced at the clock. “Or rather, today.” She dared a bigger smile, glad when he chuckled again and sounding much more like him this time.

“Deal,” he pulled her down to him to kiss her, but she could feel how tense he still was under her and knew that the nightmare was far from gone in his mind. 

Shifting so she was draped over his chest, she ran her fingers through his chest hair as she felt him trace patterns along her side. “What can I do?” She asked him softly, making herself hold back her sigh when he shrugged in a way that felt so detached. Pressing a few kisses to his chest, she remembered what he needed to feel better the first time she’d seen him tortured by his nightmares.

“Do you want me to make love to you?” She propped herself up on her forearm and cupped his face gently as she asked.

He turned to look up at her, surprise evident in his eyes though she could also make out the shine of tears making their way back to the surface. He nodded, lips pressed together as he was too emotional to trust his words, before finally managing to choke out a soft “Yes, please.”

“Of course,” she kissed him before shifting to straddle him again. Curling her fingers in his hair, she leaned down to kiss him ever so softly. The dichotomy between now and how rough they had been just earlier was hard to miss, but they both knew in this moment they needed that gentle and loving promise of always being there.

He reached up to cup her face in both his hands, deepening the kiss but still keeping it soft while her mind ran at full speed as she tried to rack her brain to remember everything he likes. He was always the one to initiate it slow and gentle, and as much as she loved how it felt and was desperate to give it to him now, she wasn’t sure if she knew enough yet to lead.

Even with everything else obstructing his mind now, Toby seemed to sense that she was unsure how to proceed. Breaking the kiss, he pressed feather-light kisses along her jaw until he reached her earlobe, nibbling on it before he sucked on the spot behind her ear that always drove her crazy. 

That seemed to bring her back into her element, and she smiled gratefully at him before reciprocating the action. She moved her hands to rest on his chest, kissing down his neck and across his collarbone so gently that another tear escaped him. She saw it when she looked up, and kissed it away before thumbing over the track it left down his cheek to break it up.

“You okay?” She checked, not wanting to push him if he was too fragile still. 

But he just nodded his head, smiling at her as he held her waist and rubbed his thumbs over her hips. “As long as you’re here.”

“Always.” That promise was spoken against his cheek and Happy kissed him in a way that he forgot for the moment everything but her as he melted against her. 

* * *

“Hap.” The sun was just poking its rays through the closed curtains when Happy heard Toby say her name again. She responded with a soft hum and kiss to his jaw, her fingers not stilling where they were tracing shapes along his chest and sides.

He stretched lazily under her, turning them both on their sides so they were facing each other. “Did you sleep?”

“I’m fine,” they both knew she was avoiding the question because she hadn’t, and Toby shut his eyes out of guilt.

“I’m so sorry, love, I-”

She shushed him before he could blame himself any more, pressing her forefinger to his lips. “Don’t. I told you, I’m fine. Worry about yourself first, okay?”

“You know that’s never going to happen,” he gave her a wry smile as he told her yet again how she was worth so much more to him than himself.

She blinked up at him as she wrapped a leg around his waist to hold him closer. “Let me put you first at least for now?”

“You’re not doing much better yourself,” he murmured as he played with the ends of her hair, and she shook her head as she told him it was different.

“It’s nothing like what you’re going through. I brought this on myself, and I know looking at it objectively it’s irrational to freak out over something I really need to get over and done with, so-”

“Doesn’t invalidate any of what you’re feeling,” he reminded her gently.

“Thank you,” Happy smiled as she leaned up to kiss his cheek. “But I feel so much better when you let me help you, so please let me?”

“You feel better when you're helping me?” His cheeks had a pink tinge from her words. They were all he ever wanted to hear and now she was saying them. 

“Yes.” She brushed her knuckles over his scruff and rubbed her thumb under his eye. “What happened to you wasn't your fault and you will never be alone to deal with it.” 

Before he could argue with her, she silenced him with her finger on his lips. “Come on, I'll make us breakfast and you can tell me about that article you're working on.” 

He was clearly surprised and his eyes lit up. “You want to hear about that? You call it psycho babble.” 

“I still won’t understand a word you say, but you love it so it’s time I started getting into it too,” she smiled, and his heart warmed at how she was really putting in the effort to be all in with him.

Toby pulled her into a crushing hug at hearing that, peppering kisses across her face that had her giggling in the way he loved hearing. She kissed him before crawling back out of his grip, getting off the bed and pulling him up with her. “Come on, Doc. I’m starving, and I know you can’t wait to start spouting your psych stuff.” 

* * *

* * *

**_We’re stronger in the places that we’ve been broken._ **

**_\- Ernest Hemingway_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are very proud of this chapter and cannot believe we are already into the last third of this fic!!! Did you have a favorite part? Is there something you're hoping to read in a future chapter based on what we learned in this one? As always, reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time =D


	23. Chapter 23

_Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future._

_\- Paul Boese_

* * *

* * *

Happy looked over at Toby currently digging into his in-flight meal with more enthusiasm than anyone should ever have over airplane food. She smiled at how no food seemed too bad for him to enjoy, glad that at least for now his mind was too occupied to think about the impending task before them after they got off the plane. But that wasn’t the case for her.

“You’re not eating the chicken?” He interrupted her thoughts.

Shaking her head, she hoped he didn’t notice how shaken she was. “Too tough,” she stabbed it with her fork as if to prove her point, but he ignored that and asked if he could have it then. “Go for it,” she switched trays with him, and settled for pushing around the salad he hadn’t touched as she slumped against the window.

A million thoughts swirled in her mind, and she barely noticed Sylvester seated on Toby’s other side leaning forward to look at her with concern. She offered him a half hearted smile that he obviously didn’t buy, but at least it got him to turn back to his food. Happy was grateful for the support of the whole team, but at that moment what she wanted was some space. Which was hard to get stuck in coach on a commercial flight, thus Toby’s pretending to be so interested in his food to give her as much space as he could.

The last few days of planning had been tough on her, and it had manifested as a drop in self confidence that he had never before seen from her. It killed him to see her in such turmoil, but he also knew that she needed to process all of it on her own as much as he was always there if she needed him.

_“I’m doing it to you again, aren't I?” Happy asked so quietly that he barely heard her. “Taking it out on you when this all is on me to begin with?”_

_Toby blinked away the sleep that was starting to overcome him, and hugged her tighter. “Babe-”_

_She shook her head to cut him off, the messy ponytail she pulled her hair into before bed tickling his neck as her back was to him. Holding his hand that was wrapped around her stomach, she played with his fingers as she apologized again for pushing him away. “I know it’s no excuse, but I don’t know how to react most days and I’d rather stay away from you than risk going back to treating you like-”_

_‘You won’t, love,” Toby cut off what he knew was going to become another of her nervous tangents. “You’re not. And I’ll tell you if I sense we’re becoming unhealthy again, I promise. Without pretending to sleep this time.” He laughed sheepishly at the last part, and Happy smiled small as she turned in his arms to face him._

_He held her tight as she nuzzled into his chest, half expecting her to say something but also not surprised when she didn’t._

_“You’re probably relieved about it, aren’t you?” She whispered, after long enough that he thought she’d fallen asleep._

_“Hmm?”_

_“The six month cooling period, you’re glad that we’re legally prohibited from getting married for that time?” She asked it as a question, but he had a sinking feeling in his gut that in her mind she saw it as a statement. “You’re hesitating on proposing again and… and I get that. Of course. I mean,_ I _wouldn’t want to marry me after what I did-”_

 _“Hap,” Toby cut her off again, softly but firmly. “I_ do _want to marry you, sweetheart, please don’t ever doubt that. None of this changes anything but the timeline I had planned, that’s all.”_

_“But-”_

_Toby shifted down so he was at eye level with her. “I forgave you a while ago, babe, remember? All we have to do now is focus on getting this over and behind us once and for all. And the six month thing, I- the legal stuff doesn’t affect my feelings for you in any way, and I’m hoping it’s the same for you?”_

_“Of course, Doc,” Happy nodded. “Nothing can change how much I love you.”_

_Toby smiled and kissed her nose. “Ditto. So we’ll figure all of this out in time. The legal process does impose some restrictions, but it’s nothing we can’t overcome.”_

“Toby?” Happy reached over to hold his hand a while later, after the flight attendants had cleared up their trays and most of the other passengers- Sylvester beside them and the other three team members in the row ahead included- had fallen asleep. He hummed as he switched off the movie he was half watching and pulled off his headphones to give her his full attention. “Am I… can I really get better?”

Confused, Toby raised the armrest between them to pull her against him. “Isn’t that the whole point of this trip, babe? To get this whole thing over with so we can move on?”

Happy nodded, but it wasn’t what she had been getting that. “I’m not talking about the divorce…” She trailed off, not knowing how to bring up what she was really thinking about currently.

“After that session with Rizzuto when you brought up how I probably had RAD-” Toby sighed heavily, still so guilty at how he had lashed out at her that day, and she squeezed his hand to tell him it was okay. “You said it was something I could recover from, and-”

“Hap-” He tried to reply, but she continued rambling as if she hadn’t heard him.

“Everything I read, and there isn’t much that's not repetitive, has been about children recovering. There’s not much for adults in recovery.” She took a breath but didn’t look at him yet. “Trusting people and feeling safe is what it all says and we both know I’m no good at that.”

He kissed her head. “None of us will trust everyone, but everyone should have at least one person they trust.” Motioning with his eyes to sweep next to him and the row in front of them, he smiled. “You have several people who want what’s best for you. And we all know that you need time and space. That doesn’t make our bonds any less.”

“But…”

“No,” he told her firmly. “You’re cautious and that’s partly because of your childhood experiences as well as from who you are. There’s nothing wrong with who you are. You are a good person.”

“I want to be.” Her fingers toyed with the zipper on his jacket and he held her hand reassuringly. “I… I think I’m getting better, but I need you to help me. Please?”

Seeing her so vulnerable and scared broke his heart, and he pressed a kiss to her temple. “You are absolutely getting better, my love. I’m so proud of you.”

Happy blushed lightly and nodded, and asked him again how she could recover from it now as an adult. “One in a very loving relationship,” she added, saying how being with him had helped her tremendously.

Toby couldn’t help smirking at little at that. “In a very loving relationship indeed, that just so happens to be with the best psychiatrist in the world. You’ve got a lot of home court advantage right here, Hap.”

She cracked a smile at that, and poked his side playfully. “I guess putting up with your ego is worth it sometimes.”

“It’s well worth it. And I love you like crazy, babe.” He softened then and whispered how he adored her completely.

“I love you like crazy too, Doc,” Happy cuddled further into his side, before her voice dropped. “What more do I need to do?”

Toby knew that she needed a real answer from him, and he held her tighter as he mentally ran through every academic writing he knew about recovering from RAD. The first time it had been brought up had been in the middle of their huge fight, and later that night he had rambled on too academically that it had scared her. Now he wanted to choose his words carefully to avoid a repeat of that.

“Happy,” he said softly while rubbing up and down her arm, “each case is different, but the common link is neglect.” She burrowed further into his chest and his heart dropped. This was hell for her to relive yet she was dredging it up to move forward. And for that very reason, Toby told her she was strong enough to move forward. “The studies state how most kids are naturally resilient.”

“But that’s with intervention still in childhood,” she interrupted.

“Happy, there is no one way to treat reactive attachment disorder. Or a set path for recovery. The goal is the same though, to help the one with RAD feel safe and learn to have positive attachments and interactions.”

“But I’ve had to do that all my life. Not the positive part, but to interact and form attachments for work.”

“See,” he beamed in the dim light of the plane, “progress is there and you did that all on your own before you even knew about this. Use that genius IQ to calculate how it’ll be now that you’ve pinpointed the issue and have a solution mapped out. With your brilliant partner, I might add.”

Kissing her head again to get her to look up at him, he added more. “Our connection, this palpable thing between us, it couldn’t be so strong if you didn’t trust me enough to form attachment to me.”

Dramatically lowering her voice, Happy spoke again. “Something I read stated how adults with RAD often relate sex to closeness and attachment but that it isn’t. I’ve wondered if-”

“We are more than sex, Happy Quinn.” His tone was serious and he kissed her lips. She deepened it when she moaned into him and he pulled back, sucking lightly on her lower lip first and smiling at her. Toby rested his forehead on hers and pressed a kiss to the tip of her nose. “We have an active sex life, that’s part of who we are. But, if sex were off the table, and it was for years with our friendship, we still have such a strong connection that is only growing deeper.”

“Because of the sex?”

“Because of the love.” His response was so simple and summed them up completely that she blushed, her lips finally turning up. “I love you so much, cupcake.”

“I love you too, Doc. Even with all your nicknames for me,” she murmured. “And I don’t want to lose us.”

“You will never lose me. I’m like a bad penny for you at this stage,” he joked.

She playfully nudged his side and he laughed saying how each day would be different but that they’d always tackle it together.

“I can get there, right? To having all of this behind me?”

He kissed the top of her head before nodding. “You’re already doing so well,” he reassured her, adding how he’d do everything in his power to help.

Sighing small, Happy shifted so she was sitting with her back against Toby’s arm. He instinctively moved that arm to wrap around her waist, and she interlaced their fingers wordlessly.

“Darling?” Toby whispered after a few minutes of watching Happy stare blankly at the red position light blinking on the wingtip. She looked back at him wordlessly, and he smiled to reassure her. “Can I ask you something this time? Completely unrelated to any of this,” he motioned to the air around them, and she nodded.

“That night at Oceanside,” he started, smiling a little at her confusion why he was bringing up something that had happened almost an year ago. “What- not that I’m complaining at all- but, what changed?”

Happy twisted in her seat to rest her chin on Toby’s shoulder. “What changed?” The way she tilted her head was adorable and Toby couldn’t help stealing a quick kiss.

“As in, you didn’t want anything to do with me in the months before that, and that night- It was amazing, don’t get me wrong, but I never thought you’d voluntarily dance in public.”

She blushed at that, laying her head on his chest and playing with his fingers. “You were so upset as we were leaving, I wanted to cheer you up. Plus, you kept going on about your college bucket list, so I figured-”

“You could’ve helped me check off the going streaking too,” he teased, laughing when she elbowed his side. “We’ll rain check that for when we get back.”

“It was Mavis,” she finally admitted, and it was Toby’s turn to be confused now. “And we’re never going streaking, Doc.”

He whined but it was tempered with his confused look. “What's a Mavis?" 

“She was one of the other pledges at the sorority, she told me that I couldn’t truly have a family until I lowered my walls.”

“ _Seriously_?” Toby was incredulous, and Happy looked up at him to ask what was wrong. “What… what’s wrong? Paige and I had been telling you that same thing for years, but leave it to you to listen to a random kid?”

“You jealous, Doc?” Happy smirked, and he rolled his eyes good naturedly.

“Why would I be jealous? Though I am confused. And a little hurt you listened to the kid over me,” he pouted, and Happy laughed softly as she kissed it away.

“But you got the dance,” she smiled up at him, and he hummed gratefully as he interlaced their hands.

Toby frowned when he felt Happy getting solemn again, and nudged her to ask what was wrong.

“I’m sorry I led you on without telling you everything first,” she murmured against his chest, and Toby bit back a sigh at how much she continued blaming herself.

Cupping her face to get her to look at him again, he kissed her soft but deep to remind her again how much he loved her. “Please stop apologizing, love,” he whispered, adding how in just a few hours it would be completely behind them so there was no need to keep feeling so guilty and to move on instead. “Plus,” he grinned to lighten the mood. “It’s not leading me on if I knew the whole time how much you loved me.”

Happy smiled small at that, and he leaned down to kiss her again. Murmuring that she does love him so much, she settled against his chest. Sleep started to overcome her soon enough, though she knew it would be fitful, and he wrapped his arms around her as he fell asleep himself.

* * *

“Nice digs,” Toby said as he surveyed their room. It was the standard double room with a queen sized bed in the center, a small couch opposite the bed, and floor to ceiling windows with a beautiful view of the city.

She didn't reply though, simply nodding as she pushed the handle down on her suitcase.

He sighed, his heart breaking for how rattled she was and he walked over to her. She wasn't paying attention and only when he wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his chin on her shoulder did she exhale. “Mhmm.”

“Penny for your thoughts, lovebug?”

“I just want this all over.” She gave him a tight smile and slipped out of his arms telling him she needed to clear her head.

“We could go for a walk,” he suggested. “It's a beautiful day and there's a canal path right across the street.”

She shook her head. “All I need is to run into _him_ before this is sorted. No.”

“Okay, makes sense.”

Happy didn't look up as he rummaged around his suitcase. She had all this energy and began pacing, which would have helped had there been more space. Only when Toby let out an ‘ah ha’ did she stop.

“Look at what I packed.” He proudly held up a small bottle of her favorite lavender bubble bath and shook it. “A hot bath will do wonders for your nerves and I know how calming you find the scent of lavender. What do you say?”

“A bath, really?”

Her edge was back and he knew he needed to tread carefully. “Yes, a bath. I'm not angling for anything here. I'll head downstairs if you'd prefer time by yourself.”

The expression on her face didn't change and he kept still. Then she shook her head. “You don’t need to do that. Take it with me?”

He grinned and said it would be his pleasure and she laughed. “I'm sure it will be,” she quipped. “Besides, dinner isn't for a few hours and you'd be bored out of your skull.”

“Not necessarily.” One of her eyebrows arched up and he told her that people watching always kept him busy. “But it's not as much fun without someone there to critique with.”

“You mean judge…”

“That's exactly what I mean, sugar plum.” She rolled her eyes and he took two steps to close the distance between them. “But you know what they say about the couple that judges together.”

All she did was give him a look and he hugged her. “They stay together, kitten pie,” he mumbled into her hair making her giggle. “Oh, I love that sound.”

She brought her hands to rest on his chest and breathed out. “So, bath with me instead of judging strangers alone?”

“Yes, please.” He curled his fingers into her back and didn't miss the way she arched into him, gripping at his shirt in turn. “We’ll be in good form for dinner after washing off the plane air.”

Happy huffed out a laugh as she noted how Sly was probably in full decontamination mode in his and Paige's hotel room as they spoke.

“Hey, we warned her and she still chose to bunk with Super Fun Guy over Walter.”

As he prattled on about their friends, Happy took the bubble bath from his hand and tugged him into the en-suite.

It had a jacuzzi tub and with the jets against his back, Happy slid in front of him to settle between his legs. Her hair was in a messy bun on top of her head and he smiled at feeling her relax in the water.

“Doc?” Her hand sought out him and she laced their fingers into a strong grip as she turned to curl sideways on him.

“Yes, love,” he responded with his lips brushing across her forehead.

She didn’t say anything, but Toby saw how she inhaled shakily and bit her lip.

“What do you need, sweetheart?” He asked her gently, wanting to help but not press her.

The fear and hesitation in her eyes as she finally looked up at him broke his heart. “We’re okay, right?” Happy knew she was becoming the stereotypically clingy girlfriend and hated it, but she also needed that reassurance as she couldn’t imagine a life without Toby anymore.

“We are amazing, sugar plum,” he kissed her temple as he rubbed her forearms under the water. “We’re incredible.”

Happy smiled small at that, thanking him, and he tucked his knees up to hold her tight against him until they felt the water cool around them. Helping her out of the tub, Toby suggested they rinse off in the shower. She agreed, but the moment they were back in the bedroom in their towels, the stress seemed to sink back into her.

As they sat at the side of the bed, she rested her head on his shoulder. Wrapping his arm around her, he kissed the top of her head.

She was still tense, not nearly as much as earlier, and feeling Toby around her eased her mind even more. When his hand cupped the side of her face, she smiled as she knew exactly what he was thinking.

Turning to look at him, he kissed her cheek and peppered a path of kisses to the spot under her ear that was her kryptonite. She moaned and opened her neck for him as she leaned back on the bed.

Toby followed her body and ran his hand up her thigh, under the cotton towel wrapped around her body that she quickly shrugged off. He took full advantage of her exposed skin and her hands at his face guided him down her neck.

“I want to make love to you,” he whispered. He stopped, needing her to answer before moving further.

“I want you to make love to me.” She hooked her toes into the towel around his hips and brought it to the floor. Happy had him next to her when her hand rested on his scruff. “I love you.”

He couldn't stop from smiling, each time those three words rolled off her tongue was forever music to his ears and he said them back.

They moved together, a well-oiled machine with trust in every machination. It was still light outside, the sun filtering through the gauzy curtains and both could see the other. At home, they had gotten rougher in bed as the stress built and it felt good to lose their inhibitions and not have anything between them. While that was what they needed then, now Toby knew she needed a gentle touch.

As his fingers skimmed over her breasts down her torso and his mouth teased along her thighs up to her center, she came undone for him and the room became an echo chamber of pleasure. He found gratification with each orgasm he brought her and the way her body undulated, he wanted to keep going for as long as she'd let him.

And she let him go for several orgasms before she needed to catch her breath and pause. As she breathed deeply, he licked and nibbled on her folds. Then, her fingers latched into his curls and tugged him up.

“Hi, Doc.” She kissed him with a moan, her lips now slick with her own juices and a need for him greater than before.

She slipped her tongue between his teeth and he greeted her with equal fervor. It was a back and forth, not for dominance but for _more_. Then, his breath hitched at the back of his throat when her hand that had been playing with his chest hair now palmed him.

“Make love to me.” Her eyes darkened and she rolled to her back with a leg over his hip.

Toby nodded, reaching to the nightstand to fish out the small bottle of lube from the liquids ziploc he packed to make sure she was wet as possible. She was already wet from him going down on her but he wanted to make sure there would be absolutely no discomfort for her and lubed them both up.

“I brought a bottle of that with me too,” she said with a soft laugh.

“Great minds,” he told her, wiping his hand on the sheet before he interlocked their fingers and kissed her.

Like a well-rehearsed dance, Toby guided himself into her and she moaned his name as her walls conformed around him, their first moment of connection taking over their senses. He braced with the hand holding hers and brushed hair from her eyes as he started to rock.

She had her eyes closed and he was transfixed on the pleasure taking over her entire being. The way their bodies moved, the sounds emanating from them as his thrusts deepened. He slowed down when he felt himself getting close to his peak.

The stress her body held was now a faint memory and all she felt, and wanted more of, was Toby. She wanted more of the man she was in love with. Happy tangled her hand into the back of his curls and murmured how good he made her feel and how she wanted him to let go.

He hesitated though, wanting to prolong this moment, and she wriggled under him making him grunt as his cock started to twitch in her. Her hand pulled out of his and she rubbed his balls, her thumb over the skin where they met him body and urging him to come for her. Now barely able to restrain himself, he pressed his hips up to get contact with her clit as he finished with pulsating thrusts that had both of them panting.

Climaxing, they laughed when their eyes locked, a tacit devotion underlined by him gulping at the feel of her clenching around his spent length. She reminded him that she didn't mind the mess but he reached for tissues anyway. “We can't change the sheets here tonight,” he said as his hand caught most of their releases.

She shook her head in exasperation but thanked him for the thought. “I need to clean up, and so do you.” Happy looked pointedly at the wad of tissues in his hand and they dragged themselves out of the bed to shower before falling back into each other as a tangle of limbs.

All clean and fresh from the shower, they lazily made out and caressed the other until Happy saw the time. “We need to get down to dinner.” Her voice was rushed but her body remained wrapped around Toby.

“No,” he whined, holding her tight and burying his face into her damp, inky tresses. “Cuddling is important.”

“It is, but so is getting to dinner on time.”

He didn’t loosen his grip and Happy she said if he really wanted to cuddle she didn’t mind being late. “It’s not like they don’t know what we’ve been doing.”

That made him chuckle and he planted a wet kiss at her temple. “I read an article on the way over in my psych journal about the importance of cuddling and how it strengthens romantic relationships. I'll get it for you to read after dinner.”

“You don’t need an article to justify yourself, Toby.” She tilted her face up from his shoulder to say he has always been overly affectionate. “I’ve grown used to it." 

His eyes widened and asked what that meant. “If you want to cuddle, just ask me,” she said.

With that permission, Toby felt his entire chest warm at her words and the way she had a pink tinge creeping onto her beautiful cheekbones. At the start of their relationship, she had been less than receptive to his attempts for post-coital snuggling yet over their months together it became a comfort for them both.

“You know, cupcake, in that case, prepare to never leave my arms when we’re alone.” He wrapped his arms and legs around her and kissed all over her face and neck.

“Sounds amazing.” Happy giggled as his scruff tickled her, and they both knew that this moment was exactly what they’d been fighting hard for for so long.

* * *

They ended up coming down twenty minutes late for dinner, though any smirk and suggestive comment Paige had prepared on the tip of her tongue died when she saw how Happy, despite being visibly better than when they checked in, was still much more quiet and solemn than she usually was.

“Remember what I told you guys,” she whispered to the team just before Happy and Toby came within earshot, and for what was possibly one of the first times ever, even everyone nodded without any condition or smart comment.

Toby pulled out a chair for Happy and pushed it back in when she sat down, before sitting down himself next to her. Walter immediately picked up the conversation with Happy, showing her the messages that Ralph had sent him reporting on the progress of the experiments he left running in the garage, and asking her for any fresh ideas or insight on them. The sudden switch back to work as usual was sudden, but Happy quickly got into what she knew best and was soon engaged in a highly technical conversation with Walter, and Sylvester contributing too. As she talked about projects, the nerves Toby felt in her were gone, at least temporarily.

Knowing that Walter wouldn't be likely to dive right into work without asking at least one intrusive and insensitive question about Happy ability to focus on it with her full attention, Toby caught Paige and Cabe’s gazes across the table and nodded in silent gratefulness. Cabe pointed at Paige and whispered that it was all her idea, and the latter only smiled with a shrug, mouthing that it was the least she could do.

 _Paige watched on with concern as Happy seemed to get jumpier every second._ _She hadn’t been herself since the time the team met up in the airport, and Happy spent most of the flight holding Toby’s hand and leaning against him in some form, only letting go when the meals were served. Even then, Paige observed how she barely touched her food, and she didn’t need Toby’s skills to know that even though Happy had her headphones on and was seemingly watching a movie, she probably wouldn’t be able to recall its title, let alone the plot._

_October wasn’t the busiest period for Amsterdam tourism so they had gotten through immigration quickly, but all throughout Happy was so noticeably circling much closer to Toby than usual that both Cabe and Sylvester asked Paige if everything was okay. Even Walter frowned in his own way of showing confusion and worry. The few seconds Toby stepped away from her to grab Paige’s bag off the carousel had Happy looking like someone who was suddenly abandoned in a place they didn’t know, and that’s when it hit Paige that the impending meet up shook Happy up more than even she herself realized._

_It wasn’t that she didn’t want to get the divorce or that she still had feelings for Dylan, if Paige was certain of nothing else in this world she was certain of that, but she also knew that it was only fair that everything finally coming to a head after a decade of secrecy and months of tension would culminate in this. And especially for someone so unused to having to deal with emotions like Happy._

_Paige made sure to double check Walter and Cabe’s room number as they checked into the hotel (with all of Toby’s teasing to get her and Walter to room up, the other two men absolutely refusing to be stuck with Sylvester and his deviated septum was a relief), and called them as soon as she was certain neither Toby nor Happy would be coming into their room for whatever reason._

_“I don’t know exactly what’s wrong, but there’s no doubt Happy is feeling a little overwhelmed at everything, so make sure you keep dinner light and fun. Even Walter’s definition of that is okay, just keep her from thinking about the weight of tomorrow during dinner.”_

“That meal was absolutely delicious,” Cabe announced as he set his napkin on the table. “Thank you, Walter.”

“What?” Walter whipped his head around, brows furrowed and a scowl overtaking his features.

“Yeah, you’re the boss and it’s only customary for you to pick up the tab.”

“But-”

Toby cut Walter off, adding how this was similar to the company car. “You’re the leader, boss. With great power comes great responsibility.”

Walter’s face scrunched up. “That is not how it is. At all. You take _my car_ and unceremoniously commandeer it. I am not paying for dinner.”

“But you’re the one who made it a work trip,” Paige piped up.

“No, I had to be here,” Walter asserted. “Happy needs someone not related and it made sense for it to be me.”

“Not entirely,” Sylvester added. “Toby could easily serve Dylan tomorrow-”

“That is not a good idea. You know how emotional Toby gets.” Walter dug his heels in on this issue and the back and forth from the team was too much for Happy.

“Enough!”

They all froze and turned to see her with clenched fists and an expression on her face that they couldn’t discern. When she opened her mouth, none of them knew what to expect.

“I would have preferred that just Toby and I came to get this taken care of, but you all wanted to come so I went along with it-”

“I’m your _boss_ ,” Walter emphasized. “You had no say in my wanting to come.”

“Oh, so when it’s to be a dictatorial ass that you’re our boss, but when it’s doing something nice for the team you absolve any and all responsibility?” Toby retorted.

Walter set his scowl deeper, there really wasn’t anything he could contradict about what Toby said. The waiter approached their table just then to ask if they were ready for the bill, and seeing the rest of them simply smile at him, Walter’s face screamed mutiny as he begrudgingly handed over the company card.

“This is going to be taken out of your paychecks,” he threatened, to which Toby was all too gleeful in reminding him that most of their checks came directly from Homeland now so Walter throwing a hissy fit wouldn’t affect them much.

Sly was also relieved that nobody opted for steak that night, because with how Walter was looking it was very likely that said knife would be stuck between Toby's ribs if he had the chance. But thankfully the waiter came back quickly.

“Thank you, sir.” He returned Walter’s credit card and 197 grumbled how he worked with a bunch of leeches as he put it back into his wallet.

Paige sensed another snark match between Walter and Toby erupting, and knew she had to stop it before it started. Standing up, she thanked Walter for dinner with a cheery smile before suggesting they all retire to their rooms. “We need to be rested for our early start tomorrow.”

Cabe, Sly, and Happy were quick to follow her lead, Happy pulling a grumbling Toby up with her. That that a still-scowling Walter forced to trudge back up to his room with them muttering the entire elevator ride.

* * *

Toby subconsciously and instinctively moved to tighten his arms around Happy in his sleep, only to wake up when he realized that he was only hugging himself. He sat up in alarm when he blinked his eyes open and saw the bed completely empty. He knew that Happy was still so nervous about the trip and the last thing he wanted was for her to be alone at this time. Turning on the bedside lamp, he finally saw Happy. She was curled up in the corner of the small couch in their room, hugging her drawn up knees tightly as she stared at the closed curtains.

“Hap?” He called out softly, not wanting to startle her as he pushed the covers back to stand up and walk over to her. She looked up at that, and the warm orange glow of the lamp betrayed the fear and doubt in her expression.

Kneeling down in front of her, Toby gently pried one her hands from their death grip around her legs to hold it in both of his. “Sweetheart?”

“I didn't mean to wake you, I’m okay,” she said after swallowing heavily. It only out of habit though, she knew Toby wouldn’t buy it for a second and also knew herself that it was the furthest thing from the truth.

Toby didn’t comment on it, knowing it was instead her way of asking him for help. “Come back to bed, my love. It was a long day and you need to rest.” _And it’ll be an even longer day tomorrow_ , he knew, the unspoken words hanging heavy in the air around them.

He was frankly surprised when she nodded, small but certain, and allowed him to slip his arms under her knees and back to carry her to bed and help settle her under the covers, without even the slightest hint of resistance. Toby expected her to turn away then and not want any contact for the rest of the night, but she only surprised him further by cuddling into his side and speaking.

“I… it’s been so long and, and I don’t know how…” She sniffled a little before looking up at him. “I can’t bear anything else widening our rift again.” She admitted, and it killed Toby because it was only then that he realized how bad this was affecting her. For Happy to voluntarily offer such insight into her thoughts, and be so vulnerable and open even with all the progress they’ve made, he knew it didn’t come easy.

“What rift?” He asked simply, smiling and pulling her closer. “I mean it every time I tell you we’re good, Hap. And I promise you, you have nothing to worry about from my side.”

The sincerity in Toby’s voice and eyes was so strong that Happy had to focus her gaze on his tee shirt. “But it’s years since I last had any contact with him, I don’t know how he’s going to be, and-”

“And I don’t care.” Toby pressed though he kept his tone gentle. “As long as he signs the papers in the end, I don’t care what else he says or does. We’re a team, Hap, you and me. Nothing can come between that.”

It was clear how Happy was still uncertain, and Toby shifted down a little so he was level with her and could hold up the side of her face to get her to keep her gaze on him. “Love, please believe me when I say that no matter what happens, I’m always going to be here for you. I’ll never give up on you or us for as long as I’m alive. Unless you’re having second thoughts about the divorce.” He tried to joke at the end, but immediately regretted it when she winced.

Shaking her head vehemently, Happy swore how she didn’t have any feelings left for Dylan. “All I want is the divorce, Doc, and once the papers are signed, I want to move forward with you.”

“I shouldn’t have said that, I’m sorry.” Toby murmured as he brushed his lips against her forehead, before telling her how they were already moving forward together, and have been for the past few weeks.

Happy’s mouth curved up in the smallest of smiles as she rested a hand against his chest. “I’m all yours, Toby, only yours. I won’t let anything come between us again.”

Toby held her tighter against him. “I know, and I completely trust you on that. Once the papers are signed and this is truly behind us, this will never be brought up again. Especially not to be used against you in any way.”

He sighed before continuing, guilt and apology heavy in his voice as he said how he knows he’d been hard on her and he’s going to stop that. "It's not fair to you and I'm so sorry. I love you and don't want this hanging over us any longer.”

Tears were shining in Happy’s eyes when he finished speaking. The good kind of tears, her namesake. “The divorce is already there, just minus the papers for now. What you said means the world me, Toby.” She reached up to kiss his cheek and told him to please stop apologizing. “Under everything, you were still so good to me. You never made me doubt your love for me even when we were both at our worst. Besides, with everything I did, you getting angry was only fair now that I’m able to see it more objectively.”

As much as she had said it with the genuine intention to make him feel better, her words served to kill Toby just a little further. They reminded him of everything she’d revealed to him about her past and how horrible it was, how she should’ve always been surrounded by unconditional love, of all kinds, but never was. “There will never be a day where I don’t love and want you, Happy. No matter what things seem to be on the surface, and I hope to God we have to go to a place like that again, I’m always going to be here.”

Happy picked at the hem of her pullover- Toby's old MIT one that had comforted her since before they were even together, she was glad Toby was so astute about her nerves over the trip that he had packed it when it had slipped her own mind- as she tried to string together the right words. “I know I’m still not much good at it, but I am trying to be more open and affectionate. Because now I finally see how important it is. I hope you know how much I love you. You’re my best friend and I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Toby’s heart warmed so much at that, and he pressed a string of kisses to her forehead before telling her that he did indeed see how she's come so significantly far in just this short time, and how much he appreciated that. "And of course I know how much you love me, Hap, I love you just as much, if not more. You're my best friend too, and I don't want to know what I'd do without you, because I never plan on being without you again."

Happy’s smile was wider now as she felt the nerves melt away with every word Toby said, her fears quelled as he pulled her ever closer against him. She leaned up to kiss him, and he was only too glad to meet her halfway. It was one of their gentle kisses, the kind that expressed nothing but love, that she couldn’t believe she hadn’t appreciated much until a few weeks ago. Pulling back when she felt a yawn building up as her exhaustion set in, she stifled it against his chest and he chuckled softly.

Toby reached behind himself briefly to turn off the lamp, and adjusted the covers over them before wrapping his arms around her again to hold her. Resting one hand on the back of her head, he whispered for her to go back to sleep. “Nothing I said will be different in the morning, or ever. I love you.”

She curled even more tightly into him, and he rubbed her back and pressed a kiss to her temple. She didn’t say anything else after that, save for a _Love you too_ , though her soft, even breathing a few minutes later was all the reply he needed.

* * *

The ringing of the phone in their room was what woke Toby up the next morning. It was hard to twist around to answer it with the way Happy was still so tightly curled around him, but somehow he managed to do so before the ringing woke her up too.

It was Paige, sounding far chirpier than someone should legally allowed to be that early in the morning. “Hey, Toby! Is Happy awake?”

“It’s barely five thirty, Dineen. _Nobody_ is awake.”

Paige brushed off the tired groan his attempt at snark came out as, asking him how Happy was doing.

“Much better than I am, seeing how she gets to keep sleeping while I have to talk to you.” Toby shot back, but as he started getting more alert he appreciated Paige’s concern more. “Last night got a little messy again,” he admitted softly after making sure Happy was still asleep. “But I think I helped ease a little of it, or at least I hope so.”

Paige hummed understandingly as she told Toby she was sure he had. “That’s kind of why I called this early. We’re meeting for breakfast at eight, before Walter and Sly get to work pinpointing Dylan’s location to meet up with him. I figured if she has things on her mind still, you can help her with them before coming down.”

“It’s not that we don’t want to help,” Paige added quickly. “We do, we’d do anything for her. It's just that-”

“I know.” Toby cut her off, but his tone was grateful. “I appreciate everything you guys do, but she is more open when it’s just me.”

“Not to mention how there are _certain_ methods of taking her mind off things that only you can do with her.”

He could hear the smirk in her voice, and rolled his eyes though she couldn’t see. “You’re clearly sleep deprived. Imagine if Ralph were in there and he heard you talking like that.”

Paige chuckled. “Well, lucky for me, he’s not. Though I will admit, I am a little sleep deprived and do miss my son.”

“Now you see how we weren’t joking about Sly’s snoring?”

“And you’re welcome for taking one for the team.” Paige mocked drily before her tone softened and she told him to go take care of Happy for now, that they could laugh at Sly’s expense later.

Thanking her, Toby hung up the phone and switched on one of the lights in the hall, liking that all the light switches were within reach of the bed. The light was bright enough for him to see Happy clearly, but also far enough away that its glare wasn’t harsh in the otherwise near total darkness. His shifting to get the phone caused her to slip off his chest, and she was on her back now, though one arm was still slung loosely over Toby’s waist.

Toby was always enthralled watching Happy sleep, seeing her when she was at her most open and vulnerable. _It’s like all the emotion she hides when she’s awake shows itself when she’s sleeping_ , Toby mused to himself, and it was true. When they had first started dating, especially before the team found out, they had both been cautious at the garage. For her, that caution seemed to carry over to when they were alone, a caution that proved itself the night of the earthquake when Walter almost barged in on them. But asleep, her carefully constructed mask gave way to her true emotions, and the first time Toby saw a smile grow, and then stay, on her face as he wrapped an arm around her, his heart nearly burst with love.

The few times they had spent the night over during the early months they had been torn apart, that smile he loved so much had been replaced with a worried frown that stabbed his heart. They had come so far in the last few weeks that he hoped the frown had disappeared for good, but it was back now and it killed him.

As much as he wanted to make that frown disappear, and despite Paige’s best intentions, Toby knew that what would be best was to let her sleep longer. If anything, it would keep her from over thinking worst case scenarios for a precious while more.

“Hap?” It was around seven when he brushed his lips against her forehead, fingers gently caressing her cheek. “Love?”

Happy whimpered as she shifted a little under his touch, and he used that sliver of consciousness rouse her further. “Would you wake up for me, sweetheart?”

She was a fairly light sleeper - it really showed how exhausted she was that she slept through the entirety of Paige’s call - and though her eyelids were heavy she blinked them open and murmured his name.

“Good morning, cupcake.” Toby smiled warmly at her, and she reciprocated with a sleepy smile of her own.

“Case?” She mumbled and he shook his head. _Not exactly. Though you’d much prefer dealing with a North Korean nuke._

Weakly shoving him off her, she groaned as she sat up a little to stretch, but paused when she took in the unfamiliar room. “Wha-”

She froze, and Toby know it had all come back to her. He rubbed her back lovingly as he sat up too, and when she still didn’t respond, when she started showing signs of getting too caught up inside her mind again, he shifted to sit against the headboard and pull her into his lap.

Wrapping his arms around her, he whispered how much he loved her and how they were going to be okay, his words interspersed with little kisses on her face until she relaxed enough to turn and wrap her own arms around his waist, hugging him tightly. She didn’t say anything, if there was even anything to be said, but in that moment, that silent contact meant more for the both of them than words ever could have.

Toby knew better than to make another second thoughts joke, and instead told her after a while that they had about forty minutes before having to meet the team for breakfast. She nodded, appreciative that he tried to make things seem as normal as possible instead of pressing her too far.

Sighing heavily, she hugged him once more before getting out of bed. “Might as well get ready.”

He heard the click of the lock as she closed the bathroom door behind her, something she hadn’t done even in the very start of their relationship, and Toby bit back a sigh as he knew the day had yet to even begin.

* * *

* * *

_Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering._

_\- Ida Scott Taylor_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time =D


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a really fun one that took us longer than we thought to complete. Between the end of uni term and coughing fits that wouldn't end, we bring you the long awaited appearance of Dylan.

_They say people don’t change, but I believe that’s not true: broken people don’t need to stay broken._

_\- Matthew Perry_

* * *

* * *

They had gotten dressed in silence and Toby kept biting his tongue not to break it. Only when he sat next to her as she tied her boots did she talk. “You know,” she faltered without looking at him, “when Dylan didn’t want to go back to the States, um, I felt helpless. Helpless in a way I never felt when bouncing from home to home.”

She chewed at her lip as her eyes fell on the envelope with the signed by her divorce papers on the dresser.

In that moment, she looked up at Toby to find him smiling encouragingly at her.

“I, I... I wasn’t anywhere near as open as I am now with you and I hated being helpless. He was always so busy with classes and volunteering, and I kept getting more and more frustrated each day. But there was only so much I could do and I was bored out of my skull as I couldn’t get much work there.”

Toby kissed the top of her head and said he understood. “That's what anyone would feel in that situation, and you got through it.

“Yeah, until now.” Happy sighed and flopped back. “Just the thought of seeing him again after so long and not knowing how he’s going to be, and if he takes it out on you or the rest…”

“Hey.” He lay next to her and kissed her shoulder. “Maybe he will, maybe he won’t. But either way, we’ll get through this, too.”

Her expression conveyed her uneasiness and he wrapped his arm over her while he propped himself up on his other arm. “Listen, here's the deal, Hap. If you have stuff that you need to say to him, then you need to say it so it doesn’t eat you up any more than it already has. You know?”

“Yeah, Doc. I do know.” She closed her eyes and he pulled her into an awkward and crushing sideways hug.

“You got this, babe. And if you don't, I'm right at your side to help you through.”

Happy rolled to face him and nodded against his chest. “Thank you.” Her shuddered breath told him she needed a few moments before they met the team for breakfast and he rubbed her back to help calm her nerves. When she was ready, she stood up and tugged him to stand with her. With another kiss to the top of her head, she grabbed the divorce papers and headed out the door.

* * *

“Okay…” Walter led the way, staring intently at his tablet that was tracking Dylan’s phone they managed to find by hacking into his online bill statements. In any other situation, Toby would have joked how Walter looked like an overeager K-9 bloodhound and that all he needed was a service vest and reward treat for later. But he refrained knowing that Happy was already tense enough without needing to add another snark match between himself and Walter.

“This is it,” Walter stopped abruptly in front of a small diner that the tablet showed Dylan’s phone - and m hopefully Dylan - was inside of. He turned to Happy in an almost uncharacteristic moment of genuine concern, without a hint of how much of a jerk he could be most of the time. “You good?”

Happy tried to look in through the glass facade to spot Dylan but it was annoyingly plastered with a huge sticker of the diner’s logo. Toby hugged her to him in comfort when he saw her grip tightening on the envelope containing the divorce papers, and she sighed heavily before eventually nodding.

“Do you want the rest of us to stay outside?” Paige asked, ever the caring mom of the team. “You only need one more person with you to serve the papers, and I’m sure Toby can do that.” She somehow looked at Toby in encouragement while simultaneously glaring at Walter not to butt in.

Toby nodded. “Of course. Or if you’d rather anyone instead to make it less awkward, whatever you need.”

Happy shook her head as she leaned more into Toby, interlacing their hands. “I need you,” she murmured softly to him, before looking up at the rest. “If you guys don’t mind coming in too…”

“Definitely, kiddo,” Cabe smiled at her. “Didn’t come all this way just to hang out outside a random cafe.”

It ended up being Sylvester who spotted Dylan first, and he gingerly tapped Happy’s shoulder to get her attention before nodding toward where he was sitting. It briefly crossed Happy’s mind that it was a good thing Dylan was sitting down already, but she was freaking out too much inside to muse on it further.

Picking up on the spike in her already high tension, Toby rested a hand on the small of her back to gently nudge her to go up to Dylan while motioning for the others to hang back for a second instead of them all springing up on him at once.

Happy glanced up at Toby again, the love and encouragement in shining in his eyes and his smile giving her the comfort she needed to finally go up to her estranged husband she hasn’t seen in almost a decade.

“Um, Dylan?” She stepped up to where he was working on his laptop while eating, completely unsuspecting. “Hi.”

Before them sat a man Happy's age, copper skin with close cropped hair. When he looked up, a set of piercing green eyes looked up at them. Dylan stared at her for a few seconds, the expression on his face hilarious had it been any other situation. “Ha- Happy?” It finally clicked, and he stood when she smiled sheepishly and nodded. “Hi. What are you-” He started to ask, but shook his head. “Oh my god, hi!”

With that he enveloped her in a massive bear hug, and the only thing the others standing a few feet away could think was _whoa._ He was a few inches taller than Happy and the shock of that affection to her took them all by surprise. Paige glanced over to see Toby very taken aback, and asked him, sotto voce, if he was okay with that.

“Yeah?” He replied in the same tone. “I’m not jealous, just…”

“Jealous?” Walter interrupted with a smirk, as they watched Dylan ask Happy how she was without really letting her go from the hug.

Toby shot Walter an annoyed look. “ _No_ ,” he emphasised. “I… the way she talked about him always made it seem like he’s touchy, and not in that way.” He nodded back to a clearly uncomfortable Happy trying to back away, and Dylan blissfully ignorant as he continued saying how amazing it was that they bumped into each other.

“Poor kid doesn’t know how detailed this ambush was,” Cabe chuckled. “Shall we?” He motioned for them to walk over.

“And wow.” They heard Dylan as he finally stepped back a little from Happy. “That must have been some plastic surgeon you found there.”

Stunned that that would be the one of the first things out of his mouth, the others’ blank looks morphed into those of _far too much information_ when Toby announced that “Everything is one hundred percent real, thank you very much.”

Dylan turned to him with confusion and intrigue, and Toby launched head first into an unabridged introduction of himself and his achievements that had everyone else groaning. But they also realized he needed this to establish his ground.

“Oh, a psychiatrist-”

“Harvard tained.” Toby reminded, shrugging innocently when Paige motioned for him to cut it out.

“Yeah, of course.” Where Toby got his degrees from was clearly not Dylan’s priority. “Hope he could help you get over the trauma of your attack?”

“What attack?” The entire team all but pounced on Dylan, who looked afraid of them for the first time. But they didn’t miss how Happy lowered her head, her hair falling across her face and hiding her expression.

“That’s why she left Japan… right?” Dylan looked at Happy to get some form of confirmation, but she was still averting her gaze from meeting any of them. He explained further at the confused and horrified expressions of the team. “She was cornered by a bunch of guys on the way home one night. They slashed her, but she still managed to get away.”

“ _Slashed her_?” Sylvester gasped, terrified, and Dylan nodded.

“I wanted her to go to the authorities, but she begged me not to, and that she just wanted to go back to the States. So I let her go.”

“Slashed her with what, exactly?” Toby frowned, concerned but at the same time skeptical.

“Some type of a dagger, if I’m not wrong?” Dylan looked to Happy again, but her only response was a heavy sigh.

Toby’s frown deepened as he recalled how they talked about their scars several weeks back, just as they were finally getting over her betrayal. “I’ve never seen a scar like that on you, how bad was it?”

“Really bad,” Dylan responded when Happy didn’t, and Toby forgot all his hostility as he looked to the other man for answers.

“It was around here.” He motioned in the general area of his collarbone. “That’s why I said she must have had great plastic surgery, because there’s no way it didn’t scar. It was bleeding like crazy.”

“She was fine when she first joined,” Walter spoke up for the first time. “I think I would have noticed if she had sustained such a severe injury only a few months prior.”

Toby shook his head as Walter spoke, trying to fit together his knowledge of both medical procedures and Happy. “The only way to hide something like that would be an allogeneic skin graft. Which I know you’ve never had.”

Happy finally looked up again, but locked her gaze on a nearby wall. “Look, can we just do what we came here to-”

“The blood packet.” Toby blurted out. “That case with the safe robbers when Sly got a little blown up, when we had to interrogate that guy, you came up with the idea of the fake blood packet and for Cabe to pretend to stab me in the leg to get him to talk.”

Dylan’s eyes widened as he glanced between the group of people standing in front of him. “Wha… what do you guys _do_ , exactly?” He asked, somewhat scared, but nobody paid any attention to him.

“You said you had them because-”

Happy finally made eye contact with Toby, shaking her head as she mouthed his name in a silent plea.

“ _This_ is the boyfriend you needed to teach a lesson to?” The only thing keeping Toby from full out shouting was that they were in an indoor diner they really couldn’t get kicked out of just yet. Not until they had the papers signed.

“Uhm,” Dylan was becoming increasingly confused and uncomfortable. “I’m not exactly her boyfri-”

“We know!” The others yelled, effectively cutting him off. They themselves were too shocked by this latest revelation to engage in conversation with him at the moment.

“What lesson?” Dylan pressed, hurt leaking into his voice now.

“I hated it there!” Happy finally snapped. “You know I hated it there, but you still refused to go back to the States. I had to do _something_.”

There was a stunned silence from the entire group, broken when Dylan finally spoke again after adding everything up. “You faked the attack to get an excuse to go back?”

“You never listened to anything else,” she muttered disdainfully. Toby sighed heavily beside her, and she braced herself for a snide remark from him about her and her pathetic lack of honesty, for all their progress of the past few weeks to come undone again.

But for once he didn’t comment, though when she dared to look up at him again, his face was once again back to being tired and strained. He just nudged her, wordlessly asking her to please just carry on with the real reason they were here.

“Okay,” she glanced at Cabe who had quietly taken the envelope containing the papers from her just before she went up to Dylan, forcing herself to ignore the disappointment clear on his face as well until this was finally over.

Dylan watched the exchange curiously, smiling at the rest albeit a little confused now that he realized it was more than a coincidence Happy was here with her friends. “What’s going on?”

“I… er-”

“Happy needs to divorce you so that she and Toby can get married in the future,” Walter interrupted in his usual brusque way, intercepting Cabe handing Happy the envelope who handed it to a now very bewildered Dylan.

Everyone spun around to Walter, glaring daggers at him for his total lack of sensitivity. Happy in particular looked like she would actually kill him, and Toby gently rested a hand on her wrist to hold her back.

“What? That’s the only reason we’re all here.” Walter shrugged off the team before turning back to Dylan. “Since the two of you do not share any properties or children, it’s a very straightforward process. We have all the papers drawn out, all we need is your signature and you can be on your way.”

“Oh.” Was all Dylan could get out, as he processed what Walter just said. “I, uhm, yeah. Sure?” It came out more as a question, still bemused as he slowly opened the envelope.

“Doesn’t sound too enthusiastic about it, Toby should be worried.” Walter commented to Paige, who elbowed him in the stomach as she hissed for him to shut up.

Happy was half hiding behind Toby as they watched Dylan read through the papers. Their future was entirely in Dylan’s hands for the next few crucial minutes, and she hated that complete lack of control. She was glad that when he first saw her again he had been the same old over-enthusiastic hugger he’d always been. But between how crass Walter was demanding he sign the papers, and then her lies in Japan coming out, he could very well snap and refuse to sign just to spite her.

“Yeah, no, of course.” He finally replied as he finished reading through the papers. “About time we legally got rid of each other, huh, Quinn?”

He was smiling as he sat down again and grabbed a pen to start signing the papers, and Happy finally allowed herself to breathe again. “So, should I sue for spousal support or…” He teased, and everyone breathed a sigh of relief that Dylan was reacting to all this in the best possible way.

“Here you go,” he handed the papers back to Happy without a trace of disdain or bitterness. “And thank your lawyer for me, too.”

“Heywood’s really good. After he finally found the law library, that is.” Sylvester laughed a little. “Speaking of, we should call him and arrange a meeting to submit the papers.”

Walter snatched the papers from Happy and ignored the glares as he reviewed them. “Thank you, Dylan.” He stretched out his hand and when Happy’s almost ex-husband shook it, he laughed.

“This really is long overdue, Quinn. Why didn’t we do this sooner?”

Biting her cheek, Happy shrugged. “We were young and stupid? And I ran.”

“That’s not just you,” Dylan told her. “I’ve been on the move from the moment I could be.”

Sensing how this could get more personal again, Paige thanked Dylan again and announced how they had to go. “I promised my son I’d bring him something back. These three guys promised to go shop with me.”

“I thought you’d forgotten about it,” Walter all but whined, and Paige glared at him.

“Do you seriously think I ever forget about Ralph?”

All grumbling, Paige smiled at them as she corralled Walter, Cabe, and Sly towards the door, prodding them forward as they each took a turn to look back.

Toby and Happy exchanged glances, clearly the team had planned this in secret to leave them here with Dylan to talk things out. And while they both knew it was a good thing - Happy did need proper closure more than just Dylan’s signature on a few pieces of paper - they also didn’t expect it to be this sudden.

They turned back to Dylan with sheepish smiles, and Happy’s heart dropped when she saw his previous cheeriness replaced with a more pensive and solemn expression.

“I… I didn’t know Japan was that bad, Happy.” Dylan sounded all but heartbroken when he finally spoke up again. “I’m sorry I never realized how hard it was for you. Why didn’t you just sit me down and tell me?”

Happy could _feel_ Toby stiffen beside her, and winced preemptively thinking that he’d throw in a snide now about her lack of honesty, but he remained silent.

Dylan seemed to realize how tense it had become, and tried to change the mood. “But either way, you seem to be in a great place now, and I’m thrilled for you.” He smiled wide, before dropping his voice almost conspiratorially. “What do you guys do, though? I mean, getting blown up and pretending to stab each other for show?”

“Homeland Security consultants,” Toby replied in his usual, casual tone. It was as if he was talking to anyone _but_ his girlfriend’s (barely) ex-husband who had just revealed another instance of her inability to be honest with the people she was closest to, and Happy looked up at him in disbelief. “The rest is classified,” he winked, and the way Dylan laughed easily at that would have appeared to an outsider as if they were close friends.

“Well, that’s really not what I imagined you’d be doing,” he said to Happy.

“What did you think I’d be doing?” She laughed nervously while running her hand through her hair.

“Something with cars definitely, or maybe as a mechanical engineer.”

“She’s both,” Toby told him proudly. “She’s the best mechanical engineer in the world.”

Dylan sat back down and motioned for them to join him, which they did. He studied them and they grew antsy under his scrutiny until he broke into another huge smile. “I’ve never seen you this happy, Happy. This is really good.”

“It is,” she agreed, squeezing Toby’s hand and blushing when he kissed her palm.

“How long have you two been-”

“Together?” Toby supplied to the other man nodding. “Romantically, since January. We’ve known each other for years and-”

“He’s my best friend,” Happy interjected. She bit her lip and then narrowed her eyes at how Dylan tilted his head. “What?”

“You two are,” he paused, trying to find the right word and then smiled. “You two are so well suited for each other. I’ve only just met you, Toby, but I knew Quinn here a long time ago and this is the first time I’ve seen her look this, this relaxed.”

Happy nearly swallowed her tongue hearing that. “Relaxed is the last thing I feel. And you know I’m good at hiding.” She winced as soon as the words left her mouth and Toby squeezed her side. Fumbling as she tried to smooth a situation that Toby told her she didn’t have to, Dylan spoke again.

“Were you afraid that I wouldn’t sign?”

She nodded and Dylan looked slighted but more amused than anything. “This is long overdue, and I’m sorry to admit now that our reasons for marrying were anything but romantic or traditional.”

Toby kept quiet and Dylan grinned as his eyes flit between the two of them. “The gruff one-” Both geniuses supplied Walter’s name with lips curling. “Walter said you two wanted to get married, congratulations!”

“Oh.” Happy’s cheeks grew pinker and told him how it’s still a way off. “But, you know, can’t make plans to marry when you’re already married.”

Dylan exhaled and for what Toby noted as the first time in their entire exchange with him that morning, the man looked down and now it was Toby’s turn to switch back to his inquisitive roots. 

“What about you?” Toby asked, confident that he knew the answer based on reading Dylan’s body language alone. “Do you have anyone special in your life? Someone that being legally single will benefit from?”

Happy elbowed him lightly and Dylan laughed, blushing himself now. “It’s okay. And to answer your question, Toby, I might.”

“Ooh!” Now Toby was intrigued and leaned closer with his elbows on the table and his chin resting in his palms.

Dylan, after checking the time and saying he didn’t have to be in the office for another hour told them how after nearly a decade of never staying in the same place for more than a few months, that he was ready to put down roots of his own. “I mean, I accepted this job and it’s a desk job. Me with a desk job.”

Happy smiled small and the tension evaporated more as he continued to tell them about a woman who he’d met before taking the job make him want a home base for the first time he could remember. “No offense,” he said quickly.

“None taken.” She looked at Toby and said how introducing her estranged husband to her serious boyfriend pretty much eliminated any place for judgement. “I’m glad to see you’ve enjoyed yourself. You always wanted to see the world, and you have.”

Dylan raised an eyebrow at that. “Why does that sound like you’ve been stalking me throughout the years?” He asked with a smile that showed he didn’t mind, and Happy blushed lightly again as she admitted to it.  

“I knew we should have gotten that divorce a long time ago, but you were never easy to track down.”

“You know how much I love travelling and getting lost,” he replied with an easy shrug. “But now I’m seeing the appeal of settling down too. I’m sorry for dragging you around with me when you didn’t want to,” he added after a pause.

Happy winced at the reminder, not wanting what she did in Japan to be any further amplified just as Toby had started trusting her again. But he still didn’t react to that, smiling at her like he always did, and she knew she had to make sure Dylan never made the same mistake she did.

“Do yourself a favor,” Happy said with a wry smile. “Tell her that you were married.”

He laughed nervously and said they’re not that serious yet.

“Which means you are,” Toby noted in his _you can’t fool the genius behaviorist_ tone. “The way your eyes darted around and that waver in your voice-”

Happy elbowed him lightly again to cut him off. “Stop it, Doc,” she warned, but there was no edge to it and it was clear how proud she was of her boyfriend.

Dylan raised his hands in surrender and admitted that yes, it was becoming fairly serious, and Toby sat back with that smug smile on his face. “I just didn’t let it get that far because…” He waved somewhat awkwardly at the air between them. “So thank you for this, and I will tell her.”

“Thank you, too.” When Toby spoke again it was sincere with that teasing edge gone. “For looking out for Happy when she needed it the most.”

Happy looked up at Toby, still unable to believe how well he was handling meeting her estranged husband, and he squeezed her hand under the table. 

Dylan smiled small as he replied. “That’s what we did, wasn’t it, Quinn? Look out for each other?”

Happy could only smile tightly at that, looking down as she nodded, and Toby nudged her gently to say what’s on her mind.

“You were my first real friend,” she added softly, and he grinned at her as he recalled aloud how she was never close with anyone the whole time he’d known her.

Toby’s eyes brightened at that, and Happy knew he wanted to find out more about her childhood from Dylan. And she wasn’t sure if she was comfortable enough to have her boyfriend ask more about her past from her estranged husband, but thankfully the conversation was cut short when Dylan’s phone pinged with a text.

“I need to go,” He informed them apologetically after reading the text. “There’s been an emergency at one of our centers in Malawi and I need to coordinate some stuff.”

“Oh, of course,” Happy tried to hide her relief that this awkwardness was finally over, as grateful as she was for getting this closure with Dylan, and Toby offered that if Dylan’s NGO ever needed ‘professional’ help he could always call Scorpion.

“Between genocidal dictators and armed art forgery cartels, we have a fair amount of experience in Africa.” He added, and Dylan’s eyes widened again as he nodded slowly.

“Okay… sure,” he packed up his stuff, then walked over to hug them both goodbye. “I’m sorry things became so messy,” he apologized to Happy again. “And thank you, for everything.”

Dylan scurried off into the crowds after wishing them well, leaving the two of them at the door of the diner. Toby looked around outside for the rest of team, but they were nowhere to be seen. “Forget being geniuses, these guys are practically Houdini 2.0,” he muttered, and Happy couldn’t help laughing despite knowing that yet another heavy conversation was coming. Toby smiled at her before nodding toward the street and motioning _let’s go_ , stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jacket. That stung, he’d usually always want to hold her hand, but Happy knew it was one of the last things she should be worried about.

Toby had taken meeting Dylan significantly better than Happy ever hoped, and she was grateful to him for that. But him finding out about what she’d done to Dylan in Japan, lying to him to get out of there, she was terrified what he was thinking of her after that.

He didn’t talk as they crossed the street and found themselves walking along the canals. Happy wasn’t getting a particular sense of hostility or disappointment from him, but neither was there any of the love and exuberance that had started filtering back into him since their breakthrough on the night of his birthday. The scenic calm and quiet around them only served to worsen the storm inside of her, and she reached a point where she couldn’t bear his silence any more, that she’d rather lay it all out in another screaming match than this.

“Toby?” She touched his arm lightly, and he stopped walking to face her, looking so torn and lost. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Japan and the… I knew it was too much even when I did it, but I was so tired of that place and I just wanted to come back home. And… and I know none of that is a reason for not telling you, especially after everything of the last few months, but I just… I don’t know, I’m so embarrassed that I went to that extreme and I thought if I never brought it up again I could pretend like it never happened. Which I know is the exact reason why we were in this whole mess to begin with and-”

“Hap.” He cut her off. “Just calm down, okay?”

She nodded, waiting for him to continue, but he didn’t say anything else. Slipping his hand out of his pocket, he interlaced it with hers before carrying on walking along. Happy was nervous at his silence, it was almost impossible for her to read him when he was this stoic, but at least him wanting to hold her hand must mean something positive, mustn’t it?

Finally, they reached a vacant bench and he tugged her down to sit beside him. He still didn’t speak though, so she took it upon herself to breach the subject. It was all her fault after all. Again.

“Does this undo all our healing of the past weeks?” She asked quietly, terrified of his answer but still shifting closer to lean against him and rest her head on his shoulder.

He tensed beside her, before he sighed and turned slightly to kiss the top of her head. She felt him shaking his head, before turning further to wrap his arms around her. “We’re still good, Hap.” He murmured softly. “It’s okay.”

The sense of relief that enveloped her was immense and she relaxed and hugged him back, whispering yet another apology into his chest just as she’s been doing far too much of as of late.

Toby pulled back just enough to rest his forehead against hers. “You just wanted to go home. I can’t hold that against you.” Happy smiled gratefully as she closed the gap between them again to kiss him, which he gladly reciprocated.

When they finally broke apart, Toby stood up and walked over to the canal, leaning against the railing. She got up and followed him, and he interlaced their hands again when she reached him. He was still uncharacteristically silent, so she murmured how the scene in front of them would have been so romantic if there wasn’t this divide between them.

“But there isn’t.” A small smile was playing on his lips. “You’re properly single now, or at least once Heywood submits the papers.” He paused and frowned lightly. “At least I hope he can do that properly… we better escort him to the courthouse in case he accidentally messes everything up.”

Happy couldn’t help but giggle at that, and Toby moved to face her and hold both of her hands in his. "Be my girlfriend, Happy Quinn, officially?"

She looked up at him, worried, and asked whether she wasn’t already, and he just looked straight at her. “You know what I mean, sweetheart.”

“Yeah, I do know what you mean.” She bit her lip as she looked down.

Toby knew she was going to start apologizing again, and hooked a finger under her chin to make her look back up at him. “Hey, it's all officially over now, Hap. There's no point in rehashing the past again, let's just move forward now and do it properly, okay?" He swung their hands playfully. “So, wanna officially be my girlfriend?”

Eagerness and hope were practically radiating off him, and Happy felt a warmth spread from her heart through to her entire body, something she had been taking for granted when they had first started their relationship, that had been sorely missed in the most recent months. “Of course, Toby.” She was smiling so widely that though she pulled him down, she could hardly kiss him properly.

Toby pulled away gently after a while, tugging her to stand in front of him as he hugged her from behind, resting his chin on her shoulder. “This place is really beautiful,” she commented, finally seeing the city spread out in front of her, out of her panicked and fearful haze.

“Not nearly as beautiful as you, my love,” Toby kissed her temple, the both of them grinning at his cheesy but sweet cliche. “But yes, we should really find some time to come and explore Europe on a real vacation, and not just to save the world from yet another disaster.”

Happy slipped her hand into her inner jacket pocket to make sure the papers were still there, before turning in his arms. “You know, we might not have to wait so long for that.”

“What?”

Smirking at his confusion, she pulled out the slips of paper from her pocket and handed them to him. “Managed to wrangle Walt into giving us ten days off. We deserve it.”

Toby’s jaw dropped open slightly as he read the papers - their tickets to Brittany and hotel reservations at an incredible chateau converted to a hotel, right near the ocean. “How- how did you…?”

“Remember when Sly won all the stuff from the Price is Right, and one of the prices was a tour package across Europe? Sly practically had to wrestle the itinerary out of your hands when he managed to sell it online, it wasn’t that hard to see that you wanted to come here. The hard part was not strangling Walter the whole time it took me to fight for the time off.”  

“I’m surprised Walt’s still alive,” he raised an eyebrow as he looked back at her, then smiled. “Looks like I’m rubbing off on you, huh?”

“I do pay attention to you as much as you pay attention to me, though I know I hardly show it.” She blushed lightly. “I know you love romance and what's more romantic than us in the suite of a castle on the coast of France?”

Toby was still in a daze of disbelief. “Really?”

“It was either be in one place for the whole time or run around Europe, but I figured why not stay there, we could use a bit of stability and calm instead of always having to rush around. And,” she smiled coyly, “we could always come back and explore more over time, right?”

Suddenly, he just picked her up and spun her around. “I have the best girlfriend in the world!” He exclaimed spiritedly, and she could only giggle and then pepper his face with kisses when he set her down.

Toby couldn’t believe how she was being so affectionate, and the realization struck him that this might have been what she wanted all along, to be so open and comfortable around him, even in public. As long as she had been keeping her secrets she couldn’t let her walls down to be this carefree, he knew, but now that it was all behind them, he couldn’t wait to see what this and the future stages of their relationship would bring.

“You have no idea how wonderful this is, Hap.” She grinned and snuggled into his side as he reread the tickets and reservations after she finally let go of him. “I can’t wait to experience France with you.”

Her smile was the biggest he had ever seen from her, and so infectious. It was as if in this one moment they were making up for all the times they hadn’t smiled over the past months. “I know. I can’t wait to experience France with you, too.” Then her innocent smile grew into something decidedly more suggestive. “And I can’t wait to experience you in France either.”

* * *

After walking along the canals for a while more, Toby and Happy returned to the hotel just in time to meet the team for an early dinner before the others had to leave for the airport. Paige, Sly, and Cabe were grinning widely as they watched them walk in with their hands intertwined, and while Walter did have an air of relief around him too his expression was mostly one of annoyance.

“I take it you agreed to Happy’s little elopement plan, then?” He asked Toby as they sat down, and the latter spluttered.

“I… I’m sorry, what?”

“ _Walter_ ,” Paige hissed, but he just shrugged and said there was no other reason why they needed to run off to Brittany for two weeks.

“Ten days,” Happy corrected him, the memory of negotiating those days off ingrained into her brain.

“I can’t believe I agreed to losing a third of my team for nearly two weeks,” he grumbled. “Though I hope you haven’t forgotten about the six month cooling period, or that just because Dylan signed the papers doesn’t mean they’ve been submitted to the court yet. Legally, you’re still married to him.” He added in his usual arrogant way.

Toby could feel Happy tense up beside him, and he could have killed Walter for bringing it all up again just when they had finally been able to put everything to rest.

“We haven’t forgotten, and we certainly don’t need you reminding us. Just shut up and let us have these ten days to reconnect.” He replied through gritted teeth as he held Happy’s hand, squeezing it to remind her it was over for them now no matter what the legal status was.

“But-”

“Let it go, kid,” Cabe warned Walter. “Just get something to eat, we need to leave for the airport in an hour anyway.”

“Try not to get slashed in France, too,” Walter managed to get in one last line before Paige kicked his shin hard to silence him, and Happy froze.

“That crossed the line, O’Brien,” Toby slammed his napkin on the table, about to stand up and punch Walter square in the face if it weren’t for Happy tugging his arm down to keep him seated. “You don’t need to like this, but you can shut the _fuck_ up.”

There was stunned silence at how fast Toby snapped to defend Happy, and Walter promptly kept quiet, legitimately scared of Toby for once. Wrapping his arms around her shoulders, Toby glanced at Happy to wordlessly reassure her that they were still good, and she smiled small but gratefully as she squeezed his knee under the table.

“I’ve always wanted to go to France,” Paige spoke up dreamily after a few minutes to break the tension. “I can’t believe you guys are spending ten days in Brittany.”

“ _I_ can’t believe Happy planned all of this,” Toby managed to push aside his rage at Walter to smile at his girlfriend, and she blushed lightly.

“You have to take lots of pictures to show me, okay?” Paige insisted, though she immediately regretted it as Toby smirked he had been planning to take lots of pictures anyway, “Just not the kind I’ll ever show anyone else.”

Sly whined at the mental image, though Cabe just grinned at them knowingly. “I remember the first trip Rebecca and I took together-” he started, laughing at how quickly the others cut him off with protests of TMI. “It feels amazing, this bubble of just the two of you that nothing can interrupt.”

Toby laughed as he told him not to jinx it for them, “With our luck, we’ll probably get a case in France before our trip is over,” He sighed overdramatically, and Happy finally spoke up as she said even if the rest get a case in Brittany itself they can solve it on their own.

“We’re not going to be touching any work during those ten days, so don’t even think about purposely hunting for jobs while we’re in France,” she warned Walter.

How his face dropped had everyone shaking their heads in exasperation, and Toby smirked as he couldn’t help adding that, “The only thing we’ll be touching is each other.”

With the team in a taxi to the airport, Happy and Toby went back to their room before their late checkout.

“Wha… why is Paige’s luggage in our room? You know, instead of with her on the way to airport?” Toby stopped short at the door to their room when he saw Paige’s check-in bag standing against the closet, and Happy rolled her eyes as she pushed him inside.

“I knew that you wouldn’t question Paige for bringing a checked bag on a two day trip, unlike if I did… So, I asked her to pretend my bag was hers.” She quickly took off her jacket and boots as Toby watched on, still a little confused. “Even I can’t pack ten days worth of clothes for two people in just a carry-on, Doc. Even if mine are mostly tiny pieces of lace and satin,” she smirked, and Toby’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head at the last part.

“You…” His voice was almost embarrassingly high pitched as he reached out to grab the luggage. “Can I see?”

“Not 'til Brittany,” Happy swatted his arm away and dragged him to the bed. Pushing him down into the mattress, she moved to straddle him. “But I can give you a preview of what I’ll do when we get there.”

* * *

“Uhm.” Toby stopped short on the tarmac, much to the annoyance of the ground staff who were ushering them onto the flight. “Are you sure this is…”

“It’s _fine_ , Doc, let’s go.”

“This plane doesn’t look like it can go very far.”

Seeing the ground staff approaching them, Happy tugged him toward the plane and ushered him up the steps. “It has a range of almost 1300 miles, more than enough to get us to Rennes. Thrice.”

Toby was still whining as they found their seats and stowed their cabin bags, plucking at a thread that had come loose from the stitching on his seat. “Do you remember the last time some of us got into a prop plane? They literally crashed _into the Chernobyl reactor._ ”

Happy elbowed him as a few of the other passengers around them looked up at hearing that, but Toby shrugged as he said it was true. “You’re being paranoid.” She tried to soothe him, but he was insistent this wasn’t the best way to get anywhere.

“When I said I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I meant decades not a few more minutes.”

“Toby,” she turned to grasp his hands in hers. “Relax.”

“But-”

“I got a good look at the plane when we were on the tarmac. The pitot tube protectors and the tyres looked brand new, not to mention the landing gear seemed freshly greased. And judging from the age of this aircraft, it probably just had a C-check.”

“Only a _C_?”

“It gets more extensive down the alphabet from A to D. And they’ve increased the maintenance check frequency from the previous model, so trust me we’re safe.”

“I trust you, it’s turboprop planes I don’t trust.” Toby muttered, and Happy sighed.

“Doc, this model has a centralized diagnostics system, okay? If anything’s wrong, it’ll tell the pilots immediately. Not to mention the automatic flight control system, dual air data computers, EFIS, ESID, APIRS, dual VHF…” she went on listing the specifications of the aircraft until Toby raised his hands in surrender and admitted they’d be fine.

“Wait,” He asked a few moments later, leaning back a little from her though he still kept their hands tightly interlaced. “How do you know so much about this aircraft? Apart from the whole mechanical genius part, I mean.” He chuckled and added at her raised eyebrow, but didn’t expect the deep blush that colored her cheeks a bright pink.

“What?”

Happy looked down, kicking at the footrest they had to keep retracted till after takeoff, before shifting to look back at him. “No more secrets, right?” She smiled nervously, and Toby blinked before nodding slowly.

“I, uh, I have a pilot’s license,” she fought to keep her gaze steadily on him even as his eyes widened and his jaw dropped open. “Did most of my training on the predecessor of this model, the DHC-6, so I’m pretty familiar with this one too. I’m licensed to fly that and the CRJ-100. And so technically the CRJ-200 too, it's only the engines that are different.”

Toby was still speechless, staring at her so intently she she couldn’t keep eye contact much longer. “Sorry I didn’t tell you earlier,” she mumbled to the carpeted floor under her boots. “A situation for mentioning it never really came up, and I didn’t know how to bring it up randomly like-”

“You’re a pilot?” His whisper was pure amazement and none of the anger she had feared, and when his face cracked into a massive smile she felt her blush deepen as she smiled back at him. “Sweetheart, that’s incredible!” He twisted as far as his seatbelt would allow to hug her tight. “I’m so proud of you.”

“You’re not mad I didn’t tell you earlier?” She asked softly, pulling back just enough to look at him, and he shook his head incredulously.

“Why would I be mad? I just found out my girlfriend is even more amazing and talented than I ever thought. That’s the whole point of dating, babe, there’s still so much for us to learn about each other.” He cupped her face to press a short but exuberant kiss to her lips before sitting back a little. “When, though?”

Happy looked down again, playing with his fingers. “After I came back from Japan but before joining the team… remember when I mentioned having a cousin in Phoenix?” Toby nodded and she bit her lip. “He- he isn’t exactly my cousin, more one of the older kids I lived with at one of my foster homes.”

Toby smirked at that, “Figured as much, you barely knew who your dad was back then I knew there was no way you were in contact with a cousin.”

Happy’s blush deepened further and she gave him a small smile. “Ethan, he’s seven years my senior and was basically my older brother- he was one of the only people who understood me growing up. I met him the year before he graduated high school though, so it didn’t last long, but we kept in touch.” She looked up hesitantly to gauge Toby’s reaction, but he was just smiling at her expectantly as he waited for her to tell him more.

“He did aeronautic engineering in college, and since he stayed local it means I pretty much did the full course too. But then he got a job at the Bombardier’s Arizona plant and we didn’t meet again till after I got back to the States. I didn’t really have anyone here so I stayed with him for a while and he got me an apprenticeship under him, and taught me to fly after work.”

“Wait, so could you ask to take over this flight instead? I still don’t trust the plane, but I’d feel a lot safer if you’re in charge.” Toby was all but whining as the plane started to taxi, and Happy laughed as she shook her head.

“I told you, I’m only licensed to fly the DHC-6 and CRJ-100.”

“But-”

“Flying isn’t like driving, Doc. You can’t get one license and fly any model you want, it has to be specific by type and model of aircraft. And even if it was a model I’m licensed for, not way in hell I’m flying without doing all the checks and flight logs myself.”

Toby pouted, looking nervously past her to glance out at the wing. “But you said you were familiar with this model, I’m sure you can figure it out.”

“Familiar doesn’t mean licensed, genius. Flying a plane you’re not specifically trained for is pretty much asking to crash. Plus I had wine at lunch with the team and we didn’t get much sleep last night, remember? Not that I’m complaining about the latter,” she winked and Toby smirked though he was still curious.

“But you’re not drunk or that tired, right?”

Happy shook her head, but told him how international regulation required pilots to have nine consecutive hours of sleep and to not consume alcohol for 24 hours prior to flying. “The rules are strict, but that’s why accidents happen so rarely. Alert pilots means minimum chances of pilot error, and even if something is wrong with the plane they’d be able to notice it early.”

Toby was clearly impressed as he leaned over to kiss her but his reply was cut off when the pilot announced they were taking off soon, and the roar of the twin props operating at full speed drowned out conversation for a while. It allowed him to mull over everything he’d just learnt though, and things started making sense.

“That’s how you knew to talk Walt through landing that CIA plane last year,” he commented when they were at cruising altitude and the engines were quieter.

Happy nodded. “Having the CRJ jet training helped. Though I obviously didn’t know anything about that specific model, and that’s why they still ended up crashing.”

“You’re incredible, did I ever tell you that?” Toby breathed as he wrapped an arm around her to pull her close again, and she laughed a little.

“Only all the time.”

“And that’s not remotely enough,” he smirked and kissed her, his heart warming at how she sighed in content and snuggled against him. “Not that I’m complaining in the least,” he spoke up again after a few moments. “But why’d you come back to L.A. if you were doing so well in Phoenix?”

Happy shrugged as she told him something didn’t quite fit for here there. “Something seemed… off. It didn’t make any logical sense but I wanted to move back to L.A. I met Walt a few months later, and you know the rest.”

“That something off was probably your subconscious knowing you’d only meet your soulmate if you moved back,” Toby smirked proudly, and Happy rolled her eyes good naturedly but settled further against him.

“Probably.”

He perked up with his usual smugness, but his answer was swallowed by his squeak when the plane dropped sharply in an air pocket.

“At least the flight to Vietnam was choppy because we were flying through a tornado. What excuse do these people have?” Toby grumbled, interlacing his hand with Happy’s again.

She looked up at him. “Don’t tell me you’re scared.”

“With our job description, I don’t think we can afford to be scared of bad flights. It’s not that anyway, it’s just annoying that’s all. And I’m pretty sure there’s a spring digging into my _latissimus dorsi_.”

“Walt said the airline sounded pretty good though.”

Toby glanced at her pointedly. “Walter thinks his disgusting isotonic crap is edible, I’ve stopped trusting his lifestyle choices a long time ago.”

“And that lump of scrap metal he used to call his car,” she smirked, and he burst out laughing.

“I love how you refused to even look at it after he crashed it, let alone bother fixing it.”

“I have no idea how that thing wasn’t condemned years ago.” Happy commented while all but stabbing the touch screen in front of her to get it to respond. “Urgh.” She gave up, pushing back the armrest and snuggling into Toby’s side. “Give me your phone.”

Toby wrapped an arm around her, and was about to pass the phone when he held back. “Won’t using this cause the plane to crash?”

“Common misconception.” She dug her earphones out of her bag and gave one of the buds to Toby, grabbing his phone in return. “The frequency your phone uses doesn’t overlap with any of this model’s navigation or communication systems.”

He accepted the earbud, still unsure when she turned the phone on. “This particular aircraft isn’t exactly the prime specimen for its model, if you haven’t realized it yet.”

“It’s just you imagining a spring digging into your back. If the actual avionics weren’t working properly, we’d probably already be pulverized remains on some poor farmer’s field.”

“That’s a lovely mental image.” Toby muttered. “And, for the record, I’m not imagining the spring. I’ll be lucky if this thing doesn’t bruise.”

“How I give you a massage if it does, hmm?” Happy smirked, pecking him a quick kiss as she saw that stupid grin that would spread across his face whenever she pleasantly surprised him.

“Well in that case, I sincerely hope it _does_ bruise.” Toby pulled her even closer against him. “And you know, now that I’m thinking about it, my arms are hurting pretty bad from lugging around all the bags, not to mention- Hap?” He stopped when he felt her tense against him, the playful air around her completely disappeared.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, but she was just staring at his phone. There was nothing on it that should get this reaction from her, he knew, and he leaned over to see what she was looking at at. “What?” He prodded again- it was only his most played playlist- and she finally looked up at him with a mixture of guilt and sadness.

“Since when do you listen to so much Taylor Swift and Adele?” It would have been funny in any other context, but Happy knew the general style of the two artists though she didn’t listen to them herself. There was no way it was a coincidence that they had been collectively played hundreds of times recently.

Toby caught on himself, but pretended to ignore the implication she was getting at for her sake. “Just figured it was time to modernize my taste in music,” he shrugged nonchalantly. “And weren’t you the one complaining about my- I quote- ‘80’s nonsense’? You should be relieved, cupcake.”

She didn’t reply, still staring blankly at his playlist, and Toby knew she was likely blaming herself for being the reason he had been so upset over the past few months.

“Look, when we get back to an internet connection why don’t you pick out the songs I should get, hmm? I’ve grown immune to your rap and screaming metal by now.”

Happy appreciated how much effort he was putting in to make her feel better, managing a small smile. “You know I don’t listen to screaming-”

Toby grabbed the phone from her and stuffed it inside his jacket, nodding over to the steward walking past them when she stared at him in confusion.

“I told you. It’s fine.” She rolled her eyes good naturedly as she took the phone back.

“Yeah, but _he_ might not know that. What if he sees it and kicks us out?”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “We’re 20 000 feet in the air, he can’t kick us out even if he wants to.”

“Hmm,” Toby pretended to consider it, glad that this had taken her mind off their previous conversation. “Unless he’s suicidal himself, and figures ‘Hey, this is a pretty good way to kill two birds with one stone.’. Or rather”, he looked around the cabin. “About a hundred people with one plane.”

“Let me guess,” Happy said, knowing her boyfriend all too well. “This is the part where you start rattling off an entire textbook on the psyche behind murder suicide?”

He smirked playfully, “Do you want me to?’

A wave of exhaustion swept over her suddenly, all the travelling and jet lag of the past two days catching up with her, along with the relief of having a burden of almost a decade be lifted off her shoulders. Toby recognized how she was blinking to stay awake, and smiled into her hair. “Or you can sleep, I’ll wake you up when we get there.”

Happy nodded gratefully as she settled against him, letting his warmth, and the background humming of the engines, lull her to sleep.

* * *

“Merci, madame,” the valet told Happy as she handed him the keys to the Maserati they rented to take them from the airport to the chateau she booked them into.

Stumbling out of the passenger side door, Toby saw their bags already next to him and she looped her arm through his to lead him in.

_“You’re going to make me lose my hat,” he accused, sharpness in his tone as he held the hat to his head tightly._

_The look on her face at his tone had him soften only to shriek when she swerved with the winding road._

_“And how is that bad?” She glanced at him and he shrieked again to get her eyes back on the road. “You know I don’t like the hat much so if it’s lost I won’t be crushed.”_

_“Fine,” Toby snapped, grabbing the hat off his head and holding it to his chest. “My hat is now safe but I still want to make it to the hotel in one piece. It’ll suck if we die before I get to check hotel sex with you off my bucket list.”_

_“What are you talking about?” Her eyes barely flitted over to him as she said they had hotel sex twice yesterday._

_As her speed evened out, still faster than he was comfortable with but no longer as erratic, he loosened his grip on his hat. “My bucket list, you’ve already helped me with the college dance and I love that we finally had hotel sex together. But I’ve got more I’d like to do.”_

_“Those things all with me, cowboy?”_

_“They’re all with you,” he smirked. He was back to screaming and clutching his hat while pleading with her to drive carefully as she took another hairpin turn with an unsettling air of nonchalance. “All of what I want to do I want to do with you. Have for a long time before we officially got together.”_

_Happy grinned and patted Toby’s knee. “Don’t worry then, I won’t let anything happen to you.”_

_“Eyes on the road!” he screeched. “But none of that is going to happen if we die in a fiery car crash so_ please _slow down.”_

_Her eyes couldn’t have rolled harder. Then, the GPS announced their destination would be in front of them in nine minutes._

_“I’ll make it there in six,” Happy grinned, ignoring Toby’s protests as she shifted gears and accelerated forward._

Check-in went smoothly, save the mixup with being mistaken for newlyweds. Toby froze but Happy, to her credit, recovered quickly saying they weren’t married. “But that’s not to stop us from treating this like a honeymoon,” she smirked.

The young man at the front desk got red and fumbled handing the their room keys. He asked if they needed help getting their bags to their rooms, but Toby declined the offer, knowing full well that once they got into their room any interruption would be very unwelcome. Grabbing ‘Paige’s’ luggage and his own carry-on, he ushered Happy toward the lift lobby and into an elevator that was thankfully empty except for them.

“Hey,” Toby lowered his voice as his arm wrapped around her waist. “You okay, babe?”

She bit her lip and nodded. “I’m more than okay.”

The way he raised his eyebrows and squeezed her hip wordlessly conveyed his worry for how she was coping with the newlywed mixup. Yes, it was raw for her that they weren’t there but she understood. She and Toby were in a good place with marriage being a future for them both. So, for now, she was content to wait.

He saw her inner workings the way her eyes blanked telling him that she was deep in thought. He knew how the last few days, hell, the last few weeks and months, had been grueling and this getaway was more than needed. They had come so far with their communication and when she murmured to him it was only a comment and she had faith in _them_ , Toby was able to relax and switch over to breezy vacation mode.

He slung his arms around her waist and nuzzled into her hair. “I can’t believe you arranged all this, cupcake. I can’t wait to forget the rest of the world and show you how much you’re my world.”

Happy blushed yet she had a twinkle in her eye. “You’re such a sap, Doc.”

“But I’m your sap, cupcake.”

She rolled her eyes mumbling how that nickname needed to die.

He growled low and told her it never would, holding her close to nibble the spot behind her ear that was her kryptonite. His fingers grazed the skin above her waistband and as he elicited soft moans from her, she tugged at his curls and his lips stopped.

“It’s the least I could do,” she said quietly.

“Hey, hey.” He slid his hands up her neck to cup her face and looked into her eyes. “That’s all behind us.”

She averted his gaze and he kissed her, partly to have her look at him again but also because he really needed to kiss her. Happy deepened it and pressed him back into the corner. The tension that seeped back into her melted away again and her hands slid down to undo his belt.

“Don’t try to distract me with sex, love. Wait until we’re alone in our room.”

Happy was now the one whining and Toby chuckled as the elevator dinged to indicate they were at their floor. Grateful that there was nobody waiting to get on the elevator, he quickly pulled his shirt down to cover his undone belt buckle before grabbing their bags and walking down the hall to their room.

“Wow.” Toby’s jaw dropped as they stepped into their _room_. “My entire apartment could fit in here.”

She chuckled. “It’s a suite, it’s supposed to be ‘lavish.’ At least that’s what the website said when Sly helped me book this.”

“Remind me to thank that kid when we’re back,” Toby stated, his finger dragging over the granite tops of the sideboard in what was the living room before gingerly setting his hat down on it.

Happy came up behind him as he poked his head into the bedroom. “Nice, isn’t it?”

Nice didn’t come close to what he thought as they surveyed the queen-sized, four poster bed in the center of the room. Ornate end tables flanked the bed with intricate lamps on either side. “We’ll need to be careful not to break anything,” he mused.

She said they weren’t animals and was certain they’d behave. “Not too much though…” Her hand slid into his back pocket to give him a squeeze. He yelped and she leaned up to kiss his neck. “See, I don’t need to do much to have you putty in my hands.”

Not one to be outdone, Toby scooped her into his arms and had her a giggling mess as he spun her around. He walked over with her in his arms to the en-suite bathroom and his eyes widened at more granite countertops and an enormous claw foot bathtub. “We’ll fit in there easily,” she purred in his ear. “And that shower looks like fun, too.”

The shower stall was partially open with clear glass halfway across. There was a huge rain shower head that had Toby’s eyes sparkle as he told her how he’d always loved to have one of those. “Not too practical for home, but super fun in a hotel.”

Happy laughed and agreed, then grinned as she saw the built-in shower bench made of the same granite that covered the shower walls. “That looks convenient for a lot of fun, too.” She turned back to see Toby’s eyes already darkened with lust. “No point of showering when we’re already clean though, let’s get a little dirty first?” She asked as she dragged him back out to the living room, laughing as he murmured how she was going to kill him if she kept talking like that.

They stopped when he spotted the second bedroom. She simply grinned and told him how one bed was for all their dirty fun while the other was to have a clean bed to sleep in. He hugged her to him in front of her and whispered in her ear that she’d thought of everything. Happy looked up at him and said that was her goal.

She led him back to the living room where Toby’s eyes darted to the large suitcase on one of the luggage racks. “I need to know, what fun did you pack for us, sugar plum?” He stared expectantly at her. “Am I allowed to look now?”

She quirked an eyebrow and asked just how much he likes surprises.

“I love them, but I’m also impatient.”

Laughing, Happy told him to hold off then. “Here,” she said as she unzipped the bag and pulled something out. “Think of all the fun we’ll have with this while I change into something sexier.”

Toby gulped as he took the full-size bottle of lube from her and she told him to lose his shirt. “I’ll be right back, Doc.”

Watching her grab what looked like lacy lingerie, he had his shirt over his head momentarily and nearly fell to the floor pulling his belt free.

Sitting down on the edge of the bed, he felt a massive wave of calm flood over him despite how eager he was for all of what Happy had been teasing him with. They were finally in such a good place, after almost an year of being together and close to a decade of growing from just colleagues to friends to best friends to where they are now.

Then his gaze dropped to the large bottle of lube in his hand, and he couldn’t help grinning _just what_ Happy had planned for this trip and how grateful he was that they were equally hot for each other. Unable to help laughing a little as he tossed the bottle between his hands, he knew he couldn’t wait for them to start using it.

“Doc…”

Her voice made him look up and his jaw dropped. He gulped and his eyes glued onto her legs walking over to him. Happy may have promised him that she didn’t want him dead, but wearing lingerie like this made his heart skip a beat. But not before setting the bottle down on the end table so his hands would be free for her.

The heels were shiny black leather and sky high that matched the black lace thong and bra she wore. Standing in front of him, she wiggled her chest _just so_ that the material moved to reveal it was slit in a way that her nipples peeked out. The dark pink, hardened buds beckoned him as she settled onto his lap

She grinded down and he groaned at how she teased his erection under his jeans. “What do you think, a good surprise?”

He nodded furiously and she inched closer, sighing when her nipple brushed over his scruff.

“May I?” He held her back, looking up for consent before she nodded and he took her nipple between his lips. Toby knew she liked a hard pressure and sucked it into his mouth as he brought a hand up to massage her other breast.

They lost themselves in the _feel_ of each other, Happy’s hands holding the back of his head and wandering down his chest. His jeans ended up on the floor in a pile and skin on skin she sunk deeper onto him with only cotton and lace between them.

He jerked when she circled her hips and he buried his face in her neck. “I can see that my girl had one thing on her mind for this trip.”

Toby tilted his head and glanced between them, crumbling her feigned indifference as she laughed. Nipping his earlobe, she whispered in his ear. “The only thing I’m doing this trip is you,” he smiled and then blanked when she finished her sentence. “And driving that Maserati.”

She reminded him that whining was not sexy and he said being alive sure was. “We don’t need to drive, babe. This town is perfect to explore by foot.”

“You want to spend more time exploring…”

“Exploring you, honey bear.” He peppered kisses across her collarbone and murmured into her skin that there were so many surfaces they had there. “Why waste all this space restricting ourselves to bed?”

“Absolutely.” She pushed down one bra strap and as his lips wrapped around her nipple again, she added, “But I really want to drive that car more, Doc.”

“More than you want to ride me?”

She gave his shoulder a warning squeeze and he pouted, kissing softly across her breasts. “Seriously, I don’t want to die, Hap.”

He said how they’d need to drive back to Rennes so that’s another chance to be behind the wheel again. Back and forth didn’t produce any agreement so she silenced him with a crushing kiss.

“We can go over this tomorrow, but now…” Happy cupped him and he whimpered.

“Too much for you? Wouldn’t want to kill you with pleasure,” she teased.

“Not possible.” He gulped and sat up straighter so he could form coherent sentences. “Besides, you’re the one who’s multi-orgasmic.”

She bit her lip and he slipped his hands under the lace covering her hips. “I’ll have you screaming my name before you know it. After all, Casanova has nothing on me as a lover.”

“You’re awfully confident.” Her finger shushed any retort and he licked her finger.

She giggled, asking how he planned on doing that without getting them kicked out.

“I don't care if we do. But we won’t. This place is built for wild sex and I love when you’re loud.”

“That’s true,” she agreed. “Besides, we might not be on our honeymoon but we’re certainly back into the honeymoon phase of our relationship.”

Toby faltered for a second at that, not knowing how to react to Happy so casually bringing up something that was raw for them both. But she didn’t seem to mind that slip, and the last thing he wanted was to ruin this amazing moment, so he pushed it aside. “Let’s be loud and proud, babe,” he smirked.

Happy kissed his neck, satisfied the talking was wrapping up and murmured how it was time to shed the rest of their clothes.

“But keep the shoes on,” he stuttered.

She nodded and slipped her hand him into his boxers to slowly stroke him, eager to begin their reconnecting.

* * *

* * *

_They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for._

_\- Tom Bodett_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you have any favorite moments in this chapter? We'd love to read what they are and reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time =D


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for continuing to read and we hope you enjoy this latest chapter!

_Forgive yourself for the decisions you have made, the ones you still call mistakes when you tuck them in at night._ _  
_ _\- Sarah Kay_

* * *

* * *

Nighttime temperatures in Brittany turned out to be lower than Happy had anticipated. _Not that it should matter,_ she realized even in her semi-conscious state, _where’s Toby?_ She turned over, only to land face-first on his ice-cold pillow. Shivering as she got up, and not just because of the cold, she looked around the bedroom and ensuite but found no sign of him.

A loud groan of frustration rang out from the living room area, and she cracked open the door to see Toby sitting at the table with his tablet. She was about to go over to him when she heard him speak.

“ _Yes, I know._ ” He all but growled at the tablet, and it was then that she noticed he had his headphones plugged in. “I thought everything was good too, but this is just so _incredible_. I mean who would ever think of doing something like that?”

Happy had a sinking feeling she knew what he was talking about, and to whom, the silence as he listened to the other person on the line was unbearable.

“That's just the problem, man. I love her so much and I want to be able to trust her as wholeheartedly as I used to. And I was so close, but then he had to go and reveal-”

Closing her eyes, Happy rested her head against the wall behind her. She had known it was only wishful thinking that Toby was able to completely brush off what Dylan revealed the previous day. As grateful as she was that Toby hadn't spun it into another fight, there was a part of her that wished he felt comfortable enough to confide his feelings in her first, before talking to Rory.

“I know it had nothing to do with me or us,” Toby continued. “But it still scares me, you know? If she was willing to go to such an extreme to get away from him when she was young, what might she pull on me?”

He sighed heavily, burying his face in his hands for a few seconds before looking up. “I am so impossibly in love with her. I can't imagine a life without her, especially not after I know now what it's like when we're distant. But what if she can never trust me enough to be completely honest? If she does something like that and runs, I don't know-”

She couldn't take it anymore, hearing Toby sound this heartbroken that he didn’t feel he could bring himself to trust her. A part of her wanted to go up to him and hold him and apologize until they made _some_ breakthrough, but the more rational part of her knew how important it was for him to be able to talk it out with the person who was the most qualified to help him. Even if she wasn’t that person.

It killed her that she hadn’t told him about the incident, but initially it was the last thing she needed to add on to their tension, and after they’d started getting better she was terrified that he’d judge her again. Plus a part of her didn’t want to remember this part of her life more than she had to. She knew it was that same fear and reluctance to tell Toby things that had gotten them into this entire mess in the first place, but for some stupid reason she had thought she could cheat fate and truth one last time. Dylan had been a complete wildcard, the one factor she hadn’t added when computing the probability that Toby wouldn’t find out.

It was about fifteen minutes later that Toby came back to the bedroom. Happy was curled up on her side at the edge of the bed as usual, and he seemed to buy at first that she was sleeping. But, when he pressed the gentlest of kisses to her shoulder before settling in behind her and hugging her to him, she couldn’t help the sniffle that escaped her.

“Hap?” He propped himself up on his elbow to see her better, but she only buried her face further into her pillow, shaking her head. When he reached over to run his knuckles down her cheek, he felt them wet with the telltale pattern of tear tracks. She didn’t respond when he implored her name again, so he carefully climbed over her to kneel on the floor just in front of her.

“You heard, didn’t you?”

She only nodded, and Toby felt like the worst monster on earth. “Oh, sweetheart, please don’t take it the wrong way. I was just really shocked, that’s all.”

“That I still hid something from you?” Her voice was raspy from the tears in her throat.

Toby shook his head. “That things were so bad you had to do that. Hey.” He thumbed away her tears. “If you ever feel so trapped or helpless again, please tell me, okay? I’ll do everything I can to make things better, you’ll never have to resort to anything like that as far as I can help it.

Happy finally looked at him, and even in the darkness of the room he could see how bloodshot her eyes were. “Please don’t cry. Haven’t we done enough of that at home already?”

“I thought I’d hurt you enough at home already, too. But no, even with everything that happened I still didn’t tell you about my stupid-”

“Hey, hey.” He gently shushed her. She was blaming herself so much and it killed him. “Yes, it would have been nice if you told me, but, _but_ ,” he rushed to emphasize as tears fell down her cheeks again. “That doesn’t change anything between us. We’re in a good place now, and I’m not going to let any of that bubble up and tear us apart again. Can you believe me when I say that, Hap?”

“I’m so sorry, Toby,” she whispered, and he ran a hand through her hair, kissing her temple as he implored her to please stop apologizing.

“We’re good, Hap, and we’re only going to get stronger from here on out. I love you.”

“How?”

Toby was taken aback. “Wh… what?”

Her face was contorted with sorrow and guilt. “How do you still love me, after everything I’ve done to you?”

“Oh god no, never,” Toby murmured, gently nudging her backward so he could climb up onto the bed again in front of her. Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her against him. “Don’t you ever doubt that I love you, please.”

She could barely keep eye contact, and when she spoke it was so quiet that he barely even heard her in the still of the night. “You’ve never given me a reason to doubt it,” she offered a watery smile that faded as soon as it appeared. “But I just don’t get how you can bring yourself to do so.”

Toby shifted down slightly so he was level with her and she couldn’t look down to avoid him. “It’s precisely because I’ve seen the best of you and the worst of you. I’ve learnt, especially as of late, that I love both just as much as the other, because they add up to you.”

She nuzzled into his chest and pressed a kiss near his shoulder. “I am so in love with you it scares me half to death.” Before he could ask why, she told him. “I never want to lose you, Doc. I’ve never had something I was this afraid of losing and-”

He stopped her with a kiss and she took a breath. Toby kissed the top of her head and told her that wouldn’t happen. “We’re not going anywhere, love. I promise.”

* * *

Happy stretched her arms above her head with a sigh as she took in how the morning turned out. Last night wiped her out emotionally but to wake up in Toby’s arms the next day renewed her hope that this trip was a good way to celebrate her divorce papers being signed by both her and Dylan. And she had faith that the team would let her and Toby know of the finalized divorce any day now.

As Happy kissed down his chest, he kept his eyes closed, only letting her know he was awake when he groaned at her moving up from his hips. She chuckled and licked where his hipbones dipped, reveling in the way he shuddered under her. His hands came to run through her hair, and she interlaced them with hers as she continued languidly kissing his chest and abdomen.

He thumbed circles into her palms, and they both revelled in the feeling of pure, unadulterated _freedom_ that neither had ever truly experienced before. From both of their messy and painful childhoods, to spending their adult lives trying to outrun the demons of their past, they always longed for such complete freedom and comfort. And now they had it with each other and it was all they wanted for the rest of their lives.

Their minds cleared of all thoughts and they spent the morning in bed, only leaving when their stomachs growled in protest. But even then, it was only room service. Knowing that she packed a dress to go out in, they decided to head downstairs for dinner at the restaurant.

Toby was quieter than usual as they got ready and it would have bothered her if he hadn’t picked up once seated at a corner table. He took her hand under the table as he leaned into her to whisper sweet nothings and all the dirty things he looked forward to them doing after they ate.

“More like refuel,” he corrected himself with eyes dark.

-

Thankfully Toby had experience being pressed against a door by Happy and was able to unlock it without losing momentum. She slammed the door behind him and pulled him to her with her back to the wall now. Hands tangled in his hair, his short curls served as leverage for her to hop onto him as he hissed.

Then, for a moment, all movement stopped and they looked at the other. With sparkling eyes and heaving breaths, he leaned down to capture her lips once more. It was rough and sloppy due to the build-up over dinner where propriety insisted they not ravage each other on the table.

With a single look and a nod from her, he unzipped his trousers and slid into her, her underwear pushed to the side in favor of urgency. It was fast, him driving her up the wall as she found the perfect angle to come quickly. Moaning at how frantic he thrust into her, he lost it soon after she did and slumped against her, spent.

Happy wound her arms up his back to tangle her fingers into his hair, pressing hot kisses to the side of his head and keep the passion going. A minute or two was all he needed to pull out and lift her up before walking back to the bedroom.

Now taking time to undress the other, he crawled between her legs for multiple servings of his favorite dessert, her. At first, she bit her lip to keep her moans from getting louder. Toby wanted to hear her though and with a bit of coaxing, his name was among the string of cries and curses she let loose.

The next round, after countless orgasms for them both from oral alone, he had her hands pinned over her head with Happy urging him to get rougher.

-

After tussling for control, Happy pinned him under her and asked if he had a problem with this. His smirk and quip to ride him like she meant it had her sink onto him with a delicious moan as her inner walls conformed to his cock.

He watched her bounce while holding her hips, only lascivious thoughts in his mind as he let his body take over. When she began to roll her nipples between her thumbs and forefingers, Toby tried to sit up. She shook her head, stilling to give him a quick peck and say how he’d get control later. “If you earn it,” she teased. 

Then, knowing how it riled him up, she held him down with one hand as her other moved to rub circles over her clit bringing her own orgasm shortly. At watching the pleasure course through her, Toby groaned and bucked up to get to his own climax.

She was sensitive when he came and whimpered as a last wave hit her. Breathless and sweaty, and with him still inside her, Happy fell forward. Her mind buzzing, she felt Toby kiss her head as he wrapped his arms around her. He rubbed her back as she tried to get her breathing under control, same as him, and whispered how amazing she was and how much he loved her.

The way he could switch back to sweet after how rough they had just been was what they both needed. She would never get enough of how he always doted on her, and he would never stop showing her how she was his entire world.

The moment of softness quickly recharged their energy back to full, and it was unspoken how neither wanted the night to end just yet. With a glint in her eyes, she maneuvered off him and let their mixed releases settle on his stomach before completely covering his body with hers. They laughed at how sticky it was and he tickled her sides because he couldn’t resist. The room filled with sound of euphoric laughs when he rolled her under him now and said he would be ready for the next round with some help from her. Happy quirked an eyebrow and moved her hands to her breasts. “Tell me, cowboy, would you prefer to watch me touch myself or you?”

-

Lying next to Toby in the second bedroom, she felt safe in his arms. How they easily had the most passionate, marathon sex she’s ever experienced to being rough and then snuggling close, she never wanted to know life without him. The past year started off as her best yet only to devolve into the most stressful one of her life. But, throughout each up and down, Toby never wavered in his love and devotion to her.

They had more knock-down, drag-out fights than she could have foreseen, something that only strengthened their bond and further sealed their relationship as the one that would last the rest of their years. She must have looked deep in thought because when Toby asked what she was thinking about, she smiled.

“Do you remember that time you calmed Sly down after Walter ruined one of his Super Fun Guy comics when he spilled acid on it?”

“How could I forget?” Toby laughed. “Besides my eidetic memory, I was afraid Sly would have a stroke at how inconsolable he got.”

She ran her hand through his chest hair and kissed his shoulder, suddenly back in her own mind.

“I didn't think you stayed though… I saw you slip out the back.”

Happy shook her head. “I started to, but when I heard you begin to talk him down from his panic attack, I stayed.”

He could tell she was sheepish and he could only smile at how they used to be way back when they had only a spark of something. Then, to his complete surprise, she revealed how the gentleness she saw in him that day made her look at him different and start to fall in love with him even if she didn’t admit that then. “You weren’t just the jackass doctor who annoyed me at every turn, but a sweet person when you wanted to be.”

The incident had happened only a few months after the team suffered their massive one-two punch of Toby’s traumatic breakup with Amy and Collins plunging Walter into the rabbit hole only to go AWOL himself. Happy had almost been ready to throw in the towel, to give up on the team before she was dragged down into their messes too. But, seeing Toby in that moment, how he pushed aside his own heartbreak and pain to help then-teenaged Sylvester through the panic attack seeing his favorite comic destroyed had induced, she changed her mind. And looking back now, not just at what she and Toby had become but also how the team as a whole had grown, she knew that choosing to stay was the best decision she ever made.

Learning that, Toby stilled and had a million new questions he wanted to ask. Those had to wait though, her foot snaking between his legs pushed all that aside. “Am I still sweet, sugar plum?”

Happy nodded, thumbing his lower lip mischievously. “But I also like when you’re not…”

He smirked and bit at her thumb. “Just wait till morning, cupcake, I’ll show you the best of both worlds.”

* * *

The next morning Happy woke up feeling completely satisfied and like her life was finally perfect for the first time since, well, forever. Turning over to face Toby, she smirked at the thought of teasing him awake until she found herself face to face with nothing but empty sheets. Reaching over, she felt how the sheets were cold and frowned trying to figure out what he could be doing for that long.

“Doc?” She pulled on the first item of clothing she saw in her carry on - Toby’s old MIT sweatshirt - as she got out of bed and walked around the suite to find him, her heart racing when he wasn’t anywhere to be found.

He had never left her before, not without telling her or at least leaving a note. Hell, the only time either of them had left the other was her after the hospital gala, and they had progressed in leaps and bounds since that night. Hadn’t they?

Her hand started to shake as she grabbed her phone to text him, cursing when she realized she had forgotten to charge it the previous night and it had died. Going back to her carry on to grab her charger, she felt her heart stop as she saw his messenger bag missing from the chair he had slung it over. She knew that bag held his tickets and passport, and it was practically slow motion as she heard the blood pulsing in her ear and the anxiety started to build up.

As much as she tried to ignore it, she had felt him be a little distant during dinner the previous night, though she forced it away with how playful and loving he had been after. But now, every minor thing she noticed became amplified in her mind and she could almost feel a panic attack building up.

_Which Toby could always alleviate_ , she knew, _but he isn’t here now, and if his missing bag is anything to go by he might not be here ever again._ About to spiral deeper into her thoughts, Happy barely heard the door to their suite opening and all but ran into the living room, praying it wasn’t just housekeeping.

“Toby,” she gasped, half unable to believe he had come back. She saw his expression change to one of worry and concern at seeing her and the state she was in, but in that second all the instinct she had tried to bury flared up and her fear turned into anger as she snapped at him.

“Where the fuck did you go?”

Toby faltered, an outburst from her being the last thing he had expected. “I…”

“How could you do that to me?” She demanded, and when he was still too stunned to formulate a reply she continued. “Do you have _any_ idea how it feels waking up to an empty bed? And after I felt you pulling away from me last night?”

“I do, actually,” he muttered bitterly, in that moment it was the response he could form. But he immediately regretted it when she stumbled back again the nearest wall, all her fight knocked out of her. What would have exploded earlier, now it fizzled and she wanted only equilibrium.

“I… Doc… what’s happening to us?” Happy was near hyperventilating, scared that their perfect and blissful getaway had turned into yet another fight. “I don’t want to lose you again, Toby-” She picked at the hem of the sweatshirt, unable to face him after how she had just snapped at him.

Setting down the coffee and croissants he had planned to surprise her with, Toby crossed the room to her and gently held her hands in his. “You’re never going to lose me, Hap,” he promised and she fell into him, tearing up as she apologized for snapping.

“I know it’s not an excuse,” her voice was muffled from her tears and burying her face in his shirt, but he could still hear her. “But waking up and not having you there scared me so much.”

His heart broke for her, and he cursed himself for not having left a note. “I’m sorry too, Hap, I shouldn’t have responded like that. And I’m sorry not telling you or leaving a note, I thought I’d be back before you got up. You did tire yourself out pretty bad last night,” he dared to smirk at the last part, and she couldn’t help a small giggle escaping her.

Heartening that she was feeling better, Toby kissed the top of her head to get her to look up. “Let me show you how sorry I am, love?” He asked, and saw a smile tug at the corners of her lips as she knew what he was about to ask. “Can I make love to you?”

Hugging him again, Happy nodded and said how she wanted that so much. Staring up at him, he saw the sorrow over how quickly their morning nearly spun out of control. Leaning down to cup her face and kiss her, she molded her chest against his. Toby picked her up under each thigh and spun them around to take them to the ‘clean’ bedroom. As he set her down on the sheets, she went to undo his jeans. Their clothes were quickly shed and he lay next to her with a hand on her hip.

She arched up and kissed his cheek, trailing down his jawline with each kiss punctuated on his scruff. Every brush against his skin made him hold her tighter and thank his stars for having her with him. The way she knew _exactly_ how to touch him continued to amaze. He knew their time together would continue, neither able to bear being parted after being together physically but emotionally leagues apart.

“I love you.” Those words still didn’t roll off her tongue as easily as they did for him but she meant each word. And the way his face lit up every time she did made it so worth it. Holding his face between her hands with her lips millimeters away from his ear, she pulled him into another kiss.

The morning was a rollercoaster ride with her fearing the worst not ten minutes ago. Feeling Toby hold her close and kiss her back, she needed even more.

“You said you'd to make love to me, Doc.” Happy’s fingers trailed up his scruff, her knuckles brushing over his cheekbone. “Will you?”

“I promise I always will.” Kissing her nose and laughing at how predictably she scrunched her face, he slid his hand to her stomach. “How do you want us?” he breathed, lips finding the spot under her ear to gently suck.

She whimpered, exposing her neck for more. “You on top.” The smile on her face widened as he shifted to her and nuzzled into her. Her knee bent up as her arms wound around his neck, her moans growing louder as he sucked yet another hickey on her skin.

Toby settled into the bed to focus on working his way down her body with his lips. The way his scruff dragged along her chest had her squirm. “Don’t worry, I won’t leave you wanting for any pleasure,” he promised.

Sighing, Happy’s fingers dug into his shoulders and told him he always made her feel loved. “I still can’t believe it at times.”

He pressed a kiss to her stomach and she felt his teeth at him smiling. “I’ll always do whatever is in my power to make you feel loved and safe, Hap. It’s my life’s goal, really.”

“Thank you.”

Those weren’t the words he expected to hear but they warmed his heart all the same. He reached for one of her hands, kissing her palm and then making his way to her hip. Her breath hitched and his other hand traced down to her knee and then back up to tease her folds.

Time didn’t matter as he worked her up to the most delicious orgasm, or rather series of orgasms, that left her shaking and steadying her breath. Toby’s mouth stayed at her outer lips and pulled a few more short spasms of pleasure from her before moving so she felt him hard on her calf.

Even though her arms felt like jelly at the moment, she grabbed hold of his hair and had him face to face with her soon enough.

“Yes, dear?” That cheeky smile glistened with her in his scruff and she told him she was equally ready for him.

“Lube,” she panted, reaching for the small bottle they left in the bedroom they chose for sleeping in.

He kissed her cheek and told her he’d get it, sitting up to coat his length while she readjusted her head on the pillows. Leaning forward, Toby rubbed a layer of lube up to her clit before adding a few more drops to slip his finger into her and make sure she was comfortably primed for him.

Happy let him know she was ready by bending both knees and tugging him to her for a kiss as he collapsed on top of her. His tongue met hers with equal fervor and when he pulled back for air, he guided himself into her.

They had been having sex without condoms for a few months now, but, each time his uncovered head pressed into her warmth, there was a shiver he couldn’t contain. And that special moan she had for this moment gave him an unmatched feeling of protectiveness and smug pride.

He thrust softly once buried in her and she rocked up. With Toby holding himself up somewhat on one forearm, he buried his other hand in her hair to kiss her. Kissing was a form of intimacy they both craved and no matter how they had sex - slow, rough, fast - kissing was always a part of it. They got lost in the feeling of them and the sensations building inside them with each movement and only when Happy’s legs circled his back did he stop.

“Hey,” he breathed, one hand on her hip moving to grab a pillow and he asked her to lift up.

“Now?” Her brows furrowed in exasperation but when he helped her rise up still in her she chuckled. “Alright.” Toby surprised her often and before she could ask why now for this position readjustment, the tip of his cock brushed over her g-spot and had her cry out happily. “Ooh-”

The silent understanding was there as they found their rhythm again and Toby shifted his body so each thrust had contact with her clit. The juxtaposition of their makeup sex being gentle wasn’t lost on them. Intimacy wasn’t something they took for granted anymore and the complete trust they gave the other showed that.

Happy kissed his face and neck and traced back up to nibble on his earlobe while the waves pleasure built to her peak. Biting down when the orgasm broke, he hissed but kept pace as he wasn’t far behind her. By the time she came, her hands palmed his ass to draw his climax and feel how he twitched slightly, Then, with a grunt, he fell next to her. Neither cared for the mess that seeped down her thigh and onto the sheets as they focused on breathing together.

She held him and Toby buried his face into her neck, letting himself breathe her in. The last thing he had wanted when he slipped out early was for her to wake up alone. His only intention was to surprise her with breakfast. Apologizing for that again, he told her how he never wanted her to worry about him leaving her because he never would, and how much he hated that he made her feel that way.

Happy shook her head and leaned up to kiss him. “It doesn’t matter, Doc, I jump to conclusions too easily,” she chuckled a little, kissing his cheek when that didn’t seem to make him feel any better. “I know you’ll never leave, and know I’ll never leave you either. Let’s just forget about this and enjoy the rest of our vacation?”

He nodded, though his reply was cut off by a yawn. “That’s what you get for getting up so early after tiring yourself out last night,” she laughed, and he playfully narrowed his eyes at her before shrugging.

“I’d say staying up last night was worth it,” he smirked. “Let’s clean up quickly then cuddle until we fall asleep?” She returned his expression and nodded, dragging him to the bathroom.

Waking up a few hours later to Toby’s hand running through her hair, Happy sighed contentedly before leaning up to kiss his jaw. “Morning,” she teased, her voice still raspy from sleep, and Toby grinned as he kissed her in return.

“It’s technically afternoon now, though,” he told her. Her stomach grumbled when she sat up to stretch, and they both laughed as they remembered they had missed breakfast earlier that day. Sitting up himself, he suggested they shower and then go out to the balcony for breakfast. “We need to leave the room to let housekeeping change the sheets as our ‘clean’ bed isn’t so clean anymore.”

She giggled, agreeing with him and saying a long, hot shower sounded perfect. He bent down to capture her lips with his, before scooping her up in his arms and carrying her to the shower.

Now dressed in only their robes, Happy sighed, her hands reaching for Toby’s arms around her, and settled back to him after their shower. The morning gave her such whiplash that now having Toby wrapped around her with the room smelling of their lovemaking, her emotions were in overdrive. They were comfy on the plush chaise in the second bedroom, though when Toby asked again if she wanted to have their breakfast outside, she nodded.

“If anything, we need a clean bed to sleep tonight,” her smirk matched his. “And I want to see what fancy breakfast you had planned that you needed to get it before the crack of dawn.”

“Can I ask you something?” Toby rubbed her knee gently, and she glanced up at him as she nodded for him to go on. “Why didn’t you feel like you could trust me for so long, if you had started to fall in love with me years ago?”

He knew it was a heavy question but it had been burning on the tip of his tongue since she had said it the previous night, and he needed to know. Happy inhaled shakily as she looked down, and he squeezed her knee to tell her not to take it so hard.

“It was _because_ I fell so hard in love with you,” she finally admitted. “I was scared enough of how much I felt for you, that I couldn’t handle you knowing everything about me as well. Especially if you didn’t want me after learning all of that, I…” She shook her head. “I know it’s super messed up, but-”

“I could never not want you,” he reminded her with a soft kiss to her temple, and she smiled small as she leaned into him.

“I know that now,” she tilted her head to look up him. “But back then I couldn’t imagine someone could love me enough to not judge, so I rather didn’t give you anything to judge me about.”

Toby felt his heart break for how Happy’s childhood had made her believe that no one truly cared, and he wrapped his arms around her shoulders to pull her closer. “I love you without condition, Hap, no judgement.”

Happy nodded, knowing she could believe him and wanting oh so badly to, but just couldn’t get rid of that lifelong fear she has. She told him that, adding how she wants to work on it. “Be patient with me, Toby?” She couldn’t bring herself to meet his eyes, self-conscious about how needy she felt for his reassurance.

Toby was about to answer, when a cooler breeze blew around them and she shivered slightly in just her robe. Chuckling, he pulled her sideways onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her. He could sense she was uncomfortable asking that of him, and buried his face in her hair as he told her he’ll always wait for her. “I’ll give you everything you ever need. But please tell me, okay, if there’s ever anything I need to know?”

She nodded against him, promising to be fully open with him from there on out. But she could tell that he wasn’t just talking about them in that moment. What she overheard him telling Rory the other night was still fresh in her memory, and she knew he was indirectly asking her to please not do to him what she did to Dylan.

“Is that what happened last night, Doc?” She asked quietly. He knew better than to reply with a suggestive line and instead asked her what she meant.

She looked down and played with the tie of her robe as she said how she couldn’t help but feel he was pulling away from her, despite how intense and incredible their lovemaking had been. “Is it because of learning what I did in Japan?”

Toby closed his eyes and set his coffee down to pull her close. “Happy-”

“I’m not proud of what I did, back then and especially now. But I would never do something like that to you, Toby, I couldn’t.”

Toby nodded, kissing her forehead. “Why did you have to do all that though, couldn’t you have just left a note and run off while he was in class or something?”

Happy bit her lip as she looked down again. “I didn’t want to just disappear on him, I hated being there but I also wanted a bit more closure than that, you know? I mean, I know what I did was probably worse, but at that time… Plus he would’ve noticed if I tried to pack up without telling him and asked me to stay, and I didn’t want to deal with that.”

He smiled at her, it was tighter than his usual but still full of love. “Talking to him in Amsterdam, was that closure good?”

“Yeah,” she looked down but nodded. “I didn’t realize how much I needed that, but now it’s like that weight of the past decade has lifted and I’m finally free, you know?”

“I’m glad, Hap,” Toby cupped her face to kiss her softly. “You deserve that.”

She mumbled so soft he barely heard her. “How can we get past this, Toby?”

The fear and uncertainty in her voice broke his heart, and he promised this latest reveal was not going to unravel them. “ I’m sorry I talked to Rory first and you had to hear that, it wasn’t how I wanted to bring it up with you.”

Happy nodded at that, then twisted in his arms to look up at him. “I know he’s a really good friend and you trust him, but can we keep some things between us? The team and Rory know too much already, and… and I’m grateful for how much they’ve helped us but-”

“Of course, babe, we deserve our privacy.” Toby smiled, kissing the top of her head. “As long as we promise to tell each other everything from now on?”

She nodded resolutely, “I promise.”

“Perfect.” He nuzzled into her neck and she couldn’t help giggling as his scruff tickled her.

That was one of his favorite sounds in the world, and when he told her that, she blushed a little and cuddled closer to him. Toby could feel from the way she nestled into him that she was still cold and couldn’t help laughing a little as he rubbed her arm to warm her up. Happy all but whined, mumbling how Brittany was much colder than LA and it wasn’t funny, but he argued it kind of was.

“I’m your personal space heater, remember?” Toby’s eyes were twinkling, and Happy couldn’t help laughing too despite herself. Snuggling closer, she told him that all she needed was him and how being in a different environment from home helped her adjust to this new, closer than ever dynamic between them.

“I told you, I’ll always give you what you need,” Toby smirked, then softened as he told her she didn’t have to keep up any persona in front of him. “Don’t hold back being who you are, babe, you can trust me that I’ll never judge you.”

“I know, thank you,” she murmured, interlacing their hands. Their quiet moment was broken though by the sounds of something big happening in the courtyard below.

“Sounds like a party, we should try to fit in and get free food,” Toby joked, gently nudging her off him so they could go up to the balcony grille and see what was going on. Happy laughed despite rolling her eyes out of habit, though it immediately died down when they got a proper look at what was being set up.

Toby felt Happy freeze beside him as they registered the podium, aisle, and two sets of chairs being set up - tell tale signs of a wedding about to take place soon. Seeing what they should’ve starting planning for months ago hurt Toby, but he knew it had to be worse for Happy and wanted to get them both away from there so that the wedding would be out of sight, even if not out of mind.

“It’s getting chilly here, let’s go back to our room?” Happy jumped as Toby wrapped an arm around her waist. She knew the cold was far from his real concern but nodded anyway, almost numb from guilt and regret as he gently led her back inside.

* * *

Back in their room, Toby briefly registered that housekeeping had closed the windows they opened earlier and was grateful that at least some of the noise from the wedding preparations below was blocked out. Happy moved to sit on the edge of the bed looking up at him, and he nudged her to shift in so he could sit too with her sideways on his lap.

“I’m sorry that couldn’t be us,” Happy spoke first, and Toby smiled small as he joked that they would’ve never thought to have their wedding in Brittany anyway.

“But that doesn’t mean we won’t have one somewhere,” he looked at her, his eyes filled with promise that they would be married soon enough.

She looked down and nodded, murmuring how they couldn’t do anything until the six month cooling period was over anyway, and Toby held her hands in his as he said that only affected the legal side of things and not them personally.

“But it’s not like you want to be engaged yet anyway…” She trailed off, uncertain, though at the hurt in Toby’s eyes she rushed to explain herself. “And, and I get it. There’s no point in rushing now, just because we can doesn’t mean we should. What we have right now, this is more than I could have ever asked for. We’re good, right?”

He gave her as warm a smile as he could muster as he said of course they were. “You’re feeling better now? After signing the papers and all?”

“Yes,” she nodded, leaning against him. “That was long overdue, and now all I want is to spend forever with you.”

“That’s all I want too, lovebug,” he rested his chin on the top of her head. “I’m sorry I made you feel like I was pulling away last night, I didn’t mean to hurt you and never want to again.”

Happy looked down at that, still overwhelmingly guilty that he had to find out about what she did in Japan from Dylan. “I could never do that to you, Toby,” she promised him again. “Though I can’t blame you if you don’t forgive me for that yet.”

“I haven’t forgiven you for, Hap,” he said simply, and Happy felt her heart stop. Biting her lip, she nodded.

“I understand. It was a huge mistake and-” She tried to shift off his lap, but he held her even tighter and pressed a soft kiss to her cheek to cut her off.

“I haven't forgiven you because… I don't believe you need my forgiveness for that,” he gaze on her was adoring and she could only stare at him as she waited for him to continue. “You lived your life before we met and I've lived mine, and now it's time we live them together.”

She bit back a laugh, teasing him for that Downton Abbey reference she knew after he insisted they binge watch the show together and he told her they were wise words and he agreed with every single one of them.

“I can’t begrudge you for something you did before you even knew I existed. But now, be all in with me, Hap?” He smiled at her, small but so full of love, and she nodded profusely as she wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in the crook of his neck.

“All in, Doc,” her voice was muffled against his skin. “No more keeping things from each other, you won’t ever have to learn anything the wrong way.”

Toby raised his eyebrow a little at that, asking if that meant there were still things she needed to tell him, but she shook her head to allay his fears. “Just the small things, and only because they’re so inconsequential. But I will tell you if you want to know. Just ask the right question…”

“Oh yeah?” There was a hint of teasing in his voice and Happy knew they were truly good. “What’s your favorite color then, Hap?”

She laughed as she answered, and Toby asked her a few more random questions until she leaned back against him with a content sigh.

“Hmm?” He prodded, wanting to know what was going on in her brilliant mind that he finally being allowed into. But she shook her head, saying it was nothing new.

“I just… I love how we are now, Toby. I never thought I'd be this lucky, and all I want is to share everything with you for the rest of our lives.”

“I’ll always give you everything you need,” Toby kissed down her neck to switch the mood to something a little playful and suggestive, as his heart warmed at how she was saying what he'd wanted for so long to hear from her. “Everything.”

Happy giggled as his scruff tickled her the way she loved, though when her gaze fell to the window she couldn’t avoid it lingering. Toby noticed and bit back a sigh as he hugged her close again. "I promise, love, it'll be us soon. We'll get there in time, okay?"

Happy nodded, resting her head against his collarbone, her voice small when she replied "Okay."

They lost track of how long they spent cuddled up together, though their gentle caresses and silent comfort in each other did little to block out the sounds of celebration floating up from the wedding downstairs. Then, Happy's phone lit up with a text from Sly. _About to submit the documents to court, we can FaceTime it with you if you want._

Toby remained silent as he read the text over her shoulder, knowing he needed to let her decide what she wanted to do.

"Do you mind?" She glanced at him, and he shook his head.

"We were planning to escort Heywood to the courthouse anyway, this is the next best thing," he grinned at her, though it was smaller than his usual, and she smiled gratefully as she made the call.

They laughed despite themselves when the call connected to show Sylvester and Paige, with the former covering his eyes with the hand not holding his phone, peeking out through two of his fingers. Toby joked that they weren’t _that_ voyueristic and were decent enough, “Though we aren’t wearing anything under these robes.” That had Sly let out an undignified whine. Paige just laughed off Toby’s quip, grabbing the phone from Sylvester and reminding them that they’d promised to send her photos. But when Toby shot back how they were clearly too busy with each other to go outside, she couldn’t help making a face too.

Her reply was cut off however, by a very enthusiastic Heywood popping into the frame to greet them. “This whole fiasco will be over in a jiffy, I got all your papers right…” He trailed off as he frantically looked around for the manila folder containing the signed divorce papers, and Happy paled.

“Right here!” Heywood jubilantly pulled it out from under his bagel. “Sorry, ran out of napkins this morning. But don’t worry, the court doesn’t mind a little cream cheese stain,” he smiled a little sheepishly, and Toby and Happy didn’t miss Sylvester scoot a noticeable distance away from the team’s lawyer.

Apart from a minor incident with the judge not being too thrilled about the process being videoed - to which Sly countered they would be there in person had they not been on holiday and if they weren’t allowed to FaceTime his colleague would hack into the security cameras and let Toby and Happy watch through those - the signing of the papers by the court and the agreement being passed as judgement thankfully went as smoothly and painlessly as possible, albeit after a stern warning from the judge about her not wanting to delay the day with holding him in contempt.

Heywood cheerfully waved goodbye, telling them he had to meet another client and they could catch up when they returned to L.A. Paige said she’d bring the car around from where she had parked across the street from the courthouse, which left Sylvester still averting his gaze as he talked to them, insisting that they were still too undressed for him to look them in the eye.

“The rest didn’t tag along?” Toby asked, and Sly replied that they had gotten a small case that Walter and Ralph were handling in the garage.

“Though really, I wish Walter wasn’t so insistent on a genius going along and just let Paige accompany Heywood. I mean, I love helping you guys, but all this law and court business…” Sylvester actually shuddered, scrambling to get out of the way as yet another gaggle of impeccably dressed lawyers almost trampled him. “It’s so stressful and messy and politic-y, boy am I glad I’m not a lawyer.”

“Yeah, I remember the law school kids back in Harvard. They redefine egotistical narcissists-”

“And you don’t?" 

“-with a touch of psychopath,” Toby made a face at Happy’s interruption. “You know what they say about Harvard Law? Everyone there is a genius and a killer. _And_. Granted the term ‘genius’ is used liberally, but-”

“Look, Sly,” Happy cut off what she knew was going to be another of Toby’s Harvard tangents. “Thank you for doing all this, but don’t worry. As long as Heywood hangs around, you don’t need to worry about law yourself, okay?

Sylvester nodded. “You’re welcome, and we _really_ need to keep tabs on that guy, can’t afford for him to vanish when we need him most… Oh, Paige just pulled up, if there’s anything else call us at the garage?”

They hung up after a few more good-natured ribs by Toby, though when he turned Happy he was back to concerned. “Do you feel different after seeing that?” He asked carefully, and she smiled as she nodded.

“I feel free, and for the first time in my life know exactly what I want,” she leaned up to kiss him. “You.”

Toby could see that her mood was genuinely lifted, and hugged her so tight. “You’re exactly what I want too.”

* * *

Both were in much better spirits when they went down for dinner a while later, a little earlier than the dining room opened so they could sit in the lobby for a while for Toby to make snarky remarks about people in the lobby with Happy elbowing him to shut up but laughing nonetheless.

But a commotion from the ballroom across the lobby interrupted them. They turned toward it to see the bride and groom leaving, arm in arm, laughing and surrounded by their wedding party and guests.

There were shiny bits of confetti sticking to their clothes and hair, most likely from the exit toss just before they left the reception. For Toby, and especially Happy, it was yet another glaring reminder of how his proposal months before had gone so wrong, and he saw her tearing up again as she watched them leave.

It wasn’t like Happy to be moved to tears by strangers, but if the last year taught him anything, it was to expect the unexpected. Kissing her temple to get her to look at him and away from the couple, Toby promised her again that they’d get there in time.

“I know,” she replied, a small smile on her face as she squeezed his hand. “We’re strong, with or without that piece of paper.”

Her words were meant to be reassuring, but Toby blinked as he took them to mean she would be fine never having that piece of paper. “I… Are you reconsidering being married in the future? Because I always thought we’d get that piece of paper in the end. But either way, love, know that you’re my forever.” He added the last part quickly to promise her he wasn’t going to leave even if she didn’t want to get married.

Happy was stunned at what he just said, feeling tears sting the back of her eyes as her self-consciousness started seeping back in. “Of course not, Toby, why would you even ask that? Are… are you reconsidering being married now?”

“Not if you aren’t,” Toby held her other hand in his as well. “Whatever you want, I’m never leaving your side whatever you choose.”

There was such resolution in her eyes. “Whatever _we_ choose,” she clarified, saying that she did want to be married for real and different reasons now. “The only reason I want to be your wife is because I love you and want the world to know. I’m proud to be with you, Toby, no matter how obnoxious or spastic you are.” Happy swatted him when he feigned hurt and swallowed a chuckle. “You are mine and I love you.”

Hearing her say those words he never thought she would, Toby could only kiss her deeply. His smile grew so wide on his face as he said she should keep that for her vows, “I never knew that my girl could be so poetic.”

“I say what I mean. And this is what I’m feeling, Doc,” Happy blushed under his gaze. “ I’ll never stop showing you how much I love you either. I mean it, Toby, when I say I’ll never hurt you again in any way.”

Toby nodded and kissed her again. “I know you do. I want the world to know how incredibly proud and lucky I am to be with you too, love. You’re the reason I’m looking forward to forever.”

* * *

“Hey, Hap?” Toby asked later that night as they were settling down to sleep. “How are we going back?”

Happy frowned a little as she looked at him. “Going back… as in home?” Toby nodded, and she couldn’t help that sting of hurt that ran through her. They had only just gotten to Brittany, and yes the first three days hadn’t quite turned out to be the blissful getaway she had planned, but they had finally talked it all through and she had been hoping to enjoy what they had left of their vacation. Not for Toby to be already asking about going back home. “We only just got here, Doc,” she tried to joke it off, hoping he didn’t hear the waver in her voice.

“I know, but how are we going back?” He pressed, seemingly oblivious to how she was feeling, and it killed her a little inside.

“Uhm… the same way we came,” it came out more as a question, Happy still trying to understand why Toby was pressing the issue. “Drive back to Rennes, then layover in Amsterdam before going back to LA. Why?”

Toby just hummed, ignoring her question, and she was about to ask him again why it was so important to him when he propped himself up on his elbow to grin at her. “Can we change that?” He asked, his eyes bright.

“Huh?”

“Instead of doing the whole Rennes-Amsterdam-LA route again, can we change it to fly through Paris?”

Happy forced herself to calm the burst of hope she felt at that, _everyone knows Paris is the most romantic city in the world, what if he wants to detour there to-_. But she didn’t let herself finish that thought, instead keeping her voice level as she asked, “Paris?”

Toby nodded enthusiastically. “You planned to get back to LA on Friday, right? Why go home early when we can spend that weekend in Paris?”

“I planned to go back on Friday so we have the weekend to rest before going back to work,” she raised an eyebrow at him, trying to quell that bubble of hope that kept rising.

“We run around the whole world and go back to work again the next day all the time, we’ll be fine,” Toby shrugged. “Plus, even if we get sloppy and blow up the world then at least we got to have the ultimate romantic weekend in Paris first. Not a bad thing to check off our bucket list.” His grin was so infectious that she found herself laughing too.

“Okay,” she agreed, leaning over to kiss him when he brightened and asked her if she was really okay with that. “Why not?”

Tackling her in a bear hug, Toby emphatically told her again how much he loves her before reaching over to grab his tablet. Happy sat up herself to lean over and see what he was planning, but he hugged the tablet to himself like it needed SCI clearance. “You planned this part of the trip in secret, let me plan Paris? Please?”

When Happy pretended to think it over he pouted in his adorable way, and she laughed as she told him to go ahead. “I know what a hopeless romantic you can be. Surprise me, cowboy.” 

* * *

* * *

_Well, we all make mistakes, dear, so just put it behind you. We should regret our mistakes and learn from them, but never carry them forward into the future with us._

_\- L. M. Montgomery, Anne of Avonlea_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time =D


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains graphic smut. It’s easy to skip over and read the next parts if you so choose though. We hope you enjoy what is our fluffiest chapter yet!

 

_When a love-relationship is at its height there is no room left for any interest in the environment; a pair of lovers are sufficient to themselves._

_\- Sigmund Freud_

* * *

* * *

Their morning began before the sun was up, Happy’s internal clock woke her the same as it did in Los Angeles. With Toby sleeping next to her, a small smile on his face, she decided to _really_ give him something to smile about and scooted between his legs.

He woke to feather-light kisses at his inner thigh and his eyes shot open when he realized she was under the covers. Pulling them back, she flashed a devious smile up at him and he sunk further into the pillows with a satisfied sigh. Her mouth took him in before long though she didn’t stay on him…

She enjoyed teasing him and he was completely at her mercy. Each lick and touch had him writhing for more. His whines and finally begging to come led to her taking him back in and cupping his balls. She built up slow and her other hand held him. The suction of her lips and rhythmic movements of her hands soon had her swallowing around him and spreading his thighs to kiss him as he came down.

She watched how heavily he panted, his chest slick with a few beads of sweat and flushed, and his skin hot to the touch. He murmured how this was the perfect way to start a day and she chuckled that she wasn’t arguing.

“But now I need food,” she told him, settled across his hips and bent over to kiss him.

“I’m not getting out of this bed until I have to.” Toby rubbed her back as his breathing slowed and she said that was fine, just that he needed to place their room service order.

Once done, and her not moving from him, he held behind her thighs and urged her to sit back up. “I want to start eating now, though.”

It was understood what he wanted and she nodded. Toby always loved going down on her and recently they opted for her sitting on his face more and more. His scruff tickled her folds as she found the best position and how they laughed together made it all feel even better.

Toby told her how much he loved her and how gorgeous she was between kisses and licks. She verbally sparred with him until his lips got to her clit and she palmed the wall with a gasp. Coherency was gone and her hips grinded against him for more. He held her still though and felt the waves of her climax growing when the knock from room service was heard.

“Leave it!” Happy screamed, lowering her voice to tell Toby he better not leave her now.

A chuckle and lick to her inner folds with assurances he wouldn’t, he told her to keep still so she’d orgasm and then he’d get their food.

Happy acquiesced and fell back into the wall as he brought those waves of pleasure over the edge and she came on his face.

The satisfaction felt in her relaxed body made him smug and he moved her body next to him on the bed. With a kiss to her stomach and a quick wipe of his scruff on the sheets, he grabbed a pair of boxers to get their food from the hall, the sheepish employee nowhere in sight.

-

They had finally gotten into this new position when she playfully crawled away from him and told him to stand behind her. His eyes widened and she said it was a little kinkier than they were doing and she really wanted him to fuck her from behind.

He needed no further prompting and scurried off the bed to slide easily back inside of her and thrusted. She arched her back deeper and she moaned with each forceful thrust. Balanced on her hands and knees, Happy’s head dipped down as she clawed the sheets underneath her.

With the way his hands gripped her hips and how his balls made contact with her clit at every move, pleasure swept over her at an alarming rate. He came first and she felt how his cock twitched right before shooting his load into her. Spent himself, but always determined to get her off, he stayed in her and pressed his chest to her back as his hands cupped her.

His right hand spread her lips while his left thumb began rubbing her clit. She was close, and the climax near its peak had him in a near impossible level of pleasure at how her inner walls contracted around him.

When she finally came, Toby had to bite down on her shoulder as the orgasm washed over them both. Her arms then gave out and she sunk against the mattress with him sliding out of her. He collapsed next to her and twinged grabbing at his inner thigh.

“Ow, my vastus medialis!” he cried out. He panted and did his best to massage out the cramp.

She tilted her head to look at him, a mix of amusement and incredulity on her face before laughing. “Seriously? Now you cramp up?”

A pink creeping onto his cheeks and not from their exertions, he defended himself with the fact that they hadn’t done it this way in more than six months.

“And?” She wasn’t buying that and asked if it was a complaint.

“Not at all,” he told her, releasing a low grumble when her hand took over on his thigh. “Just my muscles failing me after I’ve done such a diligent effort to keep them exercised.”

She laughed again and kissed him softly, saying that was true. “Fair enough, Doc. But seriously, why haven’t we done it like that more often?”

“Because I wanted to see your face, even if you closed your eyes.” It was a confession he didn’t think twice about and she asked.

“Toby…” She rested her hand on his cheek and locked eyes with him. The time he was referring to was brutal, sex truly was their only common ground for the better part of those months. “That’s a really sad reason.”

He shrugged but didn’t move away from her touch. “We made it through though, that’s what’s important. I knew we would.” He closed his eyes and shifted so he could wrap both arms around her.

“So did I.” Happy didn’t know what to say after that somber reveal and bit her lip as she racked her brain to think of what to say to him.

Only he saw that and assured her it wasn’t an issue. “Now that everything is out there, we have no reasons to stop us from exploring every carnal pleasure with each other.” She giggled and he brushed his lips over her forehead before holding her cheek to kiss her.

Her body molded into his and only the demand for oxygen broke them apart minutes later. “Shower?” she asked, running her hand through sweaty locks and laughing more at how Toby shook his head like a wet dog making his curls bounce.

Once back in the _clean bedroom_ , he watched her sleep. The small smile that would play on her face as she slept was finally back, after months of torment and pain for the both of them, and he was enthralled. Fighting the urge to kiss her cheek in case it woke her, he opted to softly brush her hair out of her face so he could admire her better. At his touch she subconsciously murmured his name, instinctually turning to him and curling into his side, and his heart nearly burst with love.

Even with all his training, he never imagined that a human was capable of loving another as deeply and irrevocably as he loved her. And he knew she loved him just as much even if verbalizing that wasn’t her strong suit. They had gone through hell and back since that night, but their love for each other had gotten them through it all together. And while he prayed they never would have to, he knew he’d do it all over again in a heartbeat because she was worth it. _They_ were worth it.

When she stretched awake, he pressed a kiss to her shoulder and made her moan. She could feel the grin, his teeth on her skin instead of his lips from how much he was smiling and she rolled onto her back.

More kisses to her back and content sighs from Happy encouraged him to keep going. He made his way back up her spine and licked over the bitemark on her shoulder. “That was a first.” He gingerly traced over it and pressed a soft kiss to where it began to bruise.

“I don’t mind, and it certainly won’t be the last.” The way only half her mouth curved up was devious and he eagerly agreed.

She kissed him before he could retort and pulled back at him stifling a yawn. “Rest,” she told him with a kiss to his forehead. “We’ll pick this up later.”

-

“Darling?” Toby spoke up after a while of comfortable silence, turning to face Happy and sliding an arm over her back. She was on her stomach with her arms crossed under her pillow, and she turned her head to face him. “Can I ask you something if you don’t mind?”

“Can’t say if I’d mind or not if you don’t ask,” she raised an eyebrow with a bemused smile, and he chuckled as he played with the ends of her hair.

“I love it here, don’t get me wrong, but how much did you spend on this place? I mean, this can’t be cheap and- and I would’ve loved it just as much if we just drove up to Big Sur. All I need is to be with you.”  

Happy smiled and shook her head. “Don’t worry about it, Doc. I figured after all we’ve been through, we deserve the best place I could find. And anyway, I got Sly to hack in and mess around with their system so they only charged the price of a basic room.” Her eyes sparkled with laughter and Toby leaned over to kiss her forehead as he thanked her and told her to remind him to thank Sylvester too when they got back.

But then her expression turned noticeably more solemn and he frowned when she sat up to lean against the headboard, covering herself with the sheet. “Hap?” He asked, but she only bit her lip as she motioned for him to sit up next to her. “What is it? What’s wrong?” She reached for his hand when he shifted next to her, and he saw anxiety markers across her face he hadn’t seen since their confessionals about their pasts weeks ago.

“Uhm, there is something I need to tell you…” She trailed off, glancing up to see him watching her in confusion, tinged with with fear but also encouragement and love. “You know how I told you that I stayed with Ethan for a while after I came back to the States?”

Toby nodded, still unsure what her foster cousin had to do with what she wanted to tell him that had her so nervous.

She sighed before continuing. “I… Before leaving Japan I never really thought about having a back up plan, and when I got back here and realized I didn’t really have anywhere to go home to, it freaked me out.”

“I was lucky that time around that I could reach out to Ethan and he helped me get my bearings again, but he was about all of the contacts I had and I realized if something happened to that arrangement I would have nowhere else to turn to.”

As much as it broke Toby’s heart to hear Happy talk about being so alone back then, he still didn’t know where she was going with this and decided to keep quiet until she told him everything. He did wrap an arm around her shoulders to pull her close though, and she leaned into him.

“So once I got a job there I, uhm, set up this second bank account as kind of a bug-out plan. Have a fair bit there, so it really wasn’t like I couldn’t afford this or anything.”

“Huh,” Toby commented. He didn’t quite know how to respond to that, though he did know he wasn’t upset with her for not telling him and was glad she trusted him enough to tell him now.

Happy nodded and looked down. “I know I should have told you earlier, but there didn’t seem to be a good time for it and I’m sor-”

“Hey,” he cut her off. “Hap, it’s okay.” She looked up at him and he smiled as he brushed his lips over her temple. “Money was never the point of anything we went through before. There wasn’t a need to tell me then. But thank you for telling me now.” He knew money was a touchy subject for them with his past, and couldn’t blame her for not telling him about this until she was sure he could be trusted with it. How he had gambled away all of Amy’s savings wasn’t exactly a secret after all.

She smiled small, cuddling closer against him. “I promised to tell you everything now, and I will. Just… give me time to remember everything,” she laughed a little nervously, though that alleviated when Toby chuckled.

“Of course, love. I still have things to tell you too, I wasn’t exactly a saint growing up.” Happy only barely bit back a snort at that, and Toby pouted before holding her tighter. “I can’t wait for us to learn more about each other,” he gave her a genuine smile full of love, and she kissed him before replying.

“It’s a good thing we have the rest of our lives for that then, Doc.”

Toby could only smile and kiss her back at that, before he remembered he had something similar to tell her himself.

“Speaking of secret assets…” he spoke up, kissing the _look_ off Happy’s face. “I guess I have one I haven’t you about either.”

She tilted her head as she looked up at him, and he bit the inside of his cheek as he recounted how he’d inherited his parents’ old house back in New York. “God knows how they managed to pay it off,” he laughed humorlessly. “It’s one of those row houses in Brooklyn. Hardly in a good part of the neighborhood and it’s far too run down now, really. But it _was_ home growing up and felt safe and… I still can’t let it go, you know?”

Happy smiled a little as said she got it. “I mean, with my childhood I couldn’t afford to get sentimental about things, but I get it for you.”

He nodded gratefully at that before continuing. “Every time I go back there it’s- it’s unhealthy, I know, but it’s also cathartic in a way…” He trailed off and Happy asked when he had gone back last.

“I can’t remember you mentioning it the whole time we were on the team.”

At that Toby chuckled a little and said he’d gone back the previous year. “When we got the summer off after Walt went cliff diving in Elia’s Ferrari.”

Happy scoffed at the memory of Walter’s emotionally-fueled stunt, then looked at him again. “You said you spent it in-”

“Santa Anita? I did, mostly, but I also hopped over back east since I had the time. You know the model rocket I have on the mantelpiece? Brought it back with me that trip.”

“Probably aren’t as awed by rockets anymore with our job description,” Happy teased, and Toby pouted as he poked her side.

“I’ll have you know that I found it at a neighbor’s yard sale and it was one of my most prized possessions at the time.”

Happy could tell her was genuinely proud of it and her eyes shone in amusement as she raised an eyebrow. “At the time?”

“That was before I went to college,” Toby shrugged casually. “I still love it, but my diplomas quickly dethroned it as my _most_ prized possessions.” Her good natured eye roll was expected and he leaned down to nip at her earlobe. “Not to mention how hot you look in my collegiates.”

She giggled as she swatted at him playfully, then settled back against him. “You planning on going back there again?”

Toby made a sound of _I don’t know_ at the back of his throat. “I guess if we get a case out there again I might try to sneak out for a while,” he paused as he understood what she was really asking. “It really isn’t anything worth seeing, babe. I’ll take you there if we get the chance, but it’s nothing special at all.”

“Better than what I had,” Happy said softly, and Toby was reminded how- as messy as his own childhood was- at least he had his parents and a fixed home to return to, while she never had that luxury.

“Hap, I’m so sorry-”

Shaking her head, she cut him off with a kiss to his cheek. “I’ve made my peace with it,” she smiled wryly, though it turned into a smirk. “But any chance I have to learn about your childhood, those stories must be gold.”

Toby let out a very undignified whine at that, that reduced them both into a fit of giggles with him tickling her sides as he loved how she squirmed under him and the way her cheeks flushed when she laughed that hard.

They settled back into a comfortable silence after that, both reveling in how freeing it felt to be so open with each other about their pasts, a level of intimate trust neither had felt before. Toby reached over to go through the booklet on his side table that listed all the attractions and things to do nearby, as Happy rolled back onto her stomach to check her phone and cursed under her breath while deleting a chain of texts from Walter who just couldn’t leave them alone.

“You know,” Toby looked up from the booklet. “Apparently there’s this great little bakery just across the street that has super authentic desserts and snacks. You want to go check it out?”

Happy glanced up from beside him, tossing her phone back onto her side table. “Hmm?”

“I’m just saying, the only time we’ve left the room in the five days since we’ve been here is to eat. And even then it’s just at the dining room across the courtyard.”

“And you’re complaining about that?” She smirked, sitting up to cuddle into his side.

“Not in the slightest.” He grinned in return, kissing her forehead as he wrapped an arm around her to pull her in even closer. “But we might as well go and explore the world outside, no?”

She took the booklet from him, pretending to think about it while she read the page herself. “Looks good, don’t see why not.” She put it aside and shifted to straddle him, wrapping her arms around his neck as she leaned up to whisper in his ear. “It means we’d have to get dressed though.”

“God, Hap,” Toby groaned, holding her waist. “You’re going to kill me.”

Happy sat back on his thighs, running her hands down his chest. “Now we can’t have that, can we?”

Toby inhaled sharply and removed her hands, interlacing them with his instead. “Tell you what, how about we go check out the place, and then when we get back we can do whatever you want. How’s that sound?”

She laughed, reaching up to give him a quick kiss. “Sounds great, Doc.” She shifted off him to stand up. “Wanna go now?”

“After all, the sooner we go the sooner we can get back, right?” Toby smirked as he stretched and got up as well.

“And the more time we have for later,” She pulled him down to whisper in his ear, her hot breath against his neck making him groan again, and she smirked as she patted his chest and slipped into the bathroom.

She got dressed quickly, pulling on a pair of jeans and a tank under her leather jacket. Lacing up her boots she saw him dressed in jeans and a t-shirt contemplating which jacket to choose.

“This one.” Happy handed him the black leather jacket she didn’t see him wear enough.

Toby smirked at how she let her gaze on him and did a twirl for her when it was on. “You clearly like it as you packed it for me, babe.”

All he got in response was a pleased eyebrow raise and her sliding her hand into his back pocket pushing him out the door.

Nobody saw them on the way to the elevator and once in the lobby, Happy removed her hand from his ass to loop her arm through his as they made their way to the bakery across the way.

The crispness in the air felt good, as did being outside. Taking in the town they were in, it was a blend between tourism postcards they’d seen of quintessential France but also reminiscent of the small California towns they’d meander through on the rare times they got away from LA.

Stepping into the bakery, it smelled of fresh bread and pastries with a strong aroma of coffee lacing the air from where people sat with cups of espresso drinks.

He wrapped his arm around her waist while they queued up, several people ahead of them. “What’re you craving, love? Something chocolate or maybe one of the fruity creations?”

She craned her neck and spotted several chocolate croissants still in the case. “Chocolate,” she told him. “And a cappuccino.”

Toby nodded, kissing the top of her head and smiling at the man behind the counter as they were next. He ordered for them both in French and the smile on Happy’s face as he handed Toby the box of treats lit up the place.

They sat down to drink their cappuccinos and discuss what they thought of the town. It was nearly an hour spent people watching before they were told the bakery was closing, so they grabbed their pastries for later and handed over their cups and saucers.

“ _Merci!_ ” Toby waved to the baker as they stepped out, laughing at the surprise on Happy’s face. “Well, looks like _someone's_ impressed.”

She bumped into his side playfully. “Not that your ego needs to get any bigger than it already is, but yes. Since when did you-”

“Looks like all those cross-faculty modules I was forced to take in MIT finally started paying off.” He grinned, and went on to explain further at Happy’s questioning gaze. “The RA for my hall was a postgrad student from France who was also working as a French tutor. Given how much trouble I kept getting into thanks to the older kids, she made me a deal that if I took her French classes to clear my modules then she wouldn't write up _all_ my cases.”

“Wait, so you were _blackmailed_ into taking French?”

“You don't have to look so gleeful about it.” Toby pouted. “I was a poor, lonely kid, no bigger than Ralph is now, who was manipulated by a cruel overlording system of hierarchy.”

“It couldn't have been that bad,” Happy raised an eyebrow at his over dramatization.

Toby clutched his heart in mock agony. “It hurts how much you snub my pain. But,” he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close. “If I had known that I was going through those three years of hell so that I could be in this moment with you, I never would have complained.”

Happy blushed, leaning further into him, but kept up their banter. “Oh, so you were a whiner since then, huh?”

“I don't whine!” Toby exclaimed, indignant. “I just make loud, valid complaints about things being less than ideal.”

“So that's what you call the pouting tantrum when the ferret decided to sit on Walt's lap instead of yours two weeks back?”

“All I'm saying is that Bueller should've have chosen the person who petitioned to save him from being a viper’s lunch, rather than the person who intentionally injected the poor guy with venom.”

They had reached the hotel by then, and the doorman who had heard the last bits of what Toby just said looked at them in a mixture of confusion and fear.

“It's about a ferret, _un furet_ . _Longue histoire_.” Toby offered him a warm smile. The doorman nodded hesitantly, still highly unconvinced, and Toby winced as they turned the corner. “Don't think he bought that as much as I wanted him to.”

“Great job, now by dinner the entire staff will think we're part of some murder conspiracy.”

“Well, my dear,” Toby dramatized as he opened the door to their room. “What's the point of coming of France if you don't leave behind a little scandal?”

Happy smirked and grabbed the box from him, settling down on the couch as she took out an eclair. “If you want to be known as a killer in this region it's fine by me.”

“See? I knew girls dig bad boys.” He sat down and wrapped an arm around her shoulders as he rummaged through the box for his canelé. “Though personally I prefer the term ‘assassin.’ _Much_ more badass. And it's the same word in French as well, when you write it. Feels deadlier than _meurtrier_.”

“I seriously doubt they put that much emphasis on the synonyms of ‘assassin’ in your French class.” Happy deadpanned.

“You should've have seen the professor in my sophomore year. I wouldn't put it past him being a spy for the DGSE.”

“Oh yeah, because a DGSE spy has nothing better to do than to teach a nerdy preteen who was blackmailed into taking his class.”

Toby leaned over to steal a bite of her eclair in retaliation, but only ended up getting his cheek smeared with icing when she moved to hide it just in time.

“How was it?” Happy asked, after dumping the tissue box on his lap and scooting back so he wouldn’t try to wipe off the icing on her shirt.

“Yummy, though maybe next time you could be kind enough to let me have a bit.” He grinned, but it soon faded when he saw her quietened demeanor. “You're not talking about the icing?”

She shook her head. “You’re always going on about your degrees, but you’ve never said much about college itself.”

“That’s because the process of it was far less glamorous than the end product.” His tone was joking, but she knew there were a lot of things he was trying to forget. “But it’s all worth it in the end, and that’s what matters, right?”

Happy offered him a smile in return, not wanting to ruin the mood by pushing him. “Practically everyone was telling me to go, but I guess I had a slight aversion to authority back then.” She admitted.

“You have a slight aversion to authority even now, sweetheart.” He grinned, pulling her sideways onto his lap. “I’m sure badass baby Happy was a force to be reckoned with.”

“Sounds like you could have used a bit of it yourself, I mean being blackmailed by your RA? Really, Doc?”

“That was one of the better things that happened to me though, so I can't really complain.” He tried to brush it off, but when he saw the questions burning in her eyes, he figured he might as well tell her more. “Let's just say the others didn't like it when a kid ten years younger than them was constantly topping the class, and they didn't bother hiding it.”

“There were nice ones like Rory who helped me even when the others were teasing them for hanging out with me, but there was only a few of them.”

“Why'd you stay then?” Happy asked, and he offered her a sad smile.

“The day after my MIT commencement I went back home, and I'd already been accepted to Harvard so I was really excited to tell them everything. I opened the door to see my mother passed out on a near fatal concoction of vodka and her drugs, and my dad had hopped over for a day trip to Atlantic City with his buddies. I made a promise to myself that I'd help my parents, I couldn't let them down just because my classmates were jerks.”

She nodded solemnly, it had never really occurred to her how much he had been through. Just because his life looked much better than hers on paper with having both parents and skipping more grades than he actually attended, she had come to realize how much of a hell he had had to endure himself.

“Doesn't mean I didn't get them back whenever I could,” he winked, wanting to lighten the mood again. “It's amazing the things you can get away with when you're half the height of everyone else. ‘Accidentally’ tripping over their wires and unplugging the computer before they saved their work was one of my favorites. And not to mention the looks from people when a kid has free range of Mass Gen, it's priceless.”

Happy was looking at him expectantly, and he gladly continued. “You know, they almost held me back from graduating med school for two years because I couldn't do my gynecology rotation. Apparently having a fifteen year old boy in the room brought along a whole range of statutory law suits.”

She made a face but burst out laughing, and just watching her made all the demons that had clawed their way back to the forefront of his mind disappear. Toby didn’t really believe in fate or destiny, but he figured that if everything he had gone through was to get him to this moment, then it really wasn't that bad a price to pay.

“So how _did_ you graduate?” Happy asked as she finally calmed down, still shaking with laughter in his arms.

Toby told her how his supervisory professor knew he was going into psych, so he didn't have to focus too much on all the physical aspects. And since his grades and other rotation remarks were pretty much perfect, he managed to convince the dean to let that part slide.

Happy grinned as she listened to him, then something clicked for her. “So you do actually read them.”

“Hmm?”

“All those French medical books you have in the garage, you actually read them.”

Toby shot her a bemused smile. “Of course I read them, why else would I be staring at them for hours on end? I’ve always loved reading in French once I got the hang of it. It’s a sexy language plus it keeps me fluent.”

“Honestly I thought you were just flipping through them to show off,” Happy shrugged when Toby raised an eyebrow at that. “Can’t really put it past you.”

“Fair enough,” Toby conceded. “I mean I do genuinely read them, but if you thought I was just trying to show off… did it work? You were impressed, right?” His tone was teasing, but Happy knew him well enough by now to know that he was genuinely curious about what she used to think of him before.

“Yeah, ‘cause I didn’t consider you enough of a pretentious jerk as it was,” she scoffed playfully, kissing the pout off Toby’s face. “But now knowing that you can actually read and understand all that? Now I’m impressed.”

She grinned at how Toby beamed at that. Settling back against him, Happy found herself wishing she had similar stories from her youth to share with him, then remembered that she actually did.  “I did crash a few lectures at Dylan's college,” she admitted slowly. Toby seemed much better with the situation after actually meeting him, but she still didn't want to risk ruining things again. But there wasn't the slightest hint of him taking it badly, waiting for her to continue with a surprised smile on his face.

“He was an urban studies major, but I made him do two engineering modules in the first term itself, so I could see what it was like. He needed to do a few science-based modules anyway, and I told him I'd go through the difficult stuff with him. I thought it was fairly elementary, especially after I pretty much tutored Ethan when I was younger, but he didn't get a word of it and it nearly destroyed his GPA.”

Toby practically snorted into her hair. “Why am I not surprised? And I'm sure you could have taught the profs instead.”

“Exactly. I got him to ask around about the timing and venues for a few higher level classes so I could sneak in, but even those weren't that challenging so I figured I might as well teach myself.”

“That's my girl.” Toby grinned proudly, smiling so wide he could barely kiss her properly.

“I'm sorry I kept brushing off your past like you didn't have any problems,” Happy looked down, playing with his hands. She needed to address all the words that had been exchanged in fits of anger over the past few months, she couldn’t bear for there to be any lingering hostility.

Toby shook his head, his eyes burning with sincerity and apology. “I'm sorry I refused to talk to you about your past in a remotely civilized way. Just because I was upset and hurt didn’t mean I didn't need to listen to you.”

She looked up at him as his words sunk in. It was the first time he had used the past tense to describe all the anger and pain he had been feeling. Even after his birthday when they had pretty much gotten back on track, it had still been along the lines of ‘I am still stinging, but I love you more than the pain’.

He knew what she had focused on, it was like he could practically read her mind. “I thought I told you in Amsterdam itself that it's all behind us and we're good?” He smiled, brushing his lips against her temple. “It's over Hap, we’re moving forward now, there's no need to keep looking back.” 

* * *

Waking up as the afternoon rays shined through bay window of their suite, Toby smiled at Happy still draped over him and sleeping peacefully. The past week had been amazing for them, the new environment and complete privacy had given them a much needed peace of mind to recover and reconnect after everything that had happened since _that night_.

But he knew Happy still hadn’t fully let go of all her demons that had resurfaced in the recent months, and the most heartbreaking for him was how desperate she seemed for reassurance from him that he still wanted to marry her, despite their talk after seeing that wedding. Just two days ago, he had knelt down to fix his laces before heading for dinner, an innocent action he hadn’t even thought about until he looked up and saw how her face had crumpled before she covered it up with a smile he knew was forced.

And he did, there was nothing more Toby wanted that to marry her and spend the rest of their lives together. But he also knew it was also too soon, which was why he left the ring at home instead of bringing it along- the last thing he wanted was for Happy to find it in his bag and get her hopes up when he wasn’t intending to re-propose just yet. They’d only just gotten over her massive secret and how it had almost torn them apart, and there was still so much they needed to learn about each other, and themselves, before officially tying the knot. Not that he’d be anywhere but by her side forever, signed piece of paper or not.

He held her until she stirred, smiling up at him with a sleepy “Hey,” that he replied with a kiss. She sat up to stretch before laying back down across him, and asks what he had planned for the rest of the day.

“Do you want to go out for a while?” He asked, shifting down slightly to look at her.

“Out?”

“Around town, we’ve barely seen the area. And I’m not complaining about that,” He smirked, and she couldn’t help copying his expression. “But we might as well make the most out of this place.”

Nodding, she stretched again before reaching over to grab the attractions booklet that Toby had been thumbing through over the past few days. “Where are you thinking of?”

“How about around the beach? You know, a place we can walk to instead of you driving that death trap like a madwoman.”

Happy narrowed her eyes at him. “It’s barely fifty degrees out. And I control the car perfectly well, thank you very much.”

“Not to go in.” Toby ignored her comment about the car as he took the booklet from her and flipped to the page that showed a stretch of the beach with little shops lining the street opposite. “Just walk around and see what they have. And maybe grab some stuff for the team too.”

Leaning over so she could read it too, Happy agreed that it would be a nice place to check out. They dressed casually to go down to the beach and seeing all the little kiosks had Toby light up. She teased him how he was like a kid and he shushed her by pulling her with him to explore them.

After picking up a scarf for Paige and a new set of aviators for Cabe, they stopped at another booth. Toby spoke French with the vendor and Happy checked out the keychains in front.

“Look!” he said brightly while holding up a keychain. “They’re the Scorpio constellation.”

The woman selling it smiled and nodded at her, so Happy smiled back and told Toby to get it. “We need to bring back gifts for the team so how about getting those for Sly and Walt?”

He kissed her cheek and paid for two keychains, talking animatedly with the vendor before wrapping his arm around Happy’s shoulders. “You enjoying this, Hap?”

“Yeah,” she smiled. “It’s not too cold out and the fresh air feels good.” They made their way down beach when Toby stopped abruptly.

“Huh.” Happy looked up at him questioningly, but he was staring at the pier just in front of them, reading something spray painted on its side, though she couldn’t understand the French herself. Turning back to her, he gently tugged her so she was standing in front of him and wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on her shoulder.

“The cure for anything is saltwater: sweat, tears or the sea. Isak Dinesen.” He translated it for her. “It works for us you know, when you think about it.”

Happy glanced at the quote again before looking back at him, waiting for him to elaborate.

“Sweat for all the running and sex we’ve been having, tears for the way too much crying we’ve both done, and the sea for when we go to the beach for the fresh air and open ocean, both here and at home.” He smiled at her adoringly, and she leaned further into him as she realized how well it did fit them.

“It’s beautiful,” she whispered, nodding. “And very us.”

“No more tears,” Toby kissed her temple gently. “Though I am all for the other two.”

He winked as she turned to face him, and she couldn’t help laughing as she moved to wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him. “Agreed.”

Wrapping his own arms around her waist, Toby couldn’t believe how open Happy was with him as compared to just a few months ago. He kissed the side of her face as she let go, “I love you so much.”

He’d never stop meaning those words with everything in him, but Toby regretted saying those words at that moment when he saw how Happy’s eyes brightened with hope that told him exactly what she was hoping for. What he wasn’t ready to ask her yet.

“Let’s go back to the hotel?” He asked, interlacing their fingers and trying in vain not to notice how fast that spark of hope in her extinguished.

“Sure,” her voice didn’t betray any of that emotion as she fell in step beside him, though a smirk did tug at the corner of her mouth. “We should probably work more on that first point, and I’m not talking about running.”

* * *

“Seriously? Dineen is in on it now too?” Happy groaned as she reached over to decline the offending call. But it started ringing again even before she could toss it back onto the side table, and Toby sat up saying they better answer it.

“You want to talk to _Paige_ instead of letting me do what I was about to do to you?” She raised an eyebrow, and Toby whined that wasn’t fair.

“You know I love everything you do, babe. But I trust Paige wouldn’t bother us if it’s not an emergency.” He reached for the phone.

“If it turns out to be Walt spoofing the number…”

“I will make it up to you for the rest of the trip,” Toby promised, answering the call and pretending to not hear how Happy muttered _more like for the rest of our lives_.

“ _What the hell is wrong with you two?!”_ Paige’s shrill voice almost deafened Toby, and even Happy jumped as he dropped the phone in shock.

They looked at each other in confusion before switching the call to speakerphone, genuine innocence as they asked Paige what she was talking about.

“You _idiots_ , _why_ would you send Walter a text like that?” Paige demanded, and both Toby and Happy quickly caught on to what she was talking about.

_“You gotta be kidding me,” Toby all but whined as his phone dinged with a text from Walter insisting they help on a case. It was the latest in a string of texts he’d sent them that day, not at all gently reminding them how their vacation was_ ‘inconveniencing the team’ _and_ ‘inefficient for business _’._

_Happy walked out from where she was towel drying her hair in the ensuite, “You haven’t told Walt to fuck off already?”_

_“You think he’s actually listen?” Toby shot back, and she shrugged it was worth a try._

_“What is it this time, anyway?”_

_Toby couldn’t have rolled his eyes harder as he read the text out loud, Walter insisting they fly back for a_ ‘very crucial job’ _which, from the case brief he had sent with it, was apparently a software problem that Toby and Happy couldn’t even help much on._

_“Give me that,” Happy grabbed the phone from Toby and simply typed back_ We’re on vacation _._

_That wasn’t enough to placate Walter, of course, and when even Toby’s reply of_ Stop bothering us when we’re reconnecting on an intimate level _didn’t work either, they both agreed to just stop replying._

_Walter finally seemed to get the message after a while, though when he texted them again that morning once more insisting they return for a case they weren’t strictly needed on, Happy had had enough._

The Doc’s hands are busy, O’Brien. And don’t bother calling, his mouth is busy too _she replied, smug when they didn’t get a reply to it. Not to mention how it was a win-win for her as Toby growled that he loved that she was so feisty, and threw his phone across the room before pinning her to the mattress to show her just how much she turned him on._

"Aww Paige, are you saying you're the only one who can talk dirty to Walt?" Toby teased her, and Happy swatted his arm in a good natured backhand though she couldn’t help giggling herself.

“What? No! I-” Paige stammered, and Toby smirked proudly.

“Immediate denial is a sign of-”

“Toby!” Paige snapped, and he shut up immediately at her sharp _you fucked up_ mom tone. "You know Walter doesn't get those kinds of implications and you know when he sees something illogical he announces it to the whole team to try and figure it out. The whole team, that includes _my eleven year old son_."

_That_ made them pause, and they winced at poor Ralph hearing Walter read that text aloud. While they had fully intended to make it awkward for their boss, they never wanted the kid to be caught in the crossfire.

"Uhm..." Toby tried, but Paige cut him off.

"Listen, I know you're on a vacation you more than deserve and I know Walter's annoying but for god's sake then just turn off your phones."

Happy sighed as she spoke for the first time. "We tried that, Walter remotely turned them on again. Airplane mode doesn’t help much either."

They heard Paige groan in frustration they knew wasn’t just at them. No doubt she hadn’t known the extent of just how much Walter had been bothering them, and if they weren’t in trouble with her themselves they would’ve been having so much fun at Walter’s expense.

“Look, I’ll talk to Walter about leaving you two alone,” she finally sighed. "But you two need to ignore him or reply appropriately, because if Walter reads out one more text that's remotely dirty I swear to God I'm going to fly out there and personally smash your phones into pieces so tiny even Happy won't be able to recognize what they are."

She abruptly cut the call with that, leaving Toby and Happy stunned into silence for a moment as they processed Paige’s threat.

"Well that was... unexpected." Toby finally commented. “Can’t remember the last time Paige was that pissed.”

Happy shot him a _you don’t say_ look. "I do feel bad about the kid though."

"Yeah, but can you imagine Walter reading that text out?" Toby read out that text in a perfect imitation of Walter that reduced them both into a fit of laughter. That rush of endorphins was impossible to resist, and he tossed his phone aside to pull Happy back on top of him.

“You were saying something about what you want to do to me?” He smirked, and she kissed him but got off him despite his whining.  “Where are you going?”

She didn’t reply, but he saw that she was deftly removing the SIM cards from both their phones before she brought his back to bed with them. “Beats me why we didn’t think of this earlier,” she smirked in a way that had him aching for her though she was already in his arms. “Don’t need a SIM card to take photos.”

* * *

Toby straightened the hem of his sweater as he watched her finish putting on her makeup. “You don’t need that, you know,” he called out.

She shushed him and said she liked it so to pipe down until she was done. A ‘yes, ma’am’ later and he grinned taking her in even more. She had changed into tight black leather pants with a silky black buttonfront. On her feet were the patent leather heels from their first day in Brittany that had him seriously considering if they shouldn’t stay in for dinner.

_The train ride to Paris was two and a half hours that didn’t feel that long as they spent most of it making out. Usually Happy met any advances for PDA with threats but she was safe in their honeymoon phase bubble and didn’t care what strangers she’d never see again thought. Not that there was anyone to see them besides the conductor who walked through the near empty train car they were in._

_At the station, there was a car waiting to take them to the hotel. Weaving through the streets of Paris, both took in the beauty of the city and he pressed a kiss to her head whispering how excited he was for this weekend._

_After a smooth check-in, they freshened up and then headed out for a walk through the Luxembourg Gardens near the hotel. The paths were mostly clear and they took their time taking it all in while Happy tried to get more details of their weekend from Toby._

_“Come on, Doc, what do you have planned?”_

_He shook his head and told her she’d have to wait. “All I’ll tell you is that we are going to dinner tonight and it will be the height of romance. I will be proving my Casanova skills in spades tonight.”_

_She rolled her eyes, a habit likely never to be broken._

_“Don’t be like that,” he said. Knowing she would need to be distracted as she didn’t let things go, he said that Angelina was their next stop. “Their hot chocolate is legendary and I think you’d like the macarons, my sweet.”_

He replayed his favorite moments of their last week together and didn’t see her until she was straddling his waist. “Where’d you go to, Doc? We have reservations to keep.”

His hands settled on his hips and he told her they didn’t have to keep them. “I was remembering when we skivved off our reservation Tuesday to _stay in_.” He waggled his eyebrows at her and slid his hands under her blouse to skim over her sides. “And I though we may want to do that again…”

“Not a chance.” Her tone was flat and she abruptly stood up, eliciting a loud whine from Toby and an unamused eyebrow lift from her. “You seriously want to flake out on the romance in Paris you promised me?”

“No,” he pouted. When he whined that room service could be just as romantic, she scrunched her face up.

“And you go from fuckable to not with one whine…” Toby pouted more and pulled her to him. “Fine,” she said while rolling her eyes more. “Only because you’re hot I’ll let it slide, _this time_.”

“You like when I’m sliding on you, babe.”

She groaned, that was handed to him on a platter and she knew it. “You’re hot and I love you, so we’ll move on.” Happy then laughed and told him he looked like she was marching him off to the guillotine, not a romantic dinner.

He sighed, telling her that as wonderful as it was going to be, his baser needs wanted to win out.

“Tell you what, Doc.” Her arms wrapped loosely around his back and she cupped his ass to pull him closer. “In addition to having dessert at the restaurant, we will have even more when we get back. I still have lingerie you haven’t seen yet.” That last part was whispered in his ear and he shivered the way her breath was hot in his ear and her hands were on him.

“Now let’s go.” She swatted at him and he shot up.

“Yes, ma’am.” Toby ran a hand over his curls with a last look in the mirror and extended his elbow to her. “Shall we?”

“We shall,” she responded with a grin and grabbing her clutch to head out, and glad he didn’t go to put his hat on.

She was glad she wore her jacket as it was colder than she was used to. Toby, on the other hand, was perfectly content wearing his sweater. ‘My New York blood,’ he always said.

“So,” he started, “what do you have planned for dessert back at the room?”

“Me,” she told him.

His groan garnered a few looks from those on the sidewalk with them but they didn’t pay attention. All they were concerned with was the other on their arm and how the feeling of elation overtook them. It was new, mostly for her, but also for him with her being open like this, but not something they wanted to lose.

“Are you sure you know the way?” Happy’s voice drew his gaze and he assured her that he did.

“The concierge told me and it is our next left.” He spotted the street and guided her around the corner to an alley with the restaurant at the end. “It’s a local favorite most tourists don’t know about. Plus,” his chest puffed out, “I’m told they only speak French so you’re in luck, mon cherie.”

-

Toby spoke with the maître d’ as Happy observed the half-full restaurant. Realizing that they were going to be seated among the other people, she whispered to Toby she wanted a more secluded table. He nodded and pointed to the table in the back, asking if they could have that one.

Knowing the language everyone spoke, Happy took a ten euro note out of her clutch for him. The man pocketed it with a thin smile and led them to the back corner.

With the menus in front of them, she scanned it and told Toby she’d have beef bourguignon. “Not exactly sexy to eat, but it is delicious.”

“You’re always sexy, kitten.” He kissed the side of her head and she chuckled that he said that all the time.

“And it’s always true.”

Once the waiter brought over the champagne and they each had a sip, Toby moved closer. Wrapping his arm around her shoulders, he cupped her face and leaned down to kiss her. “I love you.”

She nuzzled into his touch and murmured it back, not caring who saw how much they loved each other. Some of the other patrons glanced their way but only fleetingly and were more interested in their own dining companions than with them.

Toby took a final glance at the menu to decide and ordered for both of them when the waiter returned for their choices.  

“How long do you think it’ll be until our food is done?” she asked.

“Maybe half an hour,” he says, asking if she has a hot date to get to that he didn’t know about.

Happy laughed and said not that she was aware of. “I just wanted to know if I had time for this.”

He didn’t get the chance to ask what for when her hand grazed over his thigh and palmed him under the table. She kissed under his ear and warned him not to moan. “If you can’t keep quiet, this will have to wait until we get back to the room.”

“No,” he panted, his breath ragged as he swallowed to regain composure. “I have an excellent poker face, remember.”

She shot him a look and moved her hand off him. “That is the least sexy thing you could say to me, ever.”

“You know what I mean,” he stammered. “I’m not gambling again and we both know that. It’s just an expression. And a fact, Hap.”

Still not convinced, he lowered his voice and asked if she didn’t want to continue. “That’s fine too.” The bulge in his pants didn’t agree but Toby always made sure Happy was comfortable with all they did, his arousal didn’t factor into that equation.

“If I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t have started.” She slid her hand back over his thigh and told him to wrap his arm around her shoulders again. “We need this to look like we’re that disgustingly in love couple, not the depraved one.”

“Aren’t we both?” he asked as his arm snaked around her.

She chuckled softly and said that they were. “But they only need to think the former.”

He bit his lip and then licked his lower one, saying she was checking off another item on his sexual bucket list right now.

Happy’s fingers traced over him and said they’d need to discuss all his items when they got home. “If you ask nicely, I’ll tell you mine.”

“Done.” His voice was only half an octave higher, which was a feat considering she started to pump him under his trousers.

Their conversation, which was mostly a facade, continued and she picked up her speed and kissed him. “Tell me, Doc,” her lips dragged down his scruff, “you sure you don’t mind coming in your pants like a teenager?”

“Not at all.” His voice was thicker now and it was only a few more moments until he came. Usually he lasted longer but it had been most of the day since he orgasmed, a rarity this trip, and his body ached for her.

Toby exhaled shakily and reached for his champagne, taking a gulp and reaching for his napkin to drape over his lap. She wiped the sides of her mouth to clean up her lipstick from their kiss and only a small smirk on her lips was noticed by him as he adjusted himself, muttering how that mess was so worth it. He never imagined that would ever happen but wasn’t complaining. If France was bringing out a more adventurous side to Happy, he welcomed it.

Now back to his senses, he surveyed the dining room and nobody jumped out at him to having witnessed what just transpired.

They talked more about the day and he said he had more planned for tomorrow that she’d have to wait and see then. “But tonight,” he rasped nipping _that spot_ behind her ear, “All I’m doing is you.” She grinned and bit her lip when he told her the first thing he was going to do was eat her like she was his last meal.

A faint blush crept onto her cheeks and her eyes darkened in anticipation. Anticipation that built up more as their food was served and only part of their appetites were sated at the table.

-

Back in their room after dinner, Toby sat at the edge of the bed, wearing only a new pair of silk boxers he had changed into after quickly cleaning up from his before dinner treat. He still couldn’t believe that she got him off in public, albeit a dark and secluded corner, and it was amazing.

Not knowing what she would come out in, his mind wandered through all the outfits she shared with him over the last week. Each lace or silk creation merely enhanced her beauty, and as he told her, she looked stunning with or without wearing something.

“Hi, Doc.” She walked over to him, one high-heeled foot in front of the other until she stood in front of him. “You like?” Happy twirled, something he never thought would happen before they got together, and his eyes widened when he realized the burgundy lace barely covering her was crotchless.

“I love.” A Cheshire cat grin overtook his mouth and he reached for her, pulling her forward and she straddled him. “I love you so much.”

She laughed because those words were said to her dozens of times a day, and she knew he meant them each and every time. Winding her arms around his neck and kissing him there, Toby pulled away.

“No, no, no. My turn,” he chided with a sly grin. “You’ve already unraveled me, and in public too, you little minx.” He easily flipped her to her back on the bed and hovered over her.

“You enjoyed that, you told me as much.”

“Of course I did.” He nipped at her neck and brought her hands to over her head. “I really wanted to return the favor at the restaurant but we both know you can’t keep your moans muffled.”

“That’s also something you enjoy.” She arched up to kiss his jawline and said she was glad he hadn’t as being arrested for public indecency would have been mortifying. “At least I knew that with you we’d be able to hide it.”

“We did. But no more hiding, love. We’re back in private and I’m hungrier than ever for you.” Toby took in the sight of her on the bed and rolled his hips down with a groan.

“I know your predilection for me remaining somewhat clothed during sex.” She bent her knee and wrapped her leg around his thigh. “Items like this make it much more fun.”

“They certainly do,” he growled while bringing her arms down and pushing her up on the pillows. “Such beauty…”

His lips brushed over the bare skin of her neck and he nibbled his way down to her breast. Lace covered only right above her nipples and he saw them hard underneath. He released her hand to cup her other breast and she moaned, crying out when he suddenly rolled her nipple between his fingers.

The sensation of his mouth soft at her other breast and his hand rough on her other was delightful. She squirmed so he held her down lightly as he kissed his way down her body, leaving a few hickeys along the way.

She was beautiful, and he told her so, his lips against her skin showing how much he loved and wanted her. Happy dug her fingers into her scalp, a sensation which spurred him on.

Alternating between gentle and rough, Happy shuddered at his hands holding her waist. His nose nudged her legs apart and they fell open for him to move between them. Thumbing her sides, his lips dragged from her knee up to the crease of her thigh.

It was slow to build her up and looking up he saw her getting wetter. He took his time, kissing each thigh, leave a mark at her hip, rubbing his scruff just over her clit to lick the skin where the lace no longer covered her, all while holding her still as she squirmed to get him lower.

“Toby,” she moaned, aggravation at how slow he was going. “Stop torturing me.”

“Not torturing you.” He punctuated each word with kisses back to her outer lips.

She bucked up and briefly got contact on her clit. He smirked that she tried yet he wasn’t ready yet. “I want you even wetter, honey bear.”

Her growl told him she wasn’t amused so he moved his thumbs up to under her breasts. “It’ll be worth it,” he promised. “It always is.”

Toby dipped his head lower and sucked her lip between his teeth, nibbling in a way that had her legs straighten as she cried out. He held her in place where his hands were and continued his assault on her lips circling them.

It was intense and she squirmed, enjoying it all and bracing for more. She relaxed into him and he tongued her opening, tasting her juices and spreading them up as he moaned into her his delight. When he finally flicked over her clit, she gasped and arched into it.

She had a vice grip in his curls and he had to shake her loose, content with the looser hold she then took. Her body moved, still covered in lace but the top pulled down to expose her breasts. They heaved with her breathing and he loved every second of pleasuring her. Him pausing to watch her wasn’t what Happy wanted to she tugged him back to where he was and wrapped her leg around his back.

He licked her open and sucked her clit into his mouth without warning. She screamed and he kept pace, loving the way she wriggled and cried out his name. Soon, Happy was panting and the buildup left her speechless. He didn’t stop, a continuous pace on her clit until she came.

Toby didn’t pull back, now gently licking over her while she found her words once more. “That was… that was… Ugh, that was awesome.”

“And it’s not over yet, kitten.”

-

“This two beds thing is really nice,” Happy noted as she snuggled into Toby under the covers. His arms wrapped around her and she molded into his side. He kissed the top of her head and she rested her hand on his chest. Cuddling was something she’d avoid before him and now she reveled in it. He made her feel safe and loved and this entire trip solidified it.

“It really is, and you’re really nice.”

“Not too nice.” There was amusement in her tone and she rested her chin on his chest.

“I mean it,” he said seriously. Brushing back her hair, his hazel eyes shone with love for her. “I never thought I deserved such an amazing life. You’ve given me that, love.”

That floored her, months of being with Toby and years as his friend hadn’t prepared her for this. He deserved everything and that’s what he gave her. She leaned up to kiss him, her hands holding the sides of his face to deepen it.

Her tongue slipped between his lips and he granted her access, groaning when it swept over the roof of his mouth. The way her body shifted onto him prompted him to hold her hips and work his way up her spine. But even as he kissed her back with his fingers tangling in his hair, she could feel that there was something weighing on his mind as he wasn’t as enthusiastic as he normally would have been.

Pulling back just enough to look at him, she took his hand in hers to press a kiss to his palm. “There’s something on your mind…” she commented, and the way he glanced down she knew she was right. Shifting so she was laying draped over his chest, she asked him to please tell her.

“Hap…” The tentativeness in his voice made her furrow her brows and he smiled to allay the fear in her eyes. “What are we going to do when we go home?”

“I don’t understand. We’ll be together, right?”

He turned and said of course. “I mean the PDA and how easy it’s been here, I don’t want to upset you but with how effortless these last two weeks have been I want to make sure I don’t overstep.”

“You won’t, I liked how we were.” Toby asked if that means she won’t mind if people know they’re together on cases and stuff. Shaking her head, she told him it’s not a secret. “Let’s just keep it professional and not in your face, but you casually touching me or me leaning against you in a slow moment I’m okay with.”

Those words were pure elation for him and he couldn’t contain his joy, peppering her face with kisses. His scruff sent her into a giggling mess and when they stopped laughing, she smiled. “But we need to keep it PG in front of Ralph, or Paige will kill us.”

He laughed and promised to keep it appropriate in front of Ralph as well as the others. “But I know my girl likes some dirty talk,” he grinned.

“That I do. And I love how safe I feel with you. Even more than before.”

Everything about what they’d gone through had taken its toll and she still worried how dependent she was on Toby. He was her favorite person and the one she wanted to share her life with. They progressed quickly after their shared, near-death experience in Antarctica and abruptly spiraled after his proposal failed. She understood how waiting to get married was best but it still hurt, and she wanted to let enjoy the way they were.

“Then we do,” Toby stated. The way she was so open with him about her emotions still floored him and he hugged her close. “I will love you forever, Hap.” He kissed her head and murmured how they were solid.

She nuzzled back into him and kissed his chest. “I’m not going anywhere, Toby. You’re stuck with me.”

“Promise?”

“Absolutely,” she assured him. “Quintis against the world.”

He chuckled, saying that was perfect. “I’ll never stop being your person, babe. And I know you’ll always be mine.”

“And I wouldn’t change that for the world,” she smiled, leaning up to kiss him, and he cupped the back of her neck as he kissed her back.

“I _can’t_ change that for the world even if I wanted to,” he pecked a kiss to the tip of her nose. “Because _you’re_ my world, love.” 

* * *

“Ready to go home and back to the real world?” Toby hugged her from behind just as she locked up her luggage.

She turned in his arms to hug him back. “The real world, yes, but I never really left home.” Smiling at how he adorably cocked his head to the side in confusion, she leaned up to kiss his jaw. “My home is wherever you are, Doc.”

That look of disbelief and pure bliss spread across Toby’s face again when he heard that, and Happy felt the heat rising in her cheeks as she waited for him to find the words to respond. But he didn’t, not immediately at least, and instead tilted her face up with both hands to pepper her with kisses.

She was blushing like mad when Toby finally pulled back, and he grinned that he couldn’t believe she was being all gushy and romantic. Unable to stop the widest smile growing, Happy buried her face in his chest and muttered that was on him.

“And I’m not complaining, love. Are you?” Toby was smirking into her hair, and when she shook her head again him he lifted her up in his arms and walked over to sit on the couch with her across his lap.

Happy cupped his cheek as she kissed him and he reciprocated, kissing her deep but gently. They sat together like that for a while, kissing and revelling in how they’d finally broken through the worst of their demons together, until Happy’s phone dinged.

“Set an alarm to finish pack up, I figured we’d end up getting distracted before we were done,” she grinned, and Toby pouted but agreed they needed to check out soon. But then he caught a glimpse of her home screen as she quit the clock app, and his jaw dropped open in surprise as he grabbed the phone out of her hand.

“Hey! Give-”

“Your home screen is us?” That grin of disbelief spread across his face again. Happy blushed as she tried to get the phone back from him, but he held it up out of her reach.

Tilting the screen down so he could see the picture again without her snatching it back, the grin on his face widened as he recognized the picture as one a concierge in Brittany had helped them take.

_They were standing against the balcony on the pool deck, Happy in front of him with his arms around her waist. Toby leaned down to kiss her cheek while the concierge was still trying to work out the best angle, and she giggled as she looked up at him. The concierge had snapped a photo just then before calling for their attention to take a photo with both of them facing the camera. They didn’t know whether it was a lucky accidental snap or the concierge had perfect timing, but they had both agreed that the first photo was the best of the entire trip._

The screen locked just then, and Toby pouted at his reflection on the black glass, but still refused to hand the phone back to Happy as he looked at her with such expectant love in his eyes. Her blush deepened, and she shrugged though it was far from her usual cool demeanor.

“I just told you my home is wherever you are, figured I’d make us my home screen too.”

He raised an eyebrow in amusement as he gave her back the phone, but an arm around her waist prevented her from walking back to the ensuite to ensure they hadn’t left anything behind.

Leaning down, he kissed her sweetly. “And my home is wherever you are, love. Always.”

* * *

* * *

_Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long. Good things come to those who wait._

_\- Jess C. Scott_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re only a few chapters away from the conclusion of this story before we move onto part three. We’d love to hear what you think as we wrap up. Review/comments always make us smile and are very appreciated if you have the time =D


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three more chapters of this fic left and then we move onto part three! While there sadly won't be any new canon, there is always new fanfic to be written and we look forward to sharing ours =D

_“Night air, good conversation, and a sky full of stars can heal almost any wound.”_

_\- Beau Taplin_

* * *

* * *

The front door opened, and Walter, Paige and Sly all looked up eagerly, but it was only Cabe.

“I know I’m not who you were expecting, but you don’t have to look _that_ disappointed,” he laughed. “And especially since I got a great surprise for you.”

“A meeting with the Super Fun Guy cast and crew?” Sylvester lit up, shrugging innocently when the rest just rolled their eyes at him.

Cabe shook his head somewhat exasperatedly. “Not a fictional superhero, more like a real life American hero.” He stepped aside to for Tim to walk in, dressed in casual street clothes.

“Got a few days off after a particularly tough mission, so figured I might as well pop in and say hi.” He grinned, as they ran up to hug and welcome him back, even Walter wasn’t as antagonistic this time. Tim was considerably more tan than the last time they saw him, and his scruffier appearance was a hallmark sign of deep cover SEAL missions. He looked around the garage, settling contentedly on the couch. “It’s good to be back, where’s Toby and Happy by the way?”

How the others exchanged glances that did not do unnoticed by the highly trained officer, and he leaned forward. “What?”

“It’s a good thing you’re sitting down,” Sylvester laughed nervously. “Because wow do we have a story to tell you.”

* * *

“Ooh! Is that party food?” Paige jumped at Toby’s voice in her ear, turning back to see him reading her laptop screen over her shoulder as she was filling out the online catering form, Happy by his side. The familiar voice back in the garage brought the others running over to the kitchen from wherever they were, a blur of “Welcome back!” and “How was it?” and hugs.

“I can’t believe you guys are throwing a party for us.” Toby grinned, clutching his chest and smiling contentedly. “Y’all are giving me a boner in my heart.”

“He… what?” Sylvester asked hesitantly, fairly certain he didn’t actually want to hear the answer, and Happy rolled her eyes.

“This kid beside us at the boarding gate was scrolling through one of those websites that post lame jokes, and Toby enjoyed them way more than she was.”

Toby winked as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “Don’t worry Hap, you’re the only one who gives me a b-”

“You finish that sentence, you’re gonna need to find someone else.” She warned, though her lips were curved up in a smile, and he just kissed her temple with a chuckle.

“Party’s not for you anyway, so dream on.” Paige smirked as she finalized the order, just as Ralph finally came over from where he had been so engrossed coding that he missed the initial excitement. His eyes lit up at the sight of his fun uncle and aunt, and he rushed over to hug them, immediately proceeding to tell Happy about the latest project he was undertaking for college.

Paige was about to tell him to let them settle down and keep the conversation for dinner, when Toby noticed him wearing the Navy SEALs hoodie Tim had gotten for him. “Where did you get... wait, don’t tell me-”

“Tim’s back on a short leave.” Cabe grinned.

Happy looked around the garage, excited but confused. “Didn’t see him when we came in...”

“He’s resting upstairs.” Ralph piped up. “Mom said he almost had a stroke after they told him everything that happened in the past few months.” He added despite Paige motioning for him to keep quiet, knowing that the last thing Toby and Happy needed after their vacation was to be reminded of the past few months. But it didn’t seem to faze them as much as she had feared.

“Who _didn’t_ almost get a stroke the past few months? You pretty much can’t be considered part of the team if you didn’t.” Toby laughed, squeezing Happy’s hand to reassure her not to take it the wrong way. “And wait a minute, did you just say Tim’s resting _upstairs_ ? Like in the loft? Wow Walt, when did _that_ ship set sail?”

“He said his leave is only for seven days, so I assume he’ll be shipped off again around this time next week?” Walter took it too literally as usual and everyone groaned. “What? If you want me to hack the SEALs database and find out for certain-”

“Don’t even think about it.” A new voice joined in and everyone turned to see Tim yawning as he walked over to the group. “What’s all the commotion- Hey!” He brightened at the sight of Happy and Toby, going up to hug them as well. “If it isn’t our resident Shakespearean drama, what the heck happened between you guys?”

Happy blushed somewhat awkwardly, not quite knowing how to respond that without rehashing everything all over again, and Toby just hugged her to him as he answered instead. “Nothing that hasn’t been fixed,” He grinned, and saw the question Tim was struggling not to ask painted clear as day across his face. Checking with Happy that she was okay with Tim knowing, Toby gave him a brief recount of who Dylan was. “Though I realized, now that I’m thinking about it rationally, it could have been much worse. I mean, imagine if it were _Walter_.”

The team erupted into a mix of “Ew” and “Toby!” and “What’s _wrong_ with you?” With their faces scrunched in disgust, and Walter in particular looked personally affronted.

“Exactly,”  Toby pointed out, smirking. “This really wasn’t that bad. Anyway, when’s the food coming?” He turned to Paige who replied the company had promised it within two hours.

After being told there were some leftovers in the fridge, Happy said what they really needed was a shower. “We were barely in my apartment when Walter called demanding we get to the garage ‘without further delay.’ So we were only able to grab a change of clothes before driving here.”

“He tracked our flight, the nutbar,” Toby cut in.

Walter cleared his throat and the others saw the way his eyes narrowed. “That’s not unusual, Toby. Many people track their friend’s flights.”

“Not to harass them,” they all heard Ralph mumble.

The head genius looked taken aback and Paige smiled, not having the heart to correct her son as she agreed with him. “It’s great to have you both home,” she told them. “And I’m sure Walter won’t have any issue with you showering in the loft.”

He certainly wanted to object but the look she shot him had him swallow hard. “I guess they can each take a shower.”

“Not necessary,” Toby said as he took Happy’s hand. “It’ll be quicker if we shower together. And more efficient.”

Cabe snickered at the head genius’ motto being used against him. He thought he might need to break up a verbal sparring match but Toby and Happy were already in the loft before it could escalate.

They faintly heard grumbling downstairs but ignored it as Happy dropped the duffel inside the bathroom and locked the door behind Toby.

“Sex in the garage, I know it’s on that bucket list of yours.” She already unbuttoned her shirt as her boyfriend stood speechless in front of her, a sight that forever made her laugh.

After a crowded flight home and two arduous connections, they looked forward to freshening up before heading to the garage. Walter and his inability to think outside the box when it came to his employees left Happy to create that unwinding routine differently. And if it pissed off Walter, that made it even more fun.

“H- here?” Toby had his jeans undone even as he asked that and the bulge in them made his breath quicken.

“I’m game if you are.” Her clothes were in a pile and she backed into the shower stall. “My vacation high hasn’t gone away yet so make the most of this. I probably won’t ask after today.”

That was all the encouragement Toby needed and he growled, pulling her to him. France unleashed a wilder side to them both and it wasn’t a temporary thing, much their their delight.

“If you’re really frisky, we could have a quickie on the bed.”

Happy’s lip curled and he blanched. “Do you want to get laid or not, Doc? I have my limits and you’re rapidly approaching blue balls.”

“Shower is perfect,” he told her quickly, leaning down to kiss her. Her arms wound behind his neck and she moaned into his mouth as he lifted her up.

With her firmly wrapped around him, he stepped into the shower. “Damn, I love you so much.”

The side of her mouth curved into a grind and she turned the water on with one hand. Toby pulled the glass door closed behind them, feeling the glass against his backside and making him press Happy into the corner. “Tighter than France, babe.”

“We don’t need much space.” Happy was wet already and reached for Toby’s hardness. Winding a hand into his hair, she hopped up and wiggled down on him, sighing as he hit just the right spot inside her.

* * *

“To Quintis!” Toby had his beer raised, a cool breeze sweeping over the roof and making him need to hold his hat to his head.

Happy rolled her eyes and was about to nudge him when Paige hissed his name under her breath. Even then it didn’t deter him, but an elbow to his side had Toby stop with a yelp.

“To Tim,” Paige corrected. A glare at Toby turned into a smile directed at Tim and she raised her glass to him. “It’s good to have you back again and here’s to seeing you again soon.”

“Don’t be a stranger, kid.” Cabe clapped him on the back and Tim nodded.

“LA will be my first stop when I next get leave,” Tim promised. “You know how it is though, Cabe. I’m a soldier and when I get my orders I go where I’m told.”

“If only,” Walter mumbled, and Tim narrowed his eyes a little.

“I only take my orders from the Navy, and you’re not the Navy,” he shot back at Walter, no real antagonism in his tone but it was obvious that he wasn’t backing down from Walter either.

The head genius hadn’t expected that and could only set his jaw as he struggled to come up with a counter response. Knowing that Walter would be too caught up in his pride to notice the rest, Toby took advantage of that and walked over to Sylvester.

“Hey, buddy, can I talk to you for a minute?” Toby pulled Sylvester to the side and the younger genius followed, albeit suspicious while moving back to his own personal space and missing the glance shared between Toby and Happy.

“What do you want, Toby?” Sylvester straightened up and groaned when he saw the smirk his friend tried yet failed to bite back.

“First off, I need to say how brilliant you are.” He inched back into Sly’s personal space, only Toby got stopped by a hand and being told to cut to the chase. “I need your help creating an app for me.”

Sylvester’s eyes narrowed and he instinctively moved a step back. “What kind of app?”

“A photo app,” Toby told him before lowering his voice. “One that can be password protected, for _sensitive_ photos.”

“You want _my_ help?” Sly looked cautious, with that deer in the headlights expression he had slowly started moving away from and did his best to hide his shudder at such a request. Toby nodded eagerly and Sylvester sighed. “Have you forgotten the last time I helped you with a request asked on this roof, Toby? I don’t want to dredge up the past but you should think this through.”

“I haven’t forgotten anything, buddy,” Toby assured his friend, reminding him of his eidetic memory. “But you’re always there for me, for us, and this is something we both want. Happy knows about it if that’s what you’re worried about and is fully on board.”

He smirked, which made Sly regret asking in the first place. “In fact,” Toby’s voice lowered considerably and the smirk deepened, “Happy wished we had this while we were in France. It’s why we don’t have even more photos.”

“Fine!” Sly’s outburst garnered the others looking over but Toby told them they were all good. “I’ll make it but I don’t want to know any details, okay?”

Toby clapped his friend on the back and Sylvester hugged his briefly before stepping back. “You’ve always helped me out, pal. I owe you.”

“Don’t tell me more about your private life and I’ll call us even,” Sly said.

Toby bubbled over with excitement and pulled him friend into a bear hug. “You’re the best, Sly dog!”

Sylvester patted him on the back and Paige saw his eyes pleading for escape so she walked over to them. “What’s the good news?”

“Nothing,” Sly said quickly as he took his chance to go over to where Ralph was.

“Toby?” Paige, now suspicious, asked in her _mom tone_ that she’d use when she knew Ralph was trying to hide something from her. “What was that about?”

“Nothing, Sly already said so,” Toby tried to weasel his way out, but Paige didn’t let him. “Fine. You know how you were whining that Happy and I didn’t take as many photos as we promised? Well, we did take plenty of photos, of the kind that no one else can see.”

Paige blanched, already regretting this, but Toby gleefully continued. “We could have taken even more, more _private_ ones, but you never know when Walter will decide to remotely go through our phones for fun. And Sly is the only one who can counter Walt’s hacking skills, so I asked him to make us an encrypted photo app that no one can break into, for Happy and I to take all the pictures we want.” He winked at the last part.

“Oh, god,” Paige turned away, grabbing the champagne glass that an unsuspecting Cabe was holding and gulping down its contents in one go. Handing the empty glass back to a now very confused Cabe, she shook her head. “Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to. Trust me.”

Grinning to himself, Toby sauntered over to where Happy was teaching Ralph the physics of sabering champagne bottles with a kitchen knife. Waiting till she put the knife down, he stepped closer to wrap his arm around her back. “Safe to say I traumatised Sly and Paige for a long time, but at least he agreed to do it,” he whispered into her ear, making sure Ralph didn’t hear him.

They shared grins, though he didn’t miss the light flush on her cheeks as he leaned in to kiss her temple. Seeing how Ralph was still wearing the SEALs hoodie Tim had gotten him, Toby remembered how they had gotten gifts for the team too and figured this was the best time to give them out.

Sylvester clearly loved his Scorpio constellation keychain, and sniffled when Happy mentioned that they’d specifically gotten that for him as Megan loved the stars, but stepped back when Toby reached out for a  hug, “No thanks, not from you.”

“One more toast!” Ralph grabbed another can of soda in an effort to stall Paige making them go home. Sly perked up and shuffled back to him, urging him on.

Paige smiled down at her son, his tactic worked and she didn't mind as she asked what he wanted to toast to. As he thought, Walter raised his glass.

“Here’s to Happy not being sick of Toby’s face.” Quite pleased at his backhanded compliment, he was confused by the glares Cabe and Paige shot him. Toby and Happy weren’t even back a day and the high EQ  members of Scorpion didn’t need their first night back to end with someone, Walter, getting punched.

“What?” He believed his words and dug into them. “Isn't it strange how they aren’t at each other’s throats after being cooped up-”

“We were on a romantic getaway, O’Brien.” Toby did his best to keep an even keel despite the anger bubbling up inside him. He knew that Walter failed in most social situations but in this moment he resented the way his boss, and friend, failed to see how excited they were together. Instead, Toby took a deep breath and set his glass down. “Fine, let me explain this in terms you’ll understand-”

Only Happy stopped him so she could answer. “I had to haggle for the time off, boss. I wanted more and you freaked. Remember?”

All Walter could do was scowl as he stared into his glass, refusing to acknowledge the facts in front of him. “Whatever,” he mumbled. “You two are back now and I need your full attention so no false claims of jet lag to copulate rather than work.”

Cabe spit his champagne out hearing that, missing Walter by a hair as the rest of the team stood speechless at what was just uttered. Walter, however, told Cabe that was disgusting and nearly hit him but Cabe was too shocked to do anything other than walk to the edge of the roof to recover.

That’s when they heard Ralph laughing and Paige’s face hardened. Setting her hand on her son’s shoulder, she threw her drink in Walter’s face. “Shame on you,” was all she said before dragging Ralph away in case the kid-friendly filters started flying off.

A deep scowl set on Walter’s face at what he perceived as nothing short of mutiny from his team, muttering under his breath about going back down and “actually being productive while the rest of you waste your lives away partying.”

But no sooner than he had gone down did he appear back up on the roof again, grumbling how Tim’s stuff was everywhere and there was no place he could work without having to see all of that.

Scoffing, Toby snarked that he could always take Tim’s old desk. “You know, the one with the door…”

“I have a desk?” Time asked, growing even more confused as the rest exchanged _busted_ glances.

“Yup, a tiny one in the old elevator shaft so Walt could literally shut you inside when he didn’t want to see your face,” Toby blurted out before Walter could try to lie his way out of it, and the head genius looked about ready to kill him.

“Oh,” Tim wasn’t thrilled but also was clearly not surprised at Walter’s petty attempts to undermine him, and awkwardness settled in the air as nobody knew what to say. “So… how about those Dodgers?” His attempt to break the tension was met with a giggle from Paige and complete confusion from Walter. As Paige moved closer to Tim with Sylvester in tow, Toby pulled Happy to the side.

“What is it, Doc?” She missed his poorly hidden yawn while she surveyed Walter and Tim talking with Paige.

“Those three will likely keep this up for the rest of the night, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m too exhausted to hang around and enjoy the entertainment. Let’s call it a night and slip out while we have the chance?”

* * *

“Finally,” Toby slumped back in his seat as Happy put her truck in park, turning his head to her. “You sure you don’t want to go back to your apartment?”

“I grabbed what I needed when we swung by on the way to the garage from the airport, I’m good until tomorrow. Why, you want me to go?” She teased, nudging at him to get out and laughing when he replied with a sleepy but emphatic _never_.

She was out and on his side of the truck before he could even sit up again, and ruffled his hair as he finally got out with a tired groan. “France was amazing, but now I want to sleep for the next year,” he mumbled and she all but pushed him towards his building.

When she jokingly asked if Walter had been right about him being sick of her after nearly two weeks of spending 24/7 together, he replied with an immediate “No, of course not,” though as they crossed the parking lot it was as if his mind was suddenly a million miles away.

Toby noticeably perked up, though, as they waited for the elevator in the lobby, but Happy could tell from his glazed-over eyes that he was deep in thought. He only seemed to get more excited in the elevator up to his apartment, rocking on his heels while he remained uncharacteristically quiet. The way he’d glance at her and smile to himself made her beyond confused and desperate to know what he was thinking about.

“Hey, Hap?” Toby finally spoke, suddenly solemn as they reached his apartment, and Happy felt her stomach twist at his change in demeanor just a few minutes ago. He saw the panic that flooded her, of course he did, and kissed her temple with a smile saying he just wanted to ask her something.

“Yeah…?” She was still uncertain when he led her to the couch and sat an angle to face her, holding her hands in both of his.

“I, uhm,” Toby was clearly nervous but he smiled at her with _that smile_ he reserved only for her, gently tucking her hair behind her ear, and despite their earlier talk where they both agreed to postpone their engagement some, she dared to let that little spark of hope flicker in her again.

“I was just thinking, what Walt said about us being together literally 24/7, and then you brought it up too just now…” For a split second Happy felt unbridled panic course through her as her mind conjured up worst case scenarios, but of course Toby saw that and squeezed her hands lovingly, asking her to please let him finish.

“I… being with you in Brittany and Paris was so incredible and I love that we spent practically every night together even before that and I just love being with you all the time in general that there’s no way I can ever get sick of you and and-”

He seemed to realize that he was rambling and cut himself off, taking a deep breath before speaking again. “Do you, uhm, what do you think about us moving in together?”

Happy blinked, she needed a beat to process what he had just asked. It wasn’t _the question_ , of course, but for where they were right now it was the right one. Looking up at him, she saw how his eyes shone with hope for her answer, and she felt her smile grow so wide as she nodded. “Yeah.” 

“Really?” He looked like a child on Christmas morning, and she couldn’t help giggling as she wrapped her arms around his neck and felt him hold her so tight.

Kissing his cheek, she pulled back just enough to look at him. “Yes.” Though far from the _yes_ she yearned to give him, she knew that this was such a big step forward into that future with him.

“That sounds amazing.” Cupping his face in both her hands, she leaned up to kiss him, resting her forehead against his. “I would love to move in with you, Toby.”

At that he jumped up with her in his arms, spinning her around and hugging her so tight when he finally stopped. “I love you so much, Hap,” he enthused.

“I love you too, Doc,” she leaned up to wrap her arms around her neck, kissing his cheek. His reply was cut off by a yawn though, and she chuckled as she let go and pulled him toward the bedroom.

He yawned once more walking back and after shedding their clothes, both fell into bed. Happy smiled as he wrapped his arm around and she snuggled into him.

Toby looked so at ease when sleeping and she loved watching him. His head faced her and his lips were curved in a grin, so she couldn’t resist brushing back his curls.

The noise he made had her breathe a laugh and he kissed her hand. “I know you’re watching me,” he mumbled, voice thick with exhaustion and his trademark sass.

“So?” she countered. “You watch me sleep all the time. You brag about it even.”

“Because I’m finally able to.” He whined when he felt her nudge his knee with hers. “Whatever, it’s what people do who are in love.”

“And moving in together,” Happy added, sliding an arm over Toby’s side and curling into him more.

“We most definitely are, babe, and I-”

Looking up she saw he was out cold. She rolled her eyes as she was wont to do but she was happy, genuinely happy and fell asleep excited to discuss the details of said moving in when they were both fully rested.

* * *

Their first full day at work after returning from France was thankfully deadly case-free, though Walter was still pissy that they had been gone for nearly two weeks and insisted they get back to work immediately.

Walking over to her front workbench to grab some tools she needed for the new project she was working on in the back, Happy blinked when she saw an intricately folded origami heart sitting neatly in the middle of her desk.

_“What is this?” Happy asked, half bemused half cautious, as she walked over to Toby’s desk._

_“What is what?” He replied with his signature look of faux innocence, and she set down the origami heart he had folded for her on his desk. “Oh, that. Looks like an origami heart to me.”_

_She shook her head in exasperation as she asked what it was doing on her workbench, and Toby shrugged. “I figured, now that the team knows about us, why not? You love the ones I make for you at home.”_

_Happy smiled at that, but repeated her insistence of keeping things professional at work, to which Toby replied that it was just a piece of origami._

_“Walt and Paige’s lovesick puppy eyes across the garage are_ far _more unprofessional. And besides,” he looked around to make sure none of the rest were in earshot before pulling her down to whisper in her ear. “You love what I can do with my hands.”_

_Happy had never been more glad that she’d worn her hair down than that day, hoping it covered enough of her blush that nobody else would notice. But Toby did, and he felt his heart warm at how he was finally able to have that effect on the love of his life._

_Squeezing her hand, he asked if she really had an issue with him leaving trinkets and notes on her desk. And when her only reply was to keep them inconspicuous, there wasn’t a day that went by without a little declaration of love from Toby greeting her when she returned to her desk._

_Until two and a half months later._

_She had thought that first week after her bombshell when Toby refused to come back to the garage was the hardest. But she wasn’t prepared for how much it hurt to see him seated across the garage from her, while her desk remained devoid of any new love notes from him._

_She had never told him how much it meant to her that he would faithfully make one for her everyday, and now she was left wondering if he ever would again. Even as their relationship slowly improved and they fought their way back to how they were before, he hadn’t gone back to his habit of making the littlest things for her, and she had sadly accepted that as their new normal._

Happy felt herself tearing up as she turned back to see Toby watching her expectantly from his desk. His expression turned to one of concern when he saw the tears in her eyes, but when she mouthed a “thank you” it changed back to _that smile_ he reserved just for her before walking up to her.

Coming up to stand beside her, he slipped an arm around her waist before whispering “I love you” with a sweet kiss to her cheek. She turned to wrap her arms around him, not caring anymore about who else was watching, and he held her tight until Walter’s displeased cough forced them back to their work.

-

A whole day of being stuck in the garage after all the fun they had in Brittany and Paris was damn near torturous, and returning to her desk later that afternoon with an annoyed huff, Happy’s mood quickly lifted as saw a stack of old papers sitting in the corner. Grabbing one, she quickly folded it into a paper airplane that had been their Santa Anas tradition for years now. Scribbling a quick note onto it of _I can’t wait until we’re home, cowboy,_ she mentally calculated the perfect arc to Toby's desk before throwing it.

Only she didn't account for Sylvester suddenly getting up from his desk to head to the kitchen. His ear-piercing scream at the plane hitting him square on the nose startled the entire garage and even had Cabe instinctively reaching for his gun.

Looking up at Sly's scream, Toby quickly added up the Happy's horrified expression and the paper airplane now laying on the ground, and burst out laughing. That only alarmed Paige more as she walked over to Sylvester, and Happy quickly ran over to the scene of the crime to snatch up the evidence before anyone read it.

Getting up himself, Toby was practically howling as he hugged - more like collapsed onto - Happy, and she had to squeeze his shoulder and whisper for him to behave as Sly was _not_ okay.

“Huh?” He asked, but sobered up quickly when he saw how shaken Sylvester was. “Oh boy. You okay, buddy?”

“She…” Sylvester could only point accusingly at Happy as he tried to calm down enough to formulate the words. “She tried to _kill_ me.”

Happy raised her hands up in surrender, though her retort in defense was cut off by Tim running into the garage. “I’d just pulled into the lot when I heard the scream, is everyone okay?”

“She tried to kill me,” Sylvester pointed at Happy again, his voice more stable this time but clearly still shaken. Though when Toby and Paige tried to gently guide him to sit back down at his desk, he slapped the former off. “Stop pretending you’re on my side. And barely an hour after I finished coding that godforsaken app for you two.”

“What app? I don’t recall-” Walter started, not too tickled that Sylvester had been spending office hours on a private project for Toby and Happy he wasn’t even informed about, but Toby ‘accidentally’ pressed Sly’s Super Fun Guy talking statuette whose programmed lines effectively drowned out the head genius’s complaints.

“He got in the way of the trajectory I had planned,” Happy finally managed to get in her side of the story, shooting Toby a grateful look that Walter didn’t have to find out about their photo app. Going up to Sylvester, she was genuinely apologetic. “Didn’t mean to hit you, Sly, I’m sorry.”

Sylvester nodded absentmindedly, Toby’s quick thinking with Super Fun Guy having the secondary bonus of changing Sylvester’s focus to decontaminating his precious toy, and Tim interjected. “Trajectory of what?”

“The paper airplane she wanted to send over to me,” this time it was Toby who answered, a smirk on his face as he gently pried the now crumpled paper from Happy’s hands and gave a low whistle at reading what she had written. “You guys probably don’t want to see this though, just saying.”

That only had Sylvester whine more, and Walter rolled his eyes as he headed back to his desk muttering how his theory of interoffice relationships having a negative impact on productivity was proven. Toby had so much to retort at that, but let Walter and his bitterness go in favor of making sure Sylvester was calming down.

“It could’ve taken out my eye,” it was practically a whimper, though he knew what Toby was going to respond with. “And no, my glasses do not help when I’m being attacked from a side angle.”

Sighing, Happy grabbed a piece of rough paper from Toby’s desk and folded a new airplane for Sylvester. “Here you go, peace offering. No sudden movements when I want to send another one over to Toby in the future and you’ll be fine.”

“Who hands out their _murder weapon_ as a peace offering?” Sly spluttered, and Paige knew they all had to disperse and give him space before he started freaking out again.

Shooed away from Sylvester’s desk, Tim joined Toby and Happy at hers and commented how the paper airplane she had made for Sly was probably the best he’s ever seen.

“When is anything she makes _not_ the best you’ve ever seen?” Toby smiled proudly at his girlfriend. “And they fly perfectly too, unless Sylvester gets in the way. Or a truck,” he winked at Happy though Tim didn’t get that reference. “Good luck learning her secrets though, I’ve been making her teach me for years and still haven’t gotten the hang of it.”

Happy patted his hand as she said he’s been getting better, and Tim grinned as he asked if she could show him the aerodynamics of her models. “The details are classified, but what I can tell you is that I just finished an advanced parachuting course so I’m not a _complete_ rookie.”

Her eyes lit up at that, and she started firing questions at him about everything from the height and wind specs of the jump to the drag coefficient and materials of the parachute. Toby excused himself from the conversation he was very quickly getting lost in, pausing by Walter’s desk on the way back to his own.

“Tim being back isn’t the disaster you thought it would be, huh, 197?”

“He’s talking pretty intensely with your girlfriend,” Walter stubbornly stuck to his initial opinion of Tim, refusing to accept that he really was a sweet guy.

Toby narrowed his eyes and warned Walter not to insult Happy’s character. “Or Tim’s, for that matter. You literally _gave him permission_ to date Paige- not that he needed it by the way, you’re her boss not her father- and then got pissy that he started dating Paige. What’s the logic in that, super genius?”

Now it was Walter’s turn to narrow his eyes, and he scowled at Toby as he told him to shut up and go back to work. “You’ve missed two weeks too much as it is.”

“And _you_ refuse to see the truth and logic that Tim isn’t a threat to you, but whatever.” Toby singsonged the last part, hurriedly jogging over to the safety of his desk nonetheless. A Walter who’s had his flaws exposed and logic proved wrong was not a safe Walter to be around.

* * *

The work day had seemed to drag on forever after that little incident. And as much as Toby and Happy appreciated not having yet another potential nuclear apocalypse as their welcome home gift, they had bolted out the garage the second the clock struck five and a very begrudging Walter was legally obligated to let them leave for the day.

Watching her as they washed the dishes together after dinner that night, Toby smiled as he noticed how Happy had brightened up considerably, more than just their post-vacation glow, after he had made for her his first origami in far too long. She had texted him to meet her in the back shortly after, pressing him against _their_ chain link fence and kissing him so hard as a thank you that it took an exorbitant amount of self-control from the both of them to return to work instead of slipping out into her truck for a quickie.

Not even the incident with Sylvester and the paper airplane had dimmed that spark, though honestly for everyone but Sly it was hilarious and only added to the generally cheerful mood of the day. It was only how hungry they both were when they finally reached his apartment that stopped them from taking things straight to the bedroom, though they did take advantage of the time while dinner was cooking to relieve some of that pent up frustration. But as much as he longed to have her again, he knew they had an important talk waiting that he didn’t want to postpone any further, even for sex.

“So,” Toby pulled Happy onto his lap on the couch after they were done in the kitchen, laughing as she landed against him with a surprised _oomph_. “Where do you want to live, lovebug?”

Her face split into a wide smile, still unable to believe that she and Toby were about to take this huge step forward to their forever. But she knew he was looking for a real answer under all of his excitement, and played with his hands as she said his place seemed to be the better option. “It’s bigger and closer to the garage and- what?”

“Oh, okay,” his mood dropped considerably though he still kept a smile on his face, and she frowned as she nudged him to say what was on his mind. “I just… I was thinking maybe we could move to a new place. New chapter of our lives and all that, you know. But if you want to move into mine, that works too.”

Happy’s eye widened in realization of what he wanted, and she said she would love to move into a new place with him. “A new start away from all of this sounds like just what we need.”

Excitement lit up in his eyes again, but he was cautious as he told her it really didn’t matter. “All I want is to live with you, Hap. I don’t care where.”

“No,” she shook her head. “I don’t know why I didn’t even think about a third option, but moving into a new place is perfect, Doc. I… I’ve always wanted to live in a nice house.” A blush grew on her cheeks as she admitted that and she rested her head against his collarbone, feeling his teeth at him smiling so wide as he kissed her forehead.

“Then that’s exactly where we shall move into,” he promised. “Though we do live in L.A. so ‘nice’ has a very broad definition, most of which we probably can’t afford.”

She laughed at that and kissed his cheek. “I wouldn’t want a celebrity mansion even if we could afford it, Doc. I just want something that’s cozy and _us_.”

“It’s a good thing you’re not looking for a celebrity mansion. I mean I’ve stopped gambling but still, it’s not like you’re dating Jake Gyllenhaal,” he teased, and Happy scrunched her face in disgust.

“Why would I even want to? Everyone knows celebrities have much more messed up lives and relationships than all of us combined.”

“True,” Toby mused, chuckling before turning more serious again. “But even normal houses aren’t too cheap around here, we would probably have to save up for a while before we can afford a place.”

Happy hummed in agreement, half in thought, before she remembered something and shifted a little in his arms. “Actually… remember that second bank account I have that I told you about in Brittany?” Toby nodded and she gave him a sheepish smile. “I might have understated how much I have in there…” She trailed off and he raised his eyebrows at that but waited for her to continue.

“I told you how I started it after settling down in Phoenix, right? Well, the good thing about the aeronautics industry is that it generally pays pretty well, and since I was rooming with Ethan I didn’t have too many expenses either. I tried to deposit about a grand there every month, even after coming back to LA and joining Scorpion I scraped together whatever I got from side jobs and fabrication competitions and stuff in case I needed it later. Then once we got the gig with Homeland I could put even more into that each month, so now about ten years later it’s added up to quite a bit.”

“Wait, that’s like…” Toby’s eyes widened as he quickly did the math in his head. “Woah.”

“Yeah,” she blushed a little. “So that plus a little more should be enough for a downpayment on a decent enough house, right?”

Toby was clearly still taking in how much Happy just revealed she had in her second account, but when she offered to use it all to buy their new house he shook his head. “Darling, no. You have a back-up plan for a reason, you can’t just use all of it for-”

“But I don’t _need_ a bug-out plan anymore, Doc.” She cut him off. “Yeah I kept it up even after we got together because it was a hard habit to break, but I don’t need one with you. ‘Cause I’m never leaving” She rested her head against him again, hugging him tight.

Glancing up, she saw _that grin_ that would spread across his face whenever she pleasantly surprised him. He seemed at a loss for words, and she smiled at how the roles had reversed before kissing him out of his reverie.

“Really?” He breathed, and when she nodded with her eyes sparkling, he jumped up with her still in his arms to spin her around. Giggling when he set her down only to pepper her face with kisses, she reached up to wrap her arms around his neck.

“The only plan I have for the rest of my life now is to be with you. And whatever I can do to build our future together, I want to do it.”

“God, Hap, I love you so much.” He hugged her in that way she loved, one hand cupping the back of her neck and his face buried in her hair.

But after a few moments he pulled back, solemn again as he sat down and took her hands in his. “But I… I can’t do that for you.” When he looked back up, shame was clear in his eyes. “I stopped gambling almost an year ago, but there were still some debts I only barely finished paying back and- and you know how I was, Hap, I don’t really have any savings,” he looked down and frowned. “At all.”

Happy blinked as she realized how guilty he was feeling about his past, but needed him to know that it didn’t matter anymore. She trusted him that he had stopped gambling for good, and needed him to know that who he used to be didn’t have any impact on their future together.

“Toby, hey,” her tone softened as she kneeled down in front of him and rested her cheek on his knee. “It’s _okay_. We have the rest of our lives to build it up again, together. We got this, Doc.”

Toby looked at her to see nothing but love and support in her eyes, and gently pulled her up to sit sideways on his lap. “God knows I don’t deserve you, Hap,” he sighed, but she shook her head.

“You have always given me such unconditional love and faith, that’s more important than all the money in the world. Neither of us are perfect, Doc, but I believe we are perfect for each other and that’s all that matters to me.”

Toby’s eyes widened at her words, and he murmured softly how poetic she’s become recently. Blushing, she said she learned from the best, and his lips curved up in a small smile as he kissed her gently, thanking her.  

Happy could tell Toby was still feeling guilty and blaming himself about his past, and shifted in his lap to straddle him. “So…” she started teasingly, tangling her fingers in his short curls. “How do you want to do this, Doc?”

“Hmm?”

“Even under the best conditions it’ll take at least several weeks to find a house and get all the paperwork in order, let alone actually packing up and moving in. And I really don’t want to to wait months to move in with you, even if we do spend every night together.”

His eyes brightened at that, and his hands held her sides as he caught on to what she was thinking. “What’s your plan then, Hap?”

Pretending to think about for a while, Happy tilted her head as she suggested her moving in to his place while they looked for a new house together. “And what we save from not having to keep up a second apartment we can channel towards our new place, which is another plus.”

“That would be more economically efficient,” Toby thought out loud, forcing himself to stick to the facts and figures as knew he’d be dancing around the room with her in his arms if he didn’t.

Happy scrunched her face at that. “If I wanted to go on about efficiency, I’d be with Walter,” she retorted, adding “Still can’t believe you thought I’d ever marry _him_ ” when Toby made a face and said “Ew" before they both burst out laughing.

“But seriously, Doc,” she pressed her hips down against his to get him to focus again, ignoring how he whined at she was turning him on too much for them to continue the conversation much longer. “You mind if I move in with you till we figure out our new place?”

His hands moved to cup her face, and he kissed her deep before replying. “What do you think?”

“I think you don’t want me to leave tonight.” Her lips attached to the side of his neck while he moaned his agreement to her. It was effortless the way they slid into this side of their relationship and if she really thought about it, she had a greater want for him than ever before.

How his hands held her hips was urgent and desperate. He held her like his life depended on it and wasn’t about to let go. Needing more, he shifted his grip on her hips. “Don’t stop, Hap.”

“I’m not,” she whispered, nipping the shell of his earlobe. “We may not be on vacation anymore but that doesn’t mean I don’t want you as much as I did in France.”

Groaning, he stood up with her and started walking to the bedroom. “You’re everything to me, Hap,” he told her as he set her on the bed. “So much more than purely physical.”

“I know.” That reassurance melded with a wet kiss on his temple and more words to melt his heart. “No matter what, Doc, I wouldn’t be anywhere you weren’t.”

That stunned grin grew on his face again at how poetic she was becoming and Happy laughed, loving how she could still surprise him in those little ways.

“Ditto, Hap, I’m never leaving your side,” he murmured, pressing a sweet kiss to her cheek before sitting up to remove his shirt and jeans.

She smiled at that, but wanted the mood to switch back to playful again and brought his hands to the hem of her shirt. “I’m feeling a little overdressed here, Doc. You want to fix that?”

Moments later with both only in their underwear, she slid under him and tugged him down for a kiss by his hair. “You got a tie you can get now?”

His mind went back to their last night in Brittany. Opting to stay in the room for dinner, he wore only a tie to _dress up_ while she wore a sheer slip and nothing else. Their foreplay escalated and after she removed his tie, the idea to tie him to the bed frame materialized and her riding him with abandon led to some of their most intense orgasms that trip.

“You want to tie me up again, kitten? Because I’m game.” The excitement radiated off him as he hopped over to his dresser to fish out the first tie he could find.

Back in bed with her, she shook her head and covered his hand with hers. “I want you to tie _me_ up this time…”

**-**

A few hours later they finally settled down to sleep, cuddled together and the only sounds being that of them breathing. But Happy had something weighing on her mind that she knew she had to address, and shifted slightly to look at Toby better.

“What was Sly talking about?” Her words broke the silence between them and her fingers grazed over his side. “The night after we got back, when you were talking to him and he asked if you had forgotten about the last time he helped you with something you asked on the roof?”

“Hmm?” He looked at her and struggled to focus his eyes.

“He warned you against asking him for help after what happened the first time… what was that about?” She curled her body tighter around him, nearly falling asleep herself but curious to know what Toby’s previous request had been about. Even she could tell from Sylvester’s expression and tone that night that it hadn’t been about just another prank the guys would play, but for the life of her couldn’t figure out what request Toby might have had that was so serious.

As her words filtered through his sleep-riddled mind, Toby pressed his lips together at how he could possibly tell Happy the truth without dredging up all that they had finally gotten behind them. “Uhm…”

“If it was just another of your plotting to mess with Walter don’t tell me, I’d like to keep my plausible deniability,” she smirked, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes as Toby’s hesitation told her this likely wasn’t going to be a fun talk.

Sighing, Toby knew it was better to just get it out so that they could move past it sooner. “I… remember the night we had the Fort Knox case?”

“Is it something to do with Ralph’s trial against his professor?” Happy furrowed her eyebrows, worried if they had used some underhand trick to win the case, but Toby shook his head.

“Nothing related to the trial itself, but remember the party we had that night as well?”

“Yeah…?” Happy wasn’t sure where this was leading, the most significant thing she remembered about the party was the awkwardness of Linda breaking up with Walter just as Tim was asking Paige out.

“You know when I accidentally spilt beer over your hand, it… it wasn’t exactly an accident.”

“Huh?” Now she was _really_ confused, what reason could he have possibly had to spill beer on her on purpose?

“I, uh… Sly said if I could get a liquid stain from around your finger then he could, uhm, he could extrapolate your ring size from it.”

He watched as it clicked for her, and his heart broke seeing how her face crumpled as she realized all the effort and planning he had put into the proposal had been for naught due to her selfish refusal to come clean about her secret. Biting back a sigh, he shifted up and kept his arms around her as he sat up. Happy scooted onto his lap and wrapped her arm over his shoulders. When he thought she was going to say something, she didn’t and chose to bury her face against the crook of his neck.

Toby knew he needed to choose his next words carefully; after how much time they spent repairing their bond, he couldn’t let this pick an insecurity in her after she’d finally let all of her armor fall.

“It’s okay, you know.” It came out as a whisper on his skin and he brushed the hair off her neck, waiting for her to continue. “Before, I was disappointed we weren’t engaged. Maybe I still am a little bit, but it’s not as big a deal now.”

“Why’s that, love?”

“Because that piece of paper won’t make us better or worse. I had that, remember?” She looked up and he smiled.

“Of course, and you mean more to me than the world. You are my world, Happy.”

Her eyes widened and she moved so she could straddle him. He grinned as she settled into his lap and closed his eyes at her fingers running through his curls. She kissed his cheek and stayed there, memorizing every sense that buzzed over being this close and open with the man she loved.

“You’re my world, too, Toby.”

* * *

* * *

_“Because I was right. For the two of us, home isn’t a place. It’s a person. And we’re finally home.”_

_\- Stephanie Perkins_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews/comments are always appreciated if you have the time =D


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